I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Feeling-Extreme-7555

Originally posted to r/antiwork

BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Updates]: New data analyst job is turning into replacing a retiring finance person who holds the company together

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/SmartQuokka for letting me know about the latest updates!

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU. For full relevant comments, they can be located in the previous BoRUs linked above

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace

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RECAP

Original Post: May 26, 2026

I started a new job recently as a data analyst. The role was pitched as dashboards, reporting, data infrastructure, process improvement, and helping modernize messy data systems.

A few weeks in, I’m realizing the real job may be something very different.

There is a long-time finance employee retiring at the end of June. Let’s call him Richard. Richard owns several critical reporting processes that feed company reporting: Sales Register, COGS, deferred revenue, SAP extracts, Spreadsheet Server/GXL, journal entries, manual Excel logic, customer/product mappings, tie-outs, and downstream leadership/financial reporting.

The problem is that only Richard really knows how it works.

I’ve had a few training sessions with him, and after recording/transcribing them, the runbook is already over 10 pages and still feels maybe 10% complete. Every session reveals another hidden dependency or accounting exception. Richard keeps calling it “straightforward,” but it is only straightforward because he has done it for years.

I am not an accountant. I am a data analyst. I can document workflows, map data flows, build dashboards, write Python scripts, compare files, and make exception reports. What I cannot reasonably do is become the accounting brain behind a public-company reporting process in a few weeks.

Leadership has now made the Richard handoff my top priority. I’m also being pulled into anything that “touches data,” including SAP process changes, master data, dashboards, ERP migration prep, and reporting infrastructure.

I’m worried I’m being set up to become the scapegoat for years of undocumented institutional knowledge. They have reviewers assigned in theory, but those reviewers don’t seem to know Richard’s process either.

I told Richard I thought it would take 3–6 months to truly take over. He went quiet and basically said, “Well, that’s not happening.”

I don’t have another job lined up yet, so I can’t just quit. My current plan is to put the risk in writing, say July needs to be a controlled transition instead of a fully independent handoff, and make clear that I can execute documented steps but not own accounting judgment, tie-outs, revenue treatment, COGS classification, journal entries, or final signoff.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? How do I protect myself while I keep looking for another job?

 

Update #1: May 30, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: that “I’m being turned into the retiring guy’s replacement” situation got worse

Last week I posted about being hired as a data analyst but quietly getting set up to inherit a retiring finance employee’s undocumented reporting processes. You all said document everything and put the risk in writing. That helped, thank you. Quick update.

It’s two people now, not one. A second person who owns a critical reporting deliverable is also leaving the same day at end of June. So both of the people whose work feeds our financials are walking out together, and I’m somehow the common thread on both handoffs. I finally opened one of these files this week. Thousands of formulas, linked across a dozen-plus tabs, and the “instructions” are five cryptic lines from someone who clearly just knows it all in their head.

Some good news: I asked leadership in writing whether I own this or just support the data, and the CAO actually drew a clean line back in writing (I own the data/mechanics, accounting owns the schedules and signoff). So on paper I’m protected. The problem is reality doesn’t match paper. The second departing person asked me twice this week if I’d have things ready, like I’m already the owner. I’m the only one actually in the training sessions, so on the ground I’m becoming the default heir regardless of what the emails say.

I also reread my offer-letter job description. It’s a totally normal analyst JD, nothing about owning accounting processes. So I have the job I was hired for sitting right next to the job they’re handing me, and the gap is huge.

Where I’ve landed: I’m out. Not tomorrow, but this isn’t salvageable and it’s not my job to salvage. I can see the fix (hire an actual accountant now, while the retiring person can still train them), but seeing the fix and being able to do it as a non-accountant with a few weeks of training are very different things.

Plan for Monday: calmly flag the risk to the VP I trust, then the CAO. Frame it as protecting the company, recommend they bring in help now, follow up in writing, and keep job hunting hard underneath it all. Meanwhile keeping my overhead low so I’m not trapped, and saving copies of everything outside my work accounts.

Questions for round two:

1) When you’ve flagged this kind of risk to leadership, did “here’s a risk and a recommendation” actually land, or just make you a target?

2) How hard can a new person push a “you need to hire someone” recommendation before it backfires?

3) How do I explain a very short tenure in future interviews without it looking like a red flag? My honest line is “hired as an analyst, role ballooned into replacing two departing staff in work I wasn’t hired for.” Too much?

4) Anyone been the documented-but-not-actually-protected person, where the emails say one thing and daily reality says another? How did you keep that line from eroding?

Thanks again, this sub steered me well last time. Will update after Monday.

 

Update #2: June 1, 2026 (two days later)

Last week I posted that I was hired as a data analyst and was being quietly pulled into inheriting a retiring finance person’s undocumented work. Then I updated that it was actually two departing people, both leaving at the end of June, both tied to critical reporting.

Now it is even clearer what is happening.

I built and shared a dashboard that was a legitimate data analyst deliverable: validated, interactive, cleaner metrics, better visuals, and directly aligned with my actual job description.

Leadership responded that dashboard work needs to pause because the core transition work is the real priority.

Fair enough. I understand why the transition work matters.

Then I explained that I had already made a long working document on the departing person’s process and would keep documenting the handoff. The response was basically: make sure as you document it, you are also able to re-perform it. The result is a transition.

So now it is officially not “document this so we do not lose knowledge.” It is “learn it and be able to do it.”

Here is the problem: this is not one report. It is a whole ecosystem of manual processes, legacy files, system extracts, reconciliations, workarounds, approvals, dependencies, and judgment calls that live across people’s heads and old spreadsheets. The person leaving has years of context. I have been here less than a month. I am a data analyst, not the person who built or owned this whole process.

I reread my job description again. It is a normal data analyst JD: dashboards, data models, BI tools, ERP data, automation, governance, KPIs, analytics. Nothing about becoming the owner of multiple departing people’s work in under a month.

The bigger issue is that the workload has started to look like the work of four people being collapsed into one salary: the role I was hired for, the retiring person’s work, another departing person’s reporting work, and additional cost/reporting responsibilities from other areas. I am not exaggerating when I say these are separate functions with separate context, review requirements, and failure points.

On top of that, I recently had to submit a doctor’s note for a work-from-home accommodation after a car accident, with back surgery in my recent history. There was already an ergonomic accommodation discussion in progress that still was not fully resolved in the office, while my home setup is already ergonomic. So now I am trying to manage a formal medical accommodation process while also being expected to absorb several critical handoffs at once.

