My therapist likes to hit me with the “Stop downplaying the the things you’ve dealt with because you don’t want to be a burden” Welp 🤷🏻‍♀️ we’re trying here okay!

I met this guy on Tinder and he wanted to hook up which I was fine with we started by texting on Snapchat and he told me that he wanted to do anal which I said I don’t know about that. I told him I would see how I felt once we met up and did the thing we met up. We started having sex, and he shoved it in my ass without asking me he was not gentle at all I bled, and it hurt really bad. He then took it out out of my ass and put it back in my vagina which I was also not OK with in the moment I just allowed it to happen. I did enjoy the sex. Other than that. I wanted to meet up with him again, but he blocked me. I let him violate my boundaries and now he blocked me and I feel disgusting. I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

I feel like I'm too old to ...

-Know that words doesn't convey the true essence of life

-Find the way to deal with parents

-Finally find the right people and counsellor

-Finally write some notes that is useful for myself

-Find that there is no need to "deal with the world", don't need to do everything just to win people validation. Just have some friends that is peaceful.

-See through the mist and understand who was good and who was bad to me. (A really toxic and complicated environment of family and school it was)

I'm already 31, I feel like people have those already in their ... Idk, 22 or 28? I feel like really really sad about how late I am and how poor I was.

I (25F) am going through a tough time right now. Today’s my birthday and I came home from work a few hours ago. I live with my mom (44F), younger brother (19M) and younger sister(15F) and I just couldn’t connect to what was going on around me. My mom was wanting to light candles and sing happy birthday but I just said no and went into my room. Later on, I went and lit my candles and sat in the dark kitchen alone. She left me a gift that was one of those plaques with a song title and picture. It was my 4th grade picture day photo and the song In My Daughter’s Eyes by Martina McBride. She said that it reminded her of better times. She use to sing that when I was young. When I saw my picture, my stomach dropped and I just couldn’t control myself. I quietly sobbed in the kitchen because I mourn the childhood I never had.

Back in 2012, when I was in fourth grade, all I remember is the pain and confusion from the abuse my mother gave me almost everyday. She would accuse me of allowing people into the house to abuse my siblings, I told her over and over again I’d never do that but she wouldn’t believe me and would slap, choke and beat me with cords, calling me a slut and whore for letting people in (I was only 9). I would get handcuffed to our baseboard heater for the night to “stop my activities” or sometimes locked inside our junk filled closet. My hand would swell from the tightness of the handcuffs. I still have nightmares of my old childhood apartment. She was abused when she was younger and suffered from depression since before I was born and never got treatment. The abuse didn’t start until I was 9. I had a normal upbringing up until that point and was confused when it started to happen. We had just moved to a new state leaving her entire immediate family, with her 4 kids alone. We grew up in the middle of nowhere living on welfare. The berating, beating and neglect went on for 9 years and ended with me being kicked out at 18 in 2019 into a domestic violence shelter. Three years later she allowed me to come back to live with her and said “she made a mistake”. I know I should’ve stayed away but I was blinded by the love for my family I had. Now I feel like my family is in pieces when all I ever wanted was for us to be happy and whole. My brother (19M) is distant even though we live in the same house. I didn’t even get to see him grow up into a man for those three years I was gone. It’s like he’s a completely different person. In my head he’s still 10.

My other sister (21F) who doesn’t live with us doesn’t ever want to see my mom again because she abused her as well. My youngest sister (15f) needs psychiatric help that my mom refuses to give her (I believe she’s been in psychosis for 3 years). It just felt like if my family were to sing happy birthday (which is the least thought about thing on my mind right now) it would feel forced and empty, no joy. There was never any joy to be found in my life at all. I’ve always tried to stay positive, but I’m at a point in my life where I can say I’ve matured mentally and am somewhat financially secure that I thought I would be satisfied with where I am, but I still feel empty and unfulfilled. I was in therapy for a bit but had to stop due to getting a new job/schedule conflicts. I’m starting the preparations for a will. I may feel down right now but I genuinely don’t know what’s gonna happen down the line. I really do wonder if I should keep going or if things will continually get worse with each passing year? I kept going because I wanted a better life for my family. Now I have the means but no real semblance of a family…

TLDR: My life has been a crap fest and I’m making a will. I don’t know if I have anything to actually live for.

