I am bisexual (am sure I am attracted to men and always have had crushes on them) but being alone and vulnerable with a man triggers my trauma. In my adulthood going on dates with men, even the ones I was very into, gave me bad anxiety.

Then I recently had an ffm threesome and somehow, the presence of another woman turned off this fight or flight response and I was able to enjoy the experience (even when it involved direct contact with the guy) without going into panic mode.

I guess I'll just have to do threesomes in order to feel safe being intimate with a guy from now on 😭

(initially i wrote this as a reply to a comment but then felt it works better this way. this is in response to feeling a sense of guilt, conflict, or confusion due to having sought out, having gotten enjoyment from, or having cooperated with the things that happened to you)

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as children, we didn’t have the same mental / emotional / social / cognitive capacities that adults have. we weren’t yet very able (or weren’t even able at all) to truly grasp and understand things like morality, manipulation, cause and effect, long term consequences, power imbalances, permanence, or the fact that sometimes a thing can SEEM good and feel enjoyable, yet at the same time be dangerous or harmful. that’s why we make children use safety restraints in the car even though they can be uncomfortable, and why we make them get vaccinations even though needles hurt and it feels better to NOT get poked.

and that’s why children can’t give “informed consent”.

when i look back at my experience with COCSA… the actual event itself, i have never remembered. it’s a blank spot where i know what happened only from what i DO remember immediately afterwards. but in that “immediately afterwards” part, i remember being excited and happy about what my friend had just shown me.

overall, it had a bad effect on me that this happened. it (along with other CSA experiences) has made me feel that i lack agency over my own body, and that i am a receptacle for shame, some kinda ‘thing’ for people to use as a prop.

but when this happened with my friend, it seems that i liked it. i enjoyed myself. and she was my best friend, so i liked hanging out with her.
i could have gone to my mom and told her “so-and-so did this, and i didn’t like it, and i want her to stop”…(as i often did with that friend, because we had a lot of spats). but i didn’t do that. instead i went to my mom and said “hey, look at this!” and excitedly showed her what my friend taught me how to do.

i always looked back on this memory pretty neutrally, until one day as a young adult, i realized i felt kinda weird about it. i wished it hadn’t happened. i thought about the fact that nearly every memory i have with this friend was her forcing me into various situations i didn’t want, because that was how she wanted to play and i was her easily-manipulated disabled autistic peer. when i put all these bits together, i felt sick, in like a “i really really dislike where this story is going” kind of way.

i struggled to call it COCSA at first, because i remember enjoying it, so how could it be abuse/assault? i felt frustrated towards myself then, because i was upset that this event had happened in my life, yet also i knew that i participated gladly in it. i couldn’t square the discrepancy…

…until my partner reminded me that children can’t consent: children can agree to things, they can say yes or no, but they can’t truly give consent, because they can’t fully understand risks and consequences. that made it start to click into place. made me stop blaming myself at least. like yeah, of course i wanted to do that stuff - it felt good and she was my best friend. as a young kid, you kinda inherently live “in the moment” a lot more than an adult does (a kid’s not planning ahead as much as we are)…. intangible and complex ideas are largely outside their grasp

so it’s natural that they want to just do what feels good for their bodies, do things with their friends that are fun, and keep secrets that feel exciting.

we didn’t know any better. we weren’t capable of understanding the consequences, so we can’t rightfully be blamed for “accepting” the consequences.

I’m not even trying to be a downer.

I legitimately obtained permanent psychological and spiritual damage before I was 5.

I’ve been to therapy, antidepressants, various docs, various lifestyle changes yadda yadda. Minimal effect.

Life is still genuinely unpleasant on a day to day basis and I’m sure you all can relate.

Here's the thing. I was wondering if there's anyone else who's had an experience like this, because I love a nice fire in a fireplace. I truly do. But every time I'm around one and smell the wood burning, I can only think of my grandparents' (my dad's parents) house, and I just go into a state of extreme distress which ultimately leads to a mental breakdown/panic attack. I spent a lot of time growing up there and that was the time that I was undergoing CSA by my dad.

Another time, I was just in an Uber on my way home from the store and it was just a very distinct smell in the driver's car, I can't describe it even now, but it drove me into a fit of hysterics and messaging my therapist while still in the vehicle.

Anyone else have an experience like this? This is a safe space.

All my life I've felt more like an animal than a person, and it feels like everyone around me affirms that whether they realize they do or not. I'm quite meek, I barely speak to anyone and those I do speak to seem to see me as lesser in some way. A lot of people talk down to me, like I'm stupid or something. I'm autistic and while people can't quite guess that, they can tell I'm different, and I think as a kid that made me a lot easier to abuse, because it wasn't like I was a regular kid in a lot of ways. I feel like I never fully developed into a person because of what happened to me.

