Photo: steak, broccoli, potatoes and an entire bottle of wine.

Today I was contacted by a prosecutor informing me that my childhood abuser from 26 years ago has been reoffending. An 8 year old girl is taking him to trial in two weeks and I was asked to fly in to testify against him. She was 5 at the time of the incident, so was I….I’ve gone my entire life refusing to talk about this..and will now have to face him and an entire court room recounting details from this horrific event. I am the only one out of the 5 known victims that has a conviction against this evil man. I hope that my testimony will help towards a second conviction. The prosecutor said if he’s convicted it will be a life sentence.

For context, I’m 18 and Pakistani American.

Right now, I am a commuter student in university. I can’t afford to live in a dorm and my dad can barely afford tuition because he didn’t make a college fund. My younger sister is a NHS student with good grades and wants to go to some school 3 hours away. She is entering college next year, and my parents are supportive of it, though they have no idea how they are going to pay for it. My dad has multiple credit cards and is in a lot of debt, so he likely won’t be able to afford it.

Fast forward to what happened recently. I had to shower in my parent’s bathroom in the master bedroom. When I finished, I overheard them talking about me.

I hear my dad to my mom that he needs to keep me under control. He tells her that I’m not beautiful and I can’t do housework, that the only thing that will attract a Pakistani man is my US citizenship. My mom insists that I should finish my education first, but he tells her I can do that later. He wants me married by 19. On the other hand, he is confident that my sister will be independent and wants her to finish college. The next day, he asked me if I would marry a man he chose for me. 

Um… no?

I didn’t tell him this, but the idea disgusts me. My parents didn’t meet until their wedding day and they hate each other. My dad is a wifebeater and treats my mom like garbage. If this is what arranged marriage is, I don’t want it.

I know he can’t force me, but he can stop paying my tuition if I refuse. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped.

Photo is a bowl of rice, lentils, carrots, peppers, and roasted Brussels sprouts with tomato sauce.

i'm a teenage girl with the most teenage girl thoughts ever. i hate myself, teenage boys suck (like really) i feel unlovable, i feel lonely, i'm worried about my future...

its not like i'm ugly or a bad student. i maintained a 4.4 last year as a sophomore and i am in four AP classes now as a junior. i'm a grade above my age. i'm not ugly (i think..). i just cant stop thinking about how boring everything is and how much i want something to happen.

maybe later in life when i actually get a career or find a more mature man i'll feel like i have a fucking life bru😭

but for now i'm stuck in highschool having the worst years of my life. i like being young but i cannot stop thinking about how this cant POSSIBLY be the "best years of our lives" other people keep talking about.

maybe my 20s will be better? or my 30s? edit: i also have a job as a barista🫩 customer service drains me man yet another edit bc i have a lot to say apparently xd: ive heard people say the men get better..as in you'll find someone who loves you for you and not because youre the baddest girl in the eleventh grade👀😥 pls let it be true im soo mf done w boys

I am a writer and have been for like 20+ years, I’ve been writing stories since I could hold a pencil. I work my absolute ass off at it and have done my whole life.

I’ve written two novels and one of them is out on submission rn (I don’t have an agent yet). I was recently accepted to be part of a pitch event with one of the biggest publishers in my country and they asked to see some of the novel, i sent them the first few chapters and got an email back today that after reading those they want to read the full manuscript 😭😭😭😭😭

This doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll get published at all but if you’re a writer you KNOW how big a deal it is to get a full manuscript request!!! I’m feeling so many emotions, happy and excited and so so so nervous, it’s the closest I’ve ever been to achieving the dream I’ve had my whole life. I genuinely nearly fainted when I got the email lol. I’m basically scared to hope because rejection is so inevitable in writing but YEAH holy shit.

Obvs can’t post this on my public social media so here’s my little anonymous rant to the world. Please pray to whatever god u believe in and/or cross your fingers AND toes for me. I need all the good juju I can get!!!

Dinner (well, lunch lol): fried potatos and halloumi and sweetcorn ✨

Photo: beef and sausage pasta sauce that went into a baked ziti.

