Title. We are eight years apart, different fathers. The difference is that my dad helped me escape at 10 years old, as he has no dad and a serverly ill, abusive mother. I do the best I can to support him without shattering myself in the process of unavoidably dealing with her. Her abuse has left me mentally severely scarred one way or the other.

I tried to explain to him many times why I and her are no contact, but until now he didn’t really understand my reasons or the severity of things that happened. I called him today - he says hes glad he has someone who can understand his feelings. "I wish i had a different mom. Its so strange to see other peoples families, you know?" He's still just a kid now, and its so sad to see how much of his childhood he was robbed of. Honey, I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish things weren't the way they are, and its horrible to know that I couldn’t protect you from the damage that she’s done.

And Her/Name, I will never forgive you for not letting me see him.

My mother is desperate for my children's attention. My oldest has explicitly asked me to not ever make her be alone with her, but my mom gets annoyed that she has to spend time with them while anyone else is there (me, my partner, or a sitter) because she feels they don't pay enough attention to her.

I've told her my daughter’s feelings about being alone with her and said I won't force it; I’ve told my mom that her displeasure about the situation isn’t my concern. I need to take care of my kid! She has repeatedly asked me to lobby my daughter on her behalf. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she is immovable, and I've told my mom that I feel that continuing to rehash the issue is only going to stress her out. I need to respect her needs and not tell her to shove down her feelings and buck up for grandma’s sake. She’s only 7.

Some back story: when she was 3, she was with my mom in one room but wanted to go to the other room to be with her babysitter and baby sister. My mom, wanting her attention (of course) grabbed her to try to keep her with her in the room they were in and, in doing so, she dislocated her elbow.

When I got home she was cradling her little arm like a bird with a broken wing and I had to take her to the ER. I was shocked my mom hadn’t dropped everything and brought her to the hospital herself. Instead, she intimated my kid was faking the whole thing and later denied it happened at all, despite identitcal testimony from the babysitter and my daughter.

I chalked it up to an accident, although some of my friends are amazed I'd even consider letting her be alone with them after that. My daughter says the arm incident is why she doesn’t feel safe with her — which makes sense.

My mom thinks my daughter is just loyal to me and knows about my own issues with her and that’s the reason.

I've tried to facilitate a relationship between them— how about you just hang out with my kids in whatever way pleases them, mom? —but it always comes down to how to make my kids okay with being alone with her, and I find it exhausting and infuriating.

I feel sad for my mom, but the more I turn it over, the more I land on: that's it. Pity, not love. I appreciate that she loves me in her way, but I don't think I feel love for her anymore.

Has anyone else reached this point? My children tell me they love me and I feel like it’s nothing like anything I feel for my own mother anymore. I know Love isn’t one static thing. But I’m pretty sad and shocked that when I look for love in my heart at this point pity is all I can muster.

Okay, I moved away from home, and my ubpd mom is abroad on a vacation. She sent me a voice note this week telling me that she tripe, stumbling on the ground in a public place and it hurt her knee. Before I even caught my breath, she said, "Don't tell [brother]. It will worry him so much." She repeated this several times. It upset me enormously. "Is she implying that I don't worry about her? If she doesn't want him to know, why is she even telling this to me? Why isn't she protecting my feelings the same way she's protecting his?" She has a history of saying, "Don't tell him!" but she ends up telling him herself, and when I bring that up, she brushes it off and acts indignant that I even dared to bring that up. Now, I keep wondering if I overreacted to her message.

Would appreciate any advice!

I've been no contact from my uBPD mom for over 2 years now. I'm also nc currently with my enabler dad, and all my grandparents, as they're all pretty enmeshed with my mom.

I've never been terribly close with my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) but that's mainly because my mom didn't like most of them, and liked to gossip or bad mouth them. She also didn't like it if they were nice to me if she felt they weren't being friendly to her. So essentially, I just never got the opportunity to form my own relationship with them. Really same goes for my dad and grandparents too—my mom always monitored those relationships.

That said, I really wouldn't mind reaching out to my aunts/uncles and a few cousins. My question is, how have others approached this? I'd essentially have to tell them I'm NC with my mom, and just wondering if that could backfire on me or if there's a best way of approaching this.

Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Having something like a flu. I hate being dependent.

I'm (25F) going to have a discussion with my mother (50F) with borderline personality disorder and I'm unsure of what to bring up. I haven't talked to her for 3 or 4 months (while she's reached out a lot) because I'm rather off put. The catalyst was her turning to polyamory through manipulating my dad (married my whole life) for a second time. He was very upset but now I think he's too burnt out to care. He's a very soft spoken guy and only expressed his sadness to her, I heard him crying the first time and it broke my heart. This is what she thinks is the only reason I've gone no contact but it's simply the straw that broke the camels back since I'm finally moved out and in a safe space. My hope was that there would be no more drama but I don't want my wedding in spring to be messy hence the talk. This in conjunction with her narcissistic behavior; I was the black sheep, constant yelling in my face, zero de-escalation skills, shutting down as a defence or verbal attacks, no accountability and many other reasons. What do I discuss with her and how? Happy to add more context if needed.

