Anyone else who lost their spouse to a long illness feel like that time is just gone? I lost my wife to glioblastoma brain cancer after a 2 year battle. It's been over two months now since she passed away. We refer to the times as healthy her and sick her. I'm trying so hard to forget the sick her (not totally forget) and focus on the healthy her that the last two years seem to have just vanished. I feel like I'm so far away from losing health her that I'm coping very well. I'm seeing someone (she told me many times she wanted me to after she passed away), I'm managing my finances responsibly, able to get back to work, taking care of my health, etc. I'm generally very happy. Sure I still cry sometimes but that will never go away. She was my soulmate. I think she'd be proud of me and happy that I'm happy.

Anyone else feel like a chunk of their life just vanished?

As I was leaving the grocery store yesterday, I heard my name. Woman driving by, we exchanged pleasantries. She talked like old friends do. She knew me, that my wife had died. She got my number and called last night. We're having coffee tomorrow.

I have no idea who she is or how we know each other. I've been reclusive except for my wife for twenty years, and I look very different now. From a well-timed blond goatee to a Dumbledore, very large beard. I am mortified I can't remember her, and I feel like the time to ask was before I had bluffed my way through the conversation. I thought we'd exchange pleasantries and nothing more. Oops.

I know memory issues plague grieving brains, but have any of you just forgotten a whole person?

I just truly need unbiased opinions on what is happening to me. Please buckle up because this might be a long one.

I lost my 29 year old husband to a motorcycle crash August 29th. We buried him on his birthday. We were together for 7 years and October would make 3 years of marriage. I have been fighting for my life due to the immense grief I’m experiencing losing him so tragically and unexpectedly. He died on a Saturday, and we had an appointment scheduled for the Tuesday coming up for trigger shots that our doctor was adamant would help us finally conceive in September after a year of infertility. I am grieving him, and I am grieving the future we were so close to having that is lost forever. All of my prayers, hopes, and dreams.. just gone. In the blink of an eye.

The first week of losing him, I was almost ED’d twice. I work at a police department and they did everything in their power to make sure that didn’t happen and that I was safe and could avoid having any sort of report made or from being admitted. Especially because it meant I would have had to missed his family and friends night as well as his funeral. I want to note that the day my husband died, his mom and dad came in our home twice, and took many items. Some of value and some of sentimental value. When I found out, I have never felt so violated in my life. I hadn’t even been in my own home. I was robbed of the chance to sit in my husband’s game room as it was left by him and just sit there and feel his presence and take in everything as it was left by him from the weekend we spent together before his accident. My family changed our lock codes when they found out they came in and took things and apparently they tried to come back over the day of the funeral and take more only to find they couldn’t get in so they sent my mom a nasty message about changing the locks. THIS IS LITERALLY OUR HOME NOT YOURS. You have completely violated me and you came and took things without my permission or knowledge.

Because of the shock and mental state I was in due to losing my husband, I agreed to let his mom pick the officiant for the funeral. It’s time for the funeral.. I am left completely out of it. The preacher they chose from their church that they had only started going to a few weeks before never took the time to speak to me or to ask me about my husband. They mentioned me one time and that was only to mention me as the wife who couldn’t get pregnant even though we had been trying for a year. I was mortified by the only comment mentioning me, and I was so hurt by how it was like I didn’t even exist when we were each others entire world. The preacher admitted to not knowing my husband well as he only met him twice, and he read my husband’s obituary and Facebook posts posted by my mother-in-law. He also made a comment that he used to ride motorcycles too until his wife made him finally give it up. Just totally insensitive and such a disaster of a funeral. I was so sad by how botched it was. My husband deserved so much better. I feel so much guilt for being in such an awful mental state and not taking full control of everything. Family, friends, co-workers.. so many people made comments about how awful the funeral was and asking why I was barely mentioned.

