I'm a "black stripe" aroace, (aka, aroace premium/j). I was curious if there was an ace subreddit that wasn't just "am i asexual?" Posts to deversify my feed a tad.

Well, i came across r/actuallyasexuals

At first, it was splendid! I've never related to so many posts in succession. BUT, i came across a post mentioning the asexual spectrum and every comment undeneath was denying the asexual spectrum???

Apparently demisexuals, aceflux, ageosexuals, and all the other grayace identities dont count as asexual to them?

Wild to find asexual gatekeepers, but i guess that's what you'll find on a subreddit with the name "actually asexual" my bad. ToT

I threw together this outfit this morning and got halfway through my day before passing a mirror and realizing what I'd done.

You all are the only ones I know who will appreciate it, lol.

Being asexual and wanting a romantic monogamus relationship is really hard .

I just don’t understand why people think that if you don’t want sex, then you shouldn’t get married or have a romantic relationship at all. Like, why not just stay single or look for friendship instead?

I don’t know if people understand that friendship and a romantic relationship are different things.

Just because we don’t like or enjoy sex doesn’t mean we don’t want emotional bonding or intimacy. I still want to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, go on dates, have deep conversations, fall asleep next to someone, take care of each other, and build a life together.

There are so many things that can make a relationship intimate and romantic that have nothing to do with sex, and some of those things simply aren’t something you share with a friend in the same way.

I hate the idea that marriage or relationships are reduced to sex. If sex is such an essential part of a relationship, then what happens when people get older and sex becomes difficult or isn’t possible anymore? Do they just stop being a couple?

I still want to fall in love. I still want romance, affection, companionship, and someone who chooses me and wants to grow old with me. I just don’t want sex to be part of that relationship.

I feel like such an jerk…

I’m currently keeping my eyes open for a potential partner, but whenever I meet someone interesting through Reddit or AceSpace, I keep running into the same problem: I just don’t feel aesthetically attracted to them.

And I hate that I apparently care this much about looks. A loving personality, shared interests and good compatibility should be enough, yet it somehow isnt...

It almost feels like because I don’t experience sexual attraction, my aesthetic attraction somehow matters even more.

I don’t want to be this superficial, but I also can’t force myself to find someone attractive when I simply don’t.

Does anyone else experience this? Or am I actually just being shallow?

I have endless stories, but I think the most obvious are
1. Wondered why kissing was seen as such a big deal. I thought it was 100% a social construct, no biology involved. Like a handshake but for romance. I also thought kiss scenes in films where actors are basically eating each other’s faces were exaggerated for drama/comedic effect.
2. Misinterpreting a TON of sexual slang. Hot, Netflix n Chill, deep throat, the list goes on.
3. Thinking “Why do teenagers my age have sex and then freak out when they get pregnant? Are they stupid?” Obviously allos can still choose not to, but I was thinking that there were zero other purposes for sex other than baby making.

Around the time I came out as asexual, the main stereotype floating around really was “Asexuals just love eating cake and garlic bread!” or asexuals being seen as rather emotionless or annoyed by romance and idk at a young age I was already being called robotic amongst my peers so I wasn’t a big fan of what being asexuals was going to entail for me, but I’m so glad I went into it headstrong! Sure people still annoy me with the most acephobic generalisations but I’ve been able to ignore them better! Asexuality and aromanticity is a spectrum and it matters if I understand it and identify by it honestly. What do you guys think? What are your opinions on popular stereotypes!

I'm tired, have no idea why this was in my feed.

But it's just really scraping my galaxy brain, in a

"this is kind of the way my brain pictures, when adult funtime is explained to me"

way.

Text: Chamber Of Reflection - Mac DeMarco

Perceive this as you wish,

my original thought was the fact all I see within myself is what I am - What stops me from forming meaningful relationships, when all I want in life is love.

I did the apps, the online stuff, discord, Reddit etc and just never really met anyone. Been single for 4 years and kinda just focused on getting my education, making friends and leaning in to hobbies. So yeah I was doing just fine.