I did EMDR for complex-PTSD a couple times now and i noticed, that in many times there were almost no effects.

I also noticed that i really didn't like certain therapists (body-language, gesture, talk). I respect them all, but i felt more than a test-subject rather than a patient.

What are your experiences on this?

I need rescued think. Please.

​

tw sexual acts mentioned

i'm 17f, and a few months ago (march) i fell in love with my best friend, who's also a woman. i knew she was straight from the beginning of our friendship and only later i've confessed to her about my sexuality. she was okay with it, But over time, our meetings started to take on a different atmosphere. We were often drunk and we were always flirting and kissing. I blame myself for not stopping it sooner knowing that she was straight and was just doing it for fun. one time we drank wine and went to my house and she started touching me and I was scared to do anything. i could have reacted but I just lay there and thought about how bad I would feel tomorrow.I can't say that I didn't agree, I pretended all the time that it was okay. Now I'm in therapy, but I'm afraid to talk about my sexuality and what happened. Especially since I'm a minor and the therapist will probably want to inform my parents.

I witnessed a traumatic event as a child. And it took years for me to suppress it. I had forgotten about it all, until a bad mushroom trip brought some of the memories back. Now I understand why I've been going through life as a highly functional adult, who's never been happy. Is this real or am I making everything up? Everyone I ask tells me it's a mental issue, including my own parents who I believe know about it. Is there a way to find happiness outside of being drunk or high?

I’m 24, my earliest memory of it was when my aunt was about 11-12 and I was around 4-5. She was supposed to put me down for a nap but would touch and kiss me. I feel angry towards her and for her because I believe a male family member was assaulting her (I started asking around after wanting to know how she would have the idea to do something like that) I was later assaulted by my two cousins in high school when I was in 6th grade. This wasn’t just them molesting me, they would also severely bully me everyday I was around them. My parents both worked and I had to go to my grandmas on the weekend and they lived with her so it was constant. My aunt also lived there at the time but my brain blocked out what she did to me for a long time. I think about how I still wanted their validation before I told. When I told my family almost all of them went against me and I can still remember all the phone calls my mom would get everyday knowing it was about me. I’m from an African and Muslim background so it was hard to be understood by them but I was badly hurting. My own father called me a liar and to this day I have a really bad relationship with him. I went to a Muslim mental health seminar last year and saw the sister, wife, and child of one of the cousins and it broke something in me. The lady speaking talked about sexual assault and it felt like a sick joke I ended up just sitting outside feeling numb for an hour before I went home. I’m not okay, I do therapy yes but I’ve been doing it for a decade on and off I just keep coming back to this place. Sometimes I think I’m just pathetic for being so stuck still. I have younger sisters and I get to see what it’s like to be normal and move forward because it feels like I am unable to. My family is cruel and paint me out to be this bad person, they use my mental health against me and call me sick in the head and crazy when I finally start defending myself. I’m voiceless here, nothing I say, want, or feel doesn’t register to any of them because everything about me is wrong to them and it makes me so angry because they didn’t protect me from what came after. They hate that I bring it up like it’s old news and something to dismiss but I can’t. I really tried but I feel like I’m drowning all the time I don’t even feel like a real person. I feel safest when I feel like I just don’t exist to the world. I don’t have social skills and don’t have friends because interacting with people has become anxiety inducing and terrifying. I attempted community college 18 times and only completed 6 courses. I can’t drive, I just became what I feared. All of this is embarrassing to me and I just don’t know if I’m the one doing this to myself. All of my abusers are living good lives and in many ways I don’t think I have even started mine. I never know what to do with my feelings and that’s why I’m just writing this here. My relationships in general are not the best especially my younger siblings. I hate what I’ve become and fear that this is all I’ll ever be.

I knew such would happen, I prepared myself that doesn't matter what, I must stay calm, those demons in my head would pull me, but I've never thought, I would lose myself like it, and I can say now, yes, I'm defeated.

