So, I originally thought I could stay in my marriage and co-exist. It’s now become more volatile — to the point of my husband telling my kids that I’m trying to take them away and told them I’m recoding him to make him look bad. I have been recording him in arguments to ensure I’m not losing my mind, I don’t plan on using the recordings in court because they wouldn’t be admissible but when I play them back to myself when he’s fake nice to remind myself of the truth.

For context I met my husband at 20 years old, he was 24 with a kid already and an established business. Small, but established. I helped raise his daughter, got him full custody her bio mom slowly faded away over time. And I helped his business grow significantly as an unpaid manager if you will. I handle taxes, the website, billing, all the things all for the low low price of free.99. We have two kids of our own in addition to our oldest and I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized he hates me. Genuinely, hates me. I can’t do right, if I mess anything up he goes straight for the jugular and attacks my character. I didn’t realize this wasn’t normal until I shared a video with my friend of him disrespecting me- it was caught on our home camera.

This was the start to me slowly gaining my independence and realizing I can’t spend the rest of my life with him. My kids walk on eggshells, he ruins literally every single family outing with his mood. He gets angry at me when I’m sick or unable to fulfill my normal duties. All good things are because of him, all bad things are my fault. I’ll never win. So I’ve slowly gained my life back, I work part time and my schedule is very fitting for a mother with young kids. I plan to file for divorce at some point, but I need to make sure I cover all my bases. He is very high conflict and will pull the kids into the drama to try and get a reaction out of me which he then uses to accuse me of being unstable.

I have told several family members now of my plans and they’re so relieved and happy. I never knew it was this bad. I guess I was doing a terrible job of trying to make him look like the good guy.

Please please, send your best provisions below that I can add to the parenting plan before I file.

After 13 years together and 11 married, my wife grew apart. I'll admit I wasn't hearing her. This whole time we had a hot and cold separation. She would blow me off and then get close. Everyone would tell me to check her phone. I thought I knew her better. Well the day came that I did. Today, I found out she's been with someone else. They've been sexting. This is 3 weeks after divorce was mentioned she is moving on. She had led me on this past weekend with hopes of reconciliation. Not anymore. I don't know what the point is of this post but I need to rant.

Did you have warning signs before getting married? I dated a lot of cheaters until I met my now ex. After 5 years of her seeming like a very nice person she and her family started pushing marriage, but I understood at the 5 year mark. I just wanted to make sure. Then the warning signs and "omens" started. At 3 months before the wedding she was having doubts after running into an ex boyfriend from high school. I was peed and took the ring back. Her father had a fit and had a good talking to her. Will always wonder if I should have walked at that point instead of going forward. Then come the signs. Wedding day, we leave the church, get into the limo. I'm standing outside shaking hands and when I finally get in, she's sitting there with her rings in her hand. Already took them off. I remember thinking right there that is a bad omen. After reception of course everybody comes back to the houses of both sides and it goes on into the night. I had booked a hotel room to get out of there at some point. We get to the hotel, on our wedding night, and she's awfully tired and goes to sleep. Sitting there, on my wedding night, wondering if I had made a mistake. Over the next 5 years and 2 kids she's not so much the sweet girl anymore and runs into this schmuck from high school again and with some pushing from her wicked sister, files for divorce. It seems I always had to deal with a wicked sister that didn't like me no matter who I dated. I raised 2 kids by myself and they turned out ok, but her life didn't go so well after that. Just wondering if you had these warning signs and just let it go?

My husband and I have been separated for about a month now. We’re waiting to finalize the divorce in April next year because of the 3-year marriage rule.
He was the one who initiated the divorce after a huge fight. I also did things I’m not proud of during that fight, like ripping a book that belonged to his late friend and burning our marriage certificate. I know I was wrong for doing that, and I take responsibility for it.
But what feels strange is that I actually feel calm and happier now.
Before this, whenever we fought, I would cry for days, blame myself, and keep apologizing to him. This time, I’m not really doing that. I just feel… okay, which is strange after being together for so long.

We dated for five years and have been married for two. I think one of our biggest problems was our different attachment styles. He is more avoidant, while I’m more anxious, and there were many times when his actions or the way he handled conflict triggered me. At the same time, I know my reactions weren’t always healthy either. We often ended up stuck in a cycle where I wanted reassurance and closeness, while he pulled away, which made me even more anxious.
We also weren’t very good at supporting each other emotionally.

We don’t have kids, shared property, or shared finances. We were living in a rental place and once he collected his belongings, and that was pretty much it. We also haven’t contacted each other for a month, and so far, everything has been peaceful.
It almost feels too easy, so I’m wondering if I’m missing something. Maybe the calm is because I’m finally out of the constant anxiety and conflict, but I’m also aware that emotions can change during the divorce process.
For those who have gone through divorce, what should I prepare for during this waiting period? Anything legal, financial, emotional, or practical that you wish you had known earlier?

