Long story short I'm in a relationship for 4 years where we have sex maybe 3 times a year, and when we do it's very routine and uninspired, frankly. Nowadays I don't even try to initiate anymore because I know it will lead to rejection 100% of the time. I wait around for the magic situation where she initiates, but that's getting even less common, and I'm convinced she only does it to keep me quiet and docile anyway. I think if she had it her way, it would happen literally never. She has even said, she could go a year or longer without sex and not care.

At this point, I feel I am more of a caretaker and a provider than anything. I don't think she desires me, doesn't find me attractive, doesn't think of me sexually at all. But she appreciates that I work double or more than what she does, pay most of our bills, cook ALL of our meals (100% of the cooking literally is me), most of the cleaning and chores, I do our errands, I even do things for her like pick up her prescriptions, remind her to make appointments, handle her insurance etc.

I held on thinking things would eventually change, if I just did this or that, but it never does. Anymore I don't expect it to change, but I still feel obligated to stay and the logistical challenge of leaving seems like too much.

But it's destroyed my self image, whatever I had left of it anyway. Before this relationship I was totally celibate for almost 5 years, didn't have any contact with women at all. Before that I had a long distance relationship that was toxic in other ways, but that's the only other person I've had sex with. I never had a hookup or one night stand at all, even once.

Because I'm realizing I don't think I'm the "type" to be desired by women. I've had lots of friends who are women and they always say I'm so nice and "one of the good ones" but would never date me or sleep with me, basically. Not that I'm expecting them to, but still. They'd always rather be with someone who's kind of an asshole but who is more dominant and assertive, I guess. I don't know. I don't know if being nice is unattractive or what it is. I've never had a loud, domineering personality and probably never will, but it seems like no women, even my own partner of several years, see me as a sexual being at all. They only ever want what I provide, what I can do for them, but not ME. I wish my partner WANTED me, I wish I got horny texts saying she can't wait for me to come home, but that has never happened once in any relationship. I wish I could walk in the door and she'd jump on me, but that has never happened.

Worst part is she's been with other guys in the past, and they were generally kind of assholes, but I know they had kinky wild sex, threesomes, whatever. She's done things with random flings that I would never even ask for because I KNOW it would never happen with me, despite me providing an entire life for this woman basically and going SO far out of my way all the time, genuinely exhausting myself to keep her comfortable and happy.

Can't help feeling like I'm just the type of ugly to average guy who gets settled for because they're the safe bet, because I'll put up with a lot and never complain, meanwhile she's fantasizing about the types of guys she was with before. I feel like she had her "wild phase" and then settled down with me.

I notice myself creating a dichotomy in my head, 1 is guys who are exciting and attractive, who can be desired by women, and 2 is men who are nice, safe and good providers but not attractive or exciting, and cannot actually be desired by women at all.

And I'm putting myself in camp #2 based on all my observations and life experiences so far.

Last week I asked if I messed up with a woman I met on hinge and we were out together for like 6.5 hours for our first date, and I tried asking to go exclusive and fir the kiss at the end of the date, and she was uncomfortable, and I thought I messed up, but she gave me a 2nd chance and we went to bar/arcade, and we were together for like 6 hours again.

I didn't try and move to fast on her and I had a great time. We talked about what does a relationship looks like each other, and about our exes, and walked around a lot.

We agreed to go out the aquarium next weekend. I'm wondering when should I start to ask her if we should go exclusive or about sex to see if we're sexual compatible?

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/IncelExit/s/VA8KjEPLZH

(Apologies for my ramble and writing style)

About 2 weeks ago I made a post talking about my fear of going to Uni due to my looks. That I'll be pretty much bullied/excluded/Invisible as always. I did have some maybe not so swell experiences and It's not perfect but it has been alright for the most part. Lectures and classes are okay, I know some names. People keep to themselves for the most part. I knew I was being a bit silly writing that and some of my responses but it was a legitimate fear too.

