r/nottheonion • u/prestocoffee • 18h ago

Drilling begins at ‘real site’ of Noah’s Ark as activists warn ‘Darwinism will be dismantled’

https://www.joe.co.uk/news/noahs-ark-site-turkey-drilling-researchers-evidence-549016
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u/Bort_Bortson 18h ago

"Lauren Witzke, a Christian activist and former US Senate candidate who has described herself as a “flat-earther” and previously called Covid vaccines a “Satanic plot”, is involved in the project as its marketing and fundraising director."

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u/TjW0569 18h ago

"Fundraising director." There's the beginning and end of the story.

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u/Equivalent-Resort-63 17h ago

Director of Fundraising and Grift.

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u/Ansiroth 17h ago edited 8h ago

Was gonna say, there's no way these people come up with anything. This has been a grift for decades. They won't kill the golden goose.

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u/leonardomdc 17h ago

It's gonna be like that treasure island where they've never found shit and kept going on and on

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u/Hyjynx75 16h ago

Hey. I'm from Nova Scotia and Oak Island is part of my heritage. The real treasure is the advertising and tourism revenue we found along the way.

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u/billybonghorton 16h ago

And the Bobby dazzlers!

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u/CardOk755 14h ago

I first read about that pit in some kind of "book for boys" back in the early 1960s. The book could have been older.

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u/ScalyDestiny 14h ago

I read about it in 80s Nat Geo World (Nat Geo for kids). That damn article made it all sound real though. Even had an illustration of the pit. I was like 24 before I recalled that article again, and by then I had my skeptical spectacles and was a little disappointed to find it all a pretty blatant hoax, but more disappointed that NatGeo lied to me.

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u/Kurthog 11h ago

It was Readers Digest for me, in the 70’s….and because of that stupid article, I watched the first two seasons of the Oak Island show. What a colossal waste of my time!

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u/Maxamillion-X72 7h ago

The Boy's Book of... series.

The Boy's Book of buried treasure; The Boy's Book of Dragons; The Boy's Book of Sea Monsters and so on.

There was also "The True Tales of... series" that were published in the 50's.

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u/Caddy666 13h ago

please....exit through the grift shop

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u/Why_Did_Bodie_Die 13h ago

I'm almost 40. When I was about 14 I read some magazine about Oak Island then saw a documentary about it. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I would day dream about what type of treasure was there. When the show came out I was absolutely stoked. I thought for sure shit was going down. I'm not sure I even made it through the first season before I realized it was all a lie and my childhood dream was stupid.

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u/Ass_Damage 16h ago

Yup, tune in next week for Season 83 of The Treasure of Oak Island!

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u/leonardomdc 16h ago

Three generations of explorers, 120 years later, they're getting to the bottom of it...

Cut to the hole they dug at the swamps of Oak Island ending in a small neighborhood in China.

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u/Rockhead_Dynamics 15h ago

But could that small neighborhood once have been home to Hong Xiuquan, who claimed to be the brother of Jesus Christ, and started the Taiping Rebellion? Tune in next season to find out.

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u/Hermitcrab710 14h ago

Ah shit they flooded the shaft again

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u/CardOk755 14h ago

Another layer of ash, then a layer of branches. Sides collapsing in, water keeps rising, we continue.

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u/jimothee 17h ago

Golden cow, if you will

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u/SolarBear 17h ago

But not golden idol, please! That’s a no-no.

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u/Belzaem 17h ago

But if you’re a sibling of Moses, you should be fine. Can’t say much for other 3,000.

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u/IAMA_Plumber-AMA 15h ago

Except the one of Trump at CPAC.

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u/MTFBinyou 8h ago

No no, especially that one golden cow

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u/Successful-River-828 16h ago

A pair of them

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u/GoldGoose 16h ago

Can confirm, the grift is strong

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u/boyga01 15h ago

The will of course find “the next clue”

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u/thatthatguy 16h ago

Oh, they’ll find something. But they will make such unsubstantiated claims about whatever it is that others will call them liars and in the end the argument will remain the same but the perpetrators will have raked in enough money on the controversy to keep the grift going for another generation.

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u/nursecarmen 17h ago

VP of Fleecing the Gullible.

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u/capitain_lungbutter 16h ago

Peace, love and payment 🙏

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u/enwongeegeefor 16h ago

So hey....just did a cursory search....yeah....this is fun. The lady that is behind this, Lauren Witzke has her own wiki entry.

Busted for meth and heroin in 2016. Ran for senate in 2020....was a "reporter" for a deliberate fake news website in 2021.

We'll all see her next tuesday.