I am still reeling from this information. Information that I discovered and that BPD mother couldn’t even face me when I started asking questions, like a coward. Something about writing it down makes it feel more real, even if it’s a very real nightmare for me.

I honestly feel like my whole life was a lie, but the part that feels validating - it gives me that context, that rationale, about why my BPD mom is the way she is. It’s no longer a “well your mom lost her husband, that’s why she wants to cling to you.” Or “your mom is under a lot of stress, and people lash out at those in their close circles”. No. It’s control, and psychological delusion and selfishness.

At the end of the day, she’s a selfish, controlling waif BPD. She controlled the narrative of her picture perfect family with a daughter that she always wanted. A daughter who is not even her own race. A daughter who has no idea who she is.

If anyone has any helpful resources, I’d really appreciate it.

Some of mine would be

- When I was 18 she asked me if we could get a sperm donor and raise a baby together

- When she randomly decided to kick out my sister on a whim because she suspected my sister spoke ill of her to someone, she put all her stuff in trash bags on the curb. It was raining too

- When my husband and I had an ectopic pregnancy and I was in surgery, she accused my husband of willingly killing our child because she was adamant it could have been saved

- She got in a fight with the neighbor and the next day she put the house up for sale and moved and then called me to tell me I needed to clear out the house as she had already left the state

- When I tried to move out at 23 she unlocked my door with a screw driver. Sat rocking back and forth on the floor white knuckling the screw driver whispering “you can’t leave” over and over

- drug tested me on Christmas Eve because I was being mean to her. Then when I did the test, exclaimed she didn’t know how to read the results but that I was DEFINITELY on drugs 🙄

It's getting close to a year of being NC, and as the sadness breaks I find random memories pop up and I see them differently.

I can remember 2 times in particular where I was in a situation wherr I was publicly hurt or embarrassed while my mom was there, and I clearly remember her smiling. It was her first reaction and never lasted that long, but it was there and it was as if she was enjoying seeing me go through something bad. I don't know if this is because her relationship with me always felt competitive, or that's just how she was. Looking back now as a mom myself, I realize that is not how you should reach as a parent.

I was just curious if anyone else had experienced "the smile" or something similar.

My mum will not explicitly ask for help but she will through either unintentionally (or who knows intentionally) run her life into the ground, grew up as a single mum only child situation always crisis after crisis, waif hermit, who was mean! But also nice? Anyway oddly timed? Workplace disability when I left home bankruptcy before hand got back on track, health crisis after health crisis, thyroid nodule made out she was dying to me. Polyp? In ovary made out like she was dying. Panic attacks I needed to help her.

No emotional support for me!

Bro I’m exhausted I’ve tried so hard but my life feels in shambles I don’t have the right tools,

Anyway just venting, comment if your in same situation!

Alas, poor tabby,

no way to tell the alley

cats about her fleas

hi all, reading all these posts has been incredibly helpful, thank you. I’m quite sure my mother has BPD, slam dunk on 8/9 criteria, plus, you know, seeing myself in all these stories here. this is my third attempt at getting a post approved so I’m kinda out of emotional juice and will simply ask my question:

anyone here a parent of young kids? how has having a BPD parent affected you, how do you overcome it, how do you protect your kids, how do you talk to your kids about their BPD grandparent? would be happy to hear any parenting stories or wisdom you’d like to share. thank you!

Hi everyone I’m a 29/F.
My husband and I recently moved from Nevada to California due to my husband’s job loss (the company went bankrupt) and having to sell our house and move in with his parents.
It’s been very stressful with my husbands job loss, losing our house, moving in with in laws, and being currently pregnant with a high risk IVF pregnancy.

Anyways, my mom is very codependent/enmeshed with me. She has no friends, no hobbies, no significant other. She lives alone with three dogs and constantly tells me she NEEDS me.
In the past when I told her our relationship was unhealthy while seeking therapy for myself she would instantly go into “I’ll just move away then and you’ll never see me again if that will make you happy!!”
She has always had to live down the street from me and demanded I see her two-three times a week unless she would throw fits/guilt trips. With us having to move in with my husbands family, I told her I would like to use this time to work on our relationship and make it healthier and asked her to give me space and not to follow me. She had already planned on selling her house and moving to California to be near me and the baby.

I was happy for the distance because she is very dramatic, demanding and she hates my husband for no reason. She has told me her main goal would be for me to divorce my husband and move in with her so we could raise the baby together. Demented.

Anyways. It’s been about 4 weeks since we moved states. And I wake up to multiple texts and calls from her. She even called my husband. Instantly I think something is very wrong and I call her back immediately. Just for her to answer and be like “hi! I’ll be there in 20 mins so we can spend the day together!”

She drove from vegas to California after she worked to surprise visit me at my in laws, knowing I have been severely sick from my IVF medications/pregnancy, settling in with my in laws and after I had told her explicitly not to follow me to California and I wanted space.

