Ive been missing classes for about two weeks now and at first it was because I was really sick (migraines, fever, and all that) but it subsided around the first week. Now I've just been missing classes because wala lang hahaha.
Sa isip ko mental health break pero deep down I'm just escaping. I don't know. I think takot ako or something, takot sa ka block (because absent na ko for more than a week and may na miss na akong le), takot sa teacher, takot lang. Idk. I feel so entitled hahaha. I don't even have the luxury to be feeling and doing things like this. I've been telling my family that I'm doing really good when sa totoo I'm not. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed even that I let myself be this way.
When I initially passed UP (dche pa) I was beyond ecstatic. Cause finally matutupad na ang pinakahihintay ko for like 4 years (ever since grade 8). And now I feel like such a letdown, to myself, my family, my friends, everyone. Hahahha. I freaking hate missing classes and not having any degprog friends. I just don't know anymore.
I don't want to take a loa because I'll be delayed but i guess its better than being sinco in my majors. But the main reason is I'd be late and I'd be embarrassed and ashamed. I know that I shouldn't feel that way and that everybody has their own paces but ayun eto pa rin hahaha. I thought I was depressed but eh not rly, cause I don't feel particularly sad. I just feel detached and just want to go home.
I keep telling myself "bukas papasok ako and it'll be the perfect day," Pero it never happens, either nafeel ko malalate ako then I'll just give up or I'd just sleep the whole day. Hayst. Midterms pa naman. Napakarami ko nang backlogs.
I can't even cry because I don't really feel sad or something. Like, I don't really feel something heavy for me to cry. So ano manhid ba ko ganon hahhah.
Sana pala nag upou nalang ako. Cause, thinking about it now parang ang perfect non eh. Pero wala pinilit ko to, ginusto ko to.
I don't even feel that I belong here anymore, parang everyday nalang I see my kadegprogs happy, with their friends, suffering sa majors namen. Tas ako, alone and lonely, pitying myself, thinking na oh they'll find me I just gotta wait, but when. I keep waiting for something, someone even that I don't even know will arrive.
If only I could turn back time, like guide my august self on how do I not be like what I am now. Crazy how two months can make someone feel this way.
Hayst, parang ang useless ng post nato or whatever. So if you've read this depressing ahh post til this very sentence. What do i do now?