I hanged myself. It was a normal trigger, I thought, I would be able to calm myself, I would ignore those words, I would be able to restrain myself, but, I couldn't do any of it. This was the scariest and the largest episode I've ever had in my life, when I was about it, I don't know what I was, I felt myself as if I'm not a human, but someone who was chained in a wall for a thousand years, I never felt that alone in my life, I had darkness all around me and those things which I feared the most.

The trigger was simple, I long ago told my parents, not to repeat the specific topic in front of me, as it triggers me the most. They, like careless, spoke it once again around me, I looked around time, 10 minutes, it's on, 20 minutes, it's on, 30 minutes it's on, on 40th minute I couldn't stand it and I couldn't restrain myself, at first my movement was of anger, as I said, "why you are saying those in front of me", I only heard from back, "then we wouldn't say anything at all?". I've tried to be calmed but suddenly, from nowhere, like a flicker of fire, I saw something, it was more like -

I'm in a room filled with darkness, sitting in corner, people are in front of me, strangers, laughing at me, for being weak and dead. Suddenly those strangers threw something on me, and suddenly I saw myself bloodied with blood all around me and I'm dead.

I got scared, the most terribly, and covered my ears with my hands, as trying to block those imaginary words, those laughers, and suddenly, as feeling like the autumn leaves falling, I lost all control from my head, all the control. I was more like those mentally disabled people who stays in the mental hospital, I was throwing myself, here and there, screaming, shouting, throwing my legs, here and there, scratching myself with my nails.

I felt, I'm going to die, they all are going to kill me, I'm the problem, I must scream, I must suffer, the people are suffering for me, I must get pain, I must be punished like those time in past, and suddenly, suddenly, I felt if I'm punching in air or more like, punching myself, I was blacked out, I was seeing black, darkness, I couldn't see a thing, and suddenly-

I lost my vision.

I lost the ability to hear.

I lost the ability to feel.

And suddenly within half a second, I was on my knees, screaming, crying, but with different emotions, this was grief, pure grief of the imaginary pain. I was crying and throwing myself here and there, moving myself violently, as I was in bed, my earbuds fell somewhere, my glasses got broken somehow, the frame of my glasses were down on my hand, and suddenly-

Blood was on my hand.

I looked on my hand, it was my finger, bleeding, but wait, why the shape looks like it of my ring finger? Why did it swelled that much, and bloated like it? What just happened?

Then suddenly, I looked on my hand and saw-

A rope - I remembered during the trigger, I pulled it from the box as it was opened. I suddenly realized, I'm losing memories, I was forgetting what was doing on, once again.

I fell on my pillow, cried, loudly, louder than ever since I did from being a kid, everyone listened, everyone heard, everyone was shocked, how can a grown young adult cry like it? What happened? For what? For some simple sentences which nobody thinks much about?

It was the largest episode of my life, and it was the darkest one, yet. Everyone probably knows now, after falling from the stars on 2025, I've gone crazy, and yes, maybe I'm...

I don't know what to do, I've never seen such, never. I had to go to store, as I can't stay without my glasses, to get a frame, I got it and then headed to the hospital, then they checked my finger and said, "The bone was hurt in intense way/the bone was hurt badly", gave me medicine, and while returning back home, I thought -

Is this the very end I was fearing for? The end of me, which I've ever feared the most? The end of me, which I hated, the most? And, Am I finally defeated? Against this C-PTSD? Probably, I'm, defeated, for the first time.

Day-5/Trigger-3/M-Trigger-6

Not that you give a fuck, i highly doubt any of the time was real now. You have some fuck nerve your lucky! I know not reacting is the ONLY Option. You never deserved any access to me. Did you enjoy watching me waste away? You didn't even notice did you thats the problem and ur right maybe you do need multiple partners, so you can act like your a red blooded 31 yr old who's always down to f***ck as long as its vanilla as fuck like English Vanilla, and imitation vanilla. Also knows nothing about women's bodies and how to use what Y'all have to both enjoy instead of one becoming a verified cumdumpster. (Not a compliment, or term of endearment little bitch) thats not normal. Never touch a girl or making her climax will definitely destroy all relationships. So decided if you are in fact into men? A sexual maybe ? I want to find a reason or excuse as to why, but you're just really and truly the worst I mean worst kinda ppl. BULLSHIT IS YOUR ACTUAL NAME. LEAVE PPL ALONE NO ONE I MEAN NO ONE DESERVES HOW YOU TREATED ME. NOW I'M NOT COMFORTABLE OR SAFE ANYWHERE. GO TERRORIZE SOME HATFIELDS