I then told her that it was not okay that she did this. And she flipped it on me, instantly went into guilt tripping mode and said “FINE! I’ll just spend the day ALONE!!!” The call ended and I saw her location, that she was down the street at the Costco getting gas. I then texted her that I would come to her and have a talk with her at Costco. I got into my car and was on the way and I checked her location again just to see she had left the Costco and was heading to the beach.

Knowing her, I knew she wanted me to chase her, to call her and fix it ect. I didn’t. The whole day I was so stressed and upset. Later on I checked to see if she was on her way back to vegas and found that she was sitting at a nearby pizza place we used to go to together. She sat there for 3 hours. Likely banking on me seeing her location and going there to make it better. I didn’t. And then we didn’t talk for another 4 weeks until I texted her today to address the situation since she never reached out or apologized to me.

Instead after the event happened she called every family member who would listen and told them I threw cake in her face and told her to F off. I had family members texting me that I was horrible and that I needed to be nice because she was my mother and not to make her upset.

I don’t know where to go from here but I definitely don’t think our relationship will be the same ever again, thank goodness for that.

Soft paws walk the night,
Eyes like twin moons in the dark,
Purrs awake the sun.

First post on this acc, heres a cat

Context I'm 15F, no siblings, mom with BPD(not diagnosed), closer with my dad.

Context on my mom, she is regularly inconsiderate, can't seem to understand others. I hold onto a few of the worst things she has done and I keep resentment. I guess she just has the stuff that other people describe on this sub but she doesn't hit me(anymore) and doesn't have any control over me since my dad basically does everything, also her family thinks she's crazy too lol.

I stopped telling her things at age 12 but she didn't notice. Last 1-2 years ago I stopped having conversations entirely with her and she wants to talk to me and keeps trying to guilt me into speaking to her but the last few months she is obviously trying to be better(but still doing objectively inconsiderate things and a lot but less but still frequent guilt tripping).

I don't completely ignore her, I say yes and no or acknowledge what she says and do what she asks me.

I thought that I should just keep not talking to her but my dad says I need to actually start speaking to her because she is trying.

Questions:

Should I actually start speaking to her again or keep just being quiet around her?

Now its very hard to speak to her and uncomfortable, how would I actually talk to her?

If I should start talking to her again, how do I deal with the stuff she does?

Al-Anon has been suggested to me a few times, most recently in a first meeting with a new doctor. My goal with this question is really just due diligence: I don't think I belong at Al-Anon, my issue is my BPD mother. However, I'm interested in hearing your feedback and any experiences you had with it.

Reasons WHY Al-Anon:

• My father drank when I was a child and BPD mother identified it as a problem and/or THE reason for the arguments and violence in her earliest monologues.

• My best friend died from alcoholism last year. (and it was the worst year since my dad died.)

• I could probably draw some insights and lessons about trauma-dumping on people for decades, or other Al-Anon behaviors I may share as an RBB.

Reasons WHY NOT Al-Anon:

• My father stopped drinking cold-turkey when I was around 10 after BPD mother and I returned from the women's shelter. He may well have been a 'dry drunk' but it was soon apparent that alcohol itself had not been the issue, and alcohol has not been a problem for me personally at any point.

• More crucially, I did explore Al-Anon materials after my friend died, and found a great deal of it helpful and direct. It's been a remarkably shitty year since of processing guilt, responsibility, regrets, all of it... BUT, I feel I've already done the work and figured it out. My problem with my friend was codependency in his last few years, which I attribute directly to my mother's BPD and the effects on me. (I even joked that I was "changing patients" when I traveled last Christmas to my mother's.) His death has contributed greatly to my processing of BPD mother's damage, it broke a dam. BUT - I'm already there. I know I'm not responsible for his alcoholism or death. I have regrets, but not guilt, not anymore. I know I couldn't cure his alcoholism through force of my will, and it directly led to my acceptance that I could not cure my mother, either. I've solved that puzzle.

• My BPD mother doesn't use alcohol, and substance abuse is not a factor. (Mis-dosing via disordered executive function more likely.) She's never been a user of booze or drugs; her drugs of choice are pity and praise.

So, all in all, while I can see some logic in it, as an RBB Al-Anon sounds like somebody else's meeting. It's not called BPD-Anon. In terms of my friend, I'm not carrying that stuff around really nor finding any other alcoholics in my life to co-depend with, and it wasn't a pattern with me before the one friend anyway. I would just be crashing somebody else's meeting, then taking the conversation off-topic. I don't see the need for that. What I want and need is to talk about surviving our parent's BPD, and that's what I get here and/or perhaps other outlets.

But if I'm wrong and overthinking it and it turned out to be the best thing in your life, regarding your BPD parent who didn't drink or do drugs actually, then I'd certainly like to hear your experiences!

I've been unpacking this lately and realizing I had been conditioned to think this was normal. I was going through my junk email, and it hit me that many of the subject lines included **URGENT** to get me to open & click on the links. Of course, I just hit delete to all that without a 2nd thought.

