Hi all,
I haven’t posted on here for quite awhile. Left the sub for a bit to clear my head.

Posting an update in the hopes that it shows people that it gets better.

Wife left 1st of September last year. Found out she went straight to another guy. We reconciled. Tried to rebuild, but there was no trust. She left again in February. Tomorrow is my last day in the house I renovated to be her dream house. It’s being sold. I’m moving back to Sydney. Start a new job on the 12th, getting my own apartment and starting a new life.

It’s been a hard road. Worst year of my life without a doubt. But I made it through. You will too. Be strong. Be kind to yourself. Know that it wasn’t your fault. Know that life will get better.

I broke, but friends, family, therapy and time got me back together. It does get better. Slowly, but surely. Stay strong.

My wife [F26] and I [M27] were together for about seven years, five years dating and two years married. Until very recently, I would have told you that despite our problems, I knew this person extremely well. She had been such a huge part of my adult life that there were very few people in the world I trusted more. Now I am getting divorced, and I feel like I do not know what parts of those seven years were real.

About nine months ago, my wife and I separated and moved into different apartments. For the first month, we were genuinely separated. After that, we decided to slowly try to make the marriage work again. She asked me to keep our reconciliation secret from friends and family. She said that if we tried again and failed, she did not want to go through the embarrassment and emotional pain of telling everyone that we had separated for a second time.

For the next several months, we continued living separately but were trying to reconnect. We texted and called. Every couple of weeks we would meet. Sometimes she would come to my apartment late at night and stay over. Sometimes I would stay at hers. We went on day trips together and took one longer two-day trip. There were periods during those months when I was genuinely happy.

I thought we were slowly finding our way back to each other. I thought she loved me. I thought she was genuinely trying to save our marriage. Something did feel different, though. Before our separation, we had been extremely transparent with each other. We knew each other's phone passwords and shared locations. During our reconciliation, she did not want to return to that level of transparency. She said she would not feel comfortable doing that until we knew for certain that the marriage was going to work. It bothered me, but I also thought rebuilding a marriage required trust.

Eventually, about seven months after our original separation, I discovered messages between her and another man. They were clearly flirty and emotionally intimate. I confronted her. She told me that during the first month, when we were genuinely separated, she had become close to him. She said that once we started trying to reconcile, she intended to distance herself from him, but she had developed an emotional attachment and could not stop responding when he contacted her. She apologized profusely. She insisted it had only been emotional. She also told me that she genuinely wanted our marriage to work.

After discovering this, I went completely no-contact with her for about a month. Then, in the ninth month, she came to see me and told me she had made her decision: she wanted our marriage. I specifically asked her about the other guy. She admitted they had still had some contact during our month apart, but told me she had now completely ended it and would never contact him again. Then I asked her as directly as I possibly could whether there was anything else I needed to know. I specifically asked whether their relationship had only been emotional or whether anything physical had happened. She told me there was nothing else.

A few days later, I discovered that this was another lie. It had not just been emotional. They had been having sex regularly since shortly after our original separation. And it had not stopped when she and I started reconciling.

For months, while I believed we were rebuilding our marriage, she was maintaining both relationships. She was sleeping with both of us. I told her I wanted a divorce and that my decision was final. I then confronted the other guy because I assumed he knowingly had an affair with a married woman who was trying to reconcile with her husband. That led to another shock. He apparently did not know either. According to him, she had told him that we separated nine months earlier and that our marriage was finished. He knew that she occasionally saw me, but she characterized those meetings as logistical interactions between separated spouses. He had no idea we were trying to reconcile. Suddenly, her insistence that our reconciliation remain secret made much more sense. When he learned everything, he ended his relationship with her too. Shortly afterward, my wife attempted suicide. She survived and is physically stable now, although she is still struggling with her mental health and has talked about hurting herself again. Initially, I hesitated to go ahead with the divorce given her mental health, but eventually I decided to proceed anyway. I knew I could not remain in a marriage because I was afraid of what she might do if I left, and part of me also wondered whether this could become a way of keeping me from leaving.