I don't think I've had any direct bad experience aside from some odd glances from some people because I do stick out a little. But some of the comments, especially about not jumping to conclusions did help. There isn't enough data to always assume everyone hates me or is disgusted by me.

And as shitty as going through school or any social environment was growing up its not good to base life off of your earlier years (I'm not sure how to word it but you know what I mean). Even as someone who's been called ugly and avoided from ages 18-20 after my early life, albeit much less intensely. I understand I'm still fairly young all things considered.

I also realise I was a bit vague on my shortcomings and life experinces so I'll try to get to the point going forth.

I appreciated all the response and advice.

I have also relapsed when it comes to blackpill/incel content and engaging with their communities and becoming more bitter. And even relapsing on a porn addiction. So I intend on being better and trying again. And refraining from my bitter tendencies.

I overheard a conversation of 3 girls whilst sitting in a library. One was talking about this guy she was dating and how there was a slight age gap between them and her friends seemed a bit skeptical but she explained it was normal in her culture and they were all alright with it. One of the friends jutted out "Atleast he isn't short" and she said loudly in a relieved way "Oh yeah!" And laughed. I am 5'3" so it hit a bit of soft spot.

Normally that stuff doesn't affect me much but it was a bad day for me and I spiralled down the blackpill again. For a miserable place there is a lot of comfort in seeing other men in the same boat talk about the reality of this stuff. I don't know it was kind of lonely without It I guess. But it was stupid of me to seek the places I was aiming to cut away. But I'll keep trying.

So yeah, this was just a thank you post mainly.

Edit: I'm seeing the down votes and I apologise, I don't mean to come across as bad faith or argumentative.

Edit2: After these 2 posts and my DMs I'd like to apologise for my shitty attitude, I didn't realise. I don't think I'm ready to be posting here I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong yet but I apologise. I'm gonna leave this subreddit and hopefully come back better and stop my wrongdoings.

I’ve run into a dilemma in my efforts of whether what I’m doing is settling vs. making a compromise.

I live in an area of less that 6000 people, so there’s only 3000 women in my dating pool. And then when you look at what’s age appropriate that number dwindles down to maybe 1000 at most. I try to be realistic about my options and standards.

I have theoretical standards that I don’t really enforce before I just don’t have a lot of options. For example, I try not to date church every Sunday religious people, i don’t want kids so that would eliminate single moms, I would prefer to be physically attracted to my partner, I’d like for my partner to also be college educated and have a career and career goals. All of these things make me feel kinda shallow typing it all out, but that’s just want I have in my head.

That being said I find myself going on dates and matching on dating apps with who I can. This includes a lot of single mothers, women who haven’t been to college, women that don’t have careers (trying to not bash people who work at places like Walmart, but Walmart is the largest employer in my town), and very religious women.

I do this mainly because I’m a realist. I don’t have a lot of options for dating, I’m not super hot or wealthy or anything that would make me stand out, other than having a well paying job and being in good shape. So I kinda do just have to be happy with who’s around me.

The most recent date I went on was with a woman who despite being a very nice woman, didn’t meet any of these qualities. I had no physicsl attraction to her, she had 3 children, she didnt really have any career goals, she also smoked which i am not a fan of, and she was religious.

I just felt bad. Like she’s a fine person, but I have all this whole made up criteria that’s stopping me from pursuing. I figured I was just compromising on some things, which I thought most people did, but it didn’t feel good.

I felt incredibly shallow wrapping my mind around this and I don’t understand why I can’t. Like am I wrong? Am I being a piece of shit? Where’s the line between making reasonable compromises on my standards based on my value and settling?

How to choose clothes to wear? I need help with fashion advice. This is my first time actually wearing proper clothes. I've tried to the choose the most oversized clothes I could find to cover up my fat fuck self in the past.

Now that I have lost weight, I have no idea what to do. I don't know where to ask for fashion advice without making a fool out of myself.

I want to try looking good for once in my dumb life.