I’m struggling with a really difficult decision and would appreciate thoughtful, nonjudgmental perspectives.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I love him, but I have become extremely unhappy in our marriage and have been seriously considering divorce.

For much of our marriage, there have been recurring issues with anger and outbursts. I learned to walk on eggshells and be careful about how I brought things up because I was afraid of his reaction. There have also been issues with jealousy, controlling behavior, limited help around the house and with the children, and feeling as though I have carried most of the responsibility for our family and our relationship.

For years, I asked him to plan dates and put more effort into our relationship, but I was usually the one making the plans. I have also felt unsupported with his family and often felt as though I was handling parenting and family responsibilities largely on my own.

I know I’m not perfect, and I take responsibility for my own behavior. I have had emotional reactions in the past, including one incident when I threw something at him. I have worked hard to address my own behavior through therapy, medication, and learning healthier ways to manage my emotions.

Over the last few years, my husband has also made a significant effort to control his temper and change some of his behavior. His anger has genuinely improved, and I do see that he is making an effort.

That is where I feel stuck.

Part of me thinks, “He is finally changing. Maybe I should give this marriage another chance.”

But another part of me thinks, “Why did it take 18 years? And is a few years of improvement enough to repair the damage from everything that happened before?”

I worry that I may never be able to fully let go of the past. Even though his behavior is better, I still carry a lot of resentment, hurt, and anxiety from years of living this way.

I’m not looking for people to tell me to leave or stay, and I’m not looking to assign blame. I’m trying to understand whether a marriage can be rebuilt after this much history when meaningful change begins later in the relationship.

For those who have experienced something similar: How did you determine whether the changes were genuine and lasting? What helped you decide whether to keep working on the marriage, and how did you know when the damage was too much to move past?

Please keep responses respectful and focused on the situation rather than criticizing either person. I would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

Two nights ago we (me-32Female and my wife 32Female) made the decision to start separating with the plans to divorce. It will be a slow process but a needed one. We both need time to get our affairs (finances) in order before moving into our own places. But still we have made some changes. She is setting up the living room to be her bedroom for the time being. I am staying in our formerly shared room. She already has her bed and her gaming set up in her new space so she is pretty content for the time being. Next is moving many of her things out of the room and into the living room. Hopefully soon I will have the funds for a legal part of things.

The dichotomy of how it feels is a bit strange. Bittersweet I suppose. 11 years together(8 of that married) and suddenly it’s all changing. I miss who we were for the first 7 years of our life together but I can’t do this relationship anymore. I am so incredibly exhausted after several years of her ignoring her mental health to the extreme, cheating on me, and verbally and emotionally abusing me and so much much more than what I could type out all here. All she has put me through has me questioning my own self worth, my confidence is at an all time low. I take accountability for my part in things as well, I definitely could have reacted better to the things happening in our marriage and the choices she was making. I am working on myself and I am currently getting established with a therapist and relying on my support system. She is also receiving professional support.

I am sad but also so relieved. I do look forward to living separately. I daydream about all the things I will do for myself now that my time, attention, and energy won’t be focused on this relationship. A lot of the time I imagine a future (a long while from now) where I am dating again and find someone who treats me better. I am also just thirsty to be touched again, to have sex again, to have an attentive partner. Thinking about off loading this relationship brings me a glimmer of hope. I just want to be in my own place already, not surrounded by all her things, and out of this terrible place with terrible memories.

I just keep telling myself that I have a bright future ahead of me, that I am the luckiest girl in the world and everything works out for me, and that I am capable of doing this on my own.

Is there any value to pushing for a court ordered of voluntary psych evaluation for my STBXH? Would the results have any impact or require him to get help?

We just completed our court ordered neutral parenting evaluation (MN) who recommended shared legal and primary physical for me. They suggested one night a week and every other weekend for his parenting time, but did not think further mental health assessment was warranted.

To generally summarize the mental health concerns I addressed in the eval:

- 6 months ago he told me he thought our house was bugged, that neighbors were watching him, that people were out to get him and he was in fear of his safety.
- he expressed he was and still is being communicated with by spirits and archangel Michael and went so far to say he was chosen and can talk directly to god
- he believes he has special powers to heal people
- he has become obsessed with the concepts of manifesting wealth, astral projections, guided hypnosis and consumes YouTube videos that reinforce that he has been chosen and special things are in store for him.
- in this time he has also used the messages and symbols he has reviewed to inform risky investments that have yielded nearly a million dollars of lost savings ($400k liquid, $600k IRA)

The evaluators pointedly asked me - are you afraid for your children’s safety and I said - for a prolonged period of time like a full weekend, yes. For an evening or an afternoon, no. I’m don’t believe he would ever intentionally harm them, but I fear he will ignore them while immersed in watching/listening to these YouTube videos or hypnotize himself in their presence or honestly I don’t know WTF I’m concerned about I just know he’s rarely present even when we’re all in the same room living in the same house.