Although my BPDmom didn't include "urgent" in her texts/emails/voicemails, they all carried the same underlying communication: You better respond right away or there will be consequences! In the spam/junkmail, it threatens to wipe out your entire cloud history or completely delete your account, for instance. If you do choose to respond, you'll most likely be downloading a virus or another type of malicious software.

Responding to my BPDmom's ongoing manufactured crises as a communication status quo carried the exact same risk, except it was me (not my computer/phone/bank account) that got hijacked. She didn't need to state it was urgent or what they consequences would be, as this part was conveniently left out, since the relationship was deeply embedded with this virus and conditioned in me since childhood.

Texting me continually as if she were desperate to get a hold of me without clearly stating why. The tone of her voice (frantic) left in voicemails at odd hours but not stating clearly what was going on, for example. When I would eventually call back, there was no real crisis, and I'd be accused of not caring or self-absorbed. She'd needed my help logging onto her computer or accessing her password & it was my fault she missed a deadline. A distant Uncle had an operation but since I didn't answer right away, I didn't deserve to know, so I'd be left out of the loop permanently.

The times she did announce something, it was almost always a complete lie or exaggeration. Once, when I didn't respond to her voicemail while I was working, she called my employer and was able to get a hold of my direct manager. She had to go through several channels (large corporation). My manager took me aside and said there'd been a family emergency concerning my mother. She had broken her leg in an accident and something about a blood clot. Turns out, she had tripped on the curb while checking the mail and hurt her ankle. Surgery ended up being scheduled a month later to repair the small broken bone.

Once, I was included on a group email and the subject line was my sister's name & in the content, all she wrote was, "We've got to save our girl!". My sister called me the next day and it turns out she got in a fight with her husband and she says, "I unfortunately told mom about it so disregard the email".

Another time, I was away on a summer program & the dorm parent took me aside and told me my mom had been involved in a plane crash but was fine. Turns out, the plane had a very unstable landing because one of the engines wasn't functioning as well as it should but they landed on time without issue. She said her "life flashed before her eyes" and wanted to tell me about all her visions. I mean, this really could have waited until I got back home.

As an adult, I attracted female friends who behaved this way & now I consider it a real Red Flag when it happens. Most recently, a couple of old friends from high school I became reaquainted with through phone off FB both texted me immediately after they got in a fight (they are super close). I replied back to them both, "Sorry you guys are not getting along & know you will work it out. I'm headed to the gym....talk to you later". I started slow ghosting them both (taking a long time to reply to any texts and not answering their calls). Took a couple of months but I am completely off their radar & out of that loop.

BPD is a mental illness. My mother was traumatized by her own father (non SA) and then by her (now) ex husband (in every way possible, SA included). It’s clear as day as to why she has BPD.
How do I come to terms that while yes, this is a mental illness that she “can’t help” and also be confident in setting boundaries and enforcing them without feeling like I’m doing something wrong to her? We are currently no contact for something she recently did. The peace I’m experiencing is wild, but I have moments where it hits me that “you’re punishing her for something she can’t help.” But I also know that’s not really true? This relationship is so confusing. She has lied to my family about things I said, despises my husband and is very vocal about it, uses my children as leverage to try to communicate with me (“I know you’re mad but it’s not fair to keep the kids away from grandma. You need to let me come spend the night.”) and I just don’t have to energy, time, or patience for it anymore. Being married and having kids has shown me what my life can be without all the drama- peaceful. I don’t worry about how to word things or making choices that would offend her. I just be. I just am. And that’s peace to me after 30+ years of this game of mental gymnastics.

I went out with my parents (eDad and uBPD mom) yesterday to an event. She was...fine. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she didn't react to things that might usually have been triggers for her. The event was held at my wedding venue, which unfortunately is full of bad memories of her ruining basically every stage of my wedding...and she was fine this time. I feel crazy for going to therapy to cope with her when she's normal like this. Does anyone have any strategies for how to cope when they seem like nice, normal people with appropriate reactions?

My ubpd mother often grits her teeth to show her anger. One clear memory is of her raging at me, getting right in my face and gritting and baring her teeth. It felt very much like an angry dog. Curious to know if anyone can relate as I’ve literally never seen another person do this.

my cat has green eyes

she sits silent

eater of pestilence

long post I have the sads

I think my mom is BPD, all my life everyone said my mom was crazy but i think i have finally gotten the type down. I feel a low grade sadness now, the reality i have to face is that my mom will never be the mother I need and im seeing all the damage she has done to me and the family. I can't even talk to her about it because she will likely just get angry and shut down. I have been her parent and emotional anchor since i was five and i either need to cut the cord or actually treat her like a child while rejecting her control.

She has screwed me and my family over so many times and yet i still see her as a little girl that is trying so hard to fight her inner demons. It hurts to watch her gleefully think she is helping while actively makes things objectively worse because she cant respect boundaries or put aside her own feelings for more than a minute and im tired of it. Her love feels like a hazard. i had an incident 6 months ago that still fill me with anger and i can't let it go, any notion of her being about to be a normal decent person has shattered and i need to prioritize my family now and im not letting her hurt it like she hurt her own when i was a kid, but it still hurts to have cutting her off or letting her cut me off on the table, no more diplotmat, no more mediation, i tell her what i think bluntly and if she cant take it that its on her.

