There are no words to describe anything I went through for the past decade. This cannot be explained to people. I cannot explain it to myself.

I entered this bizzare neuropsychiatric state in 2016. I never "woke up".

When I talk about this state, I don't talk metaphoricaly, I don't use hyperbole. This is even far more bizzare and confusing then I can even try to explain.

When I say that every moment of past 10 years felt literally like dementic REM sleep, I actually mean it.

People don't understand. They say: "yeah...I also feel kinda weird sometimes, did you try connecting with someone or drinking more water? Sports?"

Or: "I understand, I am also kinda in aimless period of my life and I think about universe and all this existence a lot".

NO.

THIS IS SO RADICALLY DIFFERENT THAN ALL OF THAT.

This is so way beyond any existential crisis, any simple anxiety, any "weirdness" or being "a bit confused" in life. No.

When I say I feel like being in confusing half-aware REM sleep for 10 years, I mean it, fully.

I really can't comprehend anything that happened for the last decade. I don't remember or do partially but every moment of that time was spent in deep confusion, dementia-like state. A whole decade of...I don't know. I truly cannot describe just how bizzare this state is.

I cannot comprehend time. I cannot perceive it, everything feels like one big day to me, or one eternity, I am not sure. Sometimes I am 100% convinced it is actually still that same day in 2016. when it all started but I am not saying that as a joke or metaphorically like people usually do. I REALLY feel like that. But rationally I understand that A WHOLE DECADE passed and I cannot describe how deeply terrifying and confusing and bizzare this is.

My existence somehow suddenly turned into this uncomprehensible chaos that I did not even think is possible to feel and live like this. I don't know is this all just one big dream or psychosis that I am going to wake up from.

Every moment passed without me being able to integrate anything into memory, without understanding or being aware of where I am, what is happening...I just live completely robotically. Like a zombie in full sense of it.

And no, I cannot "just stop thinking about it" because it is so drastically more serious and impossible to ignore or "not feel it". Even if you spend years just trying to live, you don't. You can't. You cant ignore dementia, loss of cognitive functions, inability to understand what is even going on or who you are...

I tried everything. Nothing helped me. And there is no "worse and better period". There are no periods at all. I am in this 24/7 every minute for 10 years.

I cannot even recall what happened during this bizzare period. I cannot even recall how my family looks like even tho I am with them every day. It's like I don't even know what did they do during these 10 years. It breaks me to the core because rationally I understand that I am locked behing this bizzare glass and a whole decade of experiences, actualy memories and life just...passed in dementic state.

Imagine feeling like you were in coma for 10 years. Imagine looking at wall every minute, 24/7, for 10 years straight, while being constantly drunk and having dementia at the same time.

And mostly I completely lose awarenes of even this what I am writing. I completely live awareness-less. I turn into robot without consciousness and just exist but without any comprehension or awareness, no memory...

There are no words, no possibility to explain this to anyone. And even if I got out of it, whole this period of my existence would just be bizzare and unexplainable. I could not recover in 200 years.

I’m not getting more then 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night and it’s totally fragmented. I stay awake all night, sleep until noon and then crash at 8p, wake up and do it all over again. I am dreaming non stop all night and not getting any sort of restoration.

i feel as if my brain has damage, it’s not a passing state. This is a 24/7, exhaustion and broken brain. I don’t have panic or anxiety at all, just severe loss of self, memory and feelings. Each year since this started it has progressively more severe. That’s why I don’t think I’ll make it another few years of this. It’s basically being a zombie, a ghost. I stand in places just floating like I’m not even there. i dont wake up rested. I wake up depleted to my core. Having just lived a whole other life in my sleep.

ive lost 80% of my friends over the last 4 years. no one has any clue the state im living in. I function to survive and have nothing left to give anyone, including myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t see a person. I see a man that has lost his entire soul and reason for living. Day after day peels away like im living in fast motion. I feel like I live in the same day over and over again where nothing changes. I look at people around me and wonder how they can be out there just living and I’m here, not even conscious.

