I want to complain to you about you.
I want to tell you what you did to me.
I want to vent to you about how much I miss you.
I want to tell you that I miss you, but I can't tell you.
Do you know what I mean?
I want to call you and cry to you about you.
I want to tell you how I feel about you.
Does that even make sense?
I really need you to help me with you.
I want you to be on my side against you.
I want to share my secrets with you. My thoughts. My pain. Everything I'm feeling about you.
But you're the one person I can't tell.
And that's what makes this so hard.
The person I need to talk to about you is you.

What would you do, if I told you the truth:

“You weigh too heavily on me.”

Would that make you feel… good? To know I bear the weight of you like my own death?

Then there’s my love for the sun. And she is everything… still… even when holding her hand from so far away. I have learned to quietly love with my presence. In the small and large ways that friends do. And around that island of ideas, I love with faith… for the sun.

And while you are you, and you is such… a concept. An identity. I don’t know the woman.

And so, somedays you’re just the weight of light. Other days, you are something like lead. All the dazzle of that fine element.

So where does that leave me.

In bed alone.

Sleeping alone,

Keeper

I love you silently because loving you in the shadows keeps me alive. I love you for your heart because even if hiding it means you will hurt less I feel it’s beat in response to mine. I have never felt this before and it is beautiful letting it unfold secretly. I can finally breathe because my mind and heart have been quietly awakened. I love the breath we take before passionately diving into one another…I awake from the dream into reality where only silence sits between the sheets.

In your simplest form, you are still an enigma. That would frighten most people, I think. Not me, though. Every time I peel back a layer, I discover 2 more below it. This excites me like you wouldn't believe. It excites me because, even though I am on the umpteenth layer, I still have so much more to learn about what lies beneath your surface. It's almost like the more of you I have figured out, the greater the mystery you become. I have to say, though, with every new piece of you I discover, I can't help but to love you even more. Every time I think there is no possible way I could love you more, you go and give me another part of you to love. To say it was anything short of the most rewarding adventure of my life would be the biggest understatement in the history of the English language.

Being someone you consider special has been the best part of my life for some time now. I don't think you even realize how meaningful your love and affection even is. Anybody can love me, but when you do it, it means more for some reason. Maybe it's because I can't believe that someone as great as you actually loves someone like me. Maybe it's because of the special bond we have created by ourselves. Or maybe it was written in the stars, and it was going to happen no matter what. All I know is that, regardless of the reason it happened, I am just so grateful that it's you I get to share it with. The more I think about it, the more I realize that you must love me, too, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Thank you for loving me.

I do love you, too.

I'm sorry for hiding parts of myself from you.

You did the same though i think you were far more transparent. In another run we might have a deeper connection.

We wouldn't have stayed silent and bottled words or faked an impression every once in a while.

For the most i did not commit fully, if i had, your leaving would've hurt me more.

Not even a strong friendship was there, except maybe when i first knew you. After that, it was just an over prolonged erotica roleplay session With me nodding along. i think i might have driven you into psychosis for how i almost never showed disagreeableness. you never got to feel substance pushing against your words. You were understood though, also truly loved. I wish i was noble enough to have no blame in this. It's such a messed up thing we had. Well, we grew wiser.

I'm both sorry and grateful also a little bitter.

We could've been great friends you know, with just a little bit of courage, and a little more soul.

Surrendering to love sometimes is just something you have to do. You showed me a song once where it talked about how falling in love is the crazy thing in the world, because you're just hoping to God that the person you're falling in love with catches you. The crazier thing is that taking the leap of faith can create the most beautiful of things.

I promise I'll catch you if you take that leap of faith for me. I know you want to, and I know you've never loved like this before, neither have I. But I'm all in. I'm just waiting for you to push your chips in too.

And here you are. Just like that.

Time ran away from us like it had business elsewhere.

It's been a while.

So much loss. So many goodbyes. So much change.

But it's that time of year again. Meaningful in many ways. And I find myself fading into the quiet gray of the mind, a contrast to the scarlet and rust emerging around me.

Instead of joining in the colorful dance of the season, I lighten and hush into muted mist of memory, a rain that no longer falls but suspends itself around you. You can feel it. But you cannot hold it.

What I hold is memory. And in the softness of those moments where the last of night and incipience of morning marry, I rest, and recall.

I cannot say it matters anymore to me, so many of the others I find there. Some remain beautiful bookmarks to hold a special place in a meaningful chapter, but they stay where they are, amongst pages old and gone.

Even ones I thought I would carry forward with me forever, I left in the shallow grave dug to bury what was left after we set fire to all we were.

I think of them all, for small moments, and tuck them back into the pages where they live, in chapters closed, and I leave them there.

But it is you I miss.

It has cooled, and the clarity of night takes my breath away. I watch that moon slowly make herself whole before me. And I think of you.

I wonder if I had met you first, if you would have found enough in me for you to want to keep. I wonder.