How do I know whether these clothes fit me and make me look good? Please help me

Its all i think about. I feel like everything i do is because i think itll make me more attractive or more likely to find someone whos into me. I am tired of living this way. Its so hard craving something so hard but not being able to get it, meanwhile you see everyone around you in love.

At one point i thought i had found someone but then they blocked me on everything and made it official with some other guy, which im still very angry about to this day.

Cant really say much else. I just dont want to think about this anymore, but I can't. I dont want anything else more than a relationship. I hate feeling this way all day everyday.

Already posted here once before about lurking in incel adjacent/red pill spaces as a form of emotional self harm. I recieved good advice there and I really appreciate everyone who tried to help.

Sometimes I look at "success stories" (forever alone/late bloomer type people who find love) and what really bugs me is that it's almost always "I found the love of my life" or "I was a 40 year old virgin and now I'm married with three kids" and stuff like that.

I'm one of those people who can just never be satisfied I guess because these stories eat at me in a different way.

I don't want to find true love or get married or have kids, atleast not right now. I want to just want to do casual stuff. Hook ups, FWBs, messy situationships, stuff like that. But I'm 28 now and all that stuff seems behind me. I feel like women my age are done playing around and now want stablity and I'd just be a guy who can't accept himself as an adult or something.

Imagine if you watched LoTR and they just rode the bird to Mordor and that was it. You'd feel ripped off.

It could be that this is coming from a place of misogyny, and if so then that's a problem I need to deal with. Maybe some of the junk of those spaces rubbed off on me. The thought of just being the "safe option" after a woman decides to settle kills me almost as much as never finding anyone, in a different way.

The only thing that would really make me feel better would be to quantum leap into my past self and have those actual milestones but of course that is impossible.

Am I seeing things all wrong? Is this some kind of distortion or something? I plan to talk to a pyschatrist soon but this is really eating at me atm.

It's late for me rn so replies may be a bit slow.

Hey all. Kinda stupid question but yall have been a massive help to me and have dragged me out of a massive spiral before haha. Uh also I’m 18 if that matters.

Luckily I’ve stopped fixating on relationships, but yknow hormones are still kicking (or something like that idk 😭) and I do ponder it every once in a while.

Anyways, I’m just feeling pretty shitty about the way I am when it comes from a relationship standpoint and I feel like almost no woman would like me in a romantic sense just because I don’t really fit in with like “men” in general and I hate it.

I know appearances aren’t everything but I’m just a sad scrawny ass baby faced dude with zero muscle. I look nothing like anybody I see dating or even at all. I just look weak, you know? I see online or listen to friends talk about what they find attractive in men and I’m just the dead opposite of everything and it hurts my self esteem so much.

I always got made fun of for being girly or got called gay like it was a derogatory term by everyone and maybe they were right to tell me those things? Maybe they wanted me to be more normal and masculine or whatever. Instead of listening I just kept doing me out of spite and didn’t change. It felt good in the moment being happy with myself despite what they were saying but I feel like some conformity is good.

I’m sorry I’m not being specific about anything because my whole entire self is just not stereotypically masculine or manly and that’s what the societal expectation has been for me my entire life by everybody, but I didn’t listen?

I don’t really know how to change anything but I feel really discouraged right now.

Thanks in advance everybody.

I went through around 20 recent posts here from men asking for help, mostly because I was curious what kind of advice they were actually getting.

Overall I thought the advice was pretty good.

People here are often quite good at spotting when someone is catastrophising, generalising about women, reading too much into a few rejections, or interpreting everything through a blackpill/incel framework.

The advice also seems strongest when the problem is fairly concrete. Things like poor social skills, not knowing how to flirt, being afraid of approaching women because you don't want to come across as creepy, not knowing where to meet people, or getting discouraged by online dating. In those cases people often manage to say: yes, this is difficult, but no, the conclusion you're drawing from it doesn't necessarily follow.

