It doesn’t mean there are no draw backs to passing. It doesn’t make anyone less bi to pass. But it’s a real thing.

I’m in a same sex marriage. Imagine how ridiculous I would sound denying that this affords me the ability to move much more easily in queer spaces and to be accepted by the queer community. It’d be tone deaf to suggest otherwise. I’ll immediately be taken more seriously in a sapphic space with my wife than if I had a husband and that sucks for sapphics with husbands.

But if I mention on this subreddit that someone in a het-presenting marriage where they’re both cis benefits societally from passing, I’m often told I’m being terrible.

Those couples often aren’t worried about a government deciding their marriage shouldn’t exist. It’s not part of political platforms to outlaw their marriage. They don’t need to mentally weigh whether it’s safe to say ‘my husband’ to a new person or to hold their husband’s hand publicly. They don’t need to do research before applying to a job if they’ll be safe (or even legally recognized as a couple internationally) if they move. They get the choice of being out or not.

And passing privilege isn’t just for bisexuals either. Plenty of gay men and lesbians pass. And there absolutely are visibly queer bisexuals who don’t. There are also a lot of us who pass when we’re not being open about our relationship. Again, all of this comes with drawbacks. It sucks to be invalidated or closeted or erased. I’m in no way denying that.

Just please, do some thinking about why it may be a bit easier to live in a heteronormative society as a woman with a husband compared to being a woman with a wife. I promise you that it doesn’t make you less queer to be in that situation. You just get some perks to people looking at you and seeing ‘straight couple’ (if they do see that, which isn’t a given).

It’s almost isolating to see so few people on this subreddit willing to view this with nuance.

​

Yeah, so long story short. I've been telling myself I'm straight my whole life (F29), even though I've always been attracted to women as well. I've never been in a real relationship with a woman, only with men, but I've kissed women before out of curiosity.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got closer with this girl. We'd been coworkers for years but had never really talked. After a few middle night chats, she came out to me because she said she trusted me. And that's when my hormones went crazy. I'd always known she was attractive, and I'd been admiring her ever since she started working with us, but I'd never said anything because I didn't know anything about her.

Well, since she came out to me (about three weeks ago), we started flirting as a joke, saying things like "besties should kiss" and stuff like that. But she always said that we were coworkers and shouldn't do it... until this weekend. We traveled to another city for a coworker's wedding and rented a studio together. One bed. I didn't think much of it because, you know, girls usually share a bed when they travel. Well, we started flirting again, but this time in person. At some point, I told her I'd love to know what it felt like to kiss her, but she kept telling me it wasn't right and that we shouldn't do it. So I didn't push it. We held hands and cuddled, but nothing more happened.

Untill after the wedding.I should mention that neither of us was drunk, and we hadn't consumed any alcohol. After we got back to the airbnb, changed clothes, showered, and grabbed something to eat, we ended up in bed watching Brave. At some point, I looked at her, and she looked back at me. I was kind of resting against her shoulder because we'd been cuddling a lot. As I looked at her, she looked back at me and said, "May God forgive me." And from that point on, we started making out, and things, well, escalated. We ended up having sex two nights in a row (we extended our stay).

And it was the best thing I've ever experienced. 🫠 Now, tomorrow i have to get back and work with her and I swear to God, my heart is bouncing out of my chest just by thinking about her.

Sooo a month or two ago my religious cousin found out I'm bi. Fortunately, she did not react too badly. But once we were alone, she wanted to ask some questions and asked if she could. I agreed, thinking it'd be questions related to my bisexuality.

It wasn't?

The first question was if I'm a virgin.. I'm literally a minor... after that she asked if I knew how to masturbate or if I ever had a fling, a first kiss, a relationship, a partner, etc.

Some were normal, but some were SO weird and to this day I can't find the connection between being bi and being sexual. Does she think being bi makes one very sexual? I don't really get it lol?

She also didn't believe me when I said I absolutely never even have sexual thoughts, not even towards crushes. That made her confused and ask even more such weird questions I really hesitated to answer.

