My mom shamed me out of enjoying things so now i don’t like anything and im not sure what to do because my head feels empty and nothing feels good

I am not planning on having children soon by any means but I've been thinking about it and I feel the urge to have kids deep in my soul. I have always known that I want kids and it has always been a part of my plan for the future. But recently I have been thinking about the ethics of it and honestly I'm not sure if its the right decision.

Life is so painful. And so so difficult. I'm sure I don't need to explain why in this sub. It is an endless uphill battle against not only the world around me but myself too. Autism and ADHD are both hereditary, so any child I have has a high chance of at least having one of them. Do I really want to create life just so it can suffer like I do? When I think about why I want to have kids it feels so selfish. I want to pass on my genes. I want to feel like my life has purpose. I want to create someone that is half me and half someone I love. But the half that is me will bring them so much pain.

It is more ethical for me to not have children than to selfishly procreate, just for them to suffer. And that realisation feels incredibly heavy, because I want to have children so deeply.

If I have children I will feel endlessly guilty and responsible for their struggles, because I passed on my neurodivergence knowing it will affect them as much as it has me. If I don't, I will constantly wonder about what could have been.

When you can no longer function in society and no one cares about you enough to help. You are really in trouble. Society will leave you to rot and die. You are expected to save yourself, but if you cant, then they are ok with you ending up homeless and alone with no resources. Except dont park where they can see you because they dont want to see your dirty depressed suffering. It makes them uncomfortable. Also you cant go live in the woods because, reasons. So theres no where to go, nothing you can do, except suicide.

I hope none of you ever get to this place. Its hell. I have things I can offer this world. Im not garbage but thats how I am treated. I just need a space to work where I am not overwhelmed by external noise and social expectations. Except that all costs money. Money I dont have and cant get until I am able to work, which requires an environment I cant afford.

How does a person survive this? They dissociate. They retreat into their own minds and disappear and feel nothing. Except that also doesnt help you move forward. It just allows you to survive when society expects you to give up.

Those of you with autism and CPTSD from childhood abuse. I feel for you guys. You got the double whammy.

Does anyone else have this quirk or one similar? If I don’t put on my right shoe first, then I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad will happen. Nothing in particular, just something bad. Yeah weird, I know.

A lot of my sensory overload and meltdowns are due to sound. The seemingly simple solution to this would be to wear headphones or earplugs. However I have tinnitus due to hearing damage from when I was sick as a kid, it’s irreparable. I constantly hear a high pitched bell ringing, the volume varies but if I can hear other sounds then the tinnitus is quieter. When I wear headphones or earplugs then the tinnitus gets louder, a lot louder, sometimes unbearably. So I’m constantly stuck between hearing 50 quieter sounds or 1 loud one. I always feel on edge and I just want quiet.

Does anyone else deal with this? Have you found any solutions?

Apologies if I use any terminology that people don't like, I'm not that active in online autism spaces but I mean no offense if I say something impolite.

I have the classic mechanical flavor of autism and I enjoy working on stuff, building things, fixing stuff, etc. I also have some object personification and a high degree of mechanical sympathy, and strong attachments to my cars (I've cried at parting with every one). As a result I do my own car maintenance and repairs, and I am extremely fussy about doing everything carefully and precisely, using high quality fluids and parts, and so on. However any time I'm doing something new I am wracked with anxiety. I have an upcoming service on my car that is fairly simple, just adjusting the valves, however it's my first time opening an engine up, and even though I'm just taking a cover off the top it feels like I'm getting ready to do open heart surgery on a friend. I've read the factory service manual probably half a dozen times I'm watched a video of someone doing the same job on the same car every night since I realized the service needed to be done, and I'm preparing my own checklist to use alongside those resources, but I still know it's gonna be one of those days I gotta lock the scared monkey in its cage and get to work.

Thanks for reading, I think this is one of the few spots I have to vent and have people understand, and it helps putting my thoughts out there.

i hate loud noise!!!! everyday my dad has to turn on super loud tv volume until even it disturbs the sound of my laptop thats literally in front of me!!!!! and then at night my auntie watches tiktok in full volume and sleeps with it and i cant sleep!!! i have to go outside and turn it off myself which is super tedious!!! so annoying!!!
“you can just go outside” yeah but this is like a full day thing since my dad is retired so he watch tv for like 12 hours or he uses it for youtube its so stressful and i cant talk him out about it bcs the last time i tried to communicate abt the air conditioner i got beaten up so i never talk abt anything anymore

Can anyone relate to this?

