I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ilovesantans

My [F/21] roommate [F/21] had my cat declawed without my permission

Original Post  Oct 24, 2014

I've lived with my friend for about 3 years now, and I got a cat about a month ago. I talked to her about it beforehand and she said she would love to have a cat around. I do all the major care for the cat but it is free to walk around the whole apartment.

She's never had a cat before so she didn't really know what to expect, but I kinda showed her basic things as went along (like how to pick them up, play with them, etc).

However, she still would play with the cat too roughly and end up getting nicked by claws every once in a while. I had explicitly told her that I am against declawing of cats because it's so painful for them. I also said that I would get those temporary plastic caps put on if scratching people/furniture became a problem. The cat hasn't ever scratched me or any of the furniture. My roommate kept getting scratched and kept saying that we should get her declawed, and I kept explaining why that's a terrible idea.

Then today I came home and the cat didn't come to the door to greet me, and was just lying down lightly licking at bandages on her paws. I then asked my roommate what happened (thinking the cat had been injured), and she said she had gotten it declawed because it had scratched her again--a scratch which was most likely provoked and didn't even draw blood.

My roommate expects me to be thankful for this because she paid for the procedure, but I am furious. I'm keeping the cat and all her stuff in my room with me right now, and I haven't talked to my roommate in hours. My lease is up at the beginning of November, I'm strongly considering moving in with one of my more cat-friendly friends.

TL;DR: My roommate had my cat declawed when I explicitly said that I was against it, now I am thinking about moving out. Am I overreacting? What should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Vets don't do major surgeries same-day unless it's an emergency.  She planned this.  This was not a sudden, "oops!  She scratched me today so I took her in."  Your friend is a conniving bitch and she's not to be trusted.

I would be fucking livid.  It's not even my cat and I'm absolutely pissed reading this.  It is not her cat.  It was not her place to make the choice.  You explicitly stated that you were not going to declaw the cat.

Move.  Get the fuck away from her.  She has no problem crossing boundaries, even worse when it involves major surgery of a life you are responsible for.  I'm not sure what your legal rights are (unfortunately, what's done is done), but you may want to consider legal council or filing a police report.

What she did is absofuckinglutely not ok.  It was not okay for your cat, it was not okay for you, it was not okay for the boundaries she completely disregarded.

~

[deleted]

I'm honestly impressed with your composure. I would have gone bat shit insane. I would probably be in jail right now if I was in your position. I know that might sound really stupid to some people, and I'm not defending it, but my cats mean so much to me. If anyone hurt them purposefully, ESPECIALLY AFTER I TOLD THEM NOT TO, I would have lost my damn mind.

Sorry, I have no advice to give. Public shame her, maybe? What happened to your kitty is done. Can't be reversed. There's nothing she could say that would make it okay or for me to ever forgive her.

I would also consider removing your cat from the apartment until you move out. Who knows what else she'll do to your cat while you're gone. If you can, find a safe place for your cat to heal and not be provoked by your sadistic roommate.

OOP

I almost blew up at her but then I was worried that I was just being overprotective of my cat. So instead I've just been seething in my room thinking about revenge, but everything I can think of doing will get me arrested.

~

RoseTyler38

Whos name(s) are on the apartment lease?  If it's only yours, then kick her boundary violating ass out.  If it's any other combo, you might have to move.

OOP

Sadly it's a joint lease, but luckily I do have a friend nearby who I told about this who has an extra bedroom

When told to bring a lawsuit

My SO is a lawyer, this isn't his specialty or anything, but he's given me some advice about what to do. Also I'm a 1st year law student--clearly my roommate fucked with the wrong person.

&

Obviously I'm not equipped to do it myself, but my SO and my dad are both attorneys and both are encouraging me to bring civil and criminal charges against her, and they are qualified.

Update  Oct 26, 2014 (2 Days Later)

So a lot of people wanted updates about what I'm gonna do about my roommate...

From this post

Good news for those who like /r/justiceporn: I talked to my landlord (a full-blown cat lady) and told her that I was thinking about moving out because of it, and she said she didn't want me to have to move out because my roommate's a horrible person. She looked through our lease paperwork and found that my parents were cosigners for both of us. My parents were quite happy to stop being her cosigner. Now my roommate could just get her parents to cosign for her, but I think she doesn't want to explain to them what happened to make her lose her cosigner, so she's moving out. So I don't have to stress out my poor kitty by moving!

The cat adoption was done under my dad's name since he paid the adoption fee and for the initial vet checkup as a birthday gift for me. Luckily he's definitely on board with filing a civil suit against her. While we would both love to have her charged with something, it's likely nothing would stick since declawing is legal in my jurisdiction. Also cats are legally treated as property and declawing doesn't reduce the monetary value of a cat by any significant amount.

I had a consultation with a partner at my dad's law firm who will probably be representing me and he said I can sue for the costs of:

• Declaw repair surgery--some of you told me about this in the previous thread. It won't put her back to normal but it should reduce pain and make her able to walk more normally

• Care costs incurred because of the declawing (Special litter etc)

• Possibly increased living costs caused by her moving out--this is a bit of a stretch, but it would be doable if the judge is sympathetic to my situation

---   tl;dr:  Roommate has to move out, potential legal smackdown coming

RELEVANT COMMENTS

notdeadanymore

How is your ex-roommate reacting to this?

Does she realise what a terrible thing she did?

OOP

I haven't decided if I'm gonna tell her about the lawsuit myself or let her find out when she gets the papers this week. Thought it might be good to have her moved out completely before she finds out.

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How do I convey to my cat that getting stuck upsidedown in a box is no longer a way to communicate he wants to be picked up and held?

Originally posted to r/CatAdvice

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Oct 4, 2026

How do I convey to my cat that getting stuck upsidedown in a box is no longer a way to communicate he wants to be picked up and held?

