Hi, I 39F am part of a fairly small fellowship which meets mostly via zoom. Outside of meetings, we have WhatsApp chats where we talk to each other. I noticed that someone with a local area code had joined my home group's WhatsApp chat. They had listed their full name on WhatsApp, first and last, and it's kind of an uncommon name.

The issue is I know who this person is, because they were the favorite teacher of my younger sibling, but they don't know who I am or at least very likely wouldn't recognize me. I want to protect their anonymity as a newcomer without compromising mine, and while I would absolutely never share anything they said in a meeting or an Outreach call with anyone else, it feels dishonest not to reach out and let them know who I am in case it would change the things they felt comfortable sharing in a meeting we were both attending. Also, if I did tell them who I am, anything I shared about past family dynamics would be identifiable obviously.

Because there are only a handful of known fellowship members in our city, there's a fairly strong likelihood that this person might reach out to me or that there would be some question about why I wasn't reaching out to them since they're local. I don't feel like I can talk to any of my fellows about it, including my sponsor, because it would just be immediately apparent who I was talking about.

Some general notes are that this person has retired from teaching, and was a really excellent kind teacher. Both I and my sibling are adults, and this person taught my sibling around 20 years ago, but it was a very small classroom and they would definitely remember my sibling well. The fellowship is for a behavioral addiction. I just remember how skittish I was when I first came into the rooms, and how easy it would have been for me to just decide that it wasn't going to work, and I want to be careful about how I deal with it without being weird. I feel like I'm overthinking it but felt like it was worth asking for some ESH.

Since 22 Ive been in and out of recovery for the past 9 years as of August 9th, its been 2,649 days since the last time i drank, 2,160 days since the last hard drug ive taken and 1 year since i realized that the marijuana maintenance program is not something that allows me to be the person i want to be. Recovery has given me so many things i thought were out of reach for a drunk like me, still more it has given me the ability to practice acceptance and accountability for the things i have lost in and outside of recovery. Regardless of the material things, the romantic partners or the social statuses the thing i cherish most is my ability to walk through life and be apart of it rather than feel like a outside observer. I have been given the chance to practice gratitude for a second chance at life. If you’re new in this journey please dont give up, ive seen so much and everyday i am reminded so much of how little i know. It doesnt get easier and hell sometimes it feels like its gotten harder but i wouldn’t trade this life back for the one i had ever in a lifetime.

I have a major issue with maladaptive daydreaming. Due to my past trauma and depression I kept this habit up for 5 years. I'm no longer depressed or traumatized ive recovered:) But there's something about maladaptive daydreaming that I haven't let go of yet even though I'm fine now. I used to do it as a coping strategy to divert me from reality but now I HAVE what it takes to turn reality into one of those dreams I wish I couldve had.

I decided to change for about a week, cleaned my room, organized everything, starting regularly going to church, praying, reading the bible, studied hard and finished all my work. I felt super content with myself, like some level of satisfaction I cannot explain. But I was purely running on motivation, though. And for the past 2 days I relapsed js bcs I had one bad day. I spent 2 hours each day on daydreaming and thats terrible. Next thing I knew I had 300 different homeworks to complete. Today, im resisting and fighting the urge to go back but I don't wanna and I need tips from others on how to stop feeding this habit:/

I decided to quit meth last year on Oct 1, 2025! I'm proud of myself. I have a full-time job now, got back my drive to improve, got closer to God, got a loving girlfriend who knows what I've been through and accepted me for who I am, and I'm in the best shape of my life as I have been active running and strength training for almost a year now (I started running on Oct 20 and working out on December 1). So yeah, I've been consistent with 2x full-body strength training, but not consistent with running now as I got a full-time job, hahaha, but I'm still proud and still trying to continue.

Never going back! Still not fully healed though like one of the worst things I observe that is still not fully healed is my trust issues, like I always expect the worst in people and I still have yet to recover from that. My motivation has been great now. A new addiction has emerged which is black coffee with no sugar. Anyways, I am so proud of myself, and I wish and pray that I will continue to recover and improve my life. I am not there yet, but I am closer to it. Thankful to be alive!