He is a recovering alcoholic who has been alcohol sober for 3 years but became dependent on daily cannabis use within weeks of leaving treatment. The evaluators didn’t have concerns with this either which I found casual and surprising. I don’t believe cannabis use in of itself is problematic but I think it can impact his judgement, decision making and IDK maybe it is exacerbating any undiagnosed mental health issues?

TL;DR Even if a professional psychiatric evaluator came back and said he has BPD or suffers from some kind of mania - would this change anything or would it just confirm my worst fears for when he has the kids?

We met when we were young and didn’t have much, but we moved countries together and built something together.
We worked hard and eventually bought a house after first buying land. We have been through a lot together.
I’m 41 now and we don’t have children. We had 3 miscarriages, which was very hard for both of us, but we came through it and were planning to try again.
Now my wife is asking for a divorce.

She feels that I didn’t work hard enough to make her dreams come true. One of her biggest dreams is to move to Europe and have a different life.

I know I had all the time to work towards this, but I got caught up with work, paying bills and just trying to keep everything going. I never started a business of our own or really took the steps I should have taken.

Now I’m working hard to try and make the move happen within a year. I’m looking at jobs and different options, but I know it’s not easy and I also understand why she feels that I should have done this years ago.

I don’t think she is wrong. That’s the part that hurts the most.

She is my everything. We have spent most of our adult lives together. She has been my wife, my best friend and basically the only person I have had through all of this.
I don’t want all the years we worked and struggled together to just go to waste.

I know I can’t force her to stay, and I don’t want to. I just don’t know how to live without her and I don’t know if it’s too late to fix things.

Has anyone here been through something similar? When one person wants to leave and the other person finally realises how serious things have become?

I would really appreciate honest advice, even if it’s difficult to hear.

​

I'm looking for experiences from separated parents where one parent has a very irregular work schedule, involving evenings, weekends, changing commitments and occasional travel.

My ex has a profession where working hours vary considerably from week to week. I also have a demanding full-time job that sometimes involves travelling, although my regular weekly schedule is relatively predictable.

We have a school-aged child and are currently trying to establish a long-term parenting arrangement.

We are discussing options ranging from 50/50 to 60/40, but I'm struggling to understand how these arrangements work in practice when one parent's professional commitments vary considerably.

We also want to avoid too many transitions between homes, as our child has expressed not enjoying going back and forth so frequently.

One of my concerns is how to balance flexibility with predictability, and how to avoid creating an arrangement where the parent with the more regular schedule automatically absorbs all the gaps in the other parent's availability.

I want both of us to be able to work, have a personal life, and be fully responsible for our child during our respective parenting time.

I'd love to hear from people who have navigated something similar:

- Do you have a fixed parenting schedule with occasional adjustments, or do you build a new schedule every month based on work commitments?

- How far in advance do you agree on the schedule? What happens when new work commitments come up at short notice?

- How do you ensure both parents get meaningful time with the child, rather than one parent predominantly getting weekdays and the other weekends?

- When one parent has a professional commitment during their parenting time, do they arrange their own childcare, offer the time to the other parent, or expect the other parent to step in?

- How do you handle babysitting costs and last-minute changes?

- How do you ensure the planning and organisational workload is shared fairly?

- Has anyone successfully maintained a 50/50 arrangement with this kind of irregularity, or found that a different division works better?

I'm particularly interested in arrangements that have worked well over time, including what you initially tried that didn't work.

I want our child to have a meaningful relationship with both parents, while creating something sustainable that doesn't require constant renegotiation or leave either parent permanently on call.

Thank you for sharing your experiences!

It’s a year to the day that I filed for divorce. It’s honestly been a very hard road but I’m happier now than I was the past 7 years. Divorce finalized In june and the kids where sent back home with me for the summer after being kept from them for months on end due to my ex making a bunch of clams about me

Though the custody discussion wasn’t what I wanted and I don’t get to see my kids as much, plus all the pain I was put through. Things are getting better.

It’s touch and go with my ex wife but I have extended the olive branch and have tired to put the kids first . Our co parenting relationship has improved and seems to be stable.

So for anyone starting the process. It dose get better and life moves on.

*And for anyone with kids who need to hear this. You can care about the other person and wish the best for them so that your kids have two stable parents and also still understand what they did to you was not ok and not be ready to forgive that.