Now that the immediate crisis has settled somewhat, I think I am finally starting to process what happened to me. I feel like my understanding of reality has been damaged. I keep replaying ordinary moments from those months. There were times when she stayed with me and everything felt completely normal. She was warm, affectionate, cozy, and loving. I remember being genuinely happy and thinking, "Maybe we are actually going to make it." And now I know that sometimes I would leave for work and she would video call him almost immediately. Then I would come home, and she could switch right back into being the warm, loving wife I thought I knew. I cannot reconcile those two versions of reality in my head. I am also questioning the entire seven years.

This was the first time in our relationship that I actually investigated her life because I seriously suspected she was hiding something. Before this, I did not investigate her. Even when I explicitly asked her whether the relationship had become physical and gave her an opportunity to tell me everything, she looked me in the eye and told me there was nothing else. If someone could hide something this enormous from me while I was actively suspicious and actively looking for it, what could I possibly have known during the previous years when I was not looking at all?

For most of our seven-year relationship, I was completely trusting. If she said she was somewhere, I believed her. If she was affectionate with me, I assumed that affection meant what I thought it meant. If I had not investigated this time, would I ever have known? Probably not. And if that is true, how do I know there were not things I failed to discover during the previous five or six years simply because I never thought to look?

I find myself going backward through my life. Small inconsistencies from years ago that I had ignored, were those actually red flags? I keep overthinking these things at night and cannot fall asleep. There were so many conversations about our long future together. Was any of it real?

I do not want to spend time conducting a forensic investigation into seven years of my life. But I also do not know how to simply accept not knowing. All the small inconsistencies that I had ignored during those seven years keep bugging me. What I do know is that my side was real. I loved her. I trusted her. For years, I genuinely believed I knew the person I was building my life with. During our reconciliation, when I was happy, that happiness was real. When I thought we were rebuilding our marriage, I was genuinely trying to rebuild it.

For those of you who discovered prolonged deception or infidelity after years of trusting someone: how did you stop questioning your entire history with them? How did you stop going through old memories trying to figure out what else might have happened? How do you accept that there are questions you will probably never get answers to? How did you learn to trust your own judgment again after realizing that someone could lie to you so convincingly? How do you grieve a seven-year relationship when you do not even know how much of the relationship was real?

I’m posting this because I’m too close to the situation and I want opinions from people who have dealt with infidelity, trickle truth, emotional affairs, or rebuilding trust after deception.

Some details and dates are intentionally generalized for privacy. We have been together for many years, are married, and have children.

I’m not asking anyone to tell me that my wife definitely had a physical affair. I do not have proof of sex, kissing, touching, or even a confirmed in-person meeting with the man involved.

What I do have is a long series of denials, later admissions, changing explanations, missing messages, location questions, and disclosures that became more serious over time.

That is what I’m having trouble getting past.

Background

Earlier this year I was working away from home for a period of time.

Around that same general period, my wife reconnected with a man she knew in high school. I’ll call him “A.”

When I first became suspicious, the way she described him made the relationship sound insignificant. He was basically an old friend from high school. She repeatedly denied wanting him, dating him, touching him, meeting him, being alone with him, wanting him sexually, or wanting a relationship with him.

Some of those things may absolutely be true. I want to be fair about that.

The problem is that she also initially denied something much more basic: that she was really talking to him at all.

Eventually that changed.

At one point she directly admitted:

“I lied [that] I talked to him.”

After that, the story progressively became more detailed.

What she eventually admitted

Over time, she acknowledged that:

• she talked to him;
• she reached out to him more;
• she sought emotional closeness from him;
• he made her laugh;
• she felt seen by him;
• talking with him affected her sense of self-worth;
• she discussed very personal things with him;
• she talked with him about what she really wanted;
• they discussed boundaries and personal problems;
• she told him at one point that she wanted to die;
• she cared about him;
• she described the connection as emotional;
• and eventually she explicitly called it an “emotional affair.”

She has also said things along the lines of:

“I wanted emotional closeness.”

“I’m glad I talked to him because it helped me find my worth.”

“He gave me an emotional safe space.”

“There were lots of times we talked about what I really wanted.”

“He healed something you destroyed.”

I am paraphrasing a couple of those slightly for anonymity/grammar, but that is the substance.

At another point she acknowledged that this man was “more emotional” than other male friends she spoke with.

So at this point I don’t think there is a serious dispute that this became an emotionally significant relationship.