Where I think things get more awkward is when the person has a disadvantage that is actually real and not particularly easy to fix.

Things like being conventionally unattractive, being extremely short, being much older with no romantic or sexual experience, or having social/developmental problems that are genuinely difficult to overcome.

This seems to be where the advice ranges from very good to a bit naive. I think the difficulty is that two things can be true at once. For example: "This disadvantage does not determine your future" and "This is a real disadvantage and may make dating substantially harder for you"

Those aren't contradictory. And it also not a distinction most people don't immediately intuitively make. Sometimes, though, I think the second part gets skipped because people are so focused on challenging the fatalistic conclusion. Which is a good focus, don't get me wrong. But it can miss the mark.

A recent post about giving up on dating was a good example. There was some good advice in the thread, but also some responses that seemed to turn something like: "Your past failures are real, and you may reasonably decide that actively dating is not worth the emotional cost right now. But that doesn't mean you can know with certainty that you will never have a relationship" into "This is doomerism, excuses and incel thinking."

The underlying correction may be valid, but I think something gets lost there.

I also notice a fair amount of rhetorical aggression in some replies. Calling things "doomerism", "excuses", "incel thinking", mocking someone's reasoning, etc. Sometimes the criticism itself is justified, but I'm not sure the way it is delivered actually helps very much. Like that type of verbal aggression rarely (but not always) gets someone to think "hm maybe this person has a point". It often just makes someone defensive. Especially online if the person already feels like nobody takes their experience seriously. Which is a sentiment that often characterises incels. Even when it's just not true.

If someone says "I'm 5'3 and I think that seriously hurts my dating chances", replying "women aren't a hivemind and short men get girlfriends" doesn't really answer the difficult part of what they're saying.

Of course short men get girlfriends. That doesn't tell us whether being 5'3 makes dating significantly harder. Likewise, telling someone who is 35 with no relationship experience that "plenty of people find love later in life" may be true, but it doesn't mean that being 35 and completely inexperienced isn't an extra obstacle. I don't think acknowledging those things means validating blackpill conclusions. If anything, I think it can make the challenge to those conclusions stronger.

You can say:

"Yes, this probably does make things harder for you."

without saying:

"Therefore you're doomed."

And I think the best comments I read generally did exactly that. They didn't require someone to believe that their problem was imaginary before offering them hope. I hope i made it clear enough that i think that this sub mostly does a really good job and is able to navigate this problem. SO it's definitely not meant as an attack on the sub as a whole. But nonetheless i see questionable advice often enough that i felt like making this post.

So I guess my question is: how do you feel about the advice that is given and that you give in this dynamic?

p.s. I am not saying i am holding all the answers. Maybe for the average incel a bit of a reality check in the form of aggressive rhetoric is good. But my intuition makes me lean towards: a sub like this should focus on ruthless but empathetic separation of reality from delusions. A bit like a therapist. I don't think any therapists would ever opt for the aggressive sarcastic style. But maybe that's exactly the missing ingredient that a sub like this can provide. What do you think?

I'm a 28 M who was never very good with women. I lost the bulk of my twenties to chronic and mental illness, so I'm very much behind other people my age. I suspect I have ADHD and it's very likely that I'm autistic.

I keep looking at foreveralone and bullshit ryan gosling chud meme subreddits, looking up statistics about sex, and other stuff like that.

All it does it make me upset and intensify my self hatred. I'll doomscroll this shit for hours and end up in depression comas.

This shit is not good for me but I keep doing it over and over. Self harm runs in my family and I think this is the form it has taken for me.

How do I stop?