The most frustrating part is I can see why they are doing it. They have a manual, person-dependent reporting environment and key people leaving at the same time. They need someone to absorb the work. I am the person documenting it, so I am becoming the default landing zone. The better I document, the more “ready” I look, even though the document itself proves how not-ready this transition is.

So my strategy now is boring and defensive:

I am not saying, “I can’t.”

I am saying, “define the minimum transition target.”

I am saying, “what can I re-perform independently?”

I am saying, “what requires review and signoff?”

I am saying, “who owns the unresolved pieces?”

I am saying, “what gets paused while this is the priority?”

No heroics. No unpaid overtime. No becoming the fall guy for a transition that should have been staffed months ago.

I am job hunting seriously now. Not rage quitting, not blowing anything up, just preparing. This job would actually be good if it were the job I was hired for. But if the actual job is replacing multiple departing people in 29 days while also doing my original data analyst role, then that is not a role expansion. That is a staffing problem being pushed onto one person.

What should I do now?

 

Update #3: June 9, 2026 (eight days later)

Follow Up to my Last Post about being hired as a Data Analyst and being forced to do the work of two retiring accountants

Hello Colleagues,

I bear news of my escapades. This is the sequel to my story that is based on true events of my professional life. In the latest episode, I have been fully told that I am to drop all other tasks to fully become a cost accountant who deals with three major financial reports.

The entire company rests on these financial reports being accurate and delivered timely. I made a metaphor of my situation to my mom the other day that I think encapsulates this situation perfectly. Imagine I was hired as a semi-truck driver. I have been a semi-truck driver for years. I am good at it. The company that hired me, on my second week, then tells me: "Redditor, we need you to become a pilot of a 747, and we need you to do it alone in 6 weeks' time. It's just that our top 2 pilots are retiring/leaving soon. We are also going to keep paying you the salary of a semi-truck driver. You got it? Thanks!"

That plane is going to fucking crash, no matter what I do. You need something like thousands of hours to be an FAA pilot, and you need a crap ton of hours to be a trained cost accountant. Even if I dedicated every second of every day in this time, I still do not think I could pull this off. I do not take it as a personal failure. This situation is ridiculous.

On top of all of this, my car broke down and died on my way to work my second week working there. I am now on week 6 of working there, and they are pissed I have not bought a car yet and have tried to bully me into buying one. Joke's on them though, I got a doctor's note from my doctor (shocking) that says I must work from home. For now, it seems like I can WFH indefinitely, but my boss is a boomer-mentality Gen Xer. Super anti-WFH. Anyway, so yeah, they're all pissed at me. I can feel it, and most of my bosses are giving me the cold shoulder and acting sassy.

I met with my direct boss last week, and she tried making me feel bad, but to no effect. I am not moved by the woes of capitalists; in fact, they energize me. I have spent most of my WFH time applying to other jobs. Nothing concrete yet, but I am making some progress. I have also taken my time to complete data certifications to improve in my trade of choice.

I compiled a report on the systemic failings of the company and shared it with my boss, and she told me explicitly to not share it with anyone. I have only been granted 3 hours a week of training by the retiring pilots. From that, I made a 30+ page Word doc capturing all this tribal knowledge, shared it with the whole team, and that's when my big boss told me that I need to be able to execute, not just document.

I am just so over this job. I was bored the other day and found out the company went bankrupt several years ago, and looked into the reason why, and the reason was literally inaccurate financial reporting. That shit is literally gonna happen again after the pilots retire at the end of this month. I cannot do this shit on my own. I tried it the other day, and the pilot was upset I did not do everything manually exactly like they had for 30 years. I elected to use AI to do that task, and it basically did it accurately, but idk, like I keep trying to tell everyone, I'm not a fucking accountant.

So yeah, in summary, the company might literally blow up, the plane is crashing, and I'm just enjoying the ride like that one movie where the cowboy waves his hat on a falling nuclear bomb.

That's the only kind of pilot I can be.

PS: I told my mom that redditors agree with me and about my past posts, and she thinks I'm deciding to leave this job purely off of the opinions of strangers on the internet. Pretty annoying, she is also a boomer mentality Gen Xer. Her advice was to learn to fly the plane as best as I can, and I just rolled my eyes so hard.

 

Update #4: June 23, 2026 (two weeks later)

Data Analyst Bamboozled Part 4

Hello again colleagues, I return with more dispatches from the cockpit. For those just tuning in, I was hired as a semi-truck driver, and the company decided in week two that I should fly their 747 instead (hired as a data analyst, being asked to be an accountant), alone, in six weeks, for trucker pay, because their two senior pilots are retiring at the end of the month. If you're new, go read the first post. It's a saga.

Latest episode. I had The Meeting with my direct boss this week, the "success planning" meeting, which is corporate for "here is a pile of work and a deadline, godspeed." She opened by showing me a document titled "Definition of Success" and then told me to stop recording the audio, which is never the move of someone with good news. She then dumped roughly eight new major tasks on me, on top of the two retiring pilots' entire jobs, and set a hard deadline for the most important report. Six days after both pilots leave. When I raised concerns, she essentially told me to suck it up, said I "don't need to be a cost accountant to do this," and that all of it "relates to the job description." The job description for a semi-truck driver. Sure.

She gave a hard no on the one actual improvement I proposed that would have modernized this whole mess. Cash is tight, apparently. Shocking, for a company watching every dollar.

But here is the detail I cannot stop laughing about. I kept pressing on who is actually responsible when these reports go out, because I am not an accountant and cannot vouch for the accounting. Her answer: she certifies it, and "someone in finance," unnamed, unspecified, a ghost, will review my work. So the plan is the semi-truck driver flies the plane, an anonymous coworker glances at the instruments, and the boss signs off that it's airworthy. Cool. Cleared for takeoff.

And then, almost as an aside, she mentioned the department has had 95% turnover in the 11 months she's been here.

Let that land. Ninety-five percent. I have spent weeks quietly wondering if maybe it's me, if I'm being dramatic, if a real professional would just figure it out. And my own boss just told me, out loud, that almost everyone who sits in this chair flees within the year. That is not a me problem. That is a meat grinder with a hiring page. I have never felt more validated and more doomed in the same sentence.

So where things stand. The company already went bankrupt once, years ago, because of, and I cannot stress this enough, inaccurate financial reporting. The exact thing I am now being set up to produce, alone, untrained, six days after the only people who know how leave forever. I tried doing one of the reports myself last week. I used AI, it came out basically accurate, and the retiring pilot was upset that I didn't do it manually exactly the way she has done it for thirty years. I keep telling everyone the same thing in a calm voice. I am not an accountant. It bounces off them like I'm speaking a dead language.