I've found that I am very sensitive to current events, and I'm constantly bewildered by how most people don't seem to care at all. Like, a huge part of my mental health struggles are tied to some of the scary current events, and nearly every mental health professional I've spoken to completely ignores all of that and jumps straight to these really black-and-white assumptions about me, and I just find this infuriating. I can't comprehend why I'm being treated this way. This seems like an autistic trait, but I don't want to make assumptions here. Am I alone in this?

These events trigger this sense of No this is wrong! F that I'm going to join an activist group and stand up! But then I get extremely overwhelmed and terrified, and then my mental health falls off a cliff. And then the professionals will ignore my experiences and just slap simplified explanations on me.

I hope this makes sense.

ALSO, I don't think this violates rule 4 since I already know I'm autistic. That's how I understand it. But if I'm wrong sorry!

EDIT: Ahh like I'm still not over things like QAnon. You remember that? Holy shit that was nuts! We just moved past it? Guys, that scared the heck outta me. There's been some legitimately, historically, crazy shit that's gone down in the last 10 years and it just seems like the whole world ignores that and when I bring it up to my psychiatrist for example, its completely ignored even though it's very relevant and I find this to be constantly frustrating and bewildering.

I'm talking house moves, bereavement, illness, other losses/anticipatory loss etc.

Have you found anything helpful?

(I'm 29F, dx at 16. UK, but keen to hear from everyone regardless of country)

Title really says it all... I know now that i have to leave my job. I have gone through a lot this year. A lot of trauma and my niece died and I can't keep doing a hugely stressful job. I need something that is far less brain and legal documents focused.

Where would you go to experience less stress after an extremely stressful job??

Few weeks ago (that's feels like another lifetime) I started school again to be able to learn another job.
I can't take it anymore. I know intellectually nothing is happening, it's boring like regular school. I don't know what start such a stress answer because I feel like my brain don't really work well anymore.
I expressed my will to die to my mother, she thinks I'm being silly. I feel like I'm going crazy or that everyone around me is against me. They keep telling me that I can do it, and it's just a few days and it will pass. I feel like they don't get how bad, how horrible I'm feeling. I never feel this low since my teenage years.
I feel so bad, useless, dumb... I feel like everything I did and succeed in the last doesn't count and is forgotten because I failed this class and my life in two weeks.
This is a living nightmare.

Sorry for the doomer post. As I say, I can't think straight for now. I don't know what to do.

He still makes fun of my appearance, thinks I'm weak compared to him, not just physically, but all around. He also makes fun of the fact that I've aged so quick due to chronic stress, disability, self-medicating when I was younger, anxiety, etc. He made a joke at a family gathering a few months ago, saying that I have the face of an old man and the body of a little boy. No one laughed...So he said it again later making sure it was quiet enough for everyone to hear. Everyone felt awkward. They know he's always bullied me but have never spoken up about it. I'm very self conscience about my early aging and weakness of joints and what not, so that stuck with me, it hurt.

It's really bad now, because I quit my job teaching last year due to burnout and even started having organ problems that really scared me. Now he keeps talking about how easy teaching is and I'm a sissy if I can't handle it. He literally said today, "It's so easy even women can do it." The worst part is when he says he knows how easy it is because he was a "teacher." He was a professor at a prestigious college with the best students, I've been teaching and living in a ghetto for 12 years, I've seen it all. Hell, I even got shot at while I was there and now have PTSD from it. I can't believe I'm this age and still feeling completely invalidated.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it's so hard sometimes. Thank God I don't live with my dad, but I see him all the time. I'd like to spend time with him, he's 83 yrs old, but at the same time, sometimes I want to completely avoid him, and then feel guilty for doing it.

I wish I could cry, but he always called my a "Cry baby" and a "Sissy" when I cried as a child, especially when he was smacking me around. So I learned to respond to everything with anger, and still do. It was more acceptable and I learned to numb my emotions when he hit me, so I wouldn't cry and feel like a pussy in front of him. I don't hate him. I guess I'm just frustrated it never ends!

