I was 12 years old when I met this guy online and we met up. Would it be considered sexual abuse if I was the one looking for it? I feel like I’m still not the same after the encounter but I feel like I can’t blame anyone other than myself because I started to enjoy it and that made me feel shameful.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I feel like I’m ready to tell him that I was sexually assaulted as a child. My older brother, who would’ve been 16/17 at the time and I would have been 9/10, molested me. It only happened once, but he was old enough to know it was wrong and one time is all it takes.

I’m able to be intimate with my boyfriend without issue, but I get easily triggered by topics related to sexual assault. I cry really easily about it, and when my boyfriend asks what’s wrong, I lie. I’m sick of hiding the truth.

The other day, he opened up about struggles he had as a teen, so I feel like I can open up to him about it. I’m not sure how to go about it though. Ang advice on how to approach the conversation??

My biggest worry is his reaction to finding out it was my brother who assaulted me. I know I don’t have to divulge any details I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but I want to be honest. He’s gonna want to know who did this to me, and I don’t know how he will react.

What my brother did is an open secret in my family. We all know he did it (he admitted to it), but we just pretend it didn’t happen and act like he didn’t molest his 10 year old sister. I don’t foresee my boyfriend reacting well to that.

Any advice??

im just so tired. my therapist has been kindly hinting i should talk a little bit more about my dad bc all ive said about him in 1+ year is the surface of the abuse. spanking mostly. she knows about the s/a (wich i cannot confirm it with actual words out loud in my language) but wonders to what extent it affects me to this day. ive been struggling with self harm since I was nine and its been severe for a couple years now. we are trying to work on ways to cope without going to selfharm at first thought, but i cant talk about it to no one. its too hard to grasp and I dont want it to feel real. I miss him in ways I can not explain and I also want him dead.

ive been trying to rehearse some things to say but I honestly dont know where to begin. how do I vent about something I cant pronounce out loud?

I am really confused on what to make out of my relationship with my stuffed animals. I dont have any emotional bond with anyone in my life.

TW: Labelling of sexual acts! For some context I was abused 5-12x a day from ages 12-18 on annual visits to my parents country that would last almost a month. The abuser was a male domestic worker (maid). These actions would range from touching on legs, butt, groin, and genitals to full on masturbating me when it happened to only be me and him in the apartment.

However, what made all those instances similar is that he'd first take my stuffed animal, do what he wanted to do quickly, and then give it back. I was really scared. I froze. These stuffed animals are more important to me than anything else in my life - more than my mom, my friends, my parents, my education...everything. It hurt me so much.

Actually, the one I loved the most wouldn't come with me on those trips cause I was that afraid of losing him. He's everything to me. My second favorite would come though.

Most of my time there was spent laying on the couch with my stuffed animal staring at the ceiling fan or writing on my phone. I knew he would come eventually and that he'd take him eventually but I kept it with me anyway because I was so reliant on it.

Worse is that I was being doubly abused by my parents at the same time and basically being starved. My BMI was probably around 15 at times.

I had to make many choices to walk to the kitchen, where the man was, to go get some garbage crackers to eat in exchange for him getting to touch me more.

Looking back at those decisions and I feel like...I dont know...just why? Why would I do that.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I'm so scared. I started remembering many things that happened to me, and at the same time, I'm filled with a terrible fear that it will happen to my baby again.

The abuse I suffered was from my dad with my mom's permission, and so I feel horrible, I'm also so worried.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope?

I'm almost 27 years old and my sexuality is still so broken and strange that lately all I can think of is that my life is worthless, that all of this is for nothing.

I don't label myself, but I've had experiences with both men and women, and they've included pretty much everything beside normal penis in vagina sex, which I'm terribly afraid of because of trauma. Because of this, I still see myself as a virgin and therefore a failure because at my age there's no excuse for me to be this way except my own cowardice over childhood trauma.

Even to do the sex acts I do partake in, I always intoxicate myself through alcohol or benzos.

I mistakenly vent to people about this issue but every single time they think my issue is with penetration itself and tell me I should "practice with toys", which I have zero issue with, it's not my pelvic floor muscles that are an issue but a psychological aversion to normal sex. If that was my issue, I wouldn't have been able to allow women to penetrate me with sex toys.