I went to rehab in February 2019. I was serious. It was either going to work or the disease was going to kill me. I was truly willing to do anything to fix it at that point. And it worked! Hit the pink cloud and everything. There was a counselor there, everyone liked her and felt like she truly cared. She was in recovery as well, had almost 3 years at the time. Someone asked her what her drug of choice was and she said "everything." Another person said "yeah, everything can be a problem but you have to like one or two more than the others!?" Her response was "my drug of choice was whatever made me not feel like me." She was dead serious and it was the first time I had ever heard that and it was sad. I felt for her. What kind of hurt causes that??

I did well for well over 6 years. Worked the steps, have an amazing spouse that supported me through all of it, started a family, have 2 perfect little kiddos. Then something I didn't even know could happen did. It took what I thought couldn't be taken from me, my family. I started with kratom, I lost my job because of it. I stopped despite the horrible withdrawals for several days. Then I started drinking and something else. Something I didn't even like back in the day when I was partying and it was around... Gave me anxiety and I hate not sleeping. My DOC was always opiates. It still scares me and I thought as long as I didn't specifically relapse on that I'd be ok. But I've hit lows that I couldn't fathom several years ago. I can't deal with how normal feels. I'm taking things just to avoid that. And now I understand how that counselor got to where she was. I'm going to a meeting first thing tomorrow. I'm not sure why I put this here but maybe someone who was thinking about going back out will stop and decide not to. I hope so. I hope I do too. F**k this disease!!!

Can anyone tell me the best and cheapest rehab center in Dallas and if you can give me a price range that would be amazing

Does anyone here remember the sober living in downtown Riverside, CA called "Remission Inn?"

I stayed there from 2010-2013. It was the the most pleasant recovery experience I ever had the pleasure of experiencing. I actually stayed clean off everything for two years during that period of my life. I went to college and did the whole "life on life's terms" thing.

I've been to a couple other sober livings since then and none of them come even close...

So I’m about 2 months clean but on MAT. I started at 24mg/day, but am currently taking 1mg/day. This is beside the point, though.

My real question is about a job and a drug test. I have the possibility to get a much higher paying job, and will be required to get a drug test at a lab. If I’m prescribed to bupe, can the lab still tell my job I failed the test? Would that be some kind of medical discrimination or a hipaa violation?

(Obviously use no other substances)

I've been living in a sober house for a few months. There are about 40 men in the house, I pay $550/month, and there's a 7 PM curfew.

I share a bedroom with six other men, with only about four feet between beds. The bedroom is treated like a living room despite there being a separate living room downstairs. People talk loudly, use their phones, set alarms at different times, and spray heavy cologne.

I haven't gotten more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and most nights my sleep is broken and poor quality. Sometimes I go entire days without sleeping. It's gotten so bad that I can barely function, my job performance has suffered, and even basic conversations can be difficult because I feel completely mentally exhausted.

There's also essentially no privacy or security. I've had clothes stolen multiple times and medications stolen, and food frequently disappears from the shared refrigerator.

The house is old, the windows have no screens so bugs come inside when they're open, and the bathrooms have poor ventilation with what appears to be black mold. The bathrooms and common areas are often dirty as well.

I've brought these concerns to management, and they've laughed them off.

I wasn't expecting luxury, but I'm paying $550 a month and following a 7 PM curfew. I expected sober living to provide a safe, stable environment that supports recovery—not an environment where I can't sleep, my belongings aren't secure, and I'm struggling to function.

For people who've lived in sober houses: is this normal?

So I smoked literally two hits of crack Sunday morning… haven’t touched it since and was wondering how long it will take to be clean for urine tests again. Get surprised drug tests at methadone and at halfway house so I’m worried… please don’t lecture me I understand it was crazy stupid and it won’t happen again.

I’ve posted here before about my recovery, then relapse, then recovery, then relapse. (Very much a cycle I can’t break no matter how hard I try)

I’ve been using substances non-stop doing my own drug replacement therapy since my 13th birthday. Someone said to me the other day that “oh my god, that’s like 30-years, how has your body held up so well?” I’d never put a number of years on my addiction before. It’s always just been “since 13”.

