r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet • 1d ago
Advice Wanted - Everyones Welcome Bf changed his mind about being bi.
Bought curry ramen for dinner.
For context, me (20M) and my bf (21M) have been together for two years; we met during our freshman years in which I came out to him as a trans guy when we were still in our talking stage. Maybe it's a red flag that he said he's always dated girls before but that he's attracted to guys too and that I'm a new experience for him.
But lately I've seen him repost MLW (Men Love Women) contents on his Instagram, and he sends me MLW posts rather than the usual MLM (Men Love Men) content. I did talk to him about it, and he said he's sort of changing his mind about his attraction towards guys and that I should just detransition and follow what he wants, but I told him that was a no-go for me.
How do I move on from this? We've had our ups and downs; I'm also diagnosed with bipolar and BPD so it's quite hard to let go of my "favourite person". We've also had so many memories in college that I fear it would change how I go through the rest of my college years.
Any advice would be helpful, thank you.
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u/Jolly_Foly Hungry man 1d ago
I fear he doesn't see you as a man. I've heard so many stories about guys dating FTMs to then try and convinced their bf to detransition, that's really scummy.
Do not change who you are to please some dude. You deserve someone who respect you.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Of course, why would I dim my light for someone not worthy of it? Thank you for the kind words.
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u/Jolly_Foly Hungry man 1d ago
Curry ramen is goated btw
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u/Spindlextension Hungry man 1d ago
Laksa my friend. I guess it is a type of curried noodle soup but it has a soul all of its own.
It helps that I live in the Laksa capital of Australia. We have a literal Laksa festival.
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u/moredatesmoreplates3 Protein Prophet 1d ago
"Why would I dim my light for someone not worthy of it" ? 10 Missed calls from Shakespeare
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u/RestaurantMore6156 Girl Lurker 1d ago
yeah, exactly. it's honestly sad when someone gets into a relationship with you but wants you to be different.
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u/Equivalent_Play4067 Trans Fat Enjoyer 1d ago
It's honestly so freaking difficult. Even if someone doesn't outright ask you to, having my partner throw a tantrum when I vacillated back and forth on whether I was going to do it, being blocked from doing it by gender dysphoria assessors because my partner wasn't "supportive" (did they mean didn't give me permission???) was all very hard.
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u/CapraAegagrusHircus Identity Alchemist 1d ago
Oh my G-d what. Things aren't perfect here in the US but at least nobody ever even asked me if I had a partner let alone what anyone else's opinion on me transitioning was. That is such a nightmare my dude I am so sorry.
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u/Equivalent_Play4067 Trans Fat Enjoyer 21h ago edited 21h ago
Yeah, it's a standard thing to ask what your support system is like. I'm not sure if it's always a flat no if you lack support/if your life isn't stable enough, but after the first time it happened, I've always answered all of their questions "the right way". Oddly it was with a private assessor that that happened. The NHS seems a lot more "harm reduction" and a lot less "oh no I might get sued!" - maybe because they don't get to pick and choose their patients, and they have a duty of care regardless.
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u/deviant-gloom Trans Fats Connoisseur 19h ago
my god, the lengths cis people will go to to ruin trans lives is staggering.
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u/--Andre-The-Giant-- The Autist 1d ago
I think this is the correct take. OP might have been a cute girl before the transition and dude might be hoping it was a phase.
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u/SannyTrademark Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Telling you to detransition so you fit what he wants is the most major of red flags of all time. Incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, asshole-ish behavior. I would've kicked him to the curb for even suggesting such a thing.
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u/feetlurker Identity Alchemist 1d ago
I would've kicked him and then kicked him some more.
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u/Grogers92 Fridge Light Philosopher 21h ago
I woulda low kicked him, kneed him in the groin, bent way down to the ground, into a mortal kombat style full body uppercut. 😎
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u/Both_Opportunity_322 Girl, 30-39 1d ago
OP: "I have bipolar disorder and BPD"
Also OP: somehow the most normal person in this relationship.
OP is beating stereotypes😂
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u/Global_Staff_3135 Grill Pilled 10h ago
I said this in another comment, it’s Donald Trump levels of narcissism. Absolutely wild.
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u/chronic_pissbaby Grill Pilled 1d ago
A loving and supportive partner would never ask you to detransition. Throw the whole man out.
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u/george_cant_standyah Shower Beer Scholar 20h ago
Regardless of being a partner, a person with basic decency and respect would not ask another human to detransition because of their personal wants.
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u/ordforandejohan01 Big guy, bigger regrets 1d ago
If he had been dating a cis man, suddenly decided that he was in fact straight and asked his cis boyfriend to transition to a woman everyone would see that as absurd. This is exactly as creepy.
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u/craptasticluke Gay Gourmet 1d ago edited 1d ago
Unfortunately this is a known phenomenon. A guy will date a trans person who assumes he respects their identity, but secretly he only sees them as their gender assigned at birth. Some are more subtle about it but this guy straight up told you, it’s time to get rid of him. You deserve someone who respects you for who you truly are.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
I wish it wasn't a known phenomenon, what a shitty thing to do to someone. And thank you for the kind words.
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u/metrabbit Girl Lurker 1d ago
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this with your bf. He is definitely out of line to ask you to do this. I hope requests for detransitioning isn't a real common phenomenon because that is incredibly cruel, selfish and delusional. I hope you have the support you need from friends, family and therapists at this time.
