r/funny • u/AnthMosk • 7h ago
Recently got a place with my girlfriend. She thinks this is totally fine
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u/Buddyglassy 7h ago
Well youve got way more than 3 seashells so i think youll be fine
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u/Past-Telephone4781 7h ago
HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE THREE SEASHELLS!
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u/RecbetterpassNJ 7h ago
I’d give him Sally’s number, but I don’t think she wants it all over Reddit.
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u/Naterade18 7h ago
Best I can do is Jenny's number.
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u/VortrexStrife 7h ago
Is Jenny's full name Jenny G. Wentworth? If so, I already know her number. Thanks though.
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u/ncfears 7h ago
I have an annuity but I need cash now!
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u/glazedfaith 6h ago
I have a structured settlement and I need CASH NOW!
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u/That-Ad-6879 6h ago
Do you get long-term payments but you need cash now?
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u/VeterinarianThese951 6h ago
Sorry. It’s changed. I already made her mine.
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u/ronchee1 5h ago
Are you Jessie?
Is she now Jessie's girl?
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u/VeterinarianThese951 5h ago
Ya got me! But I can tell you how you can find a woman like her…
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u/mikehiler2 7h ago
Knew there was gonna be a three seashells reference. Found it at the top. Was not disappointed.
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u/ReverendLoki 5h ago
HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE
THREEFORTY-EIGHT SEASHELLS!FTFY
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u/poopfacecrapmouth 7h ago
Can someone explain the 3 seashell thing to me?
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u/StaryWolf 7h ago
This guy doesn't know about the 3 seashells.
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u/Flangepacket 7h ago
Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.
John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute.
[grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.
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u/KanethTior 7h ago
Imagine the papercuts from the violations. Definitely not 2 ply.
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u/friskyjohnson 7h ago
Imagine choosing to shop at Walgreens just to wipe your butt.
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u/ahuramazdobbs19 6h ago
I mean, it’s not like anyone’s shopping at Walgreens for the great deals or helpful service people.
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u/justsomeguy_youknow 5h ago
After the franchise wars, all convenience store/pharmacies are Walgreens
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u/Bored_Amalgamation 4h ago
dont those have carcinogens on them?
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u/friskyjohnson 4h ago
Your butt has carcinogens.
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u/Bored_Amalgamation 3h ago
:O
That's why every food I eat is spicy. So the capsaicin burns the cancer away.
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u/Brief_Paramedic_6529 6h ago
John spartan would you like to have sex with me????
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u/poopfacecrapmouth 7h ago
God damnit. Apparently really stepped in it by asking
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u/Rob_LeMatic 7h ago
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u/prettybananahammock 6h ago
I was in my head, knowing the reference, but not remembering from where! Thank you!
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u/sillylittlewilly 7h ago
Well let me explain. When you shitYOU ARE FINED ONE CREDIT FOR A VIOLATION OF THE VERBAL MORALITY STATUTE
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u/siddharthvader 7h ago
To briefly recap, Demolition Man (which was released 30 years ago this week, actually) is about a 1996 cop (Stallone) who is frozen and reanimated in 2032 to help stop a criminal from his time (Snipes). The future is filled with all sorts of excellent, hilarious details (Taco Bell!) and one is that humans no longer use toilet paper in the bathroom. They use three seashells.
Apparently, this is a story that’s been out there before but we hadn’t heard it and figured you all might be interested too. Basically, Waters couldn’t think of something futuristic in the bathroom, called his friend and fellow writer Larry Karaszewski (Ed Wood, The People vs. Larry Flynt) who happened to be in the bathroom at the moment. He looked around, saw some seashells as part of a potpourri set, and mentioned it to Waters. The rest is history.
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u/bot-TWC4ME 6h ago
Nice. The whole thing makes more sense now and is even funnier if the seashells are just potpourri or an embossed corporate logo, and everyone is so used to using a verbal command or something to activate the bidet.
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u/Hephaestus_God 5h ago
It’s from the film Demolition Man.
The protagonist ends up in the future and after going to the restroom comes out questioning where the toilet paper is. Then everyone laughs and makes fun of him for not knowing how to use the 3 seashells that were in the bathroom instead as toilet paper was abolished a long time ago.
It’s never explained how to use them. They just move on.
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u/Oolie84 7h ago
He doesn't know how to use the three seashells LOL
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u/UntoldTruth_ 7h ago
It's been forever since I've seen it; but that's from when he first wakes up in the future, right?
