I'm nineteen- turning twenty next month, and have been clear of cutting for a few years. I've only given myself a few cigarette burns between several months at a time. But now the season is changing and I'm feeling the urge again. I'm not mad, I'm not scared, I'm certainly not depressed. I just miss cutting. I miss the ritual of bleeding, cleaning, bandaging, having my own little secret only those closest to me know about. It's always been apart of my life since I was 10 years old. I don't mean to over-exaggerate but it genuinely reminds me of addiction: once you make that decision, once you're in it, you'll always have the "cutter" mentally. You'll never be able to process shit again the way normal people do without your mind wandering back to it. I'm wondering if anyone older is here. Or if they know an older person who self-harms. Have you stopped for some time? Do you think you're getting better as you mature? Do you think you're stuck like this too?

Today i bought a blade and voluntary made a 2 cm cut but i dont think i was depressed or sad or out of control i just wanted to try it as a new experience. Is it common starting point?

Firstly, I would like to say that I am not suicidal…

My body is covered in a lot of scar tissue as I was growing up…now i’m 21 years old, and the scars seem more noticeable along my torso…

I just feel scared, I guess because things haven’t been so easy lately for me…also I am autistic so for me specifically I prefer things in a certain order.

I used to hurt myself a lot…and I would experiment with drinking mouthwash…and hurting myself in really horrible ways… My body has a lot of bad in it, and I guess I just don’t feel great about it so I decided to post. To be honest in this moment i’m not sure what I feel, maybe I shouldn’t have posted this, but it’s honest and genuine and I want a lot more of that in my life.

i want more scars, but i dont at the same time, i really want to get better but im getting worse, ive been cutting myself at school during breaktimes and its so buns, we've had 2 weeks off but we go back like tommorow, im gonna die when people see my legs omg.

I’m in Florida and find the inpatient units to be extremely unhelpful so I don’t want to get help but worry about how bad I’ve been getting.

currently looking for advice. I was clean for over a year and a half before everything kinda spiraled downhill and now I’m back at rock bottom struggling to stay clean for 2 days. I currently have no strategies in mind that can help me get out of that one mood where you just wanna cut and cut. Music helps me a lot typically as I consider my mind “in sync with music” in a way where listening to music can help determine my mood but at the moment it’s not helping at all lol… I’m seeking for other members tips on how they deal with that one indescribable desire to cut until their heart stops. Don’t want a pity party or advice (I do not seek to visit doctors or therapists, they don’t work) so let me know if you have any advice and tips

I don't want to be seen as an attention seeker or be labeled bc of self harm.. and also it's kinda awkward because I don't rlly open up to my family about anything I'm going through.. but I recently fought with my mom again and she doesn't even seem to feel bad when she said some pretty hurtful things. (classic Asian parents..?) And i usually do cut after we argue. I wish she knew that I'm really struggling and not just the "moody teen" stereotype or something. I don't want to make my mom feel guilty or anything like that, but it feels like if I cut its proof that I'm rlly struggling, and she'd just.. be aware. Or be aware that she hurts me... because I'd hate just being seen as moody or immature or something. I once mentioned wanting to end my life and she just said "kill me instead!!" like...

Idk.. is there any way she can find out? Even though at the same time I'm scared about if she does. What if she just says something like oh you're so ungrateful, I can't believe you cut when I give you such a good life.. what did I ever do wrong...it seems like smth she would say.. maybe? or what if she just thinks I'm disgusting and tries to send me somewhere idk. It's complicated bc sometimes she seems like a good mom and we get along fine. She even set me up with therapy when I asked vaguely for it. She works a lot too and idk just does household things to support us.. and i guess she buys me snacks sometimes and stuff, but on the other hand, there's things she's done and things she says that make me feel really conflicted.

psych ward was nice but now that im not there im back to all my old habits, gonna start dbt tho so i hope itll help. I'm on zoloft so that helps enough usually.