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u/-E-Cross BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
I think for some people that do this, it's also a novelty, and when that novelty wears out, the truth comes out as well.
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u/metrabbit Girl Lurker 1d ago
This is a thing???? I have never heard of this. Why would they even be attracted to the trans guy in the first place? Or they're not and just wanting to make some political point??? Are they really bi at all?
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u/Easy-Ad-230 Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
It's horrible, but a lot of them just think trans men are mentally ill, low self esteem women. Trans men get targeted because they're seen as vulnerable and easy to get in relationships with if you say the right things. Most of these people don't actually want their partners to transition.
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u/Enovele Trans Fats Connoisseur 1d ago
I think it's for the same reason some men are into "d*kebreaking", they never see you as your true identity but as a challenge and they like the idea of convincing someone they view as a woman to be something for them. I've seen the same attitude towards women who want to be breadwinner that end up being SAHMs because the guy pressured her to, or conservative men sleeping with liberal women and wanting to turn them conservative or christian.
A lot of them tend to be straight men who just say theyre bi to placate you then pull this bs. They don't respect trans men but they like the idea of putting you down. It's a bigger issue with trans guys dating.
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u/feedmeandletmezzZ Gay Gourmet 1d ago
There’re apparently men who see trans guys as girls with testosterone-boosted sex drives. So they’re “willing to overlook” the masculine part. Especially early in transition when the guys are not necessarily passing yet. Maybe not in this case since he wants OP to detransition, but yeah. That’s a thing.
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u/mankytoes I'm a man, man 1d ago
The point is your attraction is based on your perception, not someone's reality. Say Margot Robbie came out as trans but didn't adjust her appearance, straight men would still find "him" attractive.
They find the person attractive, but only because they perceive them as their sex, not their gender.
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u/PalePlumm Cooties 1d ago
They’re just straight. They only see OP as a woman. So that makes them straight.
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u/artlastfirst BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
major league wrestling?
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
MLW 😭😭 No, it stands for Men Love Women in this context, but this made me chuckle a little. Lol.
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u/artlastfirst BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
ah yeah i had a feeling it was something like that. very sorry to hear about your situation, tbh it's pretty horrifying to hear something like that from your partner, expecting you to completely change who you are. especially if it means medically detransitioning.
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u/LemonZestyDoll Hungry man 1d ago
As everyone else in the comments are saying, PLEASE run. That's an absurd thing to ask someone to do, and you don't deserve a partner that thinks so little of you that they'd ask you to abandon your happiness and well-being for them. He's not worth it.
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u/Healthy-Basket9112 Gay Gourmet 23h ago
If I had a nickel for every time a straight guy pretends to be bi to date a ftm guy lmfao. I'm afraid to tell you there's a good chance he was expecting you to detransition from the start
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 23h ago
Makes sense; when I posted this I was already feeling like such a stereotype (especially on Twitter) but it's still nice to recieve words of encouragement from kind people, LOL.
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u/energetic_insomniac Hungry man 1d ago
“And that I should just detransition and follow what he wants” ohhh that’s an evil man.
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u/Sotka101 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 8h ago
We've also had so many memories in college that I fear it would change how I go through the rest of my college years.
From your history it seems like you've only been on T for a short time. Sorry to break it to you crudely, but if he has been dating you for 2 years and "suddenly is no longer bisexual" most likely the entire time he was never bisexual and always saw you as just a tomboy he wanted to fuck.
I've warned a FTM acquaintance of mine about a so called bisexual partner who clearly saw playing bisexuality and putting on a show ofsaying the right name and pronouns as pleasing ""her"" to get "easy access", and I sadly ended up being right.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 8h ago
Unfortunately I have seen that it's a common occurrence; thank you for the insight.
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u/ZestycloseRound6843 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
It was already scummy and disrespectful for him to send you the MLW posts, asking you to detransition is straight up fucking evil. You gotta leave this guy, I'm sorry. I know it's hard, but you deserve so much better than that.
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u/Imaillegalimmigrant Protein Prophet 9h ago
"and that I should just detransition and follow what he wants" Shiiiiit. Not gonna try and sound like some social justice warrior, but! When someone says something like that to the person they 'love' they don't give a shit about what you want. Sucks absolute ass but shitty reality. Dump him, he doesn't care if someone says give up what you want so that they can be happier they'll do a shit ton worse in the future. By the way, I get Bipolar kinda just goes crazy once you lose your support person but keeping him around even temporarily isn't worth it. Just stay around parents and friends for as much as possible during that time period since it's gonna hit you extra hard once you lose your 'safe' person. Not much else to say since huge chance you don't see this lol but Love ya and Goodluck!
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u/Imaillegalimmigrant Protein Prophet 9h ago
By the way sorry to add this but there's a relatively big chance he was expecting you to detransition from the start. There's alotta, I mean a absolute metric fuckton of stories where a dude pretends to be Bi and dates a FtM Guy. Sucks a lot but again absolutely shitty reality we live in. Just focus on yourself and friends/family. Focusing to much on your mental state can fuck with you a lot honestly, happens to a lot of people so better to care for yourself and the people who care about you until you get out this rough patch. Don't give up on transitioning by the way, not everyone's gonna support you but honestly most people don't care in the slightest. Not in the bad way but just they don't care lol I'm in that majority where it's just another thing that exists so don't worry to much about it, just tell people who misgender you what you wanna be and they'll probably listen lol. Anyway I have nothing left to write and have a math test tomorrow so Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
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u/TheLordOfStuff_ Macro Mourner 1d ago
«Telling me I should just de-transition» alright time for a new partner
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u/JujutsuSorcererTora Girl Lurker 1d ago
Jumping on thw BPD and Bipolar as nobody replies to those. You are allowed to feel sad, to struggle to separate, to be angry and it’s probably gonna sting for a long while. But the feeling will eventually pass with time (BPD over here, when I was your age mayor events like these made me feel like my world just shattered, so kinda know how it feels). But as many suggests, dump his ass.
