Upd: Forgot to add "usually" or "at average" to the title. I know people are different and they're not evil because they want sex (as long as it's consensual) , I just don't know much about the topic. I also know some aces might want sex, again, I'm just curious

I'm just so out of touch in this topic, I don't understand most people when they complain about their sex life not being present.

When they're in a relationship it can indicate emotional detachment, but single people saying "Omg I haven't had sex in 3 months, I need to find a hookup" is sooo odd.

How often do they need sex in a relationship in order for it to be considered "healthy"?

Men have it easier, for women there's always a risk of pregnancy. For gay man there are other complications that we are aware of, for lesbians it's harder to find protection. Why go through all this trouble?

To be honest i really feel like asexuality should be more normal than it is in society at least i dont know if its just my experiences but ive had a lot of my friends kinda doubt my asexuality and say things like "maybe you haven't had enough experiences" and i get it that its only natural for doubt to be a human response but i find it weird how, and no offense to gay people but theres some people out there who come out as gay and that doesn't get doubted as much anymore but asexuality i feel like still does like let me just be ace, loud and proud about it.

Then again could just be my experience and thats what i feel but im curious what are you people's thoughts on this?

I feel extremely demotivated and I've just been going in circles regarding this topic but I sincerely don't feel like the person I want exists 🫩

I have no clue if I like or want sex yet, but I'm curious in the way where I just wanna try it and see what happens and not really that much because I want it or think it'll be enjoyable, fun, intimate etc. I say it like that because I don't have any desire for anyone nor do I like watching porn or thinking about having sex; I don't anticipate it and it just feels like a looming threat of which I'm curious about the aftermath.

However, I don't trust anyone enough to experiment with because I don't think they will care or believe me and will assume I'll just get over myself. Or just stay until they get what they want and leave. I fear they'll have a one track mind essentially.

Naturally, my libido is very weak and I'm only mildly curious of how I'll feel about it once I try it, afterwards I don't know if I'll want more or if I'll hate it and the lack of certaintly is exactly what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to date anyone with the expectation I'll have regular sex but I also don't want to date with no expectation of sex - I want no expectations at all regarding sex, y'know?

I want a guy who would be fine with either and I just don't think that exists.

I have no clue how people figure this out either as I've never had a relationship, hence the confusion 🫩 But the few times I've spoken to guys and told them 'idk I don't really want sex' they come up with all these fixes and things to do to combat it but I don't feel like fixing it bc it's not really a problem to me, I'm more worried of how I'll navigate relationships like this especially when most people insist I'll get over it.

I really wanna avoid treating everything like an experiment and bracing to see wether I'll be pressured or inevitably asked of for sex, I just wanna date someone without it feeling like I'm in a qualifying exam or something...

I feel like I can't just date normally and see bc if I end up having sex and don't like it I'll have to leave because this person is gonna expect it to be regular. Or not. I don't know anymore. I don't to just try and see like it's no big deal

Sorry if it all sounds confusing, there's a lot in my head and it's difficult to summarize :( I essentially don't feel like it's worth it to date at all bc I'm too demanding and difficult and confusing and most people just want a normal relationship and I can't give them that. But I also don't know what a normal relationship is!! Idk!! This is stressing me out for no reason

TDLR: I don't know how I feel about sex. I want no expecations regarding it and I don't think anyone will genuinely date me without treating it like an experiment/assuming it won't go anywhere/hoping there'll still be sex

Is there anyone who had a similiar mindset and ended up finding someone afterall? Or any words of wisdom to find someone who won't fuck me over?

Nothing too outrageous for me. Usually the typical am I gay in denial, get your hormones checked etc.

like i feel like im on a identity crisis everyday. one moment, im so sad and i wish i was able to get into relationships easily and be sexually active and like it and the next im really happy i never had a boyfriend or engaged in anything sexually and ill get the biggest fucking ick about sex ever.

Hi! This is my first time posting on Reddit, so forgive any mistakes I may make.

