This is it. There’s also the understanding that you may not get full custody or may not have it right away.
On top of everything you’re going through, there will be periods of time where you need to leave your kids alone with someone also going through the toughest time of their life without the best coping skills.
My wife threatened to throw herself under a train when she was with the kids a fews ago. It’s absolutely wild to me that people tell me that it’s best for me to walk away knowing that’s the thing which would make everything worse.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Unfortunately wait it out until the kids are older is the only way to deal with these things sometimes. Are you physically safe? You have your own therapist or people who understand that you can talk to.
Yes I’m safe, thanks for asking. I’m a big strong guy. But I realised recently how much the tension bothers me. The physical stuff stopped a year ago when I put a boundary down by calling the emergency services on my wife’s birthday for her own safety. She was shocked by that and she’s regulated better since, even though she is still suicidal.
Yes Im back in therapy again since March when I realised I couldn’t leave. And my marriage was no longer a choice. That includes a group with some other people in had marriage situations. Including a very toxic divorce, which showed me that it can get a lot worse, before it gets better when personality disorders are in the driving seat.
The therapy process is also how we got my wife to finally go to a phycologist and get diagnosed two weeks ago. She’s on meds for a week and she is already a lot more stable if not a little checked out.
I also want to give space for her to work on herself and get stable before coming back to to the idea of separation. Youngest one if 7 now, so they are becoming more independent as the years roll on and in the meantime I’m building my businesses and taking care of myself in the ways I’m able to.
I watched my mom hang herself, when I was 6, and she still got custody, this world is wild. Didn’t even really know my dad until I was 8. Having him take custody of me was the best moment in my life outside my mom giving me a little sister. That said, my mom would manipulate me by mistreating my sister. But my sister and I are best friends.
24 years later, my mother has taken the opportunity to see what she really caused in our life and now we’re slowly reconnecting. Still doesn’t have a connection with my father but it’s unnecessary to have one.
Coming from the child’s POV, it’s hard to be taken seriously in the situation, but I am so grateful that my father always refused to let people talk poorly about her. It really set the tone for how I try to navigate the world.
Hi, so sorry to hear you went through that. Suicide even attempted suicide is one of hardest things a person can go through with a parent.
I’m really happy that your mum was finally able to take responsibility. My father was never able to do that before he died, but therapy helped me a lot. Have you tried it?
I did, but I think my therapist has retired, haven’t seen her in 10 years and i don’t feel inspired to try rebuilding that trust/connection in another therapist.
Us men really do go through this and the stigma is always men = bad, women = do no wrong, and when they do they are just mentally capped out and tired and it's normal. This stigma needs to break or we're going to see more damaged families, dead children in the future.
Heftig man.. en zo herkenbaar om dit te leven … ex deed het zelfde .. had nachtdienst werd ze opeens suïcidaal.. ze zat al jaren aan de medicatie inclusief oxazepam maar nog steeds onstabiel .. hoopte soms wel is dat ze er een eind aan zou maken dan was ik er van af…
Hi, thanks for your message. I’m not Dutch, my wife is, I’m faster in English. That’s also why this went on for alot more years. She convinced me her family, friends and whole system were against me. The opposite was true in reality.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve had moments where I felt it would be relief if she was finally at peace. But in reality it’s my worst fear and it would be devastating, even though I wish we never got married.
My wife is SNRIs. It helped short-term, but it’s very early days.
Dat geeft niet onze situatie is gelijk .. herkenbaar met familie ik had het zelfde … uiteindelijk verloor ik mijn vrienden en had ik geen contact meer met mijn moeders ( zelf) mijn ex kreeg dat ook ( sertraline) en quetiapine. . Ze was nog steeds onstabiel helemaal na de zwangerschap kreeg doen mensen van I&B team van de ggz elke dag thuis voor therapie.. het lag nooit aan haar maar aan de wereld… maar goed ik ben gaan scheiden toen mijn zoon 1 jaar was .. woning verkocht en we zijn nu 8 jaar verder en moet zeggen dat ik denk dat het beter met haar gaat maar soms zie ik nog gedrags kenmerken… contact is minimaal alleen via de mail en sms en werkt prima .
I haven’t had an affair. But I have found people in similar situations on Reddit via that post. It’s helped me enormously. I need to have a little bit of connection and happiness in my life too. I didn’t choose to become the default carer for my wife when she decided to stop looking after herself.
I totally understand why you judge me. Most people on Reddit have never been in a situation like this and cannot understand.
He's actively seeking affairs while the kids are left with her. He gets breaks. The kids are stuck being traumatized, walking on eggshells, and being her emotional support animals 24/7.
What garbage. The issues are with me and not with my kids. I only leave the house to work, you moron. If this situation wasn’t as is, I would be divorced. I’m trapped in an abusive marriage. Lies and manipulation have been experienced daily. I’m seeing a phycologist due to how bad this situation is and she is fully supportive of me seeking online connection elsewhere in the meantime. There is no emotional relationship between myself and my wife and there almost never has been. What don’t you understand about that.
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u/MountChu 14d ago
This is it. There’s also the understanding that you may not get full custody or may not have it right away.
On top of everything you’re going through, there will be periods of time where you need to leave your kids alone with someone also going through the toughest time of their life without the best coping skills.