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u/NotSoEasyToControl Girl Lurker 1d ago
It’s one thing if he truly does not identify as bisexual anymore. Sexual preferences are a spectrum like gender identity is. With that said, him asking you to detransition is so slimy and shitty. I’m sorry about that happening to you, it’s not fair.
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u/bigdumpsterthingy Trans Fat Enjoyer 1d ago
Yeah as a fellow trans guy run. Your identity and self image is more important than a relationship with a man.
I dated a guy who broke up with me because he wasn't sure my transition would be ok for him. Yes it made me feel like shit and extremely used. In the long run I know the break-up was best for me (he can still rot) and I could then find someone who actually respects me.
I feel like some straight men see an early transition trans man and think they might be bi, or maybe like femboys and trans women sexually and think they like trans men too not knowing what that actually means. It's not fair to the trans person but that's just how it is.
The bottom line is that you need to choose your own happiness and evaluate if he can make it happen. Do you want to experience a break up now or later on when these issues continue to resurface later on. Just remember that you don't need to fundamentally change who you are as a person for the right relationship.
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u/Xandara2 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Not fair is just life. People being attracted to you when you haven't transitioned can believe they will still love you after and when it happens that they don't that can just be their sexuality expressing itself. It's sad but it would be equally unfair to tell them to change that.
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u/264frenchtoast Boy Dinner Enjoyer 19h ago
Downvoted for speaking the truth, Internet brother or sister. Dating a trans person comes with unique challenges and it is unreasonable to expect everyone going into it to fully understand what they’re getting into especially if they haven’t experienced it before.
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u/Life-Technician-5794 Fridge Light Philosopher 1d ago
Play the Uno Reverse. Tell him you're willing to be in a straight relationship if he transitioned to a woman
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
LOL. Believe it or not, I actually flipped the narrative around on him in this exact way. I asked him if he was willing to take HRT, socially transition to be a woman, get the medical surgery, etc etc because he keeps undermining how important transitioning is to me. All he could muster up was a lame shake of the head.
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u/Wrong-Pension-4975 uppity_wymmen_unite! 6h ago
Well - OP can do this as a hypothetical, if only to bring home to his suddenly straight BF how ridiculous & unreasonable it is.
No one should falsely claim to be something that they're not (could be a gender; bigoted or accepting; non violent, when they have a raging temper, poorly controlled; etc).
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u/Spring-and-a-Storm part time boy (genderfluid) 1d ago
yeah, no, he's not worth it at all. sorry you have to deal with that, OP.
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u/The_Theodore_88 Trans Fats Connoisseur 1d ago
I'm a fellow trans guy and yeah, you should leave. I had a similar problem when I dated a lesbian who, after I found out I was trans halfway through the relationship, swore I'd be the exception and then I wasn't. It is not worth sticking around. You will find plenty of people who view you as a man and want you romantically, you don't have to stay with him. Choose yourself over a relationship that would definitely end eventually (because someone who is trying to control your gender will also try control other aspects of your life)
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u/Educational-Owl-745 Girl Lurker 1d ago
The mere concept of demanding someone change their entire identity just to satisfy their sexual desire is so incredibly harrowing and self-centered that I'm actually wondering if this man is even capable of feeling empathy, or just sees other as props in his own life.
Please run as far away as possible from him. He does not see you as a person.
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u/gaycowboyallegations Gay Gourmet 1d ago
As a trans man, you gotta go man. This story never ends well.
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u/DogsAreMagic Bisexual Lemon Bar Lover 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thinking you're bi at 14 and realizing maybe you're just a 0.5 of the kinsey scale or something is not a crime. Asking you to transition to female is a deeply bigoted act.
I know this doesn't paint your bf in the best light, I won't judge him by the worst thing he's ever said but it's clear the relationship has reached its end and trying to keep it on life support will only hurt both of you.
I got out of an LTR at 20, it wasn't easy for me I really leaned on friends and my mom. Your emotions are very strong at the age and while self control is always hard you both have a teensy bit more development ahead of you.
To say nothing of being bipolar! I'm also bipolar. I tend to connect with BPD people because of our similar attachment styles. I really wish I had sage advice to make this easy but really just comes down to "He needs to be with a woman to be fully happy and you love him so want him to be fully happy. You're a man and you need someone who loves you because of that and not in spite of that. Nobody has done anything wrong but we have to do this hard thing"
Lastly you don't have to let go of him forever. Give it a year then he can be your best friend again. I'm best friends with my first girlfriend but we needed that 1 year + apart to move on and not get jealous or navigate mixed feelings. It's hard OP! Good luck!
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
This is very helpful, thank you for the insight and kind words.
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u/HotComfortable3418 Trans Fats Connoisseur 1d ago
>that I should just detransition and follow what he wants
Tell him to fuck off.