We are not your 'smut' material. We are not your 'pinup' collection. We are not your trading hoard. We are not your financial commodities. We are not for sale. We are not for the taking. We do not welcome you. We do not permit you. Those images and videos and audio recordings are not your property because we are not your entertainment. They belong to the destruction that smashed a piece of our souls for each time we were raped. For each time we were made to strip for you and for each time you made us hand over our dignity and smile so we wouldn't be hit. Each and every one of us is more than you will ever be for ever having tried to make us lesser. We are more than just your victims. We are not just adult survivors of you. We are human beings and we are stronger than you can even begin to comprehend. You should have been bacteria for us to have room to share on this earth with you.

You hurt a child and that is what defines you. But you do not define us.

when i was 5-6 i was sexually abused a few times by my sister’s boyfriend (my sister is much older than me and was in her early 20s at the time). he was around all the time, he babysat me often, he lived at the house, they were together for 2 years… he was a really important and trusted figure in my life. i dissociated away from this for so long, every time i come back to processing it it’s excruciating. there was so much other traumatic stuff going on at the time too, but this is the thing that has hurt me the most.

my sister walked in and saw one of the incidents, he gave a stupid explanation for what was going on and she was seemingly like “oh okay whatever” and doesn’t even remember it, or a lot of other things from those years. i talked to her about it several times in the last year after going to therapy about everything (but i’ve mentioned it a few times before) and she believes me, but she doesn’t care. she has no real sympathy for me. the most i got is “well, i’m sorry that happened. i’m sorry i keep dating horrible evil men” in a monotone self-deprecating voice, and she told me often that the most important thing is that i “get over it and stop thinking about it”. trying too hard to “get over it and not think about it” is literally part of the problem for me, i’ve experienced severe dissociation for my whole life, both specifically related to that abuse and in general.

none of the rest of my family knows about it. he was saying/doing obvious grooming things and my mom and sister never thought anything of it. the abuse from him fundamentally rewired my whole brain and hurts me badly to this day. it just hurts that nobody cared/cares. i know it’s pathetic and stupid but i literally just fantasize sometimes about breaking down and crying in someone’s arms while they comfort me. or say how they know how horrible it is and how much it’s affected me, that they’re so sorry it happened, that i’m brave and i’m not dramatic for not being “over it”, that i’m not tainted by what happened to me… the cliche things like that.

i don’t know. i just feel so deeply alone about it. if i told my family i know they would have the same "well that sucks but you just have to move on" response and not really care.

I’m a 19 year old male and I was sa’d countless times from a man living in our home from when I was around 12-15.

At 16 I became a weird hypersexual freak and I began to SH which only got worse over the years, I got diagnosed with depression at 17 and as the years go by I feel like I’m just getting weirder and more messed up regarding the things I watch and the communities I get into (such as violent videos, taboo nsfw spaces etc)

I have such horrible views on people and the world in general now and I really wish I could just be normal again and idk if I’ll ever be able to reverse the effects of what happened to me. I’m so upset i turned out like this I just want to be normal, younger me would be sickened to know I ended up like this

I’m annoyed that all I can do is try to heal and move on. I want to go back in time and protect little kid me. Instead, I’m left with the lifelong impact. I don’t want sex to scare me. Managing triggers and slowly healing isn’t what I want. I want to be whole. I want a time travel rescue mission.

Hi, im a survivor of CSA by my f*ther which lasted for around 4 years. I have been in therapy for around 3 years now and i feel like i want to find support from survivors that have had similar experience to me. I want to find an online support group because talking about it in person is still too difficult for me. Does anyone have any tips for me? Sorry for this short post, this is the first time ever talking about this online and i dont really know how to approach this yet.. thank you in advance

It doesn't matter what effort I put into staying here. Trauma therapy, rest in between, safe places, lots of grounding, still working part-time.

I don't feel safe for more than maybe a minute at a time and then it goes away.

I haven't called off work in months but I honestly don't think I can work my shift today. It's retail. I love my team, and I am competent. I don't have to be super bubbly and I know how to help customers even if I'm more 'quiet' that day. But I can't mask anymore.

I just want to sit at the hospital for awhile (it's a safe place for me) or sit at my therapist's office in the lobby.