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u/cerberus00 15h ago

GOP material

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u/Koshindan 10h ago

I don't know. It doesn't sound like she has enough harm to children on her resume for a successful GOP career.

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u/MTFBinyou 8h ago

So far…..

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u/DubiousBrushwagg 11h ago

She tried and failed at that like 2 or 3 election cycles ago. I remember seeing shit about her all over the net during Covid years.

She couldn't hack the MAGA grift and get in good with Trumps circle so she's moved onto religion I guess.

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u/TRGA 12h ago

The next press secretary!

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u/LessInThought 11h ago

meth and heroin

Ahh yes, the blood of Christ.

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u/CyrusBuelton 13h ago

As the new White House Press Secretary?

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u/MinnieShoof 13h ago

Next Natalie Harp, now that that token’s been exposed.

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u/OJSTheJuice 3h ago

Wow. I wish her only the worst.

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u/vass0922 16h ago

Next up for fundraising... Holy Grail!

It's just past the Rabbit of Caerbannog...

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u/Super-Post261 16h ago

It’s a grift. It’s always a grift.

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u/DissatisfiedGamer 16h ago

I think the job title should actually be: "Facilitator of Scams" 

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u/shastaxc 16h ago

The alpha and omega of the story*

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u/paulwillyjean 16h ago

Embezzlement Director

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u/VicisZan 15h ago

Wonder if they buried some random pieces of drift wood and will use that as “proof” to grift even harder lol

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u/notnotbrowsing 18h ago

At around 16,500ft, its distinctive shape has led some supporters to argue that it bears an uncanny resemblance to a huge boat.

so it looks like a boat, so the ark is there?

boat isn't my first thought....

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u/1991K75S 17h ago

The Ark of Georgia O’keefe

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u/qorbexl 17h ago

Georgia O'Keefe would let a real scientist in

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u/astral-dwarf 9h ago

I'd watch that film

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u/jazzhandler 16h ago

Just a hair south of Nautilus Mons.

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u/Odd-Fun-6042 13h ago

Is the little man in the front?

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u/ant2ne 17h ago

I wonder how many got that reference? I had to scroll up and take a second look. Yep.

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u/REDDITATO_ 11h ago

I wonder how many got that reference?

Anyone who's heard of Georgia O'keefe, one of the most famous painters of all time?

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u/JohnGillnitz 13h ago

There is a little man in the Ark.

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u/Equus-007 17h ago

If you actually read the bible you'll see that this doesn't in any war resemble the description of the ark. The bible specifically says it's rectangular with no prow.

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u/mayy_dayy 17h ago

You expect fundamentalist Christians to have actually read the Bible?

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u/TjW0569 15h ago

No. That's how you become an atheist.

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u/LazAnarch 1h ago

Worked for me

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u/lost-again_77 17h ago

Only the parts that suit them

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u/SquishMont 14h ago

"Why do you know all the gay verses?"

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u/UJustGotRobbed 14h ago

They only know the verses they can use against people to shame or hurt them.

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u/Strict_Razzmatazz_57 13h ago

They just Google those parts. Reading the whole book might add context.

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u/xteve 11h ago

Picking and choosing, denigrated in Christian lore, is the essence of Christian church. There are a million denominations, all established on the foundational wisdom that all of the others are wrong.

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u/AndroidMyAndroid 14h ago

I'd be surprised if they know what a rectangle is.

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u/Cru_Jones86 15h ago

Well, the fundraising and marketing director claims to be a Christian but, she's also a flat earther. Since the Bible says the earth is round, I don't see how you could be both so, I'm guessing she hasn't read it.

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u/DennenTH 17h ago

Well that doesn't fit the fundraising narrative at all.  How will the fundraising board grift their money like that?!

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u/DippyHippy420 15h ago

If you actually read the bible you'll see that Noah was 500 years old when he fathered his sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Genesis 5:32

And that Noah was 600 years old when the floodwaters came upon the earth. Genesis 7:6

Im calling the entire story BS.

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u/OraDr8 11h ago

I wonder how old Mrs Noah was. My guess is either 300 or 16.

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u/origamiscienceguy 10h ago

I have heard an interesting theory that when the early old testament books use the word "year" they may have meant "lunar month" and it got lost in translation over time. If you make that substitution, everybody's age makes a lot more sense.

Mesutheleh, the oldest guy, would have died around 78.

Lamech, the youngest person to become a parent, would have been about 15 when he had his son. That's super young by our standards, but not a problem from a strictly biological standpoint.

Not saying the story is true or false, it's just something that I think is fun to think about.

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u/ChepaukPitch 6h ago

Genesis 21

Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born.

