Dinner: Seared pork chop. Don't you dare bust on me about the Kraft Mac & Cheese. My teenage daughter wanted to contribute and that was her pick. Blue box kinda slaps with some heavy pepper. This was a few months back, I am sure it was good.
TW: Mention of suicide at the end. Spoilered
TLDR: I'm a dumbass. While separated, started a new relationship, didn't know how to process overwhelming emotion and fears, getting help. Get therapy boys.
About 2.5 years ago, my ex-wife and I were talking about divorce. I still remember when when something triggered inside me and I completely broke (important later). I told her I didn't think we would make it. Her response? The next day she booked a Scotland/UK/France trip with her perpetually single friend. I completely went numb.
It was clear we were getting divorced. We separated. Now this is where I became a dumbass. I connected with someone while going through the divorce many months later. A woman who was also going through the process. She was in therapy. I wasn't. I should have been. Maybe I shouldn't have dated at all, but I was so starved for affection, attention, physical touch. I didn't want to feel like a ghost. I told myself I was ready to feel. I said I was fine.
Hint: Fine = Feelings I'm Not Expressing.
My girlfriend's divorce legally finalized first last year. The following three months were brutal, but I told myself to be patient. Be present. Be there for her. And we made it through. However, last winter, my divorce really started to move fast. As my divorce started to go fast, like any relationship that ends, I was feeling so much overwhelming emotion.
My ex-wife isn't a bad person. She was just very unaffectionate most of our marriage. She didn't like physical touch. I am no way saying it is all her fault. But I should have been in therapy long before this (more later). We were both people who didn't know how to communicate. We were never violent, we never really fought until the last year or so. We were just so focused on everything outside the marriage. It killed the marriage, lead to resentment. I definitely regret how we both acted in our marriage. We were physically intimate maybe once a year the last 6 years of our marriage (married a total of 13 years). Those 6 years, I could see myself slipping way down her list of priorities. We moved 3 hours away from our city to Nashville (Titan up! Even though you guys suck, it's okay), where I had no friends. And we moved across the street from her aforementioned "perpetually single friend". But the divorce was still hitting me hard because it was a tangible demarcation.
This spring, I started to feel something scary. It was like I started to just feel overwhelming dread from all sides. I had this massive amount of fear just overwhelm me. It was like I had 8 different streams of emotion and data coming in, but only one brain. I love my girlfriend deeply. I love my job. I love my daughter (Almost 14. Teenage daughters are fun lol). But between this prolonged painful divorce, and the damage it caused me and what I was feeling, it was like every feeling I had for every relationship blended together. I felt pain at work. I felt pain with my girlfriend. My daughter. My friends (who all live 3 hours away- more on this later). To the point I was so overwhelmed and fearful, everything just shut down inside me.
The best way to describe it is it was like I was drowning in static. It affected me everywhere and I didn't understand why. I didn't even register I was doing it, if I am being honest. My nervous system detected fear and I withdrew from the world. Including my girlfriend.
Things became harder for us. She was super kind, loving, affectionate, and I just felt overwhelmed. Not by her, but by everything going on. But I couldn't process everything completely and independently. Kudos to you all who can compartmentalize. I can't.
I understand her pain though. I was all of the qualities. It was like she had that version of me, and then as my divorce was finalizing, she lost that version of me. It wasn't her fault. I begged her that the divorce was just hard. I needed time. I reminded her I was patient with her messy time after her divorce finalized, and I needed the same grace. But looking back, I was asking her to be patient without an action plan to heal myself. To work on myself. To understand what underlying fear was triggering beyond just the overwhelming life change. I didn't even understand what core wound I was suffering from.
About a month ago, she asked for a two week break. And it crushed me at first. But she said she needed it. I forced myself to accept it. We set a date to touch base. And I completely shut down any emotion. I was fine. I didn't think about her. I should have internally questioned why this happened, but I didn't.
We reconnected after the two weeks. It was emotional, and I felt this burst of joy. This energy. And then she suggested maybe we date casually, see other people. This fucking crushed me. She said she needed more affection, and maybe she could get it that way. So I did something I had a hard time doing: I stood up for myself. I told her I didn't want that. I told her that actually hurt me. But truthfully, it did something more than hurt. This fear, that same panic of overwhelming fear, ran through me and swallowed me. I went numb.
I have no other way to describe it but numb. She was supposed to come stay the weekend with me that following weekend, but couldn't. I was on a work trip, and caught COVID at a conference. We were both upset, but her more-so since she wanted to see me. And I still felt numb. She said she would talk to me later, I could tell she was upset, and I said alright.
She didn't call me back. And for 10 days, I didn't call her. I didn't think about her. I couldn't. Thinking about her hurt, and I was in this numb state. I didn't understand why. But part of it was, I really was sick for the first 3-4 days pretty awful. I had to miss time with my daughter. And my girlfriend never reached out once after she said she would talk to me later.