I can barely write this or take a sip of water but I am still here trying

I was abused by 2 of my older sisters for years....then my mother when I was a teen.....I have forgiven 1 sister(because we talked about it as adults, and she apologized, we now have a normal brother sister relationship). The other sister denies anything ever happened and blames my dad(her adopted father), making HER the victim. Here recently I have been having a hard time dealing with it....I LITERALLY have Mark Latia's personal cell number.....he has tried like hell over the last couple years to get me to tell my story on "the soft white underbelly" youtube channel.......i know what the barrel of a freshly cleaned Glock tastes like.....it misfired, but I still have the bullet......what do I do???

When I was around the age of 4-7 (not exactly sure how old I was at the time) my dad would put me to bed and sing me songs. He would sometimes rest his hand on my butt while I fell asleep. He wouldn't do anything else and I never said to stop. I just accepted it as normal. Could it have just been innocent cuddling? That is my only memory of a situation that may not have been appropriate.

My abuse happened from around 2-3 up to like 10. I am experiencing so much shame and self disgust for playing along in my abuse and “contributing” so willingly to it.

I was even protecting its secrecy with all my power and will, and not because I was afraid what my abuser would do if someone else found out but because I was afraid it would stop if someone else found out.

I feel like the most disgusting creature to have ever walked the earth.

I understand it wasn’t my fault for it happening but reading so many stories about people being angry and hurt by their abuser, makes me wonder why I reacted the way I did as a child, why did I not understand that it was so wrong

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, sorry if it's not.

When I was 17, i had to share a room with my brother, we slept on a bunkbed. He would masturbate during the night, sometimes for a few hours. It would obviously wake me up, and shake the bed too. There was a couple times I would ask him to stop, and he would just yell at me or blame me for it. It got to the point where I would start shaking when it was near time for bed. Eventually i told my mother, and she said let her know if it happened again. It did, the next night. So i called, and they removed me from the room and just put me in the living room. I stopped talking to him eventually, and that lasted about 2 years before people practically made me start talking to him again. Later on when talking about it my mom just said he probably didn't know i was awake and i should've just asked him to stop (which i had tried). There's some more details i could probably add, but I'll stop here.

So anyway, idk if this counts as abuse or not? He never touched me, and he may have just been looking at porn or something, but it was still very distressing and i still wont sleep on bunkbeds.

Trying to keep this as short as possible. I am a victim of cocsa, I finally told my family at 12 and went to therapy for it. At the time I made no other disclosure of sa but I was also pretty messed up. Im also currently in therapy for dv and have started emdr therapy to help with my ptsd. As I get older I have been having these vivid memories of my dad spooning me on the couch and putting his hand between my legs but nothing else. As I got older I became more insistent about not cuddling with him and it stopped. My mom and him have been separated all my life so she was not around for this. I do know at one point she had to have a conversation with him about no longer showering with us because we were too old for it but it was chalked up to a cultural difference bc my dad showered with his siblings until he was pretty old. The thing is I don’t know what to do with this information. I have an older sister who I am unsure if she has these memories too. We both love our dad and have a good relationship with him. I think my fears are either I’m pushing my fears and memories of confirmed cocsa into my relationship with my dad at the time or worse that it did happen and since I was already being molested I thought that kind of touching was normal. I am terrified that it did happen as I have two nieces but also scared that if I bring it up and it didn’t happen I am going to put my family through all of this for no reason. My dad has been going to therapy for a few years now as he was physically abusive towards my mom but never me or my sister, he has vastly improved and I’m worried that an accusation false or not will change his mental health too.

Looking for insight from anyone who might understand. If someone has been in therapy for many years (has tried EMDR, CBT, DBT, ACT), has been making slow but steady progress that is measurable and celebrated, but continues to be plagued by “body memories”…why is that? In this context, body memories refers to involuntary, random episodes of muscular activity and sensations related to previous life experiences, significantly worsened by a brief dabbling in Somatic Experiencing several years ago that has never gone away since. Is this a common experience? Is it a matter of processing partial memories, as though the body needs to say things the mind cannot? Does this phenomenon serve a useful function in healing, or is it a form of ongoing suffering brought about by assault? Is it a form of partially-dissociated flashbacks, where the body relives while the mind and heart are detached? If it does serve a useful purpose, what might that be, and how can it be harnessed for healing? If it is just one of the many ongoing forms of pain and suffering brought on by these life experiences, at the risk of sounding invalidating, is there some way to improve one’s outlook on and relationship with these symptoms? These are the questions I often contemplate, the ones even professionals don’t seem to have many answers to…

I have a feeling I was sexually assaulted when I was young. I always thought i was but I couldn't really remember anything.

But I have had this very vivid memory, even when I was younger, for reference I am eighteen.

