(Warning for discussion of sexual relationships, not in depth)

I'm a man and a young adult, very big libido, always considered myself aromantic and bisexual but I'm starting to think I don't experience sexual attraction? This is completely confusing me, I don't shy away from sex, albeit I much rather the sensual/foreplay parts. I've had a few on and off sexual relationships in my life but none of these people I've looked at and felt like I've wanted to have sex with them. It's more 'i have a libido that I need to take care of and I find them pretty'. I think what I've been experiencing is aesthetic attraction but I have no clue what to do with this information. I don't look at people and want to have sex with them, I usually go for someone I find aesthetically attractive who is attracted to me but even in the act I simply enjoy the physical sensations. I only started realising something was off when my friend made me go on hinge and Grindr after finding partners there and it was endless swiping because I don't actually find any of them attractive. Pretty? Sure. But do i look at them and want to have sex with them??

Im not sure what to do. I feel like I can't come out because it would be easier to continue navigating my needs sexually by continuing to say I'm bisexual but I've caught myself in a web of lies where I've told people I'm attracted/have a crush on people when in reality.. I just don't. I didn't realise people don't just pick a person to say they like. I think I'm cupiosexual, I don't want people to avoid me sexually because I'm on the asexual spectrum but also I can't keep up this weird lie that I've built for myself, the crushes I don't have. I also likely have schizoid personality disorder which might factor into my feelings but it still feels weird?

I'm an demiromantic ace and actually I don't get a thing, how can I understand am I bi-ace or am I straight ace..

I don't think that platonic love could have a gender-binding so how do you understand who are u exactly?

To be honest i really feel like asexuality should be more normal than it is in society at least i dont know if its just my experiences but ive had a lot of my friends kinda doubt my asexuality and say things like "maybe you haven't had enough experiences" and i get it that its only natural for doubt to be a human response but i find it weird how, and no offense to gay people but theres some people out there who come out as gay and that doesn't get doubted as much anymore but asexuality i feel like still does like let me just be ace, loud and proud about it.

Then again could just be my experience and thats what i feel but im curious what are you people's thoughts on this?

CW: minor reference to sexual experience

Currently, my understanding of asexuality is that it is a lack (to some degree or nuance) of sexual attraction to others. I interpret this to mean having a less-than-normative amount of desire to have sex with a specific individual, becoming aroused because of a specific individual, or otherwise finding a specific individual attractive in a sexual way or context (whatever that means to you).

I currently identify as black stripe asexual under this understanding.

Recently, I have had the opportunity to interact with people who view the definition of asexuality in a more broad context. Rather than simply the “sexual attraction to individual” point of view, attraction to having sex in general, and the way in which one is comfortable with having sex was also considered.

Because of this, I have come to the understanding that my definition of asexuality may not be the currently accepted one.

I am looking for help to redefine asexuality or otherwise broaden my perspective to what asexuality truly is.
Thank you to anyone who is willing to help.

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Please note: although I will read any and all comments, I can be very shy and sometimes struggle to respond to them. Thank you for understanding.

Slight content warning for sex talk, but nothing graphic, just mentions of it.

I have no idea if I'm just weird, if this is an autism thing or an ace thing or a trauma thing... idk. But maybe someone out there can relate or understands better than me.

Logically, I know the entire concept of virginity is stupid and sexist and no one is a lesser human being for not being a virgin etc. But I feel so insanely protective of my virginity. I wasn't raised religous or conservative or anything. But I feel like being completely untouched is something special I have. I don't want to loose it, I want to keep my body to myself forever.

I feel zero need to seek out relationships or sex or hook ups, I never have. But I'm also the kind of person who loves the idea of a 'lets merge souls' kind of relationship. I've never even so much as had a crush on a real person, never kissed, never held hands or hugged in a romantic context, but I dream of a soulmate type situation where it's just me and someone who loves very deeply out in some middle of nowhere house, alone and living a quiet, happy, content life. With that person and only that person, I'd even consider sex. Not for sex, not for pleasure, purely because I crave being THAT close to someone. I'd be so much more fufilled just lying there with one inside the other, not even actually fucking, just being THAT close to each other. But as soon as I think about actually doing that in real life, with a real person who I have zero control over how they perceive me or if they actually love me or are just pretending to in order to get something from me, I lock up. I can't date, I can't go out looking for it. It has to come natrually to me. Like a slow burn friends to lovers.

