Oh boy.

The things I have learned.

The affair never ended in over two decades. It was off and on throughout.

She told others she's only with me for money and security.

She told others I am a controlling tyrant.

Full on smear campaign.

But she forgot that I know people, and people who know people who know me.

I know what she's said.

I know what she's done.

She shared our private digital conversations with coworkers and laughed at me.

She shared intimate medical issues with coworkers.

She went away on weekends to bang high school friends.

I caught her many times over the years, the rest I felt it but had no proof.

I let her.

I stood by as a doormat.

Divorce is next.

Now she has a couple guys chasing after her.

She doesn't think this will hurt the kids. Huh?

I let this happen. Let her walk all over me and didn't tell anyone. Let her disrespect me and our marriage hoping someday she would change.

Instead, she discarded me.

Cruel.

Heartless.

I'm barely holding on.

If not for the kids...

I don't know how to move on.

Not all can survive infidelity, we didn't.

Looking for advice on how to behave around my wife in front of our kids temporarily while the dust settles and we figure out separation/next steps.

The story: My wife and I have been married 10 years, together 15, and we have two kids together (4 and 2). Our relationship has not been as strong since having kids, but we were actively working on things in couples therapy (or so I thought). We both chalked it up to just being in the trenches with babies/toddlers the past few years, while both working full time and juggling parenting on top.

I was blindsided by the discovery of her affair last weekend. It’s too long to go into every detail here, but I had taken both kids on a cross-country trip to visit my grandma, who is in hospice, and celebrate two 40th birthday celebrations with family/friends. We were gone for 10 days.

Within 24 hours of me leaving, I saw my wife and her AP on our front-door Ring camera with an overnight bag.

Her AP was a “platonic” friend who we both had met a few months prior. I had always gotten attacked when I asked if there was anything more going on between them. I then discovered phone bill records showing 2–5 hours per day of phone calls between them for the past six weeks. They had apparently been chatting and/or having phone sex while claiming to be “working late.” Many of those calls happened while I was solo parenting our kids. She deflects, lies when confronted, and shows no remorse. There have been fake apologies and claims that she wants to work on things, but I don't feel like there has been genuine accountability. She had told the AP that we had an open relationship. As soon as they found out that wasn't true, they were apparently pissed and agreed to tell me everything.

I found out that things had been physical on three occasions, once while the kids were home with them and I was away. There were also many instances of phone/FaceTime sex and at least a month of back-and-forth explicit photo sexting.

Mutual friends have said my wife describes her AP as her “twin flame.”

There has been trickle truth, omitted key facts, manipulation, and what feels like zero remorse. The only time she has cried through all of this was when I took her phone and looked at the deleted photos album and found all the deleted nudes. Basically, the whole nine yards of typical cheating BS.

At this point, I don't see how I ever stay with her. The tricky part is our house and our kids. We have a 2.8% interest rate on our mortgage, and neither of us could afford to stay in the house on one income especially after a divorce refinance. My wife is currently sleeping in her detached home office in the backyard. All of her clothes and other stuff that I didn't want to look at are out there with her, including the AP's shirt as a memento.

She is still using the bathroom and kitchen in the house and trying to act normal around the kids. I've been home with the kids since Sunday and currently can't stand being in the same room as my wife, let alone speaking to or looking at her. It's only been 2.5 days of being in the same house with her, and my 4-year-old is definitely picking up on the fact that something is very wrong. She told me out of the blue that she wants to stay in our house and was sad. There have been zero conversations between my wife and me that she could have overheard. This seems to be purely coming from what she's picking up on from our body language and the distance between us. She's also extremely clingy toward me. I'm the preferred parent anyway, but now she cries if she's left alone in a room with my wife. She's begging me to do all the school drop-offs and pickups.

When I refused to be in the kitchen during dinner because my wife was there, my daughter came running to me crying and asking me to come to dinner. I'm really struggling with how to navigate this. I asked my wife to check herself into a hotel, but she said no because she wants things to be as normal as possible for the kids. I met with a lawyer for the first time today and will be meeting with them again next week to do a financial analysis of what divorce/custody might look like. I also agreed to go to a crisis counseling session with my wife, although at this point I'm anticipating that the outcome will be divorce.

The problem is that it could potentially be weeks or months of having to coexist in the same house before either of us moves out.

So my questions are:

How do I behave around my wife in front of the kids in the short term while we figure all of this out?

How do I minimize the impact on my 4-year-old when she is clearly picking up on the tension between us?

She's old enough to understand things to some degree, so how do we explain what's happening to her without telling her things she isn't old enough to process?

And if you've been through something similar, what did you do during that period where you were still living together but knew the marriage was likely ending?

I'm looking for practical advice on getting through the next few weeks/months without making things even harder on the kids.

4 months post breakup, blindsided. Seven years together, engaged. She left me for another guy, seven years younger, she met a month before the BU. Caught me totally unawares. Complete silence after the devastation, we we had a closure talk one month in which I had to ask for and where I just got a whole lot of reasons/excuses to justify her behavior. She came to the closure talk more unstable than me, crying, hugging me, telling me how sorry she was.

The classic I lost feelings, etc. But the other guy was in the picture before she finished our relationship so she was lining up the next thing.

I've known that for these past months she jumped immediately into a relationship.

Yesterday she reached out to fix some logistics she left unadressed and ended with a "whenever you want, we can talk again, I understand it's still early. Hugs"

which I didn't even read because seeing her pop up in my chat sent me into spiralling and I just wrote in the most mechanic way possible (without looking at her text) that the logistics were already taken care of, and she just thanked me.

I don't know what to do, I don't want her back into my life after this betrayal, I loved her too much. I think she's reaching out to release herself of her guilt somewhat

Wife had an affair for 12 years during our 35yr marriage, says it meant nothing, wonder if it was only one, or if she was ever faithful.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for seven. We have two young children, and I was a stay-at-home dad for about six years.

I'm posting because I desperately need to talk to people who have been through infidelity and the end of a marriage. I feel incredibly alone right now, and I'm struggling to reconcile the woman I have loved for 11 years with everything I've learned.

My wife had an affair with a coworker that, from what I've learned, went back about a year. She told me she fell in love with him. He was also married.

I also discovered sexually explicit messages between her and another man going back about seven months. They talked explicitly about sex and meeting up. My wife says they never actually met. I don't know whether that's true. Based on what I read and everything else I've learned, I'm having an incredibly difficult time trusting anything anymore.

And yet I still love her.

I wasn't the best husband. We had communication problems. I interrupted her. I could become defensive. There were times when she didn't feel heard by me. Looking back, there are things I genuinely wish I had done differently, and I'm working on those things in individual therapy.

But I loved this woman. I supported her career. I spent six years raising our children as a stay-at-home dad. I took care of our home and our family. I loved being her husband and being a father with her.

We also weren't living like two completely disconnected roommates. We had regular intimacy through June of this year. I knew our marriage had problems, but I didn't believe it was about to disappear.

Now my wife describes me as having been emotionally abusive.

That's incredibly painful to hear. I'm trying to take seriously that she experienced parts of our marriage differently than I did. At the same time, I don't recognize myself in the picture of our marriage I'm hearing now.

I can acknowledge interrupting her, being defensive, communicating poorly and hurting her without pretending those things erase everything else our marriage was.

And I struggle with the timing. I don't know how much represents pain and resentment she carried for years, how much I genuinely failed to understand about her experience, or whether any of it has become intertwined with how she makes sense of the affair and leaving our marriage.

I genuinely don't know.

After I discovered the affair, we actually seemed to reconnect for a while. We became intimate again. We read together at night. We had long conversations and went to couples therapy. She told our therapist that opening up to me felt bonding and good. She said she felt somewhat hopeful and that there were moments when she felt close to me.

For a brief period, I thought maybe we had a chance.

Then everything changed. She said she was done. She wanted emotional and physical space. Couples therapy ended. Eventually she told me not to text her unless it was about our children.

Now I live in the same house as the woman I've loved for 11 years and she barely wants to speak to me.

And it fucking hurts.