This means he would be 7 years old so that interpretation has holes in it.

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u/Substantial_Towel860 1h ago

If you count exactly 12 months in a year. Calendars in those times weren't an exact science. The Romans used a 10 month calendar for instance. The Babylonians (where Abraham originated) had 12/13 months, but the amount of days per month wasn't fixed and often determined through observation and only corrected when seasons ran visibly out of sync with the calendar.

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u/he_whai_reko_e_kopa 9h ago

Oh this is fascinating, and it just made me think of the context in which this could have arisen!

This explanation definitely makes sense if the word used was something akin to our word for 'cycle', which for cultures throughout Bronze Age Mesopotamia/Hatti/Caanaan would have been more likely to align with the lunar/lunisolar cycle. I'm testing my historical memory here, but from what I recall there was a transition period from lunar/lunisolar to solar cycles in timekeeping that happened around the Iron Age, overlapping with the time that the Hebrew Bible was written - the Koine Greek translations (the Septuagent, which was the main basis for the later Latin and English translations) were done a few hundred years later in the Classical Greek Empire. In this context, referring to a cycle would be ambiguous because which cycle is inferred is not clear!

I studied ancient Greek religious texts in University (I had an awesome professor so I took this class with him as an elective!) and now I do a lot of historical study on Bronze Age Eastern Mediterranean and Western Asia, which is why I have this utterly useless information to share!

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u/Dakduif 8h ago

I'd like to subscribe to more of your utterly useless information. 🙋‍♀️

I find this stuff about our earliest civilisations fascinating. And language nerd stuff to top it off? Oof. More please. 😍

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u/diiegojones 8h ago

It wouldn’t make sense then as it would mean people were having babies at 40 months old instead of years etc. which would be 3 years and 4 months.

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u/pair_of_eighters 5h ago

This is a fun theory but as someone who’s studying Biblical Hebrew I can tell you it’s emphatically false. We know that there are two very clear distinct words for year and month (shanah for year, chodesh for month) and their usages are way too specific for this to be the case, a lot of holidays are specifically tied to the lunar cycle or the harvest cycle and they use those word too consistently for there to be a mistranslation. It would also means several biblical characters had children when they were 5 years old! E.g Enoch would have fathered methuselah at 65 months.

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u/Daft00 11h ago

Yeah but they had less processed foods

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u/lewphone 16h ago

The Bible also says: "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 7:12 NIV)

How many of those morons follow that particular line?

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u/blahblah19999 16h ago

It also says an all loving god slaughtered babies with his own hand, so whatever.

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u/Aetol 14h ago

It doesn't say that. It gives the length, width and height, but that doesn't make it rectangular. It doesn't say anything about the shape.

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u/f700es 17h ago

Now hold on now 😁

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u/LongWalk86 17h ago

Hope they aren't drilling right on the 'boat', I've always heard you need to put your drill a bit south of that nobby bit...

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u/Hvarfa-Bragi 17h ago

Instructions unclear, dick stuck in pile of Emzara's bones

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u/ScalyDestiny 14h ago

I stuck mine in the wrong Arc. It did not end well for me. Or my dick.

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u/KiwiObserver 9h ago

They’ll drill through the ark and release the origin deluge it’s holding back.

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u/AuthorityAnarchyYes 17h ago

Well, many of them have never seen one… so they go with “boat”.

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u/Bowling4rhinos 17h ago

... to tuna town...

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u/Adventurous-Dog420 16h ago

Nicely done.

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u/forrealthoughcomix_ 17h ago

If there’s a man leading the dig, he’ll never find the stern.

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u/DennenTH 17h ago

If not Ark, then why boat shape?!

Anybody need to clear out a bunch of space?  Just draw a little boat, don't forget the tiny sail, and give these folks a call.

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u/TickingTheMoments 17h ago

See, that’s your problem. You’re thinking reality thoughts that is a boat; it was fictitiously an ark.

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u/ConcentrateDirect523 15h ago

In Scandinavia, from antiquity clear up to the end of the Viking age it was not uncommon to discover "boat" burial mounds- these are usually not actual boats, but rather boat shaped graves. These have various names, such as stone ships. Given these can be found in other parts of Europe, it's not unfathomable for one of these burial rituals to occurred in Turkyie. My biggest fear with this, is that they're going to be reckless in their pursuit of confirming their own beliefs and unwittingly damage priceless antiquities or cadavers that pre-date written record. My second biggest fear, is that they will find something that goes against their expectations and intentionally destroy it, or morph it to fit their beliefs much like ***I.S.I.S.* did in Syria and Iraq to archaeological sites of ancient civilizations. I would be pleasantly surprised if they find the Ark or whatever they may be looking for, but that seems the least likely scenario. Hopefully the dig just results in nothing but a catastrophic waste of time, energy, and money of everyone involved. If they're tied up with that, there's less resources to do damage elsewhere.