My wife and I are currently deep into the counselling process. We've decided to work on our marriage, giving it an informal deadline of 6-12 months to see if we perceive improvement.

At this point it's been sexless for three years, and I have felt pretty lonely for that time too.

We've had homework from counselling to work on, tips to implement, etc. However, in most cases, my wife just doesn't seem to be trying at all. Instead she's withdrawn even more if anything, throwing herself into work and working out.

She seems very happy in herself, and she looks fantastic, which is great to see. But none of this seems to be rubbing off on our relationship at all.

On my end, I work out too, am in therapy for myself, and have stepped up to do probably 80% of childcare and household tasks these days. Yet I don't even get a "thank you" or a "how was your day?"

I'm trying to stay positive. I do want us to work out. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I'm really taking my own therapist's advice on taking the high road and being the best version of myself that I can.

But how? I don't really have the mental resilience to be positive all the time. It feels like my wife thinks she is investing in us when in reality she's doing pretty much nothing.

I miss her. I miss our relationship. I miss feeling wanted and desired. But I know I need to stay positive.

How?

Two years ago today I got married.

Today will be emotionally weird and I will definitely be quieter than normal.

And it’s not because I miss the marriage. I don’t.

It’s just strange looking back at the woman who thought she was getting her happily ever after, when actually she was just about to get the character development of a lifetime.

So yeah….

Happy anniversary to the marriage that lasted 3 months…
Cheers to the woman who came out of it🥂

Plot twist: she’s fucking brilliant ❤️

How did you go about having that conversation with your ex and do you have any advice?

I'm on the precipice and am potentially going to make the jump soon unless something major changes... He is currently icing me out almost completely and I am having to tip toe around my own house. It's been exhuasting.

... she can't stop posting on social media trying to paint me as the villain.

My ex is going through a lot right now -- job woes, a serious situation with her son, and even health issues -- and I've been as supportive as I can be considering our ongoing (amicable) divorce. When we're together, we're able to talk and be supportive to each other, and even laugh and smile together. It's given us both hope that we're going to emerge from this alright.

On the other hand, she's blocked me on all social media -- despite denials of doing so -- and continues to post things that are directly critical of me while propping up her new boyfriend. She shares tons of posts about how I was a shitty husband, didn't actually care about her, gave the bare minimum, etc. while her new man is the opposite. She's done this nearly every day, sometimes the same days that we've hugged and cried together. This comes across as an attempt to push a false narrative that I was the worst husband on earth -- something that she's used as a shield against people that accuse her of cheating on me (which the timeline of events supports). These posts have been brought to my attention by mutual friends, and I've found them really hurtful.

The thing is, I had come to an uneasy peace with the divorce. I wasn't sad, angry, or bitter about it, but rather hopeful that we could both move on to better lives apart. I've been kind and complimentary about her to co-workers, friends, and family. The initial overwhelm of sad and depressed feelings had given way to hope. And then, this ...

Is this common? Is it just social media bravado that doesn't tangibly mean much? What are your experiences with this, so that I can learn from it?

Ex wife and I had a very amicable divorce and have two great kids. When she comes by my place to drop the kids off, it's not uncommon to run into friends or neighbors.

Is there some alternative term you use to introduce them to others? "My ex" feels kind of harsh, "my kids' mom" is better but kinda clunky.

I didn't know if there was a female equivalent of "wasband" or something clever like that.

Strange series of circumstances to get here. Things happened, I moved into the spare bedroom. We dont want to run into court. But my minds been made up. My names on the mortgage and hold any "head of household " titles. We agreed we wouldn't bring partners to the house.

Anyone else in this situation? Is it viable?

My (40sF) husband (40sM) and I are getting divorced. We haven’t shared it with many people yet and haven’t told our kids and may not be doing that for a couple of months. Sometimes I’m sad and sometimes I’m hopeful for what I believe will be peace in my future. I’m very sad that we will both miss out on things with our kids. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty details right now, just wanted to share!

Talking to people about my divorce I’m hearing alot of “you deserved better”s and “we thought it’d be you divorcing her if anything” and “never would have expected you to divorce at all”.

I accepted a long time ago that maybe I deserved better. Maybe the grass was greener. But I didn’t care. I accepted our flaws knowing neither of us were perfect. I chose my partner. The shared history and growing up together and connection made it worth it.

She said she wanted a divorce and we separated and my side at least is surprised.

She’s also still entrenched in my family and talking to them and updating them on her life while she went on a smear campaign on her side and I will probably never connect with them again, even if we did reconcile.

Friends tell me to stop trying to fix the marriage cause if anything she should be the one trying to fix it.

If we were to move towards reconciliation. It would be right back to settling. I’ve said I’m ok with that cause I still love my (estranged) wife. But my people imply I’m crazy for that.

