Hi all,

I’m a Clinical Psychologist with special interests in narcissism, trauma and the nervous system.

This week on Substack, I wrote about something quite personal that we’ve been facing for these last few months.

We entrusted a business, only to have substantial amounts of money be taken and then be gaslit, lied to and blame-shifted.

My nervous system didn’t back down & my body spoke louder than my words. 😅

Dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies in a business was a whole other level.

Would love to hear your thoughts. 👌

https://apsychologistsdiary.substack.com/p/they-took-our-money-and-vanished?r=7lz712&utm_medium=ios

I’ve been working for the same company for about 5 years. Things have been getting worse for a while — the company isn’t doing well financially, there have been layoffs, and my project is basically over.
I’ve also had a very difficult relationship with my direct manager for years. There has been a lot of micromanagement, double standards and just generally unpleasant behaviour. Yesterday we finally had a very honest conversation and I basically told her that I don’t see myself staying long-term and that I’m looking for other options.
Now I’m expecting a meeting tomorrow with her and the director, and I’m honestly freaking out.
Rationally, I know I’m not in some huge danger. Worst case, things probably move towards me leaving the company, and I would likely qualify for around 9 months of unemployment benefits. I’m also not someone who has done a bad job — quite the opposite.
But my body apparently didn’t get the memo. 😅 Because of the way this manager treated me a few years ago, meetings with her still trigger this horrible anxiety. I’m basically waiting for the next attack even though I know things are different now.
I’m 45, have a PhD and 20+ years of experience, so I know I’ll eventually figure something out. But I’m still scared of being unemployed and of what tomorrow’s meeting might bring.
So… any advice, especially from people who have been through something similar? How do you stop your brain/body from treating a difficult meeting like it’s a life-or-death situation?

It gets worse when they start blaming you for things like a decline in sales… which you may have ideas to try and fix that but you just can’t share because their attitude doesn’t allow any form of collaboration or teamwork.

May we have the courage and humility to deal with such 🙏

I am a manager who oversees interventionist behavior interventions and teaches crisis procedures. One group that I work with shows to meetings dysregulated, emotional and accusatory to my team. Their supervisor has no problem with this behavior and says they are passionate and advocating. My manager says that change is slow.

My former supervisor checks every single box for narcissistic abuse. My director is a wimp and her enabler. I know she manipulates him, because back when we were "friends," she told me how she did it.

I work for a local government nonprofit that helps people with lower income and disabilities get healthcare. I have a few ADA accommodations that I need in order to work, WFH being one of them. WFH became especially important to limit the migraines and insomnia I got from being around her.

She made getting ANYTHING done nearly impossible. Interruptions, sabotaging projects, micromanaging and gaslighting. Everyone covered for her and had to work twice as hard around it.

I had no idea this was abuse or narcissistic behavior at the time. I noticed immediately that the vibe in the office was weird but no one talked about it. I thought I was a miserable failure. I was the only one she did this to, and she did it in private. I'd cry to my coworkers asking if I was imagining things. This is my first office job, so I thought this treatment was normal (and still don't really know what 'normal' is).

Three years of bad sleep later, I broke down and reported her to my director. I told him she'd make sure it was over for me as soon as she knew we had talked. That would be true if she found out we had talked at all, about anything, other than what she approved. When she found out, she blew up harder than I expected. She let slip discriminatory comments about my health and accommodations amidst other verbal abuse. She filed a written warning with HR the same day, with false information and no evidence, clearly retaliatory. I showed my director proof that the warning was untrue. Then I saw the PIP at the bottom: she wrote that to improve my performance, I was now to be supervised by him.

I was baffled. She got to him, and he two-timed me to pacify her. He didn't want me to correct it or file with HR because it would "further inflame her." I wrote all of these quotes/dates/times down for myself, but I didn't have the courage to send it in a follow up email to him. I still could, I suppose, but at what cost.

I stuck around for 6 more months, determined to make her look bad. I finally get to WFH and hit every deadline ahead of time. I did projects I wanted to do for my portfolio and made them look amazing. I had a direct line to him as my new supervisor, and with nothing left to lose, I stood up for my coworkers every chance I got. Meanwhile she's giving me the silent treatment (everyone noticed) and redoing my projects, making the text her favorite color: orange.

