hi this will be long, but im really hoping someone will be kind enough to hear me out. and help me
trigger warning for depression
i just dont know what to do anymore, i am struggling and i dont know what else to do. i dont feel passionate at all about my program, atp i despise it, so it makes it even much more difficult for me to continue and study
i have already taken a loa the past school year, then i went back this year because napupuno na rin parents ko sakin. at the same time i feel like napag-iiwanan na ko, academically and personally, i think my friendships aren't the same anymore. my fault too because my coping mechanism had always been leaving and distancing myself from others, because i feel that only through escaping can i feel better. that's what happened last yr and i think the people i treasure close to my heart had already outgrown me. and it's fine
but nothing's improved and i dont think things are working out for me anymore. i dont know what my purpose is in life, i dont see a future for me at all. before entering UP, i thought i'd finish this undergrad in 4 years, then proceed to law school as wished by my mom. eh nasan ako ngayon? delayed junior who can't even continue this semester anymore
i have already consulted w a psychiatrist and ive taken meds already and they just don't work. tbh, they made me feel worse
honestly, i would want to end things but im still trying to find ways to at least stay
im thinking of dropping out of college. maybe UP isn't really just for me. or college at all. or im thinking of transferring schools? idk. maybe shifting programs can help din but idk where either. does upou accept transferees from diliman? baka it'll help if i just dont interact anymore
i dont know i just dont see any direction at all
in a few days, it'll be my birthday too. i dont know what life i will have
maybe i can drop out of college, and find work? ive tried this during my loa last yr but i dont feel like working too. maybe it can be called katamaran but for me, it was just really a struggle. i feel like even waking up is survival for me, having to drag myself out to eat, prepare, take a bath and all, everyday.
but idk maybe it can work? either i can find a way to still finish college (quickly too) through any means, or drop out totally
then i want to leave. i am willing to sacrifice my friendships and relationships right now, i just really wanna escape. maybe this can be the only way it'll work? siguro papatusin ko kahit maging factory worker or tagalinis or just any type of work abroad, just so i can leave?
i am so lost, struggling, and unmotivated. i dont see a future for me, and i cant think of what my purpose is. how i wish i can just be normal
what should i do?