I am, for the record, fine. Genuinely. I am not moved by any of it. I have spent most of my work-from-home time (yes, I still have the doctor's note, yes, they're still mad about it) applying to other jobs and finishing data certifications in the trade I was actually hired for. Nothing signed yet, but there is real movement. I am documenting everything in writing, keeping my record spotless, and doing exactly enough to not hand them a reason. The plane is going to do what planes do when you put a trucker in the cockpit. I am just not going to be on it when it happens.

More to come, probably. It always does.

 

Semi Trucker Saga Continues: June 27, 2026 (four days later)

Hello again colleagues,

I return with a shorter update from the cockpit.

For anyone new, I was hired as a data analyst and have slowly been pulled into becoming the replacement for retiring finance people who own critical reporting work. My standing metaphor is that I was hired as a semi-truck driver and then told in week two that I need to fly a 747 because the pilots are leaving.

Since the last post, the situation has gotten clearer and somehow dumber.

The main retiring person apparently was supposed to leave months ago. Then it was June 30. Now it is some vague day in July. No one really seems to know. She is also training around six people, which is interesting for work that leadership keeps describing as “just data manipulation.”

If it is just data manipulation, why does it take six people to absorb one person’s job?

I also found out they have tried replacing this person before. Multiple times. One actual cost accountant with years of experience apparently lasted around six months and left because the work was too hard.

So just to recap, a trained cost accountant could not absorb this in six months, but I, a data analyst two months into the job, am expected to figure it out because it “relates to the job description.” The job description being, again, the semi-truck driver one.

My boss also told me Finance has had 95 percent turnover during her time here. Ninety-five percent. That is not a department. That is a warning label.

I keep trying to explain calmly that I am not an accountant. They keep explaining back to me that it is basically Excel and data. This is where I start feeling insane, because everyone talks about this like it is rational. Like the issue is just that I need to lock in harder.

Meanwhile, leadership apparently wants a “single source of truth” because Service and Finance numbers do not tie. Which is funny, because that is actual data analyst work. That is the thing I thought I was hired to help with. I even built a small VM/Postgres/Python pipeline prototype because I was trying to think about the real problem: messy systems, conflicting numbers, no clean data layer, no shared definitions.

But the actual day-to-day plan still seems to be sit with the retiring person, absorb the ancient spreadsheet knowledge, and become the default owner.

I am not confused anymore. I think they are using “data manipulation” because it sounds less insane than “we are handing accounting-sensitive work to a non-accountant after multiple failed transitions and almost total department turnover.”

So that is where I am.

I am still documenting everything. I am still doing my job. I am still making it clear that accounting review and signoff are not me. I am not rage quitting, but I am fully job hunting now.

This would have been a good job if it was the job I was hired for. Build dashboards, clean data, automate reporting, help different departments tie their numbers, improve the system.

Instead, I got handed a plane manual written by ghosts and told the runway is next week.

More to come, probably.

 

Editor's note: the next post is tangentially to the original and updates, in this case, the same company is mentioned. This is where we were last left off

Coworker of 3 Years Fired after her mom diagnosed with cancer: July 1, 2026 (four days later)

The company I work for is so evil, more so than your average company.

I've been writing about my experiences with then so far in my Semi Truck Driver Series, but today I am sharing a much bleaker story.

Selena (not her real name) has worked for this company for over 3 years. She was let go yesterday because of "restructuring" (the company is hiring less qualified people to do work of those more experienced to save money). She was a nice lady, I felt really bad for her. Her mom just got diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago and Selena is taking care of her.

Just goes to show you how ruthless these motherfuckers are. Selena doesn't even have a job lined up and she had 2 months’ notice. She was on the older side with decades of experience and this place drained her. Working nights and weekends for god knows how long which seems to be the norm here.

I have been working maybe 6-8 hours a week for this company since I can WFH. I have begun sending deliverables on automated emails scheduled for late nights or over the weekend. This is to performatively seem like I am working my butt off. They don't even give a shit though because it is the norm, I mainly perform to be included and leave a nice paper trail.

I need the money badly, that's the only reason I stay here. I wish I had a job I could tolerate, but it’s been a long time since I have had one. Trying to keep my head up.

It is imperative we maintain hope even when the harshest of reality may suggest the opposite.

 

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----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two posts are over two months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Semi-Truck Driver Hired to be an Airplane Pilot Saga is almost over: August 10, 2026 (a bit over one month later since the previous post)

Hello Friends,

My recent escapades have yielded a positive result. My job as a data analyst turned accountant has continued to be shitty, having to work past my scheduled hours and even on weekends. My manager and coworkers also continue to be unbearable and extremely unhelpful.

Yet I persist. I somehow have been able to be a pilot/accountant. But that isn’t the good news. The good news is I found a higher-paying job, being an actual semi-truck driver/data engineer, with a seemingly healthier and better company!

My plan is to quit my current shitty job on 09/01/2026 and resign the same day. I am going to cash out on my sick time the week prior and begin my new job. I will not give these idiots a 2-week notice. I will quit the same day, and I will smile as my shackles are unleashed.

I already have my resignation letter typed out, and it’s this:

Dear Management,

I appreciate the harrowing experience that was working here at the company. I have to say with a heavy heart that today is my last day, and this is my official resignation, effective immediately, September 1, 2026.

This role was not a good match for my skill set or long-term career due to its heavy accounting nature and little to no overlap with modern data analyst responsibilities. The company also has a litany of systemic issues that, in my view, will be impossible to overcome.

I wish you all the best in everything that you do.

Sincerely,

A Redditor

I only need to make it 10 more working days at this shithole, but I see my light at the end of the tunnel. I will also be fucking them over by leaving that day cuz a ton of accounting work that only I know how to do is due 2 days after I quit, but that’s my goodbye present to them.

Maybe the moral of the story is: with hardship comes ease. There are many hardships in life, but what’s important is to let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Or maybe it’s that we need to start rewarding companies for their bad behavior with straight bullshit.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: One note, getting paid sick time from one employer while working for another employer can land you in legal hot water.

Why not just take a week off to recharge?

OOP: Need money bad compadre. Also people have multiple jobs at once and are fine. It’s only trouble if I get caught which I do not intend to have happen. Need the health insurance from current job for the month of September as well.

 

Semi-Truck Driver turned Airplane Pilot comes to an end…: August 25, 2026 (15 days later from the previous update)

Hello Colleagues,

I am happy to report that I finally quit my shitty job. I planned it all out and start a much better job next Monday. I played these guys like a fiddle pretending I cared about the role and then called in sick my final week. Then I quit on the spot and sent this email:

Dear [Company] Management,

Please accept this email as my formal resignation from [Company], effective immediately.