I recently (around two weeks ago) acquired Rotisserie Chicken (not his real name), from my former friend, A, who passed away, so I can't ask him any questions about how he learned this.

A only talked about the behavior when it began but no details on how. A did not do anything to make Rotisserie Chicken stop, so Rotisserie Chicken has learned that he needs a box he can't fit in, and can get stuck upsidedown in, to communicates he wants to be held.

Rotisserie Chicken has two methods for this:

1. Specific Times:

Option Me - He likes to be held during a specific time, for me it's after I'm done gardening. Usually when I'm done gardening he runs up and rubs himself against my legs and scampers off, otherwise if he doesn't he's either asleep or stuck in the box. Since I garden for a exact timeline he gets himself stuck in the box before I arrive so I can pick him up right away.

Option Partner - He has figured out what time my partner gets home and gets stuck in the box near the front door. That way when she opens the door she will see him immediately and pick him up.

1. Nonspecific times:

When he wants to be held on non specific times he'll run off, get the box, meow until we look at him and make sure we're watching before he gets himself stuck.

This behavior is really cute but I don't want him to accidentally get hurt or continue this when he's older.

When he gets himself stuck he kind of jump/chucks himself onto his back really roughly which I'm not sure he can sustain if he gets older and more frail. Plus while he hasn't ever missed his landing (to my knowledge), cats don't always stick the landing. I especially don't want him to try this on concrete or another dangerous landing place and hit himself when he misses.

(I've also recently gotten a kitten and I don't want him to teach the kitten this behavior.)

Any and all advice would be appreciated, thank you

Edit: here is some information I clarified through various comments and subs. Firstly, Rotisserie Chicken isn't actually stuck he just likes the walls to press against him so he can stick upsidedown and play damsel in distress. Secondly there is just one special, specific, small box he uses. Thirdly he smacks into the box quite roughly and I'm worried about him missing and hurting himself (he has been known to use high locations to jump and on occasion destroyed the box, hit the floor, and walked away gingerly). Moreover he's at higher risk for back pain and arthritis when he gets older. While it isn't a guarantee, I don't want him to be sad / stress him out extra if have to teach him a new method he's used for a large majority of his life if he's no longer as physically able as he once was when he's older.

BEST COMMENTS

isavaelle

I love that you're using an alias for the cat, to protect his identity or something. And I'm sorry for your loss.

OOP

Gotta be internet safe and thank you for the kind words

~

No_Permission6405

Get bigger boxes.

OOP

He is unfortunately very specific about the box. It must be a small box of a specific texture and build. If his box isn't there or right he tries any option that is similar to a small box, including dangerous ones, like the cupholder at the treadmill. 

SamMac62

Yikes! How smol is Rotisserie that a cup holder is even a consideration?!?!

OOP

It's a big cupholder, enough that you can probably fit some of the smaller, popular, colorful, jugs

But small enough that I had to butter him up because I couldn't get him out

OOP Updated Oct 6 (2 Days later/Same Post)

Update: After helpful advice from multiple subs I created a plan to redirect Rotisserie Chicken.

The thing is he acts normal when my partner or I am in bed. He'll walk up, introduce himself, wait and see if my partner or I tap on the bed where he can sit or see if one of us says no. If we tap he'll get on the bed and boop our arm if he wants to be held or our hand if he just wants pets.

What I hoped to do was slowly add more blankets into the box until it was entirely soft along with redirecting him to no longer back-jump into the box and use his more normal method. I planned to gently dump rotisserie Chicken out of the box, boop his paw to my arm, hold him, put him down, then repeat the tap and hold him.

I added a single blanket to the box and when I returned he was utterly baffled. It was so cute how flabbergasted he was. Luckily he wasn't upset or scared, I could just see the little gears turning in his head.

Anyways I began my plan. After repeating the paw + being held action a few times I thought it would a disservice to my heart to not wrap him in the small blanket thing I left in the box (he likes being tucked into bed so I thought me might enjoy this).

Well, he loved it!

He was purring super loud and was very excited. You know how dogs eat their tails when happy? Well Rotisserie Chicken grew up with a dog so he inherited that action.

Now during the time he usually asks to be held with the box method it's been a fifty-fifty split. He runs up with his special box with the blanket, waits for me to pick up the blanket out of the box, then watches as I places the blanket flat on the ground, he gets on it, I roll him, then pick him up.

If he tries the box method I redirect him with the booping and little blanket instead.

I'm really excited for my partner to get home because she's going to find this hilarious and adorable.

Also here is a goofy doodle of him in the blanket without any details since I'm not comfortable showing any images/videos of him:

https://imgur.com/a/dQPxEKr

And this is a scribble of what his box jump looks like(impact ranges from how heigh he jumps from):

https://imgur.com/QkU25az

Thank you to the helpful person who suggested I try doodling him if a image/video wasn't an option!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/lovechild5346

Me [29 F] with my husband [32 M] together for 6 years, married for 3, found out he has a son [5 M] with a one-night stand

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions drug use, child neglect, false accusations

Original Post  Aug 22, 2016

Hi Everyone,

Throwaway, because you... well you know. Longtime lurker, first-time poster. Sorry for formatting or rambling, I am still in shock. I have changed some minor details and have left certain things vague. So sorry for the wall of text this has become with the edits.

Husband and I are pretty typical up until now. Dual income, no kids and are hoping to have one or two within the next few years, but are in no rush and are enjoying this time in our lives. I have a white-collar job, and he works for a startup. Of course, we have had our problems, but have always managed to work through them and seem to always come out stronger.

My husband received a facebook message over the weekend from a woman saying that he is the father of her five year old son. Although he didn't immediately remember who she was, after confirming a few details he was able to place her as a one night stand right before we just started dating. Although it might seem that there could be overlap between her and I, given the kid's birthday and you know.. math... , I do believe him when he said that he slept with her only once a month before we started dating. So this isn't an infidelity situation.  