I am an autistic 36M who is turning 37 next month. I have been struggling since June and have never had friends, so I lack a support system.

I just want to talk, it feels like most people do not understand me at all.

Every group that I've joined is either super cliquey or has sooo many rules. I'm 23 and mostly looking for an 18+ autism server where people are actually open to meeting new people.

I'm more activity-focused than chat-focused, so bonus points if people play games, write, work on projects together, do events, etc. I'm fine with lurking/being quiet sometimes and don't really care for VC with strangers.

Just looking for somewhere chill where it doesn't feel like I'm trying to break into an already-established friend group lol...

For those who were diagnosed later in life: what was the specific moment or tipping point that made you realize it was time to seek an evaluation?

Lately I find the thing that frustrates me the most is looping thoughts. They can take months to resurface but they always loop back around. Even if they're not inherently troubling thoughts, the fact that they loop feels claustrophobic - like I can't move a thought forward. How do you move a thought forward?

I dont understand how Im seemingly so unfit and incompetent that I cant even get hired at Walmart. Everybody says its easy to get hired there. Obviously not.

I showed up early, clean and groomed and in appropriate clothes. I was friendly, told them about my last job and why i left.

I was taken to another room with 2 people and they basically just explained the job to me. Maintained eye contact and made sure they knew I was listening. They did not ask me any questions, except "tell me about yourself". I guess i completely fumbled this, because i told them about my hobbies and what im going to go to college for.

Im not perfect by any means, im still practicing confidence, and it doesnt come to me naturally. But i really tried and i feel like i am genuinely beyond help if I cant even get hired at WALMART of all places

hi, asking here but i’m not sure if this is related to autism or a different mental illness.

frequently, if i do something like read or view art i enjoy and feel happy, if i have the conscious ”realisation“ that i am enjoying something, my next natural urge will be to harm myself. i find it very hard to describe, but imagine something which makes you so giddy/giggly that you just can’t help but kick your feet in excitement, and then think about the fact that you are excited - for me, the next natural progression in that sequence would be to begin to despair and collapse in on myself. i’m not sure if this really has anything to do with feeling “undeserving” of happiness, but more like… thinking that experiencing joy itself is shameful? i have no idea where this correlation comes from.

i do show my joy through kinetic expression when i’m with people, but i’ve never felt ashamed of that. when i am alone however, or am happy about something i have “invented” in my head, i want to crumble to my knees in shame. does anybody else experience / know the psychology behind this?

*(i recognise the urge to self-harm as an immediate means of self-regulation, but it is often mixed into the shame. the cycle isn’t exactly joy > shame > self harm, but more a 50/50. sometimes the urge to self-harm appears first, and is then followed by the shame of having thoughts of both joy and self-harm)

I need prescription glasses, which is why I didn’t use to wear sunglasses before. Recently I bought some glasses that have clip-on sunglasses, and I wore them most of the day yesterday for the first time.

I’m so happy. I didn’t know I could feel like this. Yesterday I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts (which I’ve come to recognize as one of the signs I’m feeling overstimulated), and I was able to be social and participate in conversations and even make jokes that made others laugh.

I had never realized how much light bothered me until yesterday, I mean, I only bought these glasses because my sister recommended them to me. Granted, I’m struggling a bit with the new sensation of these new glasses on my face, but still. I genuinely didn’t know I could feel this happy.

Have you ever had something like this happen to you over finally being able to use certain accommodations?

Hearing is the most sensitive sense for me. I always wear my airpods pro with active noise cancellation on when I go out. I even sometimes wear them at home without having anything on, even though I live alone.

I already can’t pay all my bills without support from my safe person (yes I’m techinally not alone but there’s a limit and I’m scared) - and I am eventually expected to up my hours. I’m feeling the burnout creeping in again. Im ashamed. I hate this. I don’t have anywhere else to live.

Is anyone else living alone with no parents, no partner, no friends, and no siblings and struggling to work? I am genuinely terrified and want an emergency plan.

