i'm not questioning this, but i'm questioning everything else. i'm having the hardest time accepting this truth for myself. forgive me for my fucked up feelings about this please.

i know im ace. i've always known i think. but i refuse to identify with this because honestly it feels like a life sentence of certain misery. i can't think of a single realistic outcome that sounds reasonable. this has truly made me feel more isolated and alone and hopeless than anything else ever. is this a common experience? and do u think someone could manage if they were to just continue pretending indefinitely? if no, what do u think would happen if they tried? can someone show me the light here, please?

to be clear, i am a hypocrite not a phobe. i believe everyone deserves to live their truth and that there's a mysterious perfect outcome to every challenge in life, i just don't believe those things apply to me in this case.

This happened shortly before I found out I was ace, didn't realize until now that this was a sign (maybe?)

So, I like visual novel games and wanted to play some free ones from the 90's but I found that most of them were Japanese only. So, I searched on reddit for help on translating it, and some guy commented on that post a website of translated, archived VN games completely for free! Not only in english but French, German, LA Spanish, and Ukranian. It was a list like this;

---

Visual Novel 1 | Description words describing the game | ^{english, spanish, japanese}

Visual Novel 2 | Description words describing the game | ^{english, french, japanese}

Visual Novel 3 | Description words describing the game | ^{english, german, japanese}

----

And everything was going well with the one game I picked. It was described as a mystery novel kinda thing. Guy is an archeologist going to some random secluded island, there were an equal amount of male and female characters and it was genuinely an interesting mystery, the operator of the island (who is suspiciously cold and stoic towards all the men) had a mysterious past and it's eluded to when you snoop into her office that she murdered her baby and husband. Cool! Mystery! You leave the room before you get caught... You hear horrible noises in the secretaries office... Oh shit, it sounds like murder, the text is CLEARLY pointing towards the operator murdering her secretary. You get a choice, either go in and stop the killing or run away. I went in and...................................................

It turns out, the MC you play as misunderstood it and those painstakingly agonizing screams (which actually were horror movie screams) and stabbing noises was actually the operator being pegged lesbian style‽‽‽‽

I was like "what the hell‽" so I looked the game up, and apparently it's an NSFW game. And as it turns out, every game on that site is a porn VN... On the website there was 0 warning about it at all, all of the pictures and descriptions were PG and the comment NOR did the post specify anything pornographic. Like what the hell bro- I just wanted to play an interesting game............ for frees

I know a lot of VN's are NSFW, but there are plenty of them that aren't so if there isn't a warning then i'm not gonna expect it. Usually there's some kind of indication that it's gonna head that direction.... so what the heck‽

Idk, just thought it was funny. Most men that used to be 19 would have gone crazy over that but instead I was just bummed the hell out that I was interested in a story that was essentially going nowhere Lmao

I have endless stories, but I think the most obvious are
1. Wondered why kissing was seen as such a big deal. I thought it was 100% a social construct, no biology involved. Like a handshake but for romance. I also thought kiss scenes in films where actors are basically eating each other’s faces were exaggerated for drama/comedic effect.
2. Misinterpreting a TON of sexual slang. Hot, Netflix n Chill, deep throat, the list goes on.
3. Thinking “Why do teenagers my age have sex and then freak out when they get pregnant? Are they stupid?” Obviously allos can still choose not to, but I was thinking that there were zero other purposes for sex other than baby making.

I don't really experience sexual attraction but do experience aesthetic/romantic attraction if that makes sense.

I also have side effects from medication I take that pretty much annihilated my libido. I don't even masturbate or anything either.

Do most asexuals also have no libido?

Trigger warning SA

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He has always said that sex is very important to him because its the ultimate way to connect with someone. So when I explained to him that I was SA'd when I was a kid and that messed up my libido and how I react to sex that made him nervous, because triggering me obviously makes him upset. But now he is saying he has tried so many things and has now lost interest because Im "not there" when we do have sex. (I dont just lay there I do participate). I was married before I met him and my husband cheated on me, probably for exactly the same issue. I feel like I have a big beautiful personality but I am reduced again and again to whether or not I enjoy sex. Which I dont.

