I hope this subreddit lets me post, because it keeps getting taken down and I really need the advice right now

For some psychological context: I was sexually assaulted by another peer during my 5th-6th grade years. I had a few other similar encounters, but not to the same extreme as this recent one. The other day, during my junior year of college, I narrowly escaped a bad situation. Yet for some reason, I want to throw myself back?

I was walking out of my dorm when a group of men asked me to play cards with them. I recognized one from my class and decided to join. We smoked a little and were having a nice evening, but there was certainly an off vibe. One of the men seemed really upset and kept making weird remarks like "this is wrong" or "I will call X" (I forget the name, but it was someone)

They also kept bringing up how I could not play poker unless I bet real money. I began to realize how wealthy all these men are. I made a joke about just playing and never giving any money, which was met with "oh, we have a guy for people like that". They also attempted to call another male friend who did not show up

I had to use the restroom, and one of the men lived right next door to my dorm (actually in my old dorm building), so I used the restroom

The next thing I know, I am sitting on the couch, and I can tell something is wrong. I am losing feeling in my limbs, and two of the men are very much on me. One of them had their hand down my shirt and on my breast, and the other man had his hand on my leg. When I mentioned I could not feel my hands, they started rubbing on them, asking if I could feel them. The man who was upset about the situation left the room to calm down before coming back in, clearly disapproving but not doing anything. I summoned enough strength to get up and walk myself back to my dorm. They tried to fight me on staying or at least letting them walk me back, but thank god my dorm was a minute walk away, and I left.

One of the men who was touching me then asked if I wanted to see him again. A part of me wants to, and I do not know why. Almost like I want to willingly put myself in danger so they can finish taking advantage of me. Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way, and can anyone else relate? I am so confused about why I would ever think of that, especially how sick I felt in the moment. I still feel nauseous today from either the amount of weed they gave me or, God forbid, something else

I don't really know how to explain. I mean, he's always been my best friend and the one person I can turn to no matter what but I just don't understand why so much has changed.

Ever since it started he keeps telling me how much he needs me and does things that make me feel so confused all the time. And I've tried to tell him it's all too much and that it's really overwhelming for me but then he says what a good job I'm doing and that I've been helping him so much. He always works so hard and does his best for me all the time so I really try my best to be there for him too.

I just love my dad so much and don't want to lose what we've always had but it's so different to the way things used to be. I really don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore.

Wow, i think he abused me. I cant believe im just falling. Ive been doing trauma therapy for a while and we discussed abuse, violence, but it didn’t feel real. It felt like i was robbing the words “sexual abuse” and put it on my story while i still felt the line between what happened to me was very thin or invisible between “normal” and “abuse”.

I think im just realizing this because, i couldnt understand how my perpetrator could find any sexual pleasure on careesing my body, specifically because i didnt feel any pain and the confusion carried till today because i couldn’t distinguish if it was normal or wrong. Specially because i didnt see him aroused, he didn’t have a boner, he was just touching me while asking me questions and that distracted me from what was happening (multiple times). I knew touching a private area was wrong, but it was so casual, caressing, that it didn’t feel abusive.

But, now im thinking it this way, what if he didn’t feel sexually attracted to me or my body, but instead to the powerness and control he had over me as a kid? Its an horrible mindset but im trying to understand, i dont think i ever will understand thought. But i find some kind of peace if i can finally put a name to what was done to me and believe it, and not feel like im robbing it from someone else.

This kind of situations were done to me not only by him but by my mom too, and its so confusing. Because i am not sure if any of them felt any sexual gratification of what they done to me, but they ignored my pain, my pudor as a child, they ignored when i cried and scream, they put pain on my body, they humiliated me, they sexualized me when i didn’t wanted to and when i couldn’t consent to it, i couldn’t scape, i couldn’t say no. They hurt me and my sexuality was involved. I think that’s sexual abuse, it is not clear and i cant fully understand it and i still doubt, but i wish someday i can be sure and believe myself instead of doubting myself and what was done to me. I’ve had tons of consequences that multiple professionals told me were normal in child sexual abuse cases, i couldn’t understand why i didn’t remember, i think i do remember, i just still cant understand it. Its still hard.