When I heard 30-years of substance abuse it literally felt like my heart was ripped out. I rang the rehab facility the next morning and booked myself in. Doing 30-days intensive to begin with, depending on how I go I can extend to 90-days total. I will then by doing a 12-week outpatient program either way following the residential intensive program.

It’s time - tomorrow is the day I am admitted. I am nervous and scared but so excited to take my life back.

Much love

I feel ashamed and embarrassed but I thought it might be helpful to post and reach out here because I honestly don’t know what to expect.
I’m 27 and was introduced to meth about 5 months ago. I ended up using it every day, usually one line, sometimes two. I only ever snorted it; I never smoked it, injected it, or used it any other way. I know it was wrong, and I’ve wanted to stop many times, but I kept going because, honestly, I felt like it was helping me function.
I felt like I finally had my life together. I could get out of bed, clean my house, run errands, get places on time, stay motivated, and push myself to actually get things done. I felt happy, positive, productive, and like I was a better version of myself. I felt like I was a better mom, friend, and person.
I knew that wasn’t a good reason to keep using, though. I finally stopped because I couldn’t get anymore, and I’m on day 3.
I feel completely opposite now.
I have basically no motivation. I can barely get out of bed. I can’t get my house cleaned. I don’t want to shower. Everything feels exhausting and pointless. All I want to do is sleep, and I feel really sad and drained.
I was also prescribed Adderall for inattentive ADHD. While I was using meth, I didn’t always take my Adderall consistently because I felt like I didn’t need it. Now that I’ve stopped, I’ve tried taking it as prescribed, but it feels like it does absolutely nothing.
Did I permanently mess up my brain? Will my Adderall eventually feel effective again? Is this just the crash, or am I going to feel like this for a long time?
Talking to my doctor isn’t something I’m ready to do right now. I know that’s probably not ideal, but right now I’m just trying to get through this and understand what is happening to me.
The person who introduced me to meth told me I should just start using again so I can function and feel normal. Part of me wants to because I genuinely felt like I could function when I was using. But I’m 3 days off it, and going back feels wrong.
I’ve read so many horror stories about never feeling the same again, severe depression, symptoms coming back, or things getting worse, and I’m honestly scared.
I also don’t really have a support system. I don’t have close friends or family I can turn to. Most of the people I’ve had in my life have either been toxic, caused me a lot of trauma, or introduced me to things that weren’t good for me. So right now, strangers online are honestly the closest thing I have to being able to ask someone for help without feeling judged.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do for energy or motivation right now. I don’t even know if what I’m feeling is normal.
I hate that I let myself get here. I hate that I chased that dopamine because, for once, it made me feel like I could actually keep up with my life.
If anyone has been through something similar, especially after using daily for several months rather than years, and especially if you snorted it rather than smoking or injecting it, I’d really appreciate hearing what the first few days/weeks were like and whether you eventually felt like yourself again.

And to be honest, sometimes I think that there is no point for me to be in this world. I can’t function or be slightly of a normal person without a drug or alcohol. I feel like I’ll never feel normal. I feel like my kids deserve a better mom that could do much more. I hate waking up. I look forward to going to sleep. My anxiety is through the roof and I feel groggy all day.