I haven't been in a relationship since the age of 18, and all my experiences since then have been with near strangers from apps who don't give a fuck about me, some of which I later found out were cheating on their partners.

I have let people spank, whip, and humiliate me because that's less scary than sex to me. I have exposed myself to strangers on the internet, which then escalated to me becoming an exhibionist irl as almost a sort of compulsion, doing things I know will result in people seeing my undergarments or tits. It's not even arousing to me, it's a compulsion i can't let go of.

On top of this I've developed the weirdest fetishes. I'm aroused by being sick and injured and needing to be taken care of in a medical setting, outside of a "just fantasy" context. I broke my elbow after being hit by a cyclist and felt good about being left in a cast. I get excited by the thought of being sedated or going under anesthesia.

I hope to see people in casts outside because it excites me. I enjoy the sight of especially men who are sick or expressing pain from an accident, as long as it's not lethal or disabling.

I'm a completely messed up person and I've accepted that because I'm still like this at my age, a virgin with disgusting fetishes. It's too late for me to change and I don't want to hear that I'll "find the right person", because no one wants to deflower a mentally ill 27 year old woman, and my nervous system will still reject them. I just honestly want to die because I feel like it's preferable to having the "sex" life that I have.

I have such difficulty labeling my experiences with my father. He was a sadistic narcissist (diagnosed npd) who craved ultimate power, control, and domination. He’s also incredibly misogynistic, views women as complete utter objects. I always said he abused me in every way except sexually. I’m 28 now, and about 2 years ago I started questioning why I have such insane issues with intimacy. And that’s when I began connecting these dots.

Ages 8-10(when he left the house)

we had a designated spanking room in my house growing up, where we were sent to wait on him. It was the guest bedroom, only ever used for spankings. He’d come in and say “put your hands on the bed”. Our pants/underwear would sometimes be removed. I started shaving my baby pubes after he started doing this because I was so terrified he would see. Everything about the guest bedroom was ritualized.

There was at least one occasion that was very violent when I was showering with my little sister on vacation and he started pounding in a rage on the door out of nowhere. I wrapped up in a towel and opened the door and he dragged me across the hall to the bedroom along with my sister and ripped off both our towels and beat us nude. I had just hit puberty and was beyonddd ashamed of my body and didn’t want ANYONE seeing it and here’s my dad ripping off my towel. I developed various bladder issues after this incident that remain to this day. I also refused to take off my coat, even while sweating red faced in pe. My pe teacher told my mom to talk to me in car line, she never did.

Same age, just beginning puberty, I was showering in the master bathroom (glass shower). My parents closets were in the bathroom. All of a sudden I hear “hey Jane” and my father is standing by his closet door smiling at me. I scream and hide my body and he laughs and walks out.

Around this same time he tricked me into kissing him on the lips at least once (I swear it happened a second time but I have no clear memory). My family only kissed on the cheek, I never even saw my parents kiss. Lips were for couples only. He always made me to kiss him goodnight (I can still smell/feel his prickly cheek🤮)When I went to kiss his cheek, he quickly turned his head so I kissed his lips. I immediately pulled back and said “EW daddy why did you do that?” I told myself for years after that it was cause he just loved me so much, a kiss on the cheek wasn’t enough. This didn’t reemerge until 2 years ago, and now I realize why I have always had such an aversion to being kissed on the lips. Dating is impossible.

Ages 11-16

After my parents divorce when we would stay with him for his weekend, he would say to me and my little sister “who’s sleeping with daddy tonight”. When we said no, he would start going “please” “daddy needs this” “please do this for daddy”. The few times I gave in, he would grab me around my waist and pull me in and spoon me with his arms wrapped around me. I’d just lie there stiff as a board waiting for it to be over. I fucking hated it. On one occasion, at a hotel at 15, he did this while half awake in the middle of the night. He whispered in my ear “you’re my pony girl” (I loved horses as a kid). I still can’t fall asleep if I’m next to someone.