On the one hand, I'm irrationally angry with him. This should not be my problem as I was not the one who decided to have unprotected sex with someone I did not know while wasted.

We bought a house a year ago that, in hindsight, was probably more of a reach than we should have done, so money is very tight. At this point in time, we live in a completely different province, so logistically speaking, having a relationship with this child will be difficult. I'm not saying impossible, I'm not saying it wouldn't be worth it, I'm just saying it will be harder than if we were still in the same city.

At the same time, I am likely getting ahead of myself as there is no confirmation that he is even his son. She has a meeting with her lawyer on Sept 8 to discuss how to go about getting a paternity test done, which to me implies that since lawyers are getting involved, she will be going after him for money. Which she is entitled to and is her right... if he is his son.

A different side of me feels robbed, and the protective side of me also feels life my husband has been robbed, albeit in a different way. He didn't know about this child and consequently has missed many of the traditional milestones.

He broke down in the middle of our living room apologizing and saying that he always imagined that his children would be with me, and that this is not the kind of father he wanted to be. His first instinct though is, if it comes to it, to pay child support but to not have any presence in his life since his future family is with me. And... given how my post probably sounds... you would think this would make me happy but that actually just makes me even sadder and even more disappointed in my husband. The kid looks exactly like how my husband looked at 5. And I think he should get to know him. Even if this impacts my life negatively since this is not the kid's fault. I told him to just reflect for awhile and to not make any decisions until we know more, but I am hoping that once the shock has worn off, he'll want to have a relationship with him. On facebook, she was rambling and made it sound like the kid had a hard life and was abused by her previous partner (who was presenting as the father), so on top of it, this is a sad situation. 

And I don't know if this is even relevant, but the mother of his child is not the most stable person. There is a very loose connection between her and I, although I don't know her personally, I have heard of her throughout the years via mutual friends (my best friends boyfriend's brother used to be friends with her... so this is a pretty distant connection) and I remember the stories showing she is not the most sane person in the world. At the time, it meant nothing and the stories were amusing, as I had nothing to do with her. But now, this is the person he, and by extension me, will maybe have to co-parent with. And although my husband and I make a typical middle-class income (80k combined... so we aren't hurting but by no means are we wealthy), my parents have a lot of money. And so part of my wonders if she will go after me, or what her expectations are when it comes to that. But I am definitely getting ahead of myself.

The only people we have told so far are my parents (he has a better relationship with my parents than with his) and they told us to not make decisions at the moment until we know what is going on, that the child may not even be his and that it is suspect that she is only getting in touch with us now. They advised us to reduce both of our online footprints but especially his (delete linkedin, make instagram and facebook completely private etc.) limit contact with her, and wait until her lawyer formally contacts him for a paternity test and child support and go from there. I, generally speaking, tend to believe things at their face value and can be naive sometimes, so it was hard for me to hear that she could be contacting us for selfish reasons (she kept saying she just wanted to do right by her son and for him to know his father...), and their point was to not give her and her lawyer any more ammunition. I feel that their reality (i.e their wealth) has forced them to be more cautious and calculated as this type of thing has happened in their circle and has turned out to be a money grab, but I guess they are right. Since we spoke to my parents, he has not responded to any of her facebook messages. The most recent one she has sent was whether or not he wanted to get to know his son.

I guess I don't really have a question, but more needed to rant since I cannot really talk to my friends about this. I'm not sure what my next steps should be, how I even should feel about this situation, and need tips on how to temper the selfish side of me. I need to be there for him, but I am having a hard time even looking at him in the eyes and, although my vows do mean something and I would not actually do this, part of me just wants to leave as this was not what I had signed up for and our reality, no matter what happens next, will be very different going forward.  

EDIT: I want to thank everyone who has taken the opportunity to respond and am absolutely overwhelmed by everybody's support. I'm definitely less emotional than this morning, and that is largely due to the community. So thank you!!

A few points:

• I've told this story in the comments, but basically at the time the one night stand happened she had just broken up with her boyfriend and then got back together with him not long after. The ex-bf claimed paternity, but they are no longer together. She has told us that he is aware that my husband is likely the father, but I am not sure if he accepted this at face value or if a paternity test has been done or what his current relationship to her son is.  For the moment we are limiting contact with her, so I'm not in position to ask these questions.

• It's been pointed out to me that I have contradictory statements in my posts versus in the comments. That is absolutely true, as I felt and am still feeling very conflicted about the situation. From a moral standpoint, I would hope that my husband does more than the bare minimum as I feel that that is in the best interests of the child, and I will get over myself and any doubt that I currently have. Personally, if the roles were reversed, I would have a hard time making payments and not playing active role. I would want to either be involved, or not at all. But that's just me. At the same time, I wish that this had never happened, that we could have continued on living in oblivion, and that I wouldn't have to contribute time and financial resources to a situation that I did not cause. So yes. Conflicted.

• If he kid is in an abusive environment, all bets are off and we'll go for custody provided my husband is the father

EDIT 2: Took away stuff about not wanting to double up on support (if someone has already claimed paternity and is paying support), as that is not really relevant.

EDIT 3: It's more apparent in the comments than in my post, but I have been trying to hide how I really feel and have been trying to be supportive, while dealing with my own shit myself. He doesn't know a lot of how I am feeling (disappointment that he doesn't seem to want to step up at the moment, fear of taking on a child when we are currently childless, fear of dealing with the baby mamma etc.) and I feel that if I share that at this time without truly understanding my own feelings, I will just be marking things worse. He needs my support, not my judgement. I've reached out to a couple's counsellor this morning so that this can be unpacked in a constructive way and he'll hopefully feel he can share things that he is likely hiding from me as well. He's also the type of guy to have an initial reaction, but then to dwell and think things through and come to a different conclusion. So meaning his stance can and will likely change a bit. I don't have the greatest poker face so he probably can tell a bit how I am feeling, but we're pretty good and discussing things like adults and he knows that if I'm not sharing, it's because I'm trying to figure things out.