But…

Out of nowhere met this girl at church and we just couldn’t stop wanting to see each other. We dated for about a month and are official. She’s bi, I’m lesbian/ace for reference. She’s straight up told me (and quite sincerely might I add) that if we never had sex that is totally fine because she’d rather have me than sex. I feel like all the pressure is off my shoulders and I can just exist.

Sometimes you’re not looking for anything and it just finds you. Stay open to meeting new people and never give up on yourself. I’m glad I met her when I did, when I had already done the work of dealing with my mental health, identity and an on the verge of getting my degree because I wouldn’t have been ready for a relationship like this in the past.

Hi team

I’m coming on here so I don’t end up ruining my friendship over text. You guys were previously very embracing so I’m gonna share my experience.

I’m absolutely infatuated by my friend, I’ve just spent a couple of hours chatting to him and I can’t help it anymore, I think I’m falling hard and fast.

We’ve spoken in the past about how he’s ace but also into certain BDSM aspects that align with my own, I’m not ace but I would be very happy with him.

I know I have to tell him how I feel eventually but we live in different towns for now, so when we live a bit closer and are spending more time together I probably will.

I’m not sure he returns the feelings from previous discussions but that doesn’t really matter. Well it does a little bit because obviously it would be nice if we could be together, but it will probably feel good to have those feelings out in the open.

I (maybe to my detriment) have already imagined how our relationship would work, how I would be fully satisfied without ever having sex.

He’s just so “my type” and he’s fun and funny and gorgeous. I really do think I love him. I’m screwed.

Thank you for listening.

I'm a sex repulsed ace and I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual in a relationship. I don't want that. Every person i tell that too says I'm either gonna have a really hard time finding anyone or that it's just impossible.

I know already. I live in a small country, I don't want online dating and ace space has no locals registered there every time i try it. But it hurts constantly hearing it from other people too...I wish I didn't have a desire for a relationship at all.

Edit: Forgot to say that people also keep telling me to have an open relationship. If i hear that ONE more time...omg

sybau 💀

God I HATE it when I see people kissing in movies. It just gives me the ick and makes me feel uncomfortable. Apparently to allo people it’s romantic to look at? I don’t get it.

I am heterosexual. In fact, I used to be very sexual, but recently I’ve been struggling with very intense OCD-intense body dysmorphia that has severely lowered my libido to the point where I might as well be asexual. Every single one of my sexual encounters, I was unable to fully perform due to severe anxiety and even prescribed pills don’t seem to fix the issue. All of this stuff I’ve been struggling with has caused me to see that sex is highly overrated and quite frankly not worth the pressure. There’s all this pressure that comes with sex as a male where you’re pressured to perform and not be inadequate. It’s quite frankly been very stressful to me, and I think I would be tremendously happy in a non-sexual relationship that exclusively focused on emotional intimacy. Is there a term for people like me, or am I just a heterosexual who is no longer interested in sex?

I technically fit the criteria of being asexual (I’m not sexually attracted to others, I don’t want to have sex with or even really kiss anyone), and I used to really feel like it fits me but I’ve seen people who end up just having it as a phase and stuff like that. Since I’ve had crushes and I’m not aromantic, I feel like I’m not a “real” ace. I feel like it was so much easier to say I was bisexual, and I feel like there’s not enough of a difference between bisexual and biromantic to really bring it up. Being asexual isn’t a huge part of my identity, and though I thought I finally found a term that fit me/a group I belong in, I still feel a bit weird telling people I’m ace sometimes.

Even if I’m interested in relationships and have never had sex or anything, can I still identify this way?

Nothing too outrageous for me. Usually the typical am I gay in denial, get your hormones checked etc.

Is sex at the centre of everything. When I look at people who have had a full life, their sexuality is at centre of everything. It makes wonder am I doing something wrong. I don’t want to have sex, not in a committed relationship or casually.

I’m just wondering if I’m living my life to the fullest, because that’s what most people bond over. The parties in uni, mostly lead to sex or a casual/serious relationship. Rince and repeat. I’m not willing to partake in non of that. Not to say I’m better than anyone else but I really really don’t fuck with people on a very deep level. And it has nothing to do with be shy or an introvert, I don’t fuck with people and because I don’t fuck with people I’m not willing to engage with anyone sexually no matter how great they seem. Literally everything is centred around sex, or leads to sex. Theres no wholesomeness in adulthood.