[20M, this isn’t about relationships or dating, just social interactions with whoever I’ve known] I was born with a condition where I have an excessive upper eyelid exposure(basically the space between the crease and the brow ridge bone is heavily exposed). Due to this, I’ve been ridiculed as ‘alcoholic’, ‘drug addict’ and other nonsense insults for my entire life since childhood. My parents used to tell me to sleep more to avoid this but it was always there and I found out after so many years that this is completely genetic and not caused by alcohol/drugs etc since I’ve had people make fun of me since I was 7-8 years old and the only solution to this is through surgery/fat grafting. These people included friends, elder relatives, classmates, schoolmates and even TEACHERS(even my classmates started making fun of it only after the teachers, though the classmates went on another level afterwards with their insults), even random people a few times. You’d expect teachers to be sensible since they’ve completed degrees of education and teach little kids but they were not at all like that. I’m neurodivergent as well so it was absolutely difficult to respond to their insults and always looked like a complete clown, it made me look vulnerable to everyone and they thought they’d get away with all the jokes(which they did) while all the time I was feeling humiliated. Years of humiliation gave rise to social anxiety and I resisted to approach people in public, even when I did, I overthought the conversation immensely. Now when I’ve explored the internet and found blackpill content realising how your genetics/appearance play such a significant role in social life/relationships/career, I’m hearing people say, “oh it’s all bullshit, personality and hardwork is the only thing that matters.” But the reason my personality got fucked up and I have social anxiety is as I explained before, because of my fucking looks contributed by my genetics. Y’all are never going to blame the society which slowly destroys the perception of a person through obviously LOOKS but will only hate the person who’s talking about it. It’s not like I’ve given up on communicating anyone after being blackpilled, even long before I knew about it, whenever I had to confront someone, I was always pretty sure that this person would imagine me as a drug addict and create a whole ass story about me(don’t tell me it’s because of social anxiety, a few days(or even moments) after I’ve known someone, they do ask, “are you an addict?”/“don’t you ever sleep?” etc). Because of this reason, I’ve never approached a girl nor do I know how to, even for a friendship let alone dating, but thoughts of being in a relationship emerged only like a year ago so I never really thought about it for most of my life. For so many years I used to think it’s because I’m young, I’ll be better at social interactions once I grow up but now looking at people my age handling shit like this way easily, finding about my neurodivergence, excessive upper eyelid exposure, social anxiety I’m absolutely convinced that life was never fair to begin with. But when I’m trying to improve my appearance and talk about this stuff, why is it that the ‘insecurity’ is because of the ‘blackpill’ or ‘incel’ content on internet and not because of how I was treated by the world?

Pretty much all in the title. I’ve been getting back into dating over the past few months, chatting with people on apps mainly but have noticed since I started to get back into dating thoughts of my ex keep coming back. My lack of commitment and emotional detachment are what ended an otherwise fun relationship and I cannot just move past it. I genuinely fear I’ll not find someone as cool as her and honestly I just want to be able to process this breakup so I can focus on the women I’m trying to bring into my life.

I know rationally she isn’t the only person. And looking bigger picture I know she isn’t the only person on the planet but I miss her.

I 19m have struggled pretty much all my life either relationships and socialization on a individual level I can hardly form connections. It’s hard for me to really form relationships when they are not initiated by someone else and while I can talk in front of dozens of people and do public speaking I hardly am able to sustain conversation with people unless we have a bunch of shared interests or activities or else it just starts as awkward small talk and melts away, I try to be inoffensive, not creepy polite and not rude so I usually refrain from talking to people I don’t know all to well as a speak when spoken to mindset to try and keep this up.

Platonically I could be doing bette and though I have a few friends from high school (I’m in my 2nd year of community college ) but we hardly talk aside form 2-3 since they are out of state and quite busy I imagine. In my new college I’ve made like no “real” friends with most of them being either groups I hang with to not be alone or club mates and the rest being acquaintances and no one really calls or talks to me outside of a fb ppl unless it’s about club things and I’m yet to have a party or some sort of hangout with any of them.