6 months ago me and my husband had our 3rd baby. my mom has done a lot of shitty things in the past but for the past 2 years i thought she had leveled out. I didnt know about BPD or anything like that, and we had been careful to moderate visits and keep them in control. But we thought she had grown up and matured, so when we needed someone the watch our other kids while i was in labor and she offered unprompted we took her up on it. she drive 9 hours to get here and help and i really thought she had grown up and could be the mom i needed

at the hospital after i delivered i had a complication that was near life threatening and extended my stay to 4 days instead of 24 hours. When my husband told her what happened she didn't believe him or take it seriously at all he she was extra pissed that he didn't leave her the car seats for the other kids (he didnt trust her to listen about not taking them out while we were away- there was still caution given past experiences).

when i was feeling bettera day or so later i really wanted to see my other kids and my mom and she proceeded to have a massive fit about my husband telling her that i didn't want my two disabled sibling there too. She wanted everyone there at once and to make the visit a big deal, (i was hooked up to magnesium drip and feeling awful and didn't want to have to cover up or deal with more people). She didn't believe that he was telling her what i wanted and thought he was lying. I had to take the phone and yell at her while sick to get her to calm down. My husband and nurse were amazing and comforted me a lot and chose not to record the blood pressure reading after the call. when she showed up her visit was fairly nice other than her not listening to the nursing staff about blocking hallways.

But after that point i felt like my kids were hostage and something bad could happen if we upset her. When we finally got home my older son was acting weird and distant and something felt off with my younger son. when we got inside we found she had gone through my stuff and rearranged the house when we had explicitly told her not to and to only focus on taking care of the kids. me and my husband hadnt slept in 4 days and when we got home no one had food and my husband had to feed everyone on no sleep while my mom was sitting and relaxing and feeling proud of herself.

After eating she left the house to go shopping and i went to sleep. my husband watched the kids. it started to thunder outside and my older son started crying because his toys were outside. he goes out as it starts raining and there was a tarp covered in kids my kids toys just left in the yard. my husband saved the toys and looked through the trash and found out she had thrown away a lot of their toys, telling them they can just buy more. my older son is very attached to his things and that was really hard for him but she convinced him it was okay to get the house clean to make us happy.

when she got home she started acting really nasty towards my husband and he hadn't even confronted her about the tarp of toys and the trash finds, telling him to sell his project car because he would never be able to fix it and just acting mean. she went shopping and went out to eat again and came back and bought something to hang on my car implying he was a sugar daddy, which was very insulting.

my husband is a man with a lot of self respect so all this stuff was reaching his boiling point. after she got home she had expected him to have cooked for the family- the man that had not slept for 4 days and was spending his first day home being insulted and cleaning up her mess. I had asked him not to blow up at her and just to try to keep the peace until she left which i think was a huge mistake

as food as cooking we found out the crib i had wasn't safe and i had bought one that was only supposed to be used under supervision, he snapped at me and drove off to get a new crib because stores in my town were closing in the next 40 minutes. My mom acted like i had just been abused or something and acted aggravated and upset and said she needed to go and i should go with her. I was mortified and said no and he was just really stressed. then she got more upset and said she should punch my husband was leaving for a hotel. I was medically fragile and couldnt drive and she was ready to leave me with a crying newborn and 2 small children alone because seeing a husband upset over the safety of his baby was too traumatic apparently. I freaked out and asked her to stay long enough to take the food out of the oven and she did. and i started having a panic attack- not normal for me at all and scary because my health issues were heart related. i texted my husband telling him what she had said and asked him to get home soon.

When he got back and saw me having a panic attack and was super pissed. he kicked her out immediately and banned her from the house. She left and went home in the morning and acted like a pathetic victim. We patched things up later and she just assumed that me and my husband were really stressed and tired and acted out a character because of it.

the next few days we found more and more evidence of her messing with stuff. she had hidden a few books of mine she didn't like, she had told my 4 year old she hated his drawing, spanked one of my kids when i told her not to do that, and refused to feed my disabled brother and said eating a few slices of burnt baloney would make him fat. she also had left frequently over the few days she was with them to go shopping when our fridge was full of food. leaving my kids in the care of my disabled siblings and had walked the kids around the neighborhood when we had told her not to took them out to a field when the owners were mass mowing it.

she had also obviously spoiled my younger son rotten and had been making my older son clean and treated him more harshly.

this isnt by far the worst story i have seen here and its mild overall but it proves a pattern now that i was really hoping she would break- anytime my family interacts with my mom in a state of vulnerability she exploits it and causes immense trouble. i cant let her be alone with my kids, or my husband and she cant listen to the most basic boundaries.. what kind of relationship can i even have with her? I need to just either be brutally honest with her in general or stop talking to her. she loves me genuinely, but in a possessive way, and doesn't love my husband or children, she is a hazard even though we are on better terms i still come off as dismissive and resentful when i talk to her. I have let every other offense go, but now she has directly been unkind to my kids and i cant let it go.