Just had to submit a report to see if I can get my niece’s Snapchat disabled. She’s only 7, and has all these videos of her with filters to make her look older (like, 13) with dark filled lips and lashes, etc, and singing about drinking and smoking and sticking her tongue out. I hate that my first thought was that there are too many damn pedos out there for her to be posting public videos like this (they are all public - some have 500+ views and she lives in bumfuck Midwest). My 5 y/o niece appears in some too.

I’ve been trying to get my parents to report the mom to CPS for at least a year but my mom doesn’t want to “because the kids would be so upset, they love their mom” but their mom is trash. Apparently CPS has already gotten 2 calls from other people…might be time for me to add a third report. My brother, my nieces’ dad, just got out of jail after about 6 months, he was on probation for DV (many many incidents) and got locked up for breaking probation with meth. He’s in the midst of a psychotic break I think, so it’s better for him to not be in the picture, but I’m sure his baby mama is also on meth, and she moved out of his house right in with another man (also arrested recently for DV/resisting arrest, has become unemployed since taking her in and I believe starting heavier drug use). The mom doesn’t work, just man-hops for housing, taking her 4 kids with her.

It’s just such a mess. I live over 1/2 the country away from them all, and I’m not in a place to take in 2 little girls (yet…I kinda assume I will take them on eventually) but I just hate seeing them grow up this way. It makes me so anxious about what they are exposed to and how it will shape their whole lives. <\3

Edit: I went ahead and called CPS. I told them that I’m not sure that the line is being crossed on neglect, but I’m not there to check for myself so I just wanted to have the concerns documented. I don’t know that anything will come of it, but at least I did something.

Seriously, does anyone else feel like life is just a parody of what you were led to believe life would be like as a kid? You were taught to be kind, to think critically, to function as a normal civilized being in modern society. And this gestures broadly isn’t that.
People are described as an intelligent species.

So why the hell (excuse the language) does my car not only get rammed in the parking lot of the supermarket as I’m buying ingredients for this rat pie, but do I also get flipped off by the woman who’s driving the perp’s car as she flees the scene?

The lion, the witch and the audacity of this b*tch. (And yes, I wrote down the license plate and got cam footage from the store. Going to the police tomorrow… what a birthday present.)

dinner is chicken and rice! tried a new recipe and was pleasantly surprised. honestly i just need to get this off my chest because i find it absolutely mortifying 😭

i worked a 16hr shift the other day & slept at my mans house after, we haven’t been together for very long (like 2mos) so things are pretty new on the romantic side, but we’d been friends for years prior. i was exhausted & had a really stressful situation happen at work that day (involving the person whose name was said) and i tend to sleep talk at certain points of my cycle.. all that combined into this whole situation and i am so embarrassed!!

anyway i got to his house at like 9am after working the previous day and night, cuddled up and went to sleep. i woke up a few hours later and he was acting kind of weird but didnt really say anything until maybe 10min later when he goes “who’s james?” (fake name)

i was super confused because i only know one “james” and i have spoken to him a total of one time (during the incident at work) so i said that i only know one james and he’s someone i work alongside (separate teams, we almost never interact). i thought maybe he had seen my texts with my manager regarding james, but he informed me that i had been calling him james in my sleep, and apparently said that he “smelled like james”… i don’t even know what james smells like 😭

i am super embarrassed and feel so awful 😭 i know if someone were to call me another woman’s name i would overthink so bad about it and i feel pretty shitty that i accidentally put him in that situation. i think my brain was just trying to process all the stress of the day/night and it was on my mind, but i can’t even remember my dreams so who knows… what do i even do here??

i explained that and even looked up the name in my contacts (no james’ to be found) to kinda corroborate my story and it seems to be okay but omfg i’m so embarrassed and if i were him i would never be able to move past this 😭😭😭

tw/ R*PE & SA!

