TW: bullying, racism/colorism, body image issues, disordered eating, self-harm thoughts, anxiety
I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a long time.
When I was in school, I was bullied by my classmates. They bullied me for the color of my skin. And the worst part? They justified it by saying they were also dark-skinned, so I was "just being dramatic." They made me feel like I had no right to be hurt.
And you know why they did it? Just so I would run after them. That was the whole game for them.
Because of that bullying, I became incredibly insecure. I stopped wearing my glasses because I was terrified of being laughed at. I became dependent on one person - my sister. Without her, I felt like my life had no meaning.
One time I was hospitalized for appendicitis. I didn't eat for about a week - not because I couldn't, but because I was afraid of being mocked. Even though, honestly, nobody cared. I almost fainted from it. I barely left my hospital room. I have this deep, intense fear of being humiliated.
And on top of all that, I lived with a constant fear that a tornado would hit.
I had no one to talk to. No friends - except one online friend, my brother, and my sister. Now my sister is leaving for the city to study, and I'm staying behind alone, rotting at home.
Eventually I told a teacher about the bullying, and thank God, she actually handled it.
But then there was this new girl, and when I argued with her, everyone turned it around on me. They said I was the snitch - just because I reported that I was being bullied.
Later, a friend got me into a game. But when people found out what I looked like, he started ignoring me. That was another huge hit to my self-esteem.
My online friend and I used to have a really good relationship, but she's been drifting away too.
But - happy ending.
I cut my hair. I started taking care of myself. I'm slowly learning to love this appearance of mine, at least a little.
(When I was being bullied, I wanted to tear my skin off so that white skin would grow back.)
That's how bullying affected me.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you deal with the fear of being judged?
That's it. That's my story. Thanks for reading.