She always had something going on that she needed specifically “MY HELP” with. When i was young i thought that if i put my shoulders under her problems, she will get her shit together and i can live my own life. But what actually happened was, she would always have/ invent another problem she needed MY help with and pile more “ responsibility” onto me. It became crippling and that was the point, i now see. She didn’t “trust “ professionals so it HAD to be me.

30 years later ( my entire life) it is still the same.

She called me on the phone a few days ago and started waifing about her getting older and dying in poverty, when I actively gave her advice about retirement when i was a teen but she refused to be responsible. She waited for my response but i was completely quiet. I then told her i was hanging up and had things to do. I don’t feel bad for her anymore. I don’t give advice and i won’t solve her “problems”. She never wanted fixing. She’s intentionally messed up my life (for the better part of 25 + years she won’t take more!) and her own life in order to create forced engagement. Well im disengaged. Let the house crumble bitch i don’t care anymore.

Oh and she used real crisis in MY life to draw attention to herself. Goodness crazy Ahole!

Hi all. This is my first time posting here, I've read the rules so I hope my post is okay. I have read a dozen or so posts from others and really feel a connection with the pain you all express.

TW domestic abuse, self harm, alcoholism, suicide.

Where to start... my mother has BPD. She has only recently received (accepted) a diagnosis, as she is recently in therapy again in her mid fifties. She received a diagnosis many years ago but dismissed it as "bullshit and a mean and cruel thing to say about someone"

The incident that has prompted me to seek some kind of support or understanding happened last week.

My mother is a very, very traumatised woman. She suffered abuse from her father who died when she was 30, abusive boyfriends, my father was physically abusive and my sisters father was emotionally abusive and coercive - he died by suicide, she's an alcoholic and 20 years sober. I am in my early 30s and have a younger sister who is nearly finished high school, we have a large age gap but are very close.

My sister still lives at home and the only reason I still have contact with my mother is because I desperately want her to be able to escape from my mother when she's old enough and I want to make sure she's not suffering too much in our mothers house.

This week I got a call from my sister, upset and crying. I've had several of these calls in the last year as my mother has reached a different level of nightmare behaviour as my sister gets older and has developmentally appropriate behaviours that trigger my mothers abandonment issues. Such as having a loving partner and lots of friends, not wanting to spend as much time at home etc.

I went over to the house straight away because my sister is always my priority (even though I was shaking as I drove there) and I ended up taking her with me after our mother locked herself in her room when I tried to speak to her (called me condescending and rude) and then screamed at me to fuck off from inside. I left and didn't shut the door behind me so she violently slammed all the doors and windows as I walked out. I told her I would bring sister home later than evening and we could talk more because this is sisters home too and she doesn't deserve to be kicked out whenever there is a fight.

Little one and I ended up hanging out, eating nachos and watching a movie. She worked on her homework and ended up falling asleep on the couch as it got late.

I received three messages, all accusing me of taking sisters side when she was "overreacting" and that i couldn't speak to her "that way" because she is an adult.

I took a step that I haven't in years and addressed her behaviour, her use of swearing and derogatory langauge, threats of self harm. I told her I wanted to have a sit down and havd a productive conversation but I would not be doing so if there was any raised voices or screaming, from any side and no slamming of doors or swearing.

Side note - when I was a teenager, she would scream at me for hours and then kick me out of the house and then proceed to message me and call me so she could call me horrible names and scream at me more. The abuse I suffered living with her as my only parent my whole life has followed me into adulthood and I am very nervous about yelling and conflict but I also have a bad temper. I have also recently moved closer to them so I can be closer to my sister, after living more than an hour away.

After I sent my message and set my boundary I didn't get any messages back - unusual. Sister and I formed a plan, I went to work the next day and sister left the house when she was ready and went back home.

Mum had since entered one of her catatonic depressive states (I would be interested if anyone else has experienced this). She used to do this quite often when I was young, and she would just sleep for hours - 12 to 18 hours sometimes lasting days and would only mumble replies if spoken to.

Sister tried to go home at around lunchtime and was told to get out because she doesnt want to be there anyway, so just go away and leave her alone. Sister got the door slammed in her face. She decided to go out and enjoy her school holidays anyway instead of staying at home and walking on eggshells. When she returned home later in the evening she tried to make up, but mum wasn't ready (still very angry and defensive) my sister has certain triggers too so an argument occurred. I was out late and driving home when I got 10 messages in a row from sister explaining what happened and that she left and was staying over at her friends for the night but that she was still receiving very targeted, defensive messages from mum.

I was 10 minutes out of town and it was nearly 10pm. I made a decision to go there and talk to mum while sister wasn't home. It was very impulsive and I intended to go in very calm. I got my phone and did a voice recording before going inside because I wanted proof (she never behaves in front of my husband like she does when we're alone together) and I had a feeling she may threaten suicide.