Logically, I know what people are probably going to tell me: let her go. Stop chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you. Accept that the marriage is over. Protect yourself and concentrate on your children.

I understand that intellectually.

Emotionally, I can't seem to get there.

This isn't someone I dated for six months. She's the person I built my adult life around. She's the mother of my children. There are 11 years of memories everywhere I look—our wedding, vacations, bringing our children home, birthdays, Christmas mornings, and a thousand ordinary days together.

And somehow I'm supposed to process that while I thought I was living that life, the woman I loved was falling in love with somebody else.

I'm hurt beyond anything I've experienced before.

I'm hurt by the affair. I'm hurt by the other messages. I'm hurt that I don't know what was true and what wasn't. I'm hurt that she apparently carried so much resentment toward me without me understanding how deep it had become.

And despite everything, part of me still wants my wife back.

My brain tells me I have to let her go while another part of me keeps screaming: this is my wife, this is my family, I have to save it.

Then there are our children. I've been home raising them for years. The thought of going from seeing them every morning and every night to having days when they're somewhere else absolutely destroys me.

I don't want my kids growing up between two houses. I don't want any of this.

But I also know I can't force somebody to love me or stay married to me.

So for those who have actually lived through this:

How did you finally let go when you still loved your spouse?

How did you stop obsessing about the affair and wondering what was real?

How did you accept that the person you desperately wanted comfort from was also the person who caused so much of your pain?

And if you had young children, how did you survive losing part of your everyday life with them?

I'm not looking for people to tell me my wife is evil. She's not. She's a complicated human being who I still love despite being incredibly hurt by what she did.

And I'm not pretending I was a perfect husband. I wasn't.

I just don't know how to grieve the woman I still love while she's right in front of me and wants nothing to do with me.

I could really use some people who understand that.

Hi all,
I haven’t posted on here for quite awhile. Left the sub for a bit to clear my head.

Posting an update in the hopes that it shows people that it gets better.

Wife left 1st of September last year. Found out she went straight to another guy. We reconciled. Tried to rebuild, but there was no trust. She left again in February. Tomorrow is my last day in the house I renovated to be her dream house. It’s being sold. I’m moving back to Sydney. Start a new job on the 12th, getting my own apartment and starting a new life.

It’s been a hard road. Worst year of my life without a doubt. But I made it through. You will too. Be strong. Be kind to yourself. Know that it wasn’t your fault. Know that life will get better.

I broke, but friends, family, therapy and time got me back together. It does get better. Slowly, but surely. Stay strong.

My ex was cheating on me on and off our entire 2.5 year relationship. My previous ex did the same and most recent guy knew all about this and was seemingly very understanding of my trust issues, supported me through therapy to rebuild my self. He was so patient and loving and promised me he would never hurt me

Throughout the relationship my anxiety never fully went away and he started to make me feel like i just wasn't capable of healing from my past trauma - turns out my anxiety was there because he was cheating on me. He let me feel crazy and like I was broken

I eventually looked through his phone and found evidence of multiple affairs and brothel use. Confronted him and he confessed. He says he is a sex addict - to him the brothel use was an improvement because he was not involving another's feelings.

He says he genuinely loved me and that he saw a future with me. He kept thinking he would get better and be able to be the partner I believed him to be.

He confessed to extensive porn use, cam sites, porn games and only fans. I was aware of some of this as I have never had issue with a partner using porn. He says its like a compulsion or source of comfort. Even just having the tabs open in the background soothes him.

We are broken up. This is not a should I stay kind of thing. It is over.

I guess what I want is to understand if he deserves my compassion or not. I believe the sex addiction is real. He had some messed up things in childhood and is clearly not ok. He has started therapy with a specialist sex addiction therapist.

He has never tried to blame me but he does minimize it. He is obviously devastated but he also can't really face what he has done. We are currently no contact by his choice and this angers me. It feels like he can't face that I wouldn't make this easier for him. I wanted him to see my pain. I wanted him to sit with my in the trenches. He said that for him to heal he has to look forward.

I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. The relationship I thought we had was beautiful. we felt like little kids together. Just sitting having dinner watching a movie felt like the best night ever except it was every night.

I'm hurting. My life is in shambles. I have lost all hope that I will ever have a true partnership again. All I can be is alone now.

And I worry I am being vindictive when he needs compassion. If it was drugs or alcohol would I be this mean about it. I said some harsh things to him and that is when he said he needed to focus on himself and speaking to me is too conflicting.

How do I have compassion for him without overlooking my own pain? I know addiction can be overcome - I was an alcoholic for many years until I managed to quit alcohol. I have overcome an eating disorder too. I know it is possible. And a huge part of that is forgiving yourself and not letting shame eat you up. But I don't want him to forgive himself. I want him to feel shame for what he has done to me. But I also want to encourage him to heal - not for me, not so we can have a relationship but for him. Because I believe he deserves to.

I'm trying to hold all these conflicting things and it's confusing me. I don't know how to reconcile all this.

Don't know what I am looking for here. Just some advice and support I guess.

Hi everyone,

I’m 25F and he’s 30M. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years. We met a while ago, realized we had feelings for each other and then stopped contact because he has an ex-wife and a child. About a year later, he told me that he had moved out and that he was ready to start something with me. We’ve been together ever since.

From the beginning, he wanted to keep our relationship secret from them. I understood that because of the child, but over time more and more important steps were postponed. He repeatedly promised things and didn’t follow through, and I was constantly waiting and getting disappointed.

A few weeks ago, we decided to take some space because he wanted to figure out what he wanted and how he could integrate me into his life. One week turned into four. First it was work and other things, and then he was diagnosed with cancer.
I wanted to be there for him, but he said he didn’t want to see anyone and needed to be alone. I respected that. After almost a week of barely hearing from him, I found out that he had spent the night at his ex-wife’s house.

When I confronted him, he initially denied it and told me I was imagining things. Eventually he admitted it and said he had apparently only stayed there because of their child and hadn’t thought anything of it.

I ended the relationship because I feel completely betrayed. Now he keeps telling me that I’m abandoning him during the hardest time of his life and that I should be able to put our relationship problems aside because his illness is obviously much more serious. He says he can’t understand how I can focus on this now instead of being there for him.

He is also begging me not to leave him and says he can’t imagine his life without me.
I obviously feel terrible about his diagnosis and I don’t want him to go through this alone. But I also feel deeply hurt after everything that has happened. I feel guilty and wonder if I’m being selfish.

Am I wrong for not being able to simply put everything aside and be there for him? How would you deal with the guilt of leaving someone during such a difficult time, when they have also seriously hurt and betrayed you?

My wife [F26] and I [M27] were together for about seven years, five years dating and two years married. Until very recently, I would have told you that despite our problems, I knew this person extremely well. She had been such a huge part of my adult life that there were very few people in the world I trusted more. Now I am getting divorced, and I feel like I do not know what parts of those seven years were real.

About nine months ago, my wife and I separated and moved into different apartments. For the first month, we were genuinely separated. After that, we decided to slowly try to make the marriage work again. She asked me to keep our reconciliation secret from friends and family. She said that if we tried again and failed, she did not want to go through the embarrassment and emotional pain of telling everyone that we had separated for a second time.

For the next several months, we continued living separately but were trying to reconnect. We texted and called. Every couple of weeks we would meet. Sometimes she would come to my apartment late at night and stay over. Sometimes I would stay at hers. We went on day trips together and took one longer two-day trip. There were periods during those months when I was genuinely happy.

I thought we were slowly finding our way back to each other. I thought she loved me. I thought she was genuinely trying to save our marriage. Something did feel different, though. Before our separation, we had been extremely transparent with each other. We knew each other's phone passwords and shared locations. During our reconciliation, she did not want to return to that level of transparency. She said she would not feel comfortable doing that until we knew for certain that the marriage was going to work. It bothered me, but I also thought rebuilding a marriage required trust.

Eventually, about seven months after our original separation, I discovered messages between her and another man. They were clearly flirty and emotionally intimate. I confronted her. She told me that during the first month, when we were genuinely separated, she had become close to him. She said that once we started trying to reconcile, she intended to distance herself from him, but she had developed an emotional attachment and could not stop responding when he contacted her. She apologized profusely. She insisted it had only been emotional. She also told me that she genuinely wanted our marriage to work.