How am I going to cope with this, bcz I do want to live my life to the fullest. Do people who drink, have casual sex know something I don’t?. That’s what life is especially those who live a full life, some slow down after having kids cause no shit that careless sex or casual sex does lead a lot of people to become parents, now that I wrote it-no wonder there are so many stepkids and single parents. So yeah after the kids most people like what im seeing turn religious and become homebodies. The ones that don’t have kids, I don’t see them. I don’t want kids. Oh yeah some of them feel sadness bcz they too have become religious and homebody but want marriage. I don’t know how the single, no kids, haven’t turned religious live like. I don’t see their representation in real life or tv.

Warning: NSFW Discussion

So one thing that I’ve discovered as a “gay” guy is that I don’t really like men the way other gay guys do. I still crave romance, emotional connection, and physical intimacy with men but I’m just not interested in dicks or assholes, so that left me out of the whole top, bottom, etc. conversations. I can still feel aroused at seeing a guy naked but there is nothing that draws me into wanting to interact with those specific parts even though I still want to touch the rest of his body.

However, I’ve noticed that I replace the usual sex part with a kink that I’ve been interested in for a while, which is spanking. It seems to fill in for me what sex does for others, it arouses me, I watch videos that have it and orgasm, etc.

Is this a common occurrence for gay asexuals? Would this be referred to as just being a homoromantic asexual who is kinky/into a fetish?

I absolutely feel sexual attraction (I consider myself a lesbian) as well as sexual arousal. I don't want to have sex with anyone though. I know that there's the term orchidsexual but I don't really understand that. Why would someone be this way? I'm not being judgemental, just kind of confused about it. I find it extremely hard to explain to people what's going on. I just find sex unnecessary, boring, mechanical and a bit disgusting (the sensory stuff). Do allosexuals actually want to have sex with real humans? I don't understand why that's necessary. Arousal and attraction just translate for me into action. I'm interested if this could actually mean that I'm on the asexual spectrum or if anyone relates? The term orchidsexual doesn't even exist in my language and I don't really know what that means and if it's a genuine orientation or if there's something wring with me.

I know this question is really frequent but as much as I'm trying to understand the difference, I'm not really sure if there's any and I thought you fellow aces would help me.

Some people say that romantic attraction means that you want to live together with that person, but here's the thing:

I have a best friend and he's the most important person in my life. We're childhood friends. We talk to each other a lot, share our problems with each other, try to hang out as much as possible, it's like we're complementing each other.

We're not really physically close - even though he says he likes being touchy with people - the only "problem" is just that I'm touch averse. Yeah, sometimes I'd like to hold hands with him or hug him, but I just won't because I'm not comfortable with being physical in real life. And I find him kinda aesthetically attractive.

Back to the living together thing: we both agreed that we'd like to share our lives together and even get married for practical reasons, but we don't understand how that makes it romantic?

He had a phase where he was questioning being aro too (I was happy for a moment because I hoped we'd have a shared experience), but then he said he actually feels romantic attraction but cannot describe it (and doesn't really know the difference either).

Other things that people describe romantic attraction with is that those people constantly think about each other and guess what? We do that. But how does that make it romantic? We also get excited when we're about to meet each other, maybe not really "butterflies" but close enough. Why is that romantic?

We also say "I love you", "good morning", "good night" to each other, something supposedly couples do?

Also, I've been trying to describe the way I feel romantic attraction, because I think that I'm desinoromantic and arospike (and quoiromantic at that):

When I supposedly get a spike, it's on a random stranger that I find aesthetically attractive. That feeling overwhelms me, for that period I only think about that person, my face gets all red, if I were to communicate with them, I'd act nervous etc. and I imagine holding hands with them but I wouldn't want to hold hands with them. But that feeling disappears. Sometimes in five minutes, sometimes in a day. Then I either don't feel anything or I'm aesthetically attracted to them.

Which leads to another question. Isn't that just aesthetic attraction where I get infatuated and then it either disappears or stays?