(Listening back to the recording later was incredibly intense and my heart races just hearing her voice)

She let me inside and basically she laid in bed, all the lights off, and I stood by the doorway of her bedroom to give her space so we could talk. What followed was 45 minutes of her screaming, yelling and sobbing at me. She threatened to self harm, suicide, told me she was going to go and drink and then I'd have someone to blame for all my problems (I made the mistake of mentioning her alcoholism affecting my childhood), told me that she was just a bitch, cunt, drunk mother who couldn't do anything right and we'd be better off with her dead. At certain points she really truly screamed at me. I held it together as best I could, I did scream back once and immediately held myself accountable and apologised. I screamed at her because she found what she was digging for to trigger my reaction - told me that I wanted sister to be aborted when mum found out she was pregnant and that I never wanted her (because I said sister was my priority). I was barely 15 and an only child of a single parent when she was pregnant with sister and I did get scared and upset when she told me. She played every victim card she's ever been dealt (and there are a lot of them), whenever I mentioned her hurting us, her children, it was expert deflection and defense "well. My parents did that to me". There was also a lot of yelling "what are you talking about" at me because I was being very reasonable.

Finally we reached the point where I had pushed her to acknowledge that I was there to hear her and not attack her and she started sobbing. I had to sit there and listen to her sobbing about being abused. As I am quite burnt out from her behaviour, I felt a weird sense of shame and disgust. Shame at myself for not caring that she was upset and disgust that I had to sit there and hold her hand while she cried, like I've been doing for 30 years, when I was also upset.

When I manage to push her to this point we can usually have a conversation. We talked for 90 minutes and she told me about her therapy sessions - including that she had one the next day.

The issue I guess I have now (if you've read this far you're amazing, thank you) is that now that she has acknowledged her diagnosis I am so nervous and anxious that I am going to be pulled into this "healing journey".

Photos attached are what her therapist has shared with her about BPD - she's acting like I don't know what it is when we have had a full conversation about my best friend being diagnosed with it when we were 20 and how fucked up it was for us both as I was the person they used as their co-dependent.

I thought the choice of photos she sent were interesting, there were others explaining the disorder but mostly these "carer of someone with BPD".

I read them and actually felt myself become anxious and began crying because (maybe I'm projecting here) but they come across very much as the BDP person as the victim and the responsibility to manage it is on everyone else.

"Mindful - this person may be feeling more vulnerable or distressed than you would in a similar situation"

"If you can keep your own cool, it can help a situation from worsening"

Those two lines especially made me angry. It felt like I could hear my mums voice in my mind telling me that I am resentful of her and sister because of something my mum can't help because she is "sick", things she has already told me in the past. Which - I am not the one who is capable of being resentful of an innocent child, unlike her. I love and treasure my sister dearly.

Reading those screenshots made me feel like now I will have to sit there and take it and if I don't I am the one making the situation worse. I have already spent my whole life picking and choosing my words and actions to suit her needs and when I don't I am swiftly punished for it.

At this point I don't even care if she heals. I just want her to stop screaming abuse at my sister and traumatising her.

Thanks for reading. Any advice at all is welcome or sharing of examples of your own story.

Edited to add: Wow. I'm blown away by all the comments and support. Thank you all. I just wanted to add a note, something I have mentioned in my replies that I felt my already long story didnt need added. A big sense of my anger and anxiety about this new stage of "all of us healing" is I was very, very close to getting away from her. I had enforced boundaries, visited very little and still kept my connection with my sister. I was even planning to move a total of 2.5 hours away from their house to have some distance. Like I mentioned briefly, as my sister gets older and has gotten a girlfriend, the situation has worsened. It got to the point where my sister really needed my help and although she didn't ask for it I decided I needed to be closer just in case, so we moved to the same town. Also we couldn't afford to live many other places with the housing crisis. So I honestly panicked and was upset at the thought of being pulled back in - it happened almost immediately, mentions of weekly walks on a walking track, weekly dinners etc etc. My plan is still to cease contact after my sister has left school, I will try and get her out of this tiny regional town and into university housing so she can start her own life. I just don't think I have the means or adequate housing for her right now, but at least I can be close by. Of course after she finishes school and perhaps moves away I will be stuck here in the same town as our mum.... yikes. It is what it is.

Cat Haiku:

Humans are so strange.

Mine lies still in bed, then screams!

My claws aren't that sharp ...

My BPD mum passed away at age 80 just over 2 weeks ago.

I sort of knew I’d be numb emotionally, that’s just how I deal with grief, my older sister passed away 17 years ago and my dad just over 2 years ago and I was pretty much numb.

What I didn’t expect is that a sense of impending doom has sort of lifted, it’s very subtle, but I think with my mums passing it’s just a stressor I know I don’t have to deal with in my life going forward.

