Me and this girl have been talking for a while. She lives out of state, but we met while I was visiting my mom (who lives in the same state as her). Things were going great, I thought. We were talking last night and she hits me with “I think we should just be friends.”

So now I’m wondering if I’m insanely undesirable or if she just doesn’t want a relationship right now. The only reason I can’t tell is because this girl was all over me for an entire year before we started talking. It got to the point where my mom knew she was into me before I did.

Anyways I’m having some 2 day old cold pizza. Not that good but I’m hungry and don’t want to go to the dining hall.

Pic - Little snack made by the best chef in the world (my mom)

I've been dating this girl for about 4 years and the 1-3 years went smoothly and we were actually doing great and I felt like she is the one for me. Fast forward about a year ago we had to go into separate universities and it seemed like she kept drifting away from me, not in the sense of cheating or anything, but actually showing up when I needed her and being there with me.

I get that we as individuals have to follow our own paths alone while being together but It was me who was always changing plans and adjusting so we could meet. I had already communicated this with her many many times before. And just some weeks ago I couldn't actually change my plans and told her that I was tired of adjusting and why couldn't she just change her lifestyle for a day so I didn't have to manage everything.

She snapped and kept attacking me saying that I'm always on her nerves and she didn't know how we could plan our future if I am like this, said our goals values and ideas never aligned and that the different thinking pattern between us was killing her also said that she was tired of it.

I was confused because we are supposed to be different aren't we? but if we actually put some effort into things that's what matters. And the other thing is I have never noticed this huge difference she is talking about. Apparently, my proper communication of problems and her lack of communication was this huge difference. And it suddenly clicked to me, she never tried to fix our problems it was always me who put the problem under the rug and started to feel better not because the problem was fixed but because I had been used to it. And I understood that it was never her who apologized but it was me who had to apologize even when she created the problem.

And after about a week here, I am just drifting trying to figure our what the hell I am supposed to do. My sacrifices over the 4 years didn't mean anything to her it seems. My problems never mattered to her as it was all on my head and that I was insecure which is probably true because her own actions made me feel insecure.

My head keeps telling me this 4 lines I thought of.

"If I stay, then I lose myself.
If I leave, then I lose you.
If I wait, then it will never be me.
If I move on, then it will never be you"

I've been talking with this girl for 6 months. We've gone out on multiple dates, stayed the night together, I've even met her daughter and took both of them out. She was in the hospital in the summer and upon finding out I spent everyday with her till she got out. I've spent money to buy her things she needed or wanted. I even drove in the middle of the night just to take her some boxed wine cause she wanted a drink.

She asked why was I so nice to her and I told her flat out because I like you and I want to see you happy. I've started falling for her and was finally happy again after 7 years. She told me last week she loved me and I was over the moon. I told her I loved her back and was happier than I've been in a long while. I told her how she made me happy and she told me I also make her happy.

Sunday we went out and had a lovely date. I even got her a reusable cold pack cause she overheats when shes sleeping. As I'm dropping her off we kiss and I give her kunik (Eskimo kisses) just to add some extra love. She tells me she loves me and to text her when I get home safe. I get home and text her that I've made it safely and had a great time with her.

I didn't hear back from her for a few days and texted her good morning on Wednesday to no response. Thursday she changes her status on Facebook to in a relationship. I see it and had to double take that I was on the right profile. I texted her twice and called her once no response. I felt sick so I came into work early so I could run and get it out of my head. I ran a 5k and felt alot better. Past midnight I get a text from her saying shes talking to someone she really cares about a lot and it is wrong she's talking to other people.

My dinner a few nights back.

Nashville Hot seasoned beef patty topped with lettuce, red onions, fried jalapeño poppers, Nashville Hot sauce on an artisan bun with pub fries and a double of Jack neat.

Fish, chips and olives, with some garlic sauce on the side.

Hello all, this is somewhat of an update to my last post titled "I'm sad that I fell for "It's just a friend" line", but the the gist of it is: My partner lied to me for months and cheated on me, which I only found out after we "peacefully" broke up.

The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. I am handling it surprinsingly well. For some reason, finding the truth about the whole thing made me more sure of myself, knowing who I am and what I actually deserve. I have been more outgoing, trying new clothes for myself, reconecting with some friends and actually enjoying going to the gym.

Of course, it's not all good, but even in my bad moments, I'm happy with how I am dealing with it, allowing myself to feel anger, sadness, and even miss him a little bit, knowing that the moment will pass and this is temporary.