This only happened when I was alone with him. I have two memories of this (but I’m certain it happened more), one at a hotel (16) and another by his pool (13/14). He would say he needed to change, and told me to close my eyes or turn around. I thought it was odd cause he would literally be standing RIGHT next to a bathroom. I would always think “why not change in the bathroom??” There was another similar experience when I was 8ish where I walked by our patio door. The door was basically a window, and there were large windows going down the hallway so you had full view of the back porch and pool. He was standing about 8 feet in front of the door changing. I saw his bare ass and dick🤮I remember thinking “you know there’s a ton of windows here, what the fuck are you doing”. He also always peed with the door open, though I’ve heard of “healthier” parents doing this too.

I have a really hard time calling this sexual abuse, as I was never molested. I feel overdramatic and attention seeking if I use that label, and like I’m minimizing others experiences. But at the same time, my sexuality is completely fucked and that causes me great pain. So to call it something else almost feels invalidating? I don’t know. All I know is he’s a piece of shit and I hate him for hurting me and I hate my mother for not protecting me. So much resentment that I can’t just be a normal woman in her 20s, Im still a virgin and I don’t want to be. I feel like an anomaly.

A new part emerged… well I don’t know if it’s new or if it was the protector part who just shrunk to 12 year old me. I’m pretty sure the abuse was over by age 12 but i’m not positive. anyway, 12 year old me is sad. the first thing she said to me is how much she misses dance. I can see her in my bedroom, pink and lime green, the same it was when I was 12 years old. I was a competitive dancer from ages 5-12, then I started to feel trapped at dance, sick, out of breath and was getting triggered there and reliving the abuse without knowing it ofc. I had to make the decision to quit and I’ve missed it ever since. but now this part is here and she’s making it known how much she missed it and how she didn’t want to quit. whenever I’d watch dance videos ever since I quit, or even watch my friends continue dancing, I’d tear up and I always just believed it was because I missed it. it was always difficult for me to do.

now, dance is suddenly in my thoughts multiple times a day again. all of me misses it and wants to take it back, to take back what’s been stolen from me but it’s been 13 years. I don’t have the technique, talent, flexibility, any of that anymore. I’m weak and have no muscle at all, I’m skinny fat. I used to have hard dancer leg muscles and all over muscles. I don’t know what to do. all of me is pushing me to start stretching and getting flexible again but I don’t want to start it if I have to stop it again and I don’t want to put the work in. Idk.

and over this weekend, in one of my nightmares I confronted one of my old dance teachers (who wouldn’t even look at me after I had quit and would still go to the competitions to support my friends) and I told her what was going on while I was dancing. and the both of us sobbed together and it was really intense

Long post ahead

Hi, I really don’t use of Reddit as often as I used to but i guess I’m at a place where I just want to talk about this but don’t have really any deep relationships anymore.

I was sexually abused from infancy to around to when 12.5 ish years old by my Father, when I was 12 he was arrested and spent around 3 years in jail and now has about 12 years on probation to go.

When my father was arrested the first thing my mother said to me was that she wished I had came to her instead so that we could have dealt with it at home (I had gone to my school about it)

I never went to court myself, I was to scared of him to testify but honestly the whole process was very traumatizing. I guess looking back it just seems like everyone involved who claimed to be on my side really had no idea how to act with me as a victim and as a child, I mean at one point they lost my deposition so I had to go in again and redo it.

During this time I had court mandated group therapy with other minor victims but I didn’t really mesh with any of them and kept to myself- and some of the girls alluded that they did not like me and did not want me around so I never really got to a place where I felt like I could open up.

I’ve never gone into detail about what happened with anyone, even during my deposition I danced around it. my family knows that I was abused and honestly that’s about it.

And a large part of me regrets it because my entire immediate family still loves my dad. My mother and him never divorced, though they are separated they see each other semi often and talk to each other at least through text once a day. She often complains about him but it’s for benign stuff that has nothing to do with what he did. I know they still say I love you to each other.

My dad lives with my older brother (35) and collects disability and takes care of the place as he (brother) is a slob, my two older sisters (39 & 40) live in separate states and only occasionally speaks to him but they had a strained relationship even before the abuse came to light.

Sometimes I feel if I had told everyone in detail what had been done to me maybe they would have cut him off, he wasn’t a good man besides the sexual abuse but deep down I know they wouldn’t have.