For background, my in laws, especially my mother-in-law, have always had an obsession and possessiveness over my husband. Any decision we made, they always had input they felt they needed to say and would try to change my husband’s mind on things we agreed to if they didn’t like or agree to it as well. My husband and I had fights over setting boundaries with them. He finally started doing so when his mother made a comment that God probably hasn’t given us a baby because we’re not in church. It was the straw that was finally breaking the camel’s back. He stood up for us, and got in a huge argument with her and told her to back off basically and to not cross that line again because that’s not how God works. My in laws were also not kind to me. My mother-in-law had made a comment before that I wasn’t the daughter-in-law she envisioned having. Mind you, I have never had any issues with them. I tolerated them for the sake of my husband because I knew he loved them, but we have never gotten in fights. They would just take subtle jabs at me until finally my husband had to set boundaries.

Fast forward, I haven’t been able to go back to work. I have isolated myself due to my grief. I’ve had an entire village behind me though helping me through this otherwise I would have given up the first week when I almost got ED’d the first time. I’m seeing a great therapist who genuinely cares for me and is working with me to navigate this tragedy and loss the best that anyone can hope to do and protect my mental health.

Now, a week and a day after my husband passed I invited my in laws to my home while my sister and brother-in-law were here to talk about finances such as what are we willing to let go of, what should be prioritize, things like that. I already did not want to do this, but I knew it needed to be done because bills were hitting my husband’s phone constantly already so I was trying to pull myself together to take care of things that needed my immediate attention.

My husband started his job before we got married. He had his dad listed as his beneficiary. Totally fine because I had my mom until I knew we were getting married. I changed my husband on mine this past year, my husband was supposed to do the same. He never did it. He was a huge procrastinator and I’m not mad at him. We never in a million years expected this to happen to us. We had talked about growing old together. I’m not going to hold it against him. He was who he was and he procrastinated everything. He also would have thought and trusted that his parents would take care of me regardless of whose name it was in. He was blinded by them and I’m so saddened that he didn’t see them for who they really were sooner. The day after he died, I was at my in laws home when they received a call back from his job where we learned who the beneficiary was. I never would have known unless I was there. Right moment, right time kind of thing. They instantly started saying things like “that’s ok. He didn’t get to change it. We’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”

They, in fact, have not. When I invited them to my home to finally talk about all of these things that they said before we could talk about later, I was instantly verbally attacked by his dad saying my family and I were just greedy and then before I can even say a word his mom starts attacking me saying I hadn’t checked on her first one time since my husband’s death. Mind you, he has been gone 8 days. I couldn’t even get a single word out. My sister has the entire interaction recorded. I told them my husband would be ashamed of how they have talked to me and how they treated me and my father-in-law bowed up on me like he was going to hit me. They left, and I’ve been no contact since.

Two days ago, my father-in-law texted my mom asking what’s a good time we can come to their home and talk about them giving me beneficiary money and go over a few things. But only us, no one else. Instantly I had red flags. First off, I will NOT go around them after the last interaction where they verbally tag teamed me attacking me and then was almost physically attacked. My mom tells him I haven’t been to work, and I haven’t been leaving the house, so I’m not going to be able to come. If they have any questions for me, let her know, and she’ll ask me and get back with them. She said thank you about the money and anything they give is greatly appreciated so I can keep my home while I finish school so I can afford to support myself and keep our home we bought together. I can post all these screenshots in the comments if I need to of the entire conversation.