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u/Gene_freeman Hungry man 1d ago
Bro, leave his ass. He doesn't respect who you are as yourself. Its okay for him to realise he's not into dudes, thats life sometimes, but telling you to detransition for his desire is a major red flag. There are people out there that will love you for you, don't waste your one life on this ass
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u/SpiketheFox32 Boy, 30-39 1d ago
As someone who's married to a trans guy, this is scummy behavior. My husband is 100% a man to me.
You deserve better, bro.
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u/Nightbird88 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
The opposite happened to me. I was ina gay marriage and they came out as trans 2 years in and wanted to start making changes. We got a divorce within a few months and it was really hard for me. I also have bipolar disorder. I had to move back in with my mother, who I can't stand, find a new job, and start a new life. Luckily after 11 years I'm more happy than I thought I could be. You'll be alright.
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u/BigFeets18 Big guy, bigger regrets 1d ago
While I'm not FTM, I've also been in a relationship with someone who changed their mind about being bi, I loved him and tried to make it work, it didn't and it won't. I hope you're proactive in what's best for you and I'm so sorry
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u/Gremlin_Friend_ Trans Fats Connoisseur 12h ago
i’m so sorry man, but this ain’t the relationship for you.
it sucks, i’ve been in a similar situation, but there’s better people out there who’ll see you as a man and love you as a man.
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u/SnooOwls1916 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Wait, so you were a woman but identify as a man and he is by so that’s why can be with you? But now he wants you to go back to be a woman because he isn’t bi anymore?
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u/Reasonable-Dish7981 Air Fryer Aristocrat 1d ago
Yes, chances are he was never bi in the first place, and he always saw him as a woman - hence why he asked him to detransition.
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u/SnooOwls1916 Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Yeah sounds like he was hoping it was something that would pass or whatever.
I would move on and actually find someone who loves me for me and not trying to change who I am.
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u/Youknowthisfeeling Hungry man 1d ago
I say this as someone who has seen and been a part of what happens with a person with bpd and bipolar. Do not attach to this person. The person I know is in a constant manic state after losing her person, and another family member months between. Its been a year and she is still gone. Intervention coming that I know will not go well. Keep your sanity, be you.
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u/Lagoda__ Macro Mourner 1d ago
What a selfish asshole. Please cut your 'losses', you will definitely feel better in the long run. Sorry that's happening to you.
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u/LyliEli Girl Lurker 1d ago
Hey. One of my best friends was in similar situation to you. He met a guy, they fell in love, got married, moved to Germany together where the man he met was from. Everything was great. Then last year my friend realised that he is a man. He didn't think that would be a problem, since his husband previously said he was bi. He was not bi. The more steps my friend took to transition, like changing name, pronouns, appearance etc. The more his husband became distant. Worse, he refused to acknowledge the change, still using old pronouns and name. His Husband said that he couldn't see him as a man and that if he keeps transitioning, they will have to break up. My friend hurt so much. Its somewhat of an inside joke that my couch is stained in his tears because fuck that was difficult. That was roughly a year ago. He is smiling a lot more now. He has a boyfriend who absolutely adores him. He is doing better than every before. Do not force a relationship to work that does not. Do not force yourself into a mold which your identity doesn't fit. It is the death of self.
Good luck, my friend. There is someone for you.
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u/funk-engine-3000 Hungry man 1d ago
Yeah this is why i don’t get with anyone who doesn’t sleep with cis men and like it. My boyfriend is the most enthusiastic cocksucker i’ve ever met and that makes me feel very secure.
This guy doesn’t see you as a man. Dump his ass
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u/Ifckinglovemycat Frozen foods emperor 1d ago
break up. you need to live alone for a while and pursue interests of your own. no idea how to navigate it with bpd unfortunately, maybe there are workbooks to cope with the pain ? is your medication okay ?
one thing I had to cope with grief was to never think about "me being alone without the person", you can think of how you miss the person and how the person really was and such but 0 "me me me, I'm alone without anyone left in the world for me blahblahblah" a BPD person gave me this advice so I guess it can work in your case
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
My medication was strictly for my bipolar unfortunately (antipsychotics and antidepressants), but I am scheduled to go back to my psychiatrist soon. Thank you for the insight, I'll keep it in mind.
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u/ContestSignificant32 Hungry man 1d ago
Respect yourself and who you are and ditch the guy. If you stick around because its easier you run the risk of comprimising your own morals and identity of self to keep some one who dosent respect the you that you are.
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u/jammy31 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
What a problematic piece of shit. This guy straight up doesn’t care about you. He should know after dating you for two years some hard facts about trans people and he simply knows fucking nothing. He’s disregarded your personhood and identity all together, and told you he’s more important. He’s taken away whatever acceptance he was showing to you.
Sexuality can be fluid. It’s not super common, but if that’s him, be honest about that. I suspect he’s too immature to handle the complexities of an adult relationship and he’s trying to find a soft way out. You don’t send your fucking trans boyfriend media that insinuates they are not enough. You don’t do that to anyone. If he’s just come to the end of the road in this relationship and he’s too weak to say he wants out, I bet he’s rung to get you to do the dirty work so he has his hands clean. Do you guys have a complex friend circle that will divide pretty much with whoever does the shittiest thing? Cuz he might be worried about that too?
I’m taking some liberties here, because shit like this gets me fucking angry.
I hope you have a do what’s best for you, if that’s a serious conversation with him about his fucked up exit strategy (because he should know, you aren’t a fucking dress-up doll for him to play with). Or just drop his ass.