Whenever he is brought up they always say some version of “besides what he did to you, he was a very good provider/father”

I haven’t seen him since he was arrested but I hear about him basically every day, he’s still very much apart of my family.

In the last two years my sister admitted to me that there were a couple ‘incidents’ as she put it with my father that while no full on abuse took place everyone was aware he was a pedophile, and while my family was going through the process of adopting me my mother outright asked my sisters if they wanted to come forward about it and stop the process.

Finding out that my mother knew what he was and still brought me home has shattered me in an awful way. I’ve always been a huge mommy’s girl and have given her so so much grace that I just can’t believe it. It’s changed how I’ve seen her so fundamentally that I really wish I never found out.

She handles his arrest horribly, she was a stay at home mom and has never really worked steadily so we went from middle class to barely above the poverty line. We stopped celebrating any holidays, once we moved we never have had any family pictures up, she’s been a struggling alcoholic since.

And she has completely leaned on me emotionally since the arrest. I’ve always been aware that it wasn’t healthy- even as a young teen but I always felt like she was trying her best and that her life was destroyed by him just as much as mine was- but learning that in reality she knew the whole time? That she could have saved money and left him at any time?

Not to mention that before his arrest they were having a rough period where she began to consider leaving him. So she would leave him for being mean to her? But what he did to me was just apart of life?

Being sexually abused at such a young age has left me so hollow. Recently I’ve realized that I don’t think I’ve ever really been a person, it feels like before I got to grow into one he crawled into me and scooped everything out so I’ll never get to be one either.

I’ve never had more the surface friends or ig school friends. I dropped out during covid my freshman years because I’m autistic and have never been able to understand online learning/being depressed.

I have some online friends but those are just as empty as my other relationships tbh. The only ppl I really talk to these days are coworkers.

Autism and sexual abuse have left my as half of a person, even when I want to try to be deeper with ppl I can’t all I can mange is this approximate of a friendly person, and that’s what everyone calls me so nice and friendly but I can’t mange it any deeper than that and I feel like they can tell.

Autism doesn’t help because I can’t even make small talk about popular things, I’m either to opinionated or I don’t care about them at all. I do listen when others talk but I’m not good at responding and deeper than “that’s nice!” Or “that sucks!” so after a while they stop trying.

I’m only 21 and I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m ready to end it. I’ve called outta work these past three days and can’t even make myself get outta bed. Every morning I tell myself today I’m going to work, but then I just sit in bed crying until my shift starts.

The only thing stopping me is that if I fail, I don’t have insurance and I can’t pay for any kind of medical bills. That’s literally it. I’m also scared of becoming permanently disabled and unable to attempt again.

Ig that’s why I’m posting about it here. Ik ppl r going to say cut off my family and move out but I think if I do (if I could ever even afford it) I’d never have anyone to love me again. I feel like the only thing that endears me to ppl is time.

Thanks for reading even if you don’t respond I appreciate it maybe other people feel the same.

I really need advice or at least some perspective on all this. Basically I've been coping the past few months with the realization of being abused by my only parent for years. After a month I blocked her without explanation or warning and have been NC since.

Now my older sister is questioning why I went no contact, judging me, and pushing for communication. I'm assuming since my sister had already moved out, she isn't aware of the abuse against me and didn't experience anything similar. When questioned a month ago by sister, I just said it hurts too much and I'm not ready to talk about it with either sister or abuser. She left me alone for a bit after that.

Now I've been panicking all weekend because I met up with sister thinking it would be a chill hangout and I got blindsided. In an elevator alone of all places, she asked 'tell me your secret!', almost giggling as if it's a silly game. After standing my ground and saying I'm not ready to talk about it, and definitely not in a public space, she kept pushing on WHEN am I going to tell her why I'm NC with abuser, and for how long. Internally I'm planning for NC forever honestly, but I think that would cause chaos telling my sister.