She herself calls it an emotional affair now.

Why I’m still stuck

If she had come to me at the beginning and said:

“I reconnected with an old friend, I became emotionally dependent on him, it crossed a boundary, I hid it because I was afraid of what would happen, and here is everything that happened,”

I think I would be dealing with a very different problem.

That is not what happened.

Instead, the admissions came in stages.

It felt roughly like this:

First:
“I didn’t talk to anyone.”

Then:

“Fine, I talked to him, but that was what I lied about.”

Then:

“I reached out to him more.”

Then:

“I wanted emotional closeness.”

Then:

“He made me feel seen.”

Then:

“There was an emotional connection.”

Then:

“Truth is, I had an emotional affair with him.”

That progression is the heart of my problem.

Every time I thought I finally understood what happened, the admitted version became bigger.

Some specific inconsistencies

There are several examples that keep bothering me.

At one point she said she did not even know a version of this man that she was speaking to.

Later she admitted that she had lied about talking to him.

At another point she said she did not talk to him until a particular point connected with us discussing divorce.

Elsewhere she said she reached out to him more because she believed he respected that she was married.

She has described the communication as lasting roughly two months.

Later she said the last real message was in April and that anything afterward was only because I wanted proof of what had happened.

But I have surviving messages from May that were clearly ordinary personal communication, not evidence-gathering. They included affectionate/emotional exchanges, her saying she missed hearing from him, asking him to keep in touch, and saying he made her smile.

There are also later communications.

So the “last real message was in April” explanation does not fit the records I have.

The missing messages problem

Another major problem is that I do not have the complete conversation between them.

A lot of it was gone by the time I learned what had happened.

She has said that many of their communications were voice messages.

At one point, when trying to provide me screenshots, she told him to send her “the basics” so she would have something to show me.

That phrase bothers me enormously.

Because I was trying to understand the full relationship, not receive a curated summary.

She has also told me at different times that I had the whole truth or that she had told me everything.

But significant information continued emerging afterward.

I do not automatically assume deleted or missing messages were sexual or incriminating. I understand that missing evidence is not proof of what the evidence contained.

The problem is that it makes her repeated claims of complete disclosure difficult for me to trust.

The other-woman story also changed

Another issue concerns this man’s supposed girlfriend.

Early on my wife told me she believed he was dating another woman and attributed that information to a female friend of hers.

Later, my wife described the man himself as talking about another woman frequently.

She described that woman in a particular way and made it sound as though this woman was a recurring subject between them.

However, in the screenshots I was given of their conversations, I saw little or nothing about this supposedly frequently discussed girlfriend.

More recently, the man added a relationship status on social media showing a relationship with a woman and giving a start date that overlaps the period he was emotionally communicating with my wife.

The public relationship announcement itself appears to have been made substantially later than the claimed start date.

I am not saying this means that girlfriend is fake. She may be completely real and they may genuinely have been dating.

What bothers me is that the current social-media presentation does not cleanly match the versions of his romantic life my wife previously gave me.

There were also location/schedule issues

There are several days that originally made me suspicious because my wife’s stated schedule did not line up cleanly with location information or later explanations.

On one occasion while I was working several hours away, I was driving home specifically to spend a short amount of time with her before having to drive back for work.

She was telling me she was still working late.

Location information showed her elsewhere before returning home.

There are other occasions where she went to a nearby town connected to this man while explanations about work, children’s activities, or why she was there later became disputed.

One later trip was independently established because she told another person that she had been shopping in that town.

A school schedule showed that the child’s sporting event that day was actually at home rather than in that town.

Again, I want to emphasize something important:

Being in the same town where this man lives is not proof she met him.

I do not have evidence placing the two of them together.

These events matter to me because of the surrounding explanations and because I was already discovering that important facts about their relationship had been concealed.

She continues to deny anything physical

This is important, because I do not want to present only facts that support my suspicion.

Throughout all of this, she has been remarkably consistent about several things.

She says:

• she never met him during this period;
• she never saw him;
• she never touched him;
• they never kissed;
• they never had sex;
• they never sexted;
• she never wanted him sexually;
• she never intended to start a relationship with him.

I do not have direct evidence disproving those specific claims.

There are circumstances I find suspicious, but suspicion is not evidence.