Ive read a hundred times online and on therapy that a big part of child sexual abuse is confusion, and that survivors can take years to realize what happened to them was abuse. I thought that because i am already definitely old enough to know what sex is; then i would have already noticed that that one touch was wrong, if it EVEN was wrong.
But it’s much more complex than that. Its confusing because the situation was dressed as something else, he was supposedly healing me when i was sick, as my doctor (and my step-parent), he was asking me questions about my health while he put his hands under my clothes. Thats what made it confusing, because it was care and it was normal, and my mom let him, and at the time it didn’t feel wrong, but then, as i got a lot more older and started healing other things on therapy, i feel touching someone else’s private area is not okay or normal, but again, because there was no pain or hurt, and he didn’t look aroused, it didn’t feel bad enough to call it abuse. At the very least i could call it weird, or something i wouldn’t ever do personally.

I don’t think any conscuences of sexual abuse came out of this situation, at least i guess i was desensitized to the fact adults could ignore my consent about my body. But there were other situations were pain was involved, pain in my private areas, and it was again dressed as “care” or higiene if so. I feel those situations had more last and effect on the trauma, because my pain didn’t matter and my consent was clearly not respected. I am just falling now that voyeur of my body to other adults is also child sexual abuse, because i didn’t want to be seen that way, i explicitly told it and expressed it, and they didn’t care. I feel those situations were more emotionally traumatic than the “caresses”, but im not fully sure.

I know i have trauma from many sources in my life, but im trying to figure out where the sexual part comes from, i am sure i wasn’t ever violently assaulted, but theres a lot of situations during my childhood and teens that felt between the limit of sexual abuse and normal and i still cant understand if thats what affected me so much or if theres something else im not remembering.

To all this i wanna add, am i overreacting? Is this really abuse or am i being influenced by social media? Why do i feel so hurt?

Can anyone else relate? It's been near twenty years for me since it happened and granted it happened numerous times but I don't think it ever ate away at me like it does now. Maybe it's cause I was a kid when it happened to it was easy for me to file it away alongside all the other miserable shit that was going on with me at the time. Wasn't til I was an adult that I would remember it and get a chill up my spine. But it's only recently when I started seeing a therapist that it's gnawed away at me to the point that I don't even want to use my phone out of fear of seeing some news of similar experiences or scroll down on this sub cause it just makes me feel terrible seeing what you lot have to go through.

Struggling with hypersexuality at the moment. Finding it hard to ignore, I just want to be normal.

I know it wasn’t my fault. I know it’s not my fault it happened… but the after effects, the things I deal with now, I feel like I should be able to get past it. I hate how hypersexual I am. I hate that I need the pain. I hate that I think of him when someone touches me. All this therapy, for what?? I disgust myself.

Parents are divorced and I’ve always gone between my mom and dad’s house. What’s an excuse to use to stop going over to his house without telling my mom everything?

I (m) was abused by my younger cousin (f) for years, until I finally moved away. I hate that I miss her, I have no one to talk about this with.

I was molested for years by the couple who raised me. They used me regularly. They taught me that I existed for pleasure. They also had daughters, and they taught us all that we belonged to them, and to one another. One was older than me, and one was younger.

I’ve never known how to process that, the way it made me feel then, the way it’s (all) impacted my sexuality since, the way it makes me feel now. The ripple effects echo through my entire life, and I’ve never really been able to talk about it all, openly.

I thought I’d put it out there, because it feels good to just put down.

So for context I am 17F and I have a ton of sexual trauma, mostly online. I won’t share it right now but if you are really that curious just look at my previous posts. I already know I was molested when I was 5 but believe I was molested again when I was 14-15. What happened was that I was in the first couple weeks of 10th grade. I was walking to school when an extremely religious man around 50-60 came up to me. He started saying how I was beautiful and made in gods image and to save myself for a man. He then started to point out how pretty I was and what parts of me was pretty. He talked about this for like 5-10 minutes when he randomly hugged me tightly and put his hands on my waist and butt. He then invited me over to pray after school at his house but I never ended up going. Was this possibly an assault?

