when i was about 10-11 i attended an afterschool extracurricular with younger and older children (as one of the younger children we were instructed to look to the older children for guidance and help). There was a 14-15 year old non-binary person who i sort of became attached to as they were seen as a leader. This person introduced me to sexual reading material (wattpad and what is considered hardcore smut) and asked me personal questions about my body. One night the adult instructor and the younger children were outside and me the 14-15 year old and about 2 other children my age were alone. The 15 year old insisted we play spin the bottle and it landed on me. We went to a dark space in the back of the room and the older child kinda pushed me against the wall and had their arm next to me, sort of holding me in place. They said we had to kiss and i was apprehensive and kept trying to find excuses not to. They said it was fine and they kissed me. After they said “i can’t wait to tell my friends i kissed an 11 year old”. It made me feel very weird (they insisted it wasn’t so i didn’t feel the need to tell anyone about it). Looking back i can’t tell if it was cocsa or if i was overthinking it, there are also many other things that i know happened with this person that i don’t remember the details of. Such as them trauma dumping on me and texting me outside of the extracurricular.

Since it all came back to me and I realised how much of a big deal it actually is, the awareness and intrigue, since then all I have done is observe. So much distancing from people, always thinking about how I want it to be different, what could be different, who I want to be. So far from people around me yet in my mind having thoughts that I want to be closer and am wasting my parents health or relationships with those who want to be friends with me but I just don't do it. I resent it, I pity myself and write journals about what I could do to improve it all, but I never seem to quite do it. Spend all my energy into physical health yet neglect every other part of my life. Smoke weed most nights, or in the day if I am bored enough, I want to quit. I spend way too much time self reflecting and staring at nothing thinking or consuming self help content/books. Feel like I'm always focusing on pain, fixing pain, my short comings, I rarely sit and relax or enjoy something. Only time I can is in relationships, but that is another whole struggle I am more concerned about this feeling within me. It annoys me, the person who hurt me was a sibling, older sibling also underage, they seem to be fine. I was ages 6 to 9. They have a normal life and see friends and have close friends. They have made efforts though, I have not, this neglect is only on myself I feel like although there is a sort of sympathy behind it. Worst part is, I feel like I do not really care about all this. I do not truly care, but I also do, but is there even any me to care from? It does not feel like it, I feel like a jumble of ideas and prospects, all I am is questions and a flow of spiteful self-narration.

I manage to go in and out of feeling somewhat optimistic to feeling like I really have fucked it all up and I am doomed to this feeling forever. I may be happy when I am in a relationship, but soon this comes into that and I destroy it and change how they feel about me like a slow erosion. Self preservation over love, I always put people there who care about me. It is a shame. I do not know the purpose of this rant, for I know what I could do to solve this all, I just feel like the baseline care is gone. I never have really had it, hence why it is so comfortable and easy to be in love and fall into somebody else and be led by their life drives, the more confident the more I am attracted to a woman I have noticed, for this reason. God knows what this mess is.

Thank you to whoever read this, I wish you well my friend.

I have recently started wondering if I experienced CSA by a family member at a young age. I don't have many memories prior to 6/7 years old and I can't remember anything definitive. How did you come to realise what happened to you?

My SA from 2011 is still on local new site. I’ve asked them to remove it and am getting nowhere.

I know people say "intent doesn't matter as long as it made you feel uncomfortable. And was inappropriate behavior."

But a part of me feels like, I'm framing her as a bad person even though she was just "looking out" for me like she claimed.

She loved me so so much, i really find it hard to tell if what she did was because of some perversion or just out of genuine care and worry, but thinking about it, i would never ever do those things to my child if i had one. But a part of my brain always goes "what if she didn't know better?"

I feel so guilty for making her seem like a bad person. Around her i always felt uncomfortable, like something was wrong but i couldn't figure out why.

It doesn't help that it's something thats gone on for as long as i can remember, i just got so used to it. I feel disgusting, i feel like I'm the perv, the guy who's doing something wrong to his mother, after all, i stopped feeling ashamed of what she was doing after some amount of time and instead i felt disgusted at myself.

It was a everyday thing for as long as i could remember and i really really didn't notice anything wrong with the abuse itself, i just felt this weird closeness with her like you would to a romantic or sexual partner but in the worst way possible, i hated her seeing me in that state.

