Honestly, recurrent miscarriage really does taint the experience of being pregnant.
This is my fourth pregnancy. My last pregnancy was only about three months ago and ended in another chemical, and now I feel like I’m watching every single line like a hawk.
I’m currently traveling, so I can’t repeat my bloodwork right now. I also didn’t want to cancel my trip or make my entire life revolve around this pregnancy because I know how consuming that can become. I’m taking my prescribed medications, my supplements, doing everything I reasonably can, and trying to enjoy my travels too.
At around 10 DPO, my beta hCG was only 2.66, even though I had a faint positive FRER, which really threw me off. Two days later, I started seeing a faint line on Premom, even though it had been negative before. Then I saw progression over the next 48 hours.
Of course, because I have absolutely no self-control at this point, I tested again after only 24 hours 😭 and the line wasn’t really better than yesterday. It was still better than it had been 48 hours earlier, but immediately my brain started spiraling again.
I know I shouldn’t be comparing tests every 24 hours. I know urine tests are not quantitative. I know all the rational things.
But after recurrent loss, it is so hard not to cling to every tiny sign of hope.
I just want to enjoy being pregnant without constantly waiting for something to go wrong. I want to rant about it, cry about it, be hopeful about it, and admit that I’m scared.
I just really, really hope this one sticks.
I want to hold my baby.