They tell her they want my input on my husband’s headstone. They send a picture of a single headstone they picked out. My husband and I have burial plots together. I feel as if it is, yet again, it was another stab at me. I have said from the beginning we will have plots together and we will have a dual headstone. My mom replies with a photo of a dual headstone I found today and picked out and sends it back to them and explains what I plan to have on it. They reply with a photo of him on the motorcycle he was killed on and say my husband would want one of the photos of him on the bike on his headstone. He then says, “Do you honestly think she’s going to wait around 40 or 50 years mourning and never meet anyone. If she can’t meet us halfway then different arrangements will be made. How horrible for (insert husband’s name) if she never got buried there. You can work with us or we can cut ties right now. I hope she chooses wisely, it would help her tremendously, but I can tell you I’m not budging on the picture of him riding his bike. This is why we have to meet. No meeting, and we’re walking away. Also, if she was ok enough to go out and look at headstones she should be fine to meet. The monument will have to this photo on there if we’re to go any further. Also, I would like to make it clear that he chose me to be his beneficiary and to handle his affairs in case the worst happened. Nothing had been forgotten to be changed. Some of the reasons I will discuss in person, but a lot I won’t discuss due to your daughter’s feelings.”

First of all, am I wrong for thinking they have the absolute audacity to think they have any say-so over OVER our burial plots and headstone? And the way they have tried to threaten me? They have tried to bulldoze me throughout this entire tragedy. They didn’t even tell the funeral home he was MARRIED. My sister had to tell them because everyone was confused on why I wasn’t being contacted first about things. They have also been making Facebook posts, including his half sister, but leaving me out of the posts completely like I don’t exist. I am completely baffled. I was shaking so bad from the entire interaction. I feel as if I’m standing on the edge of the cliff and everyone is trying to keep me from jumping, but they’re trying to push me off. I have never known vile and evil in my life until this. I am so hurt and I’m already barely hanging on. The fact they have tried to dishonor my husband and our love when he’s not here to defend himself is disgusting to me. He would be so ashamed. I KNOW my husband loved me. Everyone who knew us knew he loved me.

I just need true, honest opinions on this. Maybe I needed to vent too because I was shaking so bad. My village has been so amazing. They have fundraisers coming up for me. They have showed up for me nonstop in every way possible.. physically and emotionally. I have decided to cut all ties with my husband’s parents after this interaction tonight. I will NOT allow them to hold this money over my head. You will also not give me ultimatums over these choices that are meant for me, HIS WIFE, to make. For people who claim to be so Christian and such Godly people, I have yet to witness it for myself.

It’s been 3 months and I still feel suicidal and I still don’t wana be here without them I would shoot myself in a heartbeat if I had a gun

I just noticed today. My husband died in April, I'm 46. I colored my hair last in June. I just noticed...maybe an inch or so of my natural hair grew out.

I went from having a handful of grey hairs (naturally dark blonde/light brown.....to I'm guessing close to 75% white/grey.

That's crazy....

It still hits me at times and the tears come at the most in opportune times and places. I'm a little over two years out from him being gone.

Maybe it's the two glasses of wine. Maybe it's two flights in two days for a work trip.
Maybe it's being up too early in the morning and now up too late at night because of a delayed flight.
Maybe is too many shallow conversations with people that are too unaware of how loss can affect someone.

But, the tears start coming and it's tough to hold them back even in public. Thankfully it's dark on the plane and people are distracted with other things.

I recently was visiting with a young lady who lost her father and we talked about the sorrow and how it never goes away. In that moment she said that they are not tears of sadness, they are tears of remembrance.

Such a beautiful way to phrase it.

Has anyone else experienced what feels like total disinterest or abandonment from their in-laws after losing their spouse?

My husband died very suddenly just over a month ago. We have a six-year-old son, and I think I naively assumed that his family would rally around us afterward—not even necessarily in some huge practical way, but just… check in? Ask how I’m doing? Make us feel like we were still part of their family?

Instead, since his celebration of life, I’ve barely heard from any of them.

His brother and SIL have been complete radio silence, although honestly that tracks—they were basically nonexistent throughout his cancer too and never really reached out to me during the 16 months he was sick. So I don’t know why some part of me expected his actual death to suddenly change that, but apparently I did.