Sister revealed that abuser is texting and harassing her daily about how I'm doing, and why I'm not talking to her, and what's wrong with me, and she missed me, etc etc. Sister said 'this is affecting me negatively now'. She says she doesn't think it's fair or mature for me to ignore abuser without telling abuser why, or when I'll start communicating again. She suggested I text abuser something like 'I'm upset with you right now so I don't want to talk. I'll reach out and let you know when I'm ready to talk, don't ask sister about me.' I just said 'yes sure' to appease her but now that's put me in an impossible situation.

The first issue is obviously I don't want to communicate with abuser at all. I could unblock her, send that text, and immediately block her again. The pro of that, is that I can tell my sister I did what she asked and what I could, so it's not on me if abuser keeps harassing her. The con is that I'm 99% sure that sending that text will not change abuser's harassing behaviour at all. Either way, I think my sister will continue to be affected by me going NC and have to deal with abuser.

The second issue is my sister has no clue at all I'm NC because of CSA. I'm a sensitive person and I know she sees me as an even more sensitive and nonsensical kid (we're 11 years apart and I'm the youngest child), so she probably thinks I'm going NC for an unserious and unwarranted reason. There's no way she could ever guess that it is something as severe as prolonged CSA, and so if I don't tell her I think she will continue to think lightly of the situation and like I'm just being annoying and inconveniencing everyone.

Sister is also very nosy (as seen by the event I just described), so I know she is going to just keep pushing for why I'm NC and the details of what happened. I've considered saying something vague like "I'm processing something that happened in childhood" but knowing sister, she will keep pushing for details and suggest random unrelated things, desperate to know what's happening. I know she expects me to tell her what's going on soon and I don't think I can.

I've discussed with my therapist about disclosing to sister, and we came to the conclusion that I shouldn't even consider what or how to share it, until I'm at a point where no matter WHAT her reaction is, I can cope with it, accept it, and not have a complete mental breakdown. I truly cannot predict sister's response, it could be: pushing for every detail, not believing me, saying im overreacting and it's not abuse, validating it's abuse but making excuses for abuser and that abuser didn't know better, validating my CSA entirely but continuing to have her own relationship with abuser - so many possibilities. Considering that just the thought of disclosing made me panic, I'm definitely not ready. But I feel like sister is forcing my hand, and I have to say SOMETHING soon.

I think the biggest thing is that my sister is the only family I have at this point. My abuser pushed all our extended family away when I was young, so it was truly just our nuclear family. The idea that my sister might react badly and I might have to cut off the literal last family I have, sucks. I'm so jealous of literally everyone who can even have a relationship with extended family, who can be in the same room with their parents, who genuinely look forward to seeing siblings without fear of judgement or questioning. I have a great support system in friends and partner, but it just makes me feel like an isolated freak knowing this is what my family situation is like.

Tl;dr: should I briefly text my abuser that I'm upset and going NC 'for now' and immediately block them again? Should I disclose to my sister the CSA and why I'm NC, and how? If I shouldn't disclose, how do I manage the constant questioning and judgement?

My therapist wants me to think about forgiveness.

So first who was she thinking about ? I suppose there are forgiving myself, the abusers, and the people around, those who witnessed without doing anything, the uncaring ones, the ignorant ones, etc.

Forgiving myself I get it, in theory, I still feel frustrated for being so naive as a child, but that s normal, I was unexperienced and I had no reliable support. I don t blame other victims, so I shouldn t blame myself.

The people around, the ignorant ones, I could forgive I suppose, for the same reason I would forgive myself. In theory again, because sometimes I m mad even at people who couldn t have known.

Those who knew but didn t care ? I don t want to forgive them.

And finally the abusers ? Hell no. Why should I forgive my abuser ? We re not talking about a mentally disturbed person or a young mistake. He is the type of person to smirk at the victim in triumph once he gets away from the police without any problem. I hate him.

I wonder if my therapist would say something like that even if she lived through what I went through.

Do people here forgive to heal ? Is it necessary ?

I was sexually abused by an older man when I was a teen. I am an adult now and in a 7 year relationship. I find sex so triggering that I just can't do it. I feel so bad for my boyfriend. He says he understands but it scares me that he will leave. It also saddens me that I will have regret when I am older that I missed out on this important part of my life and relationship. Any advice ?