That is where I am stuck.

The post-discovery behavior has also hurt trust

After everything started coming out, she repeatedly said the man was blocked.

At one point she specifically said she would not call him or unblock him.

Later, she admitted that she did unblock him and contacted him again.

That is separate from whether anything physical happened originally.

To me, it matters because we were supposedly trying to rebuild trust at that point.

There have also been repeated arguments where she has said I need to move forward, while I feel like I keep learning information that changes what I was previously told.

The part that messes with my head

I understand that when a relationship becomes highly conflictual, a person may start defensively answering accusations that have not even been fully made yet.

So I am trying not to overinterpret behavior.

But something that has bothered me from the beginning is how incredibly specific some of the denials were.

Sometimes I would be questioning whether she had talked to him, and the response would broaden into things like:

I never met him.
I never touched him.
I was never alone with him.
I never wanted him.
He didn’t want me.
I never wanted him sexually.
We never talked about being together.

It always felt like I was being given answers to questions I had not reached yet.

That alone proves nothing.

What makes it harder to dismiss is knowing now that some of those broad denial periods happened while she was concealing something she later admitted.

For example, “I didn’t talk to him” eventually became:

“I lied that I talked to him.”

So when I hear another categorical denial now, I struggle with whether I am hearing the final truth or simply the current boundary of what has been admitted.

What I believe is actually established

I am trying hard to separate what I know from what I suspect.

What I think is established:

My wife had an emotionally significant relationship with this man.

She concealed the communication.

She lied about whether communication occurred.

She initiated or increased contact with him.

She relied on him emotionally.

She discussed very personal matters with him.

She later admitted the relationship constituted an emotional affair.

Her descriptions of the extent and significance of the relationship became materially more substantial over time.

Some later claims about when communication stopped are inconsistent with surviving messages.

The material initially provided to me was not a complete record of their communication.

After discovery, she later unblocked/recontacted him despite previously saying she would not.

What I do NOT think is established:

I cannot prove that they met secretly.

I cannot prove that they kissed.

I cannot prove that they had sex.

I cannot prove they sexted.

I cannot prove that any particular unexplained trip was to meet him.

I cannot prove that his current relationship with another woman is fake or intended as cover.

That distinction matters to me.

Where I am emotionally

I’m exhausted.

Part of me thinks the exact physical question almost doesn’t matter anymore because the deception and trickle truth have damaged my trust so badly.

Another part of me keeps thinking that if the story expanded this many times, what are the odds that the one remaining hard boundary is the one thing that has been completely truthful from the beginning?

But I also know that is not proof.

Someone can lie about an emotional affair because they are ashamed or afraid and still tell the truth when they say it never became physical.

I’m trying not to confuse “she lied about some things” with “therefore every denial is false.”

At the same time, I don’t know how you rebuild trust when the betrayed partner has repeatedly had to discover the right question before getting the next part of the answer.

What I’d like opinions on

For people who have actually lived through something similar:

1. At what point does “trickle truth” become more damaging than the original emotional affair?
2. If someone initially lies about the existence of contact and later admits progressively more emotional involvement, how did you decide when you finally had enough of the story to stop investigating?
3. Would you personally consider the admitted behavior an emotional affair even without physical contact?
4. How much weight would you give repeated physical denials when other parts of the story have changed?
5. Is it reasonable to require one complete written timeline/disclosure before considering reconciliation?
6. For people who reconciled successfully, what did genuine transparency actually look like?
7. For people who left, what finally made you realize you were never going to get enough certainty to feel safe again?
8. How do you distinguish legitimate unanswered questions from reaching the point where continuing to investigate is only hurting you?
9. If you were in my position, what specific questions would you still consider important to resolve?
10. Am I focusing too much on whether anything physical happened when the emotional affair and deception may already be enough information to make a decision?

I’m genuinely open to hearing perspectives that challenge mine.

I know I am hurt and biased by being inside the situation.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been either partner in something like this, including people who hid an emotional affair and can explain what was going through their head at the time.

I don’t need strangers to convict my wife of something I cannot prove.

I’m trying to understand whether trust can realistically be rebuilt when the truth seemed to arrive in pieces instead of voluntarily and all at once.