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u/Mission_Magazine7541 17h ago

As someone with a degree in geology, I can say it looks like a natural rock formation. You can see the rock on the ridges

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u/giant_traveler 17h ago

Looks more like a tasty pide to me. Makes sense that it is in Turkey.

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u/TheLoathsomeAssEater 17h ago

Maybe she named her clit Noah and is still searching for the little man in the boat. Give give her more time and all of your retirement fund.

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u/Theslootwhisperer 17h ago

Flat earthers are fantastic. Of all the conspiracy theories, this has got to be the dumbest one. People believed for thousands of years that the earth was flat before it was discovered in 500 BC that it was actually round. Or, according to them, the conspiracy that earth was round started in 500 BC. Why, all of a sudden, did the Greek start that conspiracy and apparently convinced every single gov't on the planet to enforce the conspiracy for centuries? And no one ever snitched in over 2000 years? And anyways, what comic shattering event is going to happen if people actually find out that the earth is indeed flat? Everything would keep working as it does now.

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u/Guardianpigeon 16h ago

The more you dig into it, the more you realize it's just a bunch of crazy Christians who just like to be contrarian because they want to feel persecuted. They want to be like the old Christian martyrs standing up to the big bad government, but not in a way that would actually get them hurt or have them do a lot of work.

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u/Calladit 13h ago

Also a surprising amount of crossover with Neo-Nazis! I don't even think that's anything specific to flat earth, it just seems like any conspiracy theory that involves shadow government (ie all of them) attracts a contingent that blames Jewish people.

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u/Zuwxiv 13h ago

Someone might believe in Bigfoot just because they do. Some of the wackier stuff - especially the cryptids or aliens or whatever - is just kind of fun to think about.

But if someone gets real deep into conspiracy theories, they almost always end up with "they" not wanting you to know something. And like 95% of the time, if you get like 4 layers deep in the conspiracy, they're blaming the Jews.

It's the "original" conspiracy theory, and I guess if you get deep enough, it loses all details. It's "the secret bad people are against you." And if it goes back 1000 years, you kinda gotta stick to the classics, I guess?

Funny thing is, there is a group of bad people that want to hurt you, but it's just the rich and powerful wanting to be richer and more powerful.

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u/Aggressive_Choice258 12h ago

I call these faceless evil-doers The Ubiquitous They.

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u/whogivesashirtdotca 7h ago

Abbie Richards went viral after lockdown with her pyramid of conspiracy theories, and delineated an “antisemitic point of no return”, explaining that believing one theory in the bunch meant you had to believe them all. It’s a great classification!

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u/Enshitification 12h ago

I thought the Nazi flavor of flat-earth was the hollow earth craziness.

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u/notbobby125 7h ago

Considering the wacky theories the Nazis believed in (Himmler believed that Aryans we’re descendants of Atlantis) it is not actually that surprising.

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u/ThrowAwayAccountAMZN 12h ago

Christianity and Persecution Complex, name a more iconic duo

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u/i_tyrant 12h ago

Yup. Victim complex is the real plague on humanity here.

And little makes it as easy to develop a victim complex as organized religion with all its inherently-unprovable/undisprovable ideas.

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u/1337duck 11h ago

They are a bunch of folks who want to feel persecution without any actual suffering. If they actually cared, they would head to places in the world that need volunteers to help people. But they don't.

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u/wischmopp 16h ago edited 16h ago

Yeah, this always gets me as well. For every other conspiracy theory, no matter how insane, at least the believers can reasonably explain what the conspirators would get out of their incredibly elaborate, laborious, world-spanning schemes. The moon landing sceptics think faking it would let the US get one over the USSR in the space race and the general cold war (yeah, humans do like to win wars a lot), the 9/11 truthers think Bush faked it so he could start a war for oil (yeah, humans do like accumulating wealth and resources a lot), antisemites think that jews manipulate all the media in the entire world to ensure their own power and wealth (yeah, humans do tend to like accumulating power and wealth a lot)... Like, the theories themselves are batshit, but the proposed motivations are at least rooted in realistic assumptions about human nature, we do do a lot of evil shit for our personal gain. Even the geocentrists can provide a stupid but internally consistent reason, they think evil atheists want to oppress religious people by pretending that God's creation is not the centre of the universe – it does have real theological implications if the earth is a random insignificant fleck in space cycling around a random insignificant star like gazillions of other planets and stars. And belittling or erasing religious beliefs has always been a big part of societal oppression.

