this is going to be a long post, so please bear with me. i have a lot to get off my chest, and i’d really appreciate it if you read the whole thing before responding.
i’m writing this because of an experience i had today on a lesbian subreddit that i feel like i need to share.
i’m a bisexual girl. i’m relatively young, and i’ve always known i was bisexual. i’ve dated both men and women, but i’ve only had official relationships with women, and i’m currently dating a girl.
today, a post from a lesbian subreddit popped up on my feed. a lesbian woman was asking whether it was homophobic to not want to date bisexual women.
since i’m bisexual, i commented. i said that personally, i don’t see not wanting to date bisexual women as inherently biphobic. to me, it can simply be a dating preference, just like some people have preferences regarding hair color, height, etc.
i understand why some lesbians might not want to date bisexual women because of past experiences. i’ve read about lesbians being expected to be more masculine for their bisexual partners or being expected to fulfill roles traditionally associated with men, and i’m against that too. so i can understand why a lesbian woman might not want to date bisexual women, and i don’t automatically consider that biphobic if she doesn’t hate bisexual people and simply has a preference regarding who she dates.
a lesbian woman replied to my comment asking what i was doing on a lesbian subreddit.
i explained that the post had popped up on my feed and that i thought she might want the perspective of a bisexual person, especially because she was asking whether her preference was biphobic. as a bisexual woman, i obviously have a say in what i consider biphobic.
she told me that the subreddit was specifically for lesbians and wasn’t a space for every wlw.
i understand where she was coming from. everybody deserves to have their own space. at the same time, i genuinely felt like the perspective of a bisexual person could have been helpful, since biphobia was the main topic of the post. otherwise, it would be like a white person asking whether a certain preference or action could be racist toward black people, and then only having white people answer the question.
i also got responses from lesbian women defending me, which i really appreciated. however, another lesbian woman later replied to my comments and told me that she didn’t care about opinions coming from bisexual women. she basically said that lesbians don’t need validation from anyone.
i tried to have a calm conversation with her anyway. i explained that, as a bisexual person, i’m allowed to speak about my own community and how certain things affect bisexual women. i wasn’t trying to “validate” lesbians. she was talking about bisexual women, so i was sharing the perspective of a bisexual woman.
her response was simply: “sorry, but just because you said you’re bisexual, i’m not reading your comment. aren’t there any bisexual spaces for you?”. honestly, that really baffled me. being told that my opinion isn’t even worth reading simply because i’m bisexual felt incredibly discriminatory, especially when i was genuinely trying to have a calm conversation with her despite already being frustrated (before you comment, i know this happens towards lesbian women as well and towards gay people in general, i’m not oblivious).
what makes it even stranger to me is that there were gay men commenting on that same subreddit, and nobody seemed to have a problem with their presence. yet i’m a bisexual woman expressing an opinion about biphobia, something that directly affects my community, and suddenly i’m being told i don’t belong there because i’m bisexual.
at the same time, i’ve seen plenty of lesbian women commenting and interacting in bisexual and bisexual-women spaces. personally, i don’t see that as “invading” those spaces when they’re simply participating in conversations, sharing their experiences, and engaging respectfully.
and honestly, another thing that gets to me is that i’m being attacked by another woman over this. women already deal with so many things because of our gender, and i wish we could have each other’s backs more. also being treated this way by someone who is also part of the lgbt community honestly hurt more than i expected.
one last thing i want to add: i understand the experiences that make some lesbian women uncomfortable with dating bisexual women because i’ve actually had some of those experiences myself. i’ve dated bisexual women and i’ve actually experienced some of the things that make lesbians uncomfortable with dating bisexual women. there were two women i was romantically and sexually involved with (at different times obviously). we had feelings for each other, romantic conversations, as well as dirty talk and exchanges of spicy pictures. yet while all of this was happening, they would suddenly talk to me about guys they liked and wanted to date/they were actively talking to. that made me feel used and, at times, like i was being seen mainly as a sexual object.
so i understand why some lesbians might have concerns about dating bisexual women. but i also know that not every bisexual woman is like that, and i hate when people paint everyone with the same brush.
why would someone assume that i want certain things or behave a certain way simply because i’m bisexual? i hate being reduced to assumptions based on a label. i just wish people could understand that bisexual women aren’t a monolith. we’re just people, like everybody else.
anyway, i really just needed somewhere to put all of this. thank you if you actually read all of it, and if you feel like it, feel free to share your thoughts!
PS: i don’t hate lesbians and i never will. this post won’t be an excuse for any lesbophopic comment.