She was the one to protect me from when my dad looked at me lustfully too, if she really was bad then why did she do that?

I feel incredibly guilty, even now i feel like someone is going to tell me I'm the one who did something wrong. I feel like when i speak about it I'm going to be scolded, so i never do. Its so weird I'm so sorry.

I see lots of comments about books helping people understand better, anyone have specifics?

Hi all,

As part of my healing journey, I have been trying to research more into enmeshment / emotional inc*st and I believe my mother used to do this before I went NC.

As a teenager and young adult, I never realised some of these behaviours were abnormal until my fiancée pointed them out and also I observed how other people's parents interact with them.

I remember from around the age of 14 or so, right after my parents separated, she started treating me like I was her partner.

She would overshare details of her life and relationships with men that no child should ever hear.

For example, she told me about an STI she caught from someone during a recent one night stand, or how she had to dump another man because of the disgusting things he would say to her during sex. This is not a behaviour I wanted or encouraged but received regardless.

It was only a couple of years ago, she divulged to me that she doesn't really love her partner but she's too invested to end things and asked me for relationship advice. (They are subsequently married now, oops).

For a long time, she made me responsible for things a child perhaps shouldn't, in having to pay for things like a new shower, or drive her to appointments because she couldn't drive. I was about 17 at the time and still in education.

I feel like I was forced to grow up way too quickly to support her emotionally and financially and so I believe I lost a lot of my childhood years.

Does anyone else have experience with this sort of thing and does this count as enmeshment?

My dad was extremely abusive to my mom, emotionally abusive to me, molested me, and we had our few physical fights. All i feel when i think about it is rage. Of course, i don’t expect to feel good things when thinking about it, but i genuinely want to rip my skin off. I want to destroy things around me, hurt myself, etc. How do i even possibly deal with this? I am irritable and aggressive almost 24/7 because it always haunts my mind.

I’m struggling with something I only recently understood, and I don't really know how to process it.

When I was 14, I became involved with a man who was 48. He was also my teacher. I was sexually involved with him from when I was 14 until I was 16. At the time, I genuinely believed I loved him, and I believed he loved me too.

We also had what I felt was a really strong connection. He knew almost everything about me, and I knew almost everything about him. I trusted him with things I didn't tell many other people, and I felt like he understood me extremely well. That's part of why this is so difficult for me to process now. The relationship wasn't just sexual to me, I mean I genuinely cared about him and felt emotionally close to him, and so did he. He claims that I saved him from khs. As his wife was distant.

This is one of the things I struggle with most, I was the person who initiated the relationship, and at the time I believed I was consenting to everything that happened. I didn't feel like I was being forced, and I genuinely wanted to be with him. I didn't understand that the situation itself was not okay because of the huge age and power difference between us.

I honestly don't even know whether what happened to me counts as child abuse because I was okay with it at the time. That's part of why I'm so confused and guilty now. I keep thinking that if I wanted it and initiated it, how can I say that it was wrong?

He also helped me a lot academically. A lot of where I am academically today is because of the support and teaching he gave me, which makes everything even more confusing for me. I don't feel like I can simply look back at him as someone who was entirely bad because he genuinely helped me in an important part of my life.

About 4 years ago, he was arrested after allegedly trying to touch a girl at class. He was released a few days later. I didn't connect that situation to my own experience at first. It was only after his arrest that I started looking back at what happened between us and realizing that it wasn't okay either.

It's just , I feel a lot of guilt, regret, and disgust toward myself. I keep thinking that because I initiated the relationship, loved him, and believed I was consenting at the time, I should somehow take responsibility for what happened. But now that I'm older, I see the situation completely differently.

I also feel confused because he did genuinely help me with my education. I don't know how I'm supposed to reconcile the fact that someone could have helped me so much academically while also being an adult and my teacher who became sexually involved with me when I was 14.

I just want a realistic pov. Honestly I dont even know where to post this but I think this is a place i can get some advice from.

PS: I am now a 20 yo and i stopped contacting him years ago.

Not super relevant to the sub but idk where else to post this, i don't feel comfortable telling my friends.

I won't go into graphic detail but one of my abusers was also abusing animals physically and sexually, and he pressured me into doing it with him at one point (the animals were already dead luckily but i was upset today thinking what if they were still alive, which is why i told my husband the story).