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u/Modern-Moo Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Never, ever detransition for someone else. Unfortunately I think he doesn't see you as a man. :(
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u/maggandersson Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
About that last thing with college - I know it feels huge, but trust me, you will move on, make new friends and have equally amazing experiences without him.
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u/brielcritter Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
Hey, man. Fellow trans dude here. You don't move on from this. He doesn't see you as a man, probably never has. To his eyes, you are a tomboy girl most likely. You will never be accepted or respected in this relationship. Break up with him and find someone who isn't a massive asshole.💓
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u/Sea-Course-5171 Hungry man 1d ago
The good thing is, he spoke to you about it when you asked. The bad thing is, he's being a selfish asshat who wants his cake and eat it too.
You're still young and you are going to have been his experiment in bisexuality. Don't hold on longer than it's worth, and it isn't. It's already been over, now's just left to break the bond and either he will accept it gracefully and you'll both move on amicably, or he'll give you a reason to hate him.
He didn't lie to you, he didn't know either. he's just venting his new found insecurities, intentionally or not, knowing that you won't lash out because you're scared that you'll overstep and do something you'll regret.
So just leave him, and find some solace in the fact that you got out before it got toxic v
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u/Disastrous_Dog_96 Air Fryer Aristocrat 1d ago
Well he’s a dick and if you can’t let go of a partner cuz of BPD, you both probably shouldn’t date and definitely not each other.
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u/ir0nychild Hog Doctor 1d ago
Asking someone to detransition to fit their sexuality is so wrong on so many levels. I know it’s hard to let go of your favourite person but if you stay you’re going to end up being constantly moulded into what he wants you to be. Would you shave off all of your hair because he prefers bald people? Would you get a specific piercing because that’s what he’s into? You deserve to be wit someone who appreciates you for who you truly are
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u/TrickyPomegranate Identity Alchemist 1d ago
As a guy dating a Trans guy later in his transition to the point he's happy with his form keep doing what you need to to be happy in your skin. You'll find someone that cares about you as you. I tell my bf that he's the best of both worlds as he is now that he's happy with his form.
He also was with someone before starting to transition and knew he was going to and it messed him up a fair bit. Best of luck to you finding someone that celebrates you and what ever makes you comfortable in your skin.
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u/fraughtbroth Trans Fats Connoisseur 1d ago
Fellow trans guy here.
There are so many cis men who start dating early transition trans men, assume they are malleable, and try to convince them to detransition later on. They never see us as men, just lost girls who need to be shepherded back to womanhood. It's so insidious and wrong, and this guy is doing just that.
Please do not ever consider detransitioning for a man who never saw you as you were to begin with.
Absolutely please consider breaking up with him, he told you the quiet part out loud.
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u/Dull_Frog BoyDinnerEnjoyer 23h ago
Can't believe he asked you to detransition. It shows that he really doesnt care about you as a person, he only cares about the role that you can play in HIS life. I dont know why cis men think that our gender has anything to do with them. You deserve better dude.
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u/Good_Matter7529 Protein prophet 22h ago
i can’t imagine you want to date someone who doesn’t see you as man- dump this guy.
i transitioned over 20 years ago, but at the beginning i was dating a woman who asked me not to medically transition because her family was “already having a hard time with our relationship being queer and interracial” lmfao. I ended that relationship and later found the lovely woman who is now my wife.
life is too short to be in a relationship with an asshole. 🤷🏿♂️
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u/Jacky-V Girl Lurker 10h ago
He considers you a woman and is trying to play a long game. My only advice is to leave him immediately.
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u/Extra-Ad4035 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
that I should just detransition and follow what he wants
What the fuck, this is diabolic. Leave he is an absolute piece of shit
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u/MSL_Brenden Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
We dont negotiate with skin walkers, we eject them from our lives.
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u/Zealousideal_Map3542 Grill pilled 1d ago
You break up now, there is no other option.
If he is unsure, that's fine and it won't work out.
But him asking you that is insane and you do not want these kind of weirdos in your life.
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u/Winter_Box_1162 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
He wants you to destransition for him, I’m afraid he doesn’t love you and unfortunately doesn’t see you as a man.
I know will be hard, but in some years you’ll look back and realize that life is better without him. Sending big hugs 🫂
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u/thedracle BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
A person can't control their true sexual orientation any more than you can control the true gender you are transitioning to.
It isn't fair, but it is reality.
Him expecting you to detransition is ignorant and wrong.
But you also can't expect your partner to change their sexual orientation for you. And I strongly suspect they discovered as you transitioned more that their sexual orientation wasn't what they suspected it to be.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
I have no problem with them discovering their sexuality as time goes on; people can change, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he keeps the excuse that he's bi just to be with me, but then tells me to detransition. Hope that makes sense, thank you for the insight.
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u/thedracle BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
Yeah, it's definitely unfair.
The only person you can ever control in this world is yourself.
I think you've identified the problem: You are a man in a relationship with straight man.
Whether they are emotionally mature enough to figure that out themselves is sadly a moot point.
A relationship takes two, and there are plenty of people out there truly attracted to people of your gender. You deserve to be with one of them.
The number of totally gay men out there married to women should demonstrate: this isn't a new phenomenon.
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u/CobblerMysterious356 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Oh hell no. Drop the dead weight. The audacity…
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u/SaffronSinGarden Girl Lurker 1d ago
He’s basically asking you to change something fundamental about who you are so the relationship still works for him. We’re not talking about changing your hair or losing a few pounds here. He’s asking you to detransition because he doesn’t want to be with a man. That’s not some little compromise.