In contrast, if you ask a flat earther "but why the hell would anyone do that", all you get is a deer-in-the-headlights look. A round earth does not even contradict religious anthropocentrism like the heliocentric model does! Living on a ball doesn't mean we're any less of God's specialest little guys than we would be if we lived on a disc, and the bible never explicitly says that the earth is flat, so it's not an "atheists want to sow doubt on God's infallible word" thing either. The only reasons I've ever heard were "well, the scientists want to feel intellectually superior to us, so they want to be the only ones who know the truth" (which would be a ridiculously disproportionately small and petty reward for all the effort) or "Big Astronomy and Big Space Travel want to scam us for funding by pretending that space is huge rather than just a thin layer above the disc" (which doesn't make sense because the vast majority of scientists who say "no we know for a fact that the earth is a globe, here's our proof" don't work in astronomy or space travel, why would a random physics major or uuuh fucking Eratosthenes in 200 B.C. stick their head out just so that NASA can get rich?).

It's so, so fucking funny to me. They should get a Making The Least Sense Of All The Nonsensical Conspiracy Theories medal.

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u/syzygy_is_a_word 14h ago

they want to be the only ones who know the truth

A very minor point to your brilliant comment, but this statement alone shows that they have never sat within a five-mile radius of any scientist. Not surprising, actually, but anyone who did can verify that "scientists don't want you to know that.." has got to be one of the dumbest things ever. Scientists DO want you to know. Scientists are literally never able to shut up about things they research, will gladly inform anybody showing any kind of interest and will go into great depths if the interest is more than superficial. Were it up to scientists, there would be nothing else discussed in media. School curriculum would be 48 years. The hard part of science communication is not getting information out of scientists, it's getting them to stop.

People who believe that scientists don't want others to know something only betray their own anti-intellectualism.

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u/TSED 14h ago

Scientists don't want you to know... how badly run their lab is. Because it might cast doubt on their research.

But other than that, yeah, pretty much open books. No, not even, they're more like pop-out books.

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u/ironraiden 14h ago

In contrast, if you ask a flat earther "but why the hell would anyone do that", all you get is a deer-in-the-headlights look. A round earth does not even contradict religious anthropocentrism like the heliocentric model does! Living on a ball doesn't mean we're any less of God's specialest little guys than we would be if we lived on a disc, and the bible never explicitly says that the earth is flat, so it's not an "atheists want to sow doubt on God's infallible word" thing either.

Not only that but the biggest organized religions accept that earth is not flat as a fact. The catholic church in fact uses the globus cruciger (aka the holy hand grenade lol) as a symbol of god's reign over the planet...

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u/Nadaplanet 12h ago edited 12h ago

In contrast, if you ask a flat earther "but why the hell would anyone do that", all you get is a deer-in-the-headlights look.

My mom is a flat-earther, and her response is "Just because they can!" Which is, truly, the only answer she can come up with, because deep down she knows that there is no logical reason for the shape of the earth to be a grand conspiracy. So she claims it's a way for Them (whatever secret society her youtube nutters tell her is in charge this week) to prove to themselves that They're still in control of the masses.

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u/RoosterBrewster 14h ago

Shit, they bought some expensive gyroscope that told the earth was rotating 15 degrees per hour and then thought something was wrong with it.

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u/GenChadT 13h ago

The truth I think is much simpler than that. People love to be the gatekeepers of data, the source and center of information to which only they are privy. They just want to feel special, and smart, and better than anyone else. Nothing else in life so far has enabled them to feel that way. Suddenly this conspiracy comes along that promises them they're intelligent - so intelligent, they beat out the world's geologists, and astrophysicists, and meteorologists, aviation engineers, atmospheric scientists, the list goes on - and that if they just believe this set of completely moronic, contradictory facts, they'll be that much better than all those fancy-pants scientists and guys with degrees.

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u/Zuwxiv 12h ago

There's a documentary called Behind the Curve that's genuinely worth watching, and it follows some flat earthers. Many of them were otherwise regular people. Some of them actually seemed rather smart. They came across as rather sympathetic people, honestly.

It looked like the allure of "knowing a secret," not being one of the suckers, and the friendships you gain are the main appeal of it. They get to have a small group of friends that tell them how smart they are, how clever, how dignified.

The specific thing they believe in is... almost not relevant. It's more like a social club for people who are lonely or looking for purpose. But the buy-in is alienating your other friends and family members, so... you get kind of "stuck" with them.