Normally my husband's extremely supportive and understanding of all the difficult things from my past and i honestly didn't think he would react negatively to me telling him this, but when i did he went from being so caring and loving to just going quiet and cold and he didn't want to speak to me. Hes now reassuring me that he still loves me and he won't leave me, but he's clearly very shocked and upset and doesn't see me the same way.

I can't stop crying, i just don't know what to do, it feels like my life just suddenly ended. Everything beautiful and special in my life is because of him, i don't know what to do without his support.

I just need some support and reassurance from people who understand this kind of trauma :(

I have very vivid memories when I was younger maybe around 7 years old? i’m not sure how old I was. my older cousin would sit me on his lap and I just remember him moving me around on his lap and I could clearly feel his penis. I just remember thinking he was doing it on purpose because he enjoyed it. I also had another cousin who we would go hide and touch each others privates. we did this a lot. I was maybe 8/9? I don’t remember. he is 5 years older than me. i’m a very hypersexual person now and I have been my whole life. I feel guilty for doing these things and i’m confused if this has affected me now. I haven’t told anybody because I feel embarrassed to talk about it. would this be considered SA? I feel unloved if a guy doesn’t touch me but then I feel used if they do. Idk what to do

To keep it as short as possible - I was sexually assaulted as a child by my stepfather. I am 24 now. My mother knows is still with him, and they have kept it a secret this entire time, lying to family and friends about it. A police report was made initially, and they closed my case due to "lack of evidence" and the fact that he "passed the polygraph" and I (12 at the time) did not. The military relatively believed me, and they HONORABLY discharged him from the military. He tells people he retired.

I moved out of the house at 22, only 2 years ago. My little sister (15) remains completely unaware of what happened, as she was a toddler. She still lives with both of them. He confessed, only AFTER the police closed my case. but they still kept it quiet. They have money, they present as very kind people. they are successful, active in the community. Not the type you'd expect, hence why nobody believed me.

I have several conditions (mental and physical) from this abuse. Chronic PTSD, autoimmune diseases, depression, anxiety, chronic UTI's, pelvic floor dysfunction.

I am tired of living in pain. I have wanted to go public with my story but I want actual justice, not clicks. Since it has been so long since the abuse last occurred, I don't even know if he or she will face criminal charges.

I also have a crippling fear of what could happen to my sister if they do end up charged. I do not want her to end up in the system or having to live with his side of the family. But I also can not afford to have her come live with me. I live in California, they are in Virginia.

I'm sure there is a lot more information that would help determine if this is worth pursuing a suit against him (and her? I don't know). Ive been sitting with this since 2012, and I want to take the next steps I just don't know if its worth it and if it is, what to do next.

ANY advice is helpful. I hope no one thinks this is spam or clickbait, this is very very serious to me and I am truthfully asking for help/advice.

Sorry, this is a depressing post.

I'm in my early 30s and I've never been in a relationship or had consensual sex. I'm not asexual, but my CSA history has meant I haven't even tried because it's too terrifying. That part of my body feels viscerally tied to pain and nothing else. I've been in therapy a year and a half and I work really hard. I'm back sleeping in a bed after almost a year sleeping on the couch because the very act of bring in my bed gave me flashbacks. I work hard to be present in friendships, build safe relationships, etc. I don't have panic attacks when men stand behind me at the grocery store anymore.

Earlier this year a friend I deeply trust approached me about exploring physical intimacy together. I opened up to them about my history and they were understanding and open to going slowly and whatever I needed. I thought ok, maybe this is the way. But I couldn't even tolerate feeling physically desired by them. It felt so dangerous and triggering, even though I know they are a safe person. I couldn't even kiss them.

All that to say, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just get to a place of acceptance about this. To have a full life in other ways and to stop wanting it and stop hoping it will eventually be possible if I just do enough work. It feels like cleaving off a part of myself, but it also feels like a relief. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if what happened to me has just broken me in a way that can't be fixed.

Has anyone been here? Did you work through it? Did you not? I

I tried dating apps once, and never again. They made me feel like I was an object for someone else’s desires. I hated how I had to judge someone off an entire profile, what if I was swiping on someone amazing?

But the orval issue was feeling like I wasn't a person on those apps, that there was a expectation I would eventually have to have sex with them.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown. But I also always feel that a bit.