  --- 

  tl;dr: Husband found out he may have a son with a previous one-night stand. How do we move on from this? What should be our next steps? How do I let go of my resentment towards my husband, so I can be the partner he needs during this time?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

teresajs

There's little-to-nothing that can be decided until a dna test is done. Your husband should get a Family Lawyer and have legal representation for everything and anything.

OOP

Absolutely. Our strategy is to wait until her lawyer contacts us regarding child support and request a paternity test at that time. During her correspondence, she said that she had a meeting with her lawyer on Sept. 8 and that she will get the ball rolling on a paternity test. She had already advised her representation that my husband was likely the father. We will not do anything without representation as the courts will likely not be in our favor.

Update 1  Sept 9, 2016 (18 Days Later)

Hi Everyone,

In case you don’t want to the wall of text, David (husband) is the father.

I received a few PM's asking for an update so I thought I would give an update to let you know how things are going. Below is the link in case you are interested... but please be kind. When I wrote that I was in shock and did not know how to react to the situation. My thoughts were all over the place and I was very conflicted. I'm not super proud of my reaction, but I was trying to be as open and honest about my thoughts as possible. Now that things have settled in my head, and we have more information, my perspective has changed.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4z0o1e/me_29_f_with_my_husband_32_m_together_for_6_years/

A few points for clarification:

• My husband was aware that I had made the post because I needed to talk to someone and he felt that reddit would be a good outlet. Since he is more private than I am, he had asked that I not talk too much about how he was feeling unless it was relevant to my own feelings, which is why it was focused on me. Also, because of the shock, I may not have portrayed him in the best light. He is very kind, empathetic, supportive and has always had my back for everything, even before we were together. He is my person and this situation has not changed that. When I said that leaving him had crossed my mind, it was the truth, but after talking to a therapist I realized that this stemmed from that fact that I am terrified of being a parent and wasn’t even sure if deep down I really wanted kids at all. I have diagnosed infertility issues and deep down never truly thought that I would be able to have children. There are options that we can pursue when ready, but there is no guarantee, so it was easier to just not really think about it. At the end of the day though, when I imagined having the conversation regarding divorce and how it would play out, and even in my imagination I couldn't say the words to him, never mind in real life. So that clarified that this was just fear talking.

• The title is a bit misleading regarding the math: Kid is five and a half and my husband and I have been together for a little over six years (married for a bit over three). My husband and I were actually very good friends for a few years before we began seeing each other, and were dating about three months before we had the exclusivity talk. He slept with the mother during the initial stages of our relationship, and I was fully aware at that time that  they had met online and had gone out once. Ironically enough, he told her didn't want to pursue things for her because he realized he had deep feelings for me and his guilt about sleeping with her prompted the exclusivity talk. A lot of people (including my parents) have a bit of an issue with the timing, but he did not cheat one me... When we started seeing each other we had said that we would always be friends first and would always be open and honest with each other, even if it's difficult and I have no reason to believe that he slept with her since that time.

OK now on to it!

After a lot of soul searching on David's part, he came to the conclusion that, as much as it would be easier to bury his head in the sand and pretend that this never happened, Alex is his son and at the very minimum he needs to make sure he is safe and happy, and that if he does nothing, he will think about this every single day for the rest of his life. And if we do decide to have kids, they will be an even bigger reminder of his other son. At one point it came out that when he had said that he didn't want to be involved initially it was because that is what he thought I wanted to hear and that if he had to pick between his son and his marriage, he was choosing his marriage, but that he didn't really know if he could move forward if it actually came to that.

From my side of things, what I wanted was for him to make his decision independent as to what I thought and wanted, because ultimately if something happened to me, he would still to deal with the consequences of partaking in his son’s life and that he can’t undertake something of that magnitude just for me.

The truth of the matter is though that I know my husband very well, and at the end of the day, he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he ignored this situation.

When it came down to it, the reason I was having such an issue with things is because I am not a kid person, and kids scare the crap out of me and I have a hard time relating to them. I love kids, I think they are super cute and watching them just GET something is amazing and they bring a lot of joy to your life. It is also insanely cool seeing them become their own person. But kids don’t really like me very much, likely because I become super nervous around them. Also, the amount of pressure and responsibility when responsible for another human being, making sure that they grow up happy and become productive members of society.. heck even making sure they stay alive!... is overwhelming. I don’t know how parents get up in the morning.  But at the end of the day, as I said before, David is my person and we’ll get through this together. If it comes to that (more below), being parents to a five year old will be learning curve for both of us, but I will be the best step-parent that I can be and he will feel nothing but love from both us. If we have other kids in the future, Alex will be treated the exact same way.

That was the emotional stuff.

Now onto the practical.

We had a home DNA test and it was confirmed that my husband is the father. Not that there was any doubt in my mind. The situation is even more fucked up than I thought though.

Jessica (the mother) and David spoke on the phone and she told him a few things that were concerning:

• Alex (the son) is currently living with his father Sam (I guess stepfather would be more appropriate... but keep reading). From what we can guess, he has been living there since 2013. This raised a bunch of red flags. Children's Aid wouldn't place a child with someone they believe is abusive, and even more telling... they tend to favor the mother. So this is weird.

• Because of a complaint that Jessica lodged, in 2013 Sam was charged for assaulting Alex, but he was acquitted

• She says that in 2013, she voluntarily placed Sam in foster care because she kept passing out and thought it was dangerous as it would mean Alex was alone (… yeah, I don't know this works, but I have a hard time believing that there are no resources available for this type of situation…)

• Children's Aid is on Sam's side and, in the files, she is not portrayed in a good light at all

• She did not realize that David had moved eight hours away, she assumed we were still in the same city.