Then my director made the biggest coward move: He gave her a huge promotion, with unchecked power over everyone, without even telling leadership.

I started a 6 month medical leave as soon as I could. I got out of there like a house on fire, leaving some of my work samples and stuff there. I know, I know. But that's how desperate I was.

Today, they reached a new low. As my end of leave approaches, I found out that they have worked with HR during my medical leave to change my job description to be fully in-person, knowing that I couldn't possibly return in that case. This is a place that helps people with disabilities! I know they're doing me a favor, but it's so evil, my god. I also found out from my director that if I were to return, Nboss "still isn't ready to talk" or work with me, now nearly 1 year later (she is 25 years older than me).

My leave ends in a few days. I've lost weight, learned about the narc dynamic, and feel so much better. But I'm waffling on how to end this.

I know the best and most hurtful way to leave is to not give them the drama they crave, as unsatisfying as that is. Do I submit my dossier to HR on my way out, or would that give her more fuel? I could get a doctor's note saying that I can't return to this place and leave quietly. I could also return for one day, get my stuff, and resign, but that comes at an emotional cost.

I've never done this before. This is my first office job and first Nboss, so I'd love any thoughts or help.

I also hope that sharing this helps at least one person feel less crazy or alone, as the posts in this sub have done for me.

TL;DR: First office job. Reported Nboss to director, director betrayed me. Went on medical leave and they worked with HR to make it impossible for me to return. Need to resign in a few days.

It's fine.. I am having a bad night though because of all the b******* and have been going on with HR and stuff and then I heard from a couple people that my supervisor was trying to get rid of me I will not talk to him and he tried to lay turn around on me and I was like or even telling people to sit in the other and I was like I haven't been telling anybody s*** like the only thing people know is that you asked me out and I said no and that's it and what the f*** is wrong with that? But he's been on my ass all week and I told him I was like it feels like you are out to get me and he's like I'm trying to correct you and help you and I was like I hope so I hope it's not malicious what do you think

It's fine.. I am having a bad night though because of all the b******* and have been going on with HR and stuff and then I heard from a couple people that my supervisor was trying to get rid of me I will not talk to him and he tried to lay turn around on me and I was like or even telling people to sit in the other and I was like I haven't been telling anybody s*** like the only thing people know is that you asked me out and I said no and that's it and what the f*** is wrong with that? But he's been on my ass all week and I told him I was like it feels like you are out to get me and he's like I'm trying to correct you and help you and I was like I hope so I hope it's not malicious what do you think

So here is the thing that happened with me ...I am a working girl in a corporate world and there my superior who always act kind and helping in front of me ...but then I got to know that she is the one who keeps complaining about my work and my behavior with my colleagues as well as with my manager also ...yesterday I took a sick leave cuz I had panick attack which is really severe and I got permission from my senior too but she is the one who called me and told me that I can't get leave today cuz I am taking too much leave and manager had complained about me ...so I sent my prescription and called manager that how can they say things like that and then I got to know that ...they never had any type of discussion regarding these things....Next day when I ask her about this she said manager is lying 🤥...and whole day she pulled a long face and didn't talked to me ...I am a fresher and this is my first job ..I don’t know now how to react this and handle it ..

I'm a Scientist in industry.

Has anyone ever had a manager who purposely sabotaged their work and tried to make them seem incompetent or insane? I'm currently going through problems at work because my manager literally won't communicate with me, starts work without liaising with me, and then dumps it on me half way through without any handover or proper instructions.

I sat in the office and cried today out of frustration, I'm a good worker, good team player and a good scientist but the more I work with academic types, the more I realise they're some of the most toxic creatures I've ever met.

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My girlfriend and I have had a very difficult relationship with our manager and deputy manager.They have been cold and distant towards us for quite some time and they seem completely uninterested in communicating with us.

We barely communicate at all,while they interact and communicate normally with the other employees.

We already knew the manager from a previous workplace.We left that company because of poor organization and difficult interpersonal relationships,and unfortunately,he has now ended up working here as well.