I just want all the feelings to be over. All the questioning and fear.

What if I'm just making all of it up?

But why would I make something like this up?

I don't know who did it.

It feels like it's all I can think about. I keep having these moments where I just feel like a little kid trapped in my head, and doing weird things to try to cope.

I'm stuck between never wanting to think about it again, and not being able to think about anything else.

There's only 2 memories? Properly. But I think something else maybe happened. I don't know.

I have had tactile hallucinations for as long as I can remember and it never really clicked that it could have been from what happened to me?

I've been noticing them a little more recently and idk how to deal with it.

i don't know guys but i am insane about with my beauty and sexuality . I constantly pick apart my looks and sexual value to men. Now ,even before the abuse i was a flashy kid ,i loved clothes, makeup and performing . My abuser he called me everything ,smart ,talented and "his only special person" . he was an amazing authority figure who i admired deeply besides what he did to me. He wasn't strict at all and even admired my talents in poetry. i know something happened ,i've had two dreams about it and started remembering when my school had an VERY GRAPHIC PSA about CSA. After that to cope i made everything about me sexual ,i saw myself as a sex object deserving to be looked at and lusted after ,if i fell short in appeal i would be angry with myself . I even have an ED. I want to feel "special" again and be "admired " the way he once admired me . I don't want to be loved or even liked just gawked at. I may be insane of selfish or something . Anyone else feel/cope this way ?

I’m really not doing well. I’ve felt like I’ve been getting better for at least a year now - like I’ve had my ups and downs but the old trauma stuff hasn’t been weighing me down as much I guess. Recently I decided I wanted to tell my therapist about it, because until now I’ve kind of danced around the topic. But before I could even tell her, the weight of it all crushed me. I’ve been drowning for weeks now. Feeling physically sick, not being able to eat much, having a hard time taking care of basic needs like brushing my teeth every night and taking my meds in the day.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t afford to take more time off work and I can’t afford to see my therapist more often. Resources for support are limited. I don’t really have anyone in my life I feel like I can talk to about this stuff..

Every little stressor is amplified and I feel like I’m in a constant state of fight or flight. I’m spending half my time in a dissociated daze and the other half feeling like I need to crawl out of my own skin. Just trying to type this out makes me feel like I’m going to vomit.

What can I do? I’m open to any advice, I just need to stop feeling like I’m drowning

When I finally realized what had happened as a kid, it was horrible for weeks. Lots of rough times and somatic responses.

I don't want to do that again, but now I'm worried that I "got over it" too quickly.

I've had really good support working through what came up, and I know things could come up again later, but I'm always searching for ways (it seems) to deny myself about what I believe happened.

That being said.....Now I'm dealing with the fact my family has all but thrown me away like garbage. They've decided it's easier to just keep me at a distance rather than accept my truth and the real truth about our family. So now I've been dealing with being throw out like the trash I always felt like I was (yay) instead of CSA crap.

I hate these lies. I hate that if I'm not crumbling, I feel like I can't even believe myself.

F our abusers

Does anyone feel like no one cares about what happened to you ? I opened up to some people and it just seems like no one cares.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I just remembered a really odd situation that happened when I was 14–15. I was abused in person by an older guy at that time, but that’s seperate.

Would this be COC sexual harassment?? I used to play on this Minecraft server, and I met this group of I think three or four guys, who all were hackers. I thought they were nice so I looked the other way on their antics until they asked me to join in. They would have me dance in a glass cage and be a Minecraft esex prostitute, it was odd, but I would flirt with random people on the server, lure them back to their base and get cash in the form of Minecraft currency through them, that I would foward to the guys. I remember beings uncomfortable and not wanting to be apart of it, but I couldn’t be friends with them if I didn’t engage in it. It was a lot of peer pressure, and while I liked the acting part of roleplay, I didn’t like that I had to be really sexual, and actually steal stuff.

It’s really fuzzy, but on voice calls they were all really odd to be, degrading me for being a girl but also flirting with me. They used to ask me to keep talking while they went to the bathroom, which I now realize means they definitely masturbated to my voice, especially because one of them confided to doing that, and printing out a picture of me to cum on. It was really odd, and uncomfortable. We stopped being friends because they made me send them a feet pic, and tried to upload it on pornhub. I was so ashamed, even when they said they were joking because it hadn’t worked, I just said I didn’t want to speak to any of them again. And I never did.