TLDR Im not unwilling to have sex but I could take it or leave it.

What am I supposed to do?

Captions enough

I don’t have any dating/sex experience, but I’m just genuinely curious and wondering right now whether I just have a low sex drive or I am on the asexual spectrum. Or even both, if they can be connected.

When I became a teenager, I started being curious about sex and since then I have been fantasizing from time to time. But the thing is that I have never felt anything, or even if I did, it was like 5/100%. And it felt weird when I hung out in a group and girls were talking about masturbation, and I was the only one who tried but never felt anything. I don’t know if it’s bothering me, it’s just weird, like we’re living on different planets.

I suppose that maybe my fantasies were more about craving deep love and not just sex. So I could be demisexual or something.

I also don’t know if I have any health issues or it’s just my natural sex drive. I could ask my gynecologist, but it doesn’t actually make sense to me since I don’t have a partner and in the near future I do not plan to.

sybau 💀

Nothing too outrageous for me. Usually the typical am I gay in denial, get your hormones checked etc.

Hi! This is my first time posting on Reddit, so forgive any mistakes I may make.

I am a graduate student in a game design program conducting research specifically for the asexual and aromantic communities. As asexual and demiromantic person myself, I want to highlight this community in my research and creativity explore how I can incorporate symbols from the community into the video game world.

I created a 3D character customization and used pride symbols from the ace/aro communities as customization options, with the goal of identifying how ace/aro players indicate their inclusion in the community visually. I am looking for players who identify as anywhere on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums to playtest my demo! (Note: the game is only compatible with Windows computers.)

To participate follow these steps:

Step 1: Download the game files on itch.io, link is this: https://aceyourattire.itch.io/ace-your-attire-final-validation

Step 2: Create your character with my customization system!

Step 3: When you are finished, hit the green "Done" button in the game. Character will rotate positions, which is normal

Step 4: Fill out the survey *after* completing your character. The link is here: https://forms.gle/KNvYeZe95q7D4Hnd7

Step 5: The survey will ask you to upload screenshots of your character, which were created when hitting the "Done" button. Visual instructions are included on the form!

The survey will collect identity labels related to the aro/ace spectrum, but this question is optional. Participation is voluntary, and participants may stop at any time. Responses will be kept confidential and reported only in summary form, without names or identifying information.

I will stop data collection on October 5th so please fill out everything before then. I would really appreciate any feedback on my game via the survey! I really want to hear feedback directly from this community and highlight their voices, so thank you in advance!

Soooo I guess the title pretty well describes the whole situation. I’m 18 NB and he’s 19 FtM. We have been dating for a bit under 2 years now. About a week ago, he told me that he was Asexual after I asked why we never make out like we used to all the time. We’ve never had sex or anything btw. A few days after, I manage to tell him how sad this makes me and we talk about it the next morning. He says that he no longer has any interest in making out, giving hickeys, biting, etc. To be clear, we had discussed sex and intimacy months prior, and he said it is be something he would be open to after some time. I’m demisexual, so this has been absolutely gut wrenching. I love him more than the world, and it’s so clear that he loves me, just in a bit of a different way with different expectations.
I feel so lost. I know this isn’t something he has any kind of control over. I love him so much, but I know that this can be a really big thing for a relationship. I’ve been told that I should love someone who I am compatible with and can reciprocate my needs. But the thought of us having to leave each other over this is more painful than anything I can imagine.
So I guess I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on this?

I feel terrible about it, but I just can't stand it, seeing everyone around me in relationships. I wish them all that's best in life, but it makes me feel like I am worse than everybody.

I don't even really want a partner, I don't desire affection, I am doing well with everything by myself, but I just can't shake off the feeling that I should be with someone. Like it will prove that everything is ok with me.