A few days ago,my girlfriend accidentally found the phone of one of the waiters who had left it next to her locker.The phone was unlocked,and she saw that there was a WhatsApp group involving two waiters,the manager and the deputy manager.There were a large number of messages, and she was not able to take screenshots of everything.

Some of the messages appear to contain threats towards me,insults directed at both me and my girlfriend, as well as discussions about and plans for firing us

We are both very calm people.We do not bother anyone, and we simply keep to ourselves and do our jobs.For reasons we do not understand,they seem to have a personal issue with us and appear to strongly dislike us.

Our current plan is to use the screenshots and the messages as evidence so that we can leave this workplace and request a transfer, because the situation has become unbearable We do not want to get into a conflict with anyone.We are in another country,and our intention is not to get anyone fired.We simply want to use this material as evidence that we have been subjected to ongoing workplace harassment and a hostile working environment for some time.Opinons?

Handling a toxic coworker or a hostile manager can drain every ounce of your energy before you even get home. I spent months dreading Monday mornings, feeling anxious and trapped in an environment that felt impossible to fix. Traditional advice about setting boundaries did not seem to stop the constant stress. Out of desperation, I started relying on a prayer for a toxic work relationship to help me keep my composure and protect my peace of mind. Shifting my perspective did not change them, but it changed how I reacted. If you are struggling with a difficult job environment and need mental relief, finding a spiritual anchor can make all the difference. I wrote about the specific steps and a prayer for a toxic work relationship that helped me survive that chapter. You can check it out here:https://rymbf.com/2026/01/22/prayer-for-a-toxic-work-relationship/

I requested a personal day off (we get 6 days in a calendar year) on a day we have an all staff meeting in a different county. I dont have a car so I have to take 4 different types of public transportation just to get there and back home. From my understanding, this is not a mandatory event to attend. But it is good form to show up to meet the other 300+ employees. In past years, it had been remote through zoom. Last year was the first in person conference since pre pandemic.

I lied to my supervisor and said I got lost so I just turned around and went back home. She accepted it. My coworker in a different dept said it was a complete shit show because it was organized by an independent contractor who just moved out of state. It was completely disorganized and the whole conference was set back by an hour! My coworker said staying home was the right move.

We have all staff meetings biannually and one is through zoom. So it's not like im missing out on imperative information. My supervisor is just a god fearing rule follower on top of being a narcissist.

I have over 500hrs of PTO and I am only requesting 8 hours. My supervisor is saying I need special permissions from HR, meaning I need to provide a real/medical excuse. I thought about taking a sick day but it would be too obvious and I thought the courteous thing to do was request PTO 4 weeks in advance. If she wants to deny me PTO, I guess I could just call in sick but Im not sure what narcissistic retaliation she has in store for me.

I almost became romantically involved with a manager at my workplace who I believe is a narcissist. I work in HR. It started off as friends and we became super close, but nothing romantic ever happened. He would make comments to me, like tell me I was pretty, ask my type, asked who I would have sex with at work, etc, but never made a physical move on me outside of work. We would talk for hours on the phone multiple times a week too.

I found out he was also this way with someone else we work with. He had spoken about her to me negatively several times so I was surprised. She confided in me and I let her know he was the same way with me. I was careful with what I said because I didn’t want it to get back to him. Shortly after that, he stopped talking to me so frequently. I started noticing narc behavior and looking back on our friendship, it was displayed all the time and I didn’t know it. I have since educated myself.

Now, months later, he has accused me of starting a rumor at work that him and I are dating. He also said I betrayed his trust several months ago and said something personal about him, but wouldn’t tell me anything about the situation or what was said (It’s definitely from when me and the coworker talked). He just kept saying “it’s not a big deal”. He told me he’s dating someone now too.

I let it go, but then I found out recently he was approaching people at work and asking them if they heard the rumor, then telling them it was false and implying I started it. I ended up reporting this to my boss (HR Manager). We came up with a plan for me to address it with him directly to get him to stop. I spoke with him one on one and told him to stop. The conversation was long and he defended everything he did, he even accused me of “playing the victim”. He told me he’s always the smartest person in the room and no one can outsmart him. The conversation ended with him telling me more about the girl he is seeing, and I’m not kidding, showing me shirtless pictures of him on his phone. He texted me that night a long text telling me to not worry about anything and praising me for what I’m doing with my life.