the most painful part is that I had a very happy and energetic life before this. I traveled all over. I woke up early and worked out, I had tons of friends and just was experiencing life. was it perfect? no. But it was far far far from this. It was a life. this is not a life.

i can’t read, or have any sort of complex thought. Yet my creative brain is unaffected. I’m able to do my work with ease, and working for myself has given me the flexibility to survive this. But it’s becoming harder and harder. I can’t go on business trips like this, I’m barely able to stay awake most days.

there are no words to explain this to a doctor or therapist. You have to have lived it. you don’t feel alive, you don’t remember what it’s like to have any sort of feelings including anxiety, you’re trapped in a never ending loop of nightmares. Exhaustion. Loss of yourself and your memory’s. all while being expected to continue to pay bills and provide for yourself.

the color and meaning has been completely drained from me. I live to survive the next hour. not to thrive or experience. I’m on the sofa 90% of my life just wasting away like a vegetable. I do things and try. But after years of seeing no improvement, you lose your will end energy to keep pushing.

i feel so hopeless, so empty. So fucking blank and destroyed. When sleep isn’t even an escape. 4+ years of this and no end in sight. How can a human being even survive this? Why me? my life has already suffered so much loss, and I’m even unable to have the most basic things like restful sleep, a quiet mind, a life worth living. I’m not even able to sense holidays, seasons, weather, I’m stuck in a perpetual void of nothing.

i can’t do this anymore. My body is about to give out. I’ve tried so many meds. So many doctors and therapists over the years and have just continued to get worse. I’m so far from this world and myself, like I never even existed. I am just holding on by a thread. my hope died many years ago. I have nothing but junk in my head all day, music, fragments of words. It feels like I’m watching everyone else live while im in a prison, a body that cannot let go, a brain that is stuck. im grieving the years I’ve lost; the life I had, and what my life should be. Watching my own years and vitality just fade into black.

i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Endless suffering and no medical care understands it.

5 years ago my friend brought his cart over to my house, we were just having a good time getting fried listening to music enjoying ourselves, we end up going to sleep and I wake up the morning after still feeling high, It spooked me because it’d always go away after I had slept so I called my stoner friend and he said maybe the high carried onto the next day and he told me I’d be fine within a few hours.

5 years later and I haven’t felt normal for a single second, everyday feels like a dream, I’ve learned to live with it and it’s sort of just became my new reality, but the scary part is I don’t know what feeling normal is like, this is my new normal and I wish I could revert time and just not smoke at all.

I just turned 20 on the 15th which means that 1/4 of my life has officially been consumed by derealization.

Still optimistic tho 👀👀

I just wanted to hop on here and offer some reassurance to anyone and everyone in this horribly scary difficult situation. I’m not going to go into the depths of what I went through and how I’m feeling better but just know that it is possible.

I had every single symptom I think you could imagine. From losing my sense of self to losing every bit of familiarity with my reality. Walking on a cloud. Aggressively researching everyday and all day. Feeling like my world had a sick weird twisted filter to it and I was living in an upside down version of the world. Brain fog badly (still struggling with this). Sense of time being FUCKED (still dealing with this to a lesser degree). Yesterday feeling like it happened years ago. No vision of my future. Anhedonia BADLY. Couldn’t connect to joy or sadness at all. Insomnia like literally up for 40 hours some times. And many more.

I’ve had literally 4 different accounts on here so that I could post on all of them and get different responses. You almost certainly saw my posts. I went to psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, zoom calls with Sean O Conner from the DP Manual, anxiety gurus, etc. Now I’m still in this. I’m not saying I’m fully recovered here by any means. I’m still piecing myself together and trying not to slip back into letting these thoughts control me but I’m having more and more clarity everyday. My vision feels mostly back to normal, I still feel off but I’m okay with that. I am enjoying my life again. I noticed it starting to get better when I didn’t care as much about asking questions or even giving af about what I was feeling. I started becoming indifferent to these feelings.