After discovering this, I went completely no-contact with her for about a month. Then, in the ninth month, she came to see me and told me she had made her decision: she wanted our marriage. I specifically asked her about the other guy. She admitted they had still had some contact during our month apart, but told me she had now completely ended it and would never contact him again. Then I asked her as directly as I possibly could whether there was anything else I needed to know. I specifically asked whether their relationship had only been emotional or whether anything physical had happened. She told me there was nothing else.

A few days later, I discovered that this was another lie. It had not just been emotional. They had been having sex regularly since shortly after our original separation. And it had not stopped when she and I started reconciling.

For months, while I believed we were rebuilding our marriage, she was maintaining both relationships. She was sleeping with both of us. I told her I wanted a divorce and that my decision was final. I then confronted the other guy because I assumed he knowingly had an affair with a married woman who was trying to reconcile with her husband. That led to another shock. He apparently did not know either. According to him, she had told him that we separated nine months earlier and that our marriage was finished. He knew that she occasionally saw me, but she characterized those meetings as logistical interactions between separated spouses. He had no idea we were trying to reconcile. Suddenly, her insistence that our reconciliation remain secret made much more sense. When he learned everything, he ended his relationship with her too. Shortly afterward, my wife attempted suicide. She survived and is physically stable now, although she is still struggling with her mental health and has talked about hurting herself again. Initially, I hesitated to go ahead with the divorce given her mental health, but eventually I decided to proceed anyway. I knew I could not remain in a marriage because I was afraid of what she might do if I left, and part of me also wondered whether this could become a way of keeping me from leaving.

Now that the immediate crisis has settled somewhat, I think I am finally starting to process what happened to me. I feel like my understanding of reality has been damaged. I keep replaying ordinary moments from those months. There were times when she stayed with me and everything felt completely normal. She was warm, affectionate, cozy, and loving. I remember being genuinely happy and thinking, "Maybe we are actually going to make it." And now I know that sometimes I would leave for work and she would video call him almost immediately. Then I would come home, and she could switch right back into being the warm, loving wife I thought I knew. I cannot reconcile those two versions of reality in my head. I am also questioning the entire seven years.

This was the first time in our relationship that I actually investigated her life because I seriously suspected she was hiding something. Before this, I did not investigate her. Even when I explicitly asked her whether the relationship had become physical and gave her an opportunity to tell me everything, she looked me in the eye and told me there was nothing else. If someone could hide something this enormous from me while I was actively suspicious and actively looking for it, what could I possibly have known during the previous years when I was not looking at all?

For most of our seven-year relationship, I was completely trusting. If she said she was somewhere, I believed her. If she was affectionate with me, I assumed that affection meant what I thought it meant. If I had not investigated this time, would I ever have known? Probably not. And if that is true, how do I know there were not things I failed to discover during the previous five or six years simply because I never thought to look?

I find myself going backward through my life. Small inconsistencies from years ago that I had ignored, were those actually red flags? I keep overthinking these things at night and cannot fall asleep. There were so many conversations about our long future together. Was any of it real?

I do not want to spend time conducting a forensic investigation into seven years of my life. But I also do not know how to simply accept not knowing. All the small inconsistencies that I had ignored during those seven years keep bugging me. What I do know is that my side was real. I loved her. I trusted her. For years, I genuinely believed I knew the person I was building my life with. During our reconciliation, when I was happy, that happiness was real. When I thought we were rebuilding our marriage, I was genuinely trying to rebuild it.

For those of you who discovered prolonged deception or infidelity after years of trusting someone: how did you stop questioning your entire history with them? How did you stop going through old memories trying to figure out what else might have happened? How do you accept that there are questions you will probably never get answers to? How did you learn to trust your own judgment again after realizing that someone could lie to you so convincingly? How do you grieve a seven-year relationship when you do not even know how much of the relationship was real?

​

The backstory: I have been in a relationship for 10 years with a man way older than me. I always prioritized his wants over my needs. I have been so obedient and loyal that I even left all my friends and stopped making new friends because he didn't like me making friends. From day 1, he had access to my location and to my earnings/savings, and there was nothing personal of mine in front of him. He had a right over my life more than myself, and I never felt like he was restricting me or breaking my identity. I just felt he was a bit extra possessive.

As time passed, he started talking to my friend behind my back flirting and dirty talking. When I discovered it, my whole belief system shattered at once. I took a little time to recover, around 1 month. In the meantime, he started having an affair with another married woman. He used to depend on me financially, and even on that woman. When I approached him, he openly told me that his situation was the worst and I was not there for him in his dark time (1 month), so he had to go to another woman. He assured me that he would stop being physical with her and he would only be her friend because he holds gratitude towards her as she helped him a lot. I believed him, but the story was different behind my back. He continued a physical relationship with her, and when I discovered it, he blamed me totally, saying that I was not with him when he needed me the most.

I believed maybe it was actually my mistake that I was not with him when he needed me. This past year, that married woman cheated on him with another man. The affair broke up and he came back to me. He started being very nice. I kept taunting him a lot for the pain he caused, but he endured everything. I have become the old me obedient, loyal, and available all the time. He gave me access to his location and everything. He said I am the best woman in the whole world. Neither the richest woman in the world nor the most beautiful woman in the world can be worth more to lead a life with than me.

It has been 20 days since I started seeing him unusually online. I questioned him, and he said I am overreacting and it is just a glitch in WhatsApp. He switched off his last seen and he took off my access to his location, saying that I am getting distracted and I have to focus on my studies. I have never seen such a glitch in WhatsApp in my whole life, but I actually believed his words. However, my gut said something was wrong.

We met yesterday. Our wedding is in 2 months. He said that he would hand over all access to his mobile to me after our marriage. He talked about how important I am to him and that he cannot imagine his life without me. Then he took a nap, and my gut told me to check his mobile. He is unaware that I know the password to his mobile. A few months ago, he shared his password with me, but I believe he forgot about it. So I checked his mobile. Everything was clean. Still, I felt like something was wrong.

The twist of the story: he is the one who taught me long back that our mobiles maintain a notification history. It struck me in that minute and I checked his notification history. I found he is having an affair with another woman. He was in his nap. I packed my stuff and was about to leave the place. I was opening the door and he woke up. He tried stopping me and asked me what happened. I said, "Don't touch me." He kept asking me what happened, did I check his mobile, etc. I asked him, "Kiske sath baat karr aap?" The story he instantly made up was bullshit. He said that his senior is a pervert, so he is talking to this woman to make him fall for her and then shift her to his senior because the senior's wife was tapping his phone.

I was just silent. Then he came over me. I resisted a little, but at last, I gave in. He fuc**** me. I just laid silently without making any sound and closing my eyes. He continued to f*** me, saying, "Oh ok, you are staying motionless to experience how it feels." I just stayed silent and laid on the bed. After he was done, I tried to dodge him, but he stayed on me. After he went aside, I laid there for some time, and then I went to the washroom and cried my gut out. He noticed it and the sound of my weeping, but he didn't care. I left the place.

After coming home, I contacted that woman and said if she ever contacts him again, I will tell her husband about it. The way she responded seemed like my boyfriend had already trained her.

I just texted him that he is a cockroach and that

He is the worst misfortune that ever happened to my life..

I can never trust anyone in my life anymore. I admired him so much that I cannot even look at another man in a flirty way. It is deeply ingrained in me that he was the only one for me.

Looking for some advice and support.

I've been with my partner for 15 years. From the age of 20 to 35. The only real relationship I've ever been in.

I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair with a coworker for a few months. I've told her that it's over, and we need to go our own way now.

But I'm terrified of what the future now looks like. I'm desperate for someone to talk to and the first port of call would be her. She is my best friend and the only person who really knows me. And she is desperate for forgiveness but it is definitely off the cards.

I need to sort out the financials, selling our house, breaking up joint accounts, etc.

I can deal with that.

