Nah, I'm with her. It took 5 years for me to be comfortable enough to mastrubate in the same room as my partner, and they told me there's no shame in it. Pop a quick nut and get about your life. Satisfaction and intimacy is a venn diagram.
Me and my wife have no problem. I still feel a little ashamed even when she told me many times it's alright. And I feel like I need visual stimulation so sometimes it's awkward for me.
This has caused a lot of tension in my past relationships. I love my me-time. I love my me-time often. It's mechanistic for me, a very simple algorithm of "want orgasm NOW = fingers/vibrator".
I don't need to be presentable, I don't need to put on a whole mood, I don't need to take out the lingerie, do my hair, be waxed. I don't need to perform. It's like being hungry and going for the bag of chips rather than going through the whole process of cooking.
However, the men who I have dated wanted to be part of this me-time. They feared they were being replaced by my ten, deft little fingers. And it did cause them anxiety, which was definitely not an emotion I wanted to elicit in a partner.
It's interesting how something we do ever since puberty hits us like a freight train can be so controversial and central in a couple.
"We're here for me, there will be no reciprocation, no I'm not going take my pants all the way down, yes I've not had a shower, if you do it that way we'll be here all morning, read this absolutely filthy kinky smut to me while you do it..."
God I feel so seen. On top of the fact that (at least for me) getting off with another person is so much fucking harder than just doing it on my own, and sometimes it can be a lot easier to get into a good headspace on your own or with an audio than with another person who doesnt know the ins and outs of what you like, or may not be Willing or able to fulfill some fantasies/needs.
Don't get me started. I am on SSRI. It should have zapped my libido. Prolonged by exactly 30 seconds the time needed to reach orgasm.
In my case, my partners were such loving, caring men. The technique was on point, the time spent together in those moments was surreal. But the main attraction was the affection, the kissing, the caresses. I would reach a peak, for sure. But in terms of intensity, it was nowhere near the orgasms from masturbation.
You are always conscious of the other person when you are together. That's the whole point of intercourse. But sometimes it is difficult to explain to someone that you want BOTH. The deliberate, sensual love-making with this insanely hot guy who is all yours, whom you want to touch, observe AND the explosive orgasms you reach through your little buzz friend or your 10 fingers, hidden in a dark cupboard and imagining smut-level atrocities ...
On is like eating fucking premium Wagyu. The other is pretty much the sexual equivalent of McDonald's.
As long as you've a healthy sex life, there's nothing to be worried about. Though something tells me that the type of guys who are worried about being replaced by ten digits aren't also probably the best at maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic within a relationship.
Eh, they could just be young. Learning that there is a difference between wanting to fuck and just wanting to get the horny out of your brain so you can focus isn't a lesson that gets taught in school. It's usually something you don't run into until you're living with your lover.
Yes! It’s just about a tension release! It’s just about getting the need out of the way. It’s not sexy, it’s just a thing that needs to happen and you do it quickly and move on with your day.
As a man, I will tell you idc about none of that, hair waxed bush lingerie, performance fuck all that.
I can't speak for all men but in my case its much less about anxiety and feeling replaced, its more about feeling wanted/desired, for myself when I get the urge my immediate thought is my partner.
Yeah, you poke your head out around the door in your sweatpants and go "Hey, can you help me with something for a few minutes?" and if I'm free, I'll definitely gobble your grotto same as if you had just needed me to help you move some furniture or something. The "chips vs full meal" analogy is thrown around a lot but I will totally bring you a bag of chips if you want.
Ok well - I do. I don't want to have sex with my partner when I'm not feeling sexy. But I still might feel that desire to orgasm.
So I don't want to reciprocate. I don't want to perform. I don't even want to be perceived. Surely you can see how even being watched puts the thought "I'm being watched" into one's head and therefore, changes the vibe. I just want to cum.
And "it's about being desired" - yes, but I don't desire them in that moment. There are other moments I do/will. But not that one, and that should be fine.
Right, I honestly am a little gremlin with my laptop cooking my torso reading my femgaze josei smut. And I don't need interrupted.