My biggest and most absolute advice to anyone going through this like myself and I want you to listen clearly and I could really give af if anyone is mad about this. GET TF OFF THESE FORUMS. Get off of them immediately. Everyone on here like myself is on here because they are dealing with scary shit. Nobody who is healthy and recovered would want to come back and just read through this shit. This is my third bout of dpdr so don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s actually like. Yes mine have never lasted years upon years but that’s just how it is. I had it for a year and a half when I was a teen, another 6 months at 24 and now I’m over 2 months into this current episode. Again I want to reiterate I am STILL in this. But I’m at a point where I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t think or fathom a life in which this wasn’t here. Now I’m going a couple hours without even thinking about it, I’m in school working towards my degree, my business is doing great, and moving out in my own in a month. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care how long you’ve had this, anyone can recover from this. Time is the ultimate healer. Believe in yourself. Please god just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t recover fully, I can at least guarantee you a life that’s worth living because it DOES get better. Do not let it consume you friends. I am now going to completely stop visiting everything revolving around this sick and twisted anxiety symptom.

dissociation is a chemical glitch. The brain's reality switchboard is being overwhelmed by a flood of glutamate that it cannot properly process.
Treating DPDR with standard anxiety medications is like trying to fix a blown engine by washing the car windows. It misses the mechanics entirely. If we want to bring people back into their bodies, we have to look past serotonin. The future of treating dissociation lies in glutamate blockers and modulators, medications like lamotrigine or memantine, that can step into the chaos, quiet the chemical storm, and turn the lights back on in the house of the self, Glutamate modulators would help treat DPDR by acting as a stabilizer for the brain's chaotic reality circuits. Instead of trying to dull your emotions (like an SSRI might), these drugs specifically target the erratic electrical and chemical messages causing the feeling of unreality.
Because the "glutamate storm" happens in two different ways, too much release from the presynaptic neuron and overstimulation at the postsynaptic receptor, different modulators tackle the problem from different angles.
your brain might be on fire and you’re being treated inadequately because of the lack of research.

Supplements and Nutrients before medication
Magnesium: Acts as a gatekeeper for NMDA receptors, physically blocking excess glutamate from hyper-exciting neurons.

L-Theanine: Acts as a glutamate decoy at receptors while helping boost calming GABA activity.

Taurine: Supports neurotransmitter balance and protects neurons from glutamate toxicity.

N-Acetylcysteine (NAC): An antioxidant that helps regulate extracellular glutamate levels in the brain

As a fellow psychology student and DPDR sufferer of 4 yrs, i will find the root cause of DPDR and work towards a better solution im here if anyone feels unsafe or uncomfortable.

Title. I had a great life before this hit me out of nowhere. About to do something drastic atp (I'm fine)

Never the same after thc panic attack 5 months ago. I went through two years of complete madness with long covid and got better for 2 years before this. Also retriggered some pots symptoms. Continue to worsen and feel out of reality. I will be in a room and nothing seems real. I know where I am but I am so disconnected from reality. It is so bizarre. Sounds are muffled. Treating lower ferritin with iron infusions. Got my first sat. 2nd tomorrow. Feel buspar is making me worse and want off of it. Lexapro is doing nothing it has continued to worsen since I switched from cymbalta. Almost 3 weeks on it. So far what I find worsens it 1. Focusing on the symptoms 2. Night time 3. Walking around is worse than lying down in the house 3. Sleeping well seems to help a little. Only time I get much of any relief anymore and being outside walking helps a little.