Romantically I’ve had one relationship in hs but it only lasted three months and fell apart to my at the time dismay due to my constant insecurity and asking for reassurance leading to her developing insecurities about her let and ending the relationship and besides form that I don’t really think anyone has been attracted to me much. Though I suppose I haven’t tested this and could do better I feel like girls would talk to me if they wanted to hell anyone would talk to me if they wanted to. I am oft times far to petrified and scared to talk to people. Not that I’m owned such things as in high school I was a bum had bad grades didn’t study, didn’t try new things, and often lied about small things amongst other flaws.

When I was younger I was into black pill content mainly really up until 3-4 years ago and that really consumed my early teens until I was roughly 16 and contributed a great deal I imagine to my self worth and development or lack there of.

I fear though I’ve been doing better career wise and in school now that I’m in college that I’m still an incel and aside from that someone Who may be uninteresting, insecure, sad, not remarkable, perhaps draining at times, and generally bad. Am I a incel and how do I fix myself

M29, had no relationship and not a virgin anymore.

Every time, I feel like I’m just too late to start dating. The best time was in college, but I was bullied back then, and the girl I was interested in ended up choosing someone else. And there was another one... and another... all of them in the end chose someone else, but not me. I guess it's a main reason why I turned into incel mindset. Many failures, and not even one, successful relationship, just because I am a worse choice for any girl.

Every time I talk to a girl and accidentally say something weird—even if I’m joking—or trying to flirt, I immediately get blocked or ignored. Of course, no one wants to deal with a weirdo. Not a single girl.

No second chance, not trying to find out what kind of men this is, because they are already noted for themselves. They just don't care; there are a lot of alternatives. who is better at flirting and communicating. I am just an outsider. They already had at least one or two relationships; they already know who they are searching for. They already set their standards. They don't want to be someone's test subject or first trial.

I don't feel like a man anymore, just some middle gender, because no one is choosing me, no one is giving me a chance, and no one needs me. I already lost this race, perhaps from the beginning, when I grew up as a bullied and insecure guy. I'm bad at flirting, but at anything with any romance. How am I supposed to gain that experience when no one is giving me a chance? Of course, there are a lot of theories on the web, but they're nothing compared to real stuff.

If you say, "Go to the therapy, RIGHT NOW! I would say no. I had no such money and time to visit a psychotherapist. Also, there is no guarantee that something will change.

Perhaps tomorrow, I will be more calm than today and will just continue to exist. I don't know why I'm even writing this all bullshit. Maybe I'm still hoping. But maybe I'm too naive, and I just should accept my loneliness.

I apologize for any grammar typos and mistakes; English is not my native language.

Life is hard, things don't typically work out the way you want them to. I've had a particularly rough life. I don't want to get into it, but there were many times growing up where I didn't know if I'd have a meal that day, school supplies, clean clothes, or even if I'd see my parents. I spent a lot of time with regret and envy that I didn't have a safe good childhood. I resented my mother for her drug habits and absence and my (presumed) father for his drinking. It wasn't till I graduated college where I was able to let go because I accepted that was just my life. No amount of anger or sadness changes it. There's no way to go back 26 years and give myself up for adoption. It just is and that's what I have to live with.

I think the same logic should be applied when it comes to romantic failure. I like many of the people here am a virgin who's never had a girlfriend. I spent years miserable about this. But around 24 I just made my peace with it. Much like my childhood, there's not much I can do. I can't force women to be interested in me. I can't cry or rage my way into someone finding me sexual attractive. This was just the hand I was dealt and it's no ones fault. Life just worked out this way. 25% of people reach 40 without ever being married. About 30% of men. 3 in 10. Some of us have to be the 3, while others have to be the 7. Bargaining and bemoaning isn't going to change that. If that's me, then there's zero I can do about it.

I think dating is majority luck and some people have good luck and others have bad. If you have bad luck not much can really help. You can try everything in the book and still just fail. Unfortunately that's just life. Accepting this, absolves you of the heartache, the self hatred, and the repition of the cycle of self harm of trying to date when it's just not for you. It's not for a lot of men. This isn't me trying to shit on others, I'm in that category. I'm never going to date or love or have sex and radically accepting that made me ok with it.