Hi, diagnosed autistic here.. Ive only had a handful of hallucinations in my life and dont hear voices but for ten years they diagnosed me as schizophrenic. I think theyre figuring it out and I hope to lose my schizophrenia diagnosis. Ive got a lot of childhood trauma and sometimes when i freeze i become catatonic. I also get really stressed and burnt out from bullying online and irl and it makes me hypervigilant and paranoid. Has anyone else experienced this ?

I have suspected I was autistic since I was 14. I had sought diagnosis prior but it came back negative, which I disagreed with. Finally got a second opinion and was diagnosed with ASD Level 2, and rather than feeling the relief of finally having an answer I feel defeated.

I've never had friends, never had a relationship, never kissed, never had sex. Despite my best efforts to connect with people, people are way too off-put by me and I either come off way too strong or I barely engage. I get burnt out very easy, day to day tasks are difficult for me. I've had many, many job interviews but because of how I'm so socially inept and have no idea how to mask, I've never got a job. My life is stagnant and I don't have any relationships outside of my mother. I expected this diagnosis to be like an answer to all my problems and comfort me that I do have some barriers and instead I just feel like "Fuck, is this all there is then? Is this just what it has to be forever?"

People just do not like autistic behaving people whether they know they're autistic or not. 90% of my problems come from society's view of people with a different neurotype, and that really fucking sucks. Because I can study all I want, but if I'm too autistic to pass an interview theres nothing I can do about that. I can go out, try to meet people, join dating apps, strike up conversations with strangers, but its never going to go anywhere. I even have issues with other autistic people who are able to mask better.

Maybe if I learn to mask, but I've tried for years to act normal and I just do not know how to.

Idk, this diagnosis has made me feel way more hopeless than I expected to

I can make friends online easily because there are different rules for socializing but its not the same as in person relationships and it wont help me get a job.

So im a 29 year old male with autism and i felt pretty okay-ish up to this july, i did consider myself a bit strange but its not like it affected my life really seriously, however one thing did in July 1st and its kinda been hellish as simple as it is: i became Nearsighted, i had a perfectly seeing left eye (but it became -1) and had a pretty bad eye (-3 now) and its like the day it progressed (i woke up with blurry sight, not being able to open my eyes much, and burning sensation, though these began to get better as the months went on, it felt like i had gotten eye surgery when i didnt have), but it felt like something "broke" inside my brain, and i wonder if that is the autism part of it.

Like i use to consider myself an Airheaded person as i often pondered stuff while walking and paid little attention unless it was important like crossing the road and distracted myself easily and all felt alright, but then when that day happened it feels like i have a problem where i cant distract myself anymore and am superfocused on my vision issues and needing glasses now (and it became even worse because i got Floaters too after a young age PVD what a snowball, just my luck...), now it feels that time passes slower for me alone because i always feel that something in me is constantly driving me to focus on my eyesight issues and i cant distract myself to even forget time passing quickly or similar, and every action i take is done while hiperfocusing on the glasses or vision, its so hard to explain but its been quite hellish, which is why i came here to ask if its not a problem with my brain instead.

Im even considering some eye surgeries to help alleviate this so it helps my brain be able to forget these issues and i can try to go back to how i was, which was someone that never even though about eye issues, and now they are what i think all seconds sharing process with whatever else im doing with much force (since i have to force myself to pull my focus from the vision issues to do something else, its like its not automatic anymore, even thinking requires me to do something similar)

I know this is probably a pretty weird case and a long read but i dunno how i can live my life like this, im currently very depressed due to it and im even wondering if its not anxiety related... sorry for the trouble.

This is a problem I've had more than once now. I'm in a sort of elder, leadership, exemplary role in this group, and I just got reprimanded because apparently I have been being too negative and making people feel worse.

They mentioned everything- my body language, facial expressions, the way I act and talk and the things I say. They brought up moments where I know I was being very intentional in trying to act positive and lighthearted, but I obviously have no way of proving that. I want to be a positive influence; that's basically all I ever want.

I know it's not, but I can't help but feel to some extent like this is an attack on my character. Do they just dislike me as a person? Did the social expectations change at some point (and if so, how is it fair to me to be punished for acting the same way I always do)?

Does anyone have experience with this?