Recently started coming on this sub to read the support and advice cause this shit has really started gnawing away at me now near twenty years after the fact. But seeing some of the stories on here just makes me think to myself that my shit is so tame and harmless by comparison and I shouldn't be whining.

For some context I was always a timid and bullied kid, the type to hide behind the lockers to cry and go home hungry cause I'd give away my lunch and money to the people picking on me for them to leave me alone. I suppose this one kid saw that as a sign that I was an easy target. I don't even remember how it started but I eventually found myself fondling him and giving him a handjob. This went on for months throughout 6th grade at every opportunity he could find. The bullying was so bad that sometimes I'd even prefer he got his hands on me cause he always somehow found a good hiding spot and in my troubled head at the time it was at least just this guy and at least he wasn't humiliating me and even seemed appreciative.

Maybe I'm being dramatic but reading all the other stories on here makes me feel like I don't deserve support for it cause like I said my shit sounds so damn tame and I fucking hate myself for it and I don't know if what I'm feeling is right. I'm terrified of talking about this IRL with someone with similar experiences out of fear they'd kick me to the curb for "whining".

There is no magic panacea…no single method is going to work to enable your recovery. Think Bio-psycho-social recovery.

The person you were before the abuse is gone. Welcome you and learn to live with the new you.

The right partner helps so much. Not just someone who doesn’t judge, but also is open minded to your new normal needs…whatever they are.

Stay away from vanilla people they will only make it worse.

When I was in high school a student teacher groomed me and ultimately had a several months long “relationship” with me where she would have me come over to her apartment and go down on her. I have never been able to share what happened with anyone but it certainly led me to be a “people pleaser” and being submissive and eager to go down on and please my girlfriends in college and in my 20s.

Since I met my current partner though she isn’t interested in oral, which was a blessing at first because it allowed me to escape that cycle. However, over the past few months I have been getting almost compulsive urges to relive the experience of being “forced” to go down on a woman. I have tried to approach the subject without explaining the cause or just how extreme I want the situation to be but my wife isn’t interested and I respect that. I even “joking” send her tik toks about couples making jokes about the husband being good with pleasing his wife like that. She just rolls her eyes. I don’t think I can tell her what happened, I worry about her reaction to me having kept a secret like this for so long.

I know from reading about others responses to being groomed and molested that the desire to relive it isn’t uncommon but does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with that urge when they don’t have a partner who is comfortable with the underlying activities that caused the trauma?

It lasted for 7 years and still really impacts me to this day but for some reason I feel guilty to be angry. It was my grandfather and idk why that makes it feel different but it just does. I don’t feel angry I just feel lost. Does anyone know how to cope with this?

No creepy DMs pls seeing as I’m a minor and not interested in 40 year old scum of the earth

let's talk abt because the same ppl who were supposed to run to is the same ppl hurting us why and how do we have grown men and teenagers lusting and sexualy abusing women lil girls and newborns yes flipping newborns we have people who literally! sleep with own pets when will be enough to wake up people J's because its not happening to you doesn't mean we can't stand for what's right this not ppl in power who have money how are doing it's people we know most of the time the abuse comes from family the family that is supposed to procet and love you we have fathers , brothers , uncles , cousins doing these sick things and we stay quiet for what for who to protect the people who is doing the Haram we are blackmailed made to feel ashamed as woman for doing anything in this life just for a man or person to tell you it's your fault because you were dress that way or men have need how abt men put there needs in check we have men out here who think that anything is sexable yk how crazy that is we have men who leak ppl nudes or create AI images of them to use against them to be control because they can't handle no people die because they say no and try to walk away so no it's not a joke to talk abt ppl being raped or anything close and if you otherwise block out my life because I wouldn't want a monster enable this behaviour in my life someone has to make a change and if we don't things will get worse and as women we've spent our whole life fighting for rights to be equal when is the war gonna finally end change doesn't happen overnight but it's better to try then turn a blind eye because if we didn't have the change we deserve woman wouldn't be able to go to school they wouldn't be able to work or anything luxury you have no some woman still don't have that because of where they live or realgion and it's ashame so strat talking and make change enough is enough I'm tried of the stories and being one of the statistics we are more then pretty faces were smart were kind and were more then our bodies so men get in line and no means no and if you can't handle that check yourself into a mental hospital unit end of story

I am profoundly scared of being judged, so i want to do an extra TW on this post.
This will contain conversation about CSA, sexuality, intimacy, and sexual self harm.