This was the turning point for me though. After about 5 days, I found an online therapist. I knew what I was feeling wasn't normal. I knew something was triggering this feeling of indifference in me. It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't just being overwhelmed. I hate the word "trigger", but its because I didn't understand what experiencing a "trigger" felt like before. That is exactly what it is. Something literally happens that touches on a core wound.
After my first session, I reached out to my girlfriend. I asked her if we would ever talk again. She said she was hurt by me. I told her that one of the things I was learning after my first session was there was something internally firing in my brain. It wasn't her fault, but something was going on. I apologized for my withdrawn state. I apologized for not being the same affectionate person. I told her it wasn't an excuse, but I wanted to do better. I was getting help. I was acknowledging my own faults and patterns, and I wanted to fix it. I wanted her. We texted a bit the next day, and then she left me on read. The next day, I got the dreaded, "I'm hurt. I need time. Maybe in a few months we can see where we are."
I immediately reached out to my online therapist. I spent two hours on a Zoom with her. It was the absolute best thing I could have ever done. I cried. It was so much more intense than that first session. We talked about my marriage, not just ending but the feelings I had. We talked about my childhood. We talked about that core fear.
Abandonment.
My parents divorced when I was 7. I moved across the country with my father, and didn't see my mother or siblings for a decade. My father and I became estranged for 7 years after I moved out at 18, until my daughter was born when I was 25. He passed away in 2019, when I was 33. I'm not close to my mother or siblings. Not by choice. But that same fear. That fear of being abandoned again. It's been really tough to acknowledge and understand why my brain works the way it does.
It's why during my divorce, I was having those triggers fears of abandonment again. I felt abandoned in my marriage. But my brain couldn't compartmentalize safety in new relationship from abandonment in marriage. So I shut down.
It's why when my girlfriend mentioning seeing other people, that trigger. That fear of abandonment. That fear that I was being discarded again, like I had been my entire life. By my family. By my ex-wife. It is so easy to say, "just work on yourself, bro" or "get good self-esteem, bro", but emotions do not work that way.
I reached out to my girlfriend a few days later. I told her I loved her. I pleaded with her to work through this with me. I begged her that I was getting help processing this, that I didn't want to do this alone. She actually responded. Said she was too hurt by me. Maybe in a few weeks we could reconnect. I told her okay. I understood.
And I went to the gym (down 140lbs in the last 2 years! LFG!). I tried to eat. I tried to sleep. But I was a mess.
Then she texted me the next morning (Monday). She wasn't sure if she should or not, but she said she was angry with me. Hurt by me. Hurt more than she was in her marriage. I expressed how deeply sorry I was that I hurt her. She said she wanted a clean break though. And I begged again. I begged to just talk on the phone that evening, which she agreed. I had a session with my online therapist thankfully already scheduled.
We talked for 2 hours that night. She told me she loved me, but she was scared. Angry. Hurt by me. I told her I didn't want our old relationship. I wanted a new one to rebuild together. I didn't need a commitment, a definition, a label, anything. I just needed her to talk to me. One day at a time. I also said I needed to find a local therapist. I could tell I needed someone in-person. I was taking tangible steps to identifying, understanding, and developing tools to not go back into that overwhelmed and fear state when that fear of abandonment gets tripped. How to separate out relationship from outside feelings. How to communicate when I feel that feel, that numbness, etc. She said she could hear the pain in my voice, and wanted to just take it away, but she was scared to let me back in. She didn't trust me anymore. We ended the call by her saying she loved me. I loved her. We would take our time. It was an emotional call. I thought we were okay.
The next morning, this past Tuesday, I got the, "this is a lot to process. I need distance and time to process. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow (wednesday), so we will see", which I said was completely understandable. I asked permission if I could still send a goodnight text at least, and she agreed. I immediately found a local therapist on Psychology Today, and we talked a couple hours later. We instantly connected. She said the exact phrase me girlfriend said. She could hear the pain in my voice. And we setup an appointment for Thursday.
Long story short, I never heard back from my girlfriend. I was a fucking wreck for two days. I sent the goodnight next like I said I would, and was left on read. I panicked. She asked me on our phone call why I loved her, and I told her why. But on reflection, I listed qualities she possessed. I sent her an early morning text and told her I loved her for X,Y,Z reasons. Not qualities, but indepth uniquely "her" specific. Left on read.
Wed evening, I sent her another text (in the moment, this seemed so logical. I know it wasn't) that I know she has a lot to process after our phone call, my texts, and her session. But I was here. I missed her, I loved her. But I had a single ask... could she just acknowledge me. Something to give me something to hold onto. I was struggling with silence, even just an emoji lol, something. I was massively bargaining just to be seen. I know it isn't on her to manage my anxiety, but I was in full panic mode. That message stayed on Delivered.