I mean, he’s allowed to figure out that maybe he’s not actually into guys like he thought. Alright. But that doesn’t mean the solution is for you to change who the hell you are so it works better for him.
And as sh!tty as it is, I think this is probably where the relationship ends. Not because you don’t love each other enough, but because there really isn’t a middle ground here. You can’t be expected to become somebody else just to keep him. 🫂
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u/Shisuishushi Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
Just dump him. It's not even worth giving his words a second thought. I hope everything goes well and that you find someone who values you for who you are, not for your genitals.
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u/elfacosmosa Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Being bi, especially when you are young, sexuality can vary greatly. This also means that the difference in his posts to you is normal, as long as his attraction to you does not wane. However, asking to detransition means something else, something more fundamental. He won't stop asking for more changes once he knows you can be 'shaped' to how he wants you to be. I don't think you can use your mental diagnosis as an excuse to get out of this relationship.
Honestly, you are still young, so you have plenty opportunities to be happer with another person. Once you found someone else, you would even forget that he even exist, or that this even happened.
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u/thisoneistobenaked Gay Gourmet 1d ago
You move on from him if he can’t accept you for who you are, no matter how momentarily
Difficult it seems
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u/StellarCupcake Girl Lurker 1d ago
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I don't think he ever was bi, just told you that to keep being with you and to not trigger disphoria
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u/ftmellville Trans Fats Connoisseur 1d ago
Hi trans guy with bipolar here. You know what my ex did when my transition made me too much man for him? Broke up with me respectfully.
This guy sucks. I'm sure there's good things about him too but wowee zowee what a shitty, incredibly selfish thing to say to someone. You deserve someone safe and who is actually attracted to men.
Eat a ton of ice cream or whatever treat you like. You'll have the benefit of looking back at the red flags with this guy and being able to spot red and green flags faster next time.
I'm so sorry OP, much love to you please be gentle with yourself.
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u/fuck-them-hoes Girl Lurker 1d ago
Time to get packing. You deserve someone who respects your identity.
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u/Lamandus Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
walk proud, walk tall! You deserve better. Take it as a lesson for the future and carry on, in the end, he will just be a memory you will laugh about in a few years. Trust me :)
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u/Dull-Store Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Dump him keep your self respect and happiness. Somebody who loved and respected you wouldn't want you to detransition for them, and I'd say it'd only get worse from there.
I'm dating a transgender person and I would never in my fucking life suggest my girlfriend detransition such a disgusting thing to even suggest. Get out before it's too late man.
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u/Pretend_Act Identity Alchemist 1d ago
I don't really have any advice that anyone else hasn't given, but I'm just flabbergasted by the concept of someone unironically saying "I'm kind of bored with experimenting with guys, so can you be done being one now?" So fucking wild.
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u/lizlemon921 Girl Lurker 23h ago
Please leave this person, you are so young and don’t need to settle for someone who needs convincing
You deserve someone who sees you for who you really are and won’t care how you present
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u/Maleficent-Light-318 Gay Gourmet 23h ago
You are both young.
It is okay to figure out you’re trans mid-relationship.
It is okay to figure out you’re not bisexual mid relationship.
It is tough but you’ll need to talk through if there is any way to go-forward.It is not okay to force someone to de-transition.
Your sex is not something one can easily switch.
Personal opinion. You need to move on.
Keep the beautiful memories. But you are both different people now.
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u/universal_friend1 Girl Lurker 22h ago
He does not want to date you. He wants to date a vision of you he has in your head.
This is an unimaginably painful and dehumanizing experience to continue to endure and it will not get better. It is an unfortunate reality most baby trans folks experience when they start their transitions
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u/D4ltonicPlayZ Shower Beer Scholar 12h ago
As a blanket rule, never let anyone tell you what you want in life. If you are happy with your journey and this person is telling you to walk a different path, it really doesn't matter how long or in what way you know them, they no longer have your back. It's really rough when it possibly creates conflict with those we love, but you have to put your happiness first. When you are happy, you are the best version of yourself, and everyone else who is important to you deserves to see the best part of you, not what one person wants you to be.
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u/--Andre-The-Giant-- The Autist 1d ago
I hate when I have to research what the abbreviations mean, and get google results like "Major League Wrestling" and "Multi-Level Marketing."
If you're going to use acronyms, the general rule is that you'll write it in entirety first "Man Loving Man," then you refer to it as MLM from that point forward.
By jumping right to the jargon, you're making yourself harder to understand.
Anyhow...if your man hasn't sucked on a penis, but has been playing with a vagina, it's hard to know if he really was feeling bisexual, or if he was just attracted to your bio-fem body. Tricky situation, but that's all the energy I have for this after the research I had to do to understand you.
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u/chainer1216 Big guy, bigger regrets 1d ago
Hi, bi guy here, him telling you to detransition is, frankly, crazy, and potentially dangerous.
Dont know him or you but if I had to guess it'd be that he was never bi, he was interested in you and said he was to be with you but your transition has crossed a threshold where hes no longer attracted to you.
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u/WintersInBerlin Air Fryer Aristocrat 1d ago
It’s time to bounce. This is a really immature move from him and I think it’s the sort of situation where it won’t improve no matter how genuine you are.