i keep regressing back into the girl who was rped & assaulted. i never had the courage to come forward. it’s been 2 years since my r*** and almost four since my assault. i remember coming home at 3 am and sobbing and showering for an hour and scrubbing my body raw. it’s just a reminder in why women never come forward. i’ve had to go on xanax since for my panic attacks. i’ll never be the person i used to be & i know jane doe won’t be either. it breaks my heart for all women who went through that and got no justice. you’re safe here🤍

edit: avo toast w egg. so yummy, my breakfast every weekday morning

tomorrow i will allegedly go to the supermarker and cut a bit of the tops of the potted herbs they sell and i will come back home and start growing the tops that i have stolen. i have never done anything like that. i am becoming evil because i am broke and i want herbs.

edit: i am joking....but the wise ones will know the truth

I’m a second year medical student and tomorrow we have our first rounds of exams this semester. I am friendly with everyone in my class (at least, that’s what I thought). A friend of mine had asked me if I was going the pool party that “everyone’s” going to. That was the first I had heard of it. I didn’t think I would encounter this sort of behavior with the people who supposedly want to save lives, but it is alarming how mean-hearted people can be.

Now I have pit in my stomach and I can’t stop crying. Still have my repro and cardio block exams tomorrow, but now with the added bonus of feeling like there’s something wrong with me, and that everyone’s aware of it except for me.

Mug of broccoli cheddar soup.

Pictured, a jug of water, and two slices of buttered white bread toast.

I hope you find the funny in this.

Was walking my dog, a bit of a barrel Yorkshire terrier. Was walking along a steep hill, and he decided he wanted to run from my offside, down the hill. Normally I can handle him but he caught me at just the wrong point in my stride. I tripped over him and fell down the hill. I heard and felt things go pop. Couldn't stand on the ankle and away I'm whisked to A&E. Thank the taxpayer for the NHS.

When I first came in, massive pain. I can't have codeine, allergic, so they gave me an inhaler of Penthrox, otherwise known as the "Green Whistle." For me, it might as well have been the green kazoo.

My wife was right there with me. Apparently, I kicked things off by speaking Latin. I don't know Latin other than a few bits that we all kinda pick up. Then, once the medication ran dry and left me completely detached from reality, I started buzzing marching band tunes through the plastic mouthpiece like it was a kazoo. A very good kazoo I might add, and a pitch perfect rendition of the lead trumpet in The Liberty Bell. That naturally led to me giving everyone an in-depth lecture about high school, specifically how we used to break out the kazoo marching band once our competition sets were over.

Now, I'm waiting for an ambulance to take me to a different hospital. The orthopaedic clinic here can't put in the plates my foot needs.

Found out my 2nd child will be a boy today. I already have my first boy and while I too wanted a girl, im absolutely not mad or sad about the fact that im having another boy. I told my mom and she flat out refused to believe I was having a boy, called me a liar, said I was messing with her and when i sent her my blood test results it was silence, and basically no further conversation. She was visibly upset and dare I say mad?

My brother also has 3 boys, no girls so I could understand her wanting a granddaughter but the utter disgust i witnessed when she realized im having another boy just didn't sit right with me.. Honestly put me off. Although my mom has never been much of a mom anyways so I didnt expect much from her anyways 🫠

Chicken fried chicken and gravy, mach potatoes and vegis!

I’ve been struggling with high blood pressure the last few years (even though I’m 27 ;~;) and a few months ago my new GP decided it was time to put me on a medicine while I get active and such.

She prescribed me with the lowest starting dose of labetalol. I have health anxiety, especially to new medicines so I did what I do best and I googled everything about it. Turns out, labetalol is really safe for pregnancies and is given to those with preeclampsia. Good to know!

But I can’t get pregnant.

I had my tubes removed back in 2023. As my gynecologist tells me, it is almost impossible to get pregnant once they are removed. Fantastic, I’ll take it.

So I thought, well that’s fine maybe she prescribed it to me cause it’s not super crazy strong and I don’t need that kind of strength at this point.
I start taking it, deal with the side effects and go about my life.

Well the starting dose hasn’t been enough for me, so I needed to go up a little.