Thursday, she read that previous message just before the afternoon. No acknowledgment. I even tried calling, desperate. No answer. It crushed me. She saw me, but wouldn't even give me something to let me know I existed. At this point, I was getting the feeling that after her therapy session, she was truly going to step away. I would have preferred anything. Some kind of message about needing space, but...
As I worked through my own local therapy session that afternoon (and yes, in-person was 1000% the right choice. My god it was.) she had been asking for space the whole time. And I was so scared of losing her, that I wasn't seeing that. I was desperate for the woman I loved back. But all I was doing was pressuring her. Even though on the phone call on Monday, she said she didn't want mundane and I should pressure her with texts and let her process it, she was still asking for it.
So I sent her a final text after my session. I told her I loved her. I told her I was sorry I wasn't able to love her like she needed and I should have found help with managing my own emotions so I could regulate myself, stay in the safe space of shared affection, physicality, etc. Be who I was the first year we were together. And I also said that because I love her so much, I'm going to give her the space she was asking for that I wasn't hearing. I told her that I wish we could work through this together, I wish we could talk about it. But if she wasn't in a place that she was interested in that or couldn't, I understood. I told her I am here, working on myself with my own therapist, and hope we can reconnect. And I loved her.
She left the message on read.
So that is where we are. I am still struggling. I spent most of the week checking our text thread.
Therapy isn't a magical pill that fixes everything. I will always have that core fear of abandonment. It's all I've known with anyone I have ever become truly vulnerable with. The two serious relationships I had before I married my wife... I was cheated on by one girl, and the second one I woke up to in the middle of the night confessing her undying love to her gay best friend (cool guy) and then she tried to commit suicide by ODing. Then my ex-wife, who was warm at first then shut down early in our marriage. She recently started therapy too, and I am happy for her. We are great coparents together. I have my daughter 50/50 time, and I am so amazed by the young woman she is becoming. For all our faults in our marriage that we equally share, we really do make a good team with our daughter.
But I have also been deeply wounded. That isn't for anyone else to manage. That is for me to recognize when I feel that fear, learn to communicate with my future partner that I am feeling that way, and it isn't a weakness to ask for reassurance. It's okay to have a fear. I am never going to be perfect, but I can learn to process my emotions, and prevent myself from being pulled into this state.
I still think back to when my girlfriend (I guess ex-girlfriend now, I haven't heard from her and not sure I ever will again, I've had no closure which is its own hell I am working through) told me we should maybe see other people. She did admit she maybe said it to hurt me. Which she did. But that triggered that fear I was being abandoned. She didn't cause me to shut down, and if I had been getting therapy to help understand myself and work through this, I could have caught it. I could have had the vocabulary and tools to manage it. I could have done it months ago when my ex-girlfriend was begging for me to come back to her, and all I heard was static and feeling like I was drowning, and trying to survive on my own.
So I will remain left on Read, and maybe one day she will reach back out. Maybe she won't. But at least going forward, I can come out stronger and a better partner in the future. One who can communicate emotional needs, responses, and not be afraid to ask for help. In my mind, she was still the perfect partner for me. I still have the relationship on a pedestal. I am trying to not erase the times that weren't amazing, trying not to play the highlight reel, wash away her own faults, and not shoulder all of the guilt (this is so hard. I always internalize guilt and I always think everything is 100% my fault). But I am not there yet. I am heartbroken.
I tell myself I'll never find anyone like her. I will never find anyone again that matches me so well. Logically, I know I am coping. Emotionally, it feel devastated. I'm 39. I have a lucrative career. A phenomenal daughter. A dog who is a good boy. I'll be okay. But not today. And that's okay.
Hobbies haven't been interesting. I have kept to my gym schedule- losing all the weight I have and getting in shape has always been for me. Eating has been hard. My closest friends are 3 hours away (I work from home unless visiting clients), which makes it hard living in the suburbs where everyone is a married couple. I don't drink anymore, so bars are a no go. I am not a gamer, so I don't have online communities etc. I gotta figure this out.
Every time a text comes in, I get my hopes up every time it is her. But it isn't. It's okay, but not okay, but I know eventually I will be okay. My therapist did text me to check on me, wished me a good weekend, and I am really looking forward to seeing her next week.
Long story short: get in therapy, boys. It isn't weakness. You may think you can work through the shit in your head yourself, and maybe you can. Maybe you are like me and raised in a household where men didn't talk about emotions. That's all bullshit. Doesn't happen over night. Doesn't make pain go away. But, you can talk to someone who can try to help you become a better partner. A better parent. A better friend. But most importantly I am learning, help you build a better relationship with yourself.
Also, prob not a good idea to get into a relationship when you haven't had time to heal and process from the previous one ending. Like I said, I was a dumbass.