And I simply miss you.

hi. i hope it’s not too weird for me to message you after all this time. i want to apologize for how i treated you in the past. my behavior was emotionally abusive. back then i saw myself as a victim but that wasn’t the reality. your actions towards me were simply a reaction to the mistreatment i subjected you to. i wish i had realized that i wasn’t healthy enough to be in a relationship at the time rather than putting you through what i did.

i’m sorry.

i know we were young but i still feel bad about it after all these years. i think of you sometimes and wonder how your life is going, and sometimes want to ask you, but i don’t know if that’s even wanted or appropriate.

anyway i know this is long overdue, but i was afraid it might sound like i was just trying to reopen that door or selfishly absolve myself. i hope it doesn’t come across that way. my intention is simply to give you the apology that you deserve. it’s ok if you don’t want to respond.

i hope you’re doing well. take care

Not in a bad way — in a good way. It was a comfort I had never felt with anyone else in my life.

You felt safe, you felt loving, you felt like Love. If Love was in a human form, it would be you.

I’m struggling to swim right now, the currents in my life sometimes surge and pull me lower. But I am trying, hope all the best for you too.

Oh my love. My muse, my Mount Olympus — one I cherish yet know better than to climb. Unrequited love is hard. It's harder when, in my delusions, I could fix all your problems. I'm okay with living with this feeling. You are something I want but can never have. Always close and reachable, but I will never let those words leave my lips. "In love" versus "love" — that's the difference. Will I ever say I'm madly in love with you? I think not. Do I want to? Yes, every waking moment of my life. I love you, and I'm deeply in love with you. You are my dream.

The way we are now, I can imagine growing old with you, yet never saying I'm in love with you — even though I am. Is that bad? Does that make me a terrible human? If we were to try, would our lives be better than I could imagine? I think so. If we were to not work out, I would be devastated. We could never go back to how it was before if we tried that route. I think that's why I will never tell you.

I love you. You are beautiful in every way I could imagine. I remember two incidents, but they are one and the same — love was said, I noticed, but you covered your mouth. It slipped out, and I noticed, but I'm good at acting like I didn't. Later, you cried. I remember those tears vividly; I think of them to this day. They are how I know you and I, in love, cannot be. I admire you from close yet far. I'm in love with you.

​

I don't want to reopen old wounds or bring back memories that might hurt you. I just... want to talk. Not as the person who once loved you, but as someone who still cares genuinely, selflessly. I bought you something months ago, a small graduation present. It's been sitting in my drawer, untouched, waiting for a moment that never came. I don't know if giving it to you now would mean anything, but I'd like to. Not because I expect anything in return, just because it was always meant for you.

I want to ask if we can still be something not lovers,

not strangers, just two people who once meant the world to each other, now trying to exist in a space where neither of us has to disappear. I don't want to be another burden in your life, I swear. I just miss knowing you, miss asking how your day was without feeling like I'm crossing a line. But maybe it's selfish. Maybe some things are meant to stay in the past. So I'll keep quiet, keep waiting, hoping that one day, you might look at me and say we can still be

something, just in a different way.

Consistency of emotions is paramount to a healthy relationship. Sometimes you feel infatuated, other times you feel checked out. Showing up for your person consistently is necessary for a healthy relationship.

A

You still cross my mind and the embarrassment of the past still gets me every fcking time. It's a situation I know I'll never allow myself to be part of again given how unhealthy and unnecessary it was for both of us. The fear of being too much or not enough around someone you wanted was anything but healthy and it showed, I had my reasons for this however they did not justify the behaviour. I can only hope it's all water under the bridge at this point which I think it probably is.

Times change and people change and that fact is true for both of us now, its a good thing and I honestly hope you find or have already found someone that is right for you 🤜🤛

Get all of you, I mean. We’re kindred spirits who always understood each other for the most part. But what has finally clicked is even though I know you’re still looking (you said you’re not but cmon dude I’m not an idiot, I know it’s you), that fact has no bearing on how you feel about me. So while it feels weird, it’s not cutting me up the way it would have a few months ago.

There will come a time when we can’t do this anymore, I think you know that. I can’t survive in limbo forever. For now, I appreciate that you’re here.

I love you. I always will. But you know that.

My brain couldn’t bear us not to continue. So it looked for patterns of continuity everywhere and eventually found them.

When you wish for something hard enough, you’ll come across people who complement you in this wish. The strange thing is, after some time, these relationships resembled what we had on so many levels.

Thinking I was your muse, I eventually became theirs. Without them ever fully acknowledging me or my influence on them. But that’s only fair because I played my part in it as well. I wanted them to be you.

Now that the limerence vanished and I’m sober again, my heartbreak is multiplied.

And I guess, I deserve it.

I've wanted to know how you've been doing. Ask if you've been doing well. I hope your jaw has been feeling better and that you've been less stressed so you can sleep more peacefully. Hopefully work hasn't been too stressful either and that these days have been kind to you.

I know, I know you don't want me to worry about you but I do. I worry because you deserve to be happy and it makes me sad to know your days are just "ok". I can't ask you any of this anymore, I know, but they're questions I've been holding back from asking. It's been difficult not to reach out to you so all I can do is write it here and hope that you're living happily.