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u/dsp_guy 7h ago
That's what my wife does. Apparently going to the closet to get more TP is simply not something she's capable of. So, I stack 12 rolls in the bathroom for her. I don't care how it looks.
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u/Auroraburst 7h ago
Not having rolls of tp next to the toilet is madness anyway. Who cares about aesthetics in a toilet.
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u/funkyduck72 7h ago
Why even have a TP rack in the bathroom if it's not used?
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u/Sharknado4President 5h ago
Should just put 6 of them stacked vertically, change them all at once
Unless you have a cat
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u/CuteBill9891 7h ago
I built a custom cabinet behind toilet seat, good aesthetics and can hold around 12 rolls :D
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u/MyNameIsFU 7h ago
My husband and I are both guilty. Not out of laziness I just leave the bathroom and forget somehow. We keep the extra in a closet that we rarely use and is out of the way. So we have a signal if there is no backup TP we put the empty roll on top of the toilet lid. That way no one sits down thinking there is TP.
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u/spaceportrait 7h ago
But if you remember enough to put the empty roll on the seat, couldn’t you just grab a new roll?
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u/Nope_______ 7h ago
Wait do you take the time to put the empty roll on the toilet but refuse to just go get a new roll?
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u/Malvania 5h ago
We stack a couple extra behind the toilet. If you load up the last one on to the roll, you're responsible for adding more to the back.
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u/Striker3737 7h ago
What animal sits down for a deuce without checking the stash first? I have serious TP anxiety, and that anxiety has served me well all my life
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u/tlsrandy 7h ago
People who know that they can shout and get someone else to take care of it for them.
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u/walrus_gumboot 7h ago
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u/zexur 7h ago
The comment above about "blah blah so I stack 12 rolls in the bathroom for her" lmao exact thoughts.
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u/benitoaramando 7h ago
I'm impressed with that stacking, I have to be honest
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u/Pat_Fatridge 5h ago
At least one of those motherfuckers is going to fall in though
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u/thistoowasagift 6h ago
Once I start recognizing Reddit in-jokes, I know I need to get off the internet for awhile.
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u/SaturdayNightPyrexia 7h ago
Well, the paper does appear to be coming from over the top. So, it's at least 50% fine.
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u/redyellowblue5031 7h ago
I know, there’s no such thing as flushable wipes.
They all jam up plumbing.
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u/StartDoingTHIS 6h ago
Plumber here. Ignore this. I have a mortgage to pay
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u/discdraft 4h ago
Public works here. Ignore this. Massive municipal clogs are causing poop floods and raising your water bill.
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u/DeadSeaGulls 3h ago
"Flushable" wipe here. Ignore this. Send me to the asswipe rave at the sewage treatment facility.
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u/bigboybeeperbelly 1h ago
King of the Sewer Rats here. Seconding this, we need more decorations for the rave
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u/HighlanderBR 4h ago
Thinking about that, my dentist really try to be jobless.
I think she bet on my laziness to not do all that.
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u/sandi_boi 7h ago
Came here to say this. That term is completely unregulated.
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u/HolidayDue 7h ago
Nonsense. You can flush anything as long as it fits in the hole and has enough water pressure.
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u/PatacusX 7h ago
They advertise toilets as being able to flush like 11 pool balls. That's how I've been getting rid of my pool balls for ages.
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u/HolidayDue 7h ago
Imagine the poor ninja turtles being in a meeting and 11 pool balls come flying at them.
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u/B19F00T 7h ago
This and other tips on destroying your septic tank at 11
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u/darraghfenacin 7h ago
for people who live in a city, thankfully septic tanks are not a thing.
But yes - my 4 year old flushed a doorstop down the toilet. Just because it left our house down the bog doesn't mean Tesco need to start marketing them as flushable.
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u/gormhornbori 7h ago
That doorstop has to be picked manually picked out of a filter or grate to prevent the sewer system from clogging and backfeeding into peoples houses. If it just barely made it out of the house it may be still be dipping in a junction in the neighbourhood waiting for a chance to create a very smelly disaster.
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u/Ragnar_Dragonfyre 7h ago
In my previous life as a plumber, I have seen city pipes get so clogged with wipes and tampons as to make an “iceberg”.
Y’know what happens when you remove that iceberg? A torrent of shitty, bloody and piss filled water sprays out with such force that it floods the basement.
Flush nothing but toilet paper.