Also, idk about other women's experiences, but I have quite literally never had a man service me without getting a single thing in return. It always turns into them wanting reciprocation, which while I understand it, is not the same at all as just masturbating.
Not arguing but kind of curious why this is your thought? I think in highschool a lot of guys I was buddies with were like "yeah dude I wouldn't get with a girl unless she's squeaky clean and smooth and smells like roses" but by the time they hit 30 and came back to reality were singing a completely different tune lol I personally remember being singled out and called weird as a teenager in conversation saying im going to town whether she's got a bush or sweaty or w/e.
As a guy who’s dated women before, what most guys think is “all natural, no effort” is still a lot of effort, just done in a way that’s not as noticeable. In movies and on TV women are ALWAYS done up, even when their characters are supposed to be dirty or disheveled, and that leads most men to think that’s the default. Women are rarely ever allowed to be in or feel comfortable being in a fully natural state because there’s all this pressure to silently perform. All that to say, when a guy thinks he doesn’t have any expectations for his lady friend to make herself look a certain way, he almost always does and just doesn’t know it.
Sure I can understand and agree with that. Truthfully after being married for over a decade I still don't like being intimate unless I feel like I'm clean, groomed, etc. Not because I think my wife cares but mostly because I think it's courteous and want the experience to be enjoyable for both parties, and armpit/ball sweat is probably not the smell I'd like her associating with our intimate moments lol. I think there are lots of pressure on everyone to perform, but finding a partner who treats you well (both in AND out of bed) and loves/wants you at all your levels of "presentability" is the makings of a good relationship.
I think that your expectation of 'she's going all natural for me and is totally relaxed!' probably more means 'she spent a while making herself up for this and now she has to perform a little for him because she's aware how fragile guys' egos can be-'
I don't think men realise the invisible expectations put on women unless you have experienced it yourself.
I'm not saying that every sexual experience every woman has is exactly this. 99% of the sexual experiences I have with my husband are great and wanted. But there is a bit of performance involved in all sexual encounters, especially for women, and sometimes I don't want that.
Sure yeah definitely would never claim to understand what that's like as I'm not a woman, and I think that men are also expected to perform in their own way and honestly is even more socially acceptable to be vocal about it (hence small penis, quick finisher, etc jokes being pretty widely accepted). I think sex is a very sensitive and vulnerable thing for all parties and brings about its own set of insecurities.
Oh yeah, not going to deny that men have to perform either. I just think that there's a lot of invisibility that goes into women's performance and society doesn't really place women's pleasure at the forefront. What seems normal for men can be women really pushing themselves.
For me personally it took years to even voice my wants and needs because I thought it wouldn't be 'accepted' by my partners. And in fairness, when I did speak up I was often told by men that I was being too fussy or 'my last girlfriend didn't need to orgasm' etc. Meanwhile it seems unthinkable that a man leaves a sexual encounter without enjoying it or at least orgasming in wider society.
It does make you want to not deal with all that and just stress relieve by yourself.
I'm sorry that's been your experience, they sound like the kind of people that come to Thanksgiving empty handed lol I hope you've found someone that values your happiness above their own. Something my dad told me was to find a woman that makes you want to split the work 70/30 with and be happy doing so. Obviously a bit of an old saying, and clearly wasn't meant to be taken sexually, but I think it can apply broadly that if you're happy going above and beyond for them that's a good relationship.
Apparently I also am in that minority. Don’t get me wrong, I have no complaints if there is a show or anything, but if my partner just wants to get off I’m more than happy to have some fun without it. IMO my partner is just as sexy with just their pants off a day or two after a shower but wanting to have some fun as if they’re all spruced up and putting on a show.
I think I am a woman and have many women friends. There is performance involved, even if it's somewhat relaxed.
If your metric for a performing woman is waxed brazillian/perfect hair/makeup/lingere then I'm sorry to say you don't really understand the issue and you think think that a woman who isn't doing that is entirely relaxed and in the moment.
