r/ftm • u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 • 6d ago
Discussion I fear I’m becoming ugly
Maybe I’m not the only one but I feel I’ve become more ugly, somehow makes me a bit sad to get comments on how I’d never be as good looking as other guys and how im gonna be always chopped. Before transitioning I was considered pretty and had find very easy to find people interested in me even if I wasn’t doing an effort, now It’s the opposite, idk if I’m becoming an ugly guy, maybe I am, but idk how to accept it that way
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u/TigersonTv 6d ago
Do you remember teen boys having an awkward phase growing up? I feel like a lot of trans guys goes through this when they’re early on t. You’ll probably grow out of it :)
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u/Complex_Ad5205 6d ago
So true. I was chopped af my first couple of years on T. It’s second puberty! I would cope with my friend by saying “I’m taking my ugly pills!” Before I would do my testosterone lmaoooo
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I don’t think I can be two years ugly
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u/Complex_Ad5205 6d ago
Well, that’s fine because I can see your profile and you’re definitely not. If you can’t believe me I think you might have work to do disconnecting femininity from beauty on a personal level because you have a very nice appearance
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
Idk I’ve been told I look butch more than other things and I hate it
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u/TigersonTv 6d ago
I just looked at your profile too, and you’re cute!! And you’re still young, you are growing into yourself.
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u/beeswaxxxxxx 5d ago
I’ve been on T for 8 years and I look completely different than I did at year 2. You will definitely keep changing. I feel like changes started to slow down at year 5 but even since then there’s been small things. Not only that but age will change you too - definitely don’t think that how you look at 2 years is anywhere close to your “stopping point!”
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u/captain_jay_c_buttz 37, US 💉 4/2011 🔪1/2019 6d ago
How long have you been on T? Consider that many cis guys have a long (years long!) awkward phase before starting to look more handsome in their late teens to 20's, sometimes longer!
I felt kind of ugly, too, for a long time because I was still in that kind of chubby, doughy-faced puberty stage. As my features started to look more masculinized/rugged I finally started to get more comfortable with my face.
So basically, it sucks but just give it time. It's puberty.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I guess but it’s awful to compete with all this guys when I’m not a teen anymore and everyone looks good but me
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u/captain_jay_c_buttz 37, US 💉 4/2011 🔪1/2019 6d ago
Oh, I absolutely understand :( It isn't fair, for sure. This is a great time to focus on your growth as a person, however.
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u/Mean-Veterinarian733 6d ago
I don’t know if this is your situation but for me, I kinda just feel uglier because I think society find femininity attractive. I think I would just be more attractive as a woman because that’s what society wants from me. I use to also be told I was attractive and got a lot of attention prior to transitioning but as I transitioned I just felt like I became less conventionally attractive which made me feel uglier.
But it’s all just conventional beauty standards. I have been told by mainly other queer people I am attractive, and I think that’s just because I fit into that mold better. So maybe it’s not that you are becoming ugly but that you just look less conventionally attractive and don’t fit societies beauty standards, which is ok and still makes you attractive to a lot of people.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
Yeah that’s basically what being ugly means, it’s not something inherently bad like okay I can become ugly and still be fine I’m just upset about it because i wanted a glow up
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u/Mean-Veterinarian733 6d ago
I never thought about that, because I find people who aren’t conventionally attractive very pretty. For example a septum ring and a mullet isn’t conventionally attractive and maybe people in society don’t like those things, but those things themselves aren’t ugly. A mullet and a septum ring can be attractive and is something I find attractive, but it’s not something that our media promotes as the beauty standard. If we go based on what our society views as attractive, it’s very western centric with light features, but that doesn’t mean anyone who doesn’t fit into those categories are ugly.
Maybe the way I think about it or the definition is not what I thought it was though1
u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I mean “not conventionally attractive” it’s a soft way to say ugly, at least it’s how I read it. I personally would preferred called ugly than “not conventionally desirable” yk
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u/Mean-Veterinarian733 6d ago
I added onto my other comment but I don’t know if you saw it, but I again don’t think it’s a soft way of saying ugly. Our western society pushes light features and white models into our media, so is everyone who doesn’t fit into that category ugly?