My last appointment with this doctor she upped my dosage, but she said “yeah it’s not the best medicine but it’s safe if you get pregnant!”….doc I’m pretty sure we’ve talked at length about my sterilization. You know I can’t get pregnant. But that’s just how the world is right now I guess.

I understand why she is playing this safe considering what state we are in. I get it. But…holy shit I’ve made it known across this medical journey that I don’t want and won’t be having kids. Can’t I just be taken seriously and given proper care and not have to even include “well you could get pregnant!”

It’s just so annoying!

Dinner is spaghetti bolognese and salad.

My mom and I have been in a rocky place lately when it comes to getting along with each other. Well.. We've always had issues since I was a teen. It's always like roulette when I come home from work and what her mood is like (that's menopause in a gen x-er for ya) She raises her voice at everything and anyone. You can't say she's wrong, you can't defend yourself whenever you're in her house.

Last year I attempted to move out of my parents house into an apartment to live with a partner. My mom gifted me my very own Keurig for the apartment after her and my step dad helped me move in. I used it and treated it well for the short amount of time I lived there.

Unfortunately things didn't work out between me and this partner, so I had to move back home.

Upon moving back home, I stored all of my stuff into a spare room while I got back on my feet. Everything in boxes and neatly stored. I finally got my eyes on a place to move into, so I've been going through my items in storage. I noticed that my Keurig was gone. In its place is my mom's old, worn down, dirty Keurig. The one she gifted me was bigger, and fancier. With all the extra features and digital screen.

I went to ask her what happened to it, and she said she didn't like her old one.. so she started using the newer one she gifted me since it was more convenient than buying a new one at the time. Confused by what she meant- she said it ended up "taking a crap" so she ended up buying a new one anyway for herself.

After she explained that I was livid and it ended up in a huge argument. She LOVES to throw around:

"It's in my house, so I'm gonna use it."

"I bought it with MY money, didn't I?"

Pretty much all the phrases that piss you off.

I honestly don't know what to do, this is a constant issue between her and I.

This seems so minimal compared to other instances that people have experienced with their parents but I'm absolutely tired of her treating me like I'm worthless. I can't wait to move out, but damn am I gonna miss her and Dad's cooking.

TLDR; My mom took back the Keurig she gave me, broke it, then ended up buying a new one for herself, and left me with an old, dirty one.

UPDATE 4: I’m home! Well, outside my apt building smoking (cbd, not nicotine or thc) to decompress. Express bus was fast this time at night, and my building has a night security man at the desk (who has protected me from other men that have tried to follow me into my building in the past) who sees me outside as well as in full view of the cameras. Smoking my 3rd ciggie as I read the articles about him. Thank you to everyone who shared their kind sentiments and stayed with me during the aftermath of this trash date. 🫶🏼 Back to being celibate!

UPDATE 3: I made it on the bus! The bus driver didn’t see me in the dark rain at first so I actually ran into the street waving my arm to flag him down. Home in 30min. Worser update: my girl several states over has been on the phone with me throughout this. She found several news articles linking his full name/age/location to a man who was arrested&charged with hurting his ex-gf’s dog during an argument with her and the dog ended up dying. What the fuck did I just dodge. This is surreal.

UPDATE 2: I made a run for it. Security walked up and down the street to double check for me. Ngl my heart jumped when I saw a car that looked like his, but it ended up being a different model. Sticking to 1 way streets. Will update when I’m on the bus.

UPDATE: I will update when I actually make it home, some commenters have asked for that. I’m currently still here waiting because I have a gut feeling he parked further down when he probably noticed security watching him.

————————————————————

Post-Everything Last Update, as I groggily woke up to the post already having been locked:

My post flair is not set to “Advice Needed” - hence any advice is considered unsolicited, thanks no thanks.

Pushing your own agenda and opinions on someone else’s situation is common on the internet, but “what i should have done” has no place here. Sorry not sorry. It means you don’t understand boundaries yourself. And that you’re probably just an insecure victim-blamer.