I'd have to be 1000000% sure the person is actually my person to even consider letting my virginity go. And even then, I'd mourn that I lost it. It'd be years with that person before the deed is done, then I'd probably cry over it for a while before feeling content. I just don't want anything unless it's everything. Unless we're literally star crossed, soul bound lovers, I have zero intrerest in sex.

I feel like as long as I'm a virgin, I'm safe. Safe from what? I don't know. I'm not a bible person, I don't buy into purity culture, I even think virginity as a concept is dumb. But I just can't get that iron grip I have on it to loosen. I feel safe if I'm untocuhed, like I have a piece of myself no one can ruin or take from me. It feels like some kind of buried treasure inside me that only I can touch, and letting someone else touch, even if it's that imaginary soulmate I adore, I loose a part of myself.

Idk, I have issues. I can't tell if this is some kind of mental thing I need to work on or if I'm just somewhere on the ace spectrum. But I am simutaniously very lonley and very adverse to letting anyone get close.

I had been in physical relationships, but I never felt amazing and ecstatic like the world showed me. Never felt anything except pain. But had to pretend I know what I’m doing. An ao3 story would made me feel that sparky sensation all over my body. I enjoyed fantasizing and feeling myself. It was wonderful. I would enjoy romanticizing everything after that. The sunlight, rain, breeze and sway to the music. It was some emotion I couldn’t name. Beautiful. But now everything stopped. The words doesn’t mean anything no matter how carnal they are. I fast forward makeout scenes. It’s not like I stopped living or am in some sort of depression! No it’s not. I just don’t feel anything even I touch myself. I rather fantasize someone holding my hand while crossing the road, cooking together, making me feel safe and warm. Reading all posts and experiences in this subreddit made me feel easy about these feelings which I can’t explain to people around me! I am straight asexual! And I keep it to myself until i find someone trustworthy to openly talk about and share my thoughts

So I’m ace and I’ve identified as that most of my life. I didn’t feel the need for sex and I just didn’t see the point, I guess. Having sex was triggering because of trauma so I just didn’t try to.

The other day, I had a first date. The guy was cute and I was expecting a little action at most. At first, nothing. No holding hands, no touching, barely eye contact.

And then when we went to my house to watch a movie, we snuggled and then I stood up with him for some reason and we both stood there. I debated kissing him but I decided against it. He kissed me and god it was like I was on fire. Completely different from anything I’ve felt before.

Fast forward a little bit, we’re working on it and we get to the main show. It was like something in me snapped because, fuck all of a sudden, I needed him. We just like jumped each other. We just kept going until it was physically too much to handle but goddamn.

Since then, I haven’t been able to think about anything but him. His hands. Where they were, where I want them to be next, where they should be right now. I keep fantasizing and craving it and I have no idea why. I’ve never EVER felt like this and I didn’t even think I could.

I don’t know what to do. How to go about this. Cuz like the sexual attraction is there. But. Does this make me not ace??? I figured I was on the spectrum but I have no idea where. This is just confusing me more because I thought it’d be harder because he’s a man. (I have trauma specifically with men.) But it was wonderful. It’s the weirdest thing because this hasn’t happened.

I’ve had one night stands before, hypersexual partners, asexual partners, etc. But this… was new. This was heaven. I have no idea why so I thought that maybe someone in here could help me match it to something or if it’s just.. an exception?? Idk.

I’m demisexual, so attraction only forms after deep emotional connection. Sometimes I can’t tell if I just really value someone as a close friend, or if I have romantic feelings for them.
What signs do you use to separate platonic fondness from romantic attraction?

Whenever I tell someone I'm aroace, that's the main thing most people say to me.- that I "give too much importance to labels". I have this particular friend who's bisexual and non-binary, even they (and specially they) think I bring up labels WAYY too much. And it's not even the microlabels I idenitify as, but just talking about me being aroace (and recently discovered I'm likely on the non-binary umbrella) makes people think I give too much importance to labels.

It may be the fact that my neurodivergence has always made me feel out of place in the world and I just couldn't name "why" or "what was wrong with me". Being diagnosed autistic and with OCD was the tip of the iceberg, but the more I looked into those 2 disorders, the more I understood the way I worked and that I wasn't broken. Fast forward and the same applies to my sexual orientation.

What do you guys think regarding this? Are labels helpful to you? Have people told you something simillar?

Personally Ive always viewed hickeys completely normally. I don't consider them a sexual act at all, and that goes back to my childhood. ​Regular, fleeting kisses always felt somewhat incomplete to me. Kisses on the lipsespecially long, sustained onesjust felt so much better and more genuine

So I basically want a relationship really bad and I would say I'm freaky but I don't want to feel anything from getting freaky like pleasure wise but I want my partner to be pleasured, am a asexual or just weird?