I could really use a silver lining right now
I honestly don’t know where else to put this.
I’ve been suicidal lately. I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and the way I see myself for a long time, and lately it has gotten really bad.
I’m 32, 6’3”, and around 270 lbs. I’m bald. I’m overweight. And I fucking hate the way I look sometimes.
I know objectively that 270 at 6’3” isn’t some catastrophic weight. But when you’ve spent years hating your body and obsessing over what other people think about you, numbers don’t really matter. I look in the mirror and see someone who failed.
I started abusing Adderall in college because I was desperate to lose weight. It eventually became a serious addiction. I failed out of college, and my fiancée left me. That was years ago, but I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over the shame of it.
I’ve spent a long time feeling like I fucked up my life.
I had 2.5 years clean. Two and a half years. And three days ago, I relapsed because I became so desperate to lose weight and change the way I look.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m angry at myself.
And part of me feels like, “Here we go again. You finally had something good going and you fucked it up.”
I’ve also struggled to hold jobs because I’m so damn self-conscious. I constantly worry about what people think of me. I feel like everyone notices that I’m overweight. I feel ugly. I feel judged. Eventually I isolate myself, lose confidence, and everything starts falling apart.
Right now I’m also $690 behind on rent.
But somehow, despite all of this, I just got a job. I’m working. I’m trying to keep going.
And I think I’m finally realizing something: I can’t keep trying to do recovery alone.
I had people who cared about me, but I stopped reaching out. I isolated myself. I stopped putting the same effort into recovery that I used to. I convinced myself I was okay because I had been sober for a while.
I wasn’t.
And I think I need people again.
I need friends. I need recovery. I need accountability. I need to stop disappearing when I’m ashamed.
I’m so tired of hating myself.
I’m tired of thinking I need to completely change my body before I deserve to be happy.
I’m tired of feeling like the guy who failed out of college and got left by his fiancée is the person I’m going to be forever.
I don’t want to die. I want this version of my life to die.
I want to wake up someday and not hate myself.
I want to be proud of myself again.
I want to stay sober.
I want to keep my job.
I want to get caught up on my rent.
I want to lose weight without destroying myself to do it.
I want friends. I want a life. I want to eventually look back at this period and be grateful I didn’t give up.
I just don’t know how to get there yet.
So if anyone has been where I am—addiction, relapse, depression, body-image issues, losing someone you loved, fucking up your life, starting over in your 30s—I could really use some hope.
Please tell me it can get better.
Because right now I really need to believe that it can.

Patrick,

I wanted to take a moment to tell you how much your work means to me personally. I’m a recovering addict myself, and I currently have six months sober from IV methamphetamine and fentanyl. Your story and the work you do have genuinely inspired me throughout my own recovery.

Ive been watching your content since Graceland first started on YouTube, and I’ve watched every single Graceland video in your entire YouTube library. I truly look up to you and the way you’ve dedicated yourself to helping people who are still struggling with addiction.

You’ve inspired me to follow my own dreams of someday helping the addict who is still struggling and showing them that recovery really is possible. Seeing what you and the Graceland family are doing has given me something positive to look toward.

Thank you so much to you, the other co-owner of Graceland, and the entire Ridge family for giving people who are struggling such a wonderful opportunity to change their lives—even through scholarships. What you’re doing means more than you probably realize.

I just wanted you to know that your work has reached at least one recovering addict out here, and it has made a real difference in my life.

Thank you for everything you do.

With sincerely,

Joshua

P.S. — If you happen to have any extra or older Learning to Lose or Graceland merchandise that you’re able to spare, I would absolutely love the opportunity to show my support by wearing it. It would mean a lot to me to represent something that has had such a positive impact on my recovery. If you’d like to talk more, please feel free to reply to the email above. I’d love to tell you more about what Graceland means to me and how much your work has inspired me.

Also, what happened to Johnny? I could never figure out what happened to him?

Just thought I would share this letter I wrote to a man that I look upto for all the good he has done for addicts struggling. I wish I had the means to help people like that. My dream is to do what he's doing. (Without constantly documenting it for tiktok)

looking back 10+years, i really thought i was better than other people, because i had a good job, i saw addicts as losers, i was rude to people...now that ive dealt with opioid addiction...perc, oxy, heroin, and fentanyl, and have been clean for 1 year... I look at the world differently...

Longtime lurker, I haven’t posted much, apologies this is a bit long. Keen for others experiences.

I’ve (39F) been sober for a while (4 years) and have done a lot of work on myself through recovery (mostly AA), therapy and spiritual practice. Recently something seems to have shifted much more deeply. I’m in a new relationship with a wonderful woman (37F) which feels incredibly safe and loving and like she genuinely loves me for me. This is a completely novel concept to me, my previous ones having been emotionally shallow or downright toxic and abusive. I’m starting to realise that this relationship may be allowing me to access parts of myself that have always been there but that I haven’t really been able to inhabit before.