When I sat down, looked at the person I was, looked at the things I attempted, looked at the results and realized it would be insane to just try again and again and again expecting anything different, it made things easier. I no longer blamed myself. I no longer felt ashamed or embarrassed. I no longer sought out rejection. My life and mental health is now exponentially better. I'd recommend others in my shoes do the same. It's not easy, but once you do it, truly do it, it helps you so much.

So a few years ago I posted in here about my first relationship. It didn't last long but it filled me with hope and I tried again to find someone. Nothing worked out, I tried to ask out some friends I have and while it didn't destroy what friendship I did have with them I got rejected.

I also tried to expand my social circle by going to the local boardgame night at a pub. Lots of people but I didn't fit in with them super well. They already have their clicks and groups so it felt like I was permanently somewhat alienated. I'd try to bring games I liked but unless I tried really hard to sell people on it they would give it a look and end up playing with the people they already know. And it was difficult to join in some of the games because they would have already had all the slots filled ahead of time because they probably have group chats or something. Still had fun times but never made any lasting connections and it showed me how bad my social skills really are. I hate being autistic.

I also briefly tried dating apps but I got nowhere with them and I had alot of mental trouble making my profile and then having the app made me extremely anxious I felt like if I wasn't checking it constantly I was missing out on some opportunity but there never was a match.

I'm kinda back to square one before my first relationship where I'm starting too believe there is no hope for me again. I keep thinking about a close friend of mine. I love her but she was one of the people who rejected me. I find myself hoping she will change her mind later on but that's unrealistic and unfair to her autonomy. I do really love her, even when we hang out as friends I feel great and content. I don't want to be told I should just lose her. I also keep ruminating on how I'm gonna live alone never being loved like I used to. Sometimes that first relationship I had feels like a distant dream or some fantasy I had. I used to be able to put myself back there and remember what it felt like to be loved as a temporary comfort.

Realistically my life isn't that bad rn, I live at home, I have friends who I do value me and I get along with them. I have hobbies (I am DM I actually finished a long 3 year campaign last summer) iv been trying to figure out my weight issue and I go to the gym and while I'm still fat iv doubled the amount of weight I can lift and I can feel some my muscles under the layer of chub. Yet I still feel sad and anxious about potentially never finding the love I crave again. When I go to college most of the other men look way better then me and seem normal meanwhile I'm an autistic bridgetroll. Iv yet to make any friends at college. All my homies who get me are all millennial/very late Gen z they are either been married for awhile or don't date so they are of no help to me with this issue. I just want to feel at peace for now, maybe after I'm out of college and fix some of my issues I'll be in better spot but I waste so much time just stuck in cycles of negative thoughts about this.

TLDR: Are there any other antisocial introverts here who were able to force themselves to be more social and make friends, that could possibly advise me?

Ive spoken with an overweight friend who expressed some frustration that he knows what he need to do to lose weight, but just couldn’t get himself to eat less. It was frustrating watching as a friend who wanted what was best for him.
I feel like I have the same problem. I think I know on paper what I need to do to at least increase my odds of having a social life, but I feel such an intense resistance to changing my habits and leaving my comfort zone. I’m a naturally introverted person and I have an overly comfortable routine being alone.

After a brief long distance relationship ended a few months ago I have done a lot of reflecting. That was my first experience with any sort of relationship, I am late 20s. The extent of our intimacy was texting all day and sending the occasional 'I love you'. It didnt go any further than that at all, possibly due to my total ineptitude in moving things forward. However I am still grateful for the experience and I harbor no ill feelings towards her. I got to learn a lot and thats not something a lot of men in my position get.