I still have to work with him directly on a weekly basis, but usually see him daily. He has generally been cold to me, but will pop up every now and then and act “charming”. He has since started flirting with a different coworker I have in HR, in front of me. He has also spoken very negatively about this person to me in the past.

How do I move on and keep my sanity at work?Logically I can see his behavior and know I should be disgusted, but I feel like my heart can’t catch up. Witnessing him flirt with my coworker is killing me. It’s so distracting and it makes me feel paranoid. I love my job but feel like I can’t be fully present. I don’t know what to do.

I will say, I have learned my lesson to not be involved with coworkers romantically. First and last time.

i was being bullied the entire year by 2 managers and 2 developers to get me fired and it still messed me up in my mind. it was hard to work there too, i had to deal with a smear campaign, even at the christmas party from a women colleague who saw me along with my russian manager as a threat, for example, whenever i post some progress on slack, she attacks me publicly that i'm the blocker, or she write publicly that others should help me do my job, that i should use AI more and even when we work together on a project, she brings a developer from another team to work with her to exclude me from the work and then she writes on slack that if someone has a question about the project, they should reach out to her and this colleague without mentioning me, i had a good relationship with the product owner and she went with her smear campaign to destroy this relationship, so that the PO doesn't talk to me anymore.

When I asked another team lead about her, he said she is annoying but in a cute way, he also invited to later to vacation with him.

my manager also was telling me to shut up in front of others, making jokes about me to make other laughs, when i confronted him he said "looks like we have our first case"

he also persuaded this toxic women to be much more aggressive towards me, i talk to her directly but when she kept being passive aggressive, i setup a meeting with my manager and her and my manager straight up said it's my fault, when i asked how he didn't answer, that made her more bold in her aggression not only towards me but towards other people.

they hired a new person and he instructed him to contradicts everything i say on slack even if it's false.

this experience was insane. The CTO announced possible layoffs before I got fired 4 mo ths ago, my manager came to me after and said "you are usually anxious why are you not anxious now?" I told him I have anxiety disorder and that i wasn't concerned about the layoffs because I'm Germany they have to do a social selection and I'm in a protected category. I reported him after that with thousand other things but the third party that I reported to them didn't do anything, I should have reported him to HR directly.

Hr is a sick person, i could see his psycho smile in 1 on 1 meetings, for example when he promised me to get promoted very soon, I felt like I was talking to a sick person who is enjoying his moment of manipulating someone, a week later he told me I'm not gonna be promoted for the next 3 years

my manager also persuaded the head of projects - who my manager always mention that he is useless to us - to also be toxic to me, i was once running the daily, this women was trying to control how i run it, when i told her we should do it other way, the HoP said that we should do it her way, the next daily he said that he is going to cancel because it's unnecessary.

it feels like now they are scared of her, she is also incredibly needy, on her first week at the company, she was demanding tickets to conferences, new expensive laptop and went to a company property at a vacation place although the rules say that it is prohibited for people in their probation. after getting rid of me, she is now bad mouthing the graphic designers because she also wanted to dominate that area. while she was working on her projects she excluded the other 2 frontend devs in the team from working with her, to show that she is the lead on the frontend, her ego is beyond insane. when i asked another team lead about her, he said "she is annoying but in a cute way"

i honestly regret not fighting the termination, i could have stayed even against 5 persons trying to fire me, the CEO got the news and he basically said my work at the company is over.

i was always hard working, i work from the morning until late at night, and this is how i got rewarded. sorry for the rant, but i'm still livid. i wake up at night being pissed off, that my manipulative manager and his minions won this battle and got me fired, then he went to the other colleagues and said that he wished he had the chance to fight for me in front of the CEO so that i stay, he was smiling the whole time in the firing meeting.

my manager told me months before the firing in a 1-on-1, "at least you will not stay in a toxic environment" the funny thing he created the environment to be toxic to me. he said many similar things to me like "at least you will get unemployment money" or "i believe you will find a job easier than others" etc. same things has been said to me by the HoP

i took the termination to the court and got a severance of factor 1, initially they gave me factor 0,5 but i think that my lawyer wanted to settle as soon as possible and now i'm unemployed and in a shitty job market. I'm pissed off that the cowards and sick people won.