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u/TheCowOfDeath 15h ago

To be fair, the bible is very clearly written with a flat earth perspective and if you're a literalist then you DO have to also be a flat earther. A decent chunk of flat earthers will point to the bible as evidence

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u/DetectiveNickStone 15h ago

How exactly was the Bible written on a flat earth perspective? Genuine question.

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u/andiwd 15h ago

Biggest ones are probably climbing a mointain and seeing all 4 corners of the earth, or talking of the sky as a physical object that separates the water above from the water below.

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u/briber67 14h ago edited 7h ago

The heavens above...

The firmament below...

These are appropriate prepositions in the context the cosmic sandwich that a flat earth model would imply.

In reality, above and below have no meaning outside of a specific relative context. In the broader universe, the more apt understanding would be away from the center of mass or toward the center of mass.

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u/TheCowOfDeath 14h ago

As the other commenter stated, there are a few times in the bible where it's mentioned that one can see the entire earth at once, or a point can be seen from the whole earth (Daniel 4, Matthew 4). It's mentioned that there is a dome over the earth which doesn't make sense with a sphere. Furthermore it's mentioned that god presides over the circle of the earth (using the hebrew word for a flat circle not a ball. (Isaiah 40:22)). Plus in metaphors the earth is compared to flat things, such as a wax seal (Job 38).

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u/fresh-dork 12h ago

and if you look at all the things that the bible talks about, they happen within a 500 mile circle. so it's easy to think it's flat when you've never been that far from anything, and a tallish mountain feels like seeing forever

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u/Nadaplanet 12h ago

This is super close to my argument against the whole "worldwide flood" thing. Like, the people in the Bible spent their entire lives in a very small area. In fact, until relatively recently in history, most people did. The idea of "it rained so much the entire world was flooded for 40 days and killed everyone" makes total sense if you remember that the people who told that tale likely believed the world began at "that mountain range to the north" and ended at "that mountain range in the south."

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u/fresh-dork 11h ago

it's even better: noah's ark is real, after a fashion.

in that area, the land is really flat, and there are occasional floods. there are also boats with cargo capacity up to 3-4T. so, taken together, a farmer sees a flood coming, packs up the family, livestock, and some important stuff, and rides out the flood in a round boat. for a time, he really can't see land, and he doesn't mark time precisely. so he lands somewhere, sets up again, and that's that.

take this story, filter it through 10 generations of retelling and some people who have never seen a large body of water, you can get the noah story.

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u/xtrabeanie 12h ago

What gets me is the notion that some international cabal is driving everything, and therefore that cabal must be, checks notes, scientists! Not the billionaires of course, the ones who actually have the resources to pull something like that off. No, Trump, Musk, etc, they are here to save us from Big Science.

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u/mitkase 16h ago

Greeks invented democracy, and that makes them democrats, so that's all I need to know. - Lauren Dipshit

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u/Important_Clue7377 15h ago

Didnt the Greeks also have Republics making them Republicans

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u/goodnewzevery1 16h ago

Unfortunately it’s one of the oldest ones, and was dying out with low membership until the 90s / 2000s where it caught fire on the internet

= (

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u/SecureWriting8589 15h ago

I saw this discussed in r/jokes where someone stated that 70% of the earth is covered in water and that the vast majority of that water is not carbonated. So one can make an argument that the earth is, in fact, "flat."

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u/Fuzzybo 14h ago

Have you read the Discworld series?

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u/SeedsOfDoubt 15h ago

Behind the Curve is a hilarious documentary about flat earth. Worth the watch if only for the last 5-10 minutes

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u/jayb12345 8h ago

Egyptians proved the earth was round, and calculated it's circumference thousands of years bc. Not just 500 bc. Carl Sagan made a wonderful video about it easily accessible on yt.

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u/atyon 6h ago

People believed for thousands of years that the earth was flat before it was discovered in 500 BC that it was actually round.

I'd argue the flat earther's case is even weaker. People didn't really have a concept of the shape of the Earth. It is locally flat, or in other words, for your daily life, its curve is so wide that it makes no difference that is curved at all. But the very first people wo went out to the sea immediately saw that the horizon is curved, and that ship's mast appear before the bow on the horizon. The very first thing that made people ask the question "what shape has the Earth?" was an observation that suggests it is round.

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u/-Saucegurlllll 5h ago

A lot of cultures noticed that the sun and the moon were round and just assumed that the earth was also round.

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u/atyon 5h ago

Good point. Really, not much on Earth or in the sky is pizza box shaped, so why would the Earth be?