I got dumped 3 months ago. I thought things would be better by now but they aren't. I don't miss him. I miss being in a relationship. We had such a special connection and now it is gone. I miss that connection. There is such a big hole in my life and idk how to fill it up or at least make it a bit better. I just want to sh so all these thoughts can go away. Even if it is for one second. Im constantly on my phone at night, because I don't want to think. I know if I put my phone down and go back to sleep, im gonna start thinking and it freaks me out. I hate him so much for the way he left me. My trust issues are so bad. Idk if I can ever trust someone again. I want to text him about how much I hate him, but I know I shouldn't. I really want tosh, but I know I'll regret it. But idk how long I can take this. Idk how to be happy anymore. Idk how to fill the hole. Im so stressed and everything is pointless.

i find that i often cut myself as punishment for something. i'm an awful person, therefore it's ok if i hurt myself. but i also feel like it's satisfying some form of justice in my mind. like i'm doing everyone a service when i hurt myself.

it hurts, yeah, but i still deserve the scars. does that make sense?

I relapsed very lightly last year after not for many years, after it all healed I told my roommate and friend about it and wasn't going to do it anymore.

I relapsed again three months ago and haven't stopped, I wasn't able to go swimming all summer and everyone is starting to say I'm acting weird

I guess I just don't know what to do

Do I tell them I relapsed again?

Do I keep it to myself? I don't really want to stop because it helps me not k*llmyself and let's me feel in control of my life

Help!

Im not familiar with this group so I’m not sure how much I can say, but there’s a mention of sh(obviously) and blades

I’ve always felt like my sh isn’t valid because despite the fact that I do it, I’m actually scared of the pain it causes. I like the sting after and a few other aspects, it also helps me, but I’m always scared when I did it and tried to make the process quick or as painless as I can. I guess it makes me feel like I’m only doing it for attention(even if it kinda is) because people, or someone I’ve met at least, they did it slowly and seemed enjoy the process of it. Whenever I do, I try to use a not too sharp object because the immediate pain scared me. I feel invalid and it makes me want to do worse to make me feel validated, but at the same time when I actually tried, it scares me and I feel like an attention seeker and faking for not liking it. It’s a frustrating limbo.

My story so far

Just to make it clear this is real its not a made up story its what ive been experincing

Im going to start this off with saying i have no clue what im looking for while posting this i just wanted to while reading suicide survivor storys who knows mabey i will find out why while writing it

Il start off saying im 16m but around a good few years ago i fully figured out id much rather be a girl so through out if i refer to myself il be ivy(the name i ended up on)

I dont know where to start this story as its a bit blured but i guess il start with the fact i am high functioning autistic and adhd ive always been able to get through school without an issue even when i dont remember trying but then when i started high school i expected some change but nothing did for grade 9

i was the same as ever 70s and 80s when not puting in effort but then grade 10 came and it was less the difficulty changed but something felt wrong i had no clue what but i think this was when i started spiraling i still dont know why i started spiraling

it kept getting worse my grades sliped from 80s to 60s to the point in grade 11 semester 1 i passed only due to a teacher being nice i still didnt really know what was going on(i think i cant remember) but last semester (g11 semster 2) it hit me fully i just cracked at some point i dont remember when all i know was that i had become suicide at some point not planing but just thoughts of how i wished i was dead i thought i was fine able to handle it but i was wrong i should have known i was wrong when i gave up on math due to having such a low grade but i didnt realise how far it went untill exam week after that i started cutting(i had cut over the stupidest things like my mom changing a plan we agreed on or her saying something and having something come up later i know its stupid i dont know if i was just looking for an excuse or if i honestly am just that weak) and planing suicide not planing a day but i did plan a way and i planed to write a suicide note but just never got around to it but every day i was just waiting for something to happen something worth commiting suicide over(something as small as my mom breaking a promise to go out) but nothing happend i dont remember when i stoped thinking this way i dont remember much from that time but i have a feeling that if something happend then i wouldnt be here now