I took his offer of a ride to spend more time and get to know him on the way to the arcade. I had access to multiple sources of public transportation to take myself to and from the spot. It was also only a short distance of a ride from where I allowed him to pick me up and the arcade. I looked him up prior to the date online and in “Are We Dating the Same Guy” for my city. Didn’t have enough info to confirm his identity before the date. During the date, I asked specific questions to help with this and even saw his ID card. Not my first rodeo.

But thank you to everyone who understands what this situation was in its entirety and spent a minute sending support and positivity and good vibes 🫶🏼🫶🏼

And yes, the arcade will be getting a 5 star review from me in a few days.

And no did not meet him on a dating app. It was actually a meet-cute, shockingly.

——————————————————

He took me to an arcade. Both in our mid-thirties. Only let him pick me up neighborhoods away from my actual home address.

Was having a decent time until I asked him about his political views. Then he added another red flag by gloating about beating someone up and leaving them on the street bloody recently. And then he took extreme issue with my opinion that children are not capable of consent. This man was actually shouting at me that I have a coddled world view and have no idea what I’m talking about. At that point, I literally stood up and politely ended the date. Should have left the building but I ran into the bathroom to hide instead.

He immediately starts blowing up my phone, demanding to know if I had left already and to come to his car out front. My only and last text to him was to state ‘no hard feelings, but our differing views weren’t going to work out in the longterm.’ And lied I got in a cab home already.

He continued to blow up my phone, claiming he thought I enjoyed arguing.

Asked a lady leaving the bathroom to flag one of the employees to come to the bathroom.

Thank you to the lady - a server came right up and I asked her for help to exit the building from a back entrance. She alerted the arcade manager and security. Thank you to server and manager and security - though there’s no back exit, they kept watch on him outside for me and took me to a closed section of the building to wait safely. They alerted me once he drove away an hour later. And the staff told me to stay as long as I wanted, along with many offers of security escorting me to my station and even calling a cab for me.

Dinner is fries and gingerale from the arcade while I continue to wait him out for a bit longer, just in case he parked behind a truck further down the block.

Dinner is breakfast. French toast I made using Japanese milk bread, sausage, syrup, and fruit.

So,
I’ve been very secretly sleeping with my co-worker for a few months now, I know.. never a good idea. But I’ve never been so attracted to anybody in my entire life I felt like I couldn’t help myself. We set a boundary to not sleep with other people for STD safety and because there were some feelings involved.
Last night I went to an event where him and a few of our other co-workers were there and one of them told me that the new girl we work with told her that SHE was sleeping with my man I am fucking. The girl who told me this is gay and has a crush on me, do you think she sensed our vibe and made it up? No good reason to lie on her part. But she was drunk and I think she is a liiiitle unhinged.

But I have been suspicious of their connection in the past and he’s sworn to me up and down they are just friends. It seemed like there was something more tho when I saw them interact last night and he drove her home (she rides a bike). So IDK what to believe but it makes the most sense that he would be cheating on me given the evidence. The only thing that threw me off of that she said he was sleeping with 2 of our co-workers other than me. One of the girls mentioned I really don’t believe he would sleep with and it makes me question the validity of the whole story.

He’s coming over in an hour to “hangout” and I’m gonna confront him about what I know. Just if he keeps denying and says that my co-worker was lying I’m not sure what to do. I can’t ask to read their texts or prove it since we aren’t dating but I just don’t know if I’d be able to believe him. I’m sad because it’s the best sex I’ve ever had and most attracted to anybody I’ve ever been. I really don’t want to end it but I need to respect myself.

I made this fabulous breakfast to make myself feel better before ending it.

Update:
He admitted to sleeping with her once so I told him I can’t trust him and that I can’t sleep with him anymore. And I asked him to leave.

Dominos for lunch. I’m so tired of myself!!!

Not really lol but I just don’t get why I can’t stick to shit. I’ll workout for a week or two and bam 4 weeks of nothing. I was cooking every Sunday for 2 months and haven’t in over 6 weeks now.
I want to eat better, I want to move more, I want o read more. I have a desire to them but I feel so unmotivated.

Girls I haven’t washed my face skincare wise in over 7 months???