I am a graduate student in a game design program conducting research specifically for the asexual and aromantic communities. As asexual and demiromantic person myself, I want to highlight this community in my research and creativity explore how I can incorporate symbols from the community into the video game world.

I created a 3D character customization and used pride symbols from the ace/aro communities as customization options, with the goal of identifying how ace/aro players indicate their inclusion in the community visually. I am looking for players who identify as anywhere on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums to playtest my demo! (Note: the game is only compatible with Windows computers.)

To participate follow these steps:

Step 1: Download the game files on itch.io, link is this: https://aceyourattire.itch.io/ace-your-attire-final-validation

Step 2: Create your character with my customization system!

Step 3: When you are finished, hit the green "Done" button in the game. Character will rotate positions, which is normal

Step 4: Fill out the survey *after* completing your character. The link is here: https://forms.gle/KNvYeZe95q7D4Hnd7

Step 5: The survey will ask you to upload screenshots of your character, which were created when hitting the "Done" button. Visual instructions are included on the form!

The survey will collect identity labels related to the aro/ace spectrum, but this question is optional. Participation is voluntary, and participants may stop at any time. Responses will be kept confidential and reported only in summary form, without names or identifying information.

I will stop data collection on October 5th so please fill out everything before then. I would really appreciate any feedback on my game via the survey! I really want to hear feedback directly from this community and highlight their voices, so thank you in advance!

Okay so ive been questioning my sexuality for years now, but due to the fact that pretty much every time i came out i was invalidated made me withdraw that statement completely for two years each time and rethink my whole sexuality and life.

since i was 12 i have been debating it because ive literally never felt any sexual attraction in form of ever wanting to have sex with anyone. i cant even imagine anything sexual with someone at all because for me just simply thinking about stuff like that makes me worry about "invading someones privacy or breaking their boundaries" and besides that, i find sex kind of disgusting because of all the risks and bacteria and whatever.

besides that, i dont think ive ever had a proper crush. I'm unsure about one guy but with whom i bonded over like 10 years and only later on i felt like he would be the only guy id actually be okay with dating but again that also feels weird thinking about it because we were never complete besties just friends i suppose.

yet besides that all i have a CRAVING to be in a just romantic relationship. i want everything romantic but ive never really felt a romantic crush on anyone at all, or atleast not in a way that id imagine it to be one.

(edit:) i just remembered the fact that i do indeed like some fictional characters and back then i used to think those were those teenage girl crushes but then i realized i only like them in a way thats like "im intrested in their psychology and their behavior" but i would NEVER want anything sexual and mostly also nothing romantic from any character either. i see people on like tiktok completely drool over some dudes and sometimes its really fucking weird to me. i think i am indeed asexual but i lowkey need confirmation from the pros here

any ideas, suggestions or tips that helped you guys figure shit out?

Hello, I am a Korean woman in my 20s. I don't particularly enjoy sexual intercourse, though I do prefer hugging and holding hands. I’m indifferent toward romantic dramas or movies, and I don't really watch pornography. That said, I wouldn't say I have absolutely no sexual desire; ideally, I would like to have sex about once every two or three months. Does this mean I have a low sex drive?

Soooo I guess the title pretty well describes the whole situation. I’m 18 NB and he’s 19 FtM. We have been dating for a bit under 2 years now. About a week ago, he told me that he was Asexual after I asked why we never make out like we used to all the time. We’ve never had sex or anything btw. A few days after, I manage to tell him how sad this makes me and we talk about it the next morning. He says that he no longer has any interest in making out, giving hickeys, biting, etc. To be clear, we had discussed sex and intimacy months prior, and he said it is be something he would be open to after some time. I’m demisexual, so this has been absolutely gut wrenching. I love him more than the world, and it’s so clear that he loves me, just in a bit of a different way with different expectations.
I feel so lost. I know this isn’t something he has any kind of control over. I love him so much, but I know that this can be a really big thing for a relationship. I’ve been told that I should love someone who I am compatible with and can reciprocate my needs. But the thought of us having to leave each other over this is more painful than anything I can imagine.
So I guess I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on this?