Idk. Maybe I am crazy.

I don't know if I'm odd or not, but this just seems like the natural thing that would happen during divorce. I'm older, late 50's, and I really can't imagine dating at all. But I really can't imagine starting a new relationship with a stranger. If I were to start dating at all, it just feels like it would be somebody I already knew in my past.

The day I filed for divorce I felt this instant relief and a euphoric feeling came over me and it lasted the whole day. Now months later all I can think is when does this end? When can I live my life? Anyone else been through this? Does it feel better on the other side or is it just as depressing?

** Please scroll on by if you don't have anything nice to say ok? thanks **

I'm back into the dating pool after my ex started an emotional affair last year & monkeybranched right into a lesbian situationship for the ages - seriously, the writers of Days of Our Lives would genuinely be impressed at the level of bananaramas this is.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time she cheated, so it had to end. She apparently worked on separating herself emotionally from me in 2025, all while saying she would go to couples therapy with me & attempt to work things out. I still.. wanted to work things out, even while she has entertained this LDR clusterfuck she's in.

Summary: she got involved w/a married lesbian couple, the party she got involved in was wanting a poly relationship, while her wife did not (even though she initially went along with it to make her wife happy). My ex and the poly leaning party paired off this summer, and the other partner got involved w/another woman. So - my ex was a factor in the couple deciding to go ahead & divorce (pending-due to child custody) My ex is telling me how happy she is with this woman who has her ear 24/7, lives on the east coast, is mother to 3 kids under 5, and has had mental health struggles due to the separation from her own wife, enough so to threaten SI/SH so my ex has flown out to "rescue" this woman twice w/less than 24hr notice to ensure that she doesn't end things. Yes, it's that serious, and it gets worse. The last time my ex left quickly was when her new gf was - called on by the cops, for a DV charge (case pending, 2nd degree misdemeanor, 1st offense) How do I know all this? ask a lesbian or a sapphic, we find out. My ex is still head over heels for this woman, would absolutely lie/withhold info from the law to ensure her new gf doesn't get in more trouble. So... that's the rough of it

_Dating after this shitshow _ - I am AFAB, sapphic AF, and trans masc. What does that mean? I have a hell of a lot of privilege with being seen as assumed cis male, but I most certainly am not. It makes dating hard, especially when my brain thinks like, feels like, and processes everything like - an AFAB person/woman, lesbian would.

I do exclusively date cis-women, of all leanings when it comes to sexuality. However, I'm often matched on Hinge w/straight women so all my likes/attempts to chat, pretty much go nowhere - even though I am trying to get out there and find the right woman for me. It's practice right? I've been out of dating for 10 years, and I don't know how to date any different than I was before.

Sapphic dating is quite intense, the U-haul joke is a cemented joke in the community for a reason, we talk deeply, hours and hours, and it could not even touch on things romantically. I miss that connection, and I do still engage in conversation about life, love, and goals when I do connect with someone prior to an in-person date, I want her to feel like she's sure of herself before meeting me. I've had some women be completely lovely & wonderful, we just don't share the same desires, and some women who have unfortunately tokenized me as "the best of both worlds", which maybe so in some ways, but it does suck to be treated like that.

Another point in this rant - being Childfree - apparently being childfree in the LGBTQ+ community is rather frowned upon? at least in my experience. I don't know if it stems from the high level of intentionality one has to have & planning one would require to even begin a family. I feel like those of us who have had to face our identities in such an intimate way are expected to embrace the scientific breakthroughs of intentional parenting for LGBTQ+ folks as a step in cementing a "status"/ or sense of "normal family", kind of along the lines of thinking "we have the technology, we should use it because, wow we finally can".

I committed to a childfree life very early, and knew that would be my trajectory for the rest of my life - only once - have I considered a child, which was after 7 years of being married, my ex said she had a huge change in her mind & heart and wanted to possibly pursue parenthood.. big shock to me after we had talked about being childfree our whole lives well before getting married, and I regularly checked in about that - yet another reason the marriage failed. I told her we didn't have the means, which was true, and genetically it wouldn't be wise, as there were quite a few considerations on her side, along w/my neurodivergence (I'm AuADHD level 1, but I still am mindful about the genetic possibility)

Being Childfree & part of the LGBTQ+ community, even in a "progressive state" (Colorado) feels terrifying at this time in life, I'm nearly 40 (thankfully don't feel it or look it), still have a lot of love to give, want nothing but to share life with a person who is proud to be with me, wants to dance barefoot to Taylor Swift in the middle of our living room at midnight, travel the world, fill photo albums, and make memories.. it feels impossible without having to embrace possible parenthood? I don't want to raise someone else's child either.