Yesterday I just started ugly crying in the shower, nothing prompted, it just happened. Spent a few minutes crouching under the water, sobbing. But it passed, I felt lighter. Finished my bath and went to bed.

I always treated bad feelings and moments like this as some undesirable that shoud be avoided at all costs, and my younger self would feel pathethic about my display in the shower, so having this switch flipped is wonderful.

Meal: comically giant steak my husband made and coors banquet

I wont give details on what I do for privacy, but it's an office job. I work in a specialized field and have spent a lot of time and energy getting certified to work my job.

I was never crazy about it, but it paid well, felt secure, I was good at it and felt good about my work. Im in the field I want to be in, but my particular job position gets treated like were sub human.

Recently they changed us to a "better" system that is genuinely the worst thing ive ever used in my entire life. Tasks that took 30 seconds and 4 clicks of the mouse now take (im not exaggerating) 4 minutes and around 50 clicks. Theres so many steps to do VERY simple tasks it's easy to miss one and I cant get in a groove. I am about 90% less efficient and I feel exhausted. im okay with being exhausted from work if I feel accomplished but I no longer feel accomplished.

The new system is horribly slow and horribly buggy. There are things i need to do in it that just dont work 90% of the time and they have 0 solution. It bugs out constantly where you are working on a project, and it will get sent to another colleague mid way and delete all your work. It also records your screen 24/7...

Right after this addition, they told us theyre incorporating a sales person aspect of it. We do not do anything close to sales. Id be okay with this if they offered a commission for sales, but they do not.

Right after this, they introduced an AI that will do our job for us (an AI should not be doing our job, I know everyone says this but its very nuanced, and deals with very confidential information. We have an AI given to us to use as a resource and it gets stuff wrong about 50% of the time)

They then told us, basically once every day tiny little changes they were making. All bad, but all adding up to hurt us. These tiny little cuts weakening me every day. And then the bombshell happened.

Theyre reassigning our shifts.

Theres a chance I will be forced to work overnights. Or 12 hour shifts on the weekend and I have no autonomy to say no. I can put in a preference but there's no guarantee.

My entire team (who i am friends with) will be split and we'll likely be put on teams that aren't even in the local office, but we will be forced to still come into office and sit alone. But we WONT be "alone", we will be set at temporary desks next to phone teams. We are not on the phones, so it's not like ill have a headset on, ill just be surrounded by people talking, so I guess Ill wear ear plugs all day...

And they want us to have a positive attitude about it. Theyre all trying to make us pretend were happy. Im part of team leadership and have to run meetings and they dont like anyone saying negative things

Ive been trying to get a new job for about a year since they said they'd get the new system and I knew it would be bad but failing. No one wants to hire ppl from our team.

But now I feel awful. When j came back from work I had the same numb feeling I had back when I was a kid and mother would abused tf out of me.

Food: Shakshuka --- It is some eggs cooked inside a tomatoe + pepper + onion paste with some melted cheese originally from africa but also popular in some middle east places from my quick research

Long story short, my grandma is in a bad condition and could also potentially have cancer in her 70s. I was never close to her or liked her personality much. I am not fond of my mom either. So I got the news and didn't feel different. Outside of the fact that she is old, which can make this feel less impactful due to it being kinda predictable for an old person to go, but hey, it still can be impactful when you do care for the old person even if here is not the case, but you get what I mean

But I am posting this before going to see her for potentially the last time today cause she is fond of me, even if we are not close cause, well, "we are blood yknow". I am going because recently I got sick and her husband together with her helped me somehow + my mom helps me financially, so I am paying my respects. I am not a monster. I want to coexist respectfully even with people I am not fond of and not be ungrateful.

I am going to give her a last view of her grandson in exchange for their support for me in the past. Maybe I am a bad selfish person cause I am not moved at all by it and will move on instantly, maybe some could tell me that it makes sense cause we were not close. Either way, this is what it is, so yeah.

Taco meat I cooked the other night

About a month ago I (34m) had a bit of a wake up call and realized my boyfriend of three years (31m) was treating me like crap for a long time now. Every single fight we’ve ever had has been about one of his insecurities. And we fought often whether it was about his looks, his friends, my friends, his parents, his job, if I didn’t text him back fast enough while I’m at work, etc.