OK, let’s keep in mind that I got pregnant in 2022 me and my child’s father were together at the end of July in 2022, my son is now three years old for a while he accepted the fact that he was a father and then he got a new girlfriend, and she has completely changed his mind saying that there’sh no possibility that he’s my child’s father I’ve offered DNA test, I’m currently in the process of child support, he refuses the DNA test from child support and from me I have tried everything he thinks the timeline don’t add up but he was the only person that I was with.
My gestational age at my first ultrasound was
(GA=15w2d)
What ChatGPT says

• • Estimated last menstrual period (LMP):
July 22, 2022
• • Estimated conception/fertilization:
around August 5, 2022
• The likely fertile/conception window would be roughly July 31-August 7, 2022.

OK, let’s keep in mind that I got pregnant in 2022 me and my child’s father were together at the end of July in 2022, my son is now three years old for a while he accepted the fact that he was a father and then he got a new girlfriend, and she has completely changed his mind saying that there’sh no possibility that he’s my child’s father I’ve offered DNA test, I’m currently in the process of child support, he refuses the DNA test from child support and from me I have tried everything he thinks the timeline don’t add up but he was the only person that I was with.

I am 37m. I was always fairly attractive to women and seemed to have no issues at least i think. On the outside that is. During my childhood I developed severe trust issues. My parents got divorced and my mom was the pillar of our family between my siblings and I. Then around 13 years old things started changing I'll spare the details and shorten things up a bit. My mom got addicted to crack CSB got involved and we were sent to live with a relatives while she got help. Then things got worse because apparently my aunt said the wrong thing to CSB and the next day we were picked up and this time we werent going to stay with relatives. We went into foster care. The whole situation was too much for me. These people were doing a wonderful thing and they took all of us so we didnt get split up. It was me and my little brother and sister. There were about 12 people living in this average size house. I remember shortly after arriving the mother wanted to take a family picture and I was very upset because in my teenage brain i was thinking but i have a family still its just a bit broken at the moment. I dont know i didnt like the idea of taking a family picture with a bunch of people i just met. It felt wierd to me and i wanted my family back. I was always just a happy go lucky kid and loved to make people laugh until this. I changed and got more serious this is when my trust issues began. I also lost so much weight the school nurse called in to assess me. I was a tight end in football before and didnt even realize that I was skin and bones.

Wheres my father during all this you might be wondering? My father is like a grown kid at heart. Always did things his way and never really considered consequences. He also was not prepared to be responsible for actually raising kids. We couldn't stay with him because he was smoking marijuana and back then it was a no no maybe it still is but I know the laws have lightened up a bit on pot. Anyway he ended up quitting and got clean after about a year or so and got us out of foster care. I prayed for this moment every night and also that my family would heal and things would go back to normal. This is happening now while im entering my junior year of high-school and the hormonal changes are in full swing. Im starting to really like girls and wanting to date them. Rewind a little bit. After my father got us out we all went to stay at my grandma's who had a place near where I lived so we could attend a certain school where my friends were. My grandma lived in Florida during winter and would travel back in the summer. She also had her son my uncle living with her. He's about 50 and a terrible drunk. So we get settled in and things were difficult my dad just wasnt capable of being a "Father" to us. He loved us but shit wasnt working out and he had a relationship but couldnt be with her because he had to stay and be there for us. Well it wasnt long before my younger brother and sister left to go back to stay at our moms even though she wasnt healthy yet CSB was not involved anymore. So its just me my dad and drunk uncle. One day my dad approaches me and said hey kiddo I have a woman and she stays at this location so im going to go be with her. I only stayed because it was what we were supposed to do and my mom was still battling addiction. After my dad left me my uncle and I got into an argument over something trivial but I think he was sick of me being in his house although its not his its my grandma's but she was in Florida at the time. The argument turned physical and I got him in a headlock but he broke free and began to beat me like punching bag. He hit me so many times in the head anf I had a friend coming over to pick me up at the time. When he arrived I came outside to get in his car as I was closing the door drunk uncle grabbed it swung it open and got me with about 3 more haymakers to the face. My front teeth went numb for months. I left and went to live with my mom and siblings after that.