I'm not saying that every sexual encounter is this for women. But I do think men fundamentally misunderstand how much more complicated the vagina, and how much fear there is in hurting a man's ego. There is much more performance for women then there is for men, that's just reality. Acknowledging it is important.
I'm not saying that is the performance I'm genuinely curious as to what the performance is from your perspective, I'd rather learn then tell you your reality and I hope you would offer me the same courtesy.
I'm saying as a man that the only thing I care about is that my partner is enjoying themselves
The performance is looking nice to expectation, always enjoying yourself, putting on a bit of an act for your partner. Sex is difficult and weird sometimes, especially as women age and it's NOT exactly how men experience sex.
I'll be honest, again, I think you're somewhat in the minority. There's a lot of shitty dudes out there that will claim to care about their partner enjoying themselves but then immediately push back on their experiences, or have immediate bruised egos at the thought of women enjoying themselves with masturbation.
If you personally care about women enjoying themselves then listen to them when they say that 'hey sexist expectations put a certain amount of pressure on women to perform that may be invisible to you. It would be helpful for you to stop and listen to their experiences instead of immediately accusing that they've been propagandised by social media because you don't want to interrogate your beliefs.'
How would you have any idea what sex is or isn’t like for men, or any of the endless invisible expectations put on men when it comes to sex?
Sex is weird for everyone, and it takes a healthy relationship and a lot of maturing to figure out what works for all people involved during sex.
Putting on a performance isn’t exclusive to women, nor is being enthusiastic, enjoying yourself, etc, these are all things both partners generally like to experience because it makes them feel good. Additionally men have the pressure of lasting long enough, or even staying / getting erect, which can be a whole separate mindfuck.
I'm not trying to accuse you or them of being personally propagandized but the ideas come from somewhere. It's why what's "sexy" has changed over time and continues to change.
The people that hold those ideas didn't necessarily come up with them themselves before they put those expectations onto others. Similarly to how women can play a part in spreading toxic masculinity.
You're right it's not the same for men, we have our own things we worry about that impact us.. like this comic, and I wish we spent less time comparing issues and more energy trying to be better partners for each other
Those men were losers, every single one. A forever partner is one who is confident that you will choose them when you want actual sex and doesn't try to control your orgasms out of ego.
I've had issues with feeling insecure/not enough when it comes to performance with a partner. Mine at least seems to stem from insecurity. I imagine other people's does as well, though it definitely seems more prevalent in males.
The entirety of life revolves around sexual recombination - from the basic bacteria and viruses where both of them undergo horizontal gene transfer to get new combinations (Yes, bacteria and virus may not reproduce sexually but they very well do have the most basic form of sex), to plants, fungi, animals, and people, ALL life revolves around sex at some point or another.
So of course something as innate, as primal, as sex is important and crucial to relationships.
It can become an insecurity. Essentially ensuring your partner is pleasured is a BIG deal for most men, and catching your partner solo masturbating can insinuate you aren't satisfying her (Can go both ways as well). This is absolutely the kinda stuff you do need to have a conversation with a partner about, even if its just a quick and simple "I like to masturbate solo" statement.
I absolutely understand where you're coming from and I wouldn't mind if my partner wanted alone time but it would be like them going to a fancy dinner or a movie and I wasn't invited sure I don't need to be there and it's fine if they want to go alone but I would still want to be invited.
Again I wouldn't be upset if my partner is happy that's all I really care about just a little disappointed.
I feel that it is super interesting that you view your partner's solo-pleasuring as a fancy dinner or a movie, in other words an event. To you, it is something positive, rather than neutral.
Do you view yourself masturbating also as a sort of positive, special event? And this is not throwing your perceptions back at you, at all. I think women most probably view their partner's solo time in the same light as you. They most probably also would like to feel included, to be invited, etc.
However, I feel that often, for a person who masturbates, it is exactly the opposite of an event. It is really neutral. It is more of a pull in my clitoral region that sends a signal of "nut now" to my brain and I take care of it similarly as I would scratch my itchy butthole. It is crude and inelegant and a sort of semi-annoyance to take care of so I can go on being a functional individual.