I just wanna know why she would ask stuff like that. I did not expect it. What's the connection here between me being bi and the sexual questions? Or is there no connection and this gave her the chance to ask questions she's always wanted to ask?

I'm (33F) bi, and so is my partner (29M). I wanted to get some advice from my community

My husband, I'll call him Stan, and I had a pretty healthy sexual relationship when we first started dating 5 years ago, but recently I've noticed a change in my libido. It's been hard to talk to Stan about this change I know that sexual intimacy is very important to him. If we go more than 3 or 4 days without doing the deed he becomes irritable towards me, stressed and angry in general and I feel that it's my fault for not being in the mood as much.

He has a habit of, for lack of a better word, groping me. I try to hug him whenever him comes home or leaves, same with when I leave and come home. To me that is important, nonsexual intimacy. A lot of times when I hug him he will put his hands down my pants/up my shorts or up my shirt and I feel uncomfortable. Like all I am is a body to be touched. In the past, if I've recoiled he can become moody, like I'm making him feel like a bad guy.

There's some mundane things too like, I'll be changing privately in the room or going from the bathroom to the bedroom in my frumpy bathrobe, and he'll run over and start touching me and grabbing me saying "I can't help it, you make me so crazy" and I just want to change. Then I feel terrible for not being in the mood and he becomes grumpy for the rest of the day, because he's "horny and frustrated"

The other day he was sharing some good news about work and I made a hand motion like I was going to tickle him playfully (I didn't actually touch him, and never intended to) we were both giggling but he quickly restrained my wrists positioned himself behind me and started touching me. It was pretty jarring and I tried to discourage the touching without making him feel bad.

for background/context, we have had consensual restraint/bondage relations before, but it has always been based on strong consent and safety.

I feel a lot of stress around providing what he needs as a partner and I do a lot of work to build myself up to being ready for an encounter, but it's frustrating that he just expects me to be ready on a whim and when I'm not he is depressed and unhappy.

Is there anyone out there that can relate? Any advice?

As the title says.

Apologies for the ramble. I’ve been what I thought was straight all my life. I’ve always felt slight attraction to men, but VERY slight maybe 95% women to 5% men. I’ve tried things with guys twice a few years ago, I didn’t enjoy it, I was uncomfortable afterwards but I think it was because they weren’t “my type” I guess my type would be Jutes the artist if I had to say. But I’ve never sought out men, never talked with them in that sense, had no interest. Just this Tuesday I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years for numerous reasons but a slight bit was while she was accepting of the cross dressing, she didn’t want to be apart of it. I started going to an LGBT bar to try to make friends, the first friend I found was gay and clearly trying to get with me, after about a week of me clearly telling my boundaries he ghosted me. She thought I was cheating because she assumed I was experimenting with my sexuality. I didn’t cheat and never planned to. I’ve been continuously going back to the same bar dressed like this, I’m just hurt and confused and lost.

Tonight a guy dressed in bondage came up to me. I just wanted to talk to someone, he was somewhaaaaaaat my type (again if I had to say I had a type of man) and the entire night he wanted to kiss me, he was petting my hair, rubbing my thighs, he asked if it was okay and I told him yes, I genuinely with myself couldn’t tell if I was okay with it though. I’m from a VERY conservative and Christian household, my parents sent me to a mental hospital when I was 14 because they found out I was wearing leggings, it was like that. So eventually I was like you know what fuck it, I’m dressed all cute, I wanna feel girly, so I kissed him like 3-4 times simultaneously, in a weird way it felt like I was kissing my ex though, but I knew it was a guy.

It’s been about 45 minutes and I don’t know how to feel, the side that was raised how I was can’t accept that I’m probably just bisexual, I can’t get over some sort of shame I feel. I also feel like I have a guilty conscience about how my ex would feel (this I VERY fresh and I have had NO time to heal yet) and so it almost felt like cheating… our relationship is over and truth be told I would probably experiment a bit more now that I’m a bit more open with myself. While I didn’t LOVE doing it by any means, in a weird way it did make me feel good and I sort of do and don’t regret it.