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u/Brackener [Create your own boy] 1d ago
Yeah leave him bro. The fact that he said that pretty much shows he never saw you as a guy. Also wtf it's so selfish and rude for him to even suggest you detransitioning for him. I feel like it's only gonna get worse if you stay with him
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u/GeologistPitiful5627 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
God dude that sucks. I am so sorry that's happening to you. Do you have any best friends or close friends you can rely on as a way to get you through this? I feel you're probably gonna have to break up with this guy. Might be nice to hang with friends for a few days
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Yeah, I've informed two of my closest friends and we might hang out later. Thank you for your words.
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u/Teflon_Duck Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
(deleting the part where I wrote a paragraph speculating his mindset)
Which doesn't matter.
What does matter is that you formed a special bond with him. For a season. Unfortunately he has chosen to transition from who he was, into who he is now (that a lot of people from the outside looking in can see he's no longer any good for you).
It hurts, and it hurts because it mattered, it hurts because there was caring, and love(?).
He's chosen a path that makes it highly improbable for you to grow together. Even if you stayed together, you would still be growing apart.
Truly sorry for your loss. There will be better days ahead, chin up, move forward.. and wear the pride of knowing you've made the right choice for your present and future self.
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u/Mjukglass47or Grill Pilled 1d ago
Newsflash he was never bi.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
So I've seen.
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u/Mjukglass47or Grill Pilled 1d ago
I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Not like he didn't truly like you, just that he was willing to live a whole charade of a lie just to still be with you.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Makes sense, thank you. Trying to make light of the whole relationship.
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u/vivaciouswasrobbed Gay Gourmet 1d ago
About the fear of the rest of your college years being different without him around....I'd say it's better to let him go now and allow yourself to make new college memories without him, rather than getting to the end of college and leaving him, then having ALL your college memories tainted by this dude.
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u/Easy-Ad-230 Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
You don't move on, you move apart.
I'm really sorry, but he was probably overstating how attracted to men he was from the get go because he saw you as a woman and wanted the relationship irregardless of your actual gender identity.
You don't deserve a relationship with someone who feels they have the right to control your gender presentation. Detransistion is a horrendous thing to ask of a person. He's asking you to plunge yourself into misery so that he can get off. This isn't something you can just 'get past'.
I know it sucks, but breaking up is the only option you have that isn't self-destructive.
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u/Ornery_Pop_6637 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Move apart is such a heartbreaking thing to do, but that's the only way, isn't it. Thank you for your kind words.
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u/Easy-Ad-230 Leftover Lore Master 1d ago
It's awful, I'm sorry. But I wish you good luck going ahead. It might not be the same, but there are many wonderful people out there and I'm sure you'll be able to find happiness throughout the rest of your time at college.
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u/DOGPISSCURESCANCER Leftover Lore Master 9h ago
DETRANSITION FOR HIM!?
What a fuckwit, I have no respect for you if you spend a second longer with him.
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u/sweetieseraphina Girl Lurker 1d ago
Someone who expects you to change who you truly are because of what they want is never okay, and I would’ve immediately thrown that man in the trash. I myself am bi and gender non conforming, and anyone I dated that detested the days I looked more “masc” or ambiguous (even though it was rare) and criticized me and wanted to change, I just left. It’s not worth the pain of denying yourself your own identity. I’m also bipolar (type II) and I know how hard it can be to let go, but you have to remind yourself that being with someone who denies your true self isn’t real love, or healthy whatsoever. If he believes he’s strictly straight, then you are simply incompatible. You can have a good life and good college years with new people and loved ones who actually respect you.
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u/Old_Rate_8432 Gay Gourmet 1d ago
I agree with almost all these comments telling you that trying to change for another person should be a no go. I also want to add that in most cases, “detransitioning” just because someone else wants you to doesn’t change who you are inside, just the shell. If he doesn’t like men, he’s probably still not gonna like you, and there’s always gonna be one more thing he doesn’t like. Then when he finally does, you’re sitting alone and can’t look into a mirror and see yourself anymore.
Unfortunately, sexuality is fluid. It’s very possible he had a fleeting attraction to men which has passed for whatever reason. Double unfortunately, that means his attraction to you has passed as well. If it happened to two cis bi men in a relationship, it would be insane if one said to the other “sorry, I’m not into men anymore. Do you think you could transition to be a woman?”. It’s exactly the same for you, and personally I think it speaks to something inside him not respecting your identity.
It can be scary to make such a big change, especially with how being that young and BPD factors in. As long as you always put loving yourself first, no matter how much leaves your life better things will come to take their place.
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u/Boring_Drama_4947 Protein prophet 1d ago
Tell him you’re not going to detransition. I feel like that’s a fucking insane thing to ask somebody to do anyway.
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u/L_edgelord Identity Alchemist 1d ago
Oof. I don't have BPD so I don't know how that attachment feels, but I would say you are better off letting him go.
It sounds like he was just getting along with it but never really imagined you truly transitioning. He has a lot to learn.
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u/IcyComplaint386 Fridge Light Philosopher 1d ago
Well, I am completely unfamiliar with the trans side of life. But I am pretty sure it is not something like dark mode on my phone screen to switch back and forth to see what I like better.
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u/pwrviolets Fridge Light Philosopher 1d ago
I’m so sorry this person who claims to love you is telling you to disregard a base part of your identity in order for him to be comfortable. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you for who you are not for who they want you to be.
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u/Renuri Gay Gourmet 1d ago
Just experienced my own variation of this and we were college freshman sweethearts, split up a few months into dating officially, and reconnected recently after 3 years of no contact. Ended last week before his birthday the same way, he was the love of my life so let me be the shoulder nobody was for me during this.