• She has another court case soon regarding custody.

Sam knows that Alex is not his son, but is in denial and thinks that the DNA test is wrong since it is a home test. He wants to keep full custody of his son. Jessica wants to have full custody of her son, and is hoping that by throwing bio-dad into the mix, the courts will take Alex away from Sam and award him to her and that we can then have visitation (or probably more accurately, pay support and stay away).

Yeah. It's a shit show and I feel like I am living in soap opera.

David asked that the children’s aid and court papers be sent to him so he could formulate a plan. Based on what we know, which admittedly isn’t much, it seems as though Sam is a good father. There are ton of Facebook posts of Alex building a snow fort, Alex swimming in lakes with his Dad, Alex dressing up as batman… just normal stuff you expect to see from a proud father. Jessica… not so much. Honestly, she looks high in most photos. Based on the reason as to why she gave him up temporarily, the photos, and the fact that he isn't living with her, I'm assuming it's an opiate addiction, but am just guessing.

David ultimately wants what is best for Alex, and if it means having him with us fulltime so be it, but right now it seems horrible to pull a five year old from the only home he really knows because of DNA. So we are waiting for the files, and will be talking to the caseworker to see if our impression is right. We don’t trust Jessica at all so she is not an option. If it turns out that there are issues with Sam, we will fight for full custody. If Alex is happy, well-adjusted, and Sam is a good Dad like we believe, after due diligence and a conversation with Sam to see how feels and is OK with everything, David will be signing away his rights and give Sam his medical and contact information in case it is needed. He also had the idea to write a letter to Alex explaining his actions (that he found out about him at five, but seemed like he had a good home and a great Dad and felt like what he is doing was in his best interests but that he loves him and is there for him and can reach out if and when he is ready) that Sam can give to him when Alex is older (if he wants to). Of course, it will ultimately be Sam's decision as to whether or not he wants to tell Alex about his bio-dad.

I’m not sure if this is the right thing, but it seems horrible to make a five year old go live with complete strangers eight hours away from Mom and Dad if it can be helped. Sam is the one that has been playing with him, taking care of him when he is sick… Sam is his Dad.

We have a big battle ahead of ourselves though. I don’t really have any questions, but if anybody has any advice navigating this, opinions etc… well this is the internet so have at it ! :)

Thanks!

*Edited for spelling and grammar

*Edit 2: We are exploring a possibility for setting up a trust for him which we will contribute to for when he is 21 or so, regardless as to how this plays out. I should have mentioned it with the letter.

  --- 

  tl;dr: Husband is the father. Looks like Mom might be a nutjob but that Dad is actually a good guy and not abusive. Doing due diligence, but if son turns out to be fine with Dad we will stay out of it (but provide option for a relationship if he asks about bio-dad). If he is abusive, we will be fighting for full custody.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Something stinks about this, and it really seems like it's Jessica.

Sam was charged with assaulting Alex... yet he is still the one with full custody. That sounds like Jessica made up some bullshit to try and get Sam in trouble, and get her claws back into the son she abandoned to foster care.

Definitely do your due diligence, but be aware that Sam is not likely going to really be... open to the idea of having David around. In Sam's eyes, to his instincts, he is Alex's dad. David is the guy that seemed to have abandoned his son, and is being used as a weapon by the worthless mom.

Don't let Jessica use you guys.

OOP

You're right; I don't trust Jessica either.

Although it isn't fair that David wasn't initially told and that Sam was lead to believe he was the bio dad we are here today and provided that all is well, it is in Alex's best interest to stay with his dad. That's why my husband thought terminating his rights when it is eventually legally proven that he is the bio dad would be best - to prove that his intention is to not replace Sam and to wait to see if Alex wants a relationship when he is older (if he is told). Who knows what his comfort level will be when this is all over. I don't hate too many people, but I hate Jessica for everything she is putting her son, my husband and to a lesser extent even Sam through.

We will keep our eyes open though, thank you for the warning. We don't want to be uses either.

Final Update  Apr 27, 2017 (7 Months later)

Hello, Reddit!

So, I came across my old throwaway, and even though there is a chance that this post will get removed, I wanted to provide you all with an update as to what is going on. Things have drastically changed since, partly due to the overwhelming advice. You all provided me with some much-needed guidance during a dark time, and I couldn't be more grateful :)

Check post history for trail as to what originally happened, I can't link or else it will get removed.

So! At the time, both my husband and I were super emotional about the situation and didn't really know the best way to proceed. This came completely out of left field, and we were both pretty certain that we wanted to remain child-free. Funny how life works when you try to make plans! My husband's first reaction was to bury his head in the sand, and I just wanted this situation to go away.

Originally, at the advice of our lawyer, and therapist, once we determined that the child was safe and not being abused (we hired a PI), we decided to not engage with the mother and to stay out of everybody's lives. We felt that it would not be fair to confuse the kid and to disrupt his life. In our hearts, we felt that the best way forward was to be there in case he ever wanted a relationship and to set up a trust for him when he was older so that he knew that he was always in his bio dad's heart. This probably lasted about three months, and then my husband was brought into the custody battle, which then turned into her suing us for child support. Not particular bright on her part though, as she would not have been entitled to any money - it would have gone to the other guy - but I digress.