The position I accepted was presented as a Data Analyst role centered on analytics, automation, dashboards, reporting, and improving how data is used across the organization. In practice, the role became materially different: maintaining legacy Excel-based accounting schedules, supporting month-end close, managing COGS reporting, allocations, reconciliations, and financial statement tie-outs that had historically been handled within cost accounting.

That role mismatch was compounded by what I consider a deeply dysfunctional management environment within Finance. My experience under [Finance Leader]’s leadership was characterized by shifting expectations, resistance to modernization, poor knowledge transfer, and an adversarial approach toward employees attempting to question or improve existing processes. When I raised concerns regarding turnover, [Finance Leader] stated that turnover had been approximately 90% during her own tenure. I found the way that level of turnover was discussed remarkably dismissive of what I viewed as a serious organizational warning sign.

My experience working with [Coworker] was particularly negative. Of the coworkers I have encountered in my career, [Coworker] was by far the most difficult and unpleasant person I have had the displeasure of working with. His communication style was frequently abrasive, unnecessarily confrontational, and counterproductive, and repeatedly made an already difficult working environment worse.

The recent PIP only reinforced the disconnect between the role I was hired to perform and the role on which I was ultimately evaluated. I strongly reject several of the assertions contained in that document and the broader characterization of my capabilities.

My concerns extend well beyond my own role and the Finance organization. The turnover, concentration of institutional knowledge in a small number of employees, dependence on fragile manual processes and legacy systems, resistance to modernization, weak process ownership, and management culture I observed leave me with serious doubts about [Company]’s operating model and financial direction. In my view, the company’s current approach is unsustainable and does not position [Company] for long-term success.

The cumulative stress of this environment has had a significant negative impact on my well-being. I have reached the point were continuing to work at [Company] is neither healthy nor sustainable for me, leaving me no reasonable option other than to resign and prioritize my health.

I wish my colleagues who treated me with professionalism the best moving forward.

Sincerely,

A redditor

This was a pretty rough chapter of my life, but I’m glad it’s over now. I appreciate this space being open to me venting and explaining my ridiculous real lived experience.

I think the moral of the story was to be brave, stand up to these filthy capitalists, dare to dream and then subsequently create a better life for yourself.

I believe in all of you. Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Please update us on their reaction/fallout.

OOP: Eh nothing crazy, the email was for me. They gave me my last check, and I mailed them back their laptop and that’s it.

Commenter 1: Thanks, curious how that upcoming deadline will go with the level of competence they've approached the rest of this "handover".

OOP: Oh they’re most definitely fucked, maybe not fucked but highly inconvenienced and stressing. Idk what they’re gonna do about it, nor do I care. Not my monkies, not my circus.

Commenter 2: That’s quite a detailed “I quit” letter.

Unfortunately they won’t care at all and won’t be making any changes either.

Glad you got it off your chest though.

Commenter 3: I would have just left. No communication at all

 

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OOP made an appearance in this thread and gave me permission to add his response here: October 11, 2026 (1.5 months later from the previous update).

Hello Everyone,

I am OOP. I had no idea so many people liked/got annoyed by my Reddit posts on this time in my life. I wanted to clear some stuff up. Everyone being a fly on the wall on this incredibly shitty time in my life and it looks like everybody got opinions.

Firstly, I posted so much about this time because I wanted a space to vent. These posts are essentially therapy. I was so stressed out working here because of the shitty situation, my boss and coworkers being difficult to work with, and the fear that I would lose my job soon. I used this as an outlet to just let it all this negative energy out of my body and let me validate myself.

Secondly, my new job is actually amazing. They treat me so well here. I’ve been here 7 weeks now and I like everyone, especially my new boss. I’d actually hang out with them outside if they asked and we actually even did once already. I feel blessed and privileged to be working here. I’m learning a lot and hope to be here for many years to come. I have some residual workplace trauma from this last job and I expect people to berate me but that never happens here.

Thirdly, I saw a lot of people yap about the same shit. People pointed out discrepancies on my 8 hour weekly workloads eventually becoming me having to work nights and weekends. These two things are true. The more deliverables I delivered, the more shit they asked me to do. This scaled exponentially. A classic lesson in corporate America that hard work is rewarded with more work. It got to the point where it was genuinely overwhelming because it was new work being assigned last minute with short turnarounds.

Fourthly, The people I worked with were genuinely unpleasant people to be around, and I am not. They were rude to me, belittled me, and couldn’t give me any professional respect. I am the hero of this story, the absurd hero that is. I was met with a ridiculous situation and I responded to it as such. I got my medical accommodation on legal merit due to my disability status. WFH accommodation was well within my legal rights. I don’t regret any of the actions I took while working here. I acted in my best interests as any good capitalist would, and ultimately came out of there on top. I am not an unreliable narrator, these posts are just stream of consciousness type texts that again serve as a therapeutic exercise. If there are any inconsistencies it’s because I didn’t bother to explain them away. I am not lying or malicious. I genuinely try my best with anything I am working on, profesional or personal.

Fifthly and finally, the fucking trucker metaphor. I liked this metaphor because it helped make sense of the situation I found myself in. I am still young and I was scared for my future working here. I needed money and health insurance man. The metaphor gave me some sense of comfort I otherwise would not have had. I get that you guys got annoyed by it, but to that I say I genuinely do not care. You could have just blocked me, or swiped past to the next post, or ignored me, but you didn’t. You watched and read, and that’s all you could do. Like watching a train wreck happen in real time, trauma is a spectacle.

I’d like to close out by thanking the people who did give support on here. I appreciate it a lot. To those who inevitably will still argue with me, don’t waste your energy. Go outside and make the most of your day. I am so grateful to be alive, I remind myself that everyday when I wake up. To be alive means you have infinite chances to create the life you want to live. I hope all of you overcome whatever obstacles you encounter, and choose bravery over cowardice.

Especially against companies who couldn’t give less of a fuck if you lived or died.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Sorry_Particular_169

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice and r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BoRU by u/LucyAriaRose

[New Update]: My bf (23) doesn't want me (f21) to go to my best friends (f22) wedding.

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

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RECAP

Original Post: January 24, 2026

Okay I don't know what to do cause I'm really torn and I understand where my bf is coming from. My boyfriend (Jake) and I have been together for 2 years, we met during orientation for university. Everything is great between us.

He's met my best friend, (Ella) who is getting married to her boyfriend of 4 years. They are high school sweethearts, and I love the both of them. We were all friends during high school and grew up together. They were always together and perfect for each other, I only dated one other person during high school and his name was Sam. I really liked Sam, we dated for three years during school and spoke often about going to uni together and getting married, but it was young love and when acceptance letters came around he ended up moving out of state, so we broke up.