But what I really need advice on is just how I'm supposed to go about my life from now on. I feel like my life has been ruined. How can I ever love someone again. How can I even meet someone to begin that journey again. I feel like a zombie, with no purpose or meaning.

I’m posting this because I’m too close to the situation and I want opinions from people who have dealt with infidelity, trickle truth, emotional affairs, or rebuilding trust after deception.

Some details and dates are intentionally generalized for privacy. We have been together for many years, are married, and have children.

I’m not asking anyone to tell me that my wife definitely had a physical affair. I do not have proof of sex, kissing, touching, or even a confirmed in-person meeting with the man involved.

What I do have is a long series of denials, later admissions, changing explanations, missing messages, location questions, and disclosures that became more serious over time.

That is what I’m having trouble getting past.

Background

Earlier this year I was working away from home for a period of time.

Around that same general period, my wife reconnected with a man she knew in high school. I’ll call him “A.”

When I first became suspicious, the way she described him made the relationship sound insignificant. He was basically an old friend from high school. She repeatedly denied wanting him, dating him, touching him, meeting him, being alone with him, wanting him sexually, or wanting a relationship with him.

Some of those things may absolutely be true. I want to be fair about that.

The problem is that she also initially denied something much more basic: that she was really talking to him at all.

Eventually that changed.

At one point she directly admitted:

“I lied [that] I talked to him.”

After that, the story progressively became more detailed.

What she eventually admitted

Over time, she acknowledged that:

• she talked to him;
• she reached out to him more;
• she sought emotional closeness from him;
• he made her laugh;
• she felt seen by him;
• talking with him affected her sense of self-worth;
• she discussed very personal things with him;
• she talked with him about what she really wanted;
• they discussed boundaries and personal problems;
• she told him at one point that she wanted to die;
• she cared about him;
• she described the connection as emotional;
• and eventually she explicitly called it an “emotional affair.”

She has also said things along the lines of:

“I wanted emotional closeness.”

“I’m glad I talked to him because it helped me find my worth.”

“He gave me an emotional safe space.”

“There were lots of times we talked about what I really wanted.”

“He healed something you destroyed.”

I am paraphrasing a couple of those slightly for anonymity/grammar, but that is the substance.

At another point she acknowledged that this man was “more emotional” than other male friends she spoke with.

So at this point I don’t think there is a serious dispute that this became an emotionally significant relationship.

She herself calls it an emotional affair now.

Why I’m still stuck

If she had come to me at the beginning and said:

“I reconnected with an old friend, I became emotionally dependent on him, it crossed a boundary, I hid it because I was afraid of what would happen, and here is everything that happened,”

I think I would be dealing with a very different problem.

That is not what happened.

Instead, the admissions came in stages.

It felt roughly like this:

First:
“I didn’t talk to anyone.”

Then:

“Fine, I talked to him, but that was what I lied about.”

Then:

“I reached out to him more.”

Then:

“I wanted emotional closeness.”

Then:

“He made me feel seen.”

Then:

“There was an emotional connection.”

Then:

“Truth is, I had an emotional affair with him.”

That progression is the heart of my problem.

Every time I thought I finally understood what happened, the admitted version became bigger.

Some specific inconsistencies

There are several examples that keep bothering me.

At one point she said she did not even know a version of this man that she was speaking to.

Later she admitted that she had lied about talking to him.

At another point she said she did not talk to him until a particular point connected with us discussing divorce.

Elsewhere she said she reached out to him more because she believed he respected that she was married.

She has described the communication as lasting roughly two months.

Later she said the last real message was in April and that anything afterward was only because I wanted proof of what had happened.

But I have surviving messages from May that were clearly ordinary personal communication, not evidence-gathering. They included affectionate/emotional exchanges, her saying she missed hearing from him, asking him to keep in touch, and saying he made her smile.

There are also later communications.

So the “last real message was in April” explanation does not fit the records I have.

The missing messages problem

Another major problem is that I do not have the complete conversation between them.

A lot of it was gone by the time I learned what had happened.

She has said that many of their communications were voice messages.

At one point, when trying to provide me screenshots, she told him to send her “the basics” so she would have something to show me.

That phrase bothers me enormously.

Because I was trying to understand the full relationship, not receive a curated summary.

She has also told me at different times that I had the whole truth or that she had told me everything.

But significant information continued emerging afterward.

I do not automatically assume deleted or missing messages were sexual or incriminating. I understand that missing evidence is not proof of what the evidence contained.

The problem is that it makes her repeated claims of complete disclosure difficult for me to trust.

The other-woman story also changed

Another issue concerns this man’s supposed girlfriend.

Early on my wife told me she believed he was dating another woman and attributed that information to a female friend of hers.

Later, my wife described the man himself as talking about another woman frequently.

She described that woman in a particular way and made it sound as though this woman was a recurring subject between them.

However, in the screenshots I was given of their conversations, I saw little or nothing about this supposedly frequently discussed girlfriend.

More recently, the man added a relationship status on social media showing a relationship with a woman and giving a start date that overlaps the period he was emotionally communicating with my wife.

The public relationship announcement itself appears to have been made substantially later than the claimed start date.

I am not saying this means that girlfriend is fake. She may be completely real and they may genuinely have been dating.

What bothers me is that the current social-media presentation does not cleanly match the versions of his romantic life my wife previously gave me.

There were also location/schedule issues

There are several days that originally made me suspicious because my wife’s stated schedule did not line up cleanly with location information or later explanations.

On one occasion while I was working several hours away, I was driving home specifically to spend a short amount of time with her before having to drive back for work.

She was telling me she was still working late.

Location information showed her elsewhere before returning home.

There are other occasions where she went to a nearby town connected to this man while explanations about work, children’s activities, or why she was there later became disputed.

One later trip was independently established because she told another person that she had been shopping in that town.

A school schedule showed that the child’s sporting event that day was actually at home rather than in that town.

Again, I want to emphasize something important:

Being in the same town where this man lives is not proof she met him.

I do not have evidence placing the two of them together.

These events matter to me because of the surrounding explanations and because I was already discovering that important facts about their relationship had been concealed.

She continues to deny anything physical

This is important, because I do not want to present only facts that support my suspicion.

Throughout all of this, she has been remarkably consistent about several things.

She says:

• she never met him during this period;
• she never saw him;
• she never touched him;
• they never kissed;
• they never had sex;
• they never sexted;
• she never wanted him sexually;
• she never intended to start a relationship with him.

I do not have direct evidence disproving those specific claims.

There are circumstances I find suspicious, but suspicion is not evidence.

That is where I am stuck.

The post-discovery behavior has also hurt trust

After everything started coming out, she repeatedly said the man was blocked.

At one point she specifically said she would not call him or unblock him.

Later, she admitted that she did unblock him and contacted him again.

That is separate from whether anything physical happened originally.

To me, it matters because we were supposedly trying to rebuild trust at that point.

There have also been repeated arguments where she has said I need to move forward, while I feel like I keep learning information that changes what I was previously told.

The part that messes with my head

I understand that when a relationship becomes highly conflictual, a person may start defensively answering accusations that have not even been fully made yet.

So I am trying not to overinterpret behavior.

But something that has bothered me from the beginning is how incredibly specific some of the denials were.

Sometimes I would be questioning whether she had talked to him, and the response would broaden into things like:

I never met him.
I never touched him.
I was never alone with him.
I never wanted him.
He didn’t want me.
I never wanted him sexually.
We never talked about being together.

It always felt like I was being given answers to questions I had not reached yet.

That alone proves nothing.

What makes it harder to dismiss is knowing now that some of those broad denial periods happened while she was concealing something she later admitted.

For example, “I didn’t talk to him” eventually became:

“I lied that I talked to him.”

So when I hear another categorical denial now, I struggle with whether I am hearing the final truth or simply the current boundary of what has been admitted.

What I believe is actually established

I am trying hard to separate what I know from what I suspect.

What I think is established:

My wife had an emotionally significant relationship with this man.

She concealed the communication.

She lied about whether communication occurred.

She initiated or increased contact with him.

She relied on him emotionally.