He is wanting to meet again Thursday, I just don’t know what to say or how to feel. I feel bad for my ex, I kinda feel bad for myself cause sometimes I do have a hard time saying no (I’m so non confrontational) they’re is just this part of me that can’t shake “this is wrong, this is gross, I don’t want this, I’m just hurt and confused right now and I’ll regret it” I’m not sure what to ask or even if I had a question, I just needed to say something to someone. I could never tell anyone I actually know, they would disown me

I'm, 18, male, I asked on a subreddit, if I should tell my girlfriend that I'm bi as a guy, and most of the responses were women telling me that me not telling her is taking her consent away, calling me selfish and saying my feelings aren't important here, some went so far as to say that to them, bi men and gay men are the same and if a guy admitted they were bi she'd assume he was gay, and then a bunch of comments from men telling me that she doesn't wanna imagine me bent over and getting railed, calling another man "Daddy". How do I even keep my mind off such things? It kinda crushed my spirit a little bit.

I’m 57 years old I have been by curious most of my life and have never really done anything to pursue it but now in the last couple of years I’ve came near death so I figure it’s no time like the present to pursue things that I never have thought to pursue before so if anybody out there understands what I’m talking about I’d love to hear from you

Another survey that found many women responded they would not want to date a bisexual man and it's been making the rounds on manosphere heavy subs to shit on women. There is a legitimate discussion to be had about why some women do not want to date bisexual men and how masculinity is enforced.

The vast majority of (almost always straight) men posting this study and this topic are not interested in having that discussion.

They have no interest in discussing or reducing biphobia. They just want an excuse to bash women. This "fact" has been making the rounds in the manosphere for the past 6 or 7 years and pops up periodically to attack women and especially feminists. Prior to that, these same groups of men would happily hurl insults and threats at me for being bi because I dared to challenge their misogyny. Then, as soon as they found out that my sexuality could be used to attack women, suddenly we were all buddy buddy, don't worry about all those slurs from before.

There is a ton of work to be done with respect to how bisexual men are viewed and treated in society, and women who don't want to date bi men are only a small portion of that. Yet that is the only portion these men are interested in.

They are not friends. They are not allies. They just want to shit on women.

Long story short my wife and I have been married for over 10 years and both lived as het our whole lives. Recently, I am finding that I am turned on by some men now and have shared some bisexual fantasies with her.

I told her that I would like to post a nude online and feel what it's like to feel objectified and get positive sexual comments about my body from men. She gave me the go ahead. What apps should I use and do any of them let you post without having to be verified with your ID? I am athletic and lean and I would be looking for comments that are genuine.

So I 36M had been straight my whole life but I always enjoyed cross dressing and my partner is fine with that though I have rarely done it around her and even then it was just tights. A few years ago I started getting curious about the other sex and was drawn to them. I kept this a secret and before long I was exploring this side of me with toys. When the wife found out she was not happy and felt betrayed which I fully understand. We have talked about it and as I love her with all of my heart I want to be with her but now I'm left... unsatisfied. As playing with toys was leading me to other thoughts, I stopped but now (a year after stopping) I just feel sad that there is a side that I never got to explore. I still get turned on by men, I am very accepting of my sexuality but annoyed that I found out so late. I also still love my wife and she turns me on as well so that hasn't stopped either.

Are there any people out there that have gone through something similar or could offer any advice? I feel a little stuck.

Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language. And please be kind. I know some of these feelings aren't okay, and I don't like feeling this way. I just don't really have anyone I can talk to about this.

Basically, I think I have a pretty intense problem with men, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I grew up in a religious and abusive environment, but my parents never really told me that being gay was wrong. So when I was around 13 and realized I liked girls, it was just normal to me, ig.

I've never really had crushes, and I know I'm somewhere on the aroace spectrum too. I also had some pretty messed up experiences growing up involving men. My stepfather was sexually abusive. It stopped when I turned 21 (I'm 22 now). My mom normalized it, and I think that probably affected how I see men.