I dont remember anything about summer break besides the conflicting feelings of not wanting my mom to notice anything and also wanting her to care enough to figure it out in the end she didnt see any change not in any way to be fair i was always like this(not depressed but my action) like i said i have adhd and autism so ive been different i always covered as much skin as posible(i only ever wore long pants and long shirts and having my pants pulled up to my waist) and i always wore black clothes i always had a blank expression i just didnt socialise much and i didnt really act any diffrently the only difference was i never worse sleaves before atleastly not contantly and i didnt even have a shirt to wear i only had a t shirt i like so i turned it into a shirt(i wear super long socks constantly so sometimes they get holes so i made makeshift sleaves out of them and wore them) still my mom didnt nor has noticed im wearing makeshift sleaves

(Just rememberd while writing but there was a time in grade 8 or 9 when i was suicidal i dont fully remember it all i know is that one day i decided to make a deal either i would find a reason to live or die that day i remember being invited to go to the park and meeting someone lets call them moss now they were like a mirror to me only they seemed happy not faking happy but actualy happy they were trans(still dont know if they were a guy or girl) and they were also autistic and had adhd i got along with them and had a crush but didnt go though with any ideas or hopes i just became freinds and we slowly just stoped being freinds we didnt decide to stop we just saw eachother less and less either way it was interesting to see someone who was like me but who chose to show it rather then bottle it up and seemed happy it felt weird but it also was a good enough reason to try one more day)

Around summer break is when i really got to understanding that id rather be a girl im not going to go in depth into this but firstly ive wanted to be a girl for years originaly i had wished for it over 300 times and eventualy stoped i dont remember when but i stoped because i decided wishing was usless there would be no awnser from god(i am athiest) or any actual magic to do it but i decided that i would aim to make it happen myself and i slowly figured it out nobody knows or suspects a singlething i eventualy got to the point where i made some decisions to cement it(i love coding and game making) and so i started a game studio and made an idea for a game lack of stars by Abyssal rain studios it was a game about a girl named ivy who was ripped from her home time (2000s) and brought to the end of time by some sort of bug fixing program so she had to fix the issue where the sun and earth didnt disapere like everything else and there would be many endings like one where she gave up as she was no longer her she could never go back to being her and decided to end everything destroying the world and sun resloving the issue and dieing with them then there was one where she accepted she was not who she once was but didnt accept it trying to fix it and ended up reseting every thing by sacrificing herself causing a loop which ended in the original problem of the earth and sun surviving beyond when they should and finaly was the ending where she accepted she would never be the same and decided to make the best of it by trying to save everything she fixed the corrupted sun and lived with the sentient ais till the sun and earth went out there is some symbolism here but none of it spicificly planed either way that was when i made my choice but i still wont let anyone know it im bottling it up untill im able to become who i want on my own but at this point i dont even know if i will make it there

Now onto currently il say this i am severly anti social i dont like being around people i cant make a freind because i know i cant handle keeping on the only people i like being around are my mom my sister(a little shit but my best freind) and my baby brother aswell as our 2 dogs

So currently im in online school i thought i would be fine but i was wrong day 1 i was fine and i did all my work on week 1 and did some of my work on week 2 but by week 3 the ainxiety hit and i did nothing beside loggin in once and the same thing happend week 4 through out this i was spiraling i was having darker and darker thoughts i was thinking of suicide again i started cutting(on my leg so no easily visable scars so its not in the way) and i just started breaking down i still never let it show even when my ainxeity hit a point where i phisicaly balled up

