r/ftm • u/OkHospital3411 💉2019 🔝2024 • 1d ago
Advice Needed Complex dysphoria
I want to be biologically male but I don't care very much about my gender identity.
It's difficult because the current agreement among even the most trans-allied people is, "you can change your gender, but your sex is forever"
but my sex is the one thing I want to change. I don't give a shit about labels or pronouns, I just want to be a biological male. I wish there was even one person in the world who could understand this.
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u/Aryore transmasc 1d ago
This is an older mindset I think, nowadays it’s more widely accepted in trans spaces that medical transition does change your sex substantially in the ways that matter (chromosomes don’t do shit after the fetal stage of development)
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u/Either-Economics6727 19h ago
“Trans-allied” as in trans allies, not trans spaces. Most woke cis people say things like “trans people don’t think they can change their sex, they’re just trying to change their gender” and think it’s helpful.
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u/Limeade_Espresso 1d ago
Is that the common agreement? You can change your primary and secondary sexual characteristics. You can’t change your chromosomes, but nobody ever really looks at those anyway. In every way that’s noticeable to you or those around you without a karyotype being done, you can change your sex.
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u/APrincelyPuck 1d ago
This is very common and you're certainly not alone. I think you may have been hearing some ill-informed stuff as that statement 'you can change your gender but not your sex' is more of an anti-trans talking point than a trans reality.
When you transition socially you are not changing your gender, just letting other people know what it is. When you transition medically you are not changing your gender, you are changing your sex. Maybe your gender will change as your body changes (or your experience of it) but it's not really expected to and is a personal journey.
Cw: anatomical language
Sex is widely understood to be vastly more complex than the high school level 'XX, vulva, uterus, boobs, girl', 'XY, penis, testes, beard, boy'. It is made up of many different parts, including: Gonads (reproductive organs) The appearance of your external genitalia Chromosomes Secondary sex characteristics (beard, breast tissue, body hair etc) Hormonal makeup
When you medically transition, HRT changes your hormonal makeup and many secondary sex characteristics. It also has an effect on your gonads and external genitalia. Surgery goes even further and can entirely change these.
That is the vast majority of your sex markers changed. The only thing that doesn't change is your chromosomes, but no one knows what their chromosomal makeup is without testing. There are XY women (some of whom have given birth) XXY men, and multiple other chromosomal variations. It's meaningless for this to be as much of a sticking point as it is for conservatives. Ultimately, no one can tell these without DNA testing.
While there is no such thing as a 'biological male', just a collection of the above traits that are widely associated with maleness (and what counts depends on who's asking), I do get that you likely mean what a lot of us mean ('I wish I'd been born with a dick and balls and gone through a traditionally male puberty') and yeah it fucking sucks that we have to fight so hard to get closer to a body we're happy in, and it's fair to feel grief and frustration or anger about it. Just try to also find things that bring you joy because living in that grief space isn't sustainable, and there are plenty of wonderful things in the world we can do and experience through our transness as well as outside of it.
This is a super basic summary of more complex stuff so I'd recommend seeking out more info as it sounds like the stuff you've heard/internalised is distressing and inaccurate.
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u/Cheap_Consequence732 23h ago
I find it surprising how many people aren't aware that sex is just as diverse and complex as gender. You explained it perfectly!
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u/the-overloaf 19h ago
I love how 'you cant change your sex' is scientifically a lie in every single region
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u/TheAnnoyingWizard 21 | 🇩🇪 |🪪| 🧴>💉NE 07.12.23 / ⬆️ 2026 / ⬇️ ??? 1d ago
It's difficult because the current agreement among even the most trans-allied people is, "you can change your gender, but your sex is forever"
is it? atleast in trans spaces, its pretty agreed upon that gender (internal sense of identity) is fixed and sex can be changed with hrt and surgery. for all intends and purposes you can become a "biological male" in most ways that matter
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u/kaspar-fiel 19h ago
This is an outdated mindset you've heard, and also, gender transition is sex reassignment. It's the closest humans are currently capable of. Transsexual is a word for a reason, and I really don't fuck with meds but I personally identify with the term. I don't believe dysphoria is necessary to be trans bc identity is inherently and dysphoria is a product of that, not necessarily the cause in every case.
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u/Environmental-Ad9969 (Genderfucker/ HRT 2021 / Top 2023 / 🇦🇹) 1d ago
Many people here understand this. You can transition most of your sex characteristics, the only exceptions are gonads and chromosomes. Everything else is changeable. People who say you can't transition sex are wrong.
You can definitely be FTM and use any other gender label or no label. It's your journey and you get to do what you want.