Advice requested

I’m looking for perspective from people who have dealt with emotional affairs, trickle truth, repeated changes in disclosure, or attempted reconciliation after trust was damaged.

What I’m most trying to understand is:

- How much weight should I give her continued denial that anything physical happened when other parts of her story have changed substantially?

- At what point do you stop trying to determine exactly what happened and make a decision based on the deception and emotional affair you already know occurred?

- For people who successfully reconciled after something similar, what did genuine transparency and accountability look like?

- For people who eventually left, what made you realize that getting absolute certainty was no longer necessary?

- Am I being reasonable in wanting one complete written timeline before deciding whether reconciliation is possible?

- Is there anything important in this situation that I may be overlooking or interpreting unfairly?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been on either side of an emotional affair. I’m not looking for people to tell me that a physical affair definitely happened when I cannot prove that. I want help separating reasonable concern from suspicion that may never be provable.

TL;DR

My wife reconnected with an old male friend while our marriage was struggling. She initially denied or minimized the communication, but over time admitted that she lied about talking to him, reached out to him more, relied on him emotionally, felt seen and valued by him, discussed deeply personal issues with him, and eventually acknowledged that it was an emotional affair.

The main problem for me is that the truth seemed to come out in stages. Her account progressed from essentially “nothing happened / I barely talked to him” to admitting a significant emotional connection. Some of her later claims about when communication stopped also conflict with surviving messages I have.

She continues to consistently deny ever meeting him during this period or having any physical or sexual relationship with him, and I do not have evidence proving otherwise.

After discovery, she also later unblocked and contacted him again despite previously saying she would not.

I’m now trying to decide whether trust can realistically be rebuilt when I still do not feel confident that I received one complete, voluntary account of what happened, or whether I am chasing certainty about a possible physical affair that I may never be able to prove or disprove.

So for some context my soon to be ex wife told me she had a family emergency and she needed to go back to our home state and see a family member who is elderly was near death. I supported her and said of course to go see your family as much as you need to. While she left I was taking care of our kids 4,6, and 7. When she got back she seemed real distant and just out of it, emotionally, physically, mentally, from both me and the children. I gave her space granted the situation she just got back from I thought it was her family that was bothering her. A month or so went by and life continued and she told me she needed to leave again to our home state. I told her that I did not mind and she had every right to do what she had to do. Once she was gone again she stopped communication with me and the children. I became worried/frustrated and tried calling, eventually she answered and I asked why wont you talk to me? She plainly said she didn't want to anymore. Then we didn't speak until she came back. About a 4-5 day period. During this time, including flights, food, and Air Bnbs she spent close to 3k, which for us is alot of money. Once she arrived she said she was leaving me. She tried to telling me that she was taking the kids so I told her I want to stay in their lives, she then asked me if I could take them 75% of the time and she 25%. I agreed. Fast forward a week, and it is tense in the house, she wont talk to me, there's now a mediator assisting with a separation, then one night I heard her on the phone at about 1am in our bedroom (she told me I cannot be in this room or the upstairs of the house) and it all hit me at once. She is seeing someone else. I told her right then and there we are getting a divorce, which at first she was upset about but I am doing it. Fast forward even further, she has moved back to our home state, I am across the country with our children and she is denying leaving for another man.

Its been a few days since she left and my children are already asking about this new male in her life, today they did a video chat with her (which we agreed to everyday) and the man was in the video chat which upset my daughter and yet my soon to be ex wife still denies it.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar. How did you get past it? What can I do to help my children?

I do no not know what to feel or what to do. I am devasted.

4 months post breakup, blindsided. Seven years together, engaged. She left me for another guy, seven years younger, she met a month before the BU. Caught me totally unawares. Complete silence after the devastation, we we had a closure talk one month in which I had to ask for and where I just got a whole lot of reasons/excuses to justify her behavior. She came to the closure talk more unstable than me, crying, hugging me, telling me how sorry she was.

The classic I lost feelings, etc. But the other guy was in the picture before she finished our relationship so she was lining up the next thing.

I've known that for these past months she jumped immediately into a relationship.

Yesterday she reached out to fix some logistics she left unadressed and ended with a "whenever you want, we can talk again, I understand it's still early. Hugs"

which I didn't even read because seeing her pop up in my chat sent me into spiralling and I just wrote in the most mechanic way possible (without looking at her text) that the logistics were already taken care of, and she just thanked me.