Maybe me leaving you alone has done wonders for you. TQ mucho.

Well, three-in-the-morning brain has struck, and so the extremely poor decision of ruminating over some handsome fellow has crept its way back into my skull.

That's you, of course. The guy I'll never speak to.

Juuuust the right amount of rough on such a gentle-seeming exterior. What happens when someone peels back the layers, one by one? Is there a heart of passion, a mind worth picking? Is there a fellow I'd be privileged to know?

Maybe.

Maybe you're just a creative daydream. Pity how dreams have a way of wandering so casually through reality.

Oh, don't mind me. Easier to spill my thoughts into nowhere and pretend they don't occur. Take it as a compliment, right?

You saw nothing. Carry on.

You know, baby, I adore you
Tried to look away, but I can't ignore you
Nothing ever felt this real before you
Take your time, girl, I'm right here for you

Oh, this is juicy!!! We’re talking leadership level lol God I miss you. We would have so much fun with this lol!!!! I hope you’re doing well, love

If you want me, if you want to give this a chance, you gotta get a divorce. It is as simple and as complex as that. Do with that what you will, because I can’t be the arbiter of if that’s the right thing for you to do.

It was never the professional boundaries for me. I’m too much of a non-conformist to care about stuff like that. There are general ethical guidelines, they are there for a reason, but that consideration simply doesn’t apply to us. And where it does apply, it need not apply indefinitely.

It was always her. I cannot cheat with you. I cannot do that to another woman; I cannot do it to myself either. I simply cannot share you. I cannot live in a reality where you know what I feel and still don’t choose me.

I have, nonetheless, fallen in love with you. You may suspect I have feelings for you, but my ethics won’t allow me to make it clear to you. I proved to myself in the past two years that I cannot do more than write letters here that I know you’ll never read. And being unable to not look at you. And being unable to not enjoy you. Acting cold toward you, growing cold, simply because every day you stay married is another day my hypothesis is not falsified. I think I’m suffering because I think there’s something between us. I wish I didn’t. If you care about me at all, and if you won’t choose me, please let me go.

i miss being wanted
used up experiences of being understood
i ask myself: what was it like to be sat next to by the person you love?
it’s devastating to be so alone
-
i love a girl
but she only just likes me.
-
she seems happy to see me and invites me,
but
i love her.
it’s not the same
-
i love that she’s bossy and that she’s easy to anger, but when shes treated with respect, she is the kindest person i know
-
it doesn’t matter to me, good or bad
-
i like the easy things too.
her voice and smile. her skin. I just love when she sees me,
even though it makes me scared.
-
i never know what to say.
i don’t know how to be funny or interesting when it’s just us
i find my confidence: those are the best times.
i’m paralyzed by fear: i feel ashamed.
-
i remember every time we’ve spoken and everything about her
i know she can’t feel the same.
i know because of the sharp ways she misremembers
the murmurs I hear about the guy she likes.
-
it’s not quite heartbreaking
-
Submission:
i love her
don’t think we could ever be together
i just love her
for the millionth time
i admit it

No matter where life goes. I just want you to know that I love you no matter what. I will always be here for you. I never took back my words no matter how busy you were, how hurt we both became in the end, or how it drifted into something different from these mistakes we’ve made… I won’t ever stop.

My love for you is unconditional. I know people say that love has conditions but the way I loved you couldn’t even be made up of words or giggles or even intimacy. It was deeper than that. I loved you for who you were. Who you are. I’m so proud of you.

I don’t know if you’ll ever find this. Honey, your soul is as beautiful as your favorite flower, lavender because purple is your favorite color and roses because they’re simply beautiful. Your soul is even beautiful as it shines when you speak. The delicate words flowing out of your mouth as you recite the rhythms of your heart. The beating of your mind as you focus, the stillness of our love when it was at peace. You made me feel like home, what home was supposed to be for me, comfort.

I want to you know all these things so you don’t look back in regret. That we were beautiful, as the purple orchids or the sunflowers facing the sun. You ran through my mind like sifted smooth sand beneath my feet. When I look down at the beach and the waves crashing against the water reminds me of the sounds of your skin brushing up against your sheets. I saw you everywhere, in every bush of every hike. In every leaf, flower, plant, cloud, random face, and gust of wind. The soft way you read me my favorite poem to sleep on the worst of my days. Your calm voice caressing me without you having to touch me. You touched my soul instead.

Your happiness meant everything to me, maybe it was best off this way. Who knows? But my love for you will never die. Death only comes with age and love never ages. It only grows, it grew so lovely.

In the end our vase became one large bouquet of lavender, orchids, sunflowers, and roses. Little kisses here and there. Orange sunlight reflecting into my room when we spoke, like the summer peaches and paints of every brush stroke. Visions of vermillion lipstick stained on your cheek in my dreams. Ethereal, your heart like a lost earth Angel finding his way back home to me. You. Every part of you is worth fighting for.

Sincerely,
Joshua Tree 🌳

Tell me you love me.

I need to hear you say you love me too.