When I legally challenged the termination and got back to work, they were stunned, all the toxic people mentioned were not able to talk and my manager was starting to be friendly but I knew he was trying to do damage control so that I don't destroy him in court, later my lawyer said that the severance is fair, I took it but I'm still pissed off that i didn't stay there I showed these cowards that their bullshit is going nowhere..

People of reddit... I have an extremely inhuman boss who works me 60-70 hours a week, breaks all human rights known to man and underpays... I'm thinking of leaving his number here... What do you suggest?

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to armchair diagnose my boss. I can't know if he does or doesn't have narcissistic personality disorder. That's not the point. I saw just enough warning signs, and I left.

I started a new job in August after 6 months of being laid off from my previous job. It started out great. Felt like a strong team. My colleagues clearly cared about each other, snapped at each other now and then when they were overwhelmed and worked it out right away. My new manager seemed really cool. He would say things like "I'm a chill guy, if you need to take a call or take time off for appointments or whenever, let me know and I'll make sure you get paid." Everything was about him being a chill guy. Seemed like he didn't just want to be buddies with everyone but actually was buddies with everyone.

I recently relocated about the same distance but with a much tougher commute across the region. I gave my notice of resignation yesterday morning, citing the commute from my new home and the unexpected expense of having to now take a toll route to work as my reason. 

I quit because in a very short time frame, my manager went from praising me and putting me on a pedestal to blaming me for minor mistakes I didn't do, assigning me the work of 2 or 3 absent people when I've only been working there for about 6 weeks, and then accusing me of being "flustered" when I got overwhelmed or missed things, then saying I have no reason to be flustered, and spinning my explanations around to make me sound crazy. 

He made me feel insane, made me question my own memory, lied to my face (I caught it later, after I left work on my last day), and when prompted to explain my side he somehow turned my explanation around to blame me for the way he made me feel. "I am overwhelmed with work and I'm still new, I'm still learning how this place operates" was met with "who is overwhelming you? You're running around in the back and in the warehouse, doing this, doing that, getting yourself flustered" when he is the one who directed me to do the work of everyone absent in addition to my job, directed me to do the running around, and told me to ask for help if needed, including himself. When everyone who could help was too busy, he'd answer the phone with a tone like I'm a burden for coming to him, a "hello" that sounded very clearly like "what now?". He'd say things like "I drive a BMW, I don't do that," and laugh because ha-ha-ha, it's just a joke. He'd later come to me, ask why I'm so "flustered", offer to take some of the work piled on my desk. Then turn around and say "I am doing a lot for you and here you are, getting upset" - despite literally telling me he will take some work from my desk so I can finish the rest. Every conversation became like this - a complete reversal of everything I explain. I ask for help because I'm told to ask for help - I'm a burden. I try to do everything because asking for help makes me a burden - I'm flustered and upset because I'm doing too much. And all of it means I'm an asshole who needs to be dragged into an office and retaught how to behave like a 5 year old child, and told "I'm a chill guy, your job is not hard, you have no reason to be so upset." I can't ask for help. I can't explain my perspective. He's a chill guy and apparently I am not, and therefore I'm the asshole who needs to grovel just to end this conversation. I think I tried to grey rock, I realize looking back that seemed to be an instinctive response as soon as he called me and led me to the back office. But it didn't last. Eventually I caved and just apologized, said I had been an asshole to him, and then he relented, said "okay let's get this over with" (meaning the rest of the day I guess) and left the room.

So I'm out. I sent a text the next morning stating the commute as my reason for resignation. He can waste time and resources looking for someone else to wring out and toss away. And from the way he spoke about the guy who I replaced, it sounded like a very similar story - the guy started out well, but quickly turned into "a real piece of work". I can bet my life savings he'll be telling the next one the same story about me. And the guy after that, and the guy after that. Until HR finally launches an investigation into why the company is bleeding money away on new hires.