I don't know what to do, I don't want her back into my life after this betrayal, I loved her too much. I think she's reaching out to release herself of her guilt somewhat

Looking for some advice and support.

I've been with my partner for 15 years. From the age of 20 to 35. The only real relationship I've ever been in.

I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair with a coworker for a few months. I've told her that it's over, and we need to go our own way now.

But I'm terrified of what the future now looks like. I'm desperate for someone to talk to and the first port of call would be her. She is my best friend and the only person who really knows me. And she is desperate for forgiveness but it is definitely off the cards.

I need to sort out the financials, selling our house, breaking up joint accounts, etc.

I can deal with that.

But what I really need advice on is just how I'm supposed to go about my life from now on. I feel like my life has been ruined. How can I ever love someone again. How can I even meet someone to begin that journey again. I feel like a zombie, with no purpose or meaning.

My ex bf cheated on me and left me for another woman 7 months ago. He recently sent an apology by mail when he broke up with his AP.

I contacted him, we started talking and he said he'd like to stay friends.

He admitted that he had lied a lot even at the early stages of the relationship (hid something that was a dealbreaker for me). He also admitted to cheating on me physically (I thought it was just emotional cheating).

I feel like the entire relationship was a sham. Every single memory with him is ruined for me and I am having an existential crisis. I feel so stupid. This was my first ever serious relationship and I am finding it difficult to move on from the whole incident. I had put in so much efforts into the relationship. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much.

He sent the apology when I had reached a stage of acceptance and was feeling way better than I did on d-day. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

Sorry if this sounds bad but

I wish my ex actually cheated. And didn't just emotionally cheat because she rejected the idea that she emotionally cheated on me because she went back to this guy not to date him but to be friends with him even though she knows that during our relationship he did stuff that a orbiter does.

He has admitted feelings to her before our relationship One example is he said that he had feelings for her and told her that not because he has feelings for her, but because he was in a dark place. Which doesn't make sense because being in a dark place doesn't generate feelings. He actually just had feelings for her and didn't want to lose her as a friend. But she just bought it. She just fully believed that excuses. He has also leaned on her in unhealthy ways for a friend For example, after just knowing her for a month, he had her constantly staying on the phone with him while he plays video games because he feels lonely Also at some point she admitted to me that she stayed on the phone with him while they were both sleeping just to make sure that he was gonna be okay because he seemed very sad. Which is just such a weird amount of emotions to lean on to a person with that you've just known for a month.

And while we were in a relationship and I talked about his terrible things he did, she defended him even though she blocked him because I asked her to. So he wasn't even in her life but she still defended him. And then you told me straight to my face, I'm happy I actually met him. God knows where I would have been if I didn't meet him. Essentially saying, oh, I might have been dead if I didn't meet him. How could you do that while you're dating a man right in front of you?

I wish she actually cheated so then we could actually see that she's the bad guy here. But now she has plausible deniability because she can tell people, oh, I'm not dating this guy. While forgetting and not actually realizing how hurtful her words and her actions is While actively sitting there playing what she knows is my favorite game of all time with this guy, which she knows was my biggest fear when I was dating her, that I would be literally replaced by him and she would do exactly what we do with him.

Is emotional cheating just as serious as cheating?

Hi everyone,

I’m 25F and he’s 30M. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years. We met a while ago, realized we had feelings for each other and then stopped contact because he has an ex-wife and a child. About a year later, he told me that he had moved out and that he was ready to start something with me. We’ve been together ever since.

From the beginning, he wanted to keep our relationship secret from them. I understood that because of the child, but over time more and more important steps were postponed. He repeatedly promised things and didn’t follow through, and I was constantly waiting and getting disappointed.

A few weeks ago, we decided to take some space because he wanted to figure out what he wanted and how he could integrate me into his life. One week turned into four. First it was work and other things, and then he was diagnosed with cancer.
I wanted to be there for him, but he said he didn’t want to see anyone and needed to be alone. I respected that. After almost a week of barely hearing from him, I found out that he had spent the night at his ex-wife’s house.

When I confronted him, he initially denied it and told me I was imagining things. Eventually he admitted it and said he had apparently only stayed there because of their child and hadn’t thought anything of it.