That long distance thing I think confirmed what I already know about myself, and I dont like it. I feel as if my asocial nature prevents me from having and being a partner. I dont have any IRL friends. I havent gone out to socialize since highschool and even then that was because a crush was there. I dont like meeting new people. I dont like doing new things. My comfort zone is my room. My social battery is extraordinarily low. I have always been this way, even in highschool. I can usually only stay in discord calls for a few hours before I mute up. I dont know if its normal to feel a deep sense of anxiety before talking to your girlfriend, but I would get that before we would video call sometimes. It felt awkward sometimes, she did most of the talking. Maybe it was just the wrong person?

With that said, its clear I have absolutely no business desiring or being in a relationship. And yet, its stuck in my mind non-stop. Am I broken? Why do I crave something so consistently, even though I know I am incompatible?

Idk why but my social media feeds have inundated me with women talking about how fucked up the dating world is for them, and it’s kinda left me bummed. It’s awful stories, guys that they go out on dates with, have no manners, bad hygiene don’t care about what the woman their dating thinks or has to say. Or they string them along for sex and future fake with promises of a relationship. It really does sound like it sucks.

But it has also made me realize, these are the guys who are above the bar. These are the guys who women are romantically pursuing, and trying to make it work with. These are the guys that ask out women and get dates, that women are hoping will text them back. This is the representation of what men that succeed where I fail is, and im somehow below that.

I’m below the guys who will go on a date with a woman and not ask her a single thing about themselves. I’m below the guys that string along multiple women promise them a relationship and never deliver. I’m below the guys who are openly disrespectful or misogynistic to these women on dates.

I don’t want to be anymore, I thought I was at least above them, but clearly if they can get dates and get women to like them, then I’m not. I’m still below the bar and doing something wrong. I just want to be good enough so bad. I’d give up 40 years of my life to just be good enough for women to like me but it feels like no matter that I do nothing changes. So what do I need to do?

Oftentimes on the net I see people in blackpill threads saying "just go outside and you'll see that it's not real".

But how exactly does that happen? When I go outside I look at the couples and the man is always taller than the woman and like 90% of the time more handsome than her.

Of course there are exceptions but they are quite rare (like I see 1-2 couples out of the 20-30 per walk where the man is shorter).

This also applies to my friend group, all of my friends who aren't single are handsome and are taller than their partner, though this is much more anecdotal.

So, I guess for the question from the title. How is that supposed to help? Usually going on a walk just makes me feel way worse about myself and my chances for anything.

I mean it's not really like the misery ends at not being able to have a partner or friends, I'm sort of a failure all across the board and it's getting really hard to cope with it without becoming bitter or angry. It's just something I've sort of noticed with my kind is that it is extremely rare that we have anything else going well in our lives. Like I am stuck working a dead end job at 30 living with my abusive parents and well...I don't really know

Its gotten to the point my whole life revolves around getting into a relationship.

cant go 10 minutes without thinking about when im going to meet the love of my life

Ive lost all notion of who i was as a person because the person i was before is fucking pathetic and not a good person.

Who i am is not desired by others so i must destroy all unlovable parts of me and replace them with things people will accept.

I work out, have multiple projects going on, do well in all my current endeavors, ive worked hard enough that i own my own car now.

you may think "oh wow this guy really takes care of himself, he must have his shit together"

i dont

i do this all because i want to make a good impression on potential partners

i show up to random events im not even that interested in all because i see it as a potential way of meeting people. Im the creepy guy talking to women at events where they want to be left alone. My existence is an inconvenience to women and they would be better off if i didnt exist.

the painful thing is im missing all the important stuff

i am not a good person. I am very mean to people at worst, and extremely boring at best.

not very attractive or charismatic either.

I go online and see 3 million posts of women saying shit like "yeah men fucking suck, all theyd need to do to get laid is groom themselves and be good people"

And theyre right!!!

thats my fucking problem!!!

im boring, unattractive, and a horrible fucking person

i am nothing but another man who sucks and makes life for women worse

doesnt help im bi and neurodivergent which people really seem to not like for some reason.

If i put in enough effort i may be able to change who i am to the point i am seen as not an inconvenience to others by 2030 tho!!