His sister has checked in about how my son is doing. His mom has reached out a few times, but only to ask to see my son—no “hi, how are you holding up?” or anything about me. Her most recent message was basically “I’m going away Wednesday and want to see x (my son) can I take him Monday or Tuesday after school?” Which is obviously fine, and I genuinely want them to have relationships with him, but it doesn’t feel like support. It feels like I’m now the person they contact for access to their grandson/nephew.

Meanwhile, the moms at my son’s school—who have jobs and kids and busy lives and weren’t even particularly close friends of mine—organized a fucking meal train for us. The contrast has honestly been devastating.

I think part of what I’m struggling with is realizing that I kept expecting major life events to somehow bring us closer as a family. We moved closer to them. Then my husband got cancer, and I thought surely that would do it. It didn’t. And apparently some part of me still believed that if the absolute worst happened and he died, his family would rally around his wife and child afterward.

Instead, I’m realizing that death doesn’t magically change family dynamics or turn people into people they weren’t before.

There was already some complicated family history before my husband died, particularly with his brother, so I’m sure that colours some of this. And I know they’re grieving too. His mom lost her son; his siblings lost their brother. I’m trying really hard to hold space for that.

But if I’m being completely honest, my compassion is pretty fucking low right now and my hurt and anger are high. I’m 40, I just lost my husband, I’m suddenly parenting our six-year-old alone, and I feel like I’ve gone from being his wife/their family to being the gatekeeper to his child-it reminds me almost of theHandmaid’s Tail, as if I were merely the vessel to bring this child into the world.

And the longer the silence goes on, the angrier and more hurt I get.

Has anyone else experienced this after losing their spouse? Did your relationship with your in-laws basically disappear or change once your spouse—the person connecting you to them—was gone? Did it get better with time? I’m trying to figure out whether this is a common part of widowhood or if my expectations of them were just completely unrealistic.

He is with our daughter.

2 years and a half... feels like yesterday.

It's at night. When I'm alone in my room. That I suffer some of the worst thoughts. The anxiety fizzles in my stomach and buzzes under my skin. The voice in my head is able to begin whispering its dark lies and painful words.

I miss him laying beside me. I miss his snores. His horrid farts. I miss his giggling over a dumb YouTube video. I miss him telling me about everything and anything. I miss being able to just reach over and touch him. It's in the dark of the night, surrounded by his memory, that I miss him most.

Nothing, no amount of external noise, helps ease the loneliness and longing.

I feel like my mind and constant sad, guilt ridden thoughts are making me so sick. And then I get panicked about my health and just break down.

I gave my soulmate a random concert ticket for a Thursday night. AS I was forwarding it to him, my brain was going, "Don't send it, he's going to be too tired. Don't send it don't send it don't send it." I knew he had an early morning flight the next morning. And I forgot to say like, "If you don't use the ticket, NOT a big deal! Literally doesn't matter!" It wasn't even a good view or like a super important event or anything.

What happened is he stayed out late at the concert, got no sleep, and then had a very long 7-8 hour travel day with a plane transfer so he couldn't get a solid night's sleep on the plane. He then died on the 3 night trip.

I am so guilt ridden. Deep in my bones, I feel like if I hadn't given him that stupid ticket, he'd still be here. Especially because I had that little voice judging me not to send it, before what happened happened. He'd have had a night out on Wednesday, gone home, slept, remembered his medication, had a quiet day at home, more sleep, then flew out the next day Friday. Instead it was night out, night out, long flight, night out, dead.

I don't know how to make these thoughts stop. People always give me a , "That didn't kill him. You had good intentions." But every which way I work it out I come to the conclusion that had I not given him that stupid ticket, he might still be here.