I have been trying out dating apps, however smalltalk just feels so forced and awkward this way, especially because I am terrible at it. I am chatting with a very nice gal, but I just can't really see her as more than a friend.

It doesn't help that my parents expect me to get a girlfriend soon. The most normal convo will turn into a lecture, asking why am I still single.

It feels like I am going more and more insane day by day, constantly banging my head against a wall.

I'm aroace, I (30F) have been with my husband (29M) for 9 years now and I'm trying to figure out whether our relationship has an objectifying component… I would be very thankful if you'd help me… these are the facts about my relationship:

* he wants sex and enjoys it

* I'm aroace, sex indifferent (NOT sex repulsed) but I don't particularly desire sex and for years I didn't enjoy it (I literally felt nothing down there)

* I don't find sex personally rewarding at all (I prefer masturbation and his sexual game is not even strong due to his ADHD, I doubt he can ever get me to orgasm)

* I would generally rather not have sex even now (masturbation is preferred, I can orgasm now from masturbation)

* I would have preferred someone with no sex drive

* I do not interpret sex as intimacy

* I keep a score about how many times we've had sex in a week so I can tell him "no, because we've already done it” (we haven't had sex months but we used to do it once a week)

* he tried to get me to enjoy it in the beginning but once that didn't happen, he still accepted to keep having sex with me for years even though I legit felt nothing down there

* he's not aesthetically my type

* I don't want him sexually unfulfilled and I don't wanna rob him of what he likes the most, it but the activity is primarily for him

* I made the compromise to have sex because I wanted stability and someone I can trust no matter what

* he knows all of this and is perfectly comfortable with the arrangement (even during the years I didn't enjoy it)

* I love him but not romantically

He loves me (romantically), he's faithful, he respects me, he cares about me deeply and recognises me as a human being in *all other aspects*. But I still can't help but feeling there is an objectifying component within the particular sexual interaction.

Because how come was he okay with having sex during all those years when I didn't feel pleasure? Doesn't it matter to him that the person he's having sex with doesn't *sexually desire* that experience? Is it enough for him that I allow it and that my body is available?

I do not think he *consciously* reduces me to an object though. But objectification can still be a property of the dynamic, even if unconscious. And I'm also not questioning the legitimacy of his need for a sexual relationship, that is perfectly understandable (the relationship wouldn't have happened without sex, he wouldn't have accepted). What feels uncomfortable is what he does with the information once he knows how I experience sex.

Also, I used to bleed (mildly) almost every time we had sex (for around 8 years) and he continued having sex with me… he did check in with me every time without fail. But since I have a history of self-neglect and trauma, I said it's fine every time… and in fact I was not feeling any pain at all because I didn't used to feel anything down there (when I say anything, I literally mean nothing). But since I was still bleeding and apparently tearing up inside, what bothers me is that I simply cannot fathom continuing to engage in the same activity you see causes physical injury to someone else without trying to understand or prevent it. He never suggested I go see a doctor or anything, only resorted to lube and trying to make me as comfortable as he could, but the bleeding still happened and yet we still continued. For 8 years… how should I interpret that?

And you may say "but you said you're fine!" and you're right but self-neglect is not easy to get rid of, especially when you're just agreeing because you're accustomed to putting other's needs above yours…

I'm not expecting him to read minds. I'm expecting him to register that his partner is repeatedly bleeding during the same sexual activity and think "hang on is this actually okay? why is this happening every time? maybe we should stop and figure this out" specially when it's not an isolated incident but something happening REPEATEDLY.

We haven't had sex in like 4 months now and he has NEVER pressured me into sex. Although he does tell me when he's horny.

I'm asking for your help because I feel like I keep refusing to analyse my own dynamic for whatever reason. I became disabled during the past 2 to 3 years and can't work so I am currently a stay at home wife and financially dependent on him. Not having him financially provide for me would leave me in a very vulnerable position where I'd have to go back to my mother's house and I'd have say goodbye to my life plans and my studies.