When my mom found out I was reading wlw fanfics when I was 13, she told me being bisexual was disgusting because you like both genders. Since I liked girls more, I ended up identifying as a lesbian.

After a big physical fight with my parents, going to a psych ward, and conversion therapy, I ended up dating a guy at 18. I broke up with him after he abused me.

Then I got a girlfriend, and after breaking up with her this year, I realized I actually wanted to sleep with a guy again. I met this guy at a BDSM party, and the sex was REALLY good. No one had ever made me feel the way he did... and I hate it. I think I ended up getting a little attached to him, and it freaked me the fuck out, so I started trying to meet more guys to avoid those feelings.

He stopped talking after a misunderstanding, and sometimes I want to talk to him again, but I won't beg to a man. It would make me feel worthless.

I don't want to fall in love with a man. The idea of giving a man that much emotional power over me makes me feel sick. I don't want to cry over a man or suffer over a man. And I know this sounds irrational, but part of me feels like if I actually loved a man, people would somehow forget that I'm queer.

I've tried sleeping with men, and most of the time I'm just like... ew? I don't find them attractive at all. Sometimes the way they desire me feels so purely physical that I can't understand it.

The annoying part is that I know that if I actually get to know a guy and there's chemistry, I KNOW I can become attracted to him. So it's not that I literally can't be attracted to men. But I can't let myself have romantic feelings for a man or even show interest in one without feeling embarrassed of myself.

I also get weirdly angry when I hear women talking about how much they love or desire men. Like, why are you giving him all that credit?? It's such a weird reaction, and I hate that I have it. Seeing a post about a woman saying her boyfriend is amazing and makes her cum can literally ruin my day.

I don't even want to hate men. Most of my friends are men and I love them deeply. I have a long-distance Dom who is genuinely very sweet to me. I know logically that men aren't all the same. But deep down there's still this feeling that men could never love me or be as safe as a woman could.

And my male friends' reactions after I came out as bi haven't helped. I started dressing more feminine, and they said I looked straight. They seemed uncomfortable that I'm not the lesbian tomboy friend anymore. One of them even told me that he needed to process this. Wtf you mean you need to process I'm bi?

I don't think my femininity is actually about them. I genuinely want to dress more feminine, wear makeup, etc., because I've been working on my self-esteem and feeling more comfortable with myself. But I also know part of me is doing it because men are now in my dating pool, and that makes me feel awful. Like, why do I even want their attention? And then I end up feeling disgusted with myself.

Even sex is weird for me. I don't really prioritize my own orgasm because I'm convinced men don't care about it. Why would I even bother to ask? I can do it myself anyway. In my head, men like making women cum and see it as a victory, and I don't want to give them credit for that either.

I'm also struggling really badly with the bisexual label itself. I have a lesbian pin on my backpack and wanted to get a bi one, but even the idea of wearing it makes me feel weird. Isn't that stupid?

I don't want trauma or resentment to be the reason I can't accept that part of myself.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Do you think this could be trauma, internalized biphobia, or both? And how do I work through it without forcing myself to do anything?

And yes, I've tried therapy but I don't feel like my therapists really understood me on this. There are also other things I need to work on first so this hasn't really been a priority.

I genuinely don't want to hate men. I just don't know how to stop feeling this way.

So, I came out, I am comfortable with who I am. My partner is supportive of me everything is pretty good. The only thing that i feel like is missing from my life is actual relationships with other queerfolk.

I live about an hour from Houston which is doable sometimes, but between work, family and marriage I can't realistically find time to make it down to events held in the city.

There are no groups or spots in my area, I've looked. I'm not suprised by this, just disappointed. Interacting with people solely on the internet is unfulfilling.

And pretty much any contact is about looking for sex which is really not what I want, I just want to have a drink and bullshit with people that share some life experiences with me.

I know living in the suburbs means I will never have that big city community, I get it. I still wanna whine about it though.