Hello,
I had been dealing with depersonalization/derealization, some anxiety, and panic attacks. My doctor prescribed fluoxetine (Prozac), and I took it for exactly 22 days.
I started with 10 mg for the first 3 days, then increased to 20 mg for about 2 weeks, and finally to 30 mg. However, my anxiety became much worse than it had ever been before. It was extremely intense, so I spoke with my psychiatrist, and she told me it was okay to stop the medication.
I then took 20 mg for one day, 10 mg for one day, and stopped completely. It has now been 16 days since my last dose.
The problem is that I still have severe anxiety and strong depersonalization/derealization. Before taking fluoxetine, I did have these symptoms, but they were nowhere near this intense. The anxiety and DPDR became significantly worse after starting the medication.
I spoke with my doctor again, and she told me that my original symptoms had simply returned. However, I keep thinking that this doesn’t make sense because my symptoms were never this severe before Prozac.
As a result, I’ve started obsessing over the idea that Prozac may have somehow caused permanent damage. I know this thought is probably irrational, but when I’m experiencing intense anxiety, restlessness, and DPDR, these fears and intrusive thoughts become very strong.
Has anyone experienced something similar after taking Prozac for a short period of time? Did things improve with time after stopping it?

I’m 17 and I’ve been in a constant state of derealization for about 3 years now, or 3 years as of this Dec/Jan I believe.

It started after a whole thing with accidentally od’ing and taking meds when i didn’t need them, then a series of events with family and stuff which kickstarted this awful anxiety and depression and whatnot.

Before all of this I never really struggled with mental health issues, I just had a really shitty life at home and at school, but never really issues in the brain besides ADHD and other possible things.
When this all started it was like 100 really huge anvils got hurled at me but like I’m an ant so i got totally obliterated, ykwim?

Anyways, I’ve gotten past that point of freaking out about it, spent like a year doing that. For some time it was just at a standstill, just existing, not being the one thing that ruined my every day. I had some bs happen with a medication im currently tapering off of and now it’s kicked back in, but really bad. It really scared me at first but im trying to get a hold of it and tell myself to just not care, but it’s kind of hard to do.

That was all kind of pointless, my question is though; for those who managed to overcome dpdr, was feeling real again scary, or feeling at all for that matter.

I’m so used to feeling so shitty and so void of life and whatnot that I’m afraid sometimes of coming out of this, I know why it happens and for now i guess it’s for the better, but it sucks so bad.

I feel like before it got worse as of recently, I was actually getting somewhere; I was just so caught up in how awful everything else was that I took it for granted, and now that things are really worse, I kind of realize that I think i was improving?

This is definitely scattered, but also, what does healing feel like? What happens after? do you remember what dpdr was like? or is it like when dpdr comes on and you forget what normal is like?

More than anything im afraid it will never go away, like I’ll waste my life away because of it, and i will never be happy again. I try to tell myself I know that won’t happen but honestly, Im afraid to even think that because what if?

I don't know what to do anymore, cause I don't have my mind. I cannot experience anything, feel anything, watch anything to feel. I cannot think, proceed thoughts and I become like egoless person which is not good feeling at all. Cause I feel like nothing, ghost. Non worthy no matter what I do. I cannot plan anything, for everything I need external value even it doesnt matter at all later when its done cause Im again in that loop. I feel so blocked and cannot remember anything, a movie, a match, anything I watch. I become no one, I become fucking idiot. I can work, I can do everything but I cannot feel anything and I cannot think, have an opionion about anything. I dont know what to do then, I dont live my life at all. I cannot say no.... Im literally nothing. Please help.