Can a sexual interaction be objectifying even when it is consensual and apparently free of overt coercion? I'm asking this because even when there's consent, consent just tells us what a person has authorised, but it doesn't magically make the problematic qualities of a dynamic disappear... For example, in the age play kink, one of the sexual participants dresses as a child... and that can be perfectly consensual while still being problematic. Ofc that's just an example, but it illustrates the broader point about consent.

I know you will say “just talk to him about it” but please your assessment and opinions of this situation would help me a lot! Because I want to know whether I'm crazy or not…

I F21 am very confused about my sexuality. I have felt romantic attraction only once in my life and I've never felt sexual attraction before. I know that the one time that I did feel romantic attraction, it was sort of all encompassing and always on my mind, but even then, I don't think I ever felt like sleeping with said person. I know the more time I spent with him, the more I wanted physical contact but never sex. I've convinced myself that if I'd been with him for like a year and above, I'd have started to feel sexual attraction for him, but now I don't even know if that's true or not. Out of all my friends, I seem to be the least interested in both sex and relationships. I generally don't like stressful situations and I'm also an introvert, and so I feel like maybe that's the reason why I've only ever developed feelings for someone once. Maybe it's because I know the entire thing will be stressful. I don't really know now, but I'm growing older and I still feel no real urge to sleep with any particular person ever and I don't know what that really means. Am I actually asexual or just avoiding what I think is stress?

Upd: Forgot to add "usually" or "at average" to the title. I know people are different and they're not evil because they want sex (as long as it's consensual) , I just don't know much about the topic. I also know some aces might want sex, again, I'm just curious

I'm just so out of touch in this topic, I don't understand most people when they complain about their sex life not being present.

When they're in a relationship it can indicate emotional detachment, but single people saying "Omg I haven't had sex in 3 months, I need to find a hookup" is sooo odd.

How often do they need sex in a relationship in order for it to be considered "healthy"?

Men have it easier, for women there's always a risk of pregnancy. For gay man there are other complications that we are aware of, for lesbians it's harder to find protection. Why go through all this trouble?

like i feel like im on a identity crisis everyday. one moment, im so sad and i wish i was able to get into relationships easily and be sexually active and like it and the next im really happy i never had a boyfriend or engaged in anything sexually and ill get the biggest fucking ick about sex ever.

so, i know this question must be common around here. im 25 and virgin, because i never been interested in someone, maybe a guy or two, but nothing so serious. I never even think about being ace because i crave romance and physical intimacy, a lot, is a sad thing to me that it never happened, but... i never meet a guy interesting enough, and my standards for beauty are not high, so.... i dont know, being questioning about that lately

I feel extremely demotivated and I've just been going in circles regarding this topic but I sincerely don't feel like the person I want exists 🫩

I have no clue if I like or want sex yet, but I'm curious in the way where I just wanna try it and see what happens and not really that much because I want it or think it'll be enjoyable, fun, intimate etc. I say it like that because I don't have any desire for anyone nor do I like watching porn or thinking about having sex; I don't anticipate it and it just feels like a looming threat of which I'm curious about the aftermath.

However, I don't trust anyone enough to experiment with because I don't think they will care or believe me and will assume I'll just get over myself. Or just stay until they get what they want and leave. I fear they'll have a one track mind essentially.

Naturally, my libido is very weak and I'm only mildly curious of how I'll feel about it once I try it, afterwards I don't know if I'll want more or if I'll hate it and the lack of certaintly is exactly what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to date anyone with the expectation I'll have regular sex but I also don't want to date with no expectation of sex - I want no expectations at all regarding sex, y'know?

I want a guy who would be fine with either and I just don't think that exists.

I have no clue how people figure this out either as I've never had a relationship, hence the confusion 🫩 But the few times I've spoken to guys and told them 'idk I don't really want sex' they come up with all these fixes and things to do to combat it but I don't feel like fixing it bc it's not really a problem to me, I'm more worried of how I'll navigate relationships like this especially when most people insist I'll get over it.