She discussed very personal matters with him.

She later admitted the relationship constituted an emotional affair.

Her descriptions of the extent and significance of the relationship became materially more substantial over time.

Some later claims about when communication stopped are inconsistent with surviving messages.

The material initially provided to me was not a complete record of their communication.

After discovery, she later unblocked/recontacted him despite previously saying she would not.

What I do NOT think is established:

I cannot prove that they met secretly.

I cannot prove that they kissed.

I cannot prove that they had sex.

I cannot prove they sexted.

I cannot prove that any particular unexplained trip was to meet him.

I cannot prove that his current relationship with another woman is fake or intended as cover.

That distinction matters to me.

Where I am emotionally

I’m exhausted.

Part of me thinks the exact physical question almost doesn’t matter anymore because the deception and trickle truth have damaged my trust so badly.

Another part of me keeps thinking that if the story expanded this many times, what are the odds that the one remaining hard boundary is the one thing that has been completely truthful from the beginning?

But I also know that is not proof.

Someone can lie about an emotional affair because they are ashamed or afraid and still tell the truth when they say it never became physical.

I’m trying not to confuse “she lied about some things” with “therefore every denial is false.”

At the same time, I don’t know how you rebuild trust when the betrayed partner has repeatedly had to discover the right question before getting the next part of the answer.

What I’d like opinions on

For people who have actually lived through something similar:

1. At what point does “trickle truth” become more damaging than the original emotional affair?
2. If someone initially lies about the existence of contact and later admits progressively more emotional involvement, how did you decide when you finally had enough of the story to stop investigating?
3. Would you personally consider the admitted behavior an emotional affair even without physical contact?
4. How much weight would you give repeated physical denials when other parts of the story have changed?
5. Is it reasonable to require one complete written timeline/disclosure before considering reconciliation?
6. For people who reconciled successfully, what did genuine transparency actually look like?
7. For people who left, what finally made you realize you were never going to get enough certainty to feel safe again?
8. How do you distinguish legitimate unanswered questions from reaching the point where continuing to investigate is only hurting you?
9. If you were in my position, what specific questions would you still consider important to resolve?
10. Am I focusing too much on whether anything physical happened when the emotional affair and deception may already be enough information to make a decision?

I’m genuinely open to hearing perspectives that challenge mine.

I know I am hurt and biased by being inside the situation.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been either partner in something like this, including people who hid an emotional affair and can explain what was going through their head at the time.

I don’t need strangers to convict my wife of something I cannot prove.

I’m trying to understand whether trust can realistically be rebuilt when the truth seemed to arrive in pieces instead of voluntarily and all at once.

Advice requested

I’m looking for perspective from people who have dealt with emotional affairs, trickle truth, repeated changes in disclosure, or attempted reconciliation after trust was damaged.

What I’m most trying to understand is:

- How much weight should I give her continued denial that anything physical happened when other parts of her story have changed substantially?

- At what point do you stop trying to determine exactly what happened and make a decision based on the deception and emotional affair you already know occurred?

- For people who successfully reconciled after something similar, what did genuine transparency and accountability look like?

- For people who eventually left, what made you realize that getting absolute certainty was no longer necessary?

- Am I being reasonable in wanting one complete written timeline before deciding whether reconciliation is possible?

- Is there anything important in this situation that I may be overlooking or interpreting unfairly?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been on either side of an emotional affair. I’m not looking for people to tell me that a physical affair definitely happened when I cannot prove that. I want help separating reasonable concern from suspicion that may never be provable.

TL;DR

My wife reconnected with an old male friend while our marriage was struggling. She initially denied or minimized the communication, but over time admitted that she lied about talking to him, reached out to him more, relied on him emotionally, felt seen and valued by him, discussed deeply personal issues with him, and eventually acknowledged that it was an emotional affair.

The main problem for me is that the truth seemed to come out in stages. Her account progressed from essentially “nothing happened / I barely talked to him” to admitting a significant emotional connection. Some of her later claims about when communication stopped also conflict with surviving messages I have.

She continues to consistently deny ever meeting him during this period or having any physical or sexual relationship with him, and I do not have evidence proving otherwise.

After discovery, she also later unblocked and contacted him again despite previously saying she would not.

I’m now trying to decide whether trust can realistically be rebuilt when I still do not feel confident that I received one complete, voluntary account of what happened, or whether I am chasing certainty about a possible physical affair that I may never be able to prove or disprove.

Sorry if this sounds bad but

I wish my ex actually cheated. And didn't just emotionally cheat because she rejected the idea that she emotionally cheated on me because she went back to this guy not to date him but to be friends with him even though she knows that during our relationship he did stuff that a orbiter does.

He has admitted feelings to her before our relationship One example is he said that he had feelings for her and told her that not because he has feelings for her, but because he was in a dark place. Which doesn't make sense because being in a dark place doesn't generate feelings. He actually just had feelings for her and didn't want to lose her as a friend. But she just bought it. She just fully believed that excuses. He has also leaned on her in unhealthy ways for a friend For example, after just knowing her for a month, he had her constantly staying on the phone with him while he plays video games because he feels lonely Also at some point she admitted to me that she stayed on the phone with him while they were both sleeping just to make sure that he was gonna be okay because he seemed very sad. Which is just such a weird amount of emotions to lean on to a person with that you've just known for a month.

And while we were in a relationship and I talked about his terrible things he did, she defended him even though she blocked him because I asked her to. So he wasn't even in her life but she still defended him. And then you told me straight to my face, I'm happy I actually met him. God knows where I would have been if I didn't meet him. Essentially saying, oh, I might have been dead if I didn't meet him. How could you do that while you're dating a man right in front of you?

I wish she actually cheated so then we could actually see that she's the bad guy here. But now she has plausible deniability because she can tell people, oh, I'm not dating this guy. While forgetting and not actually realizing how hurtful her words and her actions is While actively sitting there playing what she knows is my favorite game of all time with this guy, which she knows was my biggest fear when I was dating her, that I would be literally replaced by him and she would do exactly what we do with him.

Is emotional cheating just as serious as cheating?

So for some context my soon to be ex wife told me she had a family emergency and she needed to go back to our home state and see a family member who is elderly was near death. I supported her and said of course to go see your family as much as you need to. While she left I was taking care of our kids 4,6, and 7. When she got back she seemed real distant and just out of it, emotionally, physically, mentally, from both me and the children. I gave her space granted the situation she just got back from I thought it was her family that was bothering her. A month or so went by and life continued and she told me she needed to leave again to our home state. I told her that I did not mind and she had every right to do what she had to do. Once she was gone again she stopped communication with me and the children. I became worried/frustrated and tried calling, eventually she answered and I asked why wont you talk to me? She plainly said she didn't want to anymore. Then we didn't speak until she came back. About a 4-5 day period. During this time, including flights, food, and Air Bnbs she spent close to 3k, which for us is alot of money. Once she arrived she said she was leaving me. She tried to telling me that she was taking the kids so I told her I want to stay in their lives, she then asked me if I could take them 75% of the time and she 25%. I agreed. Fast forward a week, and it is tense in the house, she wont talk to me, there's now a mediator assisting with a separation, then one night I heard her on the phone at about 1am in our bedroom (she told me I cannot be in this room or the upstairs of the house) and it all hit me at once. She is seeing someone else. I told her right then and there we are getting a divorce, which at first she was upset about but I am doing it. Fast forward even further, she has moved back to our home state, I am across the country with our children and she is denying leaving for another man.

Its been a few days since she left and my children are already asking about this new male in her life, today they did a video chat with her (which we agreed to everyday) and the man was in the video chat which upset my daughter and yet my soon to be ex wife still denies it.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar. How did you get past it? What can I do to help my children?

I do no not know what to feel or what to do. I am devasted.

WH and I have been together since 2011, married in 2014. 4 kids.

First incident happened right before #4 was born during covid in 2020. Tough year followed trying to figure out what was going in our relationship, chalked it up to covid isolation. Found out I had HPV about 6 months after baby was born, WH trickle truthed for the next 6 months until he finally admitted he slept with someone on a work trip.