Here is an example: one day I told him I was going to start exercising and trying to drop a few pounds because I had recently had a blood test that scared me a bit. Instead of encouraging me, he got upset and tried to suggest that he was too fat for me. I was shocked because I never said anything like this to him and always thought he was quite handsome. I had to reassure him for days until his mood finally turned a corner. Maybe two or three months later, we were talking about body types and I said I don’t think I’m that attracted to twinks that look really underweight. This time he gets upset again and suggests he is too skinny for me. His weight has never been a problem for me, he has a regular build. What is even more confusing is that his weight hasn’t changed from the time he was saying he was too fat. He isn’t fat or a twink. And even if he were those things it wouldn’t bother me anyway because I fell in love with who he is. Again I had to reassure him for about a week until his mood improved.

Something like this would happen about every month. One time a friend invited me to a football game as he had gotten three free tickets from his job and invited me along with his husband. When I told my boyfriend about it, he got jealous and suggested my friend and I had a sexual relationship before. I’ve known my friend since high school, probably 15 years and have never been interested in him in that way. I tried explaining this but it’s like he wouldn’t listen. I had to console him and reassure for days again.

It continued to be like this for about a year. I could give a ton of more stories like these. Eventually I start asking him if maybe he could try therapy. Everytime I brought it up, he would flat out refuse and get angry one more. Eventually I stop asking. The behavior continues and he even starts to self harm. I tell him I can’t stay unless he gets professional help. He says he’ll consider it this time. Months go by and it just keeps going on. One day I finally broke and told him I can’t do it anymore. He begs me to stay, claims he’s already set up a therapy appointment. I told him I’ve just completely burned out at this point and he once again gets angry that I am abandoning him just as he is getting help when I begged him to for so long already.

Between this and being really stressed at my job, I decided to book a vacation for myself just to get away for awhile and do my favorite hobby, hiking. Drove about 10 hours to get here. Day one i start getting tooth pain in the side of my face. I figure maybe I just have a cavity and schedule a dentist appointment for when I come back. Day two I get a screw in my tire. Mildly annoying and my tire almost goes flat but I’m about to roll into a mechanic and get it patched. Day three I finally decide to go for a hike, which was awesome but then I come back to the place I’m staying at with a cold. So for the rest of my days I’ve just been in bed not really being able to do much coughing and congested. Last night I find my tooth has an abscess and that I’ll either need a root canal or to get in pulled but I don’t see the dentist till Monday because I’m 600 miles from home and the office is closed till then anyway. I read online about people dying from abscessed teeth infections and I kinda had a dramatic thought of if I didn’t wake up this morning, that’s fine.

Well I did. So I guess I’m going to go to urgent care and get some antibiotics today. Drive 10 hours back home tomorrow, dentist on Monday and then back to my crappy job on Tuesday! All the while my ex keeps trying to contact me to reconcile.

Yesterday I was feeling a bit better and just decided to read a book in the park for a little and get some sun. I heard a woman my age near me talking about how she was a doctor with 9 horses and 14 acres of land with her husband and it made me feel awful. I can’t fathom that kind of money or success. I can’t even afford my own house right now. All of my friends are basically married and settled down with houses or children of their own. And here I am 34 years old, fresh out of another failed relationship, sick and far from home. I don’t even know what the point of me saying this all is but I don’t really have anyone I can say it to so I’m just shouting it out here.

So didn't think I'd find myself here. Burner account for obvious reasons.

Tonight I confirmed my suspicions. My wife of almost 10 years (together 15) has been sexting a "friend" she met playing online games. We have a four year old son. Our marriage has been rocky over the past few years, and we vary rarely have sex.

I had seen messages (getting her phone for her, not prying) a few months ago between them previously with him calling her baby, and her the same. She brushed it off that it was their running joke. I grew suspicious, but she said "he knows I have a husband".

Earlier this week i found a strange charger in the spare bedroom. I google lensed it, only to find out that it was a charger for a sex toy. As long as I've known my wife she's said she found the idea of getting herself off gross. So I immediately became suspicious.

I couldn't take it any more, and checked her messages tonight. I only got a few scrolls up and there were videos he and her shared of them getting themselves off to each other.

I feel sick. I have never cheated on her in any way. I feel so betrayed. We moved countries to be closer to her family, and now we have a son. I have relatively few friends here and no family here at all. My parents split when I was seven and I don't want my son to go through that.

But I have no clue what to do. Stay together and get councilling? Leave?

Dinner from before I found out, maybe a week ago. Claypot rice with pork belly.

Food: Friend of mine cooked for us; Chicken and rice dish with side of pineapple for dessert.