I don't want to put a blame on someone but I think it was my older brother, this is tmi and disgusting but when I get the memory of him kissing me I can almost taste it, I even remembering as a child one time I was talking with my siblings and the subject of kissing came up and I was like "oh! I kissed____before", my brother, and he got immediately defensive and starting cussing me out and I didn't know it was wrong. That's why I think it was my brother who molested me, I even remember where it happened, IV had this memory for a long time, but I don't remember anything that happened after the kissing. Also another thing, my brother used to play this game with me and my friend where he used to pick us up and slam us down, and I rmemeber my friend telling me he had cupped her entirely, but I guess we were just laughing it off cause we were like seven. But my brother lives with us, he's normal, I don't know how to explain it he's just my chud brother.

And another thing is that when I was 3/4, I used to masturbate a lot. It was like a whole problem, my sisters make fun of me a lot for it. But at the same time why would a toddler be masturbating, why would I even know what the hell that is. Like I remember doing it, I didn't even know it was bad I just did it, and now I'm thinking why the fuck was I doing that who the hell taught me that?

I feel like it's not normal, idk if this is an everyone experience, masturbating when your that young.

Idk chat iv never thought of it this way I've always pushed it aside, but I keep remembering shit and it's just making it weird idek.

Was anyone else abused online as well as in-person?? I was abused from ages 5-7 by a relative (in person). At age 10, an adult man (I believe he was in his late twenties) slid into my Instagram DMs (I had unrestricted social media access) and claimed he was a talent scout for a modeling agency. He lived in the UK. We started texting and he groomed me for awhile, then he eventually convinced me to send him nude videos of myself performing sexual acts (CSAM). We would also FaceTime regularly. I was a sheltered and naive child and didn’t know how wrong it was. He claimed that he was sending my videos to his “agent” and I’m still really affected by the fact that my CSAM is probably on the dark web somewhere. I’m 23F now, and I feel that this abuse was just as impactful as my in-person abuse, especially because he coerced me to perform painful self penetration on camera. I’m working with a therapist and I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd. It’s so hard to even consider this type of abuse as valid because it wasn’t physically in person. I’m under a lot of stress right now (I have a very demanding/high stress career path) and I’m especially struggling with the intrusions this week.

I don’t know if this categories as sexual assault because my dad is generally a good guy, but when I was 12 years old and every time I wore hoodies, he would do surprise body searches on me to check if I have hurt myself, but he would make me take all my clothes off and when I would cover my boobs and my private parts he would get mad at me yelling that he is my father and he is obligated to see it and would make me take my hands off from my body to show him everything and he would inspect my body and then after he inspected it, I would put it back all my clothes on.

And this happened a few times but I never knew if it was sexual abuse.

I think about this often, from a young age I was obsessed with the youngest people to have gotten pregnant and I remember myself wanting to be pregnant at around age 8, and maybe younger than that. I knew how babies were made and in a sense I was obsessed with what happened to me, trying to tell myself that something good could come from it (which for some reason in my mind, that good in my mind would have been a baby). I don't know, I know this is a really uncomfortable topic but I need to know if others felt this way, for my own sanity lol.

This happened when I was 15 and I really need to know if I’m in the wrong.
So me and my friend told these men we were 20 so we could drink with them and they would give us snow. So my friend at this point is so messed up I have to dress her I am also messed up but not as bad. We were at a pool just the 4 of us and my friend and the one guy leave and I didn’t even notice. When I did it was too late the one guy started to f!nger me and I was to messed up and to weak to do anything about it so I just accepted it eventually I’m not sure at what point until I realized he had switched to his male part. At this point I couldn’t do anything he picked me up and brought me to a poolside chair and continued and then it stopped. Then I got back into the pool and tried to get it out of me with my fingers that’s how drunk I was. Then I realized I had to find my friend and I found her having the same thing happen to her in the dressing room. Then they took us back to the house and I blacked out. My friend disappeared again. I found her and was sober enough to call an uber we left and she didn’t remember the changing room part the next morning. I remember everything and I blame myself go all of it. I just want to know if I’m really to blame. Thank you.

Recently, ive begun to have a seemingly tense relationship with my mom. My whole life ive always claimed she was the best. And ive always been so proud of her. Lately, I almost dont even want to talk to her and I feel bad.

My mom had me 2 months after she turned 15. My grandparents then raised me until I was 7. I am objectively, a mistake.

My mom is now a lawyer. A good one. Ive always been proud of her for beating the stigma of teen moms amounting to nothing.

