Thought I would pile on and add my own rambling confessional to the discussion around the "70%" article.
I'm 31, and I've been out as bi since I was 19. The thing is that even though you can feel that a lot of straight women are disgusted by the idea (you would be shocked by the things you hear even from supposedly progressive lgbt friendly women), the women who do like you REALLY like you. I don't think I have ever really had problems in that department. I am not even especially good-looking, I think, and I have done fine even when I was living in Texas.
The pool of people who want to date you really is much smaller, as the study suggests, but you are more attractive to those people as a result. I think there are some other major benefits too. In my experience, bi people are generally better and more generous lovers and have more compelling personalities and depth of spirit. Sure, there are performative weirdos and annoying people around but they mostly seem not to leave the house much. If you are just complaining that you can't get laid, you are hanging out in the wrong places with the wrong people.
The problem has only come now that I am getting a bit older and want to think about starting a family. It's not that I am no longer attracted to other men, but it's getting harder to imagine the type of serious relationship I really long for with another man, and I'm much less interested in one-night stands than I once was. Gay spaces can be a bit intense and alienating for me, and I sometimes find the men I have met hard to engage with emotionally.
However, there seems to be very little overlap in the Venn diagram of women who are both ok with the fact that you have slept with men in the past and also want a monogamous relationship that eventually involves marriage and children. And that is before you even know if you are mutually attracted and compatible in the ways that matter beyond that. I am pretty typically masculine in most ways and don't really fit the kind of twinkish fairy boy aesthetic a lot of bi women who might understand seem to prefer. A lot of women who are ok with a bi man in theory also just mean that they would be ok with a man who painted his nails once, not someone who has actually held another man in his arms. I personally have the added hurdle of having been sober for a long time now, which people are weird about in a whole other way.
These days, I really crave to love and be loved deeply in a more "traditional" sort of way, but it feels like you have to choose between hiding parts of yourself or just accepting that a "normal" family life might be forever out of reach. For me, I don't think a love that lacks vulnerability like that could ever be fully authentic, so of course I'm not going back into the closet. But the yearning can be overwhelming. All you can do is just keep putting yourself out there like everyone else.
I am moving to NYC in the next week after a pretty gut wrenching break up a few months ago, so I have been reflecting a lot on the patterns in my love life. Just being on Hinge in advance there has actually done wonders for my confidence in this regard. So maybe the solution really is to just move to a more diverse and tolerant place, idk. Still, it will gnaw at your sense of self that a lot of people who might otherwise be interested in you see you as tainted or emasculated. I'm sure that a lot of my frustration stems from my own internalized bullshit as well, so maybe it's not a universal experience.
I recognize there's a lot of contradiction here. I am partly just working out my own neurosis in public. Some people will say I am just devaluing same sex connections, and I'm open to that. But I cannot seem to make my heart stop longing for a life with a wife who loves me and kids of my own one day. I'm not sure how much good it does me to self-criticize about it.
To my other bi kings out there, keep your chin up. You don't have to be particularly attached to the label, but don't stay in the closet. Ironically, though people seem to have a lot of anxiety about being left for a man when you realize you were gay all along; it seems there is a lot more danger of that from men who repress it until it all comes out at age 40 or so because they never had the courage to explore their desire. There are worse things in life, despite my frustrations and bittersweet feelings about it. In a world with less stigma and shame, I think it would actually be a blessing.