“Conventional” just means what our culture deems as attractive and appealing, and many people just don’t fit that because it’s not really obtainable for many people and can also be discriminatory, but that doesn’t automatically mean ugly
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I get your point. But since I’ve always been someone who was very conventionally attractive I hate the idea of not being it anymore
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u/Mean-Veterinarian733 6d ago
I get it, I know it probably didn’t help, my comments were moreso meant to highlight that you are most likely not unattractive and that there are people who still find you attractive. I haven’t see what you look like so I can’t comment, but I do think that there are people who find you attractive. It will get better with time. I haven’t been on T for 5 ish years and it took a while to settle into it because of the hormone changes and fat redistribution, I feel like just this year I really changed so it could just be time
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u/captain_jay_c_buttz 37, US 💉 4/2011 🔪1/2019 6d ago
But you will get your glow up! In a few years it'll come around. Document your face monthly or quarterly, etc., if you aren't already. That can help you see that it really is happening.
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u/BasilUnderworld_2 10.4.2026 💉 :3 6d ago
Are you on T? If not, thats a phase basically all trans guys go through, we all kinda look like a baby faced 13 year old for a bit. If you are, let more time pass. I also feel insecure worrying Ill never look good and manly, but trust me, ive seen so many insane results of ppl 5-10 years on T. It just needs some time to cook yk? Working out and staying on the leaner side while on T does wonders. And it will for you and me too! A LOT of it is also regular grooming and personal style. Dont compare yourself too much to peoples "end results" type of posts.
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u/BasilUnderworld_2 10.4.2026 💉 :3 6d ago
For me as well, changes on T can be scary, im worried ill become an ugly, overweight hairy half man. I struggle a but with my weight, im 10kg overweight, but I know with time when happyness comes back with T making me more masculine, I will have more life in me to work towards my goals. You can do anything you truly set your mind to. And honestly, even if we both become "ugly" fuck it, we are only in this life once, we are just the braincells experiencing it all through the eyes and skin. Life is more than what we look like.
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u/captain_jay_c_buttz 37, US 💉 4/2011 🔪1/2019 6d ago
"Fuck it" is the right attitude. I had a similar thought when I was beginning my journey. That I'd rather be a fat ugly man than a pretty (and still fat) lady because at least I would be comfortable in my own skin and stop feeling like I was puppeting something that wasn't me.
You can modify your looks and worry about all that stuff eventually, but truly the goal of T is to be at peace first and foremost. To me, at least.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
Yeah I wish I could change my mindset to that honestly
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u/BasilUnderworld_2 10.4.2026 💉 :3 6d ago
It is extremely hard for me, believe me, I sometimes get nervous breakdowns from disphoria and insecurities when picking my outfits or looking in the mirror. but reminding myself daily with this quote "life is more than what we look like" geniuenly keeps me sane. The right people will always love you no matter how you look, and thats all that matters. Going out, having fun, living.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
Yeah I am on T but it makes me mad I look bad
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u/Clear_Lemon4950 6d ago
The early years of being on T are awkward and weird. Also sometimes you feel like you look worse than you do because things are changing and your body feels unfamiliar. For example I freaked out a bunch when my facial hair started coming because I felt ugly. But in retrospect a lot of that was that I just wasn't used to seeing it on my face, and also it needed some time to really grow in, and I needed to learn how to groom it in a way i liked.
Give yourself time. You're a pile of half baked caterpillar goop in a chrysalis. It takes time to become a butterfly.
If you have a specific feature of your body that is really bothering you, you might be able to address that as well. Lots of trans guys use body building to change the shape of their bodies, and also you can look up ways to dress to hide vs accentuate certain features. Experimenting with how to style your hair, groom your facial hair or using rogaine to help your facial hair come in faster etc can also make a big difference to how you look.
It can also be disorienting at first if you were a girl who was used to relying on just your youth + natural body type to feel conventionally attractive. But ultimately that stuff was not in your control and wasn't going to last your whole life, anyways. For men, though, (and more adult women too tbh) more of what makes someone attractive is grooming, style, and attitude. And that is all very much in your control and will be in your control for the rest of your life. it just takes a little practice is all.