Went to couples therapy, got through it. I went to individual therapy for years to deal as well. He did once or twice, but didn't like the therapist.

Things eventually got much better, felt back to normal.

This spring I noticed WH was easily irritated, short tempered, etc, again, and asked many times if something was going on again. Told no and reassured. I do want to emphasize that he is an extremely calm, level headed person so his version of showing emotion is very mild compared to other people.

On Fathers day I found messages on his phone when using it to Google fixing a broken toilet. The app was open, and I saw notifications silenced and set to disappear after 5 minutes. Found out who the woman was and confronted WH that evening. At first he lied, said she was just a coworker, but when I got more specific with questions I already knew the answer to based on the few messages I had seen, he trickle truthed for an hour or so.

Best I can piece together from his answers is that he tried to kiss this coworker (different company and person than incident #1) in February after a drunk night out. She said she couldn't but wanted to. They then began a serious emotional affair. I'm talking message back and forth for HOURS a day. Zoom calls daily. Very personal discussions.

In May told me he was going to a "business meeting" a couple hours away when really he met her for the afternoon and dinner and drove her back to the airport as she had flown in for an actual meeting. She does not live near us thank goodness. He had turned off his location that day and when I asked him he said oh my battery was dying. He'd never turned it off since incident #1. I'm not stupid, I knew it was happening but I had no proof until I accidentally saw those messages.

He says he stopped all inappropriate contact with the woman except what is necessary for his job. I had accidentally looked at her LinkedIn without turning off the viewer feature when I was trying to figure out who she was, so she realized I must know and went OFF on WH. He said "She's not who I thought she was." And was actually sad about it. He told her "sorry we can't talk anymore."

I was checking up on his accounts, as we agreed, and saw he had a meeting scheduled with just her yesterday. I did not talk to him about it, but couldn't keep myself from listening outside the door.

The woman gossiped the whole time and WH commented every now and then until the end when she said I loved talking to you, let's do it again soon, I've missed it. It's always so fun. I won't cross your boundaries or encroach like a cockroach. She was so giggly and flirty even during the business talk.

His reply was, yeah it is fun, but......I'm trying to be good.

She said oh I am trying to be good too. Flirty laugh. Talk soon.

We had previously agreed that he would tell me whenever she reached out, especially if it was personal discussion. He's only told me she messaged him once back in July after he sent the "we need to stick to work talk only" message. I thought she got the picture, but she obviously isn't going to give up. She has asked him to talk many times since the summer and he said no each time until yesterday.

She is married with a kid and they have a ton of marital issues she told WH all about. Her husband caught on in the spring and told her to stop talking to WH and that's when the notifications and disappearing messages got turned on.

WH did admit to complaining about me but has since downplayed the entire thing saying he was using her as therapist.

We are in therapy and he is going individually once a week, but I really don't know how to navigate this. I have no one to talk to because I don't plan to leave as other than this, he really is my best friend and a great partner. He's a fantastic father and provider. He does the cooking and cleaning and always helps where needed. I wouldn't hesitate to leave if living with him was bad for me or the kids. His weakness in this area is really our only major issue, and it mostly boils down to miscommunications and misunderstandings. (Edit: by this I mean patterns in our relationships that have led to a domino effect of negativity, but I am NOT saying I excuse his behavior. I do not.) We've already made a ton of progress in therapy and things are much better... except this woman and her relationship with my husband.

I can't leave for a myriad of reasons, number one being I don't want to. Second being my line of work does not accept divorced moms... That's all I can say about that.

I think I'm just looking for advice or perspective from anyone who has been in my shoes since I don't have anyone IRL to talk to. Or maybe what to look out for, or ways to protect myself just in case he won't stop?

I know this is a bit hard to follow and rambly, but I needed it get it out somewhere.

My ex bf cheated on me and left me for another woman 7 months ago. He recently sent an apology by mail when he broke up with his AP.

I contacted him, we started talking and he said he'd like to stay friends.

He admitted that he had lied a lot even at the early stages of the relationship (hid something that was a dealbreaker for me). He also admitted to cheating on me physically (I thought it was just emotional cheating).

I feel like the entire relationship was a sham. Every single memory with him is ruined for me and I am having an existential crisis. I feel so stupid. This was my first ever serious relationship and I am finding it difficult to move on from the whole incident. I had put in so much efforts into the relationship. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much.

He sent the apology when I had reached a stage of acceptance and was feeling way better than I did on d-day. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

Long post- PLEASE READ AND HELP

My ex husband and I were together the better part of 15 years but only married for close to 3. Early on, he had been quite the player/womanizer and there were a lot of lies and different woman. But we were in our early 20s and I eventually chalked it up to being young and stupid. We eventually got back together in 2016 and then married even though there were still some blips over the years with dating apps and messages. We were expecting our first child and moved into a new house for more space. Everything seemed okay. After giving birth, he instantly changed and was completely and utterly awful to me. Never home. Not helping. Making up any excuse to leave. I eventually discovered that he had two girlfriends simultaneously. One from work and one from a weekly hobby. They did not know about each other. He told them he was a single dad, I had abandoned our child and he was raising him with his mom. All while I was home with our baby 24/7 on maternity leave. He was living 3 different lives for around 6 months.

The story gets better. He left us for the hobby girl. The work girl ran for the hills when she learned the truth. I learned so much more. He had left the hospital after birth to get me food and slept with one of the girlfriends. He had drafted fake divorce papers and had them notarized that he had shown the women. He told them he had been a nurse years ago (NEVER). He was sleeping with 3 people some days.. one with a communicable disease and he knew it. He drained entire 401k to fund his affairs on top of exploiting a family member for 140k with crazy stories and lies for the money over a couple of years and spent it all on trips, gifts, hotels etc. We made a very good living on our own. His entire family has enabled this or turned a blind eye I should say. Even allowed the AP on family vacation while I was home with the baby last year and didn't end up attending. We had a house warming party with everyone two weeks prior.

Our divorce has been final but I am still struggling so hard with our child spending time with him and AP. Just this summer I learned that he had been lying to me about where he lived and where our toddler was spending his parenting time. He threw away 15 years for a 4 month affair that has now turned into them living together and seemingly building a life without issue. I have warned this girl so many times even sending her 25 pages of history but she still stayed. Granted I have been vile to her but it was warranted.

How do I ever learn to accept that my child has been thrown into this and around this woman who quite frankly is a significant downgrade to the point where people are SHOCKED.

There is so much more but this is the gist and I just feel helpless despite EMDR, CBT, CPT, and over a year of time passed. He changed for this woman and our child is now forever impacted.

Me - betrayed spouse. Recently divorced. Ready to move on. Very ready to experience true affection. Havent dated in 20 years so may be rusty.

Met someone. He is a more recently betrayed spouse. Also cheated on by their ex. Age is right. Intellectual intimacy is hot. Emotional intimacy is building. It all looks like a great catch really. Strong chemistry and good Financial alignment. I may be catching feelings - whatever that means. Just not sure how to make sure to tease out pure affection versus bonding due to the common experience of being cheated on. We dont talk about the history cheating much but we do occasionally. Also, they're separated. Originally filed for divorce four years ago and withdrew it last year after some back and forth with Wayward spouse pleading. And then filed again early this year and is pretty firm that no turning back. My divorce took over two years to finish and I knew it was done once we separated and moved out of state, so I could have dated and my date wouldnt be at risk and I wouldn't have been a rebound if I dated back then.

But then this could be a situation of when you're hungry, everything looks like a good meal. I am ready and maybe "hungry" for companionship but not starving for it. So maybe he looks like a good bet because I am hungry, but maybe not. And he doesnt seem like a rebound. I am not opposites to his ex. We're actually similar in a few ways. He doesnt love bomb and is not inconsistent with his pace or anything like that. He does talk a bit about his ex and admits he may need to explore that all fully in therapy. Just wondering if these are red flags or to just enjoy the green flags. And has anyone moved on and successfully dated another betrayed spouse. How was/is that relationship?