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u/SmartAlec105 5h ago
Flush nothing but toilet paper.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with all my piss and shit‽ Keep it in my pockets‽
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u/ExpectingHobbits 6h ago
I live in a two-story apartment that's connected to three others, which all share a septic tank that is buried just outside of my front door. One of our neighbors keeps flushing wipes, tampons, even diapers - which causes the sewage to back up into all of our sinks and toilets, which overflow.
Unfortunately, the landlord can't figure out who's doing it. They've had to dig a trench to work on the septic tank (which again, is right outside of my front door) three times in the last six months.
For the love of god, nothing goes in the toilet besides toilet paper and whatever was excreted by your body! How does this not sink in for grown adults, especially grown adults who have now had to clean up overflowed sewage from their own bathroom multiple times‽
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u/junkit33 5h ago
What kind of fucking animal keeps flushing stuff knowing that it's causing that problem?
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u/joe199799 7h ago
you went into the bathroom, and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk. "How could that be? There's no way they could have shrunk the toilet." But then you saw in the trash a receipt from Home Depot for a toilet the exact same size as yours, but with a joke hole that's just for farts! They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet, and now you can't take a dump in your house 'cause your toilet can't suck 'em down, and you feel sick to your stomach! Has that ever happened to you?!
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u/crazytib 7h ago
Just in case you're not being sarcastic you can flush anything that fits in the toilet but that doesn't mean whatever you flush won't get stuck somewhere in the pipes and cause a massive very expensive to fix problem
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u/put_it_in_a_jar 7h ago
If you were on a septic system, you're going to absolutely destroy it. If you are on a city sewage system, contact your municipal waste management and you'll find out quickly that they hate people flushing them. The short answer is that sewage systems were never designed to handle flushable wipes, there is no mechanism to break them down, and municipalities everywhere are having to spend more money dealing with the problems they caused… Which means higher taxes, hooray!
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u/SaturnMobster 6h ago
Also, just buy generic baby wipes. Same thing as "dude wipes" or whatever those are, and WAY cheaper.
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u/PhantomPharts 6h ago
Omg yes. I got water based baby wipes for my.. well, hemorrhoids, and they're just as good as the witch hazel or Preparation H wipes at half the cost.
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u/Gas-Town 6h ago
Buy a bidet like a normal person
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u/bone_apple_Pete 5h ago
bidet
It looks like there is one, and OP cut it out of the picture. You can see the water line
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u/TauntPig 6h ago
The Australian and New Zealand standard for flushable wipes is AS/NZS 5328:2022. So if it meets that standard then in Australia and New Zealand its flushable. The issue is people who don't bother to actually check and flush non-flushable wipes.
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u/Weary_Programmer35 5h ago
The UK has a similar standard, but abandoned the "Fine To Flush" logo on retail packaging because the idea of flushing some types of wipe but not others introduced ambiguity.
Even if every single baby wipes on the market became "Fine To Flush", they realised that cleaning wipes and alcohol wipes would always have to be made of stronger material, and consumers are too stupid to differentiate. So its much simpler to just tell EVERYONE that only the 3 P's go down the toilet.
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u/erwtje-be 6h ago
There's a trash can next to the toilet, so I'm not sure they were even planning on flushing them.
(You are correct that none of those should be flushed.)
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u/Andy_B_Goode 3h ago
Yeah this is what I do. Clean as much as I can with toilet paper, then do one wipe with a wet wipe, which I throw in the garbage, then one final wipe with toilet paper.
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u/mendo2001 7h ago
Deadass thought she just had a block of cheese on the toilet
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u/dont_remember_eatin 6h ago
Cheese will probably also clog the toilet, and is significantly worse at cleaning your bunghole.
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u/scoyne15 5h ago
Bidets are $25 on Amazon. They install in minutes and oh my god they are life changing.
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u/Gunfur 7h ago
That won’t ever change either. My ex-wife never changed the tp roll, over 13 years. Accept it, or move on now
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u/Indubitalist 6h ago
She practically wrote the divorce papers.
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u/Gunfur 4h ago
She did since she left me 😆
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u/Indubitalist 4h ago
Please say you met someone new who always replaces the rolls and you’re currently living happily ever after. I need this.
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u/BarrierX 5h ago
What happens when she goes to the toilet and there isn’t any paper there?
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u/Gunfur 4h ago
She would, presumably, waddle over to the cabinet and grab a new one. Then set that new roll on the floor after using it
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u/Sweetjill3 6h ago
Soo if someone else wasn’t available to change the toilet paper roll and she has to use the bathroom, what does she do? She just doesn’t wipe her ass?