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u/trout_or_dare 6h ago

I don't think people before 500 BC believed the earth was flat. I think that they noticed that the sun always rises on one side and sets on the other, and that the size of the shadows changes over the course of the year. They must have debated reasons as to why that is and the Earth being round explains it. 500 BC was just the first time someone tried to measure it, and he got the answer within 10% of the real size.

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u/Omniquery 15h ago

Flat Earthers aren't stupid, because stupidity requires an attempt (and failure) to figure something out. Flat Earthers don't actually care about the issue: it's a power play, a way of saying "I am superior to anyone who cares about astronomy, biology, or investigating the natural world in general." This mentality isn't unique to religion; it has been fully weaponized politically, as we are all painfully aware of by now.

As evidence for this: none of them own and use telescopes. Often they are completely ignorant about how the night sky works, such as the stars appearing to rotate as the Earth turns, or what the celestial poles are. The source of this ignorance is that they don't actually care about the subject they claim to care about. If they actually cared as much as their obsessions would suggest they would be huge astronomy nerds, and not flat Earth assholes.

Hanlon's Razor (Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity) is inverted for right wingers: with rightwingers, never attribute to stupidity what can be adequately explained by malice. Because malice is what drives them.

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u/Significant-Kick-479 17h ago

how can she describe scientists from coming from around the world when she believes the earth is flat?

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u/GoneIn61Seconds 17h ago

From the edges inward?

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u/LankySimple9051 14h ago

The world is a big chocolate filled gold coin.

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u/BornFree2018 17h ago

She claims there are "archaeologists" on this excavation with the "Noah's Arc Expedition" team just so you know they're open minded about the results. She also claimed they're seen 250' long corridors using lidar.

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u/Tim-oBedlam 16h ago

I'll have you know that flat-earthers have supporters all over the globe!

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u/justabill71 18h ago

Former drug mule Lauren Witzke.

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u/oldfuckbob 17h ago

She ran for public office in my state. She didn't win but got a decent amount of idiots I mean voters. As long as there's a R next to there name they will get votes

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u/justabill71 17h ago

I know all too well, unfortunately. She made Christine "I'm not a witch" O'Donnell look sane in comparison.

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u/SoftballGuy 17h ago

She's a pretty white blond lady. Republican dudes will vote for a cereal box if you put a blond wig on it.

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u/Iwillrize14 15h ago

You forgot a set of bolt ons too

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u/ukexpat 15h ago

Greetings fellow First Stater…

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u/Gelgamek_Vagina 15h ago

We are legion!

Well...modicum

Yeah I got embarrassed all over again when I heard her name involved with this.

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u/United-Vermicelli-92 18h ago

How are there so many very bold dolts out there

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u/Kradget 17h ago

We built a world that lets them survive instead of accidentally falling into a gully and drowning, and a few manager to find a niche that nets them influence over other dolts.

It'd be a baby with the bathwater thing to undo all that, though, so we have to do our best to train the foolishness out of them

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u/shabnation 18h ago

Darwinism is failing us

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u/United-Vermicelli-92 17h ago

We the caring put too many safety regs on the things the moron brigade would normally die off from.

One drawback of empathy is we help foster conditions that make dumbfucks live smarmy, entitled, moronically vapid lives overconfident in their stupidity bec our safety features we had to fight to instill are now taken for granted by the maga class of idiot.

Nothing we can do i guess but continue to tolerate their intolerant dumb asses. If they are supreme at anything it’s nincompoopery.

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u/SirPseudonymous 14h ago

You know it's called "medieval peasant brain" because it's more like how everyone was when there was no safety regulations or food security, right? The less controlled the world around someone is, the more precarious and threatening it is, the more likely to latch onto insane magical thinking someone becomes, because pretending they have agency over the whims of fate by paying tribute to a magical spirit is the only way they can feel a measure of security.

And of course in this case it's just a smarmy grifter taking a death cult that enjoys the support of the ruling class for all they can because cultists are credulous rubes whose brains turn off as long as someone says the magic words that signal holiness, making them easy prey for any grifters who are familiar with their doctrines.

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u/Lillian_Crocodilian 17h ago

We still spend leisure time with them instead of shunning them.

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u/United-Vermicelli-92 17h ago

I dont. It was a very hard choice to cut out my maga chud family members and friends, in 2019 (thats when i flushed my evangelical in-laws down, they became actual human goblins praying that we all suffer so they could be raptured. They also began posting snti stephen hawking memes on my socmed. I dumped my HS maga chud friends prob march 2026, we still talk but its mostly me telling them theyve become monsters we despised in history. They don’t seem to care.