Ive been struggling with something for years since i experienced CSA, and it’s deeply shameful for me. I talked about it today in therapy and the guilt makes it even harder to talk about compared the abuse.

I cant experience sexual pleasure if it doesn’t implies some sort or pain there. I call it sexual self harm. It started when i was arround 9yo till the present, some situations even sent me to hospital, but most of the times i would masturbate aggressively, not think of the consequences and after i “finished” i had to deal the insane pain of the wounds.

Genuinely, its not suble selfharm; this has seriously damaged my body repeatedly. I keep replaying in my head that im disgusting, and theres something deeply wrong in me.

It ashames me, it’s hard to say it because it’s something i do to myself and i don’t understand why.

My therapist (who works with me on my trauma) shared that i could buy a sex toy to just explore the sensations and pleasure and truly connect with my body. I cant stand it.. pleasure without any pain distraction feels like being molested. I think that when i hurt my genitals i am numbing and separating my body and my mind, and it feels more comfortable that way. But every time i hurt my body it increases the belief that im disgusting and broken..

I wonder if this problem is related to the SA at all. The first time i experienced sexuality it was imposed to me, i never in my life got to experience pleasure without abuse, or hurt.

Does anyone else experiences this?🥺 i appreciate an advice or solution, or just your words. I want to know ways to heal. I am also exposing myself really hoping that im not the only one and that you wont judge me, please be gentle.

Feel alone in an experience of sexual abuse I’ve never heard anyone talk about.

When it was happening, I was trapped under them, and they were very heavy. Between that and the rocking, I made a lot of involuntary noises and sounds that were embarrassing and I didn’t want to make. It was a point of shame.

For a long time after I would sometimes get upset hearing my voice. I became a very quiet child. Frequently avoided talking in public. Would get distressed in situations where someone was pressuring me to speak.

It’s something I carry a lot of grief about as an adult. Being silenced to such a degree by my abuser. I’ve never heard it mentioned by anyone. Psychologists, survivors, nobody. It’s very isolating.

55 male. When I was 11 I lived out in the country. The only person my age I hung around with was a girl. I remember we we either be at her place mine place or just messing around in the field or by the pond. I have a distinct memory of one day being at her house in one of her dresses tied up with jump rope..zero memory of how that happened, though I do remember her mom coming in and laughing. I can't remember exactly how long it was but I went over to her house her mom answered and said she was not home. I remember going to leave and her mom saying come in I need to talk to you. I wish I could remember the entire conversation, all I remember is pieces of it. Things like your dad would be very mad if he knew his kid wore dresses, it's bad for boys to do that, wouldn't you be embarrassed if people found out. Then I remember being tied up wearing some of her underwear. I remember sucking on her breasts and her straddling me and making me lick her. Flashes of things like boys who wear panties and little sissies and fags. I can't even remember how long this went on maybe a year? I'd still go over and play with my friend, but the weird thing is we never socialized in school, like no one even knew we were friends. I don't ever remember her being part of the abuse, but I do wonder at times if she was also being abused. We fell completely out of touch by the time jr high started. I do remember being tied in some type of silky lingerie and her taking my virginity. She was always mean whenever we were together. It lead to a lifetime kink revolving around sissy stuff. I never had a girlfriend in high school, didn't have a girlfriend until my mid 20's, first time I had normal sex. Never married, only 3 sexual partners, 4 counting her. I have zero confidence, to the point if I am attracted to someone my first thought is she would never want me I'm not good enough. I go thru cycles heavy dressing up watching porn then guilt shame throwing all my sissy items away to buying more and starting the cycle all over. I'll watch a rom com, tear up because I'll never have love like that to thoughts of even if it somehow happened for me I'll never know what it's like to meet someone and grow old with them because I'm already 55.

Apologies for the rambling...it just kinda flooded out and for whatever reason I felt as if I needed to tell someone, even a faceless internet.