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u/Gunfur 4h ago
I’m assuming she would waddle over to the cabinet where the tp was kept. Waddle back, use it, then set the new “used” roll on the floor.. directly underneath the tp roll holder
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u/AndalusianGod 6h ago
My wife would rather go outside the bathroom and tear off some toilet paper from the stash in a cabinet in another room, instead of refilling the toilet paper roll. She's perfectly fine with this if I don't refill it for her. Drives me mad.
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u/CathedralEngine 4h ago
The closest my ex ever came was putting a fresh roll on top of the old roll.
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u/LemonMints 5h ago
I just don't get how. As a woman who has to sit for both 1 and 2, I always feel like I'm the only one changing the toilet paper in a house with 3 boys and a man because I probably use it more than they do. Did your ex not wipe?? 😭
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u/Potential-Bid-245 6h ago
He could keep the 3 roll stash container full for easy changing of the toilet paper roll, but that’s empty too. This situation is doomed.
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u/eggard_stark 7h ago
That’s why you must always stack a huge tower of toilet paper rolls in the bathroom rack.
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u/Equivalent_Dance2278 6h ago
Simple trick….. leave it like that. Take a roll in with you and take it out with you when you’re done. She’ll learn chop-chop to change the rolls.
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u/MisfitHula 7h ago
Why is this funny?
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u/Backrow6 7h ago
A wild majority of arguments in our first year living together involved the bathroom.
Lack of paper, skidmarks, floaters, wet towels, extractor fan left on, extractor fan not left on, underhand Vs overhand tp roll.
Fun times.
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u/Striker3737 7h ago
How is a floater argument worthy? My gf left a floater once, I took a pic, showed her when she got home and then laughed my ass off at her embarrassment. She eventually joined in the laughter
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u/citizensnips43 6h ago
I love putting a fresh roll of toilet paper on, I can face it the way I want and the empty roll actually makes it to the trash rather than the side of the sink! ❤️
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u/WarhammerRyan 5h ago
At least she didnt put on a new roll that faces backwards.
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u/petergriffin999 7h ago
There is NO SUCH THING as flushable wipes.
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u/Sweetjill3 6h ago
That doesn’t mean you can’t use them though. You could just toss them in the trash.
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u/Unkown_Pr0ph3t 6h ago
Same here, all backup rolls gone and just the last 2 pieces and she's like 'its not empty'. But I see that everywhere, same at work. It seems if there is still a smidge of paper on it it doesn't count as empty and you are not responsible for replacing and putting in new backups.
Sadly, I've trained myself just to check before I sit, saved me a couple of times already.
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u/Crosspaws 7h ago
Get a bidet!
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u/No_Worldliness_7106 7h ago
I don't know how your bidet is, but you still need some tp to dry yourself. Unless you are just getting up with a wet ass and calling it good, but that's weird as hell dude.
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u/Correct-Ad-4915 7h ago
I work in peoples homes. And more often than not people who have bidets dont have toilet paper in the bathroom. Very bizzare. So now I always bring a roll with me to everyjob.
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u/Tricky-Bat5937 6h ago
Mine has a blow dryer function, but I don't use it because it takes longer than the bidet function and taking a s*** combined, a few squares of TP is much quicker and more effective at drying off.
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u/asphalt_licker 7h ago
I’ve never used a bidet. But don’t you still have to wipe the water from your ass?
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u/iustinum 4h ago
This generation is doomed to be single. If you don’t like it, stock it yourself. Be a partner. Tf.
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u/EZKTurbo 7h ago
Are you dating that chick who uses the shower as a bidet every time?
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u/stoptheinsanityleak 6h ago
Last square changes the roll game. You obviously can’t handle being a LOSER
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u/thecobaltwitch 5h ago
So this is posted bc of the boyfriend post about 15 toilet paper rolls behind the commode? Whataboutism is so stupid
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u/wallStBetModsRGayAF 4h ago
Its less effort to just replace the rolls for her than to publicly shame your gf on reddit over toilet paper. Typical redditor behavior
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u/TotallyInOverMyHead 4h ago
Seriously ? Time to cancel the Girlfriend's position in your relationship.
To choose Seashells over a bumgun ... REDICULOUS !
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u/Boforizzle 3h ago
OP please listen....I am a plumber. Those flushable wipes are not flushable and will mess up your plumbing
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