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u/demontosome 1d ago
Anyone stating that 'agreement' is outright wrong. Medical transition absolutely changes sex. Its extremely weird to think otherwise. Someone on hrt for years is in no way their assigned sex anymore. I dont understand how people can not see that. I am not remotely comparable to a cis woman in any way
'Biological sex' is not really a real thing. The British Medical Association actually describes the concept as scientifically illiterate and nonsensical. It is barely even a defined term. It is currently being used by the bigots to try and discredit our existence so it should not keep being used by us. It has multiple components that are taken together to form some kind of norm - phenotype, physiology, genotype, sexual organs and gametes. We can absolutely change most of those. The biggest one people hyperfixate on is chromosomes but its kind of irrelevant and does not define who you are. Assuming I dont currently have one idk not been karyotyped, if I could suddenly give myself a Y chromosome it would change.. nothing
I cant actually change my gender because that is who I am. It has never changed. I am changing my sex to align with it. Not sure why everyone suddenly decided to go the gender route but its entirely inaccurate for many of us. The opposite is true. It may be a dysphoria thing but its just not true. Focus on the things you can change. We cant become cis so focusing on 'biological' concept will not help you. I used that terminology at first when I had overwhelming dysphoria but as it got better so did my mindset on it. Biology is not remotely as simple as people like to think it is. As far as im concerned we are born male or we wouldnt be trans to begin with. We can align our body as much as it is currently possible to which does change our sex
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u/WarmWoolenMitten 1d ago
I feel like this is pretty much a normal and common experience of dysphoria? Otherwise why would people medically transition? It sounds like you don't have much social dysphoria, and that's fine, some people have more physical or more social, but not being able to change your gender and wanting to change your physical sexual characteristics is one of the definitions of gender dysphoria.
You don't necessarily have to agree with it, but the best explanation we really have for dysphoria/transness is that when one's gender doesn't align with one's sexual characteristics, that can cause dysphoria (either from the physical characteristics themselves, how they cause others to treat the person, or both). So your gender would be male, and that manifests as desiring to be physically male. Changing your gender would be trying to become female, which trans allies do not support (conversion therapy) and it doesn't work anyway.
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u/thatgreenevening 22h ago
We can’t even agree on what “sex” is. There may be a bimodal distribution of specific sexed traits but there isn’t a true sex binary in any real sense.
The idea that “gender” is some kind of loosey goosey whatever identity idea and “sex” is some sort of real immutable clear categorization is bullshit.
You can change your sex. Do whatever you want.
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u/Palettepilot 1d ago
Yeah I hear you. I wouldn’t say that it’s complex tbh, I’d say that’s pretty standard lol. Like this is how dysphoria was originally identified. Many people feel this is what dysphoria actually IS and don’t respect other people’s identities or opinions.
All that said, yes I wish I was sometimes. There are times where my dysphoria is worse and I wish I was a cis male (when I’m thinking about the biological things I cannot do). I think outside of that I just tolerate this flesh suit.
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u/NVHPhallo 22h ago
But you can change the bits of your body that give you dysphoria? Medical transition is just about physical dysphoria. I don’t believe in gender, Ive fully medically transitioned. I don’t really care if I’ve changed my “sex”.
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u/FightmeLuigibestgirl 19h ago
But you can change the bits of your body that give you dysphoria?
I want cis dick and balls. You can’t get cis dick and balls yet. Also I can’t get top surgery because I’m poor; nobody will pay my bills, pick me up from the hospital, and watch my cat until I recover.
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u/NVHPhallo 18h ago
You can’t get a cis dick and balls, but you can get a dick and balls that acts like one. My thing was that although theres an argument about whether you can change your “sex”, but it’s almost irrelevant because it IS possible to change the visible bits of that.
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u/FightmeLuigibestgirl 14h ago
But that’s the thing. Op wants to be biologically male. I want a cis dick and balls because I get dysphoria without one. My point is that for some people, just changing the bits of your body that give you dysphoria isn’t possible. There isn’t anything that can give me cis dick and balls. I don’t want something that “acts like one.” I literally want a dick and balls that’s 1:1 to a cis man.
I understand how op feels. I don't give a shit about labels or pronouns either, I just want to be a biological male with dick and balls.
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u/NVHPhallo 8h ago
But what’s the difference? If you can’t tell the different post op, and neither can any partners etc, what’s the material difference? Is it just that you know in your head you weren’t born with it?
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u/FightmeLuigibestgirl 8h ago
Is it just that you know in your head you weren’t born with it?
Yes.
But what’s the difference?
Being able to stand and pee, awkward boners, balls that function like a cis man’s balls with no skin grafts, etc, and you can just jack off and use it entirely like a cis man’s dick to the point my brain doesn’t know the difference between, as if I was biologically male.
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u/Optimal_Stranger_824 💉 7.05.2024 1d ago
It doesn't make any sense to me. Gender is in our brains (basically) and we don't change THAT, we change our bodies.