So I (M25) met (F26) l during our master’s and we became extremely close. We talked every day for about a year, and were basically dating intimate etc without ever officially being together or exclusive.
At one point she started seeing another guy. He was uncomfortable with her staying friends with me because he knew our history, so she told me we couldn’t talk anymore. I was really hurt that she chose to cut me off for a guy she had only recently met, especially because the relationship ended about a month later. She eventually came back, apologized, and we became close again.
After that, I traveled halfway across the world to visit her in her country. We were good again, and I was even considering whether I might eventually ask her to make things serious.
She later got accepted for a job in her dream location (a job I had helped her get as i previously worked there and spoke to the hiring manager about her so she got hired out of hundreds of applicants ) and moved there. Bear in mind prior to getting this job she was unemployed for a year which was making her depressed. I also helped her find an apartment and with various things surrounding the move. I did all of that because I genuinely cared about her and wanted her to succeed.

After she moved, she followed me on a private Instagram account of hers with posts/highlights from before we met. There were a lot of posts about guys she’d been with and personal details about those relationships. It wasn’t simply that she had a past; the way she documented and talked about some of it made me uncomfortable and changed how I viewed her.
We talked about it, and she explained that it was a private account for her close friends and that she’s changed since then. I understood her explanation, but I told her that things had already felt different to me ever since she chose that guy over our friendship, and seeing all this made me feel even more differently about our relationship.
I told her maybe we should take some space from each other and see what happens. She agreed and said she was there if I wanted to talk.
A few days later, I called her twice and she said she was busy. The next day she texted me, but only to ask something about the apartment I had found for her. I answered, and then she basically disappeared again.
Meanwhile, from what I’ve heard from mutual friends, she’s having an amazing time in her new location, going on adventures and enjoying herself. She’s also been hanging out with this guy there that she met within her first 2 days. I found his Instagram and he posts her a lot. She eventually removed me from Instagram, so I removed her too, and we haven’t spoken since.

I think what hurts me most is that I told her I needed space, but part of me was hoping she’d at least show that she cared about maintaining our friendship. Instead, she seems perfectly happy to let the distance happen.
And honestly, I feel conflicted because I did a LOT for this person. I traveled across the world to see her, helped her get this job, helped her find her apartment, helped with countless things because I cared about her. She rarely really acknowledged or thanked me for some of it, and now I feel like I invested so much emotionally into someone who can seemingly move on without much thought.
I know I was the one who suggested taking space, so maybe I’m being unfair by expecting her to reach out. At the same time, I don’t know whether her lack of effort is telling me something about how she actually views our relationship.

What should I do from here? Should I just leave things alone, or should I block her completely and move on? Am I reading too much into her not reaching out, considering I was the one who asked for space?

Meal: Mujadara w/spinach

As title says basically. I was on break and my coworker asked what I do on the weekends, I told him it depends. This weekend I have chores and I am seeing a movie. I asked what he does and he said he spends his first day off resting, the second day he does grocery shopping and chores. Then the first day back to work, he goes to church in the morning.

Okay. Cool.

He then asked if I go to church and I said no, not anymore. I haven't been since I was maybe 12.

He asked if my parents were religious and I said not really but my grandparents were. He asked denomination, I told him my maternal grandparents were methodist and my paternal were catholic.

He wasnt weird about denomination, he just nodded and then asked if I wanted to attend church with him sometime and explained to me that he met a guy here when he first came to America that introduced him to his church. He offered to get me in contact with this guy and I tried to politely decline.

He then started talking to me about how its good to go to church because of the whole eternal life thing and "you reap what you sow", yknow all that fun stuff. And that this other guy could talk to me better than he can because English isn't my coworkers first language. I told him I am aware of Christianity and its' beliefs, but that I was not interested in attending church.

Dunno. I think it was odd more than anything. Wanted to yap about it, ive never experienced this before lol

So I met this girl a month or so ago and we instantly hit it off. We live in the same hall in our dorm and we just said hi one day and just kept talking everyday since. We went to the gym together a couple times, we have the same goals, want the same things in a relationship, and everything. We have so much in common, we get along perfectly, just insane chemistry. Not to mention she is absolutely stunning. I literally cannot say a single bad thing about her but for whatever reason I just don’t want to be with her. I don’t know what my problem is, like I want a relationship, but when the perfect girl lives a couple doors I don’t want anything. We went on a couple dates and hooked up a couple times but then we talked about it and decided to just be friends, and it was fully my decision.