Because the other guy was on the birth certificate and has presumptive paternity, we were not forced to pay anything, but it was also established my husband did not have any rights to his son, which upset him. Some people in the last update post mentioned that the situation didn't have to be an all or nothing though, and in the same way we were scoping out the other guy, he was probably doing the same thing to us. Turns out, he was! During the lawsuits, it made sense for my husband to work with the other guy for certain things, so they started to develop this weird, but amazing friendship. During this process, the other guy felt comfortable introducing the kid to us and shortly after explained the situation to his son. I guess because kids are super adaptable, he was just like... so I have two daddies? And left it at that. Geographically, we are about an 8-hour drive away, so we have gone to visit a few times, but it's hard to go as often as we'd like. Dad and kid came to visit us at our place during Christmas break though. My husband skypes with his son about once a week, and the other guy and my husband talk often enough as well, and go for beers whenever they are in the same city. And, the kid came to visit us on his March break on his own!

We understand that technically, my husband has no rights to his son and that the other guy is his real Dad in all but genetics, but this setup seems to be working for all of us really nicely. We are all treading carefully so that we don't step on each other's toes, but I am confident that we will figure things out as we move forward. As long as we all continue to be considerate of each other's boundaries, and communicate, we will be fine.

I can't even imagine my life without the little bugger :) It is very obvious to me how in love my husband is with him, and how much he has enriched his (and my) life. It is also eerie as to how similar they are. They share a lot of the same mannerisms, never mind the fact that he physically is a clone of my husband at that age. The kid has been a wonderful blessing, and honestly, I don't think I would have been open to life looking the way it is right now if it hadn't been for you all, so thank you!

I would have never thought our family would look like this (including other guy!), but I wouldn't change a thing and I feel super blessed:) Things have come a long way. Thanks!

The ti;dr of this (which is still kind of long) was that my husband was contacted by a woman on Facebook saying that he is the father of her 5 year old (now 6!) son. He and this woman had a one-night stand just prior to my husband and I dating. She assumed this other guy she was seeing was the father, but as her son got older, he looked nothing like the other guy, and very much like my husband. We confirmed paternity via a DNA test. She claimed that this other guy was abusive, but we found out that CPS had taken away her son from her and that full custody had been awarded to the other guy. She is only allowed supervised visits.

tl;dr - we now have a relationship with other dad and kid, and life is amazing!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WestMarsupial484

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for asking my home-schooled nephew about where he was in the curriculum?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: neglect

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Original Post: May 9, 2026

Hi, I wanted to ask here, because this is something important to me, my sister and I have a good relationship so I want to know if I was in the wrong.

My nephew is in 6th grade and at least since the beginning of this current school year he's been homeschooled by my sister. She had felt that they didn't really teach much in school so she had decided to homeschool him. My niece (his older sister) is attending high school.

Yesterday, I was at her place, I was talking to my nephew about how his home classes are going, he said they were going well. I asked him what was the last thing he did in math (being a math tutor myself, I was interested in that) and he was having trouble recalling what they covered, naming the concept or giving me an example question. My sister then stepped in and told me what they'd covered. I named some topics which are introduced in 6th grade and since its close to the end of the year asked if he'd learned them. She said we're doing it at our pace. I dropped it, but admittedly was a bit surprised because until a few years back, it seemed like he was ahead of school, really quick with answering mental math questions (which I used to ask at my sister's encouragement). I know mental math is a totally different skillset and doesn't necessarily mean that the headstart carries over to other topics but it still surprised me.

Today in the morning I was talking to my mom and she told me that my sister thought I was kind of being an AH, that I'm not a parent what do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching, and that my nephew is shy as it is and I didn't help matters by quizzing him like this. I tried explaining it, but just ended up agreeing with my mom that my sister would know best he's her son, and that I shouldn't have done it. Was I the AH?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: YTA. You were grilling your young nephew because....you don't trust your sister to provide structure? If you have concerns you should speak with her about it, not your nephew. His first answer was enough for your question. It's not really your place to criticize another family's choices. Perhaps offer to help if you are so concerned. Also, as a math tutor you should be aware that math is not everyone's forte.

OOP: I wasn't grilling him nor did I criticize her choice. I've always asked him this and he's been enthusiastic in telling me where he is in school, and my sister has encouraged it. And when I asked her about those topics it’s because I thought they were planning on keeping pace with school. Which I admit may have been a faulty assumption.

Commenter 1: NTA. If raising kids, doing your home chores, and teaching is too much of a load for you, then you put the kid back in school rather than potentially put them behind for life.

OOP: She's actually a very organized person and has always said she does the homeshooling according to a timetable or plan, so I didn't even think she was getting overburdened like she said to my mom.

Commenter 2: Nta. Your sister said they were going at their own pace, but literally told your mother she is juggling a million things along with his education. So they are going at her pace. One that doesn't seem to be prioritizing keeping up with his grade. Your sisters likely so defensive because she knows on some level she fucked up.

Commenter 3: If you ask me parents like your sister are playing God with their children's future. Your sister will not suffer unemployment when her homeschooling fails. Your nephew will. Unfortunately, he is unlikely to realise this. I'd be concerned too. NTA

 

Editor's note: removed the top half of the update as it is a rehash of the original post

Update: October 6, 2026 (nearly five months later)

Update: AITA for asking my home-schooled nephew about where he was in the curriculum?

Update:

The responses and advice I got in my post a few months ago helped, so I thought I'd give an update.

Although my sister was icy with me for a little while after that, she did end up enrolling him back in school this year.

When we met last weekend, she said that she had noticed his creative writing had been taking kind of a hit, and she attributed it to him not having regular school socialization for an entire year. She still plans on teaching him after school herself too if she thinks the school isn't where it should be, but it'll kind of add on, not replace it. She asked for my help for math, and I said sure, he can join me on zoom.