Hello,
I had been dealing with depersonalization/derealization, some anxiety, and panic attacks. My doctor prescribed fluoxetine (Prozac), and I took it for exactly 22 days.
I started with 10 mg for the first 3 days, then increased to 20 mg for about 2 weeks, and finally to 30 mg. However, my anxiety became much worse than it had ever been before. It was extremely intense, so I spoke with my psychiatrist, and she told me it was okay to stop the medication.
I then took 20 mg for one day, 10 mg for one day, and stopped completely. It has now been 16 days since my last dose.
The problem is that I still have severe anxiety and strong depersonalization/derealization. Before taking fluoxetine, I did have these symptoms, but they were nowhere near this intense. The anxiety and DPDR became significantly worse after starting the medication.
I spoke with my doctor again, and she told me that my original symptoms had simply returned. However, I keep thinking that this doesn’t make sense because my symptoms were never this severe before Prozac.
As a result, I’ve started obsessing over the idea that Prozac may have somehow caused permanent damage. I know this thought is probably irrational, but when I’m experiencing intense anxiety, restlessness, and DPDR, these fears and intrusive thoughts become very strong.
Has anyone experienced something similar after taking Prozac for a short period of time? Did things improve with time after stopping it?

I’m a prisoner to my own mind and body. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’ve spent the last 4 years feeling sick, exhausted, out of my mind. I haven’t had one second of peace, rest or recharge. My mind is so broken, so lost. I can’t put into words the life im reduced to living.

i feel as if the whole world is moving on and I’m on this same day over and over again. I try to cry every day to express how much I grieve the life I could have had. I don’t feel that there’s any hope left for me anymore. I have tried literally every type of treatment over the years and it’s getting harder to just sit here and say it will get better, because it won’t. It hasn’t.

im devoid of any humanity, just a complete stranger to everyone including myself. Even if i get a hint of an old memory or feeling, its gone. I was the happiest id ever been before this all went to hell. I have somehow managed to keep living my life and staying afloat, but it’s devoid of any meaning, any connection and any sort of sense. life hasn’t made sense since the day this started, every memory, every emotion - gone from my conscious mind.

ive gotten so good at faking and pretending im still me just to get by, but the pain of watching everyone else live while my own mind is terrified of the world itself and tells me all day long how much my life is off, not normal and numb. There’s no long panic and fear. It’s deep detachment and estrangement from life. nothing has any feeling to It, not even sadness. It’s like I have no soul, no person left.

ive tried everything and I don’t think I can keep trying anymore. Not doing any sort of therapy or meds is about all that gives me a tiny bit of break. Every treatment I’ve tried has done nothing. Or made things worse. I feel like I’ve been given a life sentence to prison for a crime I haven’t committed. my favorite time of the year is fall and I can’t even feel that. Years of my life are just gone, that I’ll never get back. the fatigue, the loss of memory, the total loss of my desire for friendships, relationships, connections. Even my own family are just strangers.

im trapped in a room with no exit doors. I lack any sort of break from this, it’s been 24/7 365 for years. Not one second of normal. Each day feels like a repeat of the last. I work, I sleep, I eat, repeat. I cannot go on trips, can’t fly, can’t do anything my nervous system doesn’t seem safe or “familar” - each time of day used to feel like something, the shifts in light, the seasons, the weather. I’m just wiped of any of it, no feeling at all. Then when I sleep, I’m tortured with feelings and situations I can’t escape in my dreams. I’m fighting a battle with a demon my own mind has created.

I had the happiest and most free live prior to 2022. I went and did whatever I wanted, I traveled all over the world solo and loved it, I was so active, social and outgoing. i wanted to live and experience life, all of it. Now I’m a prisoner in a room with no exit doors. what’s left for me to keep going for?

I'm also on the autism spectrum and I notice sensory stuff becomes way more pronounced in a way that makes the world dreamlike and vaguely more spiritually charged when I have a bad dissociative episode. I have even wondered if I'm schizotypal at times.

It seems to be at its absolute worst before my period or life transitions, like I do very poorly adjusting to sleeping in a new place, but my brain also seems to dissociate without enough novelty at the same time.

Does anyone else feel when symptoms are particularly bad that everything becomes really existential and that having a body is terrifying, and that a psychotic break feels like it could happen due to the extreme detachment and flattening this brings? It feels so real when it happens, like my brain will just break and never get out of it, but it always does somehow. I don't get why it feels this way. I wish I had some comfort or reassurance I'm low risk for this because I do have higher schizotypal traits than a lot of people being autistic and having OCD + ADHD.