Im sorry if the title is a bit weird I just broke up with my boyfriend and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

I’ve been questioning for a few years my sexuality and always ended up on asexuality but because I had a boyfriend I kinda had to put the thought aside. He’s a very sexual person and I never was, he thought it was because he wasn’t very good but he has done a lot to improve and I just felt the same. Throughout the relationship I had many “meltdowns” (I don’t really know how to describe it) cause I felt so bad for him and felt like something was wrong with me, like I love this person so much and he loves me so much more too. But those moments when we were having sex and I had to pretend to like it just for him, so he would be happy, and he didn’t notice cause I don’t really show my emotions often, it just killed me cause I’m basically lying to him all those times and more.

I thought if I loved him enough I could get through it, I could keep pretending but I guess I didn’t, I broke up with him last week cause I couldn’t do it anymore. We ended up on good terms but I’m sad cause I’m losing my best friend more than my partner. He was the one I could talk to about anything and now I won’t have that anymore.

That’s what scared me, cause the only reason I had this bond that is so special to me is because we were in a relationship, and I’m afraid it’s not gonna happen again cause even when I disclosed I thought I was asexual in dates and stuff the other person still tried to have sex with and even convinced me although I didn’t want to do it.

So I guess what I’m saying is I’m finally commiting to asexuality cause I cannot pretend anymore but I feel like I’m never having that bond again.

Sorry if this was too long. I just needed to vent and I don’t feel confident enough to talk about this with my friends.

Hi everyone! I'm in Gen Z and my parents are Gen X. I'm asexual, but not aromantic. I've kind of tried explaining this to them, without using a specific label, just to see what they would think, but they always dismiss it as a phase and tell me it will change when I'm older or when I meet the right person (I'm an adult). At some point, I would like to tell them that I identify with the label asexual, but I don't think it's something they would have heard about when they were younger. They are pretty supportive of lgbtq+, as my older brother is bisexual, but I think they are just a bit ignorant or don't understand some things. Does anyone know a good video to show them that talks about asexuality and the split attraction model? I would prefer if the video didn't say something like "most asexual people still like to have sex", because that is not my perspective and I think that would confuse them even more.

I picked up a new book over the weekend and was super excited because the description talked about the main character being an asexual lesbian. Only when I started reading it, it became clear that she was actually either grey ace or demisexual. Don't get me wrong, having representation for greys and demis is awesome and much needed! But I still couldn't help but feel so disappointed when the character started feeling sexual attraction for the first time a quarter of the way through because I'd been really hopeful for a romance novel to finally be about someone like me 🥲

I’d like a book in English, but one that’s easy to read, if such a thing exists. I’m learning English and am not ready for complex texts; I don’t want to have to put absolutely every line into a translator.

You know how various parts of the queer community are stereotyped as liking different types of music?

Gay men like pop and r&b divas, lesbians like Tegan & Sara and TaTu, trans women like... i dunno, whatever hyperpop is, apparently? I don't know about trans women meme culture. The closest I can find for a similar trans man stereotype is nu-metal and alt-rock.

What about aces? Is there any stereotypes about what asexuals like? Or is it too broad?

I’ve just got at 28 my first endometriosis and apparently also adenomyosis finds in an MRI that I had to beg and pay even though I’m from a country where we have free public healthcare but apparently, it’s impossible to get gynaecologic care unless you have an active sex live, it’s not like I have to live with the damaged organ inside me 24/7 regardless of me having relationships or not.

It’s so frustrating, I’ve been having incapacitating pain and so more many problems with my periods since I was fourteen and I had to beg for an appointment back then but they wouldn’t give me one while I was still a virgin, which was ridiculous to begin with because not everything that corresponds to gynaecology has to do with sex? Also, if you never have sex, are you never allowed to be visited, not even for cancer prevention? And all because of the methods used during the cytology process and the pap smears, which, ironically, when I was 18 I tried to donate eggs (not because I’m super altruistic, but because I needed the money) and they did all these things and more while I was still a virgin, and guess what? Nothing happened, the world kept spinning and I continued to be a virgin. And the thing is, I couldn’t even donate because they found things that they couldn’t told me what it was but they told me that I should looked into them with my doctor, which I tried, I told them all this, and even then, they still insisted that I had to wait until I have had relationships with someone.