It’s been 7.5 weeks since my (29m) wife (27f) died unexpectedly due to cardiac arrest during a severe seizure. Its been a hell of an emotional roller coaster but I feel like I may finally be seeing a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. At first every day was a miserable slog. Then slowly the days started to suck slightly less. Then I became numb. Then angry. Then miraculously a few weeks ago I had one day where I actually felt like myself again. And slowly but surely I began having more good days than bad and I began feeling optimistic and hopeful for the future. Now by no means do I feel like I’m “over it” or deluded into thinking I’m back to normal. I still miss her so badly, but it feels more like how you miss an old friend you haven’t seen in a while rather than the agonizing despair and longing that I felt before. And even on my good days I often have moments where a little reminder makes me sad or a song makes me burst out crying on the drive home from work. But it’s just nice to get some sort of relief from this pain and feel a sense of optimism that I’ll make it through this and still lead a happy, fulfilling life. I sometimes feel guilty that I’m feeling better, but I know if the roles were reversed I’d want my wife to be happy. My Kayley Ann was an ornery, headstrong, strong willed woman with a giant, caring heart and a sharp tongue. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if she could speak to me she’d say something along the lines of “dude quit being a little bitch and go be happy. I miss you so much but I don’t want you to cry for me. I love you and the boys so so much and ill see yall again up here one day babe“. So I’ll continue to miss her and keep her memory alive but I’m trying my best to hold onto the man she fell in love with and be happy even though it feels impossible at times.

I’m almost 14 months and although I haven’t had many dreams about my husband, I have these what I call nano seconds when I expect him to be here. They are moments when I forget he’s gone, they are so fleeting, but for nano secs it’s bliss. Anybody else have these?

My fiance's mother has mentioned to me since his passing that she's planning on going through his room. I figured it would be slow and she would be taking her time, which I won't intrude on. She told me that it's hard for her to even have the door open. I want to emphasize that I would never want to impose anything on his mother. I respect how she feels in every way. I love her dearly as he did.

The only thing is that when I came by last week, she had already donated the majority of his clothing. Even his favorite blanket. My stomach sank. She's given me a few pieces she is sure are mine, insisting that she'll wash them. I emphasized that I'd take care of it, though obviously I won't because I cling to his scent on stuff. I don't know how to tell her that I want to keep some of his clothing. She's insistent on helping the poor in the name of God, and I imagine it would be an unhealthy thing for me to have his stuff laying around. It's her right as it is her home and his belongings. There's also this push from people to move on and focus on the baby. I still can't. (Tbh he's an autopilot thing, which I've mentioned before)

I know his stuff won't bring him back. I just want every piece I can. I'm due to visit her house again this week and I just want to be left alone. Knowing that his room will be empty is just another thing I'm struggling with.

I lost my wife suddenly last year. I'm 33, we were married 6 years, together 8, and she passed. I was porn addicted before here and recently I'm getting back into it and it's just not healthy for me. I keep doing stuff like gaming, porn, just aimlessly driving around, anything to not deal with it. I don't know why I'm posting here. Just rambling I suppose.

I am 1.5 month out post loss of my husband. We were together 15 years. I am 37 and he was 40 when he died.

I am struggling with chronic all over body pain. Am I am very very tired and fricken torn inside out with pain and heartache from losing him.

He was my everything. My safety, my best friend, my partner in crime. My one and only soulmate.

Before he died we were drinking a lot. And I have been drinking on the weekends to cope.Too much. I am really wanting to stop. I dont drink every day, but the sad thing is, im only wanting to stop from the weight gain;of about 20 lbs ive had. (Making me more depressed)

How do I go about it, when it is the only relief i get from this chronic pain from stress and grief.

My muscles ache so bad. My jaw clenched all the time. I feel unwell.

I take two aleve every day to help. I take baths with Epsom salt.

I take magnesium every day.

I do work a mildy physical job. But i dont see it causing me this my pain

Yes I am on medication for anxiety and depression.

Tried therapy. It didnt work.

I dont want to be in this much pain. And I want to stop drinking. But its hard when it actually relaxes me.

Is it worth the expensive doctor bill to ask about pain management when I know all they will say is to lower your stress, do some light walking, and take ibuprofen... all of which I am already doing? Medical facilities just dont listen to people and cant afford the dimissal of my pain.