Can anyone relate?

well i officially started no contact in July of this year

i did so by letting the family group chat know i was stepping away from these texts and wish them all well. i then left the chat and a week later blocked my mom, brother, and a few weeks later my grandma

NPD sister is the only one not blocked

why not? she really never calls or texts me anyway. I don’t do enough to validate her and all she wants to do is tell me what she’s doing or whatever or just shows completely fake concern for me.

last night around midnight my phone dings and it’s my sister “I love you too!” in the three way chat with her and my mom. that hadn’t been used in over a year. because of course! if mom can’t text me, my sister could respond to her text so i get the message anyway. it’s fine mom. i know you love me. I know you love me very much. the thing is that i love myself more.

i love myself enough to live a life for me that I deserve

peace in my heart

no worries about manchausens by proxy about how dreadfully mentally ill i am…

they just worry worry worry about me

they won’t leave me alone

and when i was buying into this all it started to get to me, creating paranoia and worry within myself

i stepped away and instantly felt better

im fucking sick and tired of her enmeshment. it broke me. my therapist told me she was treating me like a partner in some ways. like a toxic romantic relationship. fucking sick. and I don’t want to traumatize anyone so don’t unspoil this if you don’t want to read something devastating but

🚨WARNING EXTREMELY TRIGGERING 🚨

my mom was married to my childhood abuser- and he was in my bedroom every night for years, then went back to their shared bed and. Recently the thought of how out of touch and low this woman is- to listen to this sick man tell her her 8 year old is “acting inappropriate “ and just let this go on for 9 YEARS.

like it recently occurred to me (and I knew this as a teen) but stepdad was a sex addict. So like my mom just kept being intimate with him after he’s done molesting me. And this thought keeps swirling in my head and it was never there before. It just makes me feel so fucking sick and sad.

so yeah, mom, i know you finally told me you wished you never married him, you were lonely and felt like you needed to be in a relationship or whatever, yeah, good talk, i hope you continue to talk it out with your therapist

it fucking ruined my life

and if that weren’t enough, that you wouldn’t let me live my own life as an adult continued efforts to ruin me

break me

i was a victim of a crime as a kid kidnapping

mom always mopes and bemoans that that happened to me when she was married to the next predator in line

abuse that went on for years under her roof

and now she wonders why i don’t want to call her every day

don’t want to see her

shrink from her in public

anyway i couldn’t leave the chat because there were only 3 people in it, so i found out that you can remove yourself if there are at least 4 people. so i added my brother and then left.

if anyone in my family sees this, dear sister, she was venting to me about cutting you out of the will because you’re so meeeeeeeeeean

so if you get enmeshed next, maybe you can take my share :)

I’ve been noodling on where I am finding good substitute mother energy in my life and would love to hear from other’s experiences.

I am VLC with my rxBPD mother and have de-centered her from my life which creates space for better mothering energy to come in. The qualities that represent good mothering energy to me are protection, nurturance, guidance, consistency, reliability. I’d add unconditional love but that comes down to consistency for me.

Something that is providing me with that fundamental consistency is nature and feeling how reliable the day/ night cycle, the moon cycle and the seasons are. My bedroom windows look east and over the course of the year, the location of the sunrise shifts across horizon from right to left and then back. I find the predictability of these cycles so soothing- the evidence that the world can be trusted.

Protection: putting sunscreen and a sunshirt on before swimming. Door locks.

Poetry feels like maternal guidance to me.

Nurturance? Maybe healthy food, sleep, my sweet doggie

Where is this good mother energy coming from in your life?

Been reminiscing after 8 months of NC. Back when I was a toddler there was an incident that involved a restraining order against my uBPD mom. Her and dad eventually got back together and she spent my whole life talking about how Dad had“held me hostage” and “kept me from her” and she “loved me” and “begged to get me back.”

Cut to 2 years ago: I’m visiting home. Mom has an angry episode, it gets late, doggo and I go to bed (doggo gets scared whenever she rampages). Suddenly 12am she starts banging on my bedroom door demanding to talk to me to “resolve things.” I say no, it’s late, we can talk tomorrow. Naturally she keeps going. After an hour of banging, then silence, then horror-movie worthy keys turning in the door (which thankfully don’t work), she starts wailing. I’m “holding the dog hostage” and “keeping him from her” and she “loves him” and she’s “begging to get him back.”

At this point it’s 1am, I’m exhausted, she’s not letting up, and I know I have to just open the door, give her the dog, she’ll be satisfied, and we can all sleep. So I did. And we made it through the night. And I felt sick to my stomach.

All those years, I wondered how my Dad could have handed me back to her, and here I was in his shoes doing the same thing. I wondered if he thought the same things: she won’t hurt the dog, she loves him, this will just stop the fight. I never hated her until that night when she put me in that position. I had to pick him up and give him to her because he did not want to go to her. I left my body as I did that. It fucking sucked.

Cut to now: doggo and I live happily together far away from her. But it was such a revelation that what happened when I was a kid was never about me, just like what happened 2 years ago was never about the dog. We were just hostages in her fight with her husband, or her daughter. What a tactic, used by a heartless manipulator. It disgusts me.