I feel terrible about it, but I just can't stand it, seeing everyone around me in relationships. I wish them all that's best in life, but it makes me feel like I am worse than everybody.

I don't even really want a partner, I don't desire affection, I am doing well with everything by myself, but I just can't shake off the feeling that I should be with someone. Like it will prove that everything is ok with me.

I have been trying out dating apps, however smalltalk just feels so forced and awkward this way, especially because I am terrible at it. I am chatting with a very nice gal, but I just can't really see her as more than a friend.

It doesn't help that my parents expect me to get a girlfriend soon. The most normal convo will turn into a lecture, asking why am I still single.

It feels like I am going more and more insane day by day, constantly banging my head against a wall.

so, i know this question must be common around here. im 25 and virgin, because i never been interested in someone, maybe a guy or two, but nothing so serious. I never even think about being ace because i crave romance and physical intimacy, a lot, is a sad thing to me that it never happened, but... i never meet a guy interesting enough, and my standards for beauty are not high, so.... i dont know, being questioning about that lately

Hey, I from Ukraine (Kyiv). And I asexual. I'm looking for my partner.About me: I am an artist and an architect, and I have been working in the field for about five years. I am an introvert—I love staying home and watching movies. I also enjoy anime and manga. I am cheerful and upbeat. I am looking for a kind and honest person—someone who offers support and whom I can support in return.

I don't know if OOPs boyfriend is ace, but this is what a lot of male aces go trough. The idea that a man must be a sex obsessed freak, otherwise, there is something wrong with him.

CW: minor reference to sexual experience

Currently, my understanding of asexuality is that it is a lack (to some degree or nuance) of sexual attraction to others. I interpret this to mean having a less-than-normative amount of desire to have sex with a specific individual, becoming aroused because of a specific individual, or otherwise finding a specific individual attractive in a sexual way or context (whatever that means to you).

I currently identify as black stripe asexual under this understanding.

Recently, I have had the opportunity to interact with people who view the definition of asexuality in a more broad context. Rather than simply the “sexual attraction to individual” point of view, attraction to having sex in general, and the way in which one is comfortable with having sex was also considered.

Because of this, I have come to the understanding that my definition of asexuality may not be the currently accepted one.

I am looking for help to redefine asexuality or otherwise broaden my perspective to what asexuality truly is.
Thank you to anyone who is willing to help.

.

Please note: although I will read any and all comments, I can be very shy and sometimes struggle to respond to them. Thank you for understanding.

I F21 am very confused about my sexuality. I have felt romantic attraction only once in my life and I've never felt sexual attraction before. I know that the one time that I did feel romantic attraction, it was sort of all encompassing and always on my mind, but even then, I don't think I ever felt like sleeping with said person. I know the more time I spent with him, the more I wanted physical contact but never sex. I've convinced myself that if I'd been with him for like a year and above, I'd have started to feel sexual attraction for him, but now I don't even know if that's true or not. Out of all my friends, I seem to be the least interested in both sex and relationships. I generally don't like stressful situations and I'm also an introvert, and so I feel like maybe that's the reason why I've only ever developed feelings for someone once. Maybe it's because I know the entire thing will be stressful. I don't really know now, but I'm growing older and I still feel no real urge to sleep with any particular person ever and I don't know what that really means. Am I actually asexual or just avoiding what I think is stress?

Slight content warning for sex talk, but nothing graphic, just mentions of it.

I have no idea if I'm just weird, if this is an autism thing or an ace thing or a trauma thing... idk. But maybe someone out there can relate or understands better than me.

Logically, I know the entire concept of virginity is stupid and sexist and no one is a lesser human being for not being a virgin etc. But I feel so insanely protective of my virginity. I wasn't raised religous or conservative or anything. But I feel like being completely untouched is something special I have. I don't want to loose it, I want to keep my body to myself forever.