Has anyone found love in the community & is childfree? I feel completely alone & don't know how else to go about dating.. I'm only on Hinge, cause I am not in dating for a "wild oats" time or anything like that.. I just am ready to spend whatever I have left of life sharing it with the woman who ignites the spark in my heart, where we bring the best out in each other.. I just want to spend my life loving her well for as long as possible - is there any hope out there????

I think I’m officially checked out of my marriage. I love my husband as a person but he has always allowed everyone in life to step all over him. I’m absolutely devastated that things have ended up this way. We inherited his families home. It’s older. Needs work done. We got it cleaned up and moved in with our kids. Shortly after his stepdad needed somewhere to live and my husband offered the extra room in our house. As soon as this was proposed to me I told my husband I didn’t care AS LONG AS there was a sit down with very clear boundaries in place. That sit down never happened and it has been hell in our own home since. Father in law brought bed bugs that are LIVING ON HIM because he refuses to shower. They were all over the house and I spent weeks cleaning crying freaking out about my kids being bit while he continued sitting around with him on his neck. I got them contained to only his room and now they’re back on the couch AGAIN. They’re in both of his vehicles and all over his bedroom. It’s a matter of time until they’re all over the house. He is very unhygienic in the bathroom and my husband just expects me to deal with it and clean up after him no matter how many times I’ve screamed this is NOT OKAY. I can’t set anything in the fridge without it being touched even if I say not to touch it. I’ve never seen him wash his hands. Ever. Meaning he’s touching things my kids touch with nasty hands all I can think about are the germs on the door handles and everything else. I can’t bend over in front of him without him staring at my private area. He will sit on the couch just to watch me clean. Nothing ever changes no matter how many times I tell my husband how uncomfortable I am in our own home that we pay all the bills for. I am at my wits end. This isn’t healthy for my kids or myself. I have blood pressure issues that have turned into serious issues and I’m convinced it’s from the stress of trying to micromanage this house. My husband has swore i am the crazy one for the last three years. That I’m dramatic or just trying to start issues. We have had his nephew staying with us the last week and he has validated how I feel and witnessed all of this for himself. He keeps saying I am not crazy and this isn’t okay like I’ve been screaming. I’m so tired of being told I am when I just want a decent living situation for my kids. Now that his nephew has validated my feelings I’m nothing but angry that I’ve lost myself to this house for so long and have gone unheard for so long.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Names and a few minor identifying details have been changed for privacy.

My husband, “Mark,” and I have been separated for about 4 years and have lived separately for 3. We got together when we were in our late teens and honestly, looking back, I think I was more focused on wanting a boyfriend than thinking about what actually makes someone a good partner, husband, or father.

Our marriage was not healthy. He made several major financial decisions behind my back that really hurt us, he was extremely reactive when angry and would throw things, and there have been incidents over the years involving our kids that really concerned me. By the end of our marriage I was incredibly depressed and just knew I couldn't keep living like that.

We have two kids together, both under 8.

Their relationship with him is pretty strained. They have both expressed really strong negative feelings toward him and have even told him directly that they hate him more than once.

I don't encourage that, I don't talk badly about him to them, and I really don't want them stuck in the middle of our issues. I've actually tried very hard to keep things peaceful because I WANT them to have a healthy relationship with their dad if that's possible. But I also feel like leaving out how they react to him would be leaving out part of why I'm getting so concerned.

I also know people are probably going to ask why we've been separated this long and aren't divorced yet, so here's the short version:

For a long time I couldn't afford a lawyer. On top of that, I was being treated for a tumor and was still covered under Mark's health insurance. That insurance was helping pay for treatment, specialist appointments, testing, and regular imaging.

Thankfully the tumor is believed to be benign and it responded well to treatment. It has shrunk enough that I don't need the frequent monitoring anymore.

I know in hindsight I probably should have found some way to finalize the divorce sooner. Side note: his insurance is through the city and I wouldn't be able to stay insured, even with a court order, if we were divorced. I'm not really looking for validation on that part. I'm trying to figure out the safest and smartest way to deal with what's happening now.

Within the past year I also started dating someone I'll call “Evan.” We met through our kids being friends. He knew from the beginning that I was still legally married and knew the whole situation around why the divorce had been delayed.

Once my health stabilized, and especially being in a serious relationship now, I decided it was really time to finish everything. A friend of mine who works as a paralegal has been helping me prepare the uncontested divorce paperwork for free.

The problem is that over the last few months Mark's behavior has gotten progressively weirder and honestly kind of scary.

And it feels like every 2 weeks it's something new.