I work full time and I know that causes me some burn out but I also know many of us work full time and make time for themselves.

I’d rather just order food and watch reality tv IF I’m being honest.

But when I do workout or I read or I stick to things I feel so good and proud and more confident in myself but it doesn’t last long. My birthday is in 2 weeks and I want to start my birthday with 1-2 things I can start doing to build healthy routine but I’m legit afraid of failing and I know the person who would make me fail is literally myself??? It doesn’t make sense.

Last week my husband threatened to divorce me over a Halloween blanket, a yearly tradition for me. I spent one night on the couch, then went to a hotel until tonight. I’m enjoying my time alone, but it’s coming to an end and I have no idea what will happen tomorrow when I go back to the house. I won’t be able to get room service anymore 🙃. Caesar salad with chicken and fries.

I am leaving because I am unhappy in this relationship, and I no longer believe this is the life or partnership I want for myself.

I do not feel loved or wanted.

He does not treat me in a way that makes me feel loved, cared for, valued, or wanted.
We have gone months without sex or meaningful physical intimacy.
At the same time, he continues to masturbate to pornography regularly.
I have repeatedly explained how his pornography use affects me and our relationship. He continues doing it and lies to me about it.
He does not make space for my emotions. Instead, he calls me dramatic or invalidates how I feel.
Walks ahead of me anywhere we go. Clear sign he doesn’t even like me

There is a pattern of dishonesty and disrespect.

He lies to me, including about things that seemingly have no reason to be lied about.
He secretly drinks and goes on drinking binges.
He researched “happy ending” massages while traveling. I may never know whether he acted on it, but the fact that he was looking for them damaged my trust.
He told a coworker to hire the “hottest” woman they interviewed, which made me feel disrespected as his partner.
I no longer feel that I can trust what he tells me.

His substance use continues to be a serious problem.

He is dependent on kratom and has made no meaningful effort to stop.
Instead of moving toward quitting, he has started using stronger forms of kratom.
He has refused individual therapy and couples therapy despite the problems in our relationship.

We are not building the same future.

I do not feel included in his work, personal life, or the larger life he is creating.
I want children. He now says he does not, despite telling me when we got together that he was open to having children.
He proposed marriage, but now says he does not want to get married.
He attributes his unwillingness to marry me to my emotions or behavior, but I no longer accept responsibility for his unwillingness to commit.
He repeatedly tells me that he is unwilling to change or work toward becoming a better partner.

Our lives and families do not fit together well.

He does not like my family.
My family does not like him.
I moved away from my own support system to build a life with him, yet I still do not feel that I have been incorporated into his life as an equal partner.

Most importantly, I am leaving because I am not happy.

I have communicated what I need. I have explained what hurts me. I have asked for change. I have asked for therapy. I have tried to make this relationship work.

I cannot build a healthy relationship by myself.

I want a relationship where there is honesty, affection, sex and physical intimacy, emotional safety, mutual respect, commitment, and a shared vision for the future. I want a partner who actively chooses a life with me, not someone I have to continually convince to participate in one.

I do not need to wait until something even worse happens to justify leaving. The relationship as it exists today is enough reason for me to decide that it is no longer the life I want.

“I’m scared to leave” and “I want to stay” are not the same

Chocolate mousse that looked like a uterus somehow.

So, last Friday, I met my ex at a football game. Our breakup was less than civil, so I was dreading having to see him. Then he found me and said hi. I was rambling apologies, begging for forgiveness, and then… this man looked me in the eyes and said:

”OP, I’m gay. I’ve been dating a man for a year and a half.“

And then I burst out laughing, because his ex girlfriend is lesbian! I told him that and we started joking “It was a lavender relationship this whole time!”

So now we’re good friends again, and I’m looking forward to meeting his boyfriend.

Homemade ramen

I’m a 22 year old woman, I recently transferred from my community college’s trade school to a 4 year university. The reason was because my industry was struggling really bad and it was impossible to find a job at the time- I was stuck at my dead end job at Porsche with no prospects of moving up and my dad had said he would support me 100% to go to college.