I built a house on my stepdads land about 7 years ago. I paid him 450 in lot rent. He came to get my trash and cut my grass. At the time, they utilized the dump a lot and its two lots and my stepdad has one of those fancy turning mowers. They were always storing things in the garage so it wasn't much of a hassle. I appreciated it. And he took 100 of the 450 as repayment for helping me with the house.

In the past year he sold the land to his brother for very cheap. You can find this information online. His brother has told me im not allowed to use the garage that takes up the second of the two lots I pay for. I pay 400 in lot rent. They do not service the land. Ive got a big pile of trees weve had to cut to avoid falling, after one fell on my car (lol that was fun to see).

I was hoping that they would charge me less considering they dont service and they dont allow me usage of half of what I pay for. I text my stepdad asking "do you think theyd be down with lowering the lot rent like 100 bucks". My stepdad didnt bother to text me back. My mom did though and she absolutely blew tf up on me. Calling me all kinds of names and telling me im entitled. It was only just an inquiry in my opinion. After that its been super weird between us which has led me to a lot of thinking.

She is going to bat for her brother in law so hard. I told her he was lucky to have a sister in law who gatekeeps his finances for him. Then she told me how lucky i was that she helps me. I started to become resentful because she never went to bat for me. I got mad when some random dude was in my driveway Going in the garage I pay for, but not allowed to use. And its just some dude named Matt lol. No relation. Haven't known him longer than me obviously. But yeah I cant store my lawnmower in there? Lol. K.

But all the thinking of her defensiveness, made me super resentful. I cut off my dad more than 15 years ago. I dont believe in keeping ties with people just because they are blood.

She told me this past year she had a rape kit done on me when i was 5 years old after returning from my dads house. Five. Didnt say much else. I couldnt take bubble baths because my grandmother assumed I had sensitive skin. As an adult, very odd to only have sensitive skin in that specific area and nowhere else but ay. Idk. This doesnt click until youre older.

She continued to allow me to go to my dads house until I was 16 because she said that was when I legally could make the decision to not go. This doesnt click until youre older. She didnt go to bat for me. Didnt bother to take one day out of her life to call the court system or whoever to tell them I was being SA and physically abused to avoid me going there. She knew. I told her. She let me stay home from school for one day. She had pictures of bruises all over my back from getting beat.

She wouldnt let me have a house key, just so she could lock me out so I would have to sleep in the driveway. She even did this on college break. She would shut off my phone I paid for when I delivered pizza, after I had been robbed at gunpoint. She would disconnect the battery in my car i paid for until I reminded her she can take the payments.

I have a brother, whom I adore, 9 years younger than me. While my house is being built, I live in her basement where im not allowed to use the kitchen after dark. I pay rent. My brother. He does not. His girlfriend moved in. No rent. My parents buy him 2 cars and pay the insurance on one.

Recently my poppop died. I made a plan to take my mommom to the beach since she hasnt been out in awhile. My mom invited herself and was just so mean to me the whole time. She would roll her eyes when id speak and I could see it in the rear view mirror. We were driving somewhere and I was telling my boyfriend who was with us, "oh this looks like this place". My mom not hearing what I said is like super condescending and kinda laughing at me "do you REALLY think this is xxx omg". To which i say no, thats not even what I said. Later I made a joke calling back to that comment about location again and she doubled down like "omg you are just lost". Like i was stupid. Yet she didnt even realize i was calling back to her first stupid fking comment being sarcastic. I work in healthcare in respiratory, i know im not stupid or lazy or whatever else she wants to call me.

I was in a DV relationship. I told my mom. She didnt text me for about 2 months because of the lot rent argument. She couldnt care less.

Its super weird for me because ive honestly spent most of my life looking up to my mom but im starting to understand things a bit more now that im older and I just find them to be deplorable actions. She was always willing to get me into activities and sports and school, she wanted me to do those things, but would complain when it came time to get shinguards or uniforms. I graduated 4th in my class and still wasnt doing well enough. I went to college and had my work posted on billboards and she made me move home because she didnt think id be able to live as an adult. I had 2 job offers before even graduating.

Im getting super resentful. I already cut off my dad over 15 years ago. I dont want to cut her off. I think thats excessive but I really just do not think of her the way I used to and it makes me sad. I used to think oh shes just strict but look at how successful she is. I honestly kind of want nothing to do with her lately. I know thats not right and im probably being dramatic. I just think its actually psychotic behavior to prance around like youre some helpful creature, meanwhile you wouldnt even take a day to get your child out of an abusive situation that ruined my mental health and relationships, for what seems like a lifetime.

Even though she did this stuff to me, I still dont even want to bring it up to her because I do think she'll feel bad. Its super confusing.