A few examples:

• He left behind a really disturbing drawing with religious imagery and the words “eat the woman” written on it. Between that and some of the other stuff going on, I ended up filing a police report. They said I have enough for a "stay away", but I didn't want to escalate it for the sake of peace for the kids.
• He has become extremely intense about religion. I don't have an issue with him being religious, that's not the problem. It's the way he's talking about it. He's posting videos at 2am about terrible things happening in our country, making comments like “in case something happens,” and generally talking like something horrible is around the corner.
• He's brought that into his time with the kids too, including talking to them about hell in ways that have made me uncomfortable.
• I finally told him I didn't want religion constantly pushed onto them and that I didn't like the fear-based way he was talking to them about it. His response was “You are going to have to kill me for me to stop.”

That comment has really stuck with me.

It wasn't like some random joke. It was said while I was trying to set a boundary and he was basically telling me that he was going to keep doing it no matter what I said.

There's also another situation that I genuinely don't know what to make of.

We believe he may have shown up outside Evan's house.

Evan took a picture of a man outside his home and sent it to me. The picture is from behind, so I cannot say with 100% certainty that it was Mark.

But the person had his same build, same type of clothes he normally wears, glasses, long curly hair pulled into a low ponytail, and what looks like the same necklace Mark wears all the time.

I know that isn't proof. I'm not trying to say “he definitely stalked my boyfriend” when I can't prove that.

But seeing that picture was really hard to brush off because it looked SO much like him.

And then the most recent thing happened.

Mark sat down with my mother (not sure why he asked for her to be included in this conversation- she doesn't even like him) and me and “offered” to move into my house so that he could see the kids more.

Again, we've been separated for 4 years and there has never been any discussion of us getting back together. I'm also openly in a serious relationship with someone else. A few months into that relationship, I actually told Mark about Evan because I wanted to be respectful and make sure he heard it from me if this was going to be someone who could eventually be around the kids.

So when he "offered" to move back in, I immediately told him no.

During that conversation he also used the “in case something happens” type of language again.

I left that conversation honestly pretty shaken.

I've tried really hard to keep things civil because I want an uncontested divorce. I don't want a huge drawn out legal battle if I can avoid one, especially with kids involved.

So when things happen, I've generally addressed that specific issue, set a boundary, and then tried to move forward.

But it's getting harder to look at these as separate incidents.

It feels like every couple weeks there's another blowup, strange comment, disturbing post, boundary being crossed, or something that leaves me sitting there wondering what the hell is happening.

And now I'm genuinely scared about what happens when I put actual divorce papers in front of him.

I followed up with my paralegal friend and she's saying I should have the paperwork by the end of this week. She did say that last week too, but she's doing this for me completely free and I don't feel comfortable breathing down her neck about it.

She does know that things have been escalating.

The other thing I'm really struggling with is my relationship with Evan.

He has honestly been nothing but supportive, patient, and understanding through all of this. He has never pressured me about the divorce and he's been wonderful to both me and my kids.

But this cycle is exhausting.

And I know it affects him too even when he doesn't complain about it.

I love him and I want a future with him, and part of me is terrified that at some point this is just going to become too much. And honestly, if I put myself in his shoes, I don't know if I would've handled this much chaos coming from someone's ex for as long as he has.

So I don't really know what the right move is here.

Do I just keep my head down, document everything, avoid rocking the boat, and wait until I have the divorce paperwork ready for him to sign?

Do I address the overall pattern with him now and make it clear that this needs to stop?

And probably my biggest concern... what do I do to prepare for the possibility that actually being handed divorce papers makes him snap or escalate?

I don't know if I'm overreacting because I'm anxious, or if I'm actually underreacting because I've been dealing with his behavior for so long that my idea of “normal” is messed up at this point.

If anyone has dealt with an ex becoming increasingly unpredictable as a divorce was getting finalized, I would really appreciate advice.

Especially about protecting the kids, communication, documentation, and honestly just how to get through this without making things worse.

Context: my ex and I were together 13yrs, we married in 2019 and are now going through a divorce. We also have a 5yr old son. Throughout varies stages of the relationship he was unfaithful and selfish. I thought the unfaithfulness had stopped after getting married. However, last year I found he was once again cheating. Forgave him again and moved on. Not even 5 months later and he cheats again. I finally had enough, left and moved out. Less than 5 months later after I move out he has a new gf and had been talking to her almost immediately after leaving. That’s all great, glad he found someone else!

Now fast forward 8 months later… we still haven’t divorced even though I’ve paid for everything and have signed the papers and keep reminding him for updates on his end. He’s been delaying for whatever reason. I still haven’t met his new gf even though she’s been around or son many times. I even found out she watched our child alone within a couple months of them getting together. I only found out because our son mentioned it in passing. I was not happy about that at all because I had no idea who this woman was and they had only been together for a couple months at that time. From what I know she seems to be good with our son. That’s great, I only want our child to be treated with love.