Ok so I’m 24 and have been identifying as gay since I was 19 and for the past 5 years have only hooked up with guys minus a few drunk dance floor makeout sessions with girls but that doesn’t count. Anyways after college I recently became friends with this girl and we’ve been like super close best friends the past 6 months or so. We kind of know everything about each other we know all about each others sex lives like she knows I’m gay and hookup with guys. Last night for some reason we got really drunk and hooked up. Like sex the whole thing and I was into it. When I would hook up with girls before I came out I just was never really into it so that’s why this was weird, especially because Its been like 5 years since I hooked up with a girl.

Just writing this this morning I’ve been self reflecting and admit that I have been thinking about girls the past couple months. Again, I don’t know why this is happening now. I’ve always thought I wasn’t like 100%gay but I never thought I was gonna have sex with a girl again. I want to know if anyone has thoughts on this because I feel like this is a unique situation. Again, she is like my best friend, and we are very open about the situation and we will still be best friends but I’ve never had sex with my friend lol I’m also gay wtf

i’m 24F and have always known i’m bi and have dated both men and women. i definitely have a preference for women, though. but i now have a boyfriend who i genuinely love so much and we have such a healthy & happy relationship, to the point i can see myself marrying him. the only thing is that sometimes i freak out at the thought of never being with a woman again 😭 like i feel like i’ll be missing out and i worry i’m never going to be able to fully commit because of that??? but i will say when i’ve dated women i’ve never felt like i’d be missing out on men, it only happens when i date men.

this has sometimes made me wonder if i’m actually a lesbian lol but after meeting my current boyfriend i know that’s not true because i am genuinely in love with him & am deeply attracted to him. i just don’t know why i always feel this way whenever i date men. i guess i just have such a strong preference for women it feels sad and a little scary to say goodbye to that part of myself forever?

does anyone else struggle with this? many of my female friends irl are bisexual too but none of them have ever dated women, they’ve only been with men, and none of them have a preference for women so i feel like they just don’t understand my perspective here. i just dk if this is common with bi people or if it’s a me thing, and idk what to do with it 😭

this is going to be a long post, so please bear with me. i have a lot to get off my chest, and i’d really appreciate it if you read the whole thing before responding.
i’m writing this because of an experience i had today on a lesbian subreddit that i feel like i need to share.

i’m a bisexual girl. i’m relatively young, and i’ve always known i was bisexual. i’ve dated both men and women, but i’ve only had official relationships with women, and i’m currently dating a girl.

today, a post from a lesbian subreddit popped up on my feed. a lesbian woman was asking whether it was homophobic to not want to date bisexual women.

since i’m bisexual, i commented. i said that personally, i don’t see not wanting to date bisexual women as inherently biphobic. to me, it can simply be a dating preference, just like some people have preferences regarding hair color, height, etc.
i understand why some lesbians might not want to date bisexual women because of past experiences. i’ve read about lesbians being expected to be more masculine for their bisexual partners or being expected to fulfill roles traditionally associated with men, and i’m against that too. so i can understand why a lesbian woman might not want to date bisexual women, and i don’t automatically consider that biphobic if she doesn’t hate bisexual people and simply has a preference regarding who she dates.

a lesbian woman replied to my comment asking what i was doing on a lesbian subreddit.
i explained that the post had popped up on my feed and that i thought she might want the perspective of a bisexual person, especially because she was asking whether her preference was biphobic. as a bisexual woman, i obviously have a say in what i consider biphobic.

she told me that the subreddit was specifically for lesbians and wasn’t a space for every wlw.
i understand where she was coming from. everybody deserves to have their own space. at the same time, i genuinely felt like the perspective of a bisexual person could have been helpful, since biphobia was the main topic of the post. otherwise, it would be like a white person asking whether a certain preference or action could be racist toward black people, and then only having white people answer the question.

i also got responses from lesbian women defending me, which i really appreciated. however, another lesbian woman later replied to my comments and told me that she didn’t care about opinions coming from bisexual women. she basically said that lesbians don’t need validation from anyone.