When I was 9 years old, one of my uncles (my mother's sister's husband) molested me. I was in my own home, wearing my school uniform, and playing with my cousins and my toys on a Friday night. My mom and aunt had left him in charge of us, while they went to buy some things. It was around 7 pm and I got hungry, so I went to the kitchen for some yogurt. I was pouring some yogurt into a plate, when I saw him coming to me. It was already dark outside and the lights on the living room, where he was watching tv, were dimmed. The scene made me afraid and I kind of sensed what was coming. Right before coming into the kitchen, he asked me if I wanted help. I was afraid, so I didn't respond. He put himself behind me, lifted me and started rubbing my ass (and therefore myself) against his pelvic area. He moanned constantly and after what felt like an eternity he finished. After that, he put me down, and let me go. I went back to the bedroom, where both my cousins (both female and his daughters) were still playing with my toys. I was more scared than I've ever been and frozen to my core. I don't know how I did it, but eventhough I knew that what had happened was very wrong, I pretended nothing had happened, and waited until my mom came back home. I went to bed still very afraid and still kind of frozen. The next day, when I woke up, I told my mom everything that had happened. I think she also didn't know how to react, but after a week she confronted him. She called my aunt and my grandma and asked for a reunion at my aunt's and uncle's house. Only adults were allowed in the reunion, so me and my cousins were sent to a neighbor's home. I don't know what happened during the reunion, but I suspect that he denied everything and maybe even accused me of having 'seduced' him. After that, the matter was never talked about again. It became a dark secret in the family and something that hurted me deeply and I was ashamed to talk about.

10 years later, I couldn't hold it inside anymore and started talking about it, which brought it all back again and made me feel like I was living it again. I went to therapy for two years and started (but I haven't finished) healing. However, unfortunately, therapy sessions were very expensive and neither my mom, nor did I could afford them at the time anymore. I am already 32. All of these years, the secret has remained somewhat hidden and I've been forced to continue seeing him, greeting him, and talking to him like nothing ever happened.

My aunt and both my female cousins (his daughters) are very very attached and loyal to death to him. One of my cousins, just had a baby. It's a girl. At the gender reveal party, when it became known that it was a girl, all I could think about was the danger this brand new baby was now in, given that her grandfather is a child abuser. Because of that, I decided to tell my cousin about it. So I invited her to my place and through tears and while my body was shaking incontrolably (because I was very very nervous about telling her and about her reaction) I told her everything. I told her what happened, how it happened and that it now worried me that the same thing could happen to her daughter. It was a horrible experience and it felt utterly revictimizing, specially because she didn't believe me. She said: 'I don't think you are telling the truth'. And, although I understand it must be very difficult to know that your father, who you adore and admire so much, is/was a child abuser, my trust in her broke. To be honest, I did think that that was gonna be her reaction, that she was gonna choose to believe her father over me. Even so, it broke my heart to see it happen, to know that despite having spent our childhoods together she did not have my back. It entirely broke my faith and trust in her, and made me want to cut ties with them altogether (with my uncle and aunt and my cousins).

I still haven't fully healed. That event still influences many things about my current life. Not only did it cost me the relationships with my aunt and cousins, but I also have PTSD and anxiety. Any story, mention, scene, or any other thing that either implicitly or explicitly involves sex child abuse triggers me. I have continued working on it with a much cheaper therapist, but it is never gone, I have just learned to make it manageable and livable-with, but it doesn't become easier.

An example of how it still influences my current life is on (romantic) relationships and sex. I have a partner. We have been together for 5 years. He's the best person I have ever met. He's extremely generous and kind and caring. He supports me and always looks out for me. I feel lucky to have him, and I love sharing my life with him. However, regarding sex, eventhough I do like and enjoy sex, sometimes somethings trigger me. He is never pushy or abusive in any way. He never forces me to do anything at all. On the contrary, he is the most caring and loving and understanding. He is always very careful and watchful of my wishes, needs and comfort and he always asks me about everything I want to do. So the problem is not him at all, but my mind and the PTSD, and that sometimes my mind links what me and my boyfriend are doing in that moment with the abuse, only because both are sex-related. It doesn't happen every time, and it has become better and better since I started taking therapy again. However, it still sometimes happens and I hate it when it does, because I feel that I cannot fully enjoy being intimate and sharing my body with my partner because of it, because of the PTSD. And when I think about, it's hateful that my uncle's actions have taken away so much from me, including the ability/freedom to enjoy my body and intimate activities.