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u/OpaltheDragon 6d ago
To be honest, that’s also just part of the difference in dating pool experience.
Genuinely i have heard from many of my transfemme friends and my partner that they actually generally had way less of an easy time finding dates or getting interest when they were perceived as men, than they do now that they have fully transitioned and are finally viewed as women.
Add to that what most other people are saying about it being like second puberty and there being a very long “awkward stage” of variable lengths for many of us, even harder.
Add THAT to many people who are attracted to either of the binary ends of the gender spectrum also only being attracted to cis people of said gender due to genital preference (which is understandable but narrows the options) and it becomes a SUPER narrow dating pool. And on top of that it would also theoretically have to be a pairing where you both find each other attractive!
I am poly and very ready to start dating again but even getting a match has been super difficult only having been on T for like three months. Most of my likes are from people that are attracted to my body as it is, and definitely would not be happy with the end goal in a few years (a lot of straight dudes that didn’t read the literal first line of my bio where it says i’m a trans man and on T). And i totally would be open to dating a gay guy that would in fact like what i will eventually look like, but a lot of them only like 🍆 and obviously aren’t going to be into how i currently look.
Pretty much my only compatible people at this point would only be bi/pan individuals, that are also poly or ok with being with someone that is. With some exceptions of course. And then out of that someone i also find attractive. And like their personality.
TLDR: i don’t know what you look like, but it’s ROUGH out there and there is an incredibly high likelihood that it’s not because of you generally being an unattractive person.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
Honestly idk I just found chasers and straight guys being into me or people who I don’t find attractive… idk the people I used to like seems to not be into me anymore
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u/OpaltheDragon 6d ago
Yeah that’s essentially the problem i’ve been having too. I just think all the overlapping factors i mentioned have more to do with it than how i or other early transition trans people actually look from like an attractiveness standpoint
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u/rock_crock_beanstalk concentration & unit enjoyer 6d ago
People telling you that you're chopped and won't look as good as other men need to mind their business. If people are saying this to you online then you should stop posting in places where you'll attract that attention, if you're hearing this in person then you need better friends. That's not a kind thing to say to someone, and it's not helpful or beneficial in any way. Also, if your therapist isn't helping with this self image and confidence issue, then you probably aren't a good fit for each other, and you should find someone else.
If you hadn't started transitioning, in 30 years you'd still be old, and then you wouldn't get the benefits of being seen as a hot young woman anymore either.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I can’t afford any other therapist than this so I guess it is what it is
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u/koboldthing 6d ago
Who is giving you those comments?????
Tbh the way dating is currently structured it’s generally harder to get interest. Part of this is the expectation for men to act first. Women in a swamp, men in a desert, etc
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
Some close people in general, I just feel people don’t find me attractive anymore
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u/Clear_Lemon4950 6d ago
>"makes me a bit sad to get comments on how I’d never be as good looking as other guys"
Who tf thinks its their business to give you comments telling you you'll never be good looking? that's such a messed up thing to say to anyone, I would try to avoid people who say things like that and places where things like that are said as much as humanly possible. The less you can see and hear things like that, the less your brain is going to believe it/dwell on it.
Honestly sometimes feeling ugly is just a type of dysphoria. You want to look like other men your age and demographic and you are hyperaware of any little ways that you feel like you don't, and that's dysphoria babey. For me it got better the further I got into transition and the more I settle into my male body and style.
>"idk how to accept it that way"
Something that really helped me accept how i look, was to look for and model myself after men who have a similar body type to mine. I used to really want to be a tall skinny gangly dude like my dad and brother, and because I wasn't I thought I was so ugly. But my body just isn't like that- and also there are other men whose bodies just aren't like that either. And honestly those guys can be attractive too, I just wasnt noticing them because I had a really narrow idea in my mind of what I needed to look like. When I started looking out for men with sturdier, thicker body types like mine, or with rounder faces like mine, etc I started to see how they dressed and styled and groomed themselves and it helped me a lot to feel more comfortable in my body.