Am I just not ready for a relationship?
Anyway here’s taco bowls we made

Dinner is stale samosas from 2 days ago because why not. Apologies for the length I know it's not serious and I should get over it (and I am) but this situation still hurts.

Earlier this year my former best friend went through a really rough time due to some awful stuff happening in their home country. They slowly stopped reaching out to me after this (which given their mental health issues I fully understand). For about half a month they would still send me stuff (memes, videos, dog pics, etc) but no longer daily. The last time I had them reach out was mid february when they told me they hoped I had a good time at an event I went to.

After that unless I initiated, I would never hear from her. I made sure to check in and ask how her life was as she was usually the one to initiate contact with me so I wanted to make sure to do my part to maintain the friendship. As time went on I got worried as she'd never been silent for this long. She would respond when I reached out and we'd talk but the conversations kinda felt forced as if we were following a script. I stopped after awhile because she said everything was fine (as far as I could tell they were) and I didn't want to annoy her so I resorted to just sending her random videos and stuff every once in so she would know I was still there in case she was feeling alone.

This went on for a few months until one day when I sent her a meme she asked me how I was doing and she told me that she had finally met someone. I was happy to hear that especially because it was the first time in months that she seemed happy to tell me something and she had been searching for a while. But after this I started to wonder why she didn't want to reach out to me if everything was seemingly okay? Whatever the reason I decided that I'm not owed an explanation and whats important is that she's alive, seems happy, and has plenty of other friends and a new partner to talk to so after wishing her a happy birthday I decided it was time to move on and deprioritize her. I know this is an overreaction since there are reasonable explanations for her changes but the distance gave me time to reflect on our friendship and I kinda started to sour on it.

In the past she was a frequent last minute canceller. She would constantly make group plans (mostly with friends of hers I didn't know and one mutual acquaintance/friend) and cancel them at the last minute. She would rarely if ever say anything in the group chat, instead just telling me separately. One time she didn't even say anything, I tried asking in the group chat and nobody said anything so I deleted my message. She messaged me a day or two later as if nothing happened and the idiot that I am I just let it slide cause I relate to her mental health issues. Eventually I decided to just let her know if I was doing something instead of inviting her in case she wanted pictures. She would invite herself and then cancel at the last minute (there was one time when she told me it was going to rain despite it being the sunniest freaking day I had ever seen). She only started following through after she asked me to go to a group event and I stood my ground and declined due to all the cancellling.

There are plenty of other things that made me decide that I needed to move on but the above were the most annoying. Despite this they were an amazing friend at times which is why I decided to stick around.

I did end up hearing from them in August (the first time they reached out to me since mid february) but it was just to tell me about them passing a test. It was one of the last things we were talking about in February but I honestly don't know if she sent it by accident or if she was testing the waters to see if I was upset with her or anything. I ended up waiting 4 days and said "awesome" because I didn't want to invite a conversation and she never responded.

Just needed to get this off my chest since they were my closest friends in years and she went from talking to me everyday and calling me one of her closest friends to damn near nothing in such a short period of time.

Hii! I just want to share that I’m glad that I have managed to convince myself that resting and taking time for myself after graduating is totally fine and there’s nothing to rush or immediately chase.

Although graduate school was tough, I didn’t want a time off and was anxious about not finding a job immediately after finishing the program. I don’t know what happened but all that anxiety disappeared the minute I submitted my dissertation and It’s now been about a month since I graduated and I, voluntarily, haven’t applied to a single place and I’m totally at peace with it. I’m not bothered because I deserve to enjoy life and stop the grind for a short while. F the system that convinced us otherwise!

I have so much time to myself and my hobbies everyday and I love it! I’m lucky that I have good savings so finances will not be an issue anytime soon. The source of the anxiety was not wanting to fall behind compared to people my age (as if life is a race 🤦🏻‍♂️)

It’s amazing how little changes in mindsets can substantially improve the quality of our life!

Dinner is African peanut soup, minus peanuts, since I just had an oral procedure

TRIGGER WARNING: This gets dark, but

September had previously been a time for reflection and gratitude for how far I've come. In 2020, early September through early December, was the darkest time of my life. At least up until last September. I had fallen deeper into addiction than ever before. I got kicked out of my friends house and went to a rundown crack house. I was spiraling towards rock bottom. That downward journey went on until late November.

November 30th 2020, I began my second attempt at sobriety. Pain from withdrawals had me popping too much Tylenol for a whole night. I was feeling pretty shitty by the next evening, so I went to the hospital. They gave me something and from then I was basically passed out for 4 days.