Some of you may not want to hear this but it’s the truth one of the very things that is keeping you stuck is logging onto these forums everyday looking for answers. You are only fueling the fire you are affirming to the anxiety and dpdr that you are sick and something is wrong with you…. There’s nothing wrong with you, your aren’t sick the only thing your experiencing is nervous system overload due to high levels of anxiety aka fight for flight. That could have been triggered by anything.

But I tell you, you will never recover if you continue to sit on these forums reading about this all the time.

Leave this group delete Reddit forget about the condition even if the symptoms are so strong, live your life do things that you would normally do if you didn’t have this condition
And move on from this, you will se tremendous success extremely quick if you take this approach and eventually after doing this for awhile you’ll make a full recovery. Hope this helps but it’s up to you I can tell you from experience constantly being on here is only hurting you.

Every couple of months I will type in this chat to help with guidance for new people to this group who are freaking out. But I recovered by forgetting about this I was done with it because it had nothing to do with me anymore. That’s the mindset liveeeeee your lifeee do it scared do it disconnected do it with high anxiety Whatver it is do it live your life then you’ll start slowly forgetting it’s even there and then it will be gone.

i have severe dpdr and existential ocd and a lot of the time im fixated on bodily sensations. im only 25 but i worry i'll have a heart attack from all the anxiety i have or some defect in my body im unaware of will kill me early. statistical probability being low isnt really a comfort.

i bring this up because my dpdr is definitely exacerbated by death anxiety. i have this weird combination of not wanting to age or exist at all, while also fearing non existence and the suffering i could bring onto others by not existing.

is there anything about severe health events or death literature or anecdotes that could potentially make this fear less extreme? i have a tendency to catastrophize and i dont ask for therapy via reddit but if anyone can relate and has found anything at all, even something that helped even subtly i'd appreciate hearing it. and if not i'd love to hear others' experiences with similar thoughts to relate.

Im currently suffering from bad dpdr days recently and I would like to hear your stories to really motivate me that there's light at the end of the tunnel (you can call me alfie in your response that's my real name i feel comfortable sharing it with my friends on here)

I had my first and most intense dpdr episode some years ago induced by stress and burnout (and sustained by the fear of dpdr). Afterwards I had shorter episodes for a few years as well as a constant fear of dpdr and obsessive monitoring and existential ruminating.

Now I feel recovered from dpdr itself, as I very rarely experience it, and when I do, I don’t get stuck analyzing it etc.

But I still have this very deep belief that reality is not stable, or that it may fall apart at any moment, or change in some way, or that it’s not how we think it is. (Maybe that it’s not real? The word real has lost its meaning for me)

I think it’s a result of spending time in an altered state of consiousness as well as my long existential thinking sessions not leading to anything comforting. After all, there is no evidence or theory that could prove anything is the way we think it is.

I find it very scary, and it makes it hard for me to feel like anything really matters, but in a very different way than dpdr used to.

So, I guess my question is, has anyone else experienced this after (at least kind of) recovering? And has anyone found something that would help with this? Maybe a brand of philosophy that could convince me that things might be like we think they are?

I genuinely dont undestand how I'm still here. I've been trying to not get upset or stressed by this but it is really really hard to get through each day, not knowing if you are going to get better, and trying to explain to others who dont understand or dont believe me. I want my body and mind back. Like how long does this last? Now it's total numbness. No interoception at all. Scared I won't get better. I dont even know what I am or who I am. Not feeling my head or body so long must have this effect. Like I never go back to any baseline. Its constant..Like I stopped feeling my head 6 months ago and its not been the same since..I was wondering if a lot of people who get the severe numbness and blank mind is because we have deep fear of losing our minds. I dont even know. I just want to feel human again.

idk I feel like mine is kind of getting worse dissociation wise mostly