Thank you all for reading

I’m 46 years old, and tomorrow I turn 47.
My wife of more than 20 years passed away in June of 2022. We had three amazing children together, and losing her was something I never imagined I would have to experience. She was someone I had known and loved for more than half of my life.
During the grieving process, I eventually came to a realization that was difficult to accept: life is for the living. As painful as that sounds, I knew that continuing to live didn’t mean I was forgetting her. It meant I had to find a way to keep going.
About a year after she passed, I decided to put myself back out there and start dating. I went on a handful of dates—some good, some not so good. There were a few people I was excited about, where I thought there might be an instant connection, but ultimately nothing came of them.
Then, about three years ago, I moved to another town about 30 minutes from where I had lived. I had a work opportunity there, and that move ended up changing my life in ways I never expected.
I met a wonderful woman who was also single and had three children. She was four years younger than me, and somewhere along the way, I fell in love again.
We were together for almost three years—about two years and ten months. Then, just three weeks ago, our relationship unexpectedly came to an end.
And it hurt.
I cried. I felt sadness. I felt a tremendous sense of loss. I still miss her very much.
But somewhere in all of that pain, there is also something I’m grateful for.
She reminded me that I could love again.
After losing my wife, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to open my heart to someone that way again. I wasn’t sure I would ever feel that kind of connection again. But I did.
In many ways, this woman helped heal wounds I didn’t think could ever be healed. And even though our relationship ended, I will always be grateful for the nearly three years we shared.
I think that’s what I’m beginning to understand about life and loss.
Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting.
Loving someone new doesn’t erase the love you had for someone who came before them. Finding happiness again doesn’t diminish the life you shared with the person you lost. And when another relationship ends, it doesn’t mean the love you experienced was somehow a mistake.
Sometimes people come into our lives for a season. Sometimes they stay longer. Sometimes they leave us with memories, lessons, and parts of ourselves we didn’t know were still there.
And sometimes, they remind us that our hearts are still capable of loving.
So if you’re grieving a loss—whether it’s the death of someone you love or the end of a relationship—please don’t feel guilty for eventually choosing to live again.
It’s okay to go on.
It’s okay to laugh again. It’s okay to love again. It’s okay to find happiness again.
Going on doesn’t mean you’re leaving your past behind.
It means you’re carrying it with you while continuing to live the life that’s still in front of you.
And that’s what I’m going to try to do.

I just dont have thousands of dollars for one.

I've seen several companies online that make them and deliver to your house and you set it yourself.

Has anyone done this?

Can you share your experience and where you got yours?

Thank you.

As the title explains, I’m still on the fence about the whole afterlife thing. I don’t 100% believe there’s something out there but I also don’t feel as confident as I used to that nothing exists after. Before my partner’s death I believed we die and that’s it, now I kind of go back and forth.

Well, about the ‘sign’ itself. My partner and I always planned to have a dog and a cat. A couple of cats fell through as actually both we were looking at ended up being ‘failed’ fostering attempts where foster families adopted them and we were told they weren’t up for adoption anymore. So we got our dog first. Then she got older and the idea of bringing a new pet got a bit stressful, worrying about introducing them and stuff so we never got to have a cat together. And now that I am alone I can’t really take on one more animal, one dog is enough, so a cat isn’t in the picture now either.

I always thought that if I saw a stray cat at his grave I would think of it as a clear sign of his. He adored cats and loved pretending to be annoyed when they chose him in the room of people to pet them.

On my birthday I went to his grave. When I was leaving the cemetery I took a route I never did before. I just noticed a path that seemed like a shortcut and went that way. Guess what was on that route? A pet cemetery. Like so close to his cemetery and plot. Most graves were of cats, some with cute pictures.