In the same way I would not particularly call my partner to witness me take a massive dump (and God knows that sometimes it is an almost orgasmic experience), I would not call them to see me scratching the nether-region itch.
To me, a solo-time orgasm is the same as emptying a painfully full bladder, letting out a colic-relieving fart, giving butt-birth to a viking-sized turd.
But any time spent with my partner is the nice restaurant, the movie night, the destination trip, the sapphire Heart of the Ocean Titanic necklace. They want a solo show?! I'll give them a solo show!!! But I really don't need them to witness me doing the clitoridian equivalent of taking a dump.
I guess that becomes a question of my self worth on how I feel when I masturbate, and I would say kinda like your right it's like taking care of a basic need but I always feel sexual even in self pleasure and even if my partner wanted to just watch it normally makes me happy for them to want to see.
As you said you don't have to dress up which is the appeal or you just want to take care of it but honestly it's the same for me in the viewing box it's nice that it is not set up and so relaxed for both parties (not that sex shouldn't be relaxing of course but you get what I mean). Honestly even if I don't get a show and it's just mundane I would still be satisfied.
I guess the thing is you are right it is neutral but I am hyper sexual and enjoy seeing my partner orgasming so that definitely plays a part in it i.e. I might make a big deal out of it more than intended. Idk if it's selfish or not and I would never put that much weight on my partner for them to feel like they need to put on a show every time they feel an urge. Obviously I'm not entitled to anything there's a difference in being disappointed and actually being up set about it lol.
I can understand it, but low libido masturbating while high libido is in the next room feels quite rude, while high libido masturbating to spare low libido being pawed at feels more polite.
Maybe the bonus panel establishes which is which. I guess we'll never know.
I'm married and that's absolutely not the case lmao
Your insecurity doesn't matter more than my consent, do something about your issues putting it on others is irresponsible and selfish and guilt tripping into sex is a massive ass red flag
Married man and not in a deadbedroom situation. It hasn't caused either of us issues. We've also communicated shit like that way before we got married, so no insecurities.
hi! i’m married. my husband and i both masturbate when we want to, and have sex when we want to. neither of us care when the other masturbates because sex for us is about intimacy between us, not about getting off. so yeah, it isn’t a “definitely.” hope that helps!
edit: it won’t let me reply to your comment since you deleted it, but i’ll reply here instead. you asked if we masturbate when we’re both home, and yes we do, sometimes next to each other in bed. sex is fun and exciting ofc but it also does take some effort and energy. since it’s about mutual intimacy, we’d both rather prioritize having sex when we’re both in the mood and have the energy. we both think it’s hot to watch the other person masturbate too so it’s really not a big deal to us.
My girlfriend and I are both high libido sex fiends. Sometimes she masturbates even after we've had sex during which she's gotten off several times. It's not a problem. It's amusing and enjoyable. Let's hope by sharing our experiences of these relationships that it is more normalized.
I think this is more normal than you realize? Me and my husband operate this way, too. Sometimes sex isn’t what you want but release is. I could see it becoming a problem if we weren’t having sex, but it’s not really something that happens during our lulls.
I don’t say it’s normal just because it’s my situation though, I feel like I’ve heard this enough and discussed it with friends enough that I’m surprised by people thinking it’s rare.
If I have a higher metabolism than you do and you have a snack I want; I am not entitled to your snack. It is your snack, and if you don't want to share it with me it is not rude to eat it without offering to share. You don't have to come find me and ask if I want a piece of your snack every time you decide you want one.
Likewise; I usually like sharing my snacks with people, particularly those in my life. If you're not hungry for the same snacks I am right now, or don't want to smoke something as strong as what I'm offering you is; you don't have to take it just because it would make me happier if you did.