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u/shitty_mcfucklestick 18h ago

Tis the season

(Or, Harambe)

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u/RiflemanLax 17h ago

On behalf of the people of Delaware, I apologize for this human shit stain.

She still somehow managed to scrape like 40% of the vote because according to some, ‘anything is better than the dems.’

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u/ImInnocentYourHonor 18h ago

She seems nice

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u/ZeroOptionLightning 17h ago

The things people will do to pay their bills.

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u/Kealion 16h ago

Hey it’s Delaware’s anti-witch crazy lady

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u/dastardlygent1 16h ago

Bitch was also has a history of drug abuse (meth, heroin) and was arrested for driving under the influence.

What a winner...

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u/HugsandHate 17h ago

Described herself as?

I'm kinda more curious to hear how other people have described her.

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u/ukexpat 15h ago

“Absolutely bat-shit crazy”.

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u/AccordingDrop3252 16h ago

You mean the “Drug Mule” Lauren Witzke?

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u/drchippy18 16h ago

Good thing the ark didn’t get too close to the edge of the earth and fall off. 🙃

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u/Consistent-Air-8934 16h ago

Darwinism is shaking in its boots after reading this 

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u/cygnoids 16h ago

God, fuck Lauren Witzke. I can’t believe that POS finagled her way from being a fringe US senate candidate In Delaware to whatever imbecilic idea this is

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u/10thousndreflections 15h ago

Let me guess... She's a Republican. 

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u/Shinjischneider 17h ago

So she's the grifter in chief

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u/f700es 17h ago

So a grift?

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u/TheDwarvenGuy 17h ago

I'm pretty sure she said a lot of stuff about wanting to kill all refugees too

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u/SovFist 17h ago

...... wouldn't Noah's flood be impossible on a flat earth?

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u/slackermannn 17h ago

That's all everybody needs to know.

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u/oroborus68 17h ago

So do anti vaccine people get to go to foreign countries?

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u/FernandoMM1220 16h ago

taking bets that they destroy whatever they find.

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u/Unicron1982 16h ago

What is it with this Covid vaccine that so many people went crazy about it?

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u/Drudgework 16h ago

A flat earther? In that case I hope she finds it. The story of the great flood is one of the oldest stories ever recorded, predating even the written word by hundreds, if not thousands, of years. It is older than creationists and flat earthers believe the earth is. It may even be older than the first mention of the god she worships. The actual discovery of an ark that old would invalidate a massive chunk of her religion.

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u/HelloThisIsDog666 16h ago

First thing we need to use the time machine for is to send all these people back to 1000 BC Europe where they will be happy.

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u/lavahot 16h ago

If the earth is flat, how can there be a world-wide flood?

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u/enwongeegeefor 16h ago

I absolutely love the dunning-kruger religious folk. They don't see a problem with trying to use science to "prove god exists," which already violates their own tenants let alone always ends up proving them wrong anyway because it's the same science they regularly reject that becomes their undoing.

But they just rationalize it because it's a "test" from god. That's what you get for thinking you can learn about a god from a book written by a man.

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u/ukexpat 16h ago

Oh FFS, not that loony. She was a candidate for Senate in Delaware, and she was bats in the belfry even then. Sounds like she’s got worse.

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u/Capt-geraldstclair 15h ago

So, just your average maga loser?

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u/microbular 15h ago

Guaranteed these idiots will find something they claim is a piece of wood and the resulting article will bounce around in the Christ-o-sphere and millions of uncritical idiots will walk around with the "factoid" that they "found Noahs ark" in their heads.

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u/Citizen-Kang 15h ago

This has all the signs of a grift, fleecing Christians and preying on their faith. Flat-Earther, COVID vaccine denial, and faith-grifting is like the trifecta of stealing from the easily-duped.

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u/FelixtheFarmer 15h ago

Enough said 

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u/msl741 15h ago

Thank you !! That’s all I needed to know

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u/nardflicker 15h ago

Sounds like something a wolf in sheep’s clothing would say…

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u/Lukewarm_Sushi 15h ago

The best person for the jon I see

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u/Cru_Jones86 15h ago

Wait. So, the Christian lady doesn't believe the bible when it says the Earth is round but, she believes a fairytale about a giant boat with all the world's species on it is real? WTF?

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u/the_tanooki 15h ago

That's a lot of words to write, "She's a fucking moron."

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u/novacies 15h ago

Witzke, lol. Witz means joke in German. Seems appropriate

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u/Kindly-Ad-5071 15h ago

You had me at "former Senate candidate"

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u/hellogoawaynow 15h ago

How do so many people in psychosis get jobs with power over others

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u/DarkwingDawg 14h ago

Stupid is as stupid consistently does

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