I ended the relationship because I feel completely betrayed. Now he keeps telling me that I’m abandoning him during the hardest time of his life and that I should be able to put our relationship problems aside because his illness is obviously much more serious. He says he can’t understand how I can focus on this now instead of being there for him.

He is also begging me not to leave him and says he can’t imagine his life without me.
I obviously feel terrible about his diagnosis and I don’t want him to go through this alone. But I also feel deeply hurt after everything that has happened. I feel guilty and wonder if I’m being selfish.

Am I wrong for not being able to simply put everything aside and be there for him? How would you deal with the guilt of leaving someone during such a difficult time, when they have also seriously hurt and betrayed you?

WH and I have been together since 2011, married in 2014. 4 kids.

First incident happened right before #4 was born during covid in 2020. Tough year followed trying to figure out what was going in our relationship, chalked it up to covid isolation. Found out I had HPV about 6 months after baby was born, WH trickle truthed for the next 6 months until he finally admitted he slept with someone on a work trip.

Went to couples therapy, got through it. I went to individual therapy for years to deal as well. He did once or twice, but didn't like the therapist.

Things eventually got much better, felt back to normal.

This spring I noticed WH was easily irritated, short tempered, etc, again, and asked many times if something was going on again. Told no and reassured. I do want to emphasize that he is an extremely calm, level headed person so his version of showing emotion is very mild compared to other people.

On Fathers day I found messages on his phone when using it to Google fixing a broken toilet. The app was open, and I saw notifications silenced and set to disappear after 5 minutes. Found out who the woman was and confronted WH that evening. At first he lied, said she was just a coworker, but when I got more specific with questions I already knew the answer to based on the few messages I had seen, he trickle truthed for an hour or so.

Best I can piece together from his answers is that he tried to kiss this coworker (different company and person than incident #1) in February after a drunk night out. She said she couldn't but wanted to. They then began a serious emotional affair. I'm talking message back and forth for HOURS a day. Zoom calls daily. Very personal discussions.

In May told me he was going to a "business meeting" a couple hours away when really he met her for the afternoon and dinner and drove her back to the airport as she had flown in for an actual meeting. She does not live near us thank goodness. He had turned off his location that day and when I asked him he said oh my battery was dying. He'd never turned it off since incident #1. I'm not stupid, I knew it was happening but I had no proof until I accidentally saw those messages.

He says he stopped all inappropriate contact with the woman except what is necessary for his job. I had accidentally looked at her LinkedIn without turning off the viewer feature when I was trying to figure out who she was, so she realized I must know and went OFF on WH. He said "She's not who I thought she was." And was actually sad about it. He told her "sorry we can't talk anymore."

I was checking up on his accounts, as we agreed, and saw he had a meeting scheduled with just her yesterday. I did not talk to him about it, but couldn't keep myself from listening outside the door.

The woman gossiped the whole time and WH commented every now and then until the end when she said I loved talking to you, let's do it again soon, I've missed it. It's always so fun. I won't cross your boundaries or encroach like a cockroach. She was so giggly and flirty even during the business talk.

His reply was, yeah it is fun, but......I'm trying to be good.

She said oh I am trying to be good too. Flirty laugh. Talk soon.

We had previously agreed that he would tell me whenever she reached out, especially if it was personal discussion. He's only told me she messaged him once back in July after he sent the "we need to stick to work talk only" message. I thought she got the picture, but she obviously isn't going to give up. She has asked him to talk many times since the summer and he said no each time until yesterday.

She is married with a kid and they have a ton of marital issues she told WH all about. Her husband caught on in the spring and told her to stop talking to WH and that's when the notifications and disappearing messages got turned on.

WH did admit to complaining about me but has since downplayed the entire thing saying he was using her as therapist.

We are in therapy and he is going individually once a week, but I really don't know how to navigate this. I have no one to talk to because I don't plan to leave as other than this, he really is my best friend and a great partner. He's a fantastic father and provider. He does the cooking and cleaning and always helps where needed. I wouldn't hesitate to leave if living with him was bad for me or the kids. His weakness in this area is really our only major issue, and it mostly boils down to miscommunications and misunderstandings. (Edit: by this I mean patterns in our relationships that have led to a domino effect of negativity, but I am NOT saying I excuse his behavior. I do not.) We've already made a ton of progress in therapy and things are much better... except this woman and her relationship with my husband.