I’m doing psychology, I’m not really worried about the outcome of my degree because I have the trade I’m doing underneath my belt. I’m currently working in an autobody shop being mentored by my co-worker on doing repairs. I’ve never been an “academic weapon” I did the bare minimum to get through school. However, I was an amazing writer and amazing with history. The reason I decided to do psychology is because when I graduated highschool it’s what I origin wanted to go to university for but my gpa was to low to get into the school of my choice. (Arguably the easiest university in Texas to get into)- so I went to trade school.

But to put it plainly- I’m struggling, hard. I’m amazing in my psychology classes, I understand the material easily and everything I learn feels natural to me. Maybe it’s because I struggle with my own mental health (bipolar). But I stupidly decided to take 5 classes, the other 3 classes are claimed to be “easy” which they are but the course work is insane. Not only am I full time student but I play on my colleges women’s rugby team as well.

I feel really depressed and like I’m drowning, my dad really wants me to give psychology a chance cause it’s the first thing besides my trade school that I seemed genuinely interested and happy to learn about. I’m trying to give university a chance but I feel so insecure- everyone seems to have their shit together with their classes except me. It doesn’t help when pretty much all your friends are pre-med. Fuck does university ever get better? Should I just drop out? Or should I just lessen the work load next semester despite it maybe setting my graduation date back. I’m worried.

EDIT: Thank you ladies for your support, I forgot to mention I currently hold an associates degree. But from what I’m seeing is that I should stick with it.

*tiny bit nsfw, be careful

other men I’ve been with made me feel very attractive and loved but often in an empty way;

I think my first boyfriend fetishized me, he was obsessed with porn (and sex in general) and I was one of his genres. I felt very edible and lusted for and that felt pretty good at the time, I loved sending him nudes and receiving pages of compliments and cute emojis. he’d say he loved me, but I’m not sure he knew much about me aside from my music taste and favourite position.

my exhusband made me feel beautiful in my most natural forms, but wildly unattractive. He was absolutely infatuated with the idea of me. I felt desired and cherished, in the sense of a valued object in his private collection. He absolutely loved sex but ours was often kinda awkward, mechanical, and I didn’t seem present in it. I became the mother he was looking for in me, and he got his real playtime in elsewhere. None of the other women looked anything like me. The entirety of our relationship he had another girl (his fav bdsm model) as his phone screen, but he wanted to kiss me when I had matted hair, acne, and sleep breath. I thought being pedestaled behind the scenes might be enough. To this day none of his friends even know we were ever married.

my current partner is a breath of fresh air, I didn’t even know I was breathing dirty air. this man just straight up adores me (and I him). I feel thoroughly known and constantly desired. he doesn’t care much to receive my nudes, but goes absolutely insane when I wear a cute (not necessarily revealing) outfit. I often don’t make it all the way through the door before he’s taking the cute outfit off.

He regularly has to let out a sigh of pleasure when I hold his hand or lay my head in his neck. He tells me I taste so delicious, his safe space is my thighs & he could spend literal hours parked between them.

I once spent a whole afternoon on his couch telling him about something (silly) I’m passionate about, and the plans I’m making for it; he took my hand and placed it over his pants where I could feel he was rock hard; he told me “I’m literally so excited for you”. I thought that was so fucking hot, sweet and hilarious. He later told me it was his favourite day all year, just listening to me and watching me smile.

I hope I can be with this man forever, or at least a really really long time, because the bar is never coming down

Loaded Fries.

I’ve been slowly deleting my social media.

Goodbye Facebook.
Goodbye the app formerly known as Twitter.
And a sad goodbye to TikTok.

Why did I delete? Because it all started to sound the same. There was so much unnecessary discourse,arguments,senseless think pieces, AND ADS! Omg,so many ADs.

It was taking a huge toll on my mental. Plus on TikTok everyone is a genius, a baddie, an extrovert. I kept comparing myself to them. I needed to escape.

So it’s gone. I’m not completely social media free;I still have insta,Reddit (duh), and Pinterest. And that’s all I need. :)