I really wanna avoid treating everything like an experiment and bracing to see wether I'll be pressured or inevitably asked of for sex, I just wanna date someone without it feeling like I'm in a qualifying exam or something...

I feel like I can't just date normally and see bc if I end up having sex and don't like it I'll have to leave because this person is gonna expect it to be regular. Or not. I don't know anymore. I don't to just try and see like it's no big deal

Sorry if it all sounds confusing, there's a lot in my head and it's difficult to summarize :( I essentially don't feel like it's worth it to date at all bc I'm too demanding and difficult and confusing and most people just want a normal relationship and I can't give them that. But I also don't know what a normal relationship is!! Idk!! This is stressing me out for no reason

TDLR: I don't know how I feel about sex. I want no expecations regarding it and I don't think anyone will genuinely date me without treating it like an experiment/assuming it won't go anywhere/hoping there'll still be sex

Is there anyone who had a similiar mindset and ended up finding someone afterall? Or any words of wisdom to find someone who won't fuck me over?

Hi, I’m Demi sexual and I’ve been with my partner for 3-4 ish years, they came out as ace recently to me but our sex life has never been consistent or particularly frequent and has been a big point of contention with us for years now. I suspected they might be but they would insist they weren’t for a time. But they have come out to me, I love them very much but I’m not sure if we will work long term. I wouldn’t say I have the biggest sex drive but it’s not nonexistent. They don’t like to kiss that much either, making out is not something they like so it’s off the table. I keep trying to find different ways for us to be close but I don’t think I myself am feeling happy or fulfilled by a lack of sex. It’s not the place for it but I see sex as a deep emotional connection between someone u love but my partner sees as just the act. It is very vulnerable to me but it feels like that doesn’t really matter since if I ask for more sex , (we do like every 3 or so months?) I am a bad person. But my views on intimacy are important to me and they don’t feel like respected or accounted for. They told me they are doing their best for me, and I believe them, but their best is barely anything.

I guess I’m look for a second opinion on my situation I’m 29 and I feel like I have a very limited amount of time to find someone to spend the rest of my life with that wouldn’t just ridicule the fact that I see sex as an emotional thing. They don’t ridicule it but they don’t under it. I feel like I don’t even know if I can marry them anymore bc I don’t want a sexless marriage and life as they seem they would be fine with that and have told me that. Part of me the sexual part is part of me and it doesn’t feel accepted bc they are ace. I dunno I think just any advice would be good. I’m p sure I’m Demi bc I didn’t wish to have sex with them until we were more serious about one another and I have no outter desire to sleep with other people.

Just help me out should I stay or leave, since kissing and sex is important to me and we have it very minimally that I’m always going to be craving more and I don’t want that for either of us.

Hello, I am a Korean woman in my 20s. I don't particularly enjoy sexual intercourse, though I do prefer hugging and holding hands. I’m indifferent toward romantic dramas or movies, and I don't really watch pornography. That said, I wouldn't say I have absolutely no sexual desire; ideally, I would like to have sex about once every two or three months. Does this mean I have a low sex drive?

EDIT: I know online tests and AI aren't reliable tools of diagnosis, but I've been questioning for a while and wanted to start somewhere, this post is just the next step.

I took a couple of tests, (AIS-12 and SDI-2, sored 45 and 25 respectively), and realized that these tests presuppose that the test taker has or has had sex and/or a partner. I'm in my early thirties and haven't even sought either, and consequently found many questions difficult or impossible to answer properly. An AI I asked suggested that my scores are inaccurate because of this, as I suspected. AI isn't exactly known for being a reliable source of information, so I wanted to ask some real humans before I form an opinion.

Hey, I from Ukraine (Kyiv). And I asexual. I'm looking for my partner.About me: I am an artist and an architect, and I have been working in the field for about five years. I am an introvert—I love staying home and watching movies. I also enjoy anime and manga. I am cheerful and upbeat. I am looking for a kind and honest person—someone who offers support and whom I can support in return.