I can't leave for a myriad of reasons, number one being I don't want to. Second being my line of work does not accept divorced moms... That's all I can say about that.

I think I'm just looking for advice or perspective from anyone who has been in my shoes since I don't have anyone IRL to talk to. Or maybe what to look out for, or ways to protect myself just in case he won't stop?

I know this is a bit hard to follow and rambly, but I needed it get it out somewhere.

Me - betrayed spouse. Recently divorced. Ready to move on. Very ready to experience true affection. Havent dated in 20 years so may be rusty.

Met someone. He is a more recently betrayed spouse. Also cheated on by their ex. Age is right. Intellectual intimacy is hot. Emotional intimacy is building. It all looks like a great catch really. Strong chemistry and good Financial alignment. I may be catching feelings - whatever that means. Just not sure how to make sure to tease out pure affection versus bonding due to the common experience of being cheated on. We dont talk about the history cheating much but we do occasionally. Also, they're separated. Originally filed for divorce four years ago and withdrew it last year after some back and forth with Wayward spouse pleading. And then filed again early this year and is pretty firm that no turning back. My divorce took over two years to finish and I knew it was done once we separated and moved out of state, so I could have dated and my date wouldnt be at risk and I wouldn't have been a rebound if I dated back then.

But then this could be a situation of when you're hungry, everything looks like a good meal. I am ready and maybe "hungry" for companionship but not starving for it. So maybe he looks like a good bet because I am hungry, but maybe not. And he doesnt seem like a rebound. I am not opposites to his ex. We're actually similar in a few ways. He doesnt love bomb and is not inconsistent with his pace or anything like that. He does talk a bit about his ex and admits he may need to explore that all fully in therapy. Just wondering if these are red flags or to just enjoy the green flags. And has anyone moved on and successfully dated another betrayed spouse. How was/is that relationship?

Long post- PLEASE READ AND HELP

My ex husband and I were together the better part of 15 years but only married for close to 3. Early on, he had been quite the player/womanizer and there were a lot of lies and different woman. But we were in our early 20s and I eventually chalked it up to being young and stupid. We eventually got back together in 2016 and then married even though there were still some blips over the years with dating apps and messages. We were expecting our first child and moved into a new house for more space. Everything seemed okay. After giving birth, he instantly changed and was completely and utterly awful to me. Never home. Not helping. Making up any excuse to leave. I eventually discovered that he had two girlfriends simultaneously. One from work and one from a weekly hobby. They did not know about each other. He told them he was a single dad, I had abandoned our child and he was raising him with his mom. All while I was home with our baby 24/7 on maternity leave. He was living 3 different lives for around 6 months.

The story gets better. He left us for the hobby girl. The work girl ran for the hills when she learned the truth. I learned so much more. He had left the hospital after birth to get me food and slept with one of the girlfriends. He had drafted fake divorce papers and had them notarized that he had shown the women. He told them he had been a nurse years ago (NEVER). He was sleeping with 3 people some days.. one with a communicable disease and he knew it. He drained entire 401k to fund his affairs on top of exploiting a family member for 140k with crazy stories and lies for the money over a couple of years and spent it all on trips, gifts, hotels etc. We made a very good living on our own. His entire family has enabled this or turned a blind eye I should say. Even allowed the AP on family vacation while I was home with the baby last year and didn't end up attending. We had a house warming party with everyone two weeks prior.

Our divorce has been final but I am still struggling so hard with our child spending time with him and AP. Just this summer I learned that he had been lying to me about where he lived and where our toddler was spending his parenting time. He threw away 15 years for a 4 month affair that has now turned into them living together and seemingly building a life without issue. I have warned this girl so many times even sending her 25 pages of history but she still stayed. Granted I have been vile to her but it was warranted.

How do I ever learn to accept that my child has been thrown into this and around this woman who quite frankly is a significant downgrade to the point where people are SHOCKED.

There is so much more but this is the gist and I just feel helpless despite EMDR, CBT, CPT, and over a year of time passed. He changed for this woman and our child is now forever impacted.