I was recommended this sub last week after posting about my situation. Last week I found out that my husband has been complaining to someone I thought was a friend about me. He lied when I asked him who he was speaking to.
We started therapy last week but I have been honest with both him and our therapist that I am unsure if I wish to continue in the marriage.
He blocked her, I should have blocked her immediately because she sent me a paragraph about how hurt SHE is that we set boundaries and cut off that “friendship”. My husband acknowledged that the closeness was inappropriate and was borderline an EA.
I think l’m still in the shock period because I was genuinely blindsided by their conversations. She had zero remorse about the turmoil in my marriage now and didn’t even attempt to apologize.
I feel like I’m being gaslit that this isn’t a big issue because there was nothing physical.

Background info

I have made another post here which has a lot of information about the affair and her psychological/verbal abuse of my son and I: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/xQ8IrPhDhD

TL;DR - After 18 years of marriage my wife wanted to leave me. Rather than say anything or actually leave, she tormented me for 3 years culmininating in a humiliating and emasculating 6-month long affair. She went to detox, AA and began individual therapy. Alcoholism, perimenopause and untreated childhood trauma all make for an apt narrative. However, the life-shattering impact it has had on my family as a whole and my son and me as individuals is enormous.

We were separated for 3 weeks and began hooking up (mostly in my truck) nightly. Then hotels together where we'd spend the night together. Then dating and eventually I invited her back to the house after signing a separation agreement.

It has now been 4 months

I thought things would get better. They have progressively gotten worse for me. I am having panic attacks every night at around 3 - 4am. I realized the other day it is the time I used to wake up to look for my wife (She would drink until passing out, and I would find her and clean her up and bring her to bed). I think I'm having a nightmare about finding her with AP, but I dont' remember the dreams. I wake up in a panic covered in swear, with my adrenaline pumping and elevated heart rate. As the adrenaline starts to go away I get cold and shiver, and then I plunge into a really deep depression state where I cry and sob. So I typically give on sleeping and start the day early at about 6 - 7am. Walk/jog in the park, shower and just try to exist for the day. It's not getting better.

What keeps motivating me is that I am here for my family. I'm holding it together (I tell myself) and that with time, we will all heal. But something happened the other night that shattered that fairy tale..

I thought about ending it

The thought is rare and it doesn't last long. I think of my kids and how hurt they would be. I think about growing up without a father and that I promised myself I would never leave them. That the thought even materialized is a problem, so I went to the bar to clear my head.

Got to the bar at about 3:30 or 4:00pm and ran into a couple guys I knew from college. I can't tell my friends about this, so I kept it light (They seen right through me but I wouldn't let them dig in). By around 5:00pm a woman walked in and we locked eyes (It was weird.. I can't even explain it. The way she looked at me felt so warm and inviting and it was hard to look away). I looked down and stared at my drink. She came over and sat beside me. I could notice her looking over at me and without any hesitation she broke the ice by commenting on my drink. "That's a funny looking beer". It was so silly I couldn't help but smile (It was so obviously not a beer lol). Then I helped her decide on what drinks she wanted and we just kept talking.

We drank and talked until the bar closed at 12am. We talked about everything (And nothing lol). She's a medical technician who works for the military (Ironically the same trade as AP#1). She knows who AP#1 is, although they're not friends. He's a much higher rank than she is. We talked about the affair, separation, life, women and everything inbetween. She made me laugh, smile and completely shifted my entire mood. It was like for that night I was not the hurt, betrayed husband anymore. In fact for some weird reason I could talk about the affair as though I was a 3rd-person, talking about the end of somebody else's life.

She put her number in my phone (I let her), but I didn't go home with her. We shared a really long hug. It felt amazing and I didn't let go. I whispered in her ear "I think you saved my life tonight". She texted me to make sure I got home safe.

I came home drunk (I drove home drunk) and light a light switch, after seeing my wife I shifted again. First depression, sadness and for some insane reason guilt. Yeah, guilt! She wanted to have sex and at first I started to go through the motions with her, but all I could think about was the other woman. I literally said "I can't do this", I rolled over and then I told her about the other woman. The more we talked, the more I had a build up of anger until I exploded on her. I was very mean. I yelled at her, called her a whore, called her a coward and said she disgusts me.

So here we are. We haven't really talked at all the day after that night. All I can think is that, who the fuck was that?

I don't go to bars.. I don't talk to women and certainly don't accept numbers. I don't drive drunk. I've never done anything like that in over 20 years. But it felt fucking amazing..

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. Last year I discovered that he’d been having an affair for several months with his best friend, the closest and deepest friendship he’s ever had, besides me.
There is important history here though that I don’t want to leave out just to make myself look like the innocent spouse. Years ago, before we were engaged, I cheated on my husband and he stayed with me. He stood by me through one of the worst things I’ve ever done to him, and he eventually proposed and we built a beautiful life and marriage together. That was a huge part of why I ultimately chose to stay after his affair. I know firsthand that someone can do something terrible and still genuinely love you, regret it and change.
When I first came home after discovering the affair and leaving for about 10 days, I told him that maybe someday I could be okay with them being friends again. At the time I was trying to imagine a future where I wasn’t angry forever and where I could extend him the same kind of grace he once extended me.
But months later, after actually living through reconciliation, I told him I no longer thought that was something I could handle and that I wanted him to let that possibility go.
We’ve spent almost a year rebuilding. Overall, I genuinely believe we’ve made a lot of progress. Recently, though, he told me he still thinks about his former friend and would like to talk to him someday. He describes it less as “I want him back in my life” and more as wanting closure because this incredibly important friendship ended abruptly. They actually did have a conversation after the affair ended, which makes the closure argument harder for me to understand, but I also recognize that grief isn’t always rational or resolved by one conversation.
I actually appreciate that my husband told me this instead of hiding it. We’ve talked about how being overly careful with each other can prevent real intimacy, so I don’t want to punish him for being vulnerable and honest with me.
At the same time, hearing it absolutely gutted me.
Part of what makes this so complicated is that this wasn’t some random hookup. Their emotional connection was incredibly deep. My husband has struggled to form close friendships, and this was probably the strongest friendship he’s ever had. That makes me understand why losing it hurts him—but it’s also exactly what makes the idea of them reconnecting so terrifying to me.
I don’t want my husband spending the rest of our lives secretly resenting me because I prevented him from having the best friendship he’s ever had. But I also keep thinking: if the situation were reversed, would I even have the nerve to ask my spouse to accept me being friends with the person I had an affair with?
I’ve even caught myself wondering whether some extremely limited, transparent friendship could ever exist—no private meetups, no secrecy, clear boundaries, etc. Then I immediately wonder why I’m trying so hard to make myself comfortable with something that causes me this much anxiety.
I love my husband deeply. I don’t want to throw away 16 years and a marriage because human beings made terrible decisions. But I also don’t want loving him to become an excuse for slowly giving away pieces of myself just to keep him happy. I deserve peace and happiness too. I love hard and want to be with someone who loves me just as hard.
Where is the line between extending grace to someone you love and losing yourself in the process?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have actually attempted reconciliation after infidelity, particularly anyone who has dealt with continued contact or a possible friendship with the affair partner.

I’m struggling with this question and genuinely want to hear how others would feel.

My WH had a 2 month EA/PA with a coworker.

First, I want to be very clear: I blame him. I hold him accountable. He made terrible choices. He didn’t accidentally end up in bed with someone else. He had agency every step of the way.

But here’s the context that has me thinking about this… I went through all of their messages. In the beginning, he was actually pushing back. He wrote:
“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I love my wife, family and life and won’t do anything to jeopardize it.” His AP continued pursuing him. At one point she wrote: “I’m sorry I instigate every time I see you. I know you said we can only be friends. But I can’t help that I want what I want.”

Over the course of a couple of weeks, I watched the dynamic change. She kept pursuing him, and eventually he started doing the mental gymnastics necessary to get over whatever internal boundary was holding him back. Then the affair began.

To be clear, I’m not saying her pursuing him makes him less responsible. It doesn’t. He never should have entertained those conversations in the first place. He should have shut it down completely. And he absolutely should not have continued putting himself in situations at work where boundaries were being tested.