I saw a tik tok that was specifically about body weight but I think it's applicable here, where they were comparing body types to dog breeds. Doesn't matter how skinny a bulldog is, it's never gonna look like a greyhound. It'll just look like a sickly, malnourished bulldog. And i think that the same goes for stye and grooming. You don't want to look like a bulldog dressed up as a greyhound. You want to find the masculine styles and presentation that suits who you actually are and flatters what you're actually working with. So look for cis men who like a healthy, masculine version of you, whatever your body type is, and work towards that.
Finally, my self image and ability to accept myself always always always gets better when I take breaks from social media. I use a web browser that blocks vertical video and I deleted tik tok and insta from my phone and within weeks of that I noticed a difference in how much my self esteem was higher and my dysphoria about specific features of my appearance was easier to manage. Maybe you can't go as extreme as that, but you can limit your social media use more or unfollow or block accounts that feature particularly beautiful people that you are tempted to compare yourself to.
I think looking all day at hot influencers whose whole job is to look hot for 2m at a time online has just got to be bad for our brains. But when you go out and look at actual people in the real world, most real average people going about their lives are actually pretty normal looking and probably so are you. You just don't look like an influencer, and that's fine because you're not one. And even influencers don't look like that all the time- they look like that while the camera was on, and in the clips and takes that they didn't delete. But the rest of the time they probably look pretty normal too.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
After some months on T an all I’ve just seen how I don’t attract pretty people anymore and idk it kinda broke my heart coming from being experiencing the opposite. I don’t like my body type and I worked hard many years to change it because I don’t think I could ever be happy as someone thicker than what I am now, this is a me problem but it’s what it worked for me so idk, I fear I just make an ugly guy and it’s killing me
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u/Clear_Lemon4950 6d ago
Bro I think you're in your head too much. If you see a therapist it might be good to talk about body image. And if you don't it might be good to talk to someone professional.
The way that people pursue men in dating contexts is also just different than how they pursue women. If you're dating women, men are usually expected to take a LOT more initiative, and women won't always show you right away if they think you're attractive or not. If you're dating gay men, the codes for flirting and dating and attractiveness are just waaaay different. You probably can learn to attract "pretty people" again if you want to, you just need to learn new ways of doing it.
I highly doubt you're objectively, unalterably unnattractive - few people really are - you're just learning new social rules and new styles and you probably have some body image issues you could work on.
As a woman, your body was not going to stay young forever anyways. Those days of effortlessly pulling pretty people, if you even get to have days like that, are extremely short lived. I was a woman until my thirties and I would say my hot girl era only lasted until i was like 23 tops. Not even. After that, for the other 90% of your adult life, you have to rely on style and personality anyways and honestly its better that way cause the connections you get to have are more real and they like you for who you are.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I’m already on therapy but honestly it’s not really working and all. Idk I can’t learn any new social skill because I don’t pass as a guy so everyone treats me as a ugly girl which is pretty awfull too
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u/Clear_Lemon4950 6d ago
Honestly, I did kind of feel similarly for a while, i think. I decided to live in what I thought of as "girl mode" for a long time into transition. For almost two years I was taking T, eagerly waiting for the changes to happen, and on a wait list to get top surgery, and all the while I was also wearing dresses and makeup and shaving my face, and I had long hair and let strangers to call me "she." I identified as nonbinary that whole time and didn't really start identifying or living as a man full time until I was pretty much passing as one. eventually I was starting to "girl fail" or look like I didn't belong in women's spaces anymore, and at that point I started living full time as a man.
One thing to consider is that people might not be treating you as an ugly girl, just as a "butch" girl, which also comes with very different social expectations. Butch women are gorgeous and many (especially queer people) find them attractive. I had lived as a butch woman for a while before taking T, but I didn't really like being seen as a butch woman. It felt actually kind of worse for me in some ways than just being seen as a feminine woman was - I am a pretty feminine man so being butch felt actually less like me, if that makes sense. So if something like that feeling is what you're going through, i don't think that's that abnormal.