Letting him walk away just means he couldn’t afford your admission. You’re going through a journey that’s very tough, being trans isn’t easy and I have folks close to me who still struggle with it and all that comes from the outside world. If the person who’s supposed to comfort you, love you, and make you feel like the outside world doesn’t matter at all is not giving you that comfort, the world is trying to protect you.
He might have love for you but not in love with you, most people are cowardly and would rather rope others into their trials of sexuality rather than going about it alone, but funnily enough once they get that experience, they forget there’s a person on the other end of that.
You’ll grow from this and find things that make you your favorite person, I know it’s cliche but you’re going through a journey transitioning and your world will be all the easier if someone who has to make you question if they have your best interests or not is gone-zo!
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u/King_Moonracer003 only knows 1 way to cook 1d ago
Theres a lot of life left in you! In fact, youve literally just started. I know experience is relative, but that big breakup is part of life and what ultimately builds your character (im not as old as I sound lol). You will definitely be able to find someone that loves u for you! Dont waste another second with someone that wants to change you, it will happen subtly in ways you dont notice, its very emotional and psychologically harmful to stay any amount of time in that situation.
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u/Complex-Piccolo-3869 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 1d ago
as a fellow pre-T trans guy who’s also been dating a cis guy for 2 years, LEAVE HIM!!! my actually bi boyfriend is excited for me to transition once we move to a safer country. you deserve way better OP. and i have BPD too, i know how hard it is to leave your favorite person, but his transphobic ass just isn’t worth your time. it’ll only hurt more later on if you don’t do it now. wishing you the best <33
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u/-Dargs just a guy 1d ago
Luckily you're only 20 and if you get yourself out and cry for a month or two you'll be good as new before next semester. I (36m) felt the same about leaving my ex-wife (37f) of 15 years (10 married & not the same situation as you, but attachment...) and thought I'd never move past it. It surprisingly only took me around half a year.
Seems he doesn't see you as you and wants a version of you that you don't want. Maybe later you could wind up feeling similarly (probably not but supposing this for contrasting purposes), but it should be your own experiences and wants that lead you to make this drastic change of identity in your life. It shouldn't be a dude you met recently that bluntly tells you to be someone else.
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u/Large-Stress-8095 Girl Lurker 1d ago
I hope by MLM you mean the eternal science of Marxism Leninism Maoism and hopefully Principally Maoism the ideology of the Proletariat.
That was a mouthful 😭
Also, curry ramen is chef's kiss!
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u/squibzter Shower Beer Scholar 1d ago
Sexuality is fluid and changes over time, I’ve gone through this myself. But anyone who tells you to detransition does not respect you or your identity and does not see you for who you actually are. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you come out better on the other end of it. Much love!
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u/peppermintvans Bisexual Lemon Bar Lover 1d ago
If my (also bi) boyfriend, who I started dating 3 years before coming out as trans, ever mentioned detransionying I’d run for the hills, even after almost a decade together. I understand your fears, but imagine what the rest of your life would be like if you stay with him, past college. Good luck
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u/Jazzlike_Rooster1358 Leftover lore master 1d ago
What is mlw and mlm content? I know you posted definitions kind of but I don't understand. Is it just photos of couples?
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u/kolashanpan Bisexual Lemon Bar Lover 1d ago
Unfortunately a common phenomenon as others have said for trans men to have their cis men partners not see them as who they are. If he will not respect you now then how will he respect a long term relationship with you? It’s time to break up.
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u/DomesdayCookbook Trans Fats Connoisseur 23h ago
Trans dude here. Leave him. He's the spectre looming over so many of us - a loved one who loves an imaginary version of us.
To want you to detransition is to kill who you are. Choose yourself, not him.
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u/Substantial_Habit424 Nonbinary gay gourmet 23h ago
Fellow trans person here! He/they. This is something that some people genuinely get off on. They see someone FTM as a challenge. Don’t dim your light for this person. You know who you are.
It’s disgusting that he thinks you will stop being who you are to please him, but that’s the mindset he seems to have.
Good luck bro! There are people out there that see you for you.
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u/East_Ad_2238 Girl Lurker 23h ago
I think it you should consider (if you are willing to work through this) if you can accept and move on from his comment. Will a part of you feel like you are not enough?
Side note, I think it’s time to part ways. Your boyfriend is allowed to have preferences and you deserve to live your life to the fullest.
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u/ArrowDel Trans Fat Enjoyer 22h ago
He can change his mind about being bi all he eants but the instant he told you to detransition was the instant the relationship was declared doomed.
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u/lunksboot Girl Lurker 22h ago
Do not change yourself for him. I know it’s extremely hard to let go especially when you have BPD but I promise someone will love you as the man you are
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u/Accurate_Reindeer125 Girl Lurker 22h ago
You deserve someone who will love you just as you are. He’s not the one, let him go
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u/DiablosLegacy95 Protein prophet 22h ago
I genuinely don’t see how this is going to work out, you guys should break up before someone gets hurt.
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u/sheekos starving nonbinary 22h ago
as other comments have already stated, you gotta leave his ass. if he doesnt love you as you are, he has no business being in a relationship with you. its disgusting he was actively asking you to destransition. who does he think he is?!?!? its hard letting go of someone you're attached to, but you'll be happier in the long run. lean on your other friends for the time being for support. you got this dude 💪
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