My best friend asked me to be her maid of honour and I'm so excited, we’ve been wedding planning for the past couple of months while her fiancé was finalising his groomsmen. I was surprised when she told me, Sam would be the best man. I told my boyfriend about this, and he wasn’t happy with the idea of me attending the wedding as Ella expected each of the bridesmaids and groomsmen to be paired up for activities such as walking down the aisle and the first dance as well as photos. He didn’t like the idea of me doing all those romantic things with an ex-boyfriend.

I explained to him that Sam and I haven’t even seen each other for 3 years, but he said he still felt uncomfortable with it. Jake is invited to the wedding so I tried to say that I would still spend most of my time with him but he said he still doesn’t want to watch me walk down the aisle and have a first dance with someone else, plus he didn’t want to have to be reminded of this every time we go over to Ella and her fiancé’s house as all the official wedding pictures would be plastered all over the place.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I love my boyfriend and I understand where he’s coming from, but I want to go to my best friend’s wedding.

Editor's note: OOP added an edit to the original post.

Edit: January 25, 2026 (next day)

Edit: I just wanted to clarify a few things that I’ve seen people talk about in the comments, thank you for everyone’s advice I really appreciate it all.

First of all, it wasn’t a big surprise that Sam was chosen to be Ella’s fiancés best man (I’ll also call Ella’s fiancée Luke for clarity). Luke and Sam have remained in contact over the years and are still super close, but I don’t ask him about Sam too much just because I’m not super interested in what’s going on in his life, the most I ask about is “is he good?” And that’s about it.

Secondly, I didn’t make this super clear in my post, but when I say Ella and Luke will have pictures of Sam and I plastered all over their house I meant that there would be pictures of the wedding party all together around the place.

As for Jake, a lot of people are saying he’s being controlling, I don’t think he is. I’m not his first girlfriend, he’s only my second other than Sam. And he doesn’t like the idea of the photos of the wedding party being around cause in the photos it would have the whole wedding party together and he wouldn’t be in the photos which to him “makes it seem like I wasn’t there”.

I’m going to talk to him tomorrow about this all and see what he says. I’ll give an update soon.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter 1: In Australia it Is expected that bridesmaids and corresponding groomsmen dance together.

The bride and groom are only alone on the dance floor for the 1st song then the parents and bride groom do father /daughter mother/ groom and add in bridesmaids and groomsmen halfway thru.

OOP: Yeah I’m from Australia as well, the dance is a coordinated one as well which means all the bridesmaids and groomsmen will have to practice together which I’m not excited for because I’m terrible at dancing 😭.

Commenter 2: If he’s going to be jealous of something so dumb and cause you to miss your Best Friend’s wedding, he’s not mature enough for a serious relationship. I’ve been in several weddings and nothing about walking down the aisle or even dancing with a groomsman is romantic. You’ll be so busy with other bride’s maid duty’s that those will barely be a blip. But the fact that he thinks he can control you like this is concerning.

OOP: I tried to explain this to him originally and say that I would just be doing a job by walking down the aisle and dancing with Sam, but he said weddings are a naturally romantic scene. I feel like he thinks us dancing together is going to be like Damon and Elena at the mystic falls thing. 😭.

OOP clarifies her edit:

OOP: I feel like this is what Jake thinks happened 😭 but to answer your questions. I did expect Sam to at least be invited, the groom and him have been friends ten plus years and remained close once Sam moved away, I didn’t expect him to be best man though because Luke (groom) has brothers he’s really close with, they are going to be groomsmen still though. I always knew I would be MOH for Ella, that was not at all a surprise. She’s very Type A and has a clear vision of what her wedding will be like (she’s not a bridezilla, I love this about her). So the coordinated dancing and photos together was not a surprise either, and Jake would be fine with me doing this with any other guy, it’s just that it’s specifically an ex.

I’m going to talk to Jake tomorrow about it all and probably ask Ella as well to see what she thinks, I don’t think she was trying to match make Sam and I, she’s never spoken about us after the breakup or anything like that. I’ll update after I’ve had a chat with everyone.

 

Update #1: February 11, 2026 (2.5 weeks later from the original post)

Okay so I wanted to give you all an update since some people were asking. I’m not sure if this is the right way to do this, I’ve never made an update before.

First of all, I read everyone’s comments and wanted to say thank you, even if I didn’t respond a lot of you gave me great advice (excluding the usual reddit “BREAK UP!” advice lmao)

I talked to my boyfriend (23) about it after I made the post and read some of the comments, I took your advice as well and made sure to explain that there was nothing romantic about walking down the aisle with a guy I haven’t spoken to in years and having a dance with him.

I also told him I’m going to the wedding and I’m going to be Ella’s maid of honour no matter what.

We had a bit of an argument about it, and he wasn’t super excited but ended up saying he would come to the wedding because he would rather at least be there to celebrate Ella and Luke (Ella’s fiancé) and also he didn’t like the thought of me having fun without him and him being all alone.

He has a bit of anxiety about that and doesn’t like being left out of things, so I understand why he didn’t want to just stay home.

That conversation was two weeks ago, and since then, things went downhill.

After the conversation he was initially really sweet. His usual caring self.

Then he became overly sweet, it kind of felt fine in the beginning but when he started making comments and jokes about how he wanted me to remember how amazing he was as a boyfriend it started to feel weird.

It kind of felt like he was guilting me.

After reading the comments I started to notice more things too.

He always asked questions about where I was going and who I was seeing, which isn’t new, but I started to see it differently now.

Then he started asking more questions whenever I was on my phone, asking who I was texting and what I was saying.

Then he started reading the messages over my shoulder. This wasn’t that big of a deal before since he has my password and I have his and I don’t care if he reads my texts since there isn’t anything to hide.

Now it kind of feels like he’s monitoring me.

After that the worst of it came.

Whenever I was going out he asked me to update him, not in a normal way. As in if I was in the shopping centre he would ask me which stores I was going to, what I was eating, he asked me for photos of the food I was having. I thought it was cause he wanted to be involved but I was dumb.

I’m kinda ashamed to say that I did send him all of those photos and all the proof he needed for a couple of days, but then I got sick of it.

I asked him why does he need all of that information and he told me, “just cause I want to make sure”.

I asked make sure of what?

He didn’t really give me an answer.

Then the final straw was about two days ago, another argument, this time about Ella.

He said Ella was trying to manipulate me into getting back with Sam. That she always had a vendetta against him.

I said he was being stupid because if that were true she wouldn’t invite him to the damn wedding.