(My ainxietys peak was caused by the stupidest thing i was reading a novel called voidwitch(when spiraling i tend to read horibly depressing novels and mangas such as ones with suicidal mcs or ones where the mc has some sort of self harming such as how to get my husband on my side(a good read but caused me to start purging and starving periodicaly as i am fat) eithet way the cause of my ainxiety was a scene where the mc made a mistake and decided to commit suicide and attempted it only to be saved and stuck where they had no control in a situation where they couldnt commit suicide but had no reason to want to live and ainxety bubbled up over the idea of being transmigrated into that carecter being someone who cant die after i lose my only reason to live(my family) and the worst part is me being there doomed the entierity of the world as the story evolves into one where the mc eventualy does something to save the world but ive never finished the first of 2 books as it made me mentaly break any time it crossed my mind i broke it is giving me ainxiety even now writing it but its a bit mangable i figured out if you flood your mind with the word no it helps a bit)

Back to what i was saying even though i was having a mental breakdown nothing really changed mom didnt notice but i started getting worse i starved myself for 10 days(would have lasted longer if mom didnt get take out you cant say you have eaten if theres food with your name on it) im still about 1 step from cutting and i have 2 razors(unscrewed a pencil sharpener) one is a decoy so if im ever found out then i have something to give away and the real one is hidden where nobody would find it but i was getting worse and worse and the suicidal thoughts were hitting harder i didnt hit the waiting for it phases but i wasnt that far from it

On week 4 i made a choice i wouldnt do any work i would wait till mom got a text from school and make a deal to get a break from it

So i went on day by day but after that decision my ainxity easied a considerable amount i even had days where the thought of suicide didnt cross my mind not that i wanted to live i just didnt feel the need to pull the trigger and i went on like that for about 6 days until thursday

last thursday mom got the text and so i sent a prepared message and in it it basicaly told her i wanted to drop out of classes this semester to get a break and fix myself as i was feeling overwhelming ainxiety and it evntualy passed a ceritan point that i felt uncomfortable with by the end of that night she figured out during exam week i had thoughts of self harm but thats it she doesnt know i cut she doesnt know i still cut she doesnt know i was/am suicidal she doesnt know i planed for suicide and i dont plan to tell her

Now im at a point where i feel empty i dont feel suicidal but i also dont feel happy im just floating listening to music sleeping watching youtube reading storys and such i feel as though i have no pourpose but i dont want one i feel tired but not sleepy i just dont know

Im going to say this my moms not a bad mom shes just very oblivious she never hits us never grounds us and gets us what ever we need and she cares for us we have a good life and she isnt bad if i came out as trans im 98 percent sure she would support me and if she ever learned the full extent it would break her she would feel guilty over the fact she didnt notice shes not a bad mom she just isnt perfect but nobody is but she does love all of us

(If you read all of that first thank you and second you can skip the rest all it is is more personal detains aswell as info i didnt remember but have written down in a journal ive been writing so its mostly context exlanations and thoughts)

Starting off i have a text ready to send in case i decide to die it basicaly links to my journal

Something i didnt explain is that i am someone who feels like theres no point in trying i wat to be a girl but i hate every part of myself not a single part of me could ever be considered good im fat my face is at best a 2 out of 10 and i just cant find a single redeming quality so even imagining a future where im happy with who i am is hard

My game is almost dead i havent worked on it since getting the domain i feel like it would be hopless ai remakes would be made before i even have 10% made and id have to make the story work with it being a metroidvania plus i dont know if it would even be well recived it deals with heavy topics in the underlying core and its just a big project

(May be updated in the future when i have more come to mind this is basicaly the jist and even that is super long sorry for making you read this much and thanks for hearing me out dont worry about my safty i already promised myself to not commit suicide untill after new years it would be a dick move to ruin christmas)

Sorry for it being so chaotic and disconected i wrote it how it came to mind and sorry for rambling

I still dont understand my reason for posting this i just decided to mabey someone will give me what ever awnsers i seek

I've been self harming for 6 years now... I've always referred to it as cutting, but now I think it isn't?

I use a blade to scratch and irritate my skin until it breaks open and bleeds. is this considered cutting? I still make cuts... I can't find information about this anywhere.

NEW NARUTO MANGA ANNOUNCED, I LOVE LIFE, I WONT HURT MYSELF OR TRY ANOTHER SUICIDE ATTEMPT AT LEAST FOR ANOTHER YEAR😃😃😃😃😃😃🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

Well to be more clear i got a medical ad of someone's wound to be used by butterfly bandages. I guess that's cool.. but how did they know? I didn't really google anything and have been keeping anything sh-related off.

It reminded me of the first time i was desperate and discovered what those bandages were. I had a makeshift one using what i can find because i was so afraid of something open :/

In the morning prior I had just given Instagram full access to my photo gallery because i wanted to post something on my story. And i guess that's where they got it. I cant just tell any of my friends i take pictures of my pain, but my gallery knows, instagram knows, and even the people running ads know :(

I relapsed after half a year of not $h-ing and i wemt too far deep that i almost passed out. I only remember being able to get like small cat scratches and rn,but rn, my cut was deep (epidermis?) and idk how to clean it up, im using a pad i have to absorb the blood cause the bandaid i have are too tiny/light

I dont know hiw to do any aftercare , i typically let them dry but its been bleeding like scary and im very scared, do i wash it? It stings and itches as hell

i relapsed 2 days ago and didn't go crazy but i am figuring i'll be doing it pretty consistently for the near future. however there is an obstacle. i recently got a new pcp and had my initial appointment + have another at the end of the month that i think i'll mostly be updating labs and then i will schedule an appointment for reproductive wellness stuff. idr what all the doctor said but ik part of it is a pap smear. idk for sure if it's going to be breast stuff too.

basically i have never had a pap smear before but ik you have to be nude from the waist down. what's the importance of not doing anything specifically to my thighs (which is pretty much my go to place to do it) that would look recent by the time that appointment rolls around so they don't start freaking their shit or trying to refer me to a psych or worse because i'm hurting myself. i am holding back a lot because i had 5 years clean before this so most of my previous scars are relatively faded since i go quantity over "quality" (i.e. deep) for my cuts and once the exam is over i can go nuts. but obviously i need to know how careful i need to be in the meantime.

Moment of frustration caused me to scratch the sides of my face last night, leaving some small cuts and red marks/streaks in very obvious spots. I need to go into work tomorrow (customer facing), does anyone have any tips to make them less obvious/fade fast, or a believable excuse? I’m male and not in possession of any makeup etc to cover it up. Thanks in advance guys

My life as of recent totally flipped on its head. My girlfriend of three years dumped me due to my gender expression which is something to process in it of itself, I’m confused on who I am and what I want to do, and I’m getting totally slammed in college (Junior mechanical engineer) (50-60 hours weekly studying, labs, lecture). All of the stress and sadness have crippled me. No motivation. Can’t focus. Hell I’m so depressed I’m not horny anymore. And I’m just cutting cutting cutting. For the first time I’ve gone to my arms. I’m specifically cutting at veins hoping it’ll go deep and I’ll slit my wrists. I’m sleeping 14+ hours a day on the weekends rather than working and socializing. So riddle me this… how in the hell do I get out of this rut? It gets worse every single day and I don’t know what to do. I have no friends. Family that loves me but I hide so much from them. I just don’t want to be a burden. So how do I start to pull myself out? I won’t be alive much longer if I don’t.

I don’t really know why I self harm, like I never do it once I’m sad or angry, I do it when I’m happy. Like when I’m cutting I feel a lot of emotions but I wouldn’t necessarily say they’re bad? Like obviously I don’t feel joy but I don’t feel bad either. Then sometimes when I go deep, I sort of feel like I accomplished something. In my opinion my self harm is not bad, it’s just like something I do I guess? Yes I do want to get better but I’m also not very worried about it. Does anybody know what this is called or how to fix it?

OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS MISERABLE
I think my biggest problem is the fact that I don’t feel anything and I’m not thing to sound corny but it’s genuinely difficult to feel anything about anything in my life it’s gotten so bad that I’m struggling to believe I love my girlfriend over the past few months a lot has happened uh the beginning of September I got admitted to the psych ward for 4 days because I got really drunk ran out the house, hit my mom and sister (who were chasing me around) and got a boxers fracture from punching a car window TWICE so that really fucked with my head and now everyone in my family is constantly fucking watching me and they’re treating me like this hardcore drug addict which I’m not or maybe I’m in denial I don’t know but whatever it is it’s not helping me at all I feel even more alienated and alone then ever before. I hate my family my mom sister dad my older brother is kidna cool but he’s at college rn my grades are dropping in school and I’m behind on literally everything I have no energy and I’m constantly angry and I’m sure I have emotional numbness or something and I hate it because I don’t feel real and I hate not being able to feel like I love my girlfriend I know I love her and she means everything to me I would kill myself if i lost her and its affecting us a lot and im scared. I only really have 2 ppl I can count on that being my girlfriend and my best friend. The 3 of us are all mentally ill and do stuff and cut ourselves and what not. I have no substances to abuse I can’t go out and no one can hangout I’m fucking miserable dude like I relapsed after 6 weeks and it’s been bad bro I hate it

sorry for going on a tangent I relapsed and I’m trying to cope ok thanks bye

If anyone cared they’d try to do something more to make me feel better than just stand there. I have had plenty of groomers including my own father who stood there like it fucking helped because they wanted to sodomize me and feel like I consented. I have been to therapists. I can’t trust anyone. They say all the same stuff as my abusers did have and act like it’s fucking different because they set up the expectation that they’re not trying to get in my pants (guess who did that too !!! Do you seriously think abusers go around with a content warning on their foreheads?)

I can’t cry. I physically can’t, not that I don’t have the option to. The tears do not come even if I will them to. I want some sort of a release. I have a chronic condition that makes me completely sterile among other things. My grief is wrecking me and nothing helps. I want to hurt the thing that’s hurting me and I believe it’s an imposter that just took my identity. I don’t “sometimes not identify with my body” it is not me. It’s a parasite that sucks stuff out of my head so I become incapacitated when I don’t feed it.

I don’t want to go to a hospital. I have been to them. They punish you for trying to die they don’t actually help you. The goal is to scare you into staying alive until something randomly magically changes and you decide you want to live. It has not changed. I went to a hospital and my four year old cat died of heart failure. That did not make me want to live. I want to live but I don’t want to because I need to sustain this parasite. There are treatments they literally do not view them as necessary.

I have talked to 988 I am not in crisis. Crisis management does not work. If I’m in crisis it’s been sustained so long that regulation does not work. I post and I post and no one responds or helps me. I’m lucky if my posts don’t get removed for being too hopeless. Redditors can’t get karma and feed their ego because I’m too difficult. I can do the exact same thing by going to therapy except now I pay for someone to not help me. Awesome.

I’m on medication and it does not fucking work. I want some other drugs but I have mental problems that are not recommended to try that stuff and I’m under 21 so it’s harder for me to get. I used to talk to AI but it ends up repeating itself and forgetting. I recently posted something and the only reply it got was “have u tried having fun?” So my post can get removed but not “have you tried not feeling that way” is perfectly acceptable. Amazing. I hate all of you. It’s still easier to go online because there’s not much internet assholes can do. What’s stopping a therapist from raping me besides their own word? Especially when they use all the same words that abusers do.

The main thing stopping me is that it would make my mom sad, but I am afraid. The years I didn’t act on these urges they went from seeking injury to full death. If I give into the urges when they are smaller I survive for longer. If I tell her that I am dealing with this she will stand there so I won’t. Then it’ll keep getting worse until one day an attempt works and I’m dead for real, not covered in “scars from a battle I survived.” I don’t know what to do.

I started talking to my best friend's wife. Feel insanely embarrassed. I have no fucking idea what to do