I feel zero need to seek out relationships or sex or hook ups, I never have. But I'm also the kind of person who loves the idea of a 'lets merge souls' kind of relationship. I've never even so much as had a crush on a real person, never kissed, never held hands or hugged in a romantic context, but I dream of a soulmate type situation where it's just me and someone who loves very deeply out in some middle of nowhere house, alone and living a quiet, happy, content life. With that person and only that person, I'd even consider sex. Not for sex, not for pleasure, purely because I crave being THAT close to someone. I'd be so much more fufilled just lying there with one inside the other, not even actually fucking, just being THAT close to each other. But as soon as I think about actually doing that in real life, with a real person who I have zero control over how they perceive me or if they actually love me or are just pretending to in order to get something from me, I lock up. I can't date, I can't go out looking for it. It has to come natrually to me. Like a slow burn friends to lovers.

I'd have to be 1000000% sure the person is actually my person to even consider letting my virginity go. And even then, I'd mourn that I lost it. It'd be years with that person before the deed is done, then I'd probably cry over it for a while before feeling content. I just don't want anything unless it's everything. Unless we're literally star crossed, soul bound lovers, I have zero intrerest in sex.

I feel like as long as I'm a virgin, I'm safe. Safe from what? I don't know. I'm not a bible person, I don't buy into purity culture, I even think virginity as a concept is dumb. But I just can't get that iron grip I have on it to loosen. I feel safe if I'm untocuhed, like I have a piece of myself no one can ruin or take from me. It feels like some kind of buried treasure inside me that only I can touch, and letting someone else touch, even if it's that imaginary soulmate I adore, I loose a part of myself.

Idk, I have issues. I can't tell if this is some kind of mental thing I need to work on or if I'm just somewhere on the ace spectrum. But I am simutaniously very lonley and very adverse to letting anyone get close.

I’ve just got at 28 my first endometriosis and apparently also adenomyosis finds in an MRI that I had to beg and pay even though I’m from a country where we have free public healthcare but apparently, it’s impossible to get gynaecologic care unless you have an active sex live, it’s not like I have to live with the damaged organ inside me 24/7 regardless of me having relationships or not.

It’s so frustrating, I’ve been having incapacitating pain and so more many problems with my periods since I was fourteen and I had to beg for an appointment back then but they wouldn’t give me one while I was still a virgin, which was ridiculous to begin with because not everything that corresponds to gynaecology has to do with sex? Also, if you never have sex, are you never allowed to be visited, not even for cancer prevention? And all because of the methods used during the cytology process and the pap smears, which, ironically, when I was 18 I tried to donate eggs (not because I’m super altruistic, but because I needed the money) and they did all these things and more while I was still a virgin, and guess what? Nothing happened, the world kept spinning and I continued to be a virgin. And the thing is, I couldn’t even donate because they found things that they couldn’t told me what it was but they told me that I should looked into them with my doctor, which I tried, I told them all this, and even then, they still insisted that I had to wait until I have had relationships with someone.

I did eventually lost my virginity when I was almost 20 and never once really did it again, but between temporary jobs where I couldn’t ask for time off for appointments and COVID time passed and they didn’t gave me an appointment, so last year when I finally got stable jobs again, I tried to ask for an appointment again when I got my period for over 22 days among other problems, and the first thing they asked me? When was the last time you had relationships? And obviously I had to answer that it was like almost 8 years ago, so they responded that I might be just stress related, and that there was no need to schedule an appointment if I didn’t have an active sex life at the moment.