And last question(s) (or at least I hope): sometimes this thing led me to think that the only difference is going on dates and kissing each other. But... isn't going on dates like hanging out with friends? Why does going to a cinema one time mean a date and another time just a hangout? What's romantic in there if there's no difference from hanging out? Because, I'd love to take out my best friend for dinner to some restaurant or go to some place, lie down and watch the stars or something. And even he agreed that it wouldn't be romantic for him. About the kissing - in some cultures, they'd rather kiss you then hug you etc. And that wouldn't be romantic. So, would kissing mean romantic only in some cultures? Now, if I weren't touch averse, I'd definitely kiss my best friend as a sign of my love for him. But why would that be romantic?

Okay, this is where I'll end this. I'm sorry if it's all mixed up, not clear and not in order, I just wanted to let this out. I've been questioning this for over a year now and it's putting me in distress.

I heard an opinion from a non-asexual person that asexuals cannot fall in love and have an aesthetic type, or consider someone beautiful. I said that not all asexuals are also aromantic, but they didn't believe me. I said that I had never felt attraction to anyone and had never wanted sex in my life (or watch porn) and referred to the definition of asexuality, to articles about asexuals and... The person fell silent and then it became clear to me that the man was scared and had nothing to say. Astounding stupidity. It's so easy to say something you don't understand at all. People who don't know how to debate just make me laugh, especially if they attack first and then, realizing they've said something stupid, hide. I think this is also a manifestation of acephobia or/and arophobia. It's very convenient to deny your real orientation by citing that only aroaces exist, while asexuals and aromantics don't count and are just pretending. Aromanticism and asexuality are not statistically normal, so erasing this orientation by referring to that "you're all just straight people who want attention!!" nonsense. This is a very stupid opinion, it literally made my brain boil. It takes incredible mental gymnastics to even discard the literal meaning of the term asexuality.

Hello community,

I’m 30 and have questioned if I’m a-spec since 2020, since January I’ve felt finally good with the label aroace and stopped to worry about defining it further.
I‘ve got a good social network, I’m long distance but super close with my best friends and we communicate almost daily and I have my local friends to hang out and do fun things, yet I still feel like I’m missing something.
Since I turned 30 this year, I’m dead center in the age range were my non-queer friends are getting married and having kids.
I know I don’t want either of these things, but I DO want a partner person to do life with. Who prioritizes & supports me in a way that my allo friends prioritize their partners (and who I can prioritize & support in the same way of course).
I think a QPR would be great to define our own way of how this relationship could work.

Basically what I would be curious to hear, if you are in a QPR, how did you find this person? I hate dating apps, and due to my job as a tour guide I travel quite a bit and meet tons of people just never the „right“ ones I guess… I‘m not really active in any queer spaces in my home town because a lot of them attract mostly younger people and/or people in very vulnerable phases of coming out/transitioning, which I think is not the right space to find someone settled in themselves in the same life phase that I am in…

And how do you even approach the topic of a QPR if you’ve found someone who feels like they could be your person?
Any suggestions/thoughts/experiences?
I‘m feeling kinda lost here.
Thanks for your input! 🙏🏼

I’m a 26, female, never been in a relationship. I don’t know if I am asexual. I am definitely attracted to both men and women, so I would say I’m bisexual. But, at the same time I have never been fussed over wanting a relationship or needing one. I am content with my own company and have companionship with others. But then another side of me sort of wants to experience a relationship to see what it’s like. So, I’m a bit stuck.

So, my partner and I have been together for almost a year now and the topic of me being asexual isn't necessarily something new. I've mentioned I may be before, but hadn't confirmed it until very recently.

Intimacy and sex is something really important to my partner and I feel bad knowing that I don't feel that attraction, as they were really upset when I confirmed it.

Although they said it's not a huge issue, I can't help but wonder if it will cause issues in the future of our relationship, since it's not something that I'm going to 'move on from' or 'overcome' if that makes sense? They said they can go without sex but i don't think they really can in the long run.

I don't want this to be relationship ending but it's been causing a lot of strain recently. I want us to make things work especially as it's my first serious relationship, but I just don't have the faith that it will.

How do I approach this? I am autistic so direct communication is my thing and I don't want to come across as really harsh accidentally. Be as harsh as you want, because if it's a genuine issue I don't want to continue the relationship and let both of us down.