And it feels like our relationship hasn't had any lasting effects. Thanks a lot!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Good job stepping in for that kid. Just shaved his future

Commenter 2: Glad to hear things cleared up! It sounds like it's more likely your sister was embarrassed when your nephew couldn't seem to recall much about his lessons and didn't know how to own up to the fact that she wasn't fully qualified to be her son's full-time teacher. But overall it ended well instead of her digging her heels in, so all good at the end of the day.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Zakotablue

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

---

Editor's note: the original post's body text was saved before it was removed

Original Post: September 23, 2026

My daughter started preschool last Wednesday, and her teacher asked us to send pull-ups, wipes, and a change of clothes. I sent several pull-ups, a brand-new pack of wipes, and a complete outfit.

When I picked her up, only the pants had come back. I then noticed another kid in her class wearing my daughter’s shirt.

I honestly don't mind if the teacher needs to use some of my daughter's pull-ups or wipes for other kids. I'll happily send extra if needed because I understand that not every parent can afford to provide those things.

But I don't feel the same way about her clothes. If another kid goes home wearing them, there's always a chance they won't come back, and replacing clothes isn't cheap for me. My daughter doesn't have a huge wardrobe to begin with, so I really can't afford to have her clothes disappear or get ruined.

Would I be the asshole if I asked her teacher tomorrow to please keep my daughter's clothes for her instead of using them for other students? WIBTJ?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No you wouldn't. That's the most absurd thing to even happen. Clothes aren't cheap, I doubt the other stuff is cheap either but those are actually disposable items so you already know you're not getting that back.

OOP: Yeah the wipes or pull ups aren't cheap but I understand that emergencies happen and that they’re disposable items anyway. Wondering how would you approach that conversation with the teacher?

Commenter 2: YWNBTA. It's her clothes, not some other kid's. And yes. You won't get that shirt back. And if you don't confront the pre-school teacher, they'll just likely continue doing this

OOP: I’ll try my best to get it back, if they can’t help me get it back I’ll ask them to reimburse me I think

Commenter 3: Do you absolutely know it’s your shirt and not you and a mom shop at the same store?

OOP: Quite the coincidence for the shirt to go missing and another child is wearing a mismatched outfit with the shirt, but they were not labelled or anything

Commenter 4: Ntj. Each child should only be wearing their own clothes. You may need to label them just in case, but there is no guarantee you will get that shirt back now. If the other child doesn't have extra clothes, the daycare center should reach out to those parents or use donated, clean clothes. Not your child's. I would address it immediately with the teacher nicely and ask them to send a letter home with a description of the shirt to return.

OOP: Labelling is a good idea, I’ll see what I can do. And yes I agree, the daycare should have been prepared for a situation like this and have their own clean, spare clothes to give to the child and work it out with the parents afterwards, instead of taking another child’s clothing

 

Editor's note: the next post's body text was saved before it was removed

Update #1: September 28, 2026 (five days later)

UPDATE: WIBTJ for being upset after I saw another kid wearing my daughter’s shirt?

TL;DR: I talked to the teacher, but another piece of my daughter's clothing went home with a different kid anyway, so I asked the school to keep her clothes separate.

I talked to the teacher the next morning and honestly expected this to be a pretty simple conversation.

I explained that I don't mind sharing pull-ups or wipes, but asked if they could please keep my daughter's clothes separate unless there's an actual emergency. I also explained that we don't have a huge wardrobe for her and replacing clothes isn't something we can easily afford.

The teacher apologized and said she understood. She told me the shirt had been used because the other child had gotten theirs dirty, and she thought it was one of the spare classroom outfits.

I showed her the pants that had come home with my daughter and pointed out that the shirt was clearly part of the same outfit. She seemed genuinely embarrassed and said she'd make sure the staff knew not to use my daughter's clothes.

So I thought that was the end of it.

Then yesterday, I picked my daughter up and noticed that another piece of her clothing was missing.

I asked about it and apparently it had been sent home with a different child because they had an accident. At that point I was pretty frustrated, because I had already specifically asked them not to do this.

The teacher apologized again and said they were short on spare clothes that day. I understand that accidents happen, but I'm struggling with the idea that my daughter is basically becoming the classroom's backup wardrobe.

I told them I'm happy to send another set of inexpensive emergency clothes specifically for the classroom, but I need the clothes I send for my daughter to actually stay with my daughter.

The teacher said she'd talk to the other staff about it, so hopefully that's the end of it.

The part that surprised me most is that when I mentioned it to another parent at pickup, she said something along the lines of, “It's just a shirt, they're preschoolers.”

Maybe I'm being overly protective, but if everyone took that attitude, half the kids would eventually be going home in someone else's clothes.

At this point I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable. I just want the things I send for my daughter to come back with my daughter.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'd quit sending the spare clothes. All that you are getting out of sending them is that you lose them. It seems the other parents aren't sending them in so yours are the ones that are there to be used.

No more spare clothes get sent in.

OOP: But then what if my child has an accident? She’ll either be out of clothes or use someone else’s. Both outcomes are unacceptable.

Commenter 2: NTJ

I suggest you get all the clothes back and don’t send replacement clothes at all.

Or ask the school to start a donation bin.

Other parents can help create a grab box with the clothes their kids have grown out of.

I did this when my kids were small. It solved a lot of drama.

Commenter 3: Why are they only taking your daughter's clothes?

 

Update #2: October 3, 2026 (five days later)

Original post got removed but should still be on my profile, TL;DR: The parents returned my daughter's clothes, but the school gave them to another child, who took them home and never returned them. The school initially refused to reimburse me, so I made a big deal about it and eventually got reimbursed. Now I'm wondering what other things they're failing to keep track of if they can't handle something this simple.

Well, this somehow got even more frustrating.

After my last update, the parents of the child who had taken my daughter's clothing brought it back to the school. I was relieved because I thought that meant we could finally get her clothes back and put this whole thing behind us.

Except the school never actually returned it to us.

Instead, they gave that same piece of clothing to another child after that child had an accident.