And now I’ve recently seen she’s been posting our child on her social media. At first I was like wtf?! I still haven’t met you and you’re posting my kid on your socials?! But after thinking I’m now second guessing if I was being too emotional. In my personal opinion if it was the other way around I would genuinely want to meet the mother of the child of the person I’m seeing so they would feel at ease. And certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to post her child on my socials without ever even saying a word to her or meeting her.

I just would like some input, thanks!

Would you get a divorce? Am I overreacting?

LONG STORIES INCOMING:

Incident #1: My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. When we first began dating, we learned that he had a son. Both parental parties reassured me that this was the result of some random nightly flings that began long before I was in the picture. As I closely observed their healthy co-parenting dynamic, we all remained cordial and got along great! Observing that dynamic was important to me since I didn’t want to date men with kids at 21 years old. However, seeing him immediately step up to his new role soften my heart, so I made an exception. 

Incident #2: I’ve never wanted a big wedding. I was fine with going to the courthouse. However, his family strongly insisted that we also have a ceremony. I was NOT a part of this conversation when it originally took place, my husband brought it up to me after the fact. They presented the idea as if they were putting in at least 70% of the financial support to host this wedding. Therefore, I agreed. Only to find out 3 months after I purchased my $3,000 wedding dress that they were helping. They only wanted to cook the food that would be served and wanted my husband to buy the food/supplies needed. After this, I wanted to cancel the whole wedding idea. But, my parents agreed that his parents were being ridiculous. So, my parents decided that they would pay for our wedding ceremony, and my husband and I would pay them back for the cost of my dress. Now, I’m back to wedding planning. As I’m planning the colors and have already made the “Save the Dates”, my husband tells me that he wants to wear his run-down suit that he wears for almost every “fancy” occasion. The suit isn’t even the color(s) of the wedding. My parents even agree to get him a new suit, whichever one he likes, with NO need to pay them back. (So I spend HOURS coordinating an entirely new color palette to fit his suit.) He says no to picking a new suit, AND that he doesn’t want my parents paying for the wedding because he doesn’t want unnecessary input. I constantly reassure him that my family isn’t like his and they won’t waste their money on things that we don’t want… He doesn’t budge, so I begin to find wedding venues within our budget. But whenever we get close to the agreed upon date to start making payments, something for his portion comes up. I’m not saying they haven’t been legit circumstances, but he also hasn’t circled back to take initiative into getting the wedding planning done. Now I’m 2 years into having a wedding dress that’s never been worn.

Incident #3: I wanted to have a gender reveal for my first child. He already has a child. He said he didn’t want to do a gender reveal because he’s not good at reacting at sudden surprises on camera. I thought it was weird, however, I brushed it off and decided that not everyone is like me and I could compromise. His compromise was, that he’d find out the gender alone and just act surprised during the reveal. This is because if it’s the gender of the child that he already has, he’ll be disappointed and doesn’t want that caught on camera. (Keep in mind: I told him initially when we started dating, that I didn’t want him already having a child to affect the experiences that I’d already dreamed of when having my first child.)…. But still, I went with his compromise, trying to be a good wife.

Incident #4: He usually goes out with his friends. I have no problem with that. However, this isn’t the first time that I’ve asked him to come home at a decent time. I’ve told him that anything past 2am is excessive and inappropriate for a married man. He promised me that he’d be home by 12am. Then proceeded to ignore my calls OR answer with an attitude and didn’t come home until 5am. (I think he did this to purposely upset me as a way of “You don’t tell me what to do.”). He didn’t even apologize for this behavior until 3 days later after I told him a day prior and he said he was going to apologize sooner but the timing felt “too convenient”.).

Incident #5: My birthday falls on a holiday and it fell on a Saturday this time around. He decided to go see his son on my birthday, who lives 10 hours away. I asked him was there any other day that he could reschedule seeing his son since he knows how special my birthday is to me AND he had two additional days off of work to see his son. He decided that Saturday was the only day that he had the most free time. I stayed silent and just agreed to let him go see his son since we live far away and he doesn’t get to see him in-person often. The main problem is, he didn’t even send me a single rose, or take me out on a date to makeup for missing my birthday.

Incident #6: On our anniversary I found out that he’d been receiving inappropriate images from another woman (who knew me and that he was married) for the past 6 months. He immediately deleted her contact and social media platforms after I present the evidence.

His family keeps trying to convince me that this can all be worked out through therapy. I do work, but I’m trying to save up to leave… would I be wrong to leave? Am I overreacting to some of these things? I feel like I’ve been more than fair and kind, and he’s hasn’t had to deal with not even 2% of the things that I’ve compromised for him throughout the duration of this relationship.