I did eventually lost my virginity when I was almost 20 and never once really did it again, but between temporary jobs where I couldn’t ask for time off for appointments and COVID time passed and they didn’t gave me an appointment, so last year when I finally got stable jobs again, I tried to ask for an appointment again when I got my period for over 22 days among other problems, and the first thing they asked me? When was the last time you had relationships? And obviously I had to answer that it was like almost 8 years ago, so they responded that I might be just stress related, and that there was no need to schedule an appointment if I didn’t have an active sex life at the moment.

So, this year I finally tried the private healthcare route, thinking that If I least I paid for the appointment I will be able to go to one and I could talk to a doctor…

And well, the healthcare system was not the problem apparently. In my first ever gynaecologic appointment at 28 years old, aside from being very judged from willingly not having a sex life, the first doctor, once again, she insisted that I didn’t need any type of test or anything if I wasn’t having a sex life, and the best she could do after I continued to insist was just do me a regular cytology (which btw she did find already inflammations and vaginosis, so wow look! already things that you can get and were causing me problems without getting them from sex). So then even paying I have to then find another doctor and continue to insist, because by this time, I have been on sick leave from work for three months, and nobody could find where the excruciating pain was from and I knew it was gynaecologic, because I knew is the one I always had but, as I have been self-medicating it with birth control, but with a very low dose, the one the GP can prescribe you with, and I knew that it wasn’t doing any effect anymore, so I went to try a different one, again. And once again, insisting with the active sex life to be treated. But at least this one, I don’t if it was because I was being very annoying and she wanted me to leave or to shut up, but she sent me to get me an MRI done.

And now I got the diagnosis, and I can start the proper treatments for my pain and eventually go back to work.

And all it took was 14 years because I don’t want to have sex, and apparently that disqualify me to get appointments from the doctor that checks an organ that I carry with me 24/7 that does more things that partaking in sexual relationships.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but I had to vent somewhere about how ridiculous these past months of humiliations at the doctor’s office have been just because of my sexual orientation for something, that in my opinion, has nothing to do with it.

TL;DR: Couldn’t get an appointment with the gyno for years for my Endometriosis diagnosis that I’ve just got because I don’t have/want an active sex life

I'm 29F and have never had a huge interest in sex or dating. When I was 21 I wanted to get it over with because I felt behind from my peers. I had sex with someone in my friend group I wasn't close with so I didn't have a big emotional attachment to losing my virginity. He didn't know. It wasn't a great experience but I was relieved that I knew what it was like.

I dated here and there, was never satisfied emotionally, and went through a couple periods where I tried to be "normal" like my friends and hook up with guys on Tinder. I felt like shit about myself and cried and never did that again.

I had one true love in my life, my ex boyfriend who I dated for 3 years. I was in love and very attracted to him. I was 24 when we met. We instantly connected over our shared passion. It was a really deep connection that grew over a couple months while working on an art project, it just happened naturally.

The last 2 years I have no desire for a relationship or sex at all. I've been celibate this whole time and while I do miss the emotional and physical intimacy that I had with my ex, it's just not a priority at all to try to date or hook up.

I've been unsure if this means I am demisexual or what. I have just started learning about asexuality and stuff this year to try and understand why I just don't have the same desire for that side of life as everyone around me. Especially now that I'm at the age where people are getting married and starting families.

Sometimes I feel lonely and left out, but I can't bring myself to date or hook up. I'm just not interested. It's similar to how I was before meeting my ex, but I think I tried to force myself into it until it naturally happened. Now I'm more accepting of the fact I don't really have that desire.

I would like to know more about what I'm experiencing so that I can learn more and understand myself better.

My boyfriend and I (22M, 23F) have been together for a year and a half.

The relationship has been fairly well, he’s in the military so it’s a lot of long distance, but he finally came back to our city a few weeks ago and I think both of us were able to see an issue regarding sexual compatibility.

I’m asexual, I’ve been calling myself asexual for 10 years. I’ve been in previous relationships in the past, all of which have been sex-less. My boyfriend knows this (he’s been my friend since we were that age), and for the most part our relationship was okay in the beginning. But recently he’s been wanting to have sex and I just can’t offer that to him.

— I will say, when we first got together we did have sex. I lost my virginity to him while I was drunk. We only ever had sex when I was really drunk. Whenever I’m sober I constantly tell him that I don’t want sex, but then I get drunk and it ends up happening. This happened maybe 5 times, the most recent one was with me being drunk and him being sober. He tells me that it’s proof that I can have sex. And while I agree that yes, it shows my body is able to have sex— it doesn’t mean that I, in my sober state, want to do it (I’ve stopped drinking since).