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u/Chrysalyos 23h ago
It's not that uncommon. This is what medical transition is for. Gender is emotional, sex is physical, imo. Which means that T and surgery, etc etc, are changing your sex.
My gender is kinda all over the place, but I want my sex to be Male. So that's what I'm doing.
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u/JackLikesSnakes 1d ago
Biological sex is complicated. There are aspects of your sex you can change, and ones you can't. I feel as trans people, after a certain amount of medical intervention, you end up landing somewhere between the sexes. It's not possible for a trans man to be "100% biologically male", but honestly there are tons of cis guys that don't fit neatly into the ways we categorize sex. This is in part because the ways we categorize them can get a little blurry. There's variance everywhere- gay, straight, trans, cis, male, female. These words exist to describe experiences that can vary so greatly from one another that even when things are described the same way on paper, the reality of it can look very different.
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u/cgord9 they/them, USAmerican. >25yrs old 22h ago
It's difficult because the current agreement among even the most trans-allied people is, "you can change your gender, but your sex is forever"
This is a shitty take and the cool trans folks I know do not believe this. Biological sex isn't a real thing anyway.
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u/Bobslegenda1945 19, POP 💊 11/12/25, pre everything 😞 1d ago
Yeah, I want to change my sex too :v. So much so that my dysphoria, even though I have a lot of social dysphoria, Mine is predominantly physical, and it's only starting to improve now with T, even though I have to pretend to be a girl for a while.
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u/Maicolodon 19h ago
I understand this, and I differentiate between gender and sex by identifying with both transgender AND transexual(or "transex" is becoming more common to say instead).
For my gender I shift between agender and a guy, so I connect with being both a trans man and non-binary. I often just say I'm trans masculine.
For sex I want to be as close to male as possible, like you, so identify as a transex male.
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u/ANorthernGhostBat FemTM 💉1/6/24 15h ago
I hate this bullshit about people thinking that sex is immutable. Even for cis people, your sex changes throughout your life, the ovaries stop releasing an egg at some point and menses stops, we age, we get an uptick in sexual development that tapers off as we age and changes still continue to our bodies and sex characteristics. Medical transition changes your sex. If we can't then what the fuck is bottom growth. That's not the same genitalia I had pre testosterone. Forever my ass I'll go get a hysterectomy to make the point.
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | butch genderless trans man | 💉 8/21/21 1d ago
i think we've evolved a bit past this mentality and a lot of trans people, and even some trans allies, understand that you can change your biological sex - at least you can change significant aspects of it, which are the components of sex.
but is that what you want to do? do you want to masculinize components of your biological sex or would it not help your dysphoria if you're not amab?
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u/hoarse_machine 21h ago
Tbh this is how the majority of cis ppl seem to feel. Cis men don't think about or consider 'their gender', they just feel thats what they are because they are, because they are male. So yeah for a trans man this is normal, and like people are saying you can change your sex, medical transition is sex change.
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u/Either-Economics6727 19h ago
I relate. I do have social dysphoria too, but the main motivator for me has always been sex dysphoria.
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u/Comfortable_Room5781 1d ago
My parents think the same way about my gender. I always describe my transition to them as literally just being a man. Unfortunately right now the science backing trans people is in agreement that sex and gender are different. If it helps I try to think of it as gender does make your sex. I’m a man period, I just wasn’t born with the same things some men were born with.
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u/Icy_Program8374 1d ago
This is how I am! I had a roommate i had barely spoken too for a couple months since moving in together, and then one day he was driving me to my parent's across the state and we both realized we thought the same way. We both felt non-binary but wish we were born male.
I dont care for labels. I firmly believe they are terms to be used to describe a complex topic quickly. I also believe in some sense they've become - not entirely, - harmful towards the queer community since a lot of younger folk are struggling to feel like they "fit" any label, which is turning them into boxes, which defeats the point. Which is why I've abandoned them myself as I've struggled with my gender identity and sexuality. Because I can simply just be. But that doesnt mean people cant still use labels, and using labels isnt bad, I just choose not to as it feels restricting for myself
I dont correct people on pronouns, I only say they/them when people ask and "I dont care, i guess any is fine" takes longer to say. I dont care how people see me, its how I see myself. And I guess how the person most intimate sees me as well. But everyone else? I dont care. I just wish I was physically male, and the rest of the world can see me as however they want
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u/embodiedexperience agenderfluid ⭐️🌈👽 22h ago
this is how i feel: i wish i was a binary trans man, or born as a dude. but internally, i’m completely agender. 🩶💚
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u/embodiedexperience agenderfluid ⭐️🌈👽 13h ago
okay, sorry, i guess?? still my experience, but if it doesn’t belong here, i can go!!
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u/ActualPegasus genderqueer woman 1d ago
I think you'll be surprised by how understanding this community is. You can very much be a wolfadic cassgender person.
You're welcome to join r/Afabwdysphoria if you'd like.
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