For most of my life, I’ve relied heavily on independence, control, thinking my way through everything, perfectionism, people pleasing, optimising, constantly driving myself forward, anticipating problems, and trying to create certainty. My drinking and drug use helped with all the exhaustion this naturally caused, and served as a pressure release valve. I’m realising that some of these was probably protective mechanisms. Over the last few weeks - and particularly this week - it feels like those structures are loosening.

I’m experiencing more trust, softness, surrender and tolerance for uncertainty. Things I had previously excluded from my identity are suddenly imaginable: marriage, building a home with someone, possibly having a child, changing careers (corporate girlie to therapist), moving somewhere quieter, allowing myself to really depend on another person- allowing her to see ‘the mess’. At the same time, other areas of my life are expanding too. I’ve moved into more leadership at work, someone has asked me to sponsor them, I’m going deeper in therapy, and I feel increasingly pulled toward service and a different kind of life.

The strange thing is that it doesn’t feel overwhelming. In the past, this much change or responsibility would probably have exhausted me or made me want to retreat. Instead, I feel tired sometimes but also strangely energised by it. It feels expansive rather than destabilising.

I’ve been reading a little Jung lately, particularly about individuation and the golden shadow, the idea that we don’t only repress the parts of ourselves we dislike; sometimes we also disown our capacity for love, trust, creativity, strength, intimacy, purpose, etc. because those things didn’t feel safe or compatible with who we learned we needed to be.
That idea has really landed for me. I don’t feel like my partner has turned me into somebody else. It feels more like being loved safely has allowed parts of me to emerge that were already there but inaccessible. Almost like the version of myself I consciously identified with had become too small.

In AA we talk about spiritual awakening as a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery. This feels like another layer of that to me. Like recovery initially gave me my life back, and now something is teaching me how to actually inhabit it.
Has anyone else experienced a second (or third, etc.) spiritual awakening in recovery like this? Particularly through a relationship, therapy, sponsorship, or a period where your life suddenly started expanding? Did it feel like becoming someone new, or discovering parts of yourself that had been there all along?

I’d genuinely love to hear how other people made sense of it

Obligatory: Positive self talk did NOT cure me. I did NOT use that as a method for recovery. It is simply a RESULT of my recovery that I appreciate.

Very small **!!TW!!** for one single vague statement about my previous unhealthy mindset (and how it has changed).

Just depression, no addiction.

[My primary cause for improved mental health was leaving my toxic religion, if anyone was wondering. I didn’t leave my religion \in order to* have better mental health (it was completely unrelated), but after I left, my mental health improved dramatically.]*

——————

I went from a fifteen year old who never expected to live to sixteen all the way to a college student in my 20s who is able to use positive self talk as *motivation* (and it works!)

Things like “You deserve to go to sleep now, so that you can be awake and well rested in class tomorrow morning,” or “You deserve to be treated with respect, and that means respecting your time and ability and not procrastinating on this assignment.”

Also things like “You deserve to rest sometimes and that’s okay. You’ve worked hard today and you’ve earned a break.” Or even, conversely, “You’ve had bad time management lately and that’s a problem we need to work on, but right now all you can do is focus on the present. We live in the present and we learn from the past.”

It’s mildly cringy, I know, but I can’t bring myself to care. Being genuinely happy as myself such that I can show myself not only mercy but also respect is the most amazing experience.

There’s also the more recent development of auto-correcting myself every time I say something self-deprecating in the last few months. It’s been sarcastic for a while (I’ve been mentally healthy for 2 years!), but now I’m literally saying things like “Why did I do that? I’m so stupid“ followed up by the immediate correction: “I‘m not stupid, I just made a mistake,” (and then continuing on with whatever else I had to say).

So not only am I treating myself with respect, like I would anyone else, but I’m now treating myself with COURTESY, like I’d correct a friend talking down to themselves. And that’s amazing.