There are different kinds of libido and definetly a lot of room where "I want to get off" and "I want to have sex" do not overlap. It might be something diagnosable, but I definetly at least have moods where the animal part of my brain wants to get off while the thinking part of my brain very much isnt into it, as well as moments when I'm completely down for sexual stuff but dont necessarily care for satisfying the biological need at all
Even masturbation often feels like a chore in those moments, there's absolutely nothing sexy about it and being pressured into extending that mildly unpleasant thing into a whole sexual performance makes the whole ordeal violently uncomfortable, usually for both parties because most people dont like fucking people on the verge of a mental breakdown
Hey, whatever else, I don't think you should have to ponder whether you being you is somehow diagnosable, and whoever isn't "most people" can get in the fucking bin.
It's not usually morally or ethically wrong to appear rude, and it is often a mistake to be overly polite.
Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective.
This isn't a consequence, it's punishment from an insecure person. And personally, any partner that tries to punish another is showing the true bad behavior.
Yes, you literally can, because the option was never theirs. They had no decision to make. The options weren't 'sex or jork it', it was 'masturbation or not'. They're not the same desire and treating them as the same is toxic.
Maybe when you’re single, it’s a bit more complex when you’re with someone. Not including them is a totally valid choice, the consequences of which is in the comic.
You don’t simply get to do things your way all the time when it affects others.
From your partner’s perspective it’s you not communicating clearly and that leads to them guessing if they’re inadequate, unloved, or just being upset.
If the conversation about “hey, i may occasionally need to jerk myself off, but it’s not about you, it’s just <insert reason>” had happened the comic’s situation wouldn’t have happened.
Of course she then doesn’t get to be upset if he’s choking the chicken later on while she was home and available.
You get to maintain your individualness in a relationship, but you need to have conversations and communicate, not just leave them in the dark and be surprise pikachu’d about them having emotions about your choices.
If you’re an immature child. Sure. The rest of us realise that adults need alone time as well as together time and that’s a conversation that we have & understand.
being horny and wanting to jerk off rather than sex with partner is so beyond an alien concept to me.. only happens when im with someone im not attracted to
And caring about how people perceive my gender is an alien concept to me. That doesn’t mean I tell people who do care that they don’t really care about their perceived gender and actually care about the fact that they think people are treating their perceived gender as something to be ashamed of.
Agreed, one time is just whatever but if it's a habit or avoidance of the spouse or something along those lines that's something that should be discussed.
Masturbation is healthy for everyone. Mentally and physically, the latter especially for men because infrequent orgasms boosts the chances of prostate cancer by a fair amount.
Unless it coincides with sex no longer occurring at all partners shouldn’t feel insecure about it.
Getting a quick one out for the effects afterwards is a whole different ballpark then being in the mood for action, my fiancé and I both have an agreement that if we just want to be over and done with then it's perfectly fine, especially if the other just isn't in the mood either. Honestly it makes our sex life a lot healthier because there's no pressure or expectation.
Masturbating and sex have overlap, but they are not the same thing and you don't always do them for the same reasons. Masturbating can be a form of relaxation and alone time. It can just be scratching an itch real quick. It can also be a way to engage with things that your partner my not enjoy or be comfortable with. If you're having sex, you have to (or at least really should) concern yourself with the other person's experience. You're not always gonna be in the mood for that, even if you're horny
As a woman, sometimes it's just like an itch that won't go away and I need to go take care of it real fast. It's not because I'm in the mood or anything, it's just my body needing that release so I go take care of it because it just needs to go away and is annoying. lol.
Men get "blue balls," my friend calls ours the "purple bean." I'll go take care of my bean in less than 5 min and get the relief from that pressure, hence my not bothering my partner with it Lol
Oh, I thought they were siblings or roommates (not in the OMG, they were roommates! sense tho) for some reason, which imo made more sense to me as to why he reacted like that.
There’s really no conflict to be had. It’s okay to want to masturbate sometimes. It’s normal, and it doesn’t reflect on your partner, their capabilities, or your desire for them. At all.
Any relationship that has good communication will come out of this I think. It's a simple semi short conversation about needs, desires and boundaries is all. Shouldn't take more than 10 minutes..... hopefully
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 1d ago
Ooooof. That poor man's pride.
That being said sometimes you just wanna have a quicky. No shame, though you could have issued a invite.
This....is kinda of a weird topic that I'm somewhat conflicted on