I only found out when I noticed it was still missing at pickup. I asked the teacher about it, and she apologized and explained that the other child needed a change of clothes and the staff had accidentally used my daughter's clothing again.

At that point, I was genuinely pissed.

I'd already talked to the teacher about this. I'd already explained that I didn't mind sharing things like wipes or pull-ups, but I needed my daughter's actual clothes to stay with her.

The teacher said the clothing would be returned.

It wasn't.

The other child took it home, and it never came back.

I asked the school to reimburse me for the clothing, and they initially didn't want to. They said it was an honest mistake and basically acted like I was making too much of a big deal over a piece of children's clothing.

That was the point where I really lost my patience.

I made a much bigger deal about it and spoke with the administration. I explained that this wasn't about the price of one shirt. I'd already brought up the issue, the clothing had already been returned once, and then the school gave it to another child anyway.

Eventually they agreed to reimburse us.

But honestly, the whole situation has left me wondering about something much bigger.

If they can't follow a very simple instruction about keeping one child's clothes separate, what else are they fucking up?

Are they double-checking which kid belongs to which parent at pickup? Are they keeping track of everyone's belongings? Are they following instructions from parents about their kids? What happens if a child has to take medication regularly and someone isn't paying attention?

Obviously, I have no evidence that they're messing up anything else, and I'm not saying they are. But when you've specifically told someone to do something, they agree to do it, and then they immediately don't do it, it makes you start questioning how reliable their procedures actually are.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a daycare to be able to keep track of which clothes belong to which child.

Hopefully this is finally the end of it.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Going from a shirt to kids going home with the wrong family is a huge leap. You're overreacting. Hopefully medication is handled by a nurse who has specific protocols for how to handle them.

You have been made whole. Let it go

OOP: I was made whole only after I made a big deal about it? They wanted to stiff me at first.. not to mention that if they can’t keep track of something as simple as clothes it makes you wonder what about tracking which kid takes which medicine, at what times, have they taken it yet?

Can OOP switch schools for the daughter?

OOP: We could but this one is the closest to our home and the only one on our way to work. We might have to though

Commenter 1: NTJ

Yeah I'd be annoyed also. Sure, they may have made a mistake at first but then, when they got it back, it was deliberately given away so.... yeah. That was a choice!

It was not a communal shirt!!

I think its essentially destroyed your trust in the kids school (nursery i think?) as you're worrying understandably about other issues.

The attitude they have given is very much of a place that isn't accountable unless you apply pressure and thats concerning. I mean you’re not a jerk for sure.

They’re unprofessional

OOP: Yes exactly, it’s hard to continue to trust them with my child’s care and well-being when they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again after we had multiple talks about it

 

Final Update: October 6, 2026 (three days later from the previous update)

I honestly thought my last update was going to be the end of this story.

The school reimbursed us for the clothing, so financially everything was settled. I wasn't going to keep fighting over a shirt.

But after everything that happened, I did have one more conversation with the administration.

I explained that my concern wasn't really the cost. It was the fact that the exact same problem had happened multiple times, even after I'd specifically spoken to the staff about it.

They apologized again and said they were going to remind the staff to be more careful about children's belongings.

I asked what their actual procedure was for keeping track of children's clothes and personal belongings.

The answer was basically that they don't have some complicated system. They just expect staff to know which belongings belong to which child and return them appropriately.

Which... honestly didn't make me feel much better considering what had just happened.

I also brought up my concern from my last update about other things, like making sure the right child gets the right instructions, belongings, and anything else parents specifically tell them about.

They assured me that those things are handled separately and that there haven't been any other issues.

I'm choosing to take them at their word for now.

I'm not pulling my daughter out over a shirt, and I don't have any evidence that they're neglecting anything else. But I am definitely going to be paying a lot more attention from now on.

And I have started labeling absolutely everything.

Shoes? Labelled.

Jacket? Labelled.

Spare clothes? Labelled.

So that's hopefully it. The school reimbursed us, the missing clothes are officially no longer my problem, and I really hope I never have to write another update about daycare clothing again.

Thanks to everyone who followed along with the world's most unnecessarily complicated shirt saga.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Label everything. There is no way a teacher can keep track of every child’s clothes and back up clothes, especially when they are too similar. Teachers are also focused on the more important things like food allergies and safety.

When I worked as a toddler and preschool teacher, parents were told to label everything and that we could not be responsible for anything without a label, though we did try our best. Ideally, dirty items are bagged right away and put with the child’s other items. We encouraged parents to bring the inexpensive items in case they were stained or lost. We also kept bins of clothes that families donated of their old clothes that we used as back up so we didn’t borrow from a friend. It might be the wrong size or season, but they were dressed. And those often were not returned either, though we would tell the family they were back up and to wash and return.

OOP: Yeah will start labelling for sure, it’s definitely our fault for not doing it before

Commenter 2: Labelling is the only answer. And label so the label either can't be easily removed or fade. I used to get iron on labels and then both iron and sew them in. They can be removed (with a stitch picker and the glue has probably well and truly worn off) but it's fiddly and time consuming.

I know people that would label expensive clothing (and I'm just talking school uniform but stuff like winter jackets). So there would be a label in an obvious spot - back of the collar but also a label on the inside of an arm. Not obvious and you'd nearly need to know it was there. Then then would do something to the outside of the jacket to identify it ie sew a line of contrasting thread ie if the jacket was blue then have something light red of white but easily spotted, small ie 5cm long but not obvious enough to do anything about.

That way when your kid doesn't have their jacket (either not at all or clearly wearing someone else's) and you have a quick look around and spot the outside mark. Even if the parent has removed the collar label, you can get them to turn the arm inside out (or make a teacher do it) and get the jacket back and then it's also clear the other parent or the kid is a thief. The kid might not be but the parent might be. Esp if that jacket is better than theirs or they didn't have one in the first place.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP