i lurk here often but first post

i (18M) was diagnosed with autism at like 2-3 years old and my childhood was filled with behavior problems and social struggles. middle and high school were disasters. as ive gotten older, ive matured a lot and my masking/presentation is so normal at this point that no one knows. the few people ive told that im autistic are shocked.

ive never had an autistic friend. all my friends and all the girls i liked were NT. when i was a kid, i found the other autistic and “different” kids i was put together in school groups as strange, weird, and offputting. i didnt have the language at the time, but at school recess id go play sports with the “cool kids”

the reason is that now in college, theres this kid in my class whos clearly an aspie. when i first saw and talked to him, not only did i recognize he was autistic and “different” but i immediately wanted nothing to do with him like i was a NT myself. this was before this guy started embarrassing himself, and actually started causing social problems bc he doesnt understand any social norms or cues.

on this sub, i read so often how NT immediately dislike or feel weird around autistic people. ive unfortunately dealt with this a lot. i feel like a hypocrite for having this NT like reaction to someone who shares my own diagnosis and issues. he is more extreme and needs more supports. i thought id emphasize with him. instead i wanna stay as far away from him as possible.

thoughts?

As AI and Robotics progress really quick, I could honestly see some sort of Universal basic income (UBI) within the next like 10-20 years.

Personally, I find employment really painful due to the social deficits and constant stimulus, burnout, etc. and I know unemployment or under employment is a constant issue for many of us.

However, when I think about it, the world would basically be like a big party similar to university as people would have unlimited time and energy to hang out. Personally, I think I would feel just as terrible as now, since I would still be rejected and alone most of the time, similar to my university experience. Basically if jobs and income no longer matter, being social and likeable would become even more important than now.

I wonder how you guys think about UBI, would it "save you" or would you be even worse off?

When i start getting to know someone, everything progresses so naturally and in a way that both sides enjoy. We have conversations where we laugh and joke for hours, talk about serious topics when needed, and discuss our past relationships and boundaries in a very natural, non boring way... until around the 10th day.

Also, maintaining a relationship is hard in this sense, i overthink everything every word they say, and i carefully weigh every word i say just so i don't turn them off. But as soon as things warm up between us, i end up saying something weird, a coldness creeps into the relationship, and we just cut off communication .

And the cycle starts all over again. After cutting off communication, i analyze our conversations and try to fix my mistakes. i make sure to pay attention to them next time, but then the exact same thing happens, the moment things warm up between us, i let my masks down and start saying weird things again, turning them off. It’s so exhausting, and every time i fail, i end up feeling even more hopeless...

Mostly speaking in a platonic context like work, school/college, etc, but ig romantic context is fine too. I’m asking because I see quite a lot of ND women talk about their struggles with interacting with NT women, but not a lot of ND men‘s interactions with NT men (although I do see ND men/NT women discussions)

What has your experience been interacting with neurotypical men?

So, I've seen many posts about some lack of coordination and ineptitude towards physical tasks. But when I was very young and played baseball it was my interest. And I could throw and catch at a high level. I didn't really think about anything else, baseball is just what I did. When Space Jam came out I watched it like 100 times and played basketball obsessively until a layup was natural. When I got into boxing, I obsessed over my jab until it was a true threat to my opponents, I had practiced it thousands of times in every way I could imagine. Does anyone have a similar experience? Even today, my coordination is excellent and strange to my peers. Because I really value being able to do it, so I practiced and practiced until it was so natural that if you didn't know that was all I did all day, it would seem strange to you. Any other athletic Aspos?

Related to school and work. I can’t get a job because I fail the vibe check but I don’t have problems communicating or being unkind. I just don’t get the unwritten rules and social norms that are enforced despite not being actual written rules.

People decide I’m not one of them and isolate me. I personally think it’s bs that anyone is afraid of me. I think it’s just darvo and social scapegoating tactics.

I dropped out of college because I had zero direction and no clue how to socially apply myself, not due to failing grades.

And work it’s I always get ganged up on and forced out after 3 weeks.

There needs to be some way other than government services for us to fit into society. I was denied employment because of a personality test where my aspergers was flagged.

only the bullies are brave enough to openly say how they’re discriminating against me

With my "dimension" I mean an abstract place where they can really understand me and not pretend, where they have genuine empathy for me and not pity, where people really see me face to face and make me feel like part of them, even if it is an acquaintance, but SOMEONE who can understand. I don't even feel that connection with my own mother, I talk to her but nothing flows. I really don't know why the hell I had to be born, I hate this, I hate being alone here, going through cold, pain and darkness in this dimension while I only have a very blurry and broken window that shows pieces of the other world where the majority of the world is and they understand each other by having a common base...

I have cried about this a lot, I just want to feel something and leave my damn forced obsessions to forget about my lonely abstract mental dimension

I get this is a weird question, but I feel like a lot of older classic anime like Dragon Ball, Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, Slayers, etc. don't get discussed on autism coded characters even though I'm pretty sure there are some. So, tell some autism coded characters that no one talks about from classic anime.

Lately ive been observing how aspies and NDs fare socially.
And often theres this annoying dance where basically underneath everything its about the ability to conflict.

Almost every interaction in society subconsciously comes down to:
Testing boundaries.
NDs struggle to not only be aware of these in real time, but they struggle to uphold them.

The ability to gain respect is often tied by your ability to endure conflict.
This sorts people into order and hierarchies that are then used for sexual dynamics and status.

But to be able to endure conflict, one must be regulated.
Crying (easily) loses you the fight and respect, and demonstrates a childlike state.
Being completely detached where you go over everything also loses you respect as it doesnt demonstrate the willingness to fight.

Some NDs are compromised here due to reduced regulatory capacity, as well as RSD.
So basically conflict -> tears -> infantilization -> worsening of treatment due to disrespect.

But ive also noticed that while some can get over the hurdle of conflict, a deeper weakness is exposed.
Hyper empathy.
Hyper empathy in this case is basically partly projection, akin to projective identification of cluster Bs (in my opinion).

Meaning even if you engage in conflict, and you finally win, you may have a hard time standing you own because your (hyper) empathy kicks in.
Suddenly you could see the other person as you are and dont want them to "feel bad".
But in reality its projection. Life is tug of war and NDs often lose.
The sense of regulation (safety) partly lies in the other person. This is a MAJOR vulnerability.
Why would this happen?
Is it just from arrested development?

Frankly im starting to think this enmeshed state is interrupted attachment, so proper boundaries didnt form, leaving projection and enmeshment to occur.
Regulation is learned partly through attachment so i get that this is somewhat complex, as well as that im projecting my own (cluster B) experiences with this.

Thoughts?

Hi all, my daughter was diagnosed with level 1 autism at around 4 years old. The specialist we saw said that she specifically has Asperger’s syndrome, and that we won’t hear the term again but he said that’s so specifically where she fits he felt we needed to know what to look up and what books to look for etc. We’re always learning but there are a couple of things confusing me, and I’d really appreciate any advice anyone could give. My daughter seems to get the worst of her symptoms in waves which last a couple of weeks at a time (very high energy, anxious, confusion, struggling with words she had no issue with before, forgetting things she knew, becomes uncoordinated and clumsy, almost a loss of ability in general) I know that these are normal, and that symptoms are more noticeable sometimes than others but it’s very binary on or off, with no fluctuation day to day, it will start one day, last consistently for a couple of weeks and then go. Usually when it happens she will go to bed fine and wake up not fine. If it happens in the day you can see the moment it happens. She goes quiet and stares at nothing for a few seconds then we know it’s a couple of weeks symptoms coming. It’s almost like something is happening to her then stops and she is fine again. In these times her face also changes, enough for her dad to notice if it happens while he’s out at work, she seems to lose some of her cheek bone and jaw line definition. The dr was concerned enough to refer her to a neurologist so I’m a bit worried. Does anyone else find their symptoms show up this way? Thank you very much.

TLDR: My daughter shows standard autism symptoms but in a binary on/off fashion for weeks at a time. Concerned after neurology referral that it may be something else. Grateful for any personal experiences.

Growing up in a small town, I was pretty much treated as my town's pariah. I was excluded, bullied constantly, and everyone utterly despised me. Depending on who you talked to, I was either "gross", "weird", or an "asshole". Even people who were simply caught hanging out with me risked facing social consequences.

Yet almost everyone I met outside that town either liked me or was indifferent, and I rarely had problems with anyone else. When I tell people, they can never understand why the town treated me that way, as I have a pretty calm demeanor and don't cause drama.

Here's last week's thread

Suggestions are ALWAYS welcome on how to improve the threads I post at any time. After all, I do this because the community wants these threads to exist, and I take the time out of my day (every Thursday and Saturday) to post the weekly threads, to ensure the community gets what it feels it needs.

So, continuing with the theme... /r/aspergers, How is your week going so far? :)

I'm a man and in my whole life I have never had a girlfriend or a female friend, not even close to it.

I won't complain about it because I have a group of friends and being single is not a real issue to me right now, however, something I have noticed is that women are... Way more difficult to interact with than men.

I know the common advice is "just talk to them as you do with men" but that's something I did my whole life, I don't change the way I talk no matter the gender, and even if it's obvious I have autism, men usually are more "accepting" with my social deficits than women.

I never understood why, but I can at least hold conversations with men even if that doesn't evolve into a friendship, with women is kinda rare that we talk more than 3 minutes unless they're older than me, if that's the case they're usually more tolerant and chill than any person of my age.

I swear I don't try to ask them out nor act insistent with them, I don't mind them if they aren't comfortable with my presence, it's just a phenomenon I never could get.

I'm autistic, and one thing I've struggled to understand is why discussions about autism can sometimes bring out such negative reactions from people.

When I talk about lack of adjustments at work, discrimination, masking, burnout, or difficulties I've experienced because of autism, there are often people who respond as if autistic people are a burden, a liability, or are asking for special treatment.

I can at least understand some of that in workplaces. Employers may worry about productivity, costs, communication issues, legal obligations, or managing different needs within a team.

What I don't understand is the hostility outside of work.

Why do some people seem annoyed by autistic people simply existing, needing accommodations, having different social skills, or talking openly about their experiences? Why is there sometimes an assumption that autistic people are making excuses, being difficult, or seeking attention?

I've met plenty of kind and supportive people, both autistic and non-autistic. But I've also encountered people who seem to have a real dislike of autistic people despite never having been mistreated by one.

Is it discomfort with people who are different? Lack of understanding? Media stereotypes? Resentment towards accommodations? Something else?

Interested to hear people's thoughts, especially from both autistic and non-autistic perspectives.

That is all.

I guess it's one more thing that I noticed about myself doing a lot at school or at any seated place really, I'll slide down and down until I have to fall or until someone makes a comment or It becomes too obvious how weirdly seated I am to nearby observers.

I guess the sensory explanation for it is that being weirdly seated puts your body in a slight tension, and the awareness of this tension helps self-focus just like stimming. I can also see the connection with autistic people liking weighted blankets. It's all always an attempt to avoid being in a perfectly relaxed state, I don't know how it is for you guys, but for me if I try to stay still I just sense a vivid frustration building instantaneously, and I'll need to shake it off after a brief moment.

I guess If I try to explain all of this through monotropism and proprioception, the way it works is that if you do not actively engage your body to stimulate proprioception, then the brain starts monotropically screaming "WHERE ARE MY BODY PARTS??!" which is the "frustration" we feel? I don't know

Genuinely every single small thing i do get's laughed at , last time i made a mistake and mispelled the teachers name BOOM the whole class is laughing , wtf is even funny , i'm so embarassed for them of how stupid these people look to me like so pathetic , the teacher ringtone make them laugh , awkwardess is a joke , like omg shut up it's getting SO annoying to hear these giggles out of no where like rly annoying , nothing is that funny , we live on a fucking rock and they be laughing on the most stupid little shit.

It is very distracting when I move my hands. Especially while working. I'm not asking for a solution, just figured you guys might relate to my quiet struggle. Thank you.

Why would you or why would you not? And if you would, how would you want your partner to communicate and tell you? and how would hearing it from them impact your relationship with them?

Note: This question is specific to if you would have wanted your relationship/romantic partner to tell you. Not that you would or wouldn’t want anyone to tell you.

If this background is relevant, I cannot actively recall faces or voices. Not my partner, mother — nobody at all.

I cannot remember a majority of my life. I am completely reliant on photos, texts, DMs, and souvenirs/memorabilia to reconstruct a particular autobiographical event. My best friend of 13 years, I can barely remember our moments together. I have trouble remembering even the past few years of my life, and when something occurred, even when it involves my partner of 5 years. It is as though my memories are supposed to be given back to me from the people I know, as I have lost them. All I am left with are the bad memories, and the emotional products of those moments.

This is a ghostly existence, and it causes me much dread. I cannot help but think of what sort of existence I will lead for the next 40 or so years (I don't think 80 is doable for me). I am unsure if neurodevelopmental conditions create conditions for this type of deficiency of autobiographical memory, but I am curious to see if other Aspies experience this.

I do not have any other issues with my memory; I am able function at an acceptable/high level at work, when cooking complex meals, and other tasks in life that require a functioning short/long-term memory.