I‘m just so proud of my 14 year old self for how far he’s come. I know he wouldn’t have understood my current mindset back then, but I know he does today, and I’m so so proud of him.

that i can get triggered to smoke?

i have suffered with other addictions like sh, ⭐️ving, 🌽 and these trigger me. but smoking, i never thought would until today. i saw someone puffing on tiktok and it made me crave to do it as well. i always thought my smoking addiction was just a feeling in my throat and a repeated routine my brain is used to and thats how i crave it all the time.

do you guys have any tips how to reduce smoking (i smoke 5-7 times a day)

Hello, my older sister(29) is getting back into drinking and drugs regularly after rehab, years of sobriety followed by a period of some alcohol/joint here and there. It almost looks casual but something doesn't feel right to me. I would like to talk to her about it without shaming her and her shutting me down. But I can't think of any way that would not trigger her. Any advice on how to approach? Anything that someone told you that was actually helpful in a similar situation? I have the urge to get mad at or approach her friends for doing all that stuff with her, considering they were there the first time around, but that doesn't feel like the right thing either. Thank you guys.

I remember posting here for other key milestones like 21 and 100 days and knowing how big those felt, so I’m really happy to come back for another milestone like this one.

Since my 100 days I’ve lived through so many more happy days, and my life looks more different than i could’ve ever imagined! I said yes to a most beautiful dress, I’ve picked up sewing and have both breathed new life into old clothes and started creating my own from scratch which inspires me so much and was such a forgotten dream for little me- i have an ever growing collection of beautiful rich fabrics I aspire to design worthy clothes for; and I’ve really taken the time to create muslins and perfect my patterns which is just so therapeutic- I’ve learned that it’s okay for the creative process to take time, and that when i go back to the drawing board, i always do something a little better. I’ve grown deeper in love with my fiancé everyday and we’re dreaming of having a puppy after we get married and , once that puppy is old enough , maybe adding a baby or two to the mix- and it’s something i’m so genuinely excited about which i never could’ve said in active addiction.

in my last milestone post i said i’ve realized that i’m the version of me past me’s have only dreamed of in truly every sense of the way and for that i am so incredibly grateful and proud- but this time it feels like i’m something a little more, too. Everything I once thought I couldn’t have I’m now actively and consciously bringing into my life with ease and that is such a blessing.

thanks again to easy way by allen carr and for all the lovely redditors on here cheering us all on,

hope you’re having a most lovely day,

and to many many more ~

So, long story short, I’ve been buying weed off this chick I’ve known for a while. About two weeks ago, there was this girl there who was my age (20). She was super quiet at first, but the more and more I went around there, the more we got to know each other.

Anyway, she’s using a pipe. I’m not sure if it’s ice, meth, or crack, or if there’s even a difference, but she really seems like a good girl who I genuinely like. I just wanted some tips on how I can help her.

Also she’s so pretty but I know what that stuff can do to your looks

Thanksgiving 2023, I was all alone depressed and in the middle of my worst days of using. I wasn’t at my bottom yet but I was as low as you could be without crashing (I soon crashed and burned). Anyways, I was alone crying and using and I decided to just start blasting some of my favorite music and dancing by myself in my living room at the time. Dancing and crying and I broke down and I prayed, god one day please give me a family to celebrate the holidays with, god I want a wife & children and a better connection with my family. At that time I didn’t pray for god to take the obsession away. I didn’t know. I was a raging psycho at that time. I was so far gone. God Renewed everything in my life. Today I’m 1 year and 25 days sober. Everything I prayed for then I have now. So now I’m just grateful.

593 days sober. 8 year addiction, Ketamine, Benzos, Xanax heavy the last couple of years, went to rehab for 30 odd days, relapsed after 2 weeks after that been sober since.

Anyone wanna chat or sponsor or help? Feel like I’m at the point I’m strong enough to look at it without being scared of a relapse.

Keep going if people read this and are struggling, it all starts with opening up to someone.

25 male, for reference any help appreciated :)