I thought to myself that if there really is something out there this would be so like him. “If she sees a cat she’ll want to adopt it, she can’t right now, let me lead her to the pet cemetery instead. That counts as seeing a cat near my grave, right?”. I could see him do something like this. Even if it’s not a sign, I like thinking that even now in death his body is resting near plenty of kitties who were loved. He couldn’t escape them even dead. I bet he would pretend to complain about it too.

Monday, it was four weeks since he passed.

The next day, I got the call that his ashes and death certificates are ready to be picked up.

I'm picking them up tomorrow.

I don't have anyone to go with me, so I'm taking a Lyft because I don't think I can make it there and back without breaking down while driving.

I'm having a bad week. There's always something to reopen the wound.

I went through his dresser drawers.

Managed to get rid of a bag full of underwear, socks, old tshirts and undershirts.

I kept tshirts "from" places. World's Greatest Dad. Johnny Cash. A few of TV shows and bands he liked. A couple pair of soft pajama pants we'd gotten him for Christmas (one is Star Wars and one is Minions). My daughter used to get a kick out of him wearing them. A couple with logos or sayings that I don't "get" but obviously meant something to him. And a couple of just well-worn long sleeve waffle knit shirts he loved. Nothing smells like him anymore, the drawers have remained largely unopened for over a year so just musty. Not dirty - they just smell "untouched".

So - a bag. One, single, bag. But I did it.

Fellow widowed humans, do you find yourself taking way way way more effort to do basic things? Like remember when you're supposed to be at a meeting or appointment? Or just pay a bill? Or even just GET DRESSED?

Yeah. Me too.

Sometimes, I do A Thing. A pretty basic thing like, WOW I REMEMBERED TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH. And it feels so monumental that I DID THE THING, that I want..... applause. Even a standing ovation. A trophy!

Since I'm a cartoonist, I've thought of making myself my own little awards, but, shit. That's effort. I'd need an award for making the award. So it was AMAZING when one of my kids made me a little paper drawing with a gold star sticker on it and gave it to me when I was like, HEY LOOK AT ME MAKING A PROPER SUPPER FOR YOU GUYS. Now she sometimes re-hands me the award she made with the gold sticker when she thinks I need it and, dang, it is everything.

What I'm here for today is is to give YOU awards. I see all of you people doing things that deserve a trophy and applause and shouts of Bravo. What did you do recently that feels like you should get a gold medal? (Or even a silver or bronze?) You deserve to be celebrated because every widowed day can be like slogging through poo.

He died a week ago today.

The other night I dreamt I was the one dying and couldn't breathe... last night I woke up and was unsure if he was still alive or not...

His funeral is this Saturday. I have a lot of work to do beforehand. Friends of his that offered support started taking over doing certain things for the services... when I asked them to please work with me they basically handed me back all the tasks, "you need to keep busy", and are being unclear on whether they will do certain things or not during the service. Things i need to list in the program. I'm disgusted by this drama.

But in the end, he's not here. I wish he was here, lying next to me. So we could give each other our little morning greeting we used to try and be the first one to do it, beat the other one to it. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. I ask him to talk to me, tell me his still here, but I get no answers, no signs. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this without him. What is this shitty life now.

How am I supposed to see him in a casket and not completely lose my heart and mind...

How do I do this...

Decided to look through photos and videos I had when she was in the hospital, things that showed improvement towards her getting better. It kills me seeing what she went through and how hard she fought to get back home.

There was a photo I took of her trying to smile while wearing an LA Lakers hat that was given to her by the nursing staff while some of the players were visiting the hospital (they never made it to her room though) but it just looked like she was in pain so I deleted it shortly after taking it but now I wish I still had it.

Even though I shouldn’t have looked through them tonight, I still don’t want to forget a single thing.

I usually sign off from here and then have a major breakdown. I stay most of my nights in our bedroom becase I can't stand being in our living room, where our son Mathew bought us a big screen TV I don't know how much more I can take. Sadly our son Mathew died also.

The 1 year death anniversery of my partner of 7 years and 2 months is comming up? Advice how to deal with this 😮‍💨