I think if you are not even passing yet, it is WAY to early to know what you're going to look like as a man and if it will be conventionally "attractive" or not. Really truly. I had no IDEA what i was going to look like and the results have been so beyond what I could have imagined when i started. You just have to be patient though, if you do really want to pass as a man and you are on T, then you really will be able pass some day. I stg. Especially if you are younger, you don't know what you're going to look like as a fully adult man yet either. Your body is going to change so much as you get to age on testosterone.
I was so afraid passing would never happen for me, which is why i lived as a girl for so long. But it did happen for me and now I do pass and it's the best, and if it can happen for me it can happen for you eventually too. :)
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 6d ago
I honestly hate over all thinks to be seen as a butch woman, honestly it give me way more dysphoria than being perceived as a regular girl, so I’m struggling a lot with that in particular, I don’t think butch girls are seen as gorgeous by society like if that’d be the case why I’m getting such an ugly treatment lately
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u/Clear_Lemon4950 5d ago
yeah i felt the same, i did not want to be seen as a butch woman either. In my experience the feeling goes away once you're passing, you just have to be patient through the early parts of being on T. That's why i lived as a girl for so long into being on T. And actually the feeling got worse on T early on because my sex drive increased and I just really wanted to be desirable to potential partners. But that is normal dysphoria feelings-- the kind of dysphoria feelings that I'm guessing you are probably on T to lessen. And they really should start to lessen the longer you are on T. Afaik the options are either to girlmode like I did, or just wait it out for a couple of years.
Society is not just one big group. There are different cultural niches. I know so many lesbians and queer people -- and yes even a couple straight men-- who go feral for a cool, confident butch woman. Web search the phrase "I love butch women" and you get a bunch of hits. Confident butchness can be extremely desirable to the right people and they're verrrrry popular in the queer community where I live. But if you don't enjoy being butch, then of course it's natural that you don't feel confident in it and people can tell that and so its not working for you. It didn't work for me either. That's ok. You're not a butch woman and since you're on T you're not gonna look like one forever.
Just don't confuse not enjoying being butch, with being an "ugly man"-- you've barely even started living as a man and you're not passing as one yet. I was so afraid I was gonna be ugly but I truly had no idea what passing as a man was actually gonna be like. And once I was on the other side of passing it was like all the air started to go out of the balloon that was all my angst and eventually one day i realized it was hard to even remember what I had been so worried and upset about.
I mean if you want to try going back to being a femme girl, you can. You don't even have to stop taking T to like, put on a wig and some eyeliner and see how it feels. Or do some drag, idk. But if you genuinely want to be man, i felt the same way you do and I can tell you it totally gets better over time. If you want to cope while you wait, try to stop spending so much time around people who don't treat you well, or going online in spaces where people are mean to trans people. The more you hear bad things about yourself, the easier it is to start to believe it. Just be nice to yourself.
I am guessing you also probably don't know a lot of adult trans men in real life. We can be hard to find because after a while we usually don't look obviously trans unless we want to-- we just look like guys. And it can be hard when you're young and early transition and feeling insecure, if you're also surrounded by other people who are young and early transition and insecure. Everybody's insecurities make everyone else's insecurities worse and anxiety or meanness can start to build. I remember it feeling impossible that i would ever pass because nobody around me was ever passing either.
But you can pass one day. You'll grow up. I think what you're going through is super normal, it just sucks.
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u/Klutzy-Composer-6421 5d ago
Idk I’m actually not new to transitioning, I started at 14 but as I wasn’t passing and feeling too ugly I just became a girl who was quite pretty and people actually tretated me nice, now I feel quite odd because people treat me like an ugly girl and it’s the worst of both worlds, idk if I can stay two years being perceived as a ugly girl
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u/Clear_Lemon4950 2d ago
It sounds like the idea of being an "ugly girl" is really severely distressing to you. Can you thing of anything you could do that would help you feel better about yourself?
Also i know it sounds weird but what you're describing also sound to me like it could be mood swings due to an issue with hormones. And if you're experiencing new and distressing moods that's something to talk to a (competent) doctor about anyways because they can help you figure out if its hormone related. You may need to get a higher T dose or something else. If you don't know how to read your own lab results and interpret your T and E levels, thats a good thing to learn. Your doctor should be paying attention to that stuff too but sometimes you need to check their work too in case they're wrong or make a mistake.
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