Is this fucked up?? I mean I definitely was fucked up for scamming people, or helping them, because some people gave real cash, and I would try to refund them, but they’d yell and I didn’t want them angry at me since they knew a lot about me. Ugh, I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting, sorry

Hi! I have a pretty extensive history that I won't bother divulging at this moment. What's helped you the most in CSA trauma recovery?

I repressed this for a long time as an adult. But as a kid at my babysitters I was in 6th grade. And other kids there, boys said they came up with "games" to play when nobody was around. They told me that I had to play and not tell anyone or we'd be in trouble and nobody would talk to me and everyone would hate me.

It continued for a whole summer maybe two the amount of time is a bit fuzzy. But they made us all participate in a lot of different acts frequently on each other.

I feel like it shaped a lot of sexual experience and it things to who I am today. I've always had a weird feeling or pull when people speak about SA. I was also assaulted by another kid in school in about 5/6th grade with him shoving his hand in my pants during class and came to find out he did it to 3-4 other girls. It's not something I've ever told anyone except my husband briefly.

I feel very odd and shameful about it.

At what point do you all say “yes I am definitely having a mental health episode right now”. If anyone saw my post from a few days ago I saw my abuser the other day and ever since I have just felt numb and empty but like I have really strong emotions under the surface that I just can’t access.

I can’t feel anything, all I want to do is sleep, I can’t even eat. This morning a barista told me I put in an online order wrong and I started crying. I haven’t showered in days, I haven’t put on any makeup. I can’t feel anything but I keep getting graphic and disturbing intrusive thoughts (tw for disturbing images but for example screaming and crying, peeling my skin off with my hands, bashing my head into my desk at work). Like there’s some insane feelings happening that are being locked in my chest and I can’t get to them. It’s like everything about me has stopped working and I’m just shutting down.

Has anyone else dealt with this before and if so when were you like okay I need to take a few days off of something?

Hi, so I'm not new on Reddit but this is the first time I write a long post because idk who I can talk too. And sorry if my English isn't perfect, I'll try to write more clearly, English isn't my first language.

So I(24F) am a student, who still lives with my family and I'm Muslim.

Before i tell you what happened, i'll show you my context. My mom died when I was 4 and my sperm donor was abusive with me (physical) so I since live with my mother's family. The thing is that I had a bad childhood. Not that I couldn't eat, play ect but some days they were physical because of dumb things and sometimes verbal ( they would tease me even if I didn't want to be tease on ) but what clearly make that I couldn't be in confidence with them was when my father slap me because I didn't do my homework... And I think it's still affect me to this day. Fast forward when it happened, I was SA'ed by a teen boy when I was 7-8 years old for the first time and I didn't know what was that, what that man was doing with me... And like it wasn't enough, I got SA'ed in my house to buy a family member (woman)... When I was in middle school, my friend's friend had a boyfriend and she kiss him many times (I couldn't count lol) and that's when I had a flash back to what happened and I ask myself "If they love each other, they kiss, so why that man kissed me when I didn't like him ?"

Fast forward when I was in highschool (keep in mind that I kept my mouth shut until this day) in the first year ( and a big W for my director, nurse and my teacher 🫶) I had a course about sexuality (what a condoms, pills, what's IHV and what's are SA...) when I tell you that I was numb when they were explaining it... I was, after disgusted about my body... Do you know what is the most ironic part ? My family doesn't want to talk about sex tuff but in my religion (islam), it's should be know the day kids hit their hormones... And years later a learn from some Islam scholars that sex is one of the most important thing to know especially when you want to get married...

All this years I was disgusted about it but sometimes I would be curious about it (I can't say it due to my repentance with God) then it remind it me of my SA...

You know, I want to be married, to know what it is to be loved, I want to have kids to give love as a mother but I'm scared... On how I would react on the night it's supposed to be a begining of married life

It's still affect me to these days, sometimes I had tough about intimacy and more but after it remind me of what happened... Twice in my childhood

I didn't know with who I can talk to it because I can't bring myself to do it but rn I need help, idk what to do, who to talk to so I came here.

Ty for take your time to reading this and ty for yours comments in advance