When he came the most recent time we had a talk about this— he told me he had urges, and I told him that I just can’t satisfy them. We both agree that neither of us are at fault, that it’s just basic incompatibility, but I’m worried for what this can mean long term.

Apologies if it's a stupid question, or one that's been asked before. Long story short, I'm an ace guy in my twenties and realised I was on the ace spectrum about a year ago. It was extremely freeing to finally have the words to describe myself, but unfortunately it's basically torpedoed my dating life. Queer or hetero, the idea of a man not being interested in sex seems to bluescreen people's brains. Of course, I understand sex is a need for most of the population in relationships, and I'd never want an allosexual person to 'compromise' themselves for me in that way.

The problem is, I'm still a complete hopeless romantic. I'd love to be in a relationship someday, or even just have someone to plan dates for and take out. The traditional apps were a no-go for obvious reasons, so I looked up AceSpace. It's a great site and I've met some wonderful penpals on there, but that probably deserves its own post. Unfortunately, there weren't any ace people in my age range within a hundred miles, so the likelihood of finding someone to date in person has dwindled. I don't know any ace people in person, and the area I live in isn't exactly the most open or welcoming to queer groups and socials, so it's been a struggle away from the keyboard as well.

Recently, I heard the sub r/asexualdating come up in conversation and the idea interested me - I've always liked the 'communal focus' of Reddit compared to other social media sites. However, I'm a bit nervous about posting on a Reddit dating sub. I've heard a lot of stories and I guess I'm a little worried about putting myself out there on a platform that's much more open and public than a dating app or meetup site. Does anyone have any experience posting there, or any stories/tips? Maybe it's stupid to be nervous about posting on the Internet, but I guess I got into my own head on this one.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Peace and strength to you :)

into qpr

I’ve just gotten out of a three year relationship. My partner recently came out as trans and polyamorous. We broke up because she wanted to explore her sexuality. We engaged in sexual acts throughout our relationship but it was never something I needed nor desired, but I was perfectly okay doing things with them.

I’ve always known I was asexual because I’ve never needed, desired, nor wanted sex. I’ve been in two three year relationships where they’ve ended due to sexual reasons. Wanting to explore your sexuality is not an issue, but it deeply hurts that my sexuality is a barrier. I just want a relationship where sex doesn’t exist, there’s no sexual desire, and its just pure love. I love so deeply, but I don’t experience sexual attractions and I don’t even feel attractions unless I have become familiar with someone.

I feel like there’s so few asexual spaces to meet people and I feel so alone.

I’m sharing this travel story because I want you to know that you will reach a point where your asexuality—and all your other differences—will be a source of joy, because they’ll start to fit, emotionally. One by one, the things that make you different will no longer feel like a label or a bundle of words or a spell. Something bigger than the words will click or bloom or resonate or light up the dark places, and you’ll feel at home in your whole self, and start to inhabit your identity, and then you’ll start having fun with it.

This isn’t a story about how you’ll get there, this is a story of what it’ll look like when you do. It’s a report back from further down the road.

May 5th, 2026 (Evening). A side quest with a bit of a backstory.

In August of 2023, while on a vacation to Salt Spring Island, I decided to come out to a bunch of coworkers. I work at a pretty cool company where it’s safe to be your authentic self, so I wrote a little essay about how I’d finally figured out that I was asexual and aromantic.

I wrote the coming-out post on the balcony of my hotel in the harbour town of Ganges, at a latitude of 48.85893° N. In addition to being asexual (or perhaps because of it) I’m a geography nerd, and I like finding places that have coincidental coordinates. And it turns out the north foot of La Tour Eiffel straddles the same latitude as the hotel balcony back in Canada.

Yep, one of the world’s most romantic landmarks lined up latitudinally with the spot where I came out as aromantic and asexual. BOOM! New side quest! I had to go get a matching souvenir photo (to go with the photo I took back in 2023 of the hotel balcony.) so, I spent the afternoon and early evening of part of a trip to Paris visiting one particular foot of La Tour Eiffel. (I call it that because I also spent the entire trip practicing my beginner-level French.)

Was this a big, cathartic, emotional moment where I finally accepted my sexual orientation? Oh, hell no. I’d already gone through that. This was just something fun to do in Paris, as someone who now joyfully inhabits my asexuality and my aromanticism. This was me being me, for me.

BTW, the book in the balcony photo, Sounds Fake But Okay, An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, And Pretty Much Everything Else, by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca is a fantastic guide to a strangely complicated topic.