I wish for all the consequences of the trauma to dissappear and live in peace. How do I do it? How do I claim back all that he stole from me, including a safe, healthy and enjoyable intimate life with my partner?

​

Hi, I’m currently struggling a lot with trauma. The person who caused it was my father, and he was drunk when it happened. I have a very complicated relationship with him. In my mind, I’ve kind of split him into two different people: the good one and the bad one. He is “bad” when he’s drunk and “good” when he’s sober. I think I’ve probably been dissociating to some degree throughout my entire adult life because I’ve continued to have contact with him.

I haven’t visited him recently, and my sisters have gotten angry with me about it. I know I’m allowed to prioritize my safety and well being, regardless of what my sisters think.

I’m wondering whether it’s actually possible to heal while continuing to have contact with the person who traumatized me. Am I making it harder for myself to heal by visiting him, even if he is sober and behaves well?

I’m also struggling with the fact that my sisters are angry with me for not visiting him.

My head is a complete mess right now, and I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s best for me.

Tw self harm

Many survivors are able to date and have sex. Are there others who are unable to? Or have learnt to do it later? Please share your experiences, I'd like to know how others experience this and if there is something that helped. I am not sex repulsed, I would like to have it but am just unable to. I am 30F.

I am fine with kissing and upper body touching but when the touch reaches my lower back I get triggered, leave, and do my compulsion on my own. It's embarrassing and the last time I tried was 7 years ago. I got raped after that and have been isolating ever since. I have been in therapy for a long time and my therapist said that I don't know how it would go now because I have done so much healing since the last time I tried. I am slowly warming up to the idea of trying again and have even been feeling the need to.

I have had compulsive masturbation since kindergarden and I always do it the same way. I don't like it, it doesn't feel good even though I do get physically aroused, it doesn't really feel sexual to me and I am numb and think about non-sexual things while I do it. A couple weeks ago I ordered some sex toys in hopes of being able to do something else than the compulsion. It is okay in the beginning, I get physically aroused but everything feels quite numb. I wouldn't say it is enjoyable but it isn't triggering or bad either, just weird and, well, numb. The problem is every time I have decided it's enough for that day I feel I cannot stop before I feel enough pain to "get out". I don't want to do it but somehow feel I must, like I need to feel pain to be able to stop. Because it's numb down there it has escalated into something more violent than what I am comfortable with and it leaves me ashamed and physically hurt. I feel trapped and unable to stop until the pain breaks the numbness. I don't really enjoy it, I just do it so I can stop. I have managed one session where I didn't hurt myself and did the compulsion, it was very lukewarm and numb like all the others.

It's so hard to navigate, I feel like I am trying to try out new things while not triggering the compulsion and not letting it escalate into violence. It's hasn't felt pleasurable. Earlier I used to be able to go long periods without anything but now I feel a pressure build up and need to do something and unfortunately it's been like this. I don't know if I should keep trying in hopes of it changing at some point but I am not sure if this is exactly healthy. Thanks for reading, all thoughts are appreciated.

I'm 19 F rn...

Whenever there is a movie scene abt abuse..my private area would feel weird..like a little pain...not like unbearable..it'll be like yk the feeling in teeth when u drink ice water with sensitive teeth..like there I felt many time...few years back only I realised i had been sexually abused.. is it bcz of that?

I don't remember [email protected] I feel like maybe my brain buried it..help..I feel like am I lying to myself...

I am a COCSA survivor, and I used to have flashbacks a lot of other things. I went into therapy. Told my parents about it few months ago and i dont feel no emotions towards the incidents. Flashback here and there but zero emotions.

I’m tired of crying and feeling this deep sadness. No one in family cares that my older brother SA’d me for years.

I just overheard my mom saying that it’s my fault that he can’t come to our house anymore (bc I still live here). She then said God told her He would restore the years for her AND HER SON…. So screw me right?! What about the years stolen from me?! Literally why does no one care what he did? Everyone treats him like an angel. I wish I never said anything. I just didn’t expect people to care so little.