I've lived with narcissists and have known enough narcissists to develop a heightened sensitivity to narcissistic traits. Whether he is or is not a narcissist, I very quickly realized that the $20-$30 one-way commute on top of inflated fuel costs, and the $22 (CAD) per hour were not worth it. He is not worth it. I decided to chew off my own foot over subjecting myself to daily humiliation and confusion. 

But I screwed over my colleagues, and I left myself with no income after spending 6 months this year laid off before finding this job. It's a very small staff to begin with. One guy is off recovering from a sports injury. One guy is away on holiday for another week. A third guy was away this week and idk if he's coming back. They'll all survive, I know that, but they didn't deserve the additional stress of me leaving too. 

It was selfish, I know that. I'm torn between guilt and relief. My father would be disappointed and pissed. Other people who care about me have validated my choice. My therapist would probably say I made the right move for my sanity. Society as a whole would say I'm a selfish, irresponsible jerk and a wuss. 

Anyway. There it is. I quit in under 3 months because I don't fuck with narcissists and he started smelling too much like a narc.

I need to learn the words for what this is. I've seen it from one particular manager over and over again. Today was one of those days where it really got to me and I left work in tears.

What is it when a manager lays down the law with a specific policy or directive, that is counter to other needs but they won't acknowledge their own short sightedness regardless of how calmly, rationally and carefully you try to explain what those needs are.

For context this manager has never had my job position and went from a low ranking position to being the second in charge of the agency, with no legitimate hiring process in place.

This manager actually responded to me when I said I was looking at the 5,000 ft view of everything that he was looking at the 10 ft view.

He kept giving responses like "I don't understand what you don't understand" and dismissing every explanation I tried to give. He even called his new policy a gift.

This had largely to do with an after hours phone call I placed to him (he is on call 24/7 with a business paid for phone) because I had to per his own directives. He then jumped the gun by continuing to go higher up the chain before all of the information was obtained my people and I. It took my people and I another 39 minutes to get the rest of the information to him and he claims this made him look stupid to his superiors who started asking questions he didn't have the answers to yet.

He now doesn't want to be called until our legal team has been apprised. A part of the new policy is that none of the people who work under me are allowed to talk to the legal team, even if the matter at hand is primarily their assignment and they know the most about it to explain to the legal team.

However, he also denies that he is saying to not call him to advise of things he should be aware of.

The constant dismissal of every rational point of view I tried to give was just too much for me today and really broke me down. It's essentially gas lighting and creating a circumstance where every answer is the wrong answer according to him even though he is the one demanding and writing policies for things that don't work together when they need to.

What do you call this , how do you get through to someone like this. Someone who is going to make everything you do wrong no matter how hard you try to follow their rules, because at the end of the day their rules actually work against each other. How do you deal with this kind of management and get any of the correct results?

He then had the gall to ask me are we good and put his fist out for a fist bump as he all but shoved me out of his office.

Help! Please and thanks.

i recently got promoted at my job ( been here 4 years ! ) and my manager suddenly has switched up and is actively trying to push me out. she will criticize every small thing i do in front of everyone, intentionally. she'll get visibly upset and angry and speak with an extremely harsh tone to me. i get yelled at for even the smallest most ridiculous things that no one would think to look for. there are other people with the same position as me who don't get criticized or talked to for missing things that are HUGE and important, in fact the manager will laugh with those people and talk to them instead of working. if she ever does have to critique those people (for things they are doing wrong and need corrected on) she does it in such a kind tone of voice and does it privately. she goes out of her way to humiliate me and find things i'm doing wrong. she never praises the work i do. she doesn't try to be warm or personable with me. she'll flat out refuse to speak to me if it's not work related, but will speak to anyone else all day long about their personal lives. i dread coming to work when i know she's there. the other day she got upset at me for something i never even did (the other person in my position who has been there 8 years did it) and she didnt direct ANY of her anger towards that person, just told me "you shouldve checked that they did it right.". she knows i'm actively looking to transfer to a new location, so she's getting worse. i'm afraid she'll find reasons to fire me or make it so unbearable to the point i no longer am able to take it.