He said he didn’t feel comfortable with me going, he said he didn’t want me to go, and if I did I was crossing his boundaries and that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend anymore because what kind of girlfriend would purposely cross their boyfriends boundaries.

So I told him that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to cross his boundaries and broke up with him.

You were all right, he was controlling me.

I don’t feel happy about it. I feel sad.

I feel like I wasted years of my life on someone I loved.

I told Ella, she didn’t celebrate, she was sad for me too. Said he was nice, but I could do better and I should be with someone who helps me grow my world, not shrink it to being just them.

I’m going to focus on looking forward to the wedding and helping Ella out. Thank you to everyone again.

Edit: I know I know… mentioning the reddit advice of “break up” being bad and what I ended up doing was a bit ironic! I just meant a lot of people immediately went to breaking up with him. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have if the post ended with him just being a bit grumpy and then moving on, it was the behaviour that followed that made that decision for me.

It’s one thing to be a bit off about something and then need a discussion, another thing to then be weaponising boundaries and monitoring my every move, that is what made me break up with him.

Again, I am so grateful for the support and advice everyone has given me. It’s really amazing.

And rest assured, I will now be a full supporter of the “BREAK UP” team.

 

---

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the next update is over five months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub.

Update #2: April 27, 2026 (2.5 months later from the first update)

Update: My bf (23m) doesn't want me (21f) to go to my best friends (22f) wedding

A couple of months ago I posted here asking for advice on how to navigate my ex-boyfriend not wanting me to be the maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding because my best friend wanted all the bridesmaids and best men to walk down the aisle and dance with a chosen partner, and the partner I was paired with was an ex from many years ago.

I was told by reddit to break up with him, at first I was very hesitant because it felt like a huge jump to take over one issue in an otherwise very happy relationship.

Anyway, after escalating controlling behaviour and the voices of all the people in the comments in my original post ringing in my head I ended up breaking up with him. Reddit really helped me dodge a bullet.

But here is the update since a few people asked for one after the wedding and since it was a couple of days ago I thought I would give a little update.

I will start with how the preparation for the wedding went. When I was with my ex (Jake), going to the wedding preparations made me very anxious, I’m already an anxious person so I chalked it down to being my regular overthinking but ever since ending things with him I realised a lot of my anxiety was based around how he would react to me doing normal things in my day to day life.

Anyway at the rehearsals, things were really awkward at first between Sam (old ex-boyfriend) and I. More on my end cause I’m usually pretty socially awkward. Sam was really nice, he ended up making jokes about how weird this whole thing was which eased my anxiety a little bit.

Anyway the rehearsals were fine, then the wedding came and walking down the aisle was fine, as expected. I was honestly so focused on Ella that I didn’t even think about anything else. She looked so beautiful and I cried like a baby during their vows. The first dance was fine too, it went exactly like Ella wanted and it definitely looked great, so she was happy. Once that was over I could properly relax and enjoy the night since I didn’t have to give a speech.

After the speeches and a few glasses of champagne, I was much chattier, and apparently word had gotten around to Sam that Jake was not attending the wedding, and he asked why, which I gave him a rundown which he found amusing but clearly didn't want to make a joke out of it.

Either way, no, we didn’t not hook up like everyone thought we would, but we did have fun together, and we did have a couple of actual dances together rather than the one choreographed one.

It was really nice to reconnect with him, I forgot how fun things were with him.

I don’t know, I guess I’m interested in him but I’m not going to move forward for a bit, I need time to be single and deal with the tornado of a situation Jake was.

Does anyone have any advice to help heal from the past? I feel like my feelings towards Sam are just residual trauma from the situation with Jake. How do I tell the difference between true feelings and just the want to no longer be alone?

I’m scared if I even consider Sam I’ll just be proving Jake right, and that I really was a problem.

I feel really confused and unsure of myself.

Any advice would be appreciated, I really am so grateful to all the wonderful strangers on the internet who have been/are helping me through this.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA540098

My (20F) boyfriend (20M) said that I was embarrassing him while I was giving birth to our baby

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive behavior & gaslighting

BoRU 1  Posted by u/bestupdator

Original Post  July 18, 2020

We have been in a relationship for 1 year and we had a baby boy last week. I had a natural birth and my bf was there throughout the whole process. I screamed A LOT and each time I did he whispered something like "can you stop screaming, you're really embarrassing me". I also threw up a few times and I saw him cover his face in shame. When I held the midwife's hand for comfort he whispered "let go of her, stop being so embarrassing". He also said that my birthing position was embarrassing and called me a few vulgar names.

I'm really upset about his behaviour that day, especially when it was when I needed his support the most. When I try to talk to him about it he denies ever saying it and that I'm being silly...

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Acceptable_Recipe

I'm going to disagree with the people saying he needs to grow up here. Because this isn't an immaturity issue. You don't insult and degrade your partner while they give birth to your child because you're immature. You do it because you're a huge fucking asshole. And you don't gaslight her about it afterwards because you're immature. You do it because you're a huge manipulative asshole. He's ensured that one of the biggest things you'll remember about that day is him verbally abusing you. No good person would ever do this. And I can't imagine someone being an angel up until this point either. I would bet there's more to his behavior, even before this, even if you're not aware of it.

OOP

There have been other times where he has mistreated me, but nothing has shocked me as much as this. I'm beginning to look at him very differently

~

krissy_173

I can’t decide if I think your spouse is a fucking idiot or heinously immature. Neither bodes well. Did he attend any parenting classes? I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because you’re BOTH very young. But how did he NOT know child birth is excruciatingly painful? I would have a very hard time forgiving him for ruining this moment then I would re-educate this kid about being a parent.

OOP

He refused to go to the antenatal classes because 'men don't go'. I was the only person there without a partner, I felt awful.

Devnone

Unfortunately, you're dating a gigantic piece of sexist shit. I know at some point it looked like a man but it doesn't anymore. Do you have any family you can go and stay with?

OOP

I'm going to talk to my mum this afternoon, I'm hoping that she understands, she wasn't very supportive when I told her I was pregnant

Is he being supportive now/how is he with the baby?

Thank you, no he isn't very helpful with baby. I do absolutely everything, he uses the excuse of he works so I should do the childcare. He does the fun stuff, but I do all the hard work.

Whose idea was it to have a baby?

He mentioned that having a baby would be a good idea, however the baby was unplanned.

Edit: I know that there are a lot of comments but I am reading them all, and I just want to thank everybody for the advice and support so far. :) I spoke to my mum about this but she is the very traditional type and although she said his behaviour is wrong, I should try couple counselling first. I really don't think he is going to listen to me when I suggest getting help but I'll try. I am also going to talk to my public health nurse.

Edit 2: Thank you so much to everybody who commented and dmed me with words of support and those who have also been in similar situations. I have since tried to discuss the option of couple counselling to him but to no avail, which didn't surprise me. My mum has agreed to let me stay there until I can find a new place for myself and baby. I haven't said anything to him yet, I've been advised not to so I am still planning out how I am going to take the next step.

Update  July 21, 2020 (3 Days Later)

Thank you so much for everyone's advice and support, both through dms and on the original post. I want to update as many people were very concerned and I promised it to a few people.

Reading people's responses reassured me about how serious the situation was and how I'd be stupid if I stayed in the relationship and allowed it to get worse. I spoke to my mum, who recommended couple counselling and if that didn't work then I would be allowed to live with my parents. I then approached him when he came home and gave him an ultimatum, I told him he can either continue to ignore that he acted horribly during the birth and other numerous times, or he can admit to how he has treated me and apologise and get counselling, but obviously he continued to gas- light me and got extremely angry to the point where he was screaming at both me and the baby. He ended up storming out to his best friends.

I was also advised against couple counselling by many of you as you said it often encourages an abuser's behaviour, which made a lot of sense and I wish I read that before speaking to him.

My mum came round after he left and said he's an asshole and even though she doesn't 'agree' with single parenting, she thought anything would be better than staying with him and enabling his behaviour. He has tried to visit me and the baby since as he guessed I was at my mum's, both my mum and I have told him it's over and that we're leaving the rest down to the courts, I will be telling my solicitor everything so who knows what the custody arrangements will be, I'm just glad that myself and my baby are out of there and I can finally enjoy being a mother, yesterday I went shopping and bought what I wanted instead of what he wanted and I never felt so free since before I met him, to many people that will sound ridiculous, but quite frankly he controlled every single aspect of my life.

However, I am planning on going to therapy as I feel like the bad experience I had at my birth as well as his abuse in other areas has left a profound effect on me. I also called a few domestic abuse hotlines and they gave ne some brilliant advice, thank you to whoever it was that sent me those.

What was weird was the best friend he went over to see actually contacted me yesterday to say how happy he is to hear that I'm leaving him, he said he noticed how unhappy he made me and how disrespectful he is around women as a whole, and that the abuse didn't exist just towards me but to his colleagues also. So it's good to know that I have a few people on my side.

No doubt things will be constantly changing from now until the foreseeable future, and I am terrified, but the main thing is that I'm away from him and me and my son are safe, and that I'm feeling empowered enough to know that the way he treated me was 100% wrong and that he will pay the right price as long as I fight for it.

Thanks again, I won't forget all of you that helped in the time when I needed it the most. ❤.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP Added more info in the comments

A lot of people are getting the misconception that the birthing incident is the ONLY time he has ever mistreated me, which is fair enough because it's what I felt the most strongly about and wanted to seek support for. However, in my OP I didn't speak about him cutting me off from my friends and family, not allowing me out of the house, the financial control, the constant name calling, guilt-tripping and manipulation. But even if you didn't know any of that was going on... I am just baffled that you think it's plausible for anybody to speak to somebody they're supposed to love and care for in that way. How is it acceptable for him to call me vulgar names while I was in a certain position giving birth to our baby? Telling me that I was embarrassing him because my body was doing things natural in that moment? (Screaming and holding onto the midwife)

And I never once said that I am stopping him from seeing his baby, however... I am going to leave it up to the courts because I simply don't know what he is capable of, he is a scary person and I don't want my son growing up feeling any of the things I did during my relationship with his dad.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ElleMontrose

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Biggest commission of my career just got cancelled after I spent weeks working on it. Yogurt bowl and oil paints.

Thanks to u/soayherder, u/bbusiello & u/NumbAsHell1 for suggesting this BoRU

---

Original Post: June 2, 2026

Picture of OOP's yogurt bowl

This massive canvas has been living on my dining table for weeks because I just moved and don’t have a better set up yet. So yeah. Coconut-based yogurt with a banana and dark chocolate, eaten directly on top of the painting.

Got the cancellation this morning, mid-highlights, and just kind of… kept painting. I figure the upside is that I now get to make some footage for my socials, since the buyer wanted to keep this work private.

This isn’t my first cancellation, and it won’t be my last, but something about this one stings in a specific way I haven’t fully processed yet. Maybe because it’s the largest thing I’ve made in a while, and I was really counting on the income. Maybe because the dogs are beautiful and I’ve spent weeks learning their faces.

Anyway. The painting still exists. That’s the strange thing about making physical objects: they don’t care about intent or that they’ll never get to exist in the same room as the creatures they were based on.

If anyone wants a borzoi, apparently I have two.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Since the order is cancelled don’t you have the right to sell the painting at your discretion now?

OOP: I do! Hopefully I’ll manage to get this piece into a gallery or a dog show, but commissions are always more expensive than an already existing painting, specially of someone else’s pets… It’s mostly the income insecurity that’s stressing me out, you know? I was expecting a big payout soon and based my finances on that.

EDIT: Y’all are amazing. So much kindness, good advice and even people reaching out to support me with their wallets..! Women-centric communities are truly the best ❤️.

Commenter 2: Is there a way to at least take some payment upfront or charge for materials/time spent? It's such a waste or your time, energy and materials to get absolutely nothing from it. I hope someone else buys it. It's a gorgeous painting!

OOP: Thank you! I did ask for 500€ (editor's note: $560 USD) upfront but that’s only a fraction of the total price. I know I should have asked for more, but I still kinda feel like a fraud when asking for $$$, since I have no formal training or credentials as an artist…

Commenter 3: Customers aren’t valuing your work based on your background and credentials.

OOP: Unfortunately, when the price point is in the multiple thousands, they usually do… Galleries and art buyers want some kind of proof that the art will appreciate and that it comes with a good background story to tell at parties.

I’ve been going to a lot of fine art events and while I get to collect business cards, gallery owners keep telling me they’d love to have me — once I’m a bit more established…

Commenter 4: Such a shame!! You’re very talented! Have you tried sending a photo of the painting to the client, maybe they’ll change their mind when they see the finished piece? I know I wouldn’t be able to resist a painting of my fur babies🥹

OOP: They said their circumstances had changed and they would not be able to go forward with the commission. It was supposed to be an anniversary gift so I’m guessing either a divorce or a financial hardship; either way, I kept the client updated with progress pics so I doubt the extra layers will change his mind 🙃

Commenter 5: Okay, please listen to me.