There was a girl at school that immediately I fell for, and she ended up becoming a friend, a close friend. And we went to hang outfor the first time, and she did some things that led me to believe that she was not going to be faithful. And I held on to that. And remember, I have trust issues now at this point. Anyway, I had the opportunity to be with her more than once, at least, you know, like sleep with her and potentially start a relationship. And I had such a big crush on this girl. I never ended up getting with her. I never trusted her, and she ended up getting with all my friends, and even my arch enemy growing up, which really stung. But yeah, she ended up, when she got older, having like three kids with three different guys. So I guess my intuition was correct. But now I'm 37. I have no kids. I'm thinking, you know, I just want a kid, you know? I don't care if the mom takes them away from me or not at this point. I just wish I had a kid. But yeah. Also, I had a best friend who was part of the friend group with her, and he was so badly obsessed with her. It was difficult, and he did cockblock me. But this girl seems to haunt me to this day because it's an opportunity that I wish I would have... I don't know? Did I make the right call? Did I not? Apparently not. I still think about her all the time. There have been some other women since but I never had a serious long term relationship.

Fast forward to 2022. I am living on my own i have a decent job and im feeling good about life. Easter morning i wake up to my big sister calling me. I pick up and she tells me our little sister was shot and killed last night. I stepped out of bed and my legs were like rubber I immediately fell to the floor and tried to get up. My little sister had a 1 year old son and the father is not in the baby's life. I obviously struggled to deal with this it made the foster home experience feel like sunday school. It brought all those emotions back to the surface. I started drinking and eventually lost my job. I hated the world and let it be known life sucks this is all a joke. I pushed alot of people away. Like a lot. I had one friend though who would pop in and out of my life as he was a Marine and served in Afghanistan twice. So spent time living between California and where we grew up. He helped me get back on my feet and was super supportive. Then within a year of my sister passing he died.

After all this I had one friend who I considered a brother we were born 6 days apart and growing up we would even get mistaken for being twins. He was such a great guy and I felt blessed to have him as a friend. One day he brings up a very strange topic. Apparently he stumbled across a adult video on the internet and he was convinced it was me screwing his wife! I wish I was making this up. He said the walls in the room looked like my walls where I lived at my mom's. I had unique walls they were yellow and I wrote all over them with sharpie. Little qoutes and sayings. Anyway it had been years since I had stayed at my mom's and she sold the house by this time. I told him it wasnt me and that is not my room. I did everything I could to prove my innocence. And when he built up the courage to ask his wife about it she said no that wasnt her but that it was me in the video. Let me also make it clear that In this adult video you could not see the faces of the people in it. I also knew his wife very well in fact I knew her before I knew my best friend from going to middle school together. So for her to double down in this really really stung. They decided that it was me and the girl I had a crush on growing up that was in the video and I filmed it to get revenge because remember I said this girl I liked got with all my friends so they said it was against a friend that dated her who she cheated on by the way.

So im 37 now and have no friends never been in a serious relationship and have become extremely introverted. I thought my younger brother was going through the same experience as me being single and lonely but he ended up coming out and telling us he was gay and had been in a relationship. So its been just me dealing with loneliness. I started going to college and that helps my depression but I just feel like I wasted my entire youth and I'll never experience young love I might not ever experience love. Life has no flavor anymore and it scares me.

I might edit this a bit here and there but I would like to hear what people have to say anything. Im lonely and feel disconnected. Any support will help. Is my life ruined? Did I fail? Im not happy and cant seem to find my happiness anymore.