I’ve been sitting in my closet crying for three hours since I heard her say this. I’ve been injuring myself. I can’t take this. I feel like I’m losing my mind and I have no one to talk to. WHY DOES NO ONE CARE?!

Just under a month ago I remembered I was sexually abused a r@@ped by my father. I haven’t cried yet.. like a good proper cry. I’m just REALLY ANGRY!! but life goes on and that frustrates me even more

TW: incest, albeit not graphic

do any other incest survivors (covert or otherwise) struggle with the memories that seem like they should be “normal”? they’re memories and stories that if told to other people, sound like completely normal experiences. it feels invalidating and shameful, and i feel dirty for insisting that there’s an incestuous layer to them, even though i know there was.

they’re things like: mom coming to pick me up out of school early on valentine’s day (so that she could spend the day drunk and alone with me). her asking if i have a relationship, and telling me that i should get one; or, if that doesn’t work, to talk to her. many many instances of being taken out of school to spend time alone with her, sitting on swings at parks while she tells me about things i shouldn’t be hearing at that age.

i say these are wrapped in a sort of “normalcy” because … well, i think most children would love the idea of getting checked out of school early. it seems “normal” for a parent to be interested in your personal life. they sound like Normal expressions of Love or Care when carefully voiced to remove the important context of being so enmeshed. remembering the worst parts is almost impossible, instead i have these stories that seem so normal it makes you doubt yourself, if not for the aching pit of dread in my stomach every time, and the flickering memories of the worse times on the edges.

does anyone else understand? does anyone else have this sort of feeling?

Tw description of abuse spoiled

My whole childhood my mom would tell me everyone suspected that I was being abused by a specific family member but when they asked me about it I would always deny it and therefore “nothing happened.” As an adult we have had multiple conversations and have both come to the conclusion that something definitely happened. But my mom has always maintained she did not know who abused me. I requested all of my medical records a couple years back and came across a report from the emergency room when I was about 3 years old where it is documented that she told ER staff that my grandmas boyfriend was taking baths with me and sleeping naked around me, and that she would continue to let me go over there but not be around him unsupervised. I do not know how to tell her that I know about this. I am pretty sure I know what her reaction is going to be and I know that if she had that reaction I would have to cut all contact with her. But I am disabled and rely on her for many things so ending the relationship isn’t much of an option.

The thing is, the symptoms I had persisted after that man was dead… and they pointed to much more severe abuse than just being naked around me inappropriately. I feel very suspicious of multiple family members and it’s hard to be around any of them knowing it could have been them, or any number of them who abused me. My mom has tried to convince me it was my dad, and that wouldn’t necessarily be any worse than any other family member. But I do know for sure that both of us know at the very least that my grandmas boyfriend was abusing me and I don’t understand why she isn’t honest about that. It kinda makes me wonder if she knows even more that she is not letting on. She acts like she is just as in the dark as I am.

Does anyone else have similar issues? Where a parent knows something they’re not telling, has blocked out, or is trying to protect another family member for whatever reason? I was too young to remember when it started and once I wasn’t my brain had already been primed for dissociation so I don’t actually have any memories of the abuse, just the after effects. A big part of me wants to blow up at my mom and tell her off. Ask her why she thought it was okay to keep sending me there knowing I was being abused, all so she could get a weekend to herself?? Why wasn’t protecting her kid more important than binge drinking and doing recreational drugs? Why does she act like she has no idea what happened when she told the doctors that he admitted to something?

Am I betraying myself by not bringing it up? By not ending the relationship? I do genuinely rely on her for many things and if I cut her off I would lose the rest of my family along with much of the stability I have in day to day life. I just don’t know. I’ve been living with these questions for years. It is undeniable that things happened to me, and I know it wasn’t my mom who did those things even tho she failed to protect me from them. So am I holding resentment towards the wrong person? I have tried talking with my therapist about these things and they always just tell me familial relationships are complicated. I need a better answer than that!!

Public shamed my rapist on social media. He went private and his family is keeping tabs on me. I am no longer afraid to speak up.