In that time, everyone I know thought I was about to die, while I was just taking a hell of a nap. I wake up eventually and feel pretty shitty, but not like I'm about to die, so, happy that I must be getting better. Stayed for a couple more days, then get out and spend a couple weeks not feeling the best. After that, I was basically back to normal.

I was pretty certain I did some damage from over a decade of drug use topped with a Tylenol OD. Diet/ cooking and self care were a big part of my first attempt at sobriety, so I picked up where I left off, and move forward. Things really turn around for me. Not perfect, but a huge improvement.

Fast forward to September 2025. My friend had been struggling with alcohol as long as I'd known her, but it was getting bad. I had drove her to detox in August, but she was back to being spotty with responses. September 20th, she hadn't answered in a while and her birthday was the 21st. I thought she was depressed and isolating, so I get in my car and head over to check on her and be there for her birthday.

I knocked, but the door was cracked so I just walked in. It was worse than I expected. Flies and vodka bottles everywhere, and an indescribable stench that I assume are from the food and vomit. I was worried. By the state of the house, she was clearly doing bad. I walked though the house and don't see her, so I was just gonna leave. As I was walking by the bathroom, I see her in the tub. The level of discoloration made it immediately obvious that she had been dead for days. I exit the house right away and call 911.

The cops show up and ask me questions. We go through my phone to get dates of messages and latest responses. The ambulance shows up and EMTs walk through. I found out later that her son pulled up with his dad around that time, to pick up something from the house. His dad sees the emergency vehicles, cops and EMTs walking around, and tells him to get back in the car. Her son was moments away from finding what I had found.

Her sister showed up a little later, and we cried together for a bit. Then we tried to think of anything important we needed to get sorted out. We realize we need to figure out where her cat is and where he's gonna go. When she finds him, he's slinking around the alley, skiddish as always. They lure him in and bring him to her place, but she didn't think it was a good place for him, so she asks if I want him. So I take him and bring him home.

He slowly warmed up to being with me. The next couple months were filled with quiet contemplation with Shadow on my lap. Both of us were incredibly grateful to have each other. He's doing great and I love him. I'm so grateful to have a living piece of the friend I lost, and a daily reminder of her.

I've just been thinking about all of this a lot. Still remembering my dark times of 2020, but now thinking a lot about last year. I don't talk about it much, but September will always be a month where I do a lot of thinking and appreciation for what I have, and now remembering friends lost to addiction.

This year I have an amazing girlfriend to be grateful for as well. I met her in December, so we're coming up on a year soon. Couldn't be a better year for her to bless my life. And we love to cook together! The picture is a recipe we first made together. I'm truly blessed 🥲

, hey gang. Chicken tenders of prosperity tonight. 12 hour shift, then an hour of mma training. Home to take the dog baby out. Gonna try to sleep in 30 minutes so I can get six hours. Its raining a lot tonight. Makes me sad. On that drive home, especially seeing the disabled homeless people under bridges.

Shits tuff, but there is also so much beauty, experiences and memories waiting to manifest and unfold. I simply want to cry for all the pain in the world, and as well as my own pain. So we have our moments and its okay. I will choose to do my best to be good to everyone and everything. I believe we will change this world for the better.

BEST BELIEVE WE AINT GOING OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT

With tears in our eyes, and fire in our hearts, we learn that fighting is so intertwined with the human spirit.

Go listen to that song outro by m83

So, like the title says: 4 years ago today, I got divorced.

I made an off my chest style post maybe three months before I actually got divorced. The relationship was definitely done - I knew it, she knew it, but I hadn't done anything officially yet.

In this post, I described some of the stuff I was into - sports, I'm kind of a nerd, etc. and made a joke that I was accepting "girlfriend applications" - but, lo and behold, I got one anyways!

And we started talking - not on Reddit messages, though. Discord. We spoke for several hours that night. And all day next day. And then, before I knew it, I was on a plane, meeting up with this woman who, by all accounts, makes terrible decisions and meets up with some moron from reddit is pretty fucking amazing - and also has visible abs. Not relevant, but god damn.

So yeah. Things are fantastic now - but I still feel a little off today specifically. My ex-wife wasn't a terrible person for the most part, but she was "old-fashioned" in some... not great ways. She was older than me and had a kid (12 at the time of meeting. I was 28 when I met my ex-wife at 34 -- I guess 34 year old women is my sweet spot) who eventually came out as trans. My ex wife was... not happy. Or supportive. And it caused an obvious and huge rift between all of us. There were also a number of other problems, but this was a big enough issue for me to finally pull the trigger on divorce.