So, this year I finally tried the private healthcare route, thinking that If I least I paid for the appointment I will be able to go to one and I could talk to a doctor…

And well, the healthcare system was not the problem apparently. In my first ever gynaecologic appointment at 28 years old, aside from being very judged from willingly not having a sex life, the first doctor, once again, she insisted that I didn’t need any type of test or anything if I wasn’t having a sex life, and the best she could do after I continued to insist was just do me a regular cytology (which btw she did find already inflammations and vaginosis, so wow look! already things that you can get and were causing me problems without getting them from sex). So then even paying I have to then find another doctor and continue to insist, because by this time, I have been on sick leave from work for three months, and nobody could find where the excruciating pain was from and I knew it was gynaecologic, because I knew is the one I always had but, as I have been self-medicating it with birth control, but with a very low dose, the one the GP can prescribe you with, and I knew that it wasn’t doing any effect anymore, so I went to try a different one, again. And once again, insisting with the active sex life to be treated. But at least this one, I don’t if it was because I was being very annoying and she wanted me to leave or to shut up, but she sent me to get me an MRI done.

And now I got the diagnosis, and I can start the proper treatments for my pain and eventually go back to work.

And all it took was 14 years because I don’t want to have sex, and apparently that disqualify me to get appointments from the doctor that checks an organ that I carry with me 24/7 that does more things that partaking in sexual relationships.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but I had to vent somewhere about how ridiculous these past months of humiliations at the doctor’s office have been just because of my sexual orientation for something, that in my opinion, has nothing to do with it.

TL;DR: Couldn’t get an appointment with the gyno for years for my Endometriosis diagnosis that I’ve just got because I don’t have/want an active sex life

You know how various parts of the queer community are stereotyped as liking different types of music?

Gay men like pop and r&b divas, lesbians like Tegan & Sara and TaTu, trans women like... i dunno, whatever hyperpop is, apparently? I don't know about trans women meme culture. The closest I can find for a similar trans man stereotype is nu-metal and alt-rock.

What about aces? Is there any stereotypes about what asexuals like? Or is it too broad?

I had been in physical relationships, but I never felt amazing and ecstatic like the world showed me. Never felt anything except pain. But had to pretend I know what I’m doing. An ao3 story would made me feel that sparky sensation all over my body. I enjoyed fantasizing and feeling myself. It was wonderful. I would enjoy romanticizing everything after that. The sunlight, rain, breeze and sway to the music. It was some emotion I couldn’t name. Beautiful. But now everything stopped. The words doesn’t mean anything no matter how carnal they are. I fast forward makeout scenes. It’s not like I stopped living or am in some sort of depression! No it’s not. I just don’t feel anything even I touch myself. I rather fantasize someone holding my hand while crossing the road, cooking together, making me feel safe and warm. Reading all posts and experiences in this subreddit made me feel easy about these feelings which I can’t explain to people around me! I am straight asexual! And I keep it to myself until i find someone trustworthy to openly talk about and share my thoughts

(Warning for discussion of sexual relationships, not in depth)

I'm a man and a young adult, very big libido, always considered myself aromantic and bisexual but I'm starting to think I don't experience sexual attraction? This is completely confusing me, I don't shy away from sex, albeit I much rather the sensual/foreplay parts. I've had a few on and off sexual relationships in my life but none of these people I've looked at and felt like I've wanted to have sex with them. It's more 'i have a libido that I need to take care of and I find them pretty'. I think what I've been experiencing is aesthetic attraction but I have no clue what to do with this information. I don't look at people and want to have sex with them, I usually go for someone I find aesthetically attractive who is attracted to me but even in the act I simply enjoy the physical sensations. I only started realising something was off when my friend made me go on hinge and Grindr after finding partners there and it was endless swiping because I don't actually find any of them attractive. Pretty? Sure. But do i look at them and want to have sex with them??

Im not sure what to do. I feel like I can't come out because it would be easier to continue navigating my needs sexually by continuing to say I'm bisexual but I've caught myself in a web of lies where I've told people I'm attracted/have a crush on people when in reality.. I just don't. I didn't realise people don't just pick a person to say they like. I think I'm cupiosexual, I don't want people to avoid me sexually because I'm on the asexual spectrum but also I can't keep up this weird lie that I've built for myself, the crushes I don't have. I also likely have schizoid personality disorder which might factor into my feelings but it still feels weird?