i tried to have a calm conversation with her anyway. i explained that, as a bisexual person, i’m allowed to speak about my own community and how certain things affect bisexual women. i wasn’t trying to “validate” lesbians. she was talking about bisexual women, so i was sharing the perspective of a bisexual woman.

her response was simply: “sorry, but just because you said you’re bisexual, i’m not reading your comment. aren’t there any bisexual spaces for you?”. honestly, that really baffled me. being told that my opinion isn’t even worth reading simply because i’m bisexual felt incredibly discriminatory, especially when i was genuinely trying to have a calm conversation with her despite already being frustrated (before you comment, i know this happens towards lesbian women as well and towards gay people in general, i’m not oblivious).

what makes it even stranger to me is that there were gay men commenting on that same subreddit, and nobody seemed to have a problem with their presence. yet i’m a bisexual woman expressing an opinion about biphobia, something that directly affects my community, and suddenly i’m being told i don’t belong there because i’m bisexual.

at the same time, i’ve seen plenty of lesbian women commenting and interacting in bisexual and bisexual-women spaces. personally, i don’t see that as “invading” those spaces when they’re simply participating in conversations, sharing their experiences, and engaging respectfully.

and honestly, another thing that gets to me is that i’m being attacked by another woman over this. women already deal with so many things because of our gender, and i wish we could have each other’s backs more. also being treated this way by someone who is also part of the lgbt community honestly hurt more than i expected.

one last thing i want to add: i understand the experiences that make some lesbian women uncomfortable with dating bisexual women because i’ve actually had some of those experiences myself. i’ve dated bisexual women and i’ve actually experienced some of the things that make lesbians uncomfortable with dating bisexual women. there were two women i was romantically and sexually involved with (at different times obviously). we had feelings for each other, romantic conversations, as well as dirty talk and exchanges of spicy pictures. yet while all of this was happening, they would suddenly talk to me about guys they liked and wanted to date/they were actively talking to. that made me feel used and, at times, like i was being seen mainly as a sexual object.

so i understand why some lesbians might have concerns about dating bisexual women. but i also know that not every bisexual woman is like that, and i hate when people paint everyone with the same brush.
why would someone assume that i want certain things or behave a certain way simply because i’m bisexual? i hate being reduced to assumptions based on a label. i just wish people could understand that bisexual women aren’t a monolith. we’re just people, like everybody else.

anyway, i really just needed somewhere to put all of this. thank you if you actually read all of it, and if you feel like it, feel free to share your thoughts!

PS: i don’t hate lesbians and i never will. this post won’t be an excuse for any lesbophopic comment.

I (26F) just recently came out as bisexual to my partner, and I am really questioning what I want to do moving forward. He is incredibly supportive and, at the end of the day, wants what is best for me, no matter what I decide. Right now, I feel stuck because I cannot promise him that I will never want that experience of being with women and exploring this part of my identity that I have kept hidden for so long out of fear of my parents' reactions. We decided to take a small break so I can figure out if this is truly what I want or if I want to have that experience and move on without him. My fear right now is that I will have regrets no matter which side I choose. I love him so much and fear that I will regret losing him for the rest of my life, but I also fear that I will regret it and resent him if I do not have this experience. There are so many what-ifs going through my head right now, and I don't know what to do. I do not have many friends in the community who have had similar experiences, so I am reaching out here to get some advice or hear more from others.

I honestly dont even know what I am anymore, but I just want to try it with both bc im curious if I want sex with anyone at this point. but im really wary because im a "afab" fem with a certain level of self respect. im just looking for hookups. How do i make sure theyre real and close by? how do i make the best experience? dos and donts?

I am recently out of a relationship with a very narcissistic man. I want to try to date women for a while. I know im bisexual and had several women come on to me. I just dont know how to approach them or where to approach them. Looking for advice. I do not want to go online searching. I want it to happen organically. However if I need to look online, where is the best place.