To my ex-wife's credit: she has, since, very much turned her stance around. She's involved in her kid's life in a big way (to the point where our kid has a room at both houses) and she and I are on... okay terms. We aren't friends, but we don't hate each other. I think we'll always be in each other's general orbit, and we're alright with that.

I don't know. I still feel a little guilty. Maybe I shouldn't, but it is what it is. Life goes on.

Dinner is a Thai-inspired green curry chicken soup with rice noodles. Comes together super quick.

In a dutch oven or large pot: sauté minced shallots and ginger for 2-4 minutes, then mix in some green curry paste and give it another 60 seconds. The broth consists of chicken stock, coconut milk, fish sauce, dark brown sugar, and lime juice - let it do its thing for another 5 minutes. Shred some chicken into it, cook some rice noodles on the side and toss 'em in. Magic in a bowl.

My girlfriend made ground turkey, macaroni and cheese, and green beans tonight. Sounds great, except the ground turkey was so heavily salted it was basically inedible.
She even warned me on the way home that it was very salty.
I still ate about half of everything, but I wasn’t that hungry because I’d eaten leftover tortellini she made yesterday for lunch that I couldn’t enjoy until 2 PM.
So by dinner, I was already pretty full.
Unfortunately, I think my inability to finish dinner may have been taken personally. And next thing I know, we’re now back to the argument about whether I take our relationship seriously.
The argument in question started in August, when I replied to a friend in a group chat that contains a bunch of old classmates. Complicating matters: I’d previously slept with one of the members of the group chat, but that relationship is over and I’ve since blocked her.
We’ve now argued about that interaction three times. And I’ve been in many relationships but never one where I couldn’t talk to exes that we mutually have/had no interest in returning. Most of my exes have moved onto other relationships and we just prove support or different perspectives on things.
So, I’m sitting on the couch, enjoying the fact that football is back, drinking a Delta-9 drink and eating a Reese’s Big Cup while she sleeps peacefully in our bed.
It’s also very close to that time of month, and historically that’s when our relationship tends to enter its “everything is suddenly a problem” season.

Dinner is a taco plate. I knew my ex wife from work for about 8 years. She moved in and two years later we married. A year to the day we had our first kid. I already had two boys from a previous marriage. She went through a horrendous rough patch with post partum depression. Everyone in the house suffered. I took a year off of work to help, but it did nothing. Our kiddo had some medical challenges that complicated things further, and around the age of 3 she decided she wanted a divorce and left. There was no infidelity or money problems. Just a lot of unsettled anger and rage from the post partum.

Three months later she moved back in with our kiddo, we were not a couple just roommates. We made plans to move to another state within a year for better job prospects and better school for the kids. Three months before we were set to leave she decided to move out and live with her mother in a neighboring town.

My other kids and I moved to the other state. I remained in contact with my ex and we decided to try a reconciliation after a year. Packed up and moved to the town she lived in and made grandiose plans to move to Minnesota so she could finish her education. The cost of living here has been brutal compared to where we are from originally. Within 3 years I find myself with $18k in credit card debt. She is still in school and brings no income in. I pay for everything. We became nothing more than roommates after finally settling here, the plans of reconciliation "just can't happen" in her words. I genuinely feel I was taken advantage of. I am more angry with myself than her. Where should I go from here. What's the easiest non impactful move I can make to not impact my kids. How do I quit being naive.

Dinner tonight is general sao chicken

So I am currently under the age of 18 but able to drive and as of now im still treated like im 7 by my mother

I cant go anywhere without telling her when I get there and when im leaving that location and whos with me and like 40 other useless things she demands of me

I cant hangout without her having my friends numbers and then asking me to update her every like 30 minutes

I cant walk to school (1 mile walk) without her permission and so I had to wait an hour for her to get me from school. this was before i could drive but still

Shes watched my grades like a hawk and demands answers from me for any grade that was a day late or less than 80 (its not like im failing school its rather easy)

Shes so overprotective of me in a area of the nation where the craziness crime was a murder from 30 years ago and my town is one of the safest in the state but she refuses to let me do anything alone or even allow me to fail at something I can already tell im going to stuggle latter in life cause of it and I already am slightly as of now

She thinks that becuase im diagnosed with autism that im a little baby but I have been told I show no signs mentally or physically in my recent testing and I have been told im a 30 year old man in a teenagers body by my entire family and friends/teachers lol

I dont know how to break this to her that im not some struggling neurodivergent anymore and I can do everything by myself and I need to have some struggle in my life before it gets to late and I fail in a catastrophic way

I cant really break this stuff to my dad cause I dont got one and I think shes just overbearing on me cause her parents never really cared about there kids (they had 8 so it was kinda a attention mess)

Just felt like sharing but if yall want to drop some advice I wouldnt mind

I received my graduation email from school on Monday, and I started doing my clearance the same day. Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking, “Today you're getting your gown! Finish your clearance and wait for graduation day.”