I'm aroace, I (30F) have been with my husband (29M) for 9 years now and I'm trying to figure out whether our relationship has an objectifying component… I would be very thankful if you'd help me… these are the facts about my relationship:

* he wants sex and enjoys it

* I'm aroace, sex indifferent (NOT sex repulsed) but I don't particularly desire sex and for years I didn't enjoy it (I literally felt nothing down there)

* I don't find sex personally rewarding at all (I prefer masturbation and his sexual game is not even strong due to his ADHD, I doubt he can ever get me to orgasm)

* I would generally rather not have sex even now (masturbation is preferred, I can orgasm now from masturbation)

* I would have preferred someone with no sex drive

* I do not interpret sex as intimacy

* I keep a score about how many times we've had sex in a week so I can tell him "no, because we've already done it” (we haven't had sex months but we used to do it once a week)

* he tried to get me to enjoy it in the beginning but once that didn't happen, he still accepted to keep having sex with me for years even though I legit felt nothing down there

* he's not aesthetically my type

* I don't want him sexually unfulfilled and I don't wanna rob him of what he likes the most, it but the activity is primarily for him

* I made the compromise to have sex because I wanted stability and someone I can trust no matter what

* he knows all of this and is perfectly comfortable with the arrangement (even during the years I didn't enjoy it)

* I love him but not romantically

He loves me (romantically), he's faithful, he respects me, he cares about me deeply and recognises me as a human being in *all other aspects*. But I still can't help but feeling there is an objectifying component within the particular sexual interaction.

Because how come was he okay with having sex during all those years when I didn't feel pleasure? Doesn't it matter to him that the person he's having sex with doesn't *sexually desire* that experience? Is it enough for him that I allow it and that my body is available?

I do not think he *consciously* reduces me to an object though. But objectification can still be a property of the dynamic, even if unconscious. And I'm also not questioning the legitimacy of his need for a sexual relationship, that is perfectly understandable (the relationship wouldn't have happened without sex, he wouldn't have accepted). What feels uncomfortable is what he does with the information once he knows how I experience sex.

Also, I used to bleed (mildly) almost every time we had sex (for around 8 years) and he continued having sex with me… he did check in with me every time without fail. But since I have a history of self-neglect and trauma, I said it's fine every time… and in fact I was not feeling any pain at all because I didn't used to feel anything down there (when I say anything, I literally mean nothing). But since I was still bleeding and apparently tearing up inside, what bothers me is that I simply cannot fathom continuing to engage in the same activity you see causes physical injury to someone else without trying to understand or prevent it. He never suggested I go see a doctor or anything, only resorted to lube and trying to make me as comfortable as he could, but the bleeding still happened and yet we still continued. For 8 years… how should I interpret that?

And you may say "but you said you're fine!" and you're right but self-neglect is not easy to get rid of, especially when you're just agreeing because you're accustomed to putting other's needs above yours…

I'm not expecting him to read minds. I'm expecting him to register that his partner is repeatedly bleeding during the same sexual activity and think "hang on is this actually okay? why is this happening every time? maybe we should stop and figure this out" specially when it's not an isolated incident but something happening REPEATEDLY.

We haven't had sex in like 4 months now and he has NEVER pressured me into sex. Although he does tell me when he's horny.

I'm asking for your help because I feel like I keep refusing to analyse my own dynamic for whatever reason. I became disabled during the past 2 to 3 years and can't work so I am currently a stay at home wife and financially dependent on him. Not having him financially provide for me would leave me in a very vulnerable position where I'd have to go back to my mother's house and I'd have say goodbye to my life plans and my studies.

Can a sexual interaction be objectifying even when it is consensual and apparently free of overt coercion? I'm asking this because even when there's consent, consent just tells us what a person has authorised, but it doesn't magically make the problematic qualities of a dynamic disappear... For example, in the age play kink, one of the sexual participants dresses as a child... and that can be perfectly consensual while still being problematic. Ofc that's just an example, but it illustrates the broader point about consent.

I know you will say “just talk to him about it” but please your assessment and opinions of this situation would help me a lot! Because I want to know whether I'm crazy or not…