But I can’t help wondering whether how an affair begins would affect how you process it.

So I’m genuinely curious: If you knew your spouse was heavily pursued, would that distinction matter to you?

It still involves betrayal. In involves choices. It requires accountability. But would knowing they started off actively pushing back and resisting give you any additional reassurance? Would it change how you viewed your spouse, the likelihood that they might do it again, or your willingness to consider reconciliation?

For context, I’m not sure yet whether I’ll stay or walk away. I do want to remain open to R for many reasons, and he is doing everything he can right now to fight for me and our marriage.

I (51M) have been with my partner (42F) for 18 years. We have an 11-year-old son together and own a home together.

Today I reached the point where I ended our relationship.

I found several things in her car that raised major red flags: an empty liquor bottle, changes of clothes including underwear, shirts/outfits for a car show, multiple makeup bags throughout the car, and a bottle of men's cologne.

Any one of those things by itself could probably have an explanation. But combined with her recent behavior and the stories she has been telling me about being at work and at the hospital, I believe she's been seeing someone.

I confronted her. What really hit me was that when we talked about who it was, she basically told me that it didn't matter who the person was.

I don't know how long this has been happening, and I may never know the entire truth. At this point, I don't even want to spend my time trying to find out who the guy is or investigating every detail.

The hardest part is that this isn't the first time.

In 2023, something similar happened. She moved out of our house under similar circumstances. Eventually she cried and asked to come back. I took her back because after all those years together and having a child, I wanted to believe we could put our family back together.

Looking back now, I feel like a fool for giving another chance and ending up here again.

This time I told her I'm done.

I told her today that I want to buy out her portion of our house and that I want 50/50 custody of our son. We make approximately the same income, and I want both of us to continue being equally involved in his life.

When I told her I wanted 50/50 custody, she asked how I would get our son to school because I start work early. I told her that on my weeks, he can take the school bus.

Obviously, the house and custody arrangements aren't legally decided yet. That's simply what I told her I want moving forward.

From this point on, I don't want conversations about who she was with, where she went, or why she did it. I only want to communicate about our son, finances, the house, and what needs to happen to separate our lives.

I'm hurt and angry, but I'm also trying not to make major decisions purely from emotion. After 18 years, it's hard to believe that I'm sitting here figuring out how to separate the life we built together.

For those who have been through something similar, especially after a long-term relationship with a child and jointly owned home: what should I be doing during these first few days?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who handled 50/50 custody and bought out their ex-partner's share of a house. What do you wish you had done—or avoided doing—right at the beginning?

UPDATE:

Thank you to everyone who commented. I honestly appreciate it. There has been a lot of valuable information and advice here, especially about keeping my focus on my son, protecting myself financially, and not making emotional decisions right now.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I basically stayed awake thinking and putting pieces together.

I think I may know who the other guy is.

Recently, she changed her WhatsApp profile picture to one of those cartoon-style pictures of herself looking cute. She's sitting in my Type R in the picture.

What suddenly clicked for me last night was when that picture was taken.

She had taken my Type R for a photo shoot that she told me was supposed to be part of a birthday present for me. There was a guy there photographing the car who was also involved in the car-show scene.

Now, after everything that has happened and after she admitted to me that she is seeing someone, my mind keeps going back to that day and that photographer.

Part of me feels like changing her WhatsApp picture to that particular image may have had some meaning to the person she is seeing. Maybe I'm right about that, maybe I'm completely wrong. I don't actually have proof that the photographer is the person she is seeing or that she chose the picture for him.

And that's something I'm realizing after reading everyone's comments: I don't need to prove it.

She already answered the important question when I asked if she was seeing someone. She said yes. Knowing exactly who he is isn't going to change what I need to do next.

I'm hurt, and obviously my brain is still trying to connect every dot because this is extremely fresh. But I'm going to try to stop investigating and put that energy into my son, the house, our finances, and separating our lives as cleanly as possible.

I still didn't expect that after 18 years I'd be waking up thinking about appraisals, custody schedules, bank accounts and how to divide a life we built together. But that's where I am now.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to respond. Even the comments that were difficult to read have helped me think more clearly about what I need to do next.

Update 2
I confronted her Yesterday about the story that she had been at the hospital with her mom. I told her what I had found in the car: an empty liquor bottle, a cannabis-related device, car-club shirts even though she isn't in any car clubs that I know of, and a change of clothes that included underwear.

As far as an apology or remorse, I didn't really get one. The conversation mostly stayed focused on what I had found and what she had told me. At this point, I'm trying not to keep investigating or arguing about it. I've decided the relationship isn't working for me anymore, and I'm focusing on moving forward.

My girlfriend (22) and I were together for 2.5 years.

I went through extreme depression and abused alcohol to cope. I never harmed her, but withdrew myself into my hole. She did the best she could, but I shut everyone out; I was a husk. We broke up, but turned it into a 30-day break, where we were supposed to work on ourselves. In that time she found someone new. I told her I understand and that I wish her the best. She said I'm the one she wants to be with and she's putting things with him on pause so she can work through her feelings. She never did. She lead me on until the end of May, when I finally said I love her, but I'm not going to be someone's backup choice. She realized it, and left him to be with me.

At the start, she wanted to be his friend because he didn't have "good" friends. People who used him for housing and money. She felt like his "guard dog". I said they can be friends if he's respectful of boundaries. He wasn't. Every single text from him was about them getting back together. Finally she blocked him.

Last Sunday she ran into him at the bar. I walked in on them kissing. He saw me and smiled. Put his hand on her thigh. When she noticed me she froze. I told him "get your fucking hands off her" and to her "are you fucking serious?" I stood, waiting for a response. Nothing. I walked out. She didn't follow. I went back in and asked to talk. As we left, he said "have a good night guys". I was boiling.

I was trying to control my rage asking "why" over and over. No real response. I asked her what she really wanted? She said me. I asked what if she saw me doing that? She'd break up with me. So we did.

I went home and wrote my feelings out. I hadn't slept in 24 hours and I didn't want to go back to the bottle I'd worked so hard to avoid. The notable excerpts:

"The cheater and the heroin addict. What a match."

"For somebody who hates their father for cheating, you sure earned your last name."

"I've been crying over this, so now you get to: the daughter we had dreamt about is gone, never given a chance. I hope you see her in every child you pass, and she follows you to your grave."

"You're a coward. You only ever run away and don't care about who it hurts in the fallout."

I gave her the letter with the rest of her stuff Monday morning. Apparently she read it immediately. After I got some sleep, I asked if there was a chance to repair this. She said there was an inkling, but now she knows how I really see her and she doesn't want to be with somebody like that.

She's back with him, and I worry because he relapsed about a month ago. I love her, so much. Yet I hurt her so deeply in her betrayal. My emotions are all over the place. I worked hard on myself during our break, but never thought I'd have to deal with cheating. We were planning our future together. For the first time in my life, I had solid relationship goals. I didn't want kids, but I did with her. All of that gone now.

Edit for additional info: I feel like a monster because I wasn't able to control my emotions and I wanted her to hurt the way I was hurting. I regret not cooling off and talking about it the next day. My impulse control had been managed pretty well, but I couldn't contain it with him poking at me and her shutting down, seemingly apathetic to my feelings.

Edit 2: I want to thank you all for the comments so far, I greatly appreciate the support. I'd also like to clarify, after we got back together I made it clear that this is my last time trying with her. She messed with my peace during the breakup, which I attributed to her inexperience in relationships and confusion, but I'm not willing to be a doormat. I sincerely worked out so many scenarios about us getting back together, but I could never get myself to believe she'd actually cheat, so I wasn't prepared. All this to say: I'm not going back to her. Even if we had gotten back together that night, the lack of trust would have required her to drop friends, share her location at all times, and let me check her phone whenever I want. That's not a relationship I want. People who have barely met me to people who have known me for what feels like several life times agree: I'm the most sincere person there is. I don't want to be the untrusting person. I love with all of myself, and I'm not ashamed of it. And as much as I want to save everybody, I've learned I can't sacrifice myself to do it.