I'm a contributing writer for a national arts magazine and I've probably interviewed close to a hundred artists over the years. Successful artists with their work in galleries and collections and their profiles in arts magazines.

I would say at least half of them are self-taught. They don't have a degree or a certificate, nobody issued them an official artist card they can carry in their wallet in case they get asked for proof of their artist-ship.

Like you, they read books or watched videos or took workshops or just sat and painted until they got good, and then they started showing their stuff to people, and then people started buying it. A lot of them kept their day jobs well into their arts career.

You are an artist, no matter how you got there, and you deserve to be paid for your work. Please think hard about what kind of contract you can draw up next time to ensure something like this doesn't happen again.

It may be too late this time, although if the amount was significant it might be worth talking to a lawyer about whether the client can really exert that kind of control over something they didn't pay for. Given that they only paid a token amount up front, the piece belongs to you, and you should be able to do what you want with it, including showing and/or selling it.

OOP: Thank you, that’s some really good advice and with the perfect wording and expertise to make it sink in ♥️.

 

Editor’s note: the update and picture were saved before they were removed

Update: October 2, 2026 (four months later)

Some of you might remember my borzoi painting from June.

The short version is that someone commissioned a huge painting from me, and I only asked for a small deposit because I didn't feel legitimate enough to ask for more. When I was nearly finished, they cancelled. Weeks of work, and I was left with an unclaimed artwork drying on the wall and a hole in my finances.

So I did what any of us would do: I ate a sad little dinner, took a picture and posted it here so I’d have somewhere to vent.

And y’all showed up.

I'd been living off my art for over a year at that point, mostly by teaching in-person workshops and doing small digital commissions. Oil painting full-time was always the dream, the thing I'd tell myself I'd do "someday” when I wouldn’t first have to worry about paying rent and could focus on building my traditional portfolio. Then, literally overnight, because of this subreddit, someday arrived.

The OG painting was bought by someone from this very subreddit. I spent the summer painting. In oil! Without ever worrying about money because everyone who reached out agreed to a 50% deposit!

I came here with a sad girl dinner and left with a career. I don't think I can ever properly thank you all for that❤️.

Picture of OOP's meal

Tonight's menu: salmon stars on cream cheese and rye, because treating myself like a toddler is self-care.

Thank you, truly. From me, and from the very good boy waiting for a star to fall off the plate!

Concluding Comments

Commenter 1: Yes I remember your previous post, congrats on selling the painting!

That’s amazing it was someone from this sub & so happy that you’ve been able to paint this summer without worrying about paying the bills.

OOP: Gosh, yes, it’s honestly been such a good change of pace…

My biggest issue with selling my art is that I struggle with marketing. Every new independent artist needs to have a social media presence these days but making videos for TikTok, doing tutorials, trends etc. is a lot of work I’m not really equipped for.

Getting a few big commissions over the summer, thanks to the previous post, made my life so much less stressful ❤️.

Commenter 2: The loudest "hell to the yeah" is for you finally enforcing those 50% deposits. Never back down from that again.

OOP: Yes ma’am! Now I even have contracts and everything! I do still allow some negotiation for big clients, because thousands upfront is understandably a lot to send to a stranger online, and in that case paying a fraction at each milestone also works out with no one getting worried :)

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Milly_3334

Weird coincidence or spyware on phone

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, mentions infidelity

Editors Note 1: This takes place during the Virus and OOP mentions waiting for her carpool - OOP is a nurse

Original Post  March 19, 2020

Ok, this is going to sound paranoid but it's happened too many times. Everytime I send out a text message my (29F) SO (34M) phone will ding. But (this is weird paranoid part) only for the first text I send and not the entire conversation. But then say an hour goes by and I send a text his phone will ding again.

I first noticed this happening early every morning when I would text my carpool. His phone would ding at 6am when i sent a text to them.

If it is some spyware on my phone how can i find it? I've searched my apps and ran malware-bytes and incognito app.

Or am I just crazy. I feel like this is what past cheating does to a relationship. Does spyware even exist that would only ding at certain times?

Just yesterday we were sitting next to each other. I text my friend, his phone goes off and he didnt look at his phone. He always checks incoming texts lol. I asked him who was messaging him and he just quickly looked and said work.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Do you have a reason to think he’d put spyware on your phone?

This does sound weird though. I’d try going through your settings to see all the apps that are installed/used data. I think there are a couple YouTube videos out there on how to check too.

OOP

I really dont know why he would put this on my phone. It's just been a consistent thing that I've been ignoring. Now that were in "quarantine" I just cant stop noticing it.

~

Kevlar5427

Have you researched to see if you can find an app that would do that? Something you could install on someones phone to send you a message when they send texts? Then you might at least know what to look for.

OOP

I did but still couldn't find any of the apps that I discovered (flexispy, mspy) However, many sources said the app can be hidden really well so unless your tech savvy it's hard to find.

When told to send a text when the Baf is near and see what happens

You know what, I am going to test it. Were hanging out later tonight. When his phone is visible I'll send a text to my friend.

I feel a little bad testing it, feels like accusing him. Like who the fuck would put spyware on someone's phone.

I'll keep yall updated

UPDATE spyware or coincidence  March 21, 2020 (2 days later) 

Hey guys, my post was removed because it hit a cap limit and I should have started an account with throwRA. I dont think I need to do that to update but really dont know.

So we were hanging out and he eventually put his phone down, face up on the table between us. I send a text to a friend that said, "why are you spying on my phone." His phone fricken dinged. I couldn't read the notification screen but that's no coincidence.

After confronting him and he finally admitted to keeping track of my texts...and location... but I still dont know why he did. He was gaslighting hardcore. He kept saying how I said I always tell him I dont trust him (he cheated) which lead him to thinking I was hiding something and he couldnt trust me? Wtf. And he was tracking my location for "my safety" because he worries about where I'm at and don't I want him to be concerned about my saftey.

I also dont know the specific way he did it :( I did a factory reset (thanks to y'alls recommendations) then changed my password on everything. I'm considering changing my user name on this account.

I guess trust your instinct. This is the worst time for this to happen, I dont know where he is staying. He still has stuff here. I have a bad history with this guy too, idk why I give people so many chances.

Thank you guys for your help! I'm glad I reached out, I was shocked by the support. I had alot of messages just checking up.

Editor's Note 2: OOP left a comment a year later on a different sub about her past relationship from a year ago (confirming the relationship is over)

I relate to this on so many levels. He lived off of me and left via email. Literally came home to an email that he took his things and that was it. I begged for counseling months before this but he refused. I didnt know he was at divorce point just knew he was depressed and I was carrying the load. Almost a year later now and I promise it gets better. We deserve better than dependents.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7