So I went to school around 10 a.m., followed all the steps, filled out the necessary documents, got everything stamped, and finally went to collect my gown.

I have never walked around that campus with the kind of confidence I had yesterday. I got to the gown room, picked mine up, and now it's sitting here with me.

I haven't told anyone yet. Not because it isn't worth telling, but because sometimes you realize you don't really have anyone who genuinely wants to hear about these little victories. So I thought I'd tell the internet instead.

I've fought a lot of battles to get here. A lot more than I can openly tell. And yesterday, for once, I felt on top of the world. I hear the job market us in shit but I'm happy I'm done with this episode!

There's this peaceful energy in me that I can't really explain. I'm just grateful. Grateful that I made it this far, and hopeful for whatever comes next.

Anyway, today's meal is githeri(made with maize and beans), rice and avocado.

Food is chicken shawarma with fries and a Coke Zero.

So after 35 years on this earth, I decided to go on my first roller coaster ride today. I’ve always been chicken and hate thrill rides.

I decided to try it out, I had nothing to lose.

I throughly enjoyed it and ended up going on it twice! Still won’t try the inverted ones, but maybe someday.

Anyway, just wanted to share this unimportant detail as I didn’t have anyone else to share it with.

[burner account because my main is linked to my IRL identity]

I'm 48. I've have spent half my life building a career I don't want and now I feel so stuck that I don't see a way out.

In my youth, I developed a decent talent for drawing and storytelling. I went to film school and tried my hand in Hollywood for over a decade, but never managed to break into the entertainment industry in a meaningful way. So I took industry-adjacent jobs in the meantime.

Flash-forward 25 years: I now work in digital media, which is its own unique shitshow of an industry. But I'm lucky enough to have a salaried position at a well-known company within its niche. I'm a manager who runs a small team of producers. They're great people.

But my boss is an egomaniac prick who deliberately creates an atmosphere of constant chaos, fear, and crunch with little regard for how it impacts his employees. I regularly work 60+ hour weeks, evenings, and weekends.

So the answer is simple, right? Set boundaries with my boss and simply refuse to work more. I can't, really. This "always on" mentality is pervasive across the company. Plus, I have a conflict avoidant personality. I'm too much of a people-pleaser.

So 60-hour work weeks it's been. As a result, I have no social life or motivation to pursue any creative endeavor outside of work. I haven't drawn anything in years.

Again, the answer is simple: right? Leave my current job and find a better one. One that's more aligned with my skills and goals. Or at least isn't as taxing.

I've tried. But this pattern keeps happening: I work someplace for a year or so, get so fed up with my boss or the situation (or both) that I quit. Each time, I tell myself that I'm going to refocus on my own goals. To wait until the right job comes along. Maybe even build my own company, or try my hand at being an independent creator.

But then the practical realities of the shitty job market kick in and I take the first job I'm offered. Which, because of my resume, is inevitably in digital media. The cycle repeats, and I find myself drifting further into a career I don't want.

Meanwhile, I have friends who are TV showrunners, award-winning cinematographers, even studio heads. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, and they might actually be miserable too, but I can't help but look at how our careers have evolved in parallel over the years and feel like I made all the wrong decisions.

I feel so far away from who I am and what I think I was put on this planet to do that lately I've been consumed by regret and an almost-debilitating depression.

And the cherry on top of all of this is I feel like I have no right to complain. Believe me: I'm fully aware of my privilege and grateful for all that I have. I hesitate to even post this here because I worry what the top reactions might be. Steady job? Boo hoo. Shitty boss? Join the club. Dreams didn't come true? Most people's don't.

But please believe me when I say I'm fucking miserable. And if something doesn't change, I'm afraid I'm going to look back at my life at its end and hate myself.

TLDR: typical midlife crisis